Miswired Circuits/Things That Spark

[Papa Coco]

Bach,

That sounds like some good forward motion. It's good to hear therapy is giving some new ways of experiencing where you do have some power.

Sometimes I fall back on the Serenity Prayer when I need to put into perspective those things that I do (and do not) have control over. It's so easy to feel that lack of control that we were raised into by other people. So sometimes I just like to make little lists on scratch paper of what I might have some control over right now.

I hope you are doing well today. Self-regulation is the best thing we can be taught while we work to regain control over our reactions to this chaotic world.

One of the ways I can self-regulate is I need to close my eyes and think about the people who care about me enough to feel what I'm feeling. My therapist, and my friends here on the forum. I carry you all around with me in my consciousness, and when I feel like I'm going to explode, I hold onto the knowledge that you all care about me. I imagine you all sitting around a table with me, agreeing with how difficult the situation is, but that I'm not alone in it. My therapist is with me in spirit, and so are all of you. It really helps ground me and give me the strength to calm down and accept a little bit more, that I'm not alone in this lifeboat.

We're stronger together. Just knowing that helps.

[Bach]

PapaC, thank you for being there 

[Hope67]

my friends here on the forum. I carry you all around with me in my consciousness, and when I feel like I'm going to explode, I hold onto the knowledge that you all care about me. I imagine you all sitting around a table with me, agreeing with how difficult the situation is, but that I'm not alone in it. My therapist is with me in spirit, and so are all of you. It really helps ground me and give me the strength to calm down and accept a little bit more, that I'm not alone in this lifeboat.

We're stronger together. Just knowing that helps.

Bach,
What PapaC wrote here, I think it is incredibly special and I echo what he said.  I also tend to think of everyone here when I am summoning up the need for support - although in my imagination we are all in a lovely leafy garden together. 

Just wanted to also add that I am very glad that you and everyone is here. 

Hope 

[Bach]

Hope, I love the thought of us together in a lovely leafy garden.  I'll keep that comforting image with me.  if it's okay.

My brother and nephew are here from overseas visiting my mother, and I've been able to visit with them without seeing her (I set the heck out of that boundary), but I still can't escape her evil.  She doesn't like that my brother and I are close, so she's been trying to drive a wedge between us by lying to him about me, and by inappropriately trying to involve him in a bit of business that should be between me and her only.  In the scheme of how I have handled things like this in the past, I am handling this very well and not doing stupid things that would make it worse, but it's weighing very heavily on me.  That's a polite way of saying that I'm depressed to the point of being able to do hardly anything, and my intrusive thoughts are jumping back and forth between "I want to just (*^%^&%*^& die" and "Why can't she just (*&%^&%^*(& die?"  It hurts so much.

I've got a lot to say about this, especially about how fed up and outraged I am with her lying and being a horrible person and getting away with it by screwing with my mind, but I can't right now because         

[NarcKiddo]

That's tough. I am so sorry that your mother is able to work her mischief, but I am glad you have at least been able to see your brother and nephew without her. I hope your brother is able to see her machinations for what they are.

It is really, really hard work to handle this kind of thing and I congratulate you for being strong enough to keep your wits about you as you navigate the latest grimness.

 

[Armee]

 

I'm so sorry Bach. They play such mind games on us. I'm really proud of you though for seeing the depression and thoughts as direct reactions to her behaviors and not as something about you. Those reactions happen after any form of contact with them. Just remember in the coming days that there have been triggers and what those tend to do.   

[Bach]

NK, thank you     Fortunately, my brother doesn't fall for it.  He knows enough not to believe the crazy things she tells him about me, and I spoke with him today and made sure we are on the same page regarding his total non-involvement in the business matter.  So I feel good about that part of it, at least.

Armee, that is such a great reminder, exactly the one I need, especially because I know there's drama coming regarding said business matter.  Particularly distressing is that I don't know WHEN the drama is coming.  I'm debating whether there's anything I can do to take control of that situation, but man things are dumb and complicated and confusing when you're dealing with crazy old sociopath.  Anyway, thank you for that.  I might paste it to my clipboard. Thanks for the hugs, too   

[sanmagic7]

 

[Bach]

I recently saw this on Facebook:
https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/53378552663_3b76f0105f_b.jpg

If I ever need a living illustration of this, all I have to do is review my text message history with my mother.

[NarcKiddo]

Ain't that the truth!

[Bach]

Something I've noticed:  I always feel like people will think I'm insincere and that I'm pandering to them if I express gratitude or love.  I guess I must have had to really kiss my mothers #$% when she did anything nice for me.

[sanmagic7]

love and hugs, bach

[Hope67]

 

[Bach]

   to you, too, san and Hope.

Last week when My Person was travelling, I got sick, and in looking back I wonder whether it wasn't a sort of self-inflicted sickness.  I didn't consciously do anything to make myself sick, but I realise now that I wanted a nice long break from everything, from all obligations, real or imagined, to myself or to anyone else, and I can't do that without being sick.  So I did some weird little things to mess myself up.  Timed some activities wrong. Indulged both sides of my eating disorder a little bit.  Messed around a touch with pain meds.  Nothing big, nothing serious, but sufficient to mess me up just enough to justify my lying on the couch watching TV all day and ignoring everything I'd planned to do to have a healthy functional week I could feel good about when My Person came home.  Heaven help me, I enjoyed it, at least up to a point.  Probably not as much as it seems from the perspective of now working to get myself back into the rhythm of my "normal" life.  I've been holding it together well even though I'm not really okay.  I mean, I AM okay, or I'll BE okay, I'm not going to act out in any horribly self-destructive way like I might have when I was younger, but the thing is, I'm just so tired.  I'm tired of struggling through my life, negotiating all my broken mechanisms and miswired circuits.  All those sparking things.  I'm tired of feeling like I should be further along, like I should be able to actually LIVE my life and not just cope.  I want to feel some joy, dang it.  Or at least some contentment.  The relentless grind of self-improvement, well, there's nothing else, really, and no way to be excused from it, but shouldn't it all at least hurt a little less by now?

[Blueberry]

...but the thing is, I'm just so tired.  I'm tired of struggling through my life, negotiating all my broken mechanisms and miswired circuits.  All those sparking things.  I'm tired of feeling like I should be further along, like I should be able to actually LIVE my life and not just cope.  I want to feel some joy, dang it.  Or at least some contentment.  The relentless grind of self-improvement, well, there's nothing else, really, and no way to be excused from it, but shouldn't it all at least hurt a little less by now?

I really resonate with this part of your post!

Once I started my healing journey approx 25 years ago I don't recall ever having to do much to get sick so that I could have a rest. My body did that all on its own. If my body could have used words, I think it would have said "BB still doesn't get it! She doesn't understand that she needs a break to recuperate and she needs this break regularly, so I'm going to have to arrange it for her! Ear-ache, slight temperature, general weakness, tiredness should be enough to get her into bed for a few days. Oops, unfortunately not. Then it's going to have to be a full-blown cold and a bit of a higher temperature in addition to ear-ache etc. and then she'll be flat out in bed for 2 weeks." It's taken a long time but idk exactly when - in the past year or two - I have EFs where I feel incapable of doing normal stuff and I lie around a lot and do crosswords or read and just sleep or else watch cute animal youtube stuff and it's sort of OK. I can sort of allow myself to do this w/o too much haranguing of self. It's still not easy but I'm grateful that at least I've got to the point where I might feel a bit or much emotionally messed up (the EF) w/o needing to feel awful physically as well in order to allow myself a break.

I hope you get to a point where it's OK to rest and even OK to enjoy having a rest (of a few days or a week or... - not just a couple of hours!) w/o needing to self-inflict.