no returns

[Moondance]

I hate the uncertainty as well Sanmagic7.

Although a difficult decision Sanmagic7 I think you did really well in looking after yourself and your peace of mind. 

 

[rainydiary]

San, I resonate with feeling uncertain within myself for decisions that I know are right but might look differently at different moments depending on context.  I hope that you find some ease moving forward and give yourself lots of care through uncertainty.

[Armee]

 

It sounds like a really confusing situation.

[sanmagic7]

thank you, moondance.  i so appreciate the support and your words of encouragement

rainy, your words, i felt the caring in them.  thank you. it's true - i know it's right but the battle rages on.  your words helped make me stronger.

armee, 'confusing' hit me in the gut.  that's just what this has been from day 1.  a relationship should not be confusing day after day.  thank you. 

i've lived in a fantasy world about this man for half a century.  part of my confusion was trying to cement the fact that we aren't what we were, he wasn't going to take me away on his white horse and take care of me for the rest of my life, and those red flags are real.  that last one is the hardest to cement w/in my mind.  this was a whole ****show of emotions, hopes, dreams, from nearly 60 yrs. ago.

i'll talk to my t about this again tomorrow.  my head is still so full of this, it's difficult to ease off it.  one thing i do know is that i'm not as stressed, which is a good thing.  still somewhat but not as much.  dang, men in my life.  they've been what i thought were life rafts for me.  i've depended on men to define me cuz i had no self-definition.  i guess i have some daddy issues to get into and resolved.

[sanmagic7]

yep, daddy issues.  he raised me to be a tough street kid of the male variety. my name is a derivative of my grandfather's name, the nickname my dad called me by was from a cartoon character who happened to be a little boy of the street kid variety, and many more memories of my girlhood being denied - no, you don't want to be a princess, etc. i wanted to do girl things when i was in junior high and was not allowed (shaving my legs - 'if you start you'll never be able to stop, so, no'), my first bra came via one of my aunts rather than my mother, wearing makeup was prohibited until i was a senior. 

so, the X thing followed a long line of wanting to be defined as a girl by men.  it's been an endless vortex, couldn't get enough of them, each one giving me touch, a sense of desirability, and affirmation that i was a girl.  somewhat like an addiction - the hole could not be filled.  it makes me want to cry just thinking about it.

we did some flash technique on the princess part.  i had mentioned to her that i'd covered this in my NN, but for some reason it didn't stick.  She thought it might be because i was imagining my father doing something different and he really didn't have the capability to do what i needed, something like that.  instead, she had me imagine adult me was in that picture w/ 4-yr. old me who wanted to be a princess, and sure enough, the tears fell like waterfalls down my face.  i saw myself open my arms to her and she ran into them.  i'd never felt so cared for before.

it was rough, tho.  my T also asked me what my parents called me, what name they called me, and i remembered my dad would call me by my nickname unless he was upset about something.  that's when he'd call me by my real name.  i don't remember my mother calling me by a name.  my T asked what i called my 4-yr. old self in my image, and i said, 'probably darlin' or sweetheart'.  she was satisfied w/ that.

there's a lot more work to be done, but it's a start.  there's one silver lining from the X thing - i got to recognize my dependence on men for the defining of myself as a girl/woman.  so strange how this can happen, but as i look back, i kept trying to get all the things from random men i'd needed from my F and didn't get.

on another topic, i want to put an avatar up, but don't know how to do it.  would someone help me w/ this?  thanks. 

[NarcKiddo]

Avatar instructions here:
https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=11501.0

It sounds like you made good progress in your last therapy session, even though it was rough. 

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate your reflections on the experience of gender expectations and expression. 

[Moondance]

 

If you need additional support or step by step support to upload Avatar feel free to message me San.

 

[natureluvr]

sanmagic, I'm glad that your decision to break it off with X has helped you be a lot less stressed.  It sounds like you did the right thing for you. I don't think a healthy relationships is supposed to be so complicated and confusing. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the link, NK.  i worked on it quite a bit, several different ways, right now i have to take a rest from it.  too much info for this old brain to process and make sense of.  but, i'll try again.  i really appreciate this. and, yes, the progress was good, altho it's taking me a bit of time to process it all.  another addiction?  dang, thought i had those all figured out! 

rainy, thanks for your support, as always.  it's been feeling to me like i've had to fight against my being, my girl essence, all my life.  no wonder i'm so tired - so many battles, and this is another one brought to light.

moondance, i really appreciate your offer.  i'm going to give it one more shot, just not now, gotta rest from grappling w/ it, but if it doesn't work, i'll certainly give you a holler.  thanks

NL, i think you hit an important point right on the head. i don't think a healthy relationship should be so complicated and confusing, either.  thank you for that insight and your support. 

everyone here has helped me w/ a lot of clarity about the X thing, and i'm so grateful.  also talked to my T and girlfriend about it, they're in agreement - let this guy go.  i've had such a rich fantasy life about some man taking care of me like my dad never did, and i'm realizing how that has followed me most of my life.  plus, using men as the means to defining me as a girl rather than a boy - that's knocked my socks off. 

at least now i know the reality, still processing all it means.  i've lived in this fantasy since high school - many moons ago. being w/o definition, not only as female but also as a person (my T agreed w/ me some of this might have to do w/ being on the edge of the spectrum) has been a double whammy.  dang, this crapola is tough to wrap my head around.  gotta stop here - i'm getting dizzy.

[Armee]

 

It's difficult to feel like you don't have an outline, to not see and feel definition, to have had even your basic biology and identity denied. You were seeking validation of who you are. That's natural to do. But gosh am I sorry that you were denied that validation by people who most owed it to you, and that in seeking that validation you were hurt badly. That sucks. But it wasn't your fault

You are one strong and feminine wonder woman and I am so happy to know you.

[Not Alone]

San, what you wrote about your dad and princess was very profound. It felt like there should have been lightening bolts around your words, because it is so significant. If I had your address, you would be receiving a whole lot of frilly and sparkly pink and purple things from me. 

[sanmagic7]

armee, all you said was on the money.  thank you so for your support.

notalone, your comments made me feel soft and squishy in a good way.  thank you for that thought.

therapy was interesting yesterday.  i actually got into some things about my M and my reaction was unexpected, to say the least.





TW******* pinworms and doctor care *********







i don't know exactly what led up to it, but i had a memory about when i got pinworms from sitting on the floor in kindergarten (they were like head lice back then, very common, but showed up in little girl 'parts').  this was back in the day when docs made house calls, and he came that night after i was itching and scratching so badly and it wouldn't stop.

so, i was 4 or 5, laid on the bed, and this strange man had his fingers all over 'down there' and i lay still, in the dark, only his flashlight, not moving, not saying anything, not crying, nothing, like i was a corpse.  i knew this was expected of me, but as i remembered it yesterday, i felt violated.  my M was in the room somewhere, but nowhere near me, no comforting words or caresses, nothing reassuring.  i lay there on my own. 



End TW ****************

i realized that all this time, all my life, w/o knowing, i've felt like i've not been worthy of caring about or for, not worth comfort, not worth kindness or gentleness.  not worthy.  i didn't know this, but looking back, all my relationships scream this to me now.  including w/ my D1 and my first therapist, icky L. 

so we decided to flash thru this and the strangest thing happened - it was like my entire body seized up, ramrod straight, then it jack knifed and my eyelids were flapping out of control.  this happened twice, one after the other and i yelled at my t (she was on the phone so didn't see me) to stop.

afterwards, we talked about such a visceral reaction to the idea of believing my unworthiness, and i said that i believe this was not just something in my mind, but at a cellular level.  like deep in my cells, this belief has lived nearly all my life.  this is more than brain activity, neural processing, etc. rather than a belief, it feels like a 'knowing'.  i asked my T if she thought this could be true, and she said she did.  she said she's read research about people in the present reporting on things like the irish potato famine, generational trauma written into their dna.

the experience rocked me, to say the least.  i feel a bit numb right now, like it's too big to let sink into my thought processes.  yesterday, however, for the first time that i can remember, the thought of SH came to me.  that was scary, but it also let me know just how big this is for me, how much this has affected every part of every relationship.  it explains why i stayed too long, why i never knew any boundaries, why i allowed abuse, manipulation, humiliation, all that good stuff over and over and over, from one person to the next. 

it's why i put up w/ too much nearly all the time, and why, when i'd visit my D and she was always kind and patient w/ me, i'd burst into tears at the end of my visit, thanking her, feeling so much gratitude for treating me so wonderfully.  when we've talked about it later, she told me she didn't understand why i reacted like that when all she was doing was showing basic human kindness.  it never felt basic to me.

it also explains why i'll cry at any show of love and sweetness to another, or even when speaking on the topic (this happened a lot in support groups). 

and, i just remembered about this 'being a girl' thing.  i was at a woman's retreat, and one of my biggest issues was having been treated like a boy.  we did a whole rebirthing thing for it, but apparently that didn't stick, either.  at the time, i know when the ritual was finished, i didn't have any sort of revelation, didn't feel any different.  this was about 30 yrs. ago. it's been within me forever.

i'm tired now.  time to relax.

[Moondance]

I can so relate to your feelings expressed in your post.

Thank you for sharing this experience Sanmagic7 and being able to write about it, although difficult is so helpful to me.

At the core of me I also feel undeserving of love and care.  It is the thing I crave the most for but am unable to acceot, unable to take it in.  I do not wish that on anyone else.

I'm so very sorry Sanmagic7 that as a child you did not receive the support, the care, the love, the interest you so deserved.  You deserve this and so much more.  I  say that to you wholeheartedly.

 

[NarcKiddo]

I've just finished reading "Mother Hunger" by Kelly McDaniel. It has been an informative, if triggering and emotional read. Very valuable but to be treated with some care. I mention it, sanmagic7, because there is quite a bit in there about epigenetic trauma. Your experience of "knowing" speaks to that very much.