Desert Flower's Recovery Journal

[Papa Coco]

DF:

I agree about the lousy electricians. Bad wiring causes fires, misfires, smoke, system and appliance failures: I'm talking about both house wiring and brain wiring.

I have recently begun to understand the "Identified Patient" concept. I think of it as the Gilligan concept. In the 1960s, the TV Show Gilligan's Island was about 7 castaways who always blamed everything on Gilligan. Poor kid couldn't do anything right it seemed. In all too many families, or even work crews, or teams, one poor soul get's tagged as the Identified Patient, or, as I call it, The Gilligan. Once that reputation is bought into by all, it is nearly impossible to shake off. It's not only the targeted person who lives with the reputation, but everyone else becomes comfortable with it also. If we are the unlucky soul to be tagged as "the Gilligan", then pretty soon, we just can't do anything right anymore, even when we really DO everything right. We become "typecast" as they say in the Entertainment Industry. Once we are "the Gilligan" we just remain there because that's just what everyone has decided we are. The convenience of having a Gilligan to blame everything on is not an easy convenience for them to let go of. It might make them reassess who really was at fault for their flaws.

I'm very sorry to read how badly you fear, even for your life, that people will be unhappy with your doings, even those doings that you didn't know were assigned to you. I remember well, being hated by people who had heard things about me that weren't true, AND that to this day I still don't know what it was they had even heard. How unfair to be shunned and scoffed at for something that wasn't even true. But a rumor was generated, in case by an "unkind" sibling, and was robustly spread around behind my back, so that when I showed up with a big, stupid smile on my face, I'd be horrified to suddenly discover I was unwelcome and half the room hated me for something I didn't even know I had been accused of.

I do resonate with how terrifying that is. It really does feel like a fight for our life.

You're not alone, DF. Your friends on the forum respect and trust you, just like you do us. There are a lot of us Gilligans on this deserted island together, and we are good people. All of us. You included!

 

PC.

[Desert Flower]

Thank you again Papa Coco. Your kind words brought tears to my eyes. For being seen.

Yes, this does ring true to me. Being the Gilligan, the odd one out.

I have been feeling like the odd one out for a very very long time, possibly always. Feeling I don't belong, feeling I don't fit in. I think it started with my M, I think actually she was a Gilligan herself in her family, she did not know how to connect to any of them or to us. And for a long time, I had been thinking I 'should' be able to do everything all the other moms did, but it was just so terribly hard for me and I had an idea that maybe I was different. And now I know, my wiring is indeed different. And now that I've spoken up about this, at work too, I feel like they are looking at me differently because of this. And really, it's good that I'm being more congruent but it's hard too. Knowing I'm different is one thing but than doing enough to protect myself, give myself time to recuperate, doing what's needed to take care of myself, is another.

It's not that I don't see any progress, I do actually, comparing myself to a year ago or the years before. I am so much more aware of what's going on. And there are times that I am actually okay, relaxed. Although it's been a while. But now I'm thinking, will this get any better? Or will this be it? Because I wouldn't exactly call it comfortable.

I am so tired. I'm on the verge of tears. I don't know how to keep this up at the moment. I'm hair triggered. I feel depleted. I really just wanna hybernate. I've been looking into why this is, because last summer, I was doing a lot better. But looking back at my schedule of the past months revealed that I have been working very very very hard indeed to get everything done 'the way it should' and doing it then instead of later because 'I had to'. Lots of extra training sessions at work, lots of unexpected stuff I 've had to take care of relating to my mothers estate, an extra guinea pig that needed night feeding and surgery, having a very scary hospital appointment myself, all of which caused EF's that I've had not enough time to recover from. And too little time to do all of my meditations or yoga or time alone to reset the nervous system like I need.

While trying to stay afloat. What I find hard is that 'regular' people don't understand (how could they?) that just trying to stay afloat is so hard already, even without all the extra activities. And I am doing both.

I'm ever so grateful OOTS is here and we can be Gilligans together.