Desert Flower's Recovery Journal

[sanmagic7]

DF, i really liked your visualization of the stream, letting the note drop into it, watching it flow away, and then the boxes of 'stuff' going in afterwards - i think it was not only a beautiful way to let things go, but very powerful as well.  i want to remember this for future 'letting go's'.

and i agree w/ SO about the concept of 'stay'.  again, so powerful and meaningful.  i recall too many times when i haven't been able to stay and just dissociated instead, sent a surrogate in to take my place who had little to no power at all, but was just a means to get thru the situation.  some really good stuff here.  thanks for all of it.  love and hugs

[Chart]

How many times can you show someone the light and have them not listen?

I found this synchronistic just now and on several levels : How many times can we realize the truth and just not feel it?

I believe feelings exist, but they're not necessarily "true".

Here's to not judging ourselves... and letting go of our torturer's stories...
 

[Desert Flower]

We're clearing out our mother's house.

I'm okay. I can do this.

[sanmagic7]

you CAN do this!  sending support and presence to help you thru.  love and hugs

[SenseOrgan]

 

[sanmagic7]

ooops!  misspelled CAN - kinda takes away from the thought.  sorry.

you got this, DF.  we're here with you all the way.  love and hugs

[Desert Flower]

No worries San, thank you for being here 

[sanmagic7]

 

[Blueberry]

Haven't seen you around for a while DF    Hope that's a good sign.

I've just seen you responding to a few other mbrs' threads, so thought I'd drop by rather than derail their threads.
 

[Desert Flower]

Hi Blueberry, very kind of you to drop by, thank you.

I am doing all right for the most part. There's an awful lot going on though. I do want to share some of my experiences, it's just I don't know where to start and I'm caught up in so many things to take care of. Like selling our late mother's house atm. I hope to come back soon.

[NarcKiddo]

 

[sanmagic7]

hope that goes smoothly, NK.  i know it's a pain and a process.  love and hugs

[SenseOrgan]

Very nice to hear you're doing alright for the most part! In my mind that's a big deal, considering such a big event in your life happened recently.

[Desert Flower]

There have only been a few times that I felt really sad after my mom died. Those were the times I cried. And they were about her not being able to be happy.

I'm coping pretty wel I think. Keeping everything on track mostly. There was only one time, right before the summer holiday was about to start, that I really lost it. See, I've got this way of trying to do everything right, I don't know if I'll ever lose that, it's such a deeply ingrained pattern. And at some point, I couldn't do it anymore, well I cannot control everything can I, and I find it very very hard when something goes 'wrong' that I think I was supposed to take care of, that was my responsibility. It feels life threatening. As if no one will ever want to be with me anymore whenever I do something 'wrong' or make a mistake.

So here's what lead up to it. My brother and I had been clearing out our late mom's house. This was 'a pain and a process' indeed, like San wrote. The paper work that needed to be sorted out was immense. My mother had literally kept everything, every pay slip she ever received, every licence my grandfather's business ever needed, every everything. (Not to mention some paper stating the criminal investigation into my grand father's alleged collaboration with the Germans in the second world war had not produced any evidence, something we had never heard of naturally. Quickly buried that again.)
And lots and lots of photographs, going back more than a century. Interesting stuff too, but it had mostly been difficult and painful sifting through all of them because they reminded us of what we didn't have. Warmth, happiness, security, ... Pang, pang, pang, ... This took us weeks.
And there were her clothes. My mom and I sort of shared wardrobes really. If ever she said anything nice about me it wasn't actually about me but about the clothes I was wearing. And I felt so guilty about having to throw most of it away. It really hurt. Still does.
And we found her diaries. And I was quite hesitant about reading them. And they confirmed everything I knew about her. She did not know how to deal with emotions. She wrote nothing emotional nor anything about feelings whatsoever. She just wrote lists of things she had done. Went to take care of the horse. Went to take care of the horse again. Went to take care of the horse again. Etc. Just long stretches of repetitive activities.

And we had gotten some cute new guinea pigs, very sweet little creatures, two girls this time but some weeks later, one turned out to be pregnant of course, classic isn't it. And then the mother guinea pig did not feed her baby, she didn't do anything to take care of it, she just left it lying there on it's own so I flew into a panic and went and fed the little one myself, every three hours mind you, also during nights. That didn't help me feeling so great. But it so felt like my responsibility solely. Little one did pull through though! And mother did pick up caring for him after a while. Phew.
And then, after only three-and-a-half weeks, I had to take him away from his mother, otherwise we'd end up with another nest, but that just broke my heart too, the little one squeaking for his mother, o dear, this was just the perfect reminder of how I'd felt when my mom never comforted me. (We'll put him back with the girls as soon as he's castrated so he won't be alone anymore.)

And I had been taking care of so many many things in the end of school period. My son finally had his dyslexia confirmed, after I had been persistently pushing school and other agencies to look into it for a very long time, it had taken quite some perseverance and I had almost let it go. And my daughter is upgrading her studies, that's great but now she needed to do extra work too. And there were school plays, school camp, etc. etc. and some stupid water splashing event that was supposed to be funny to the kids leaving school but it wasn't to my son, he's sensitive, I love him for that, and he came out crying his eyes out and literally wanting to disappear into the bushes. I felt so bad for him and that sent me into an EF for not being able to prevent him feeling so bad. And in a state of extreme disstress, I took him to his next activity which was unsafe driving probably. And I had to call in sick for the rest of the afternoon but I was sort of back at work the next day, so I think I'm doing better than before, when something like this would have taken me weeks to recover from.

And for the most part, I don't think I really miss her that much. And writing this, I instantly feel guilty. Or rather, I've got this guilt underlying everything I do these days. About not missing her that much.

And I have been thinking about how I've dealt with everything so far. By trying to do everything 'right', the way I think others would approve of. The way that she would have approved of. Not the way I would consider 'right'. It's survival, I think.

And at some point I felt I was feeling very anxious indeed, and I realised I am afraid of part of my brother too. He and I do get along very well, we know each other very well and we have this shared miserly past and this means a lot to me. But he also has this side to him that can get quite angry at others for stuff that people don't understand. I think he's on the spectrum and that's fine but the thing is I'm trying to prevent him getting mad at me, although I cannot remember any time he's ever gotten mad at me. It's just me. I'm just so afraid of anyone getting angry at me. Like being afraid they'd get mad at little me for nothing in the old days. My brother and I had been texting quite a lot about every little thing that needed to be taken care of relating to our mom's inheritance and I realised I was anxious that maybe he'd think I was texting him too much and I was annoying him. It was quite the realisation for me to see that little me was actually afraid. So there you go. Seeing that was helpful.

And I've still got the tooth ache, which is not actually a tooth ache but me tensing my face muscles too much, squeezing some nerve, but it's lessened. Losing weight inadvertently. And I've got this lump in my breast that I really need to have checked out, I will. Had that a few times before and it turned out to be okay but one needs to be sure about these things.

So yeah, it's a lot.

[Desert Flower]

- Another note on feeling guilty -

Yes, still feeling guilty. The thing is, I still don't think I miss my mom all that much, now that she's gone. It feels so wrong writing this. It sounds very harsh. Because she wasn't a 'bad' person, she was just not a very good mother, not the mother I needed. She was too scared to be that. Too scared to open up.

On her deathbed, she couldn't talk anymore, but I knew she could hear me and I only said things that I thought would help her. I had already decided that I was not gonna try to reach any resolution with her. She would never have understood and I didn't wanna cause her any more distress. It had meant putting my inner child at a distance.

And now the child keeps saying to me: I don't really feel I miss her.

There's no conversations I used to have with her that I miss. I used to only tell her things that would make her feel better, or try to not make her feel any worse at any rate. She was always terrified and anxious and depressed, so I usually only told her positive things. Never anything about me not feeling so great. It was never the whole me talking to her. Always on guard not to say anything 'wrong'.

Any time I was with her felt like a strain to me. I had to limit my time with her, for my sake. I never felt good enough around her. Or understood. Or that she liked our kids. Or the choices I made.

But I still felt I had to take care of her. I had only recently learned to put some boundaries in place at least. To protect myself. To not take her with us for sleepovers on holidays. Only take her during the days, and then bring her back home. I was gonna do that. Even if that did make part of me feel guilty. It was a big decision for me. It was necessary.

And I don't miss feeling inadequate. Feeling unloved. Feeling alone and abandoned.

It's so strange. Like my reference point is gone. Or rather, the Inner Critic's reference point is gone. So now what? Feeling unmoored. A dizzying sort of freedom.

Now, what's left is my inner patterns. Repeating the way I felt and then remembering: there's no need to feel like this anymore. I can now feel what I want, do what I think is right without the lack of approval, without the unsaid judgements, without the looks, the harsh comments. Without her not quite liking me. I can be who I am. And I am all right.

Feeling strange.