Desert Flower's Recovery Journal

[Papa Coco]

DF:

I agree about the lousy electricians. Bad wiring causes fires, misfires, smoke, system and appliance failures: I'm talking about both house wiring and brain wiring.

I have recently begun to understand the "Identified Patient" concept. I think of it as the Gilligan concept. In the 1960s, the TV Show Gilligan's Island was about 7 castaways who always blamed everything on Gilligan. Poor kid couldn't do anything right it seemed. In all too many families, or even work crews, or teams, one poor soul get's tagged as the Identified Patient, or, as I call it, The Gilligan. Once that reputation is bought into by all, it is nearly impossible to shake off. It's not only the targeted person who lives with the reputation, but everyone else becomes comfortable with it also. If we are the unlucky soul to be tagged as "the Gilligan", then pretty soon, we just can't do anything right anymore, even when we really DO everything right. We become "typecast" as they say in the Entertainment Industry. Once we are "the Gilligan" we just remain there because that's just what everyone has decided we are. The convenience of having a Gilligan to blame everything on is not an easy convenience for them to let go of. It might make them reassess who really was at fault for their flaws.

I'm very sorry to read how badly you fear, even for your life, that people will be unhappy with your doings, even those doings that you didn't know were assigned to you. I remember well, being hated by people who had heard things about me that weren't true, AND that to this day I still don't know what it was they had even heard. How unfair to be shunned and scoffed at for something that wasn't even true. But a rumor was generated, in case by an "unkind" sibling, and was robustly spread around behind my back, so that when I showed up with a big, stupid smile on my face, I'd be horrified to suddenly discover I was unwelcome and half the room hated me for something I didn't even know I had been accused of.

I do resonate with how terrifying that is. It really does feel like a fight for our life.

You're not alone, DF. Your friends on the forum respect and trust you, just like you do us. There are a lot of us Gilligans on this deserted island together, and we are good people. All of us. You included!

 

PC.

[Desert Flower]

Thank you again Papa Coco. Your kind words brought tears to my eyes. For being seen.

Yes, this does ring true to me. Being the Gilligan, the odd one out.

I have been feeling like the odd one out for a very very long time, possibly always. Feeling I don't belong, feeling I don't fit in. I think it started with my M, I think actually she was a Gilligan herself in her family, she did not know how to connect to any of them or to us. And for a long time, I had been thinking I 'should' be able to do everything all the other moms did, but it was just so terribly hard for me and I had an idea that maybe I was different. And now I know, my wiring is indeed different. And now that I've spoken up about this, at work too, I feel like they are looking at me differently because of this. And really, it's good that I'm being more congruent but it's hard too. Knowing I'm different is one thing but than doing enough to protect myself, give myself time to recuperate, doing what's needed to take care of myself, is another.

It's not that I don't see any progress, I do actually, comparing myself to a year ago or the years before. I am so much more aware of what's going on. And there are times that I am actually okay, relaxed. Although it's been a while. But now I'm thinking, will this get any better? Or will this be it? Because I wouldn't exactly call it comfortable.

I am so tired. I'm on the verge of tears. I don't know how to keep this up at the moment. I'm hair triggered. I feel depleted. I really just wanna hybernate. I've been looking into why this is, because last summer, I was doing a lot better. But looking back at my schedule of the past months revealed that I have been working very very very hard indeed to get everything done 'the way it should' and doing it then instead of later because 'I had to'. Lots of extra training sessions at work, lots of unexpected stuff I 've had to take care of relating to my mothers estate, an extra guinea pig that needed night feeding and surgery, having a very scary hospital appointment myself, all of which caused EF's that I've had not enough time to recover from. And too little time to do all of my meditations or yoga or time alone to reset the nervous system like I need.

While trying to stay afloat. What I find hard is that 'regular' people don't understand (how could they?) that just trying to stay afloat is so hard already, even without all the extra activities. And I am doing both.

I'm ever so grateful OOTS is here and we can be Gilligans together.

 

[Chart]

I am so tired. I'm on the verge of tears. I don't know how to keep this up at the moment. I'm hair triggered. I feel depleted. I really just wanna hybernate. I've been looking into why this is, because last summer, I was doing a lot better. But looking back at my schedule of the past months revealed that I have been working very very very hard indeed to get everything done 'the way it should' and doing it then instead of later because 'I had to'. Lots of extra training sessions at work, lots of unexpected stuff I 've had to take care of relating to my mothers estate, an extra guinea pig that needed night feeding and surgery, having a very scary hospital appointment myself, all of which caused EF's that I've had not enough time to recover from. And too little time to do all of my meditations or yoga or time alone to reset the nervous system like I need.

Oh boy, DF, do I relate to your last post. Today is Thursday, I've been at home since last Friday doing ZERO work (zero work that brings in money). I'm worried, stressed with upcoming Christmas... BUT REFUSING TO JUDGE MYSELF.
It's not easy... at all, to put it mildly...

Here's my theory: The organism as a "budget". The brain manages this budget. It's about resources and energy. Every 24-hour cycle decisions have to be made about "where" energy/work is going to be channeled. There are the fixed functions like breathing, heart-beating, functions that keep me alive. These are non-conditional. But just like a businesses profit margin, there remains after all the necessaries a quantity of energy that is "left-over" for "other things". For two years now, my conscious brain has been working on improving my Cptsd symptoms. And me too, I am actually feeling ever so slightly better. But I think my brain is putting a huge amount of work into neural re-organisation. And I'm pretty confident this is a BIG energy drain. Carl Jung talks about this a little too, he suggests that if you are exhausted, sleeping all the time, can't be bothered to do things that for years, decades, you were dedicated, he says that this is a very good sign. It's indicative of change in the mind, body and spirit. It rides often on the deeply sub-conscious level, and thus is hard to identify rationally. But if we read the signs of our exhaustion as evolution and the effort that is being done by the brain, then it's all good. Change is happening. My last EF put me in bed for a week, literally flat. Since I've been respecting my need for rest as much as humanly possible. Certain things I HAVE to do, but otherwise, if I can rest, I listen to my soul/body. I maintain certain habits, and apply "light" pressure to aspects of my life that I know are conducive to change. But I absolutely am FORCING myself to rest and NOT feel guilt about it. I rather see it as a situation where the Universe is giving me a period of time of preparation for what is coming. I've noticed that about one day out of every two weeks, I'll be "filled" with energy. I always stop and take stock of that feeling, knowing full well it won't last, but appreciating to it's very maximum being given (if only briefly) a feeling of what it does feel like to be "normal". In the past I was always fooled into thinking it was permanent and I was "cured". But now I know better. It's just the template to which I am striving. The my brain can do, but not too frequently. But I don't care... I KNOW it's possible. So I keep at the work I'm doing. When I hate myself again, feel crushed, smashed... depression... I observe, I aknowledge, I allow myself to feel the Cptsd... and I breathe, knowing it's not ALWAYS like this, and it WILL get less and less with the passage of time and my continued work. I'm gonna fight Cptsd up to my last frickin' breath. I don't believe I'll ever get rid of it 100%, but I WILL become it's master before the end. (I'm setting myself up for a really fantastic re-incarnation :-)
    

[sanmagic7]

DF, i think not having enough time to recover from anything is one of our worst enemies.  when the crapola gets piled on, one after another, no time in between to even breathe (or so it feels), i think that depletes us most of everything that can happen to us.  we get inundated, overwhelmed, try to make sense of something, attempt to grieve (if there's even time for that) and suddenly     we're lost, our system is shorting out, our brains can't work the way we want, our bodies do their thing and become out of whack, and on and on.  we literally lose our way.  i can feel those tears and they're trying their hardest to release, but we don't have time or energy.

in 'through the looking glass' the queen tells alice that to stay in one place she has to run as fast as she can, but to move forward, she has to run even faster.  that's how this stuff feels to me, being expected to do the impossible. 


my heart goes out to you.  i have no doubt you'll make it thru this, but it's the going that's so rough.  i'm by your side, tho - you're not alone. lean on me if it helps.  love and hugs

[Desert Flower]

Thank you friends, for caring for me. And for the recognition and validation I need so desperately. I can't tell you how much this means to me. To know I'm not alone in this, that there's you out there who do understand completely and thoroughly.
To reassure myself again: no, I'm not being a wuss, I am working towards healing, maybe work a little less hard. It's as if some part of me wants to keep forgetting there is actually something 'the matter' with me, my system does not work as other peoples' does and I may take care of myself however much I need. I need not compete in the highest rankings (actually, considering what I'm dealing with, I am!), but if I may be balanced that would be 'enough'.

Chart, it's so nice to hear from you, even though it's not so nice you're not feeling well either. You're right, the brain is doing a tremendous amount of work here, and it's supply of energy is finite. It is possible to heal. But we mustn't push too hard and take our rest when needed, which is now. I took a nap late this afternoon. And tomorrow I actually have a day off to myself which is miraculous almost. Aiming for the most wonderful re-incarnation myself!
 

San, I can just feel your love and care enveloping me, thank for your wonderful words, and for being by my side. You're right too about what happens when we swamp ourselves with stuff to do and not enough time to recover. And now I have to be careful not to be very severe with myself for not taking better care of myself. But be kind and gentle with myself, I'm merely trying to survive and improve.
 

I had been looking for a new yoga place for some time and now at last I found a trauma sensitive yoga place in my town! I registered for a course starting january, I'm looking forward to it very much. From what she writes on her website, this teacher knows from experience and she knows all the trauma recovery literature of relational trauma, SA, polyvagal theory, IFS etc, so this is very promising.

And now I'll try to take it easy some more, starting with a cup of tea.