Eerie Anne's Journal

[Blueberry]

I still am not clear on how to work the journal.  If I focus on what it is I'm trying to journal about, I feel like I'm ignoring all the helpful responses I've received and if I focus on responding, then I'm not getting my thoughts out, but I'm too busy feeling bad I may unintentionally hurt someone's feelings and then I feel selfish that I am so needy right now that I shut down. 

I understand the dilemma. I usually end up responding to those who have replied in my Journal. But that's one of my problems  - prioritising other people over myself. It is PERFECTLY OK to just go ahead and get your own thoughts out and not feel bad! It really looks as if you have a lot of thoughts to get out too. Once you've been getting them out for a while, you may notice you want to respond to other posters and then you can. I would suggest trying to feel what YOU want to do. Then do that. I'm OK with not getting a response to this post, I won't be hurt or offended

[Armee]

It's such a long process, EAnne. Standing with you through it. We were all in situations mostly at least 20+ years where these traumas occurred. We simply can't get it out and undo it all at once. It takes a long time. Little by little it will get out and there will be pieces of relief.

I often can't respond to people's responses in my journal even though what they've written has been a salve and just what I needed to hear. I can respond to others in their journals, but responding to what people wrote in mine is difficult. I mostly try to acknowledge that what people said was helpful without going into much detail, exactly so I'll still have the emotional energy to write new stuff. It's OK, whatever is helpful to you.

[Eireanne]

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[Eireanne]

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[rainydiary]

I appreciate your reflection on being told to "breathe."  It doesn't set well with me or help me and I wish it wasn't something folks suggested.

[sanmagic7]

hey, EA, i've also been thru the 'sleep hygiene' lecture - so to speak - and it didn't work for me, either.  as i've progressed in recovery, i've found a routine that works quite well for me most nights, plus my meds, so i'm fairly okay w/ how i'm sleeping now.

it's tough when 2 people are trying to communicate but they're on different planes and can't get thru to each other.  it's so very frustrating to not be understood, no matter how many ways you say the same thing.

there was a woman on this forum who used to give the suggestion to 'breathe, just breathe', and to me it always came off as taking a beat, let yourself be for a moment.  i found it very helpful when i was feeling frantic and/or flustered.  however, that's me.  one thing doesn't necessarily work for everyone.  we're learning to do what's best for us.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

there was a woman on this forum who used to give the suggestion to 'breathe, just breathe', and to me it always came off as taking a beat, let yourself be for a moment.  i found it very helpful when i was feeling frantic and/or flustered. 

That's how I understood it too and sometimes it would work for me. Probably not if I was really EF-y and/or in the throes of a huge AH.

Eireanne, breathing as a grounding/distracting method is actually not good for everybody with cptsd because it can be triggering all on its own! It can bring stuff up from the depths. It does for me for example. As san wrote, not everything works for everybody. I think everybody's cptsd is a little different, just like we human beings are all a little different from one another. Living with cptsd or even recovery from it for those who manage is a journey in finding out what works for oneself.

[Eireanne]

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[Armee]

I'm sorry, EerieAnne, I totally misunderstood what you were asking. I thought you were referring to how to respond in terms of content. But in terms of how to respond, yes you would just use the reply button at the top, just like you do adding your own new journal entries. There's also a quote function if you want to respond to a specific statement, like this. Once you start a reply, you can scroll down to another post below and you'll see "insert quote" at the top of a post. That will grab the whole post and put it in quotes, and you can cut out sections you don't want to include. Misunderstandings can make me feel alien and like no one understands and that feeling of being "other" is a very common and painful symptom of trauma survivors.

I keep getting into misunderstandings with everyone.  Even here.  I said, I don't know how to respond to people - I meant literally, what am I supposed to do, respond in a journal entry?  Then I saw there's a message feature, so I have been using that, but unsure if people see their messages. I ask what I think is a simple question and people misinterpret it. I wonder, is it me? Is there a better way of saying things? And I obsessively overthink everything to the point I'm upset about it. 

[Blueberry]

I resonate with a whole lot in many of your posts. Often your questions and wonderings are things I've gone through and come up with a sort of answer for myself. But that's my answer, it might not be yours! In other words, it might not be what's best for you or best in your situation. Anyway, there is a rule-of-thumb on OOTS about not giving advice. Some mbrs get pretty triggered when given advice. I'm one of those. However it is OK to write about what helped you in a similar situation.

I sense a certain desperation in your posts and it's hard for me to separate myself from that. Although possibly I'm just remembering my own desperation way back when and attributing it to you now.

What helped me back then was Pebbles in Pocket plus Book of Daily Joys. Start out the day with pebbles or lima beans or something of that sort in one pocket and transfer them one by one to the other pocket during the course of the day everytime something good or joyful happens (a sunbeam; somebody understood you; somebody smiled at you in passing, somebody included you in their group etc - you'll find what makes you happy) and then go through the pebbles at the end of the day to jog your memory, then write them in your Book of Daily Joys. This method helps to re-connect your mind to what's fun for you, what helps you, what strengthens your resiliency etc. It also helps shift your mind to concentrate on the good things here and now instead of going through past trauma and wondering 'What did I do wrong??' in a sort of loop. It doesn't mean the bad stuff doesn't exist or that you shove it under the rug as possibly was done in the family you grew up in and-that's-why-you're-in-the-situation-you-are-now-in (which is certainly my case) but that for a certain amount of time you're focussed on other stuff.


One thing other mbrs on here often remind me of: be kind and compassionate to yourself! I tend to forget that. I want to heal right away, get frustrated with myself when I can't function the way i want to etc. I'd like to say that to you too. You might ask: "How can I be kind to myself?" It's a journey of discovery into what's kind for you? What feels good to you?

Possibly an easier way of getting into methods like Pebbles in Pocket / Daily Joys would be to look here: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=49.0  Threads of similar topics are pinned at the top. Choose one you like rather than one that annoys or triggers you. There are probably also apps you can use, some of which may be listed on the link I've just given you.

I keep getting into misunderstandings with everyone.  Even here.  I said, I don't know how to respond to people - I meant literally, what am I supposed to do, respond in a journal entry?  Then I saw there's a message feature, so I have been using that, but unsure if people see their messages. I ask what I think is a simple question and people misinterpret it. I wonder, is it me? Is there a better way of saying things? And I obsessively overthink everything to the point I'm upset about it. 

I did get your PM but I simply haven't responded because... my own life got in the way. Nothing personal.

I hope I've explained myself clearly up above, but I don't know.  Having difficulty with words/language is part of cptsd for some of us. That's a FACT. It's to do with part of the brain. I'm having particular difficulties atm myself, despite the fact that I'm educated, work with language etc etc

I also really resonate with the struggle to find a T or other medical personnel who really get it!

[sanmagic7]

hey, EA, i also got your PM.  thanks for the thanks. 

i think you communicate well, by the by.  i, too, have problems at times knowing the precise word/words i want to use.  i think sometimes my mind is simply overloaded at that moment.  at least, that's what i'm telling myself, instead of chastising myself for not knowing.  it's part of the 'be gentle' w/ me theory.  we've had too many people who have been harsh and hurtful to us, i think it's important to not do that to ourselves as well.

as for journals, i enjoy responding to other peoples' posts in my journal.  often, what they've said stirs something in me or helps me look at a situation differently, and i like to acknowledge that.  otherwise, i like thanking them for their support.  keep doing what works best for you, ok?  like my T told me, this is a marathon, not a sprint.  sending love and a hug full of clarity to you.

[Papa Coco]

Hi EA,

I am deeply touched by your situation. In my own life, I've had many times when I've felt similar things. I sometimes think of how trying to explain what CPTSD feels like to people who don't have it must be as difficult as a mother trying to explain to men what childbirth feels like. Or trying to explain what being a plane crash victim feels like to someone who's never flown in a plane. Here, on this forum, we all know what C-PTSD feels like, so my hope is that you can trust that we do understand a lot of what you are saying to us and what we are saying to each other.  We're birds of a feather here.

I'm very glad you found this forum. As you struggle with feeling heard, we can definitely hear you.

I struggle with this often. I have a robust and outgoing personality, but when C-PTSD brings me into deep depression or tongue-tied confusion, non-PTSD survivors look at me like I'm crazy. They don't understand how I could be happy and engaged one day, and then confused and dark the next. I say things out of context. I don't make sense. People think I'm nuts. It hurts. It's embarrassing. It forces me back into isolation, which only deepens my situation.

Please keep communicating with us. We get it.

What you're describing in your posts here feels to me like classic C-PTSD. Whenever I feel like I've sounded incoherent on this forum, the other members have come to my rescue and eased my fears about what I'm saying. The compassion and empathy on this forum are comforting to me and I hope that we can comfort you too.  Nothing you're saying here sounds crazy. It sounds like painful C-PTSD, which is what brought all of us to this forum.

What helps me to calm down when I feel the anxiety of sounding incoherent is I now just say: That's trauma. It's TRAUMA. It's not insanity, it's trauma. Trauma makes us all feel crazy. It's trauma. Trauma. It's not me. And trauma therapists can help us. Trauma drives the isolation. Trauma drives the depression. Trauma drives the feelings of not being heard. Trauma drives the loneliness.  So as we work with the tools of trauma therapy, all the other problems it causes start to fade down to manageble levels. Even though we feel like it's taking too long to feel better, trauma does take time to rise up from.

As far as people telling you to get a dog or to volunteer, I'm sure they're only trying to help, but I learned to stop letting NON-Trauma survivors try to help me. This forum, my therapist, and the books on CPTSD are better sources of information. Non-Trauma survivors may mean  well, but they don't understand trauma, so I don't put much faith in their solution ideas. I appreciate them trying to help, but...

Personally, speaking for myself, it has become a lot easier for me to explain my trauma since I started reading the books. The book that helped me the most in recent years was Pete Walker's book on Complex  PTSD from Surviving to Thriving.  I took notes and even made index cards that I could use to help myself understand why I was doing some of the trauma things I was doing. By reading his explanations of how CPTSD makes us feel alone and unable to understand or explain ourselves, I started to find ways to explain my situation with non-trauma people.

Understanding the trauma, has helped me to start understanding myself. I'm not my trauma, but trauma has been pulling my strings. As I learn what trauma really is, those strings are losing their grip on me.

[Eireanne]

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[Eireanne]

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[sanmagic7]

i hear you, EA, and also want to send along validation for your struggles. i am on the spectrum cusp, and i get how difficult it can be to find the words i want in a situation.  l also understand when you say your intrusive? is that the right word? thoughts are not adhd related.  i suffer from them as well, and have learned they're part of trauma brain.  as my T told me, i do have c-ptsd.  that is a huge wrench in the works of thinking, articulating, following, understanding - all that cognitive stuff.

please, be patient w/ yourself.  you've just begun this journey here, you're getting your thoughts and words down as best you can, and you have the time and space here to do what you can when you can.  no rush, no judgment.  our brains/minds have been wounded by trauma.  you've taken some first steps toward healing yours.  i give you a lot of credit for that.  sending love and a hug full of clarity.