I Am

[Hope67]

Hi Bach,
Even noticing that good feels unsafe is a step toward understanding yourself, and maybe it's ok to let good feelings arrive in small doses, so they don't feel overwhelming.  I don't know.  But I'm sorry that you didn't sleep well last night and that you're feeling low as can be today.  Sending you a hug of support, although a very gentle one, as I know you're experiencing hurt today.   

[NarcKiddo]

  You're doing so well in not allowing it to discourage you. Hope you feel better soon.

[Bach]

Optimism very much feels unsafe.  Optimism triggers impatience, which gives me the exact same bodily sensation as fear does, a sort of jolting twanging clench in my lower gut.  What a familiar feeling that is that clench, caused by all manner of things, but most problematically, caused by feelings of hope and positivity. 

[dollyvee]

Hi Bach,

It's interesting, I just listened to a Jay Reid video where he talks about leaving the "upside down world" of the scapegoated child. A lot of those times the world does feel unsafe because it was unsafe to have those feelings. It was the "normal" that you grew up with where there were very real repercussions (ie life and death for a child) if you didn't follow along. For a child to be no one to no one (to not be accepted by your parent if you didn't conform to their view of you as being the wrong/bad/etc etc one) meant that you wouldn't exist and that is an annhilation/life or death feeling. For me, I think this feeling was there since birth, or before birth, and it's so hard to seperate that out (how did my FOOs idea of the world overtake my own Self) when the only world that I have known has felt unsafe.

Sending you support 
dolly

[sanmagic7]

bach, i can see how something pos. could feel unsafe. i don't know how many times, throughout my life, such pos. feelings were ripped away by one person or another.  even when i thought i could feel safe w/ my own firstborn, nope. it's now taken years for me to feel safe w/ my D, who i live with, but that's been a process. 

i've always been optimistic, for some reason, (probably cuz of my alexithymia) even when the good feelings were taken from me cuz of someone's behavior, until just recently.  now, i am quick not to trust, be on my guard, wait and see, especially since some of my feelings, like fear, have returned.  i think it's an awful way to live.  i do hope you are able to eventually shed those 'unsafe' feelings and be able to just be you.  love and hugs

[Bach]

I'm so overwhelmed by life. By feelings for which I have no outlet. I used to cry too easily and now I cannot cry at all. I think it would help if I could cry. Cry or scream or even vomit maybe. Something. Anything to release this feeling of being stuck, of being trapped, of being stuffed full of doubt and pain and discontent. Like a junk food binge without the junk food.

[TheBigBlue]

That sounds incredibly heavy and hard, Bach. Feeling so full and yet unable to let any of it out... I really get why you'd want something to finally move. Crying, screaming - anything to release the pressure. You're not broken for being numb right now. Sometimes the system just shuts everything down when it's been too much for too long. It's a kind of protection, even if it feels awful. I don't have anything clever to offer, just that we're here with you. You're not sitting in this alone. 

[Chart]

 

[NarcKiddo]

 

[Desert Flower]

I used to cry too easily and now I cannot cry at all. I think it would help if I could cry.

Me too, Bach. Right there with you.

[sanmagic7]

  right beside you with lots of love and support.

[Bach]

I have a cannabis habit.  Have for years.  It's not particularly helpful nor particularly harmful at this point after years during which I was in an endless cycle of it being one and then the other, but wow am I sick of it, sick to death of it being a more-or-less daily preoccupation.  Always thinking about whether I'm going to use it, how much, what form (vape or edible), whether it's going to be good or if I'm going to end up wishing that I hadn't.  A lifetime of this crap.

My relationship with cannabis changed two years ago after the floods when I abstained from it completely for seven months.  Since that long break, I have been less dependent on it, more moderate in my use, more able to take days off, less stressed about the whole thing in general.  Sometimes it seems almost like a non-issue, something I don't need to waste my self-discipline and self-care resources worrying about.  It's such a huge improvement over how I was with it years ago when I needed it just to get out of bed.  I'm truly thankful for that, but still every time I reach for it I long for a mythical time when I will be able to not even think about it for days at a time, and if I indulge I will properly enjoy it.  Hey, I managed that with ice cream, why not this?