Papa Coco's Recovery Journal

[sanmagic7]

dear PC, i've heard of others who chose to stay in a neg. place, because it was more comfortable.  one of them chose depression.  he was very good at being depressed and had his own reason for staying that way.  for what seemed like quite a while when i was in mexico, i was sick almost all the time, had my husband running errands that the 'wife' usually did - like shopping, or simply focusing his entire life on me, including taking time off work to go to the doc w/ me. he hired someone to come clean our house.  i sat like a queen, just feeling crappy.  the upside was that there were no expectations put on me. and that felt wonderful!

i was the oldest in my family, and i was expected to be perfect, so that's what i spent most of my life doing was trying to live up to those expectations.  failing all the time, of course, altho i could only deny that cuz it just wasn't allowed.  i did it all during my first 2 marriages, took care of everything including going back to college for myself.  i was pretty good at it, too.

came the time, tho, when i broke under the pressure of being expected to always be there all the time for everyone and their needs/wants, running myself ragged.  i had to escape or i'd either die or go insane, which to me is a form of death.  so i ran away to mexico to save my life.  connected w/ a man from that town who i'd known for 3 yrs., eventually got married, and i was broken, couldn't get out of bed, the whole nine yards.  but, dang, i was being waited on, checked on, chores done for me, and no expectations from anyone.  it got very comfortable being sick and helpless.

until one day it hit me that this was not what my H had signed up for.  in the very beginning of our relationship, we had a very good time together - he went out and worked, i cooked and did the dishes, changed the sheets, swept the floor.  we bought a trailer and i cleaned it myself, bleach water and wood oil, but getting everything together for the wedding itself did me in and i was bed-bound for 6 weeks.

so, when that realization hit me, and i began thinking of what it would mean if i were well, the thought struck me about all the expectations that would again be laid on top of me.  how was i able to not fall into that trap once again?  and then it hit me - i can say 'no'.  it was all about boundaries, willingness, ability, likes and dislikes, breaking that pattern of doing everything for everybody, living up to their expectations.  i got a lot of crapola from people when i didn't live up to what they wanted from me, and those were friends and family who wanted the free ride i provided for them.

so, when i realized i could say 'no', and that was not only ok, but was my right, i began to get better.  infections faded away, no more fevers, lethargy, fatigue, misery on a regular basis.  i could breathe again, be more myself.  it didn't happen all in one day, but eventually i was not chronically ill and housebound anymore.  not dancing in the streets by any means, but more of a partner for my hub, and i felt good about that. 

it didn't last forever (i developed cancer which went undiagnosed for nearly 20 yrs., and it finally was killing me), but the notion of saying 'no' to people was life-saving.  it took longer w/ some than with others, but i'm rid of them now.  so, that was one facet of healing for me - getting myself out of a place i really didn't want to be in but was comfortable to stay there.

so, i totally understand what you're saying, PC.  it's so difficult being stuck in a neg. place, but feels even more difficult to get out of it.  you have my support for your decisions - i know they make sense to you.  and i'm here with you if you ever feel like making a move, even a small one.  i'm also here with you if you decide against making the move.  you're valuable either way, and i'm glad to be connected to you.  love and hugs