Eerie Anne's Journal

[Eireanne]

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[Eireanne]

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[Eireanne]

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[Eireanne]

I processed a bunch of trauma but didn't write any of it down. I wonder how much of it I'll remember tomorrow.

[Eireanne]

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[Eireanne]

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[Eireanne]

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[Eireanne]

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[rainydiary]

I hope your meeting with HR went as smooth as it could.

[Eireanne]

@Rainy Diary - thank you. It really did go well.  The only thing that severely triggered me was when she asked how the conversation went when I was eliminated.  As I brought up the memory and started to tell her, I started at the triggered spot and slipped into full on being right back there as it was happening, word vomiting all the stuff that came up, and then was able to stop and say, "so yeah, that's how that conversation went". 

We immediately switched gears to me telling her all the value add I did for the company, how well I had been exceeding expectations and doing amazing things and how all I desperately wanted was for my managers to have the same perception of my accomplishments as I had. How I just wanted to feel I belonged. 

She confided to me "person to person" that she's experienced something similar and has also had trouble recollecting things, wondering if she said/did something wrong and was made to feel like things were her fault.  She said, "one day, L will just be a story you tell and doesn't define you". 

The funniest (not funny) part of the conversation was when I was re-telling her the part of the story where I was written up.  She asked what happened, and I said, in that moment, I couldn't process anything, all I could think was "my position is going to be eliminated"

She asked, "what was the result of that conversation?"  I replied, "My position was eliminated."

[rainydiary]

I'm glad your conversation was met with support and understanding. 

[Eireanne]

I've got about 150 posts left in my old journal, and it's interesting for me to read the entries now with current understanding. Especially the aspect where I let my parts say what they really feel about things, it helps me to understand that it's the filter I view everything through, which changes the perspective and meaning of the words I'm reading. I find running things through my filters several times helps me uncover what is going on, and helps me see it clearer. 

For example, the message I kept getting over and over is if I focus on the negative, I will only get more negative, so don't let your mind go there!!  Um, but letting my mind actually go there and digging up all the things I learned and the stories I've been telling myself helped me to realize what was actually going on. 

"when you and I get focused on what bothers us, the universe can only grow for us that which we are attending with our attention."

Guess what Universe, my attention is focused on my healing now, and it ISN'T from letting go of my thoughts and watching them float by like little leaves with assigning no meaning to them. 

"Take your attention away from what worries you, and focus on what you love!"

[Eireanne]

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[Denali]

Hi EA, I found you first paragraph inspiring. I don't think that message is prominent enough among people.

Especially survivors, we're put in a box and have expectations, usually unrealistic expectations put on us that can hinder our growth into being who we want to become.

I have never liked the "v" word and I won't to be referred as one.

As I've aged, I started letting go of people who wanted a lot from me. When I got sick they still had the same expectations. Instead of support and understanding, they still wanted the energy put to them.

It did take awhile, finally the lack of just respecting my wishes about things pushed me to just walk away.

  on speaking out about topics that aren't considered an issue.

[Eireanne]

@Rainy Diary - me too...I am very grateful the woman has empathy and compassion. I wasn't expecting that.
@Denali - thank you so much.  I huge part of my lived experience was not having a voice, so learning to speak out is new to me.