Papa Coco's Recovery Journal

[sanmagic7]

dear PC, i've heard of others who chose to stay in a neg. place, because it was more comfortable.  one of them chose depression.  he was very good at being depressed and had his own reason for staying that way.  for what seemed like quite a while when i was in mexico, i was sick almost all the time, had my husband running errands that the 'wife' usually did - like shopping, or simply focusing his entire life on me, including taking time off work to go to the doc w/ me. he hired someone to come clean our house.  i sat like a queen, just feeling crappy.  the upside was that there were no expectations put on me. and that felt wonderful!

i was the oldest in my family, and i was expected to be perfect, so that's what i spent most of my life doing was trying to live up to those expectations.  failing all the time, of course, altho i could only deny that cuz it just wasn't allowed.  i did it all during my first 2 marriages, took care of everything including going back to college for myself.  i was pretty good at it, too.

came the time, tho, when i broke under the pressure of being expected to always be there all the time for everyone and their needs/wants, running myself ragged.  i had to escape or i'd either die or go insane, which to me is a form of death.  so i ran away to mexico to save my life.  connected w/ a man from that town who i'd known for 3 yrs., eventually got married, and i was broken, couldn't get out of bed, the whole nine yards.  but, dang, i was being waited on, checked on, chores done for me, and no expectations from anyone.  it got very comfortable being sick and helpless.

until one day it hit me that this was not what my H had signed up for.  in the very beginning of our relationship, we had a very good time together - he went out and worked, i cooked and did the dishes, changed the sheets, swept the floor.  we bought a trailer and i cleaned it myself, bleach water and wood oil, but getting everything together for the wedding itself did me in and i was bed-bound for 6 weeks.

so, when that realization hit me, and i began thinking of what it would mean if i were well, the thought struck me about all the expectations that would again be laid on top of me.  how was i able to not fall into that trap once again?  and then it hit me - i can say 'no'.  it was all about boundaries, willingness, ability, likes and dislikes, breaking that pattern of doing everything for everybody, living up to their expectations.  i got a lot of crapola from people when i didn't live up to what they wanted from me, and those were friends and family who wanted the free ride i provided for them.

so, when i realized i could say 'no', and that was not only ok, but was my right, i began to get better.  infections faded away, no more fevers, lethargy, fatigue, misery on a regular basis.  i could breathe again, be more myself.  it didn't happen all in one day, but eventually i was not chronically ill and housebound anymore.  not dancing in the streets by any means, but more of a partner for my hub, and i felt good about that. 

it didn't last forever (i developed cancer which went undiagnosed for nearly 20 yrs., and it finally was killing me), but the notion of saying 'no' to people was life-saving.  it took longer w/ some than with others, but i'm rid of them now.  so, that was one facet of healing for me - getting myself out of a place i really didn't want to be in but was comfortable to stay there.

so, i totally understand what you're saying, PC.  it's so difficult being stuck in a neg. place, but feels even more difficult to get out of it.  you have my support for your decisions - i know they make sense to you.  and i'm here with you if you ever feel like making a move, even a small one.  i'm also here with you if you decide against making the move.  you're valuable either way, and i'm glad to be connected to you.  love and hugs

[dollyvee]

The discussion about whether the scapegoat is weak or strong is interesting. I'm not even sure if a FOO would view it in those terms, were they to analyse it. After all, most of the time it is in their interests for the scapegoat to continue to be the scapegoat.

This is interesting NK and I do think in my family there were very much ideas around weak and strong --what is to be done and not done. I think scapegoats have to absorb the family story where to not be identified as weak, they have to be "strong," which is perhaps the very denial of those empathetic characteristics that their family saw in them and wanted to reconstrue because they couldn't handle the truth or the tension of what was happening in the family system. I'm also hesitant to identify with those empathetic characteristics I think because I was caught in a double bind --those characteristics made me strong, and I was supposed to be the saviour of the family, using my strength to help them, which is the part of the "story" that I feel like I have to be careful with. Scapegoats are very willing, according to Scapegoating in Families, to fulfil their role as saviour to keep the family together, and subconsciously take on that "bad" behaviour.

Any dynamic goes into imbalanced chaos when one of its balancing components either changes or falls away. It's always been so easy for me to think of the family as villains versus victims, but what if it's more of a partnership of imbalanced behaviors driven by a family of imbalanced emotions? What if they need me to heal from their "abuse" as much as I need me to heal from it? What if it's more like if I heal, they heal too?

I wrote about this in my journal, but the Scapegoating in Families book goes into more detail about how the family functions as a system and scapegoating is used to provide an outlet for tensions in the family, which is meant to help the survival of the family. So, the child takes it all on as the saviour (but also the burden bearer) where they are IMO acutely aware of their own annihilation for not doing these things. I would be curious about healing yourself to heal others as it perhaps it is more of the same and that by doing this you are then "saving" your family and still trying to fulfil the scapegoat role?

When I combine that sentiment with Chart's, Dolly's and NarcKiddo's thoughts on how the whole family falls into the trap of putting their blame onto someone willing to hold it for them, I see how the less willing I am to take their blame, the more chances we all have at learning how to be accountable for our own dysfunctional feelings.

To me, this is a great way to look at it PC. I know for a long time I felt like I had to prove that I was "right" and my family was "wrong," but it left a big gap for my understanding and ego where I knew that I couldn't be "right" all of the time, and I did/do make mistakes along the way. I was perhaps acting out the dysfunctional ways too that I was shown growing up, but I learned that I have to take responsibility for the things I do along the way too. I want to keep my side of the fence clean; it's much better that way. Not to prove other people wrong, but because it is much less emotionally messy, and I have spent a lifetime carrying other peoples' emotions thinking I had to sort it out for them, to save them.
 

This feels so much more real to me. So any time I allow someone to put their own shame onto me, Both of us, me and them, stop learning how each of us can be accountable for our own emotions and fears and shame and peace and love, etc

I think this sounds like a great boundary to have with someone where maybe you are more free to allow your self space to come out, and be the authentic you. I would also say that in my experience (and from the Fawning book) that it's not always a comfortable experience. Being more authentic is going to make some people uncomfortable.
 

I fear depression far more than I fear anxiety. I've been a Nervous Ned since the day I was born. Anxiety has saved me many times by keeping my guard up. Hypervigilance keeps me aware of danger. Any time I relaxed around my Catholic family or friends, I was vulnerable to their exploitations. So I'm terrified of being relaxed.

Perhaps this is the old scapegoat story though? Or a part of you is still living with that story of who you are?


PC, I also feel a lot to be able to engage in a discussion like this and explore what is going on for each of us. To me, this is relational healing, getting to explore what I never had a context for and a chance to explore growing up.
 

[Chart]