no returns

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
The changed format is also taking some time for me to try to get used to - I think it is discombobulating.  But hopefully over time we'll be able to negotiate it and get used to it.  I hope so.  I was grateful to you for mentioning how you felt about it, as it helped me to feel better about my own thoughts regarding it. 

Sending you a hug 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hey, armee, thanks a lot.  i tried that little black bell, i got a statement about alerts, which is vacant.  the other black symbol was about messages, so at least there's that.  just the appearance of this is still odd to me. i'm also trying a different font - i've never enjoyed courier.  let's see where that goes. 

thanks, moondance, altho i'm sorry you experience that depersonalization thing, too.  it's so disconcerting, so distressing. too many in the medical profession . . . ugh !loved that big hug!  

hi hope, discombobulating is a good word for it.  thanks for that validation. 

i got thru it w/ X yesterday.  i had a meltdown while i was writing (we're still just doing emails - feels too soon and too personal to talk, at least for me) and some of the trauma w/ my ex came out and i sent it.  i sent another email soon after telling him i was pretty broken, i'd understand if he didn't want to deal w/ me, the whole 9 yards.  when he finally replied, to told me not to worry, everyone has ghosts, say what i want, and then he told me a very personal thing.

he said he hadn't meant to tell me, but he sent it to me anyway.  i burst into tears, part relief, and part from the idea that he was accepting me just as i am. he's been kind to me, something as many of us know hasn't had a lot of room in our lives.  all in all, i feel calmer, slept well.  so far so good.


as far as medical stuff goes, i'm avoiding it all for now.  i need to call medicare to see if they cover any of this sleep study stuff, but that's not gonna happen this week.  still too weirded out by my experience on zoom.  it's like i don't want to touch anything that has to do w/ that, as if it's akin to putting my finger into an electrical socket.  terrible imagery to carry around about it, i know.  but, there it is. it's just there.

[Armee]

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, armee, for that hug.  it felt warm and caring.

well, i've hit a snag w/ X.  this feels like new territory for me, trying to build a relationship w/ boundaries and emotions, what to be accepting of, where to draw a line.  my D has had issues w/ him in the past, and i put it out there from the beginning he's not to contact her at all anymore.  he agreed.  in another email, not too long after, he asked about her and i told him she's ok not being part of what's going on between him and me.

since then there have been several more inquiries from him about her. one time i told him i had demons i wanted to get rid of, he asked if my D had the same demons. i didn't answer that at all.  once he asked how she was dealing w/ him and i communicating, and  i made a big mistake, told him she doesn't like it, but she tolerates it.  he then, in subsequent emails, made several references to her, at one point telling me to tell her to contact him if i was having problems w/ him that i couldn't see, and to tell her he wasn't planning to visit and we were only communicating via email.

i ended up boiling over and tore him a new one, talked about how disrespectful he was, asking what his 'thing' was w/ my D, told him he's got 2 D's of his own to worry about, they've all been thru a crisis (his wife died last month) and could be a support for each other, or to go get grief counseling, whatever, just to leave my D alone.  it was a revelation to me that it only took 2 weeks before i was able to feel angry about this.

i don't know if he's just dense or if i hadn't made myself clear.  his reply was that he had no idea about what i was talking about, he had no interest in my D, and he was just trying to make sure our little family unit was remaining intact, that he wasn't causing trouble.

i don't know if it's worth trying to explain to him what i meant - we had a similar problem the last time we were in touch w/ each other - i don't know if i'm in the wrong, i don't know if i should just leave this alone.  stressful.  every time he'd mention my D's name, i could feel a twinge inside, surrounding a pin of frustration.  i'm not sure what's acceptable in relationships anymore, how much to allow, when to stop them.  ugh!

[sanmagic7]

never mind.  it's done.  i wrote him, told him i couldn't do this, it was too stressful for me.  i'm glad i did it.  i felt like the proverbial cat on a hot tin roof nearly the entire time - 2 1/2 weeks.  but i accomplished my goad of getting him out of my D's life.  it took its toll, and he's in a bad way emotionally, but i've decided i can't be the distraction he needs.  besides, what he really needs is grief counseling, and i told him so, but i don't think that's something he'll explore.  so, out of my hands now.  he may write back, but i don't really care now.  he was a good distraction from trauma stress for a bit, but the stress of protecting my D and figuring out how to be in a relationship of any kind w/ him took too big a toll.  deep breath.   and i'm out.

[rainydiary]

San, I am grateful you listened to yourself and are stepping away from a relationship that isn't right.

[sanmagic7]

thanks for that, rainy.  it's just what i needed to hear.

[Bach]

san

[Not Alone]

San, I'm really glad that you listened to yourself about the relationship.

I'm also having a hard time adjusting to the new format. I think that I was the last one to get back on, so I am glad to be here.

[Armee]

I couldn't say it any better than Rainy. 

[sanmagic7]

bach, thanks for that big hug.  it felt just right.

thank you notalone.  i'm glad i listened, too. and i'm glad you made it back!

thanks for all the hugs, armee, and for the sentiment.

the stress is slowly sliming off my body, it feels like.  i didn't have a rush of 'whew! it's done!' and feel like a great weight lifted off me.  it was more of a knowing i wouldn't have to go thru more stress.  he was part of a fantasy world i'd wandered in for 60 yrs.  the circumstances surrounding him reaching out to me were too horrible to see if i could rekindle old feelings, and i was confused about how to feel, what to do or say, how to be with it all.    yep, just trying to stay one step away from catastrophe.

if nothing else, this gave me a clearer picture of how broken i am re: having relationships.  there were things that were bothering me, and i let them go cuz i didn't realize how they were bothering me, and then i blew up, which blew him out of the water.  i can't imagine having a relationship like that in real life.  the one w/ my D is all about gentle acceptance and we've worked hard over the years to get to this point.  i have a hard time picturing that w/ someone else.

at any rate, i don't know if he'll write back, but i just feel more 'solid', that's the word, and i don't doubt i'll stop feeling so tired throughout the day.  thanks for all your reassurance and validation.  it was really good to see.

[rainydiary]

San, today I journaled on the question what are my strengths in relationships and I found that question so difficult.  I am grateful you are feeling solid within yourself.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, rainy.  i'm learning. it certainly hasn't always been a solid feeling.  you'll get there.  actually, altho i'm glad i did what i did, i still have those nagging questions - should i have given it more time? can i trust myself that i did the right thing?  did i hurt another person w/ my decision? am i being too sensitive? there's still a lot going on inside me, but i'm willing myself not to go back, not to apologize, not to open this up again.  sometimes learning isn't a straight line, either.     

[Armee]

I think you did a fantastic job of listening to and following your gut on this one. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, armee.  it's a battle every day not to write him.  i just have to remember how stressful it was, how confusing at times, how much i just didn't understand, and how complicated it felt.  i guess those are enough reasons to not go back, right?  dang, i hate this uncertainty.