Miswired Circuits/Things That Spark

[rainydiary]

I am thinking of you Bach.

[NarcKiddo]

I hear you, Bach. I do.

[Moondance]

As do I Bach, as do I. 

It seems to either be totally shut down or in an EF which is loosing it for me.  One extreme to the other.

[Bach]

Thank you for being here, friends    I hope that soon there will be more to me than this awful...whatever it is. 

[natureluvr]

Sending you caring thoughts and prayers (if OK).   

[Moondance]

Bach, you are enough just as you are. 

I'll say it for all of us, we are enough just as we are. I hope that doesn't offend anyone.

 

[sanmagic7]

bach, i echo moondance - we are enough as we are.  you most certainly are.  i'm thinking of you, standing in your corner w/ you as you go thru this.  keep taking care of you as best you can, ok?  love and a big, embracing hug

[Bach]

To a great extent, I simply can't avoid buying into the notion that it is my job to manage problematic situations by adjusting my reactions and my behaviour in order to get along and make the other party comfortable, regardless of what the problem is or how much of it is actually my fault or whether the other party is being unreasonable. Thinking about this makes me fear that I will never be happy or comfortable or well.

[Armee]

 

I'm sorry. Feeling this way really sucks.

[Moondance]

I feel the exact same Bach.  I think that is what I meant when I posted in my journal today that I don't believe I can look after myself, my needs in any given situation with others.

I really get it and am so sorry that you were treated in such a horrific way to get you to this place, to believing, at the core, that it's your job to manage these situations regardless of your needs.  We have gone so long believing this and we were "taught" , our brains were taught to believe this. 

I really hope that somehow we can learn and believe differently.

  

[NarcKiddo]

I totally understand this, Bach. I am a constant people-pleaser. The situation does not even have to be problematic. If they want to do something I will just go along with it to the best of my ability and try to enjoy it. Or at least appear to enjoy it. And then if it ends for some reason I often find myself quite shocked at how much I don't miss it and am glad it ended. I was reading a book that touched on this issue and it suggested making time to do things I like to do. The problem is, I don't really know what I like to do! All I want is for everyone around me to be happy or comfortable, and then I at least feel safe. Except I don't really feel safe, because that situation could change in an instant and them I am on the pacifying carousel again.

Do you know what makes you happy, Bach? Do you know what you enjoy? If not, like me, then I guess that is something you could try experimenting with. I've been trying out new activities. Simple things like adult colouring books have proved a great success.

Moondance said "I don't believe I can look after myself, my needs..." and that resonates. But if we don't even know what our needs are, because they are buried so deep, then how on earth can we go about looking after them?

 

[rainydiary]

Bach, I appreciate you articulating this - it resonates with me.

[sanmagic7]

bach, i agree w/ those who said we were taught to do this 'fixing' thing, to make sure everyone else was satisfied/content, to take care of or manage situations.  if we're taught this from little on, our neural networks were formed to fire in this way.  as someone once said to me, it's easier to form a neural pathway than to re-form it.

a lot of us are fighting this very same thing, including me - you're not alone in this.  it's a tough one to battle and overcome.  hang in there, bach - i'm hangin' right beside you.  love and hugs

[Bach]

Lately I have been discovering so many difficult things about my brain wiring in conducting my relationships.  They all cluster around what I wrote about above, and also around the sense I have that I identified several years ago and still cannot figure out how to change that I have no real self.  The sense that I only exist in relation to others, that I have no mechanism for self-motivation, and that my life is spent more-or-less passing time waiting afor someone to want me or need me.  I think this is a big part of the reason that I can no longer write well, nor pursue any of the creative activities I long to do but find myself persistently blocked from. 

[NarcKiddo]

But you do write well, Bach. You paint a very clear and vivid picture of what you are experiencing in just a few words. I understand that it is probably not what you want to write, and it must be very frustrating for you to feel you don't have that creative outlet at the moment. I hope you can find some ways of scratching that creative itch that feel helpful. Sometimes one just has to set aside some time to do it, even if you don't feel like it. Motivation is unreliable and not having it is not unusual.