The ramblings of an abused kid (trigger warnings galore)

[GoSlash27]

Starting about age 6, the adults began referring to me as the "absent- minded professor". They thought it was "cute". I thought nothing of it at the time. Now it's infuriating. They did this to me! My "adorable" absent- mindedness is an affliction.This is not a "feature", it's a bug. A brain injury borne of child abuse. I will never form a "normal" memory as others do. It doesn't bother me that others joke about it, but it bothers me very much that they did. No "trigger warning" necessary, I'll just leave it there.
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My baby sister was never supposed to imprint upon me as fully as she did. She was supposed to have active and involved parents. Nobody actually took an interest in her except me, and as toddlers she was more of a "toy" to me than a "responsibility". "My Buddy". Wherever I go, she goes. Her first steps weren't toward a parent. They were toward me. Where was mom? Asleep on the couch after partying all night.
 Then came upheaval, abuse, years of separation, and dissociative amnesia. "Sister"?? What sister?
 When we were reunited, we fell into our old pattern. The dynamic bothered her later in life; like she was a pest, tagalong, etc. She confessed recently that she wanted to be me. Not just be near me, but to literally be who I was.
 I never felt that way. She was my "wonder twin". I would seek her out, wait at the bus stop for her, etc. because I never felt "whole" when she wasn't around.
 This was not a healthy sibling dynamic. We were seemingly telepathically linked for years. She saw me as "mom", I saw her as "twin". It really broke my heart in later years as she began to see me as a threat and turn hostile even though I had never done anything to her.
 Again, mom's fault. She was asleep on the couch after partying all night.
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 I got my fancy gold roller skates. I replaced the wheels with the light-up ones. Laced them properly, adjusted the trucks for "action". And now I'm sick.  I cannot take them on their maiden "fantastic voyage". Maybe next week.   

[HannahOne]

Go Slash, I am following the unfolding. Hooray for roller skates. I raised my sibling, too and you describe the complexity of the dynamic so well. Roll on, we're following along.

[GoSlash27]

My search for my benefactor "Mrs. Marilyn Davis, 1211 Wood Street, Wilkinsburg, PA" has officially hit a dead end.
 She was not the Apostle Marilynn Davis I had assumed she was. Despite the seemingly identical personalities, her associates assure me that she never lived in Wilkinsburg. The address, phone number, and name come up blank in the Carnegie archives. the phone number and address were unlisted. I will never know who she was.
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 My brother's widow told me last week that the childhood trauma he mainly told her about wasn't what happened to *us* collectively, but rather what happened to *him* individually.
 My baby sister and I went off to "special needs" shelters. Rehabilitation. Loving, caring, nurturing foster homes. Not him.
 *He* went into "the system", where bigger kids and adults abused him relentlessly. He was rejected by foster homes. Anger, behavioral, learning issues. *This* is the stuff he remembered.
 He was a 5 year old kid. I dissociated, he didn't. I went on to a positive environment, he didn't. I'm alive and have never been abusive. He assaulted his daughter and committed suicide.

 Everything I went through, it was bad. Don't get me wrong. But what *he* went through was worse. I can't even imagine it, let alone relate to it. He was beaten into pure meanness, like they do to pitbulls. 

[NarcKiddo]

The skates sound wonderful. I'm sorry you're unwell and hope you feel better soon so you can take them for a spin. I also raised my little sister but our dynamic was very different. However the chips land it's not a healthy way to be and I am sorry you and she had to deal with it. I'm also very sorry about what happened to your brother.

[GoSlash27]

it's not a healthy way to be and I am sorry you and she had to deal with it.

Thanks, but that's not quite what I meant. I don't regret that my baby sister and I had such a close "wonder twins" relationship. I enjoyed the heck out of it. But it was a bad dynamic for her. Baby duck is supposed to imprint on momma duck, not big brother duck.
 I would also add that I never felt like I was "raising" her. I never felt responsibility for her or exerted authority over her. I never fed her, clothed her, etc. I'd just steal her out of her playpen and play with her every chance I got. In later years, you rarely saw one of us without the other. We were attached at the hip. She was like my "invisible friend", but she was real. My "My Buddy" doll, but alive.
 I don't think the "parent/ child" relationship is quite what either of us felt.
Best,
-Slashy