I Am

[sanmagic7]

i agree with blueberry, bach.  hang tough, ok?  we're hangin' right beside you.  you're not alone in this.  i found many relatable thoughts in what you wrote.  sending love and a big hug filled w/ care and comfort.

[dollyvee]

That's great Bach    I hope you're able to talk to, befriend, and have compassion for those parts.

I'm really happy for you that you stuck with exploring something that seemed fuzzy, or untrue. Like Blueberry said these sound like big realizations.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Bach]

This is what Left Hand says:

I'm scared.  Afraid of success, afraid of failure.  Freeze isn't fun but it's SAFE.  I love you Left Hand.

Left Hand also drew a picture:
https://www.flickr.com/photos/31314134@N06/shares/sQ6Jz574Ya

[Chart]

I want to chip in and affirm what others are saying. Realizations like you're having are just the thing those invalidated inner parts are crying out for. Before moving on to a new chapter we absolutely have to finish past ones. If we don't, the story is fragmented. For a book to be whole each part must be written in Truth. It's horribly hard and extremely painful. But it IS indeed the true sign that mourning and healing can begin. I wish it was faster too. I'm in the midst like you, Bach. It's really really hard. Don't give up, okay? Me too I want to keep going. Your story helps me know I'm not alone. Thank you.
 

[NarcKiddo]

Left Hand drew a lovely picture, of a very precious bird. And I think it is good to explore what Left Hand has to say. I have tried a bit of that, on and off. I should do more of it. Thank you for the reminder.

 

[sanmagic7]

sending much care and comfort as you travel this difficult path, bach.  these realizations can be difficult, but i agree they come to us to be listened to, and their revelations can be priceless.  love and hugs

[Bach]

Today my therapist made me talk about why I'm angry at my parents.  I wonder if that's why I spent the whole afternoon feeling like I have nothing to live for.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to be patient and take good care of Left Hand who wants to do ALL THE THINGS, NOW! but gets tired quickly and will burn right out if I'm not careful.  If I don't watch out it will be like when I tried to learn how to play bass guitar in 2020 and trashed my pinky after about a month or so of compulsive overpractice.  I was making real progress, but I never got back to it after my pinky healed because that's kind of how I am.  The thing I'm best at is disappointing myself.   

[Chart]

The thing I'm best at is disappointing myself.   

Bach, That's actually good. Because if it's you doing it then that means you can change.
 

[sanmagic7]

bach, you sound like you're in a pretty neg. place right now.  talking about parents, why we have strong emotions about them can have a tremendously neg. effect on our psyche, i think. i don't especially want to dredge up those emotions, nor the events/people who they're related to.  i hope you can take care of yourself as best as possible.  love and hugs

[Bach]

My whole life, I've done everything wrong.  I really wish that it could just be over already.  I'm not going to do anything to purposely end it, but wow am I tired of everything.  Tired of dealing with everything.  Tired of the pain.  Tired of trying and failing.  Tired of trying and succeeding only for the briefest time before sinking back into failure and hopelessness once again.  Tired of feeling old.  I'm tired of my bowels not working right.  Tired of therapy, tired of drugs, tired of advertisements, tired of social media, tired of false hope.  Tired of politics and of everyone going crazy.  Tired of the general lack of hope in the world today, at least the parts of it that I'm exposed to.  I'm tired of worrying about money.  I'm tired of having to figure out what's for dinner.  I'm tired of waking up in the morning wishing I could just go back to sleep.   

I'm tired of living with having been born unwanted.  Tired of all the things I don't know happened.  Did my mother really break my leg when I was an infant, or was it some mysterious freak accident involving the bars of a crib?  Did she really try to suffocate me or was it a near-miss with a pillow or blanket or crib bumper, because those were the days when people didn't know any better about that kind of thing?  I'm tired of thinking about it all.  I'm tired of blaming her.  Blaming all the adults that failed me.  I'm tired of having to live only barely as my present self and mostly as 8 or 9 or 10 year old unwanted unnurtured me.  I'm tired of not being able to let it all go. 

I'm tired of so many things, I could go on and on and on.  But now I'm tired of this ranting, too.  I really, really, really REALLY wish that I could just go to sleep and not wake up. 

[Chart]

I'm sorry you're struggling so much Bach. You didn't deserve that treatment as a child. Please find the strength to treat yourself differently. You deserve love. Sadly you never got that from the ones responsible. Please try and comfort and love the one you were who so deserved it. You can do it. You have good reason to feel what you're feeling right now. Allow it to be. Know it will change. And with each cycle encourage the little girl  to show her sadness... and meet her sadness with love. As much as you can.
Sending love and support.