Eerie Anne's Journal

[Eireanne]

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[Eireanne]

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[Eireanne]

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[sanmagic7]

interesting stuff, EA.  the loneliness portion reminded me of the 'failure to thrive' syndrome. i'd first heard it connected to WWII in england, where babies were sent out of london for protection to outlying hospitals. their staff, unfortunately, was overwhelmed, and couldn't do much more than shelter and feed the babies. it was noticed that these children failed to thrive, as in not growing or gaining weight at a normal level, hence the advent of using older people to come in and spend time rocking babies when the parents weren't available.

this has always fascinated me, how we can be given the necessities of life, so to speak, yet because of not having regular human contact, we can be prone to all sorts of maladjustments physically, mentally, emotionally.

i hate that you've had problems speaking up, asking for what you need, and having that ignored/denied. you're another example of the strength we have shown in the midst of sometimes life-threatening adversity. love and hugs

[Eireanne]

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[Hope67]

Hi Eiranne,
I read what you wrote, and I wanted to say something - but somehow words have failed me, and I can't think of what I really would like to say - so I'll just say that I related to what you mentioned about trying to get your laptop battery problem fixed, and how frustrating it can be to have difficulties doing something like that. 

I also wanted to say that I'm glad that you're being as compassionate with yourself as you can.  I wanted to send you a hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

EA, i relate to so much of your struggle and just want to let you know that you're not alone.  we can't automatically do what we haven't been taught or shown (like IT stuff, self-soothing, etc.) sending you much love and a big hug filled with care 

[Eireanne]

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[sanmagic7]

EA, i hear you.  i've finally put that one class of people under the heading of 'ignorant', as in ignorant as to what might actually be going on, what it means, how it might possibly feel.  i've had many run-ins w/ those people, but have also found some who have tried to understand, have asked me to explain, or have just given comfort cuz they know i'm hurting. the 'ignorants' are the ones who hand out platitudes on a platter thinking it will help, and can't understand why it doesn't. it's too bad. sometimes it's also a struggle for us to understand, and we've gone thru it.  keep taking care of you, ok?  love and hugs

[Eireanne]

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[Eireanne]

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[Eireanne]

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[sanmagic7]

EA, it sure sounds like you've had some very harsh experiences/situations when it comes to interacting w/ others.  i wish that hadn't been so. 

i think a lot of us have tended to gravitate toward people who feel 'familiar', for a couple of reasons. one is that it's the kind of treatment/actions we've come to know from family.  i know i've sought out relationships w/ men who were emotionally blank walls and women who treated me without kindness/gentleness or as someone not to be taken seriously, including friends and superiors.  it is a lonely and confusing place to be.

two is that i haven't known very well how to be around people who weren't unkind to me, or who were emotionally available, male or female.  like you said, i wasn't taught how to have a healthy relationship w/ someone like that, and i also wasn't comfortable when someone did treat me kindly - didn't know how to react to that, often sabotaged it because it wasn't familiar.

it's taken a while, a long while and a lot of 'weeding' to get rid of all those unhealthy relationships, leave those people behind, and has left me w/ 4 people who i know are on my side.  very different from the days when i was surrounded by 'friends'.  i hope you are able to find your way to finding and becoming more comfortable w/ people who have your best interests at heart.  i'm glad you're here.  love and hugs

[Eireanne]

I'm glad you're here as well San - thank you 


Core wounds, values, hopes, fears, beliefs
The most difficult – core wounds
Primal – psychological injuries. Broken bones that never healed right.
A byproduct of early trauma, abandonment, bullying, neglect, inconsistency, invalidation, gaslighting, abuse.
Core Wound activation is something we feel physically – even though you can talk your way through, your body still feels awful. 

What are your core wounds? being neglected, invisible, no autonomy, no one to care about my opinion, my likes, my preferences, what I might want to do...people always telling me what they think I should do then not wanting to be my friend if I resist that and strive for what I actually want.

How have these wounds affected you in adulthood? People will misinterpret my intentions, not ask for clarity, be lazy in their assumptions of me and not be there for me when I need help.  They tell me how I should act, and that includes keeping my problems to myself and not sharing them, and when I do, it causes them to feel uncomfortable, so they reject me. The affect that the complete and total abandonment when I am in most need of help resulted in my belief that there is something wrong with me on a cellular level and I am from an untouchable caste, a leper and no one will ever love me.

Because of your core wounds, what have you avoided? I've avoided speaking up because when I ask for help, I don't receive it, so I've learned not to try.  I know that speaking up brings attention to myself and then punishment ensues. 

Have your core wounds played a role in the types of relationships you have been in (or are in)? Write about that and reflect on it The only relationships I've been in are with people that sense my vulnerability and realize I have no guile and am trusting and honest and have a great amount of empathy and they enjoy that supply - it makes them feel better about themselves to break me down. Because of my fear of being alone, I have tolerated these breadcrumbs of attention from people who don't care about me, because growing up with such little care I believed that should be enough.

Can you think of ways you can use knowledge of your core wounds to build better boundaries? Choose different relationships? Be more compassionate with yourself? Now that I understand any time I get attached to the belief someone will care about me, that is just hope from my inner child, I can compassionately remind her that the only thing we can depend on is ourselves.  I will be grateful for the interactions I have and remind myself not to expect more from anyone.

Have your core wounds played a role in getting into or getting stuck in a narcissistic relationship? I wouldn't say stuck - I would say that since I never experienced anything different, I know that's not the relationship I want to be in and perhaps the universe is having me learn the lesson of being alone, and surviving without social support is possible. 

[Eireanne]

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