Desert Flower's Recovery Journal

[Desert Flower]

Chart, I'm glad you're 'taking up space' in my journal (we're all so worried about taking up space, aren't we? I'm training myself whenever there's someone waiting behind me at the cashier until I've finished: sod it! Let them wait.). Your words mean a lot to me.

I'm very sorry you're so sad and so am I. We're not alone and I can feel that. Thank you.
Turning it into love is beautiful.

And thank you too San, for understanding and caring and being with me.

 

[Chart]

 

[sanmagic7]

you know, DF, i've had that same thing going on for ever so long - hate to make people wait, as if their time is more valuable than mine - until one day i realized that i've waited for others so very often in my life, that it's ok to take my turn now.  yeah, it's finally my turn to do what i need to do, the way i need to do it, and to take the time needed to do it.  i'm not purposefully taking time away from others, but i do have the right to take the time i need. 

our rights were never acknowledged by others.  we can do that for ourselves finally.  love and hugs

[Desert Flower]

 

[Desert Flower]

A note to remind myself.

Whenever I start feeling terribly guilty for not missing my mother 'enough', not missing her more:

There is nothing 'wrong' with me, the attachment disorder began with her, not me. It is normal not to miss a person that much when we were not securely attached to them in the first place.

[sanmagic7]

absolutely agree, DF.  can we really miss what we didn't have?  it made me think of my own parents, how i've heard so many people talk about how much they missed theirs - even if they had only moved away - and i never had that feeling.  even when i consciously thought about it, i couldn't think of what i would miss about them cuz they were really quite distant. no, nothing, really, to miss.  you're not wrong or bad or anything neg. for not missing something that wasn't there.  love and hugs

[Desert Flower]

Thanks San for the validation. I needed that.

My SiL said she felt vulnerable now that her parents were gone. But I already felt vulnerable when my mother was there. I never felt I was good enough. But I am.

[Chart]

 

[Desert Flower]

So this will probably be a rant.
I tried finding a post about a topic like this but I didn't find one that matches.

Some of you may remember my mom past away a month ago. I held up very well until this week. Now, my body's hurting all over. Back pains, stomach pains, tooth-ache. The dentist I spoke to today said it was probably stress. Probably is.

This is the mom that failed to care for me the way I needed to be cared for as a kid and whom I had been taking care of nonetheless.

So what's left is:
- Ashes
- Paper work
- Patterns inside me

Yesterday I had a really rough day thinking about a not so nice message I sent my mom in her last days. I texted 'sure' when she said she was fine (and I knew she wasn't actually fine at all.) I felt so terribly guilty for the text. Little kid inside me being scared because she wasn't perfect and a fierce Inner Critic judging me for it.

But
I really had been doing my best for her these past years, I checked my calendar for how many (many!) times I visited her and took care of stuff. Even though the little kid had been missing so much and it was immensely triggering for me to be around her.

So what to think of this text? Just one 'bad' message in exchange for so much I missed? Water under the bridge? Forgive myself, how?

And today this changed into: I was not able to make her happy. I tried so hard. And I failed.
No, I did not fail. I'm doing very well in this life actually. I have awareness of what happened. And it was never up to me to make her happy in the first place.
I'm sad for her never being able to be happy though.

I feel rough.

[sanmagic7]

DF, i've struggled w/ something similar in my life regarding a parent.  in my case it was my dad.  when he was dying in the hospital, and i was living across the country, i called my mom every nite to let them know i cared, asked after him, and she finally told me that he'd rather have cards sent.  so, i started sending cards. he never got them cuz he died before they reached him, and they came back to me with the stamp 'address unknown' or something like that. i was devastated - why didn't i do this sooner?  why didn't i know?  why . . .  why . . . why . . .? i should have . . . etc.  i even went as far as thinking if i'd been there, where they lived, i'd have gotten him to a doc sooner and he wouldn't have died. (absolutely not true - incurable cancer).

i carried the weight of that guilt for decades, and if i'm totally honest, it can still get to me at times. the idea of not being perfect, when it's been expected of us - even tho we now rationally know it's impossible - has been so very difficult for me to release.  i carry it about my estranged narc daughter as well.

maybe it's the people who we most wanted to show us love that we carry the guilt about.  that just came to mind.  the people who were the most unreachable when we did everything we knew to reach them.  and more.  the ones who were the most critical of us as human beings.  we keep trying to prove to them that we're worthy of their love, attention, kindness, but since they didn't give it, well, they must be right.  we should have been perfect.  so, we're the ones who failed them instead of the other way around.

ahhh, it's a tough one.  i have to believe these are part of the wounds they inflicted on us, and because of their importance in our lives, those wounds are the deepest, most difficult to heal.  i do think time helps in this - my guilts are less now than they were.  maybe that's all any of us can hope for.  i'm with you.  love and hugs

[Desert Flower]

Hi San, thank you for sharing your story here. Yes, I think that's similar. And I think you're right, these thoughts and feelings are part of the wounds that were inflicted upon us. It's part of my pattern to think it is my fault, when in fact that isn't so and the evidence of the contrary is overwhelming. Just being aware of that helps tremendously.
 

[NarcKiddo]

And it was never up to me to make her happy in the first place.
I'm sad for her never being able to be happy though.

I am glad you wrote this. It may be hard to believe the first sentence emotionally even if you believe it logically. But it is TRUE. And being sad for her inability to be happy is a reasonable thing to feel, that anybody might feel.

As for the text - I don't think it's a bad message. But it doesn't matter what I think. Although you are struggling to forgive yourself for it - could you maybe at least see if you can let it go a little? Maybe even physically, like writing the word "sure" on a piece of paper and burning it. Having some more ashes might feel appropriate. I don't know. Just throwing a thought out there.

I'm sorry you are hurting right now, and that that physical pains have added themselves to the mix. I hope you are able to rest and nurture yourself.

 

[Desert Flower]

Thank you NK for your kind and wise words.

I like your suggestion of letting go of the text somehow. Actually, I have been visualising letting go of the text by visualising myself standing on a bridge, water rushing by underneath, dropping the note into the stream and watching it it drift off. And then big suitcases full of stuff following that symbolise all the effort I put into making her happy, so I can see those are much bigger than the note. That works pretty well.

 

[SenseOrgan]

O gosh Desert Flower, I just read your mother passed away recently.

The guilt you wrote about is so familiar. As is the fight for taking up space. For existing. What if you don't need to be forgiven? What if there is nothing to be forgiven? Like a baby does not need to be forgiven for existing and having needs? Parentification steals your loyalty to yourself and chains it to the needs of another (which becomes all others, like strangers in a line in a super market).

I've done a lot of these exercises like you do in the super market. It helps a great deal. Over time, they corrode deeply ingrained patterns of who you are in relation to others. And how you relate to the internalized critic. The more staying power you develop around those horrible feelings like guilt and shame, the weaker their influence. It feels like imminent death to not act the way you were manipulated with them, and to steer away from what used to provide a sense of safety in that assault. I'd say this is not about losing the feeling of guilt, but about claiming your natural right to exist, as you are. And to get on your own side, where you belong. Awareness of what's happening, when it's happening, is half the job.

It may be a difficult time to take on such a big challenge in the aftermath of your mothers passing. It may also be the perfect moment for it. Only you can know this. In any case, you are not alone in this, as others have also expressed. Good luck. 

[Desert Flower]

SO, thank you so much.
I myself have been writing about staying but in these turbulent times, I forgot. You're right. It isn't about losing the guilt, it's about staying with me. Stay with how I feel. Stay.
I just realised I had also been feeling guilty about not being able to do the 7 week practice for my mother 'properly', it was too much for me. I will take it easy on myself and do the practice for me first, and then see what I have left for her, if anything.
This helps me tremendously! Spot on.