Eerie Anne's Journal

[Eireanne]

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[Eireanne]

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[Moondance]

I usually keep a draft going as I listen to the Pete Walker book, and take notes of the things that resonate with me.  Some of the other members mentioned this was helpful to them, but this morning, as I hit enter, I got an error message...followed by another....followed by me being logged out and not able to get back in.  I was afraid I had done something wrong, posted something bad, broken some rule and not warned...I don't even remember what the content of the post was about, it was the end of chapter 4, and now that I'm on chapter 5, it just doesn't even seem relevant, but I'm not doing well.

A friend called today and I did the same thing I do all the time, complain about everything going wrong and how I can't see a way out of it. I don't have friends, I hate what my life has become.  A new friend who doesn't have a car asked me to take her grocery shopping this morning, and went out the night before.  She asked if I had done anything, and I said no. I didn't say, of course I didn't do anything, I have no one to do anything WITH.  It's so frustrating for me.  I don't remember how to just talk to people without feeling...this way.  That I've been isolated for way too long, and I have absolutely nothing relatable to share with anyone.

This makes the friends I do have give up on me, and makes me sink lower and lower.  I can't even put it into words and keep thinking if I just did, then I wouldn't feel it anymore, but I do.  I vent and vent and vent and it's never what I really need to say.  I wish I could explain it. 

I understand everyone I know has a life, they have friends, and family and social activities.  I don't. I have things I want to do, but unless I do them alone, I have to miss out on them. I've been here before.  I've missed out on so many things, just because I haven't had anyone to go with.  Everyone thinks, oh, I must be co-dependent, I need someone, that's NOT IT. I do not receive enjoyment at doing things alone and being surrounded by couples, and families and groups of people all laughing and having a good time and I just feel like I'm apart from that. I feel like a ghost.  No one touches me, I don't touch anyone, no one even notices me...I have felt this way nearly my entire life. I'm soooo tired of things being this way and I don't know what to change about myself to fix it. 

I hate that the rest of my life is just going to be more of this. 

I talked to a co-worker and he's brilliant at the way he words things and could easily get himself out of this situation, he has so many friends and people that love him and connections...everyone I know does, and yet no one has time to include me in their life.

I had him read something my manager said that was especially triggering and he said he just didn't see it.  He read it, the way she said it, without all the feelings that I have...and then it makes me doubt whether my feelings are real, but when I talk to my therapist, she sees the same exact thing I do....so I just feel lost.  I don't know how to navigate this, or navigate conversations, or interactions, or anything...and then I worry that I will lose this forum too. 

I also don't have any tools to get me out of this feeling/mindstate, because this is just my world.  No friends, no ability to get out of my own head, no one to support me. 

The worst part of all of this, there's a co-worker who also has c-ptsd, but she's got support from colleagues and she's doing a huge presentation about her lived experience and it's being celebrated, yet I'm being punished and about to get fired, because my c-ptsd is caused by work.  I just don't get it, what it is about me that makes everyone dislike me?

Hi Erieanne,

I simply want to say I hear what you are saying and I so get it.  Just my 2 cents but you are saying it, you are getting it out just as it is, you explain what you are experiencing and I understand you and can so relate.

I've underlined the same exact thoughts and feelings you have courageously shared that I think and feel.   We might know, think, feel we are alone (and are physically alone).  This forum however speaks loudly that we are not alone with these thoughts, feelings and beliefs about ourselves.

If okay I send you a warm and understanding hug.

[Armee]

I agree with Moondance. Your post was very clear and also really just articulates so well what it is like to have cptsd. To feel separate from people. Almost alien. Yes. This is what it feels like. And people like your friend at work. Or my H is the same way...didn't grow up like this. Grew up with a normal supportive loving family and no big trauma. He doesn't understand me...or didnt...he finally does but we've been friends for 30 years. It took 28 years for him to understand why the world seems the way it does to me, how I can have so much self-doubt and all the other CPTSD symptoms.

Just...keep going. You will get through this horrible thicket of symptoms. It's slow and painful, lined with thorns. But there will come a time that you'll be able to look back and see how far you've come. And even though it is a painful process, it'll feel worth it. There is a path out. You're on it. Keep going.

I've been on this forum several years now and I still worried too that I had gotten the boot when I couldn't log in,  even though I've been through forum updates before where I've gotten locked out along with everyone else. That's just the stupid cptsd talking.

[Eireanne]

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[Eireanne]

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[sanmagic7]

EA, i think that's a lovely email to yourself.  it felt good just reading it.  i like it a lot - a great way to start the day.  thanks for posting it.  love and hugs

[Eireanne]

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[Armee]

 

[Eireanne]

Thank you for the hug Armee 

I've felt this way for so long...and isn't how I'm feeling right at this moment, but I did want to put this here anyway...

Take a look at my body
Look at my hands
There's so much here
That I don't understand

Your face-saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them

'Cause I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable

Well, contempt loves the silence
It thrives in the dark
With fine winding tendrils
That strangle the heart

They say that promises
Sweeten the blow
But I don't need them
No, I don't need them

I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable

I'm a slow-dying flower
I'm a frost-killing hour
Sweet turning sour
And untouchable

Oh, I need
The darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
Oh, I need this

I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
Angel-sweet love of my life
Oh, I need this

I'm a slow-dying flower
Frost-killing hour
The sweet turning sour
And untouchable

Do you remember the way
That you touched me before?
All the trembling sweetness
I loved and adored?

Your face-saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them

I need
The darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
I need this

I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
Angel-sweet love of my life
Oh, I need this

Well, is it dark enough?
Can you see me?
Do you want me?
Can you reach me?
Oh, I'm leaving

Better shut your mouth
And hold your breath
You kiss me now
You catch your death
Oh, I mean this

Oh, I need this

Not sure if the lyrics are 100% right, I just copy/pasted them without checking, but this is the song that I've always related to most...there's a few others...I've always felt like the Little Match Girl, looking in but never really being a part of anything, never really belonging.  I need a village...I need to grieve...I need to be held...and I don't know how to do that alone. 

[sanmagic7]

EA, the little match girl has been with me since i've been very young.  when i first heard that story, i cried and cried, maybe as hard as i've ever cried - i was about 5, i think - and i know now my tears were for me because that's also how i felt - alone in the cold w/ no one to help, care, or comfort.

it still hits me today.  i'm so glad you're beginning to feel some support from this forum.  they're the best people i've never met, and have supported and cared about me like rarely anyone in real life.  glad you're here.  love and hugs

[Eireanne]

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[Eireanne]

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[Eireanne]

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[Eireanne]

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