Miswired Circuits/Things That Spark

[NarcKiddo]

Nothing big, nothing serious, but sufficient to mess me up just enough to justify my lying on the couch watching TV all day and ignoring everything I'd planned to do to have a healthy functional week I could feel good about when My Person came home.  Heaven help me, I enjoyed it, at least up to a point.

It does not sound to me like you had external obligations you were shirking by lying on the couch all week. I wonder why you don't feel good about doing something you enjoyed and clearly needed. Maybe you would have enjoyed it even more if you had not made your plans for the healthy, functional week. I hope this does not come across preachy or critical because I well understand the desire to do xyz and the feeling that only illness will be a suitable excuse. My T is always on at me to be kinder to myself. And if she read your post, I think she would have asked you what is wrong with giving yourself a week of vegetating on the couch watching TV? There are always more productive things we could be doing, but actually they are not necessarily what we need in the moment. I also wonder whether, had you permitted yourself to make no plans, you might have felt refreshed after a couple of days of vegetating and ended up doing some of the healthy things anyway.

I think you spent your time doing what you actually needed to do during a period that you knew would be stressful because you were left on your own. I am proud of you for doing that. I think you did a good thing. I am sorry that part of you felt the need to make you act out a little to achieve it and I am sorry that you are now not feeling all that good about it. Looking after yourself is a good thing. You are important and you matter and you are worth it.

 

[Bach]

I'm having such a hard time right now.  I can't anything.

[Armee]

 

[Blueberry]

 

[NarcKiddo]

I hope things get a bit easier for you soon. 

[sanmagic7]

right beside you bach with love and a gentle hug

[Bach]

This journal, proof that I was falling to pieces even before the two big floods.  Really, I suppose I've spent my whole life falling to pieces, simultaneously scrambling to pick those pieces up and put them back together in an eternally frustrating and fruitless attempt to make myself whole.  I've gone through some better times when more pieces were in place, when either there were fewer pieces falling, or the pieces weren't falling so fast, or they weren't careening around as much, or I was able to pick them up and put them back more quickly and easily or...Okay, I've stretched this metaphor until it's screaming, you get the idea.  Now there are so many pieces and so little me that I don't know if I can ever come back. 

[Armee]

 

Breaking into little pieces is part of rebuilding. Feels scary as heck though. 

I'm sorry you are so shattered right now. 

[sanmagic7]

i agree w/ armee, bach. hang tough, ok? as long as you still have some pieces, you've got at least a bit of a foundation on which to build.  this stuff is crappy as all get out at times.  right with you, tho.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

This may sound glib, and I don't mean it to be, but kaleidoscopes are beautiful, you know. Even if you are in that many pieces. we still love and appreciate you.

 

[Blueberry]

 

[Papa Coco]

Bach,

The floods you've endured are huge events. HUGE events. I once had a leaky patio cover that ruined the carpet in one room of my house. That's it. It cost a couple thousand to get the walls dried and the carpets replaced in ONE room and I was a mess for months. What you've been through is a real trauma that would distress anyone, even a person without CPTSD. But you have a history of dealing with trauma, so the added stress of a serious problem: TWO flooded homes in one year, means that you have every right to feel like you're falling to pieces. I would think you were a narcissist if this didn't eat at you with this much upset. I probably wouldn't be handling it even as well as you are if my flood had been worse than it was.

Logically, we know, the flood damage will eventually be fixed and the whole ugly incident will become part of the past.

Meanwhile, I hope you can feel the love from your friends here on the forum and are able to take some loving care for yourself now, knowing that not many of us could go through what's happened in your home with this year's weather any easier than you are.

You are loved, my friend.

[Bach]

Thank you, friends, for being here, for reading and replying and offering your love and support. I'm trying not to wallow in my pain and angst but also trying not to negate it with apologies or false positivity. I'm a mess. I am frustrated and suppressed and afraid and angry, and the only thing I know how to do with those feelings is turn them inward, into shame and despair and  depression. Make excuses. Fawn. Grovel. Hate myself. Take blame for I don't even know what. For having feelings, maybe? For taking up space and breathing air? GOD I HATE THIS. I feel like breaking things.

[Armee]

Oh man. I kicked my garbage bin hard the other day. Sure wish I could stand there with you and throw plates madly until we laughed and cried. 

[NarcKiddo]

Add me to the breaking things party. My boxing coach is going to GET IT tomorrow morning.