Papa Coco's Recovery Journal

[Papa Coco]

Journal Entry for Monday, December 26, 2022

Temporary setback. the Washington Coast is under heavy winds right now. My beach house alarm system sends me text alerts when power is out, and I've been getting those during the night. Today is a bad day to drive through the woods to the coast. Downed trees and mudslides are common on that route, so I'm holding off my plans to move down there today. Maybe tomorrow. Wednesday at the absolute latest.

I'm still struggling with mental exhaustion over how to deal with everything from exploding cars in my wife's workplace, to bad neighbors, to incessant barking, to constant short power outages in both houses, etc, etc, etc,...None of these are a single disaster, but the buildup of unfortunate events is making a big pile of medium level problems that are just adding to my annual emotional insanity of the Holidays.

In years past, I've come to notice that my emotional distress starts shortly after Halloween, and increases in "crazy" and an inability to know whether I should be happy or scared, all the way up to New Years Eve. In past years, I wake up on New Year's day...completely healed.  It's freaky. It's as if the new year is bright, and happy, and comfortable...I have NO IDEA why this happens. What is it about the new year that suddenly snaps my brain back into a temporary state of self-confidence, inner joy, and a sense that I can handle the little rocks life keeps throwing at me? 

I am hoping, that one week from today, On January 2, I'm a whole new person...for a month or two. From Thanksgiving to Christmas I'm in an anxiety-ridden panic, feeling like a victim (It's when the sexual abuse happened when I was 7), and when January finally comes, I'm Mr. Well adjusted, helpful, volunteering, happy Mr. Coco. But then, in late February, I tend to go into a dark depression. No anxiety, but instead; Depression. Sadness. Suicidality. It's when I keep the suicide hotline closest to my heart in case I go too far. I find myself having dreams my sister is still alive, and I find myself falling into sobbing fits over the losses of her, and all my old friends from years past. I sleep a lot. That usually lasts through March and then, I gradually become mentally healthy again until Just before school years start in September where I go through a minor, melancholy state of wishing I was someone else, somewher else, regretting not having been able to enjoy, or learn at, school.

It took me many years to figure this puzzling routine out. But after working with it, and recording my moods year over year, I know:

---Nov/Dec: Anxiety and vicitimhood: close to memories of sexual abuse. Fear.

---January/February: Happy and productive. On top of the world.

---March: Sad, suicidal, depressed. It was this period of time when, at 10 years of age, my entire Christian community mislabeled me as gay and turned into an evil mob of hateful monsters, ostracizing me from "god's love" telling me that everyone on earth, even God itself, hated me. They convinced me they would be happier if I was dead. God's unconditional love was not unconditional enough for scum like me. I knew that if they could get away with it, they'd kill me and throw my body in the weeds, and no one would ever bother to come looking for it.

---April-July: Happy and fun loving. Summer vacation. No school. No one telling me they hated me, and for at least a couple of months, I could live free of the condemnation of the loving church world that hated me.

---August/Sept: melancholy, hate my life, wish I was someone else, somewhere else, feeling the need to mourn childhood all over again. Coincidentally it's the month, during my younger adult life, when I used to always move to a new residence, buy another new car, and change myself as much as I could...obviously trying to stop being who I was, and trying to become someone else.

---then Oct: can be a lot of fun, as I LOVE the autumn weather and colors and smells.

---then the entire schedule starts all over again.

Knowing this is not the same as being free of it, but knowing my cycles helps me not feel so hopeless while I'm in the throes of the varying moods.

So....MAYBE in 6 days, I'll be a whole new person. Ready to take on the world, and just be like everyone else, ignoring the car bombs, the weaponization of christianity in America, the barking dogs and arrogant neighbors, the storms and power outages....Maybe there's a good month to two months coming where I can relax.

Let's hope.

[woodsgnome]

Maybe this reaction will seem trite, pollyannish, unrealistic, or what have you. ... but whatever good vibes you set aside for a future time, when things will magically pop in place, can be accessed right now.

This might not seem possible in the present crises, and in the external sense, may not be. But when you go inside your heart-sense, all of the positives are there, even if hidden for long or short periods of time.

Viewing the new as new, for real, may seem awkward at best and foolish besides, yet it can help us reach heights we never imagined, where the view is suddenly pristine, where the past is dissolved of its troubles, and we can feel confident in our ability to move on.

A while ago, you never thought you'd find this site/forum, and perhaps considered it as a dim ray of hope, and not like a functioning lighthouse. Having read your story, it seems that's changed. And if it has, what's ahead needn't repeat the past.

I know, it sounds as if maybe I don't get it (per one ancient liturgy, we are in the Feast of Fools). As recently as a couple days back, I was also deep in a rough spot. It never evens out, but the nice thing is when you realize you're further ahead than you once thought possible. A glance in the rear-view mirror shows all the rough spots, but they're receding further each moment.

Okay -- lotta words, but here's a more basic way I can share my feelings -- 

[dollyvee]

Hi PC,

Sending you a hug if that's ok 

I just read something by a guy who lectures on dreaming and he said that when plans are disrupted, it's time to look out for the trickster. He kind of comes along and can cause a mess with things that we think are going a certain way. Maybe the trickster is also there to help us turn our ways of thinking on themselves and for us to see that sometimes things are not as we see them. I think you do have every resource in you to deal with those people as you mentioned in your previous post.

I could talk on what's happening globally for a long time hahaha. Social media is really not good in my eyes and seeing the photos of Elon Musk with Jared Kushner and the Russian propagandist at the World Cup makes my skin crawl but that's another matter! If you're interested, there's another good documentary called The People You May Know which talks about churches in the US mining facebook data for vulnerable people, getting them into religious groups to sway their voting principles. It's up there with Cambridge Analytica documentary called The Great Hack where  they talk about the practices as weapons grade information warfare (Cambridge Analytica was previous a military defence company).

I am really sorry that both you and your wife are having to go through that and it is very sad that a lot of people are willing to let thing like that happen so that they can make money out of it. It shouldn't be how the world is run. Not that I'm a vigilante, just an advocate for the truth.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Papa Coco]

Woodsgnome, Thanks for the encouragement. I agree with your sentiment, that I know January is coming, and I know the chronic fear and fatigue and sense of being attacked on all fronts will likely just POOF, disappear on Jan 1st, like it usually does, so in that lifelong war between my intelligence and my emotions, intelligence has a leg to stand on now, and is able to help my emotions ride this out. I know I have a pretty good life right now, and I just have to love my frightened parts until the calendar does its usual calming magic on the first.

Dolly, thank you also for the encouragement to see the world for what it is. I agree with you about social media. I have long believed it is the most dangerous invention of all time. Fun to share pictures of the grandkids, and...for some reason...meals, but other than that it's too much of a doorway into our private lives, and, like with every invention in all of history, it became weaponized immediately.

Ultimately, even in my own sober intelligence, I can see the truth that this world is in bigger trouble than we even realize. Today we've since learned that social media is the most insidious WMD ever invented. Like a vampire, we welcome it into our homes, and then it destroys us, one angry post at a time.

I never watch the news. But because I'm still trying to find out who/why that guy bombed my wife's grocery store, I've started watching a bit of it. Sadly, the media has already lost all interest in the story of the car bomb, so I'm watching the news in vain, and not even getting what I want. Instead, I found out that on Christmas day, organized groups targeted 4 power plants in Washington state. Somehow, they'd learned (probably through social media) how to disable the power.

I will think about watching that documentary you suggested, but I have a bad trigger when I see religious people gaining power over smarter people. No one rescued me from the clutches of religious abuse, so when I see that abuse gaining momentum again, unchecked and unrestrained, I go into some pretty serious anxiety.

I like that you tell me that this is happening. The trigger is not really there when I don't have to watch the anger and hatred of religion with my own eyes. Knowing THAT it's happening is helpful for me. Watching it has to be done in some very small doses.

LOVE REALLY CAN WIN OVER HATE, but in small doses right now.

The Discovery Channel's Documentary series called "Why we Hate" is an amazing look into why we do this to each other. It also follows the actions of some very good souls who have found a way to fight against the hatred with love and acceptance. They have proven that love and acceptance can often turn weaponized religious people and politicians around. I personally believe it's a must watch for all humans on the entire planet. But for me, watching the episodes on weaponized religion was pretty tough. I did watch it. I'm glad I did, but wow...I was shivering and shaking through the whole episode.

We, the people who really do want love and peace, are good to stand together. It's a war we may lose, but finding little spaces for our own peace, within the deluge of religious hatred, is, at least, some places of peace outside of the storm that we can't stop. Safe harbors in violent seas.

If I can achieve just one more success before I die, it will be that I am finally able to find peace while the world around me burns. That last scene in Schindler's List had me bawling when Schindler was saying something like, "If I'd just sold the car, I could have saved one more person."  That's true heroism. That's a man worthy of respect.

I held to my 2022 New Year's resolution, which was to learn how to pray successfully without having to sell my soul to a religion and a fake sociopath in the sky. I followed that rule all year long. So, if I'm able to do that again in 2023, maybe a good resolution that I might actually follow will be to follow the peacemakers and ignore the haters. Maybe if I can spend my time reading about people like Schindler and Ghandi and Mother Teresa, maybe I can saturate my brain with a connection to selfless love and stop this self-torture of watching the haters burn down our grocery stores and power plants in the name of their great sociopath in the sky. Both factions exist. I do have some latitude as to which one I give my attention to. Which one should I be learning from? The haters or the lovers?

2023 could be what I call "the year of love." Love is patience, kindness, forgiveness. It doesn't hold grudges or push its opinions onto others. It doesn't seek revenge or burn down grocery stores and power plants. I need to put these attributes on my walls and email footers and bathroom mirrors. Reminding myself all the time that love doesn't have to be driven by fear.

[CrackedIce]

I love the conclusion of your post! I've read a good way to short circuit negative thinking is to journal about the good things that happen each day, no matter how small, and this feels along the same vein.  I'm trying a similar thing with positive affirmations on my bathroom mirror. Let's give our energy to the positive things in life!

[Papa Coco]

CrackedIce,

I'm with you! I'm going to do it! I agree that what we choose to focus on is what becomes the most real to us. Beginning today, I'm going to start finding sources of how to find love in and amongst the barrage of attacks and violence that keep coming at us from media and our friends. I want to find my inner Schindler and start making motion to fix what bugs me. Mother Teresa said "Love not put into action is only a word." I need to find my way into providing a loving contribution to problems too big to handle.  I'm not going to be silly about it, I'm going to contribute actual loving energy to real fear-based problems. I listen to music while I sleep (because of the dogs) so maybe I can go out and find, or record my own, positive affirmations to run through my brain while I sleep.

I can still acknowledge pain, trauma, loneliness, but I can try to frame it with less of a doomsday theme and more of a "this is our challenge to overcome" theme. No empty phrases that shame us when we're down, like "if life hands you lemons" bullship. There are ways to be fully engaged and empathetic with ours and our friends' pain, and still look for a positive lifeline to hang onto and pull ourselves up and out.

I'm up for this challenge!  Come on 2023!

[dollyvee]

Hi PC,

I like your strategy for 2023 very much!  This is our challenge to overcome. It's interesting hearing people talk about generational trauma and being cycle breakers, and that at a certain point in time, someone stands up and says there has to be a better way to do this. I often thought love was the answer, but also learned that the love I was giving was a learned love that led me to keep getting hurt. However, it doesn't mean that love doesn't exist or is all bad. I watched another documentary called Unveiled about abuse in the Light of the World Church and it struck me how they were all banished for speaking up about what was going on, which is something you can relate to. It also reminded me of something I heard that toxic people are uncomfortable around healthy people. It doesn't mean they are wrong, just that it makes people uncomfortable.

I've been learning about Dzogchen over the past few years and there was a bit in the Tibetan Yogas of Dream and Sleep that stuck out for me where we are to treat everything as a dream. All consciousness comes from the same place and returns to the same place and there is no difference between dreaming and waking. So, he says that when something comes up that scares you, to remember that it is a dream. All consciousness just is and it's the power we ascribe to it that determines how it affects us. Great in theory but harder to put into practice for people wired differently from a trauma background! There was also a good talk that he gave, and I think I wrote the quote in my journal somewhere, but basically fear is the state of being without knowing love. Because of all the things that happened to a person, they can forget that there is love behind it.

edit: I didn't actually post the quote just the lecture the first time but the quote is "Fear is experiencing the emptiness of self without the awareness, warmth, sense of perfection, completeness (love essentially). This is the lecture and thank you for your post as it prompted me to dig it out and I think was something that was good to listen to again. It would be great to do a trauma informed reading as his examples I think are for the "average" person, but once you shift them still apply. Though perhaps somewhat difficult concepts for younger developmental minds.

Moving Beyond Fear: The Ultimate Protection Is Within You
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jn0g05e8QIs

Sending you support 
dolly

[Kizzie]

Folks, I am an atheist for many of the reasons discussed in this thread but we need to please stay away from calling out/using derogatory language about any religion in particular.  It is can be quite incendiary and we don't want to pit one religion against another nor atheists against those of faith.  As always, please choose your words carefully. 

Thanks all!   

[Armee]

Papa Coco: 

It is ok. You are protected, loved, welcome, not bad. Hang in there this week. The weather up your way is intense. I hope you get some relief at the coast soon and there's no harm in moving and then later changing your mind. It's all open to you and you are in charge of your life and where you want to be. 

[Papa Coco]

Daily Journal, Saturday, December 31, 2022

My New Year's Resolution: 2023 is the Year of the Light at the End of the Tunnel.

I have developed a four-part plan to help me accomplish this.

1)   I purchased a SAD light for over my computer desk. According to the Mayo Clinic, the best way to use a SAD light is to position it just overhead, in front of me, and sit under it for no less than a half hour at roughly the same time every morning. By doing this, it's supposed to trick the brain into believing I'm in a bright sunrise. This is supposed to reset the melatonin in the sleep cycle. Same bedtime each night, same sunrise each morning. This is supposed to help my brain know when to shift from awake to sleep and back to awake again. It's supposed to bring me to a happier place each day.

2)   I've created an avatar for my profile, which represents me walking toward the light at the end of the tunnel. Walking with my back toward the darkness, my eyes pointed toward a brighter tomorrow.

3)   I will engage in a year-long, research project around the unsung heroes of our current world. Average people who've turned their lives around and are now selflessly contributing to the great problems of the world by helping people, one at a time. My greatest inspiration of the moment is Schindler, from the movie, Schindler's List. When at the end of the movie, he was wishing he'd sold the car because if he had, he could have saved one more person. That's the kind of heroism I admire...not football heroes, or Marvel superhero movie characters, but normal, unassuming people who give from what they have because they are compelled to.  I can't connect with fast-talking millionaires on TED talks telling me why I need to be like them. I can only connect with real-time, common people who are like me. So I don't study the famous people, only the common people that have a heart for giving. Experts on the science of Happiness say that happy people feel equal to their peers, are thankful for what good they have, and they contribute to society in some meaningful way. So I'm studying people who are in my peer group...normal people...whose heroism will never make them famous or rich. I hope to saturate my brain with stories of normies like me who've turned their lives around through giving. Maybe I can become more like them.

4)    This one will be the most difficult: I commit to continue to post as I have been, but that the end of each post is pointing toward a positive light. For this I need to be careful, because when I think about people who are "positive thinkers", I tend to assume they ignore the negative and can't connect or empathize with others, and therefore are not helpful to others. To be blunt; They're annoying. Disconnected from reality. They're runaway trains just focusing on their own forced happiness. They wear blinders so they can't see the negative. When I display any pain or sadness, they invalidate me and tell me to "just be happy" like them. They live in fantasy. I wish to be real and true and empathetic, never invalidating mine nor anyone else's sadness. As aware as ever of the negativity in the world. All I want to do is become better at seeing the positive with the same emphasis as I do the negative. My current negative bias is too strong. I need to balance it out with some positive bias also. A few weeks ago, I admitted on this forum that I believe most people are bad. I believe that because it's what I was taught to believe. I need to teach myself now, how to find the good in people and to begin living my life conscious of that goodness. So, without being insulting to anyone, I need to work very hard at making sure that no matter how bad I or someone is feeling, that I can at least find some good in everything, everyone, everywhere. This will be a challenging balance to achieve.

My neuropathways were created by narcissistic parents, siblings, friends and church. But I'm in charge now. I know these pathways are difficult to change, and if they are changed, they are changed slowly. But as with any journey from one place to another, each forward step is a step forward.


I started this morning off by reading a short article I found online called "The Storybook Barber" about a barber who gave free back-to-school haircuts to kids who couldn't afford haircuts at all. He enjoyed his time so much that he now gives free haircuts to these underprivileged kids every Tuesday in his shop. He makes the children pay for their haircut by reading him a story out of a book while he's cutting their hair.

[Hope67]

Hi Papa Coco,
I like your new avatar, and what it represents.  I also read your New Year Resolutions and they are really good ones, and I hope that you enjoy doing them and that you succeed with them all.

Wishing you the best for 2023, and sending you a hug too 
Hope 

[dollyvee]

Hi PC,

I admire your ability to always take new steps forward to deal with your trauma and the authenticity you want to respond with.

I'm a big fan of Hope Dies Last by Studs Terkel. It's an oral history of peoples' experiences through different social action movements in the US and is about keeping faith in troubled times. I found a lot of those people very heroic.

I'm not a big fan of forced happiness either and find that sometimes people in "wanting to help" are only pushing their idea of what they think something should be/look/feel like because that's what's comfortable to them, or is some sort of idea about how they think the world should look. I've been guilty of this myself and realized over time that there was actually a "motive" behind my giving because in fixing other peoples' problems, being "nice" etc it makes me feel more comfortable/how I want to feel. Dr. Ramani had a great quote in one of her videos that said love is the opposite of narcissism.

Here's to 2023   

Sending you support,
dolly

[Papa Coco]

Happy New Years everyone.

Dolly, thanks for yet another book reference. I just downloaded the kindle version of Hope Dies Last.

Interesting title. I know that hope, by itself, is self-torture. Hope, alone, makes us sit and wait for some outside source to improve things--which it never does. Hope waits for winning lottery tickets that never pay off. Hope makes us wait for apologies from the narcissists who we once loved. I say Hope, by itself, is just a wish.

But hope can be used to fuel action. If I hope I can make a difference, and then go out into the world to make a difference, hope guides my actions. It sets the goal and drives my feet forward.

What I'm dealing with today, is probably a colossal loss of all hope. I live in this chronic sense that the world is about to end. I've been feeling this way more and more since my sister's death in 2009. My sense of emptiness has been getting worse every year since.

I have been out in the garage for the past two days working slowly to get it organized. Today, I can't do it. I go out to the garage, and I think about all the effort it will take to organize a few more shelves, but my heart goes hollow. The energy of my body drains into the floor. I ask myself why it matters. The world is ending soon. Why organize what's about to be destroyed? I think I've literally lost all hope in there being a tomorrow that can interest me.

I know my way around psychology, and I know this is a symptom of clinical depression. My sense that the world is about to end has nothing to do with the world ending, it has everything to do with my own depression. Living in depression is living as if life is over and there's no point in cleaning or mowing or organizing.

It's 2023 and I've made a commitment to end all my posts on a positive direction. So here's how I am going to try to end today's post on a positive direction: Here's how I will position myself to be looking toward the bright future, while not ignoring my chronic clinical depression:

I believe I need to get out. I need to stop hiding in my house. I need to do some one day road trips. I need to see some cities near me that I've never seen before. I need to feel like there's more to this world that what's inside my house. I need to find my hope again, and start to believe again that there's something to live for. For me, the only thing worth living for is connection with other souls. So, I'm taking today's hollow chest, hollow body, empty, depressed spirit, and I'm telling myself that my body and soul will fill up with life again once I get out of my house and start visiting others again.

Tomorrow's another day.  I have friends here at the beach. I can call one of them.  Meanwhile Coco just told me she's coming down on Tuesday and can stay until Friday morning. So now I know that I won't be alone for most of this week. In fact, I can spend tomorrow sprucing up the house to welcome her with a clean kitchen and vacuumed floors.

I'm going to take another run at building some hope to guide me forward in life.

[CrackedIce]

Happy New Years Papa Coco!

I've definitely been where you're at before.  Even earlier in December I had a bleak week or two where it felt pointless to meet up with friends, focus on work, try to complete some hobby projects - that depressed state as you mentioned.  Seems to come and go, sometimes weeks apart, sometimes months.

I find that the presence of those who care about you can help (assuming they're also in a good space), even if it's just to distract you long enough to get out of the spiral / flashback.  Hopefully you can find some comfort with friends and your W's visit in the near future.  I also love your one day road trip idea - I'd love to visit some small towns nearby and even just pop into the local coffee shop for a cup.

[Papa Coco]

Dolly, I agree that Love is the opposite of narcissism. In my own brain I see love as a synonym for connection. And narcissism a synonym for disconnection. I believe love is the only goal that matters on the earth. I believe the word "sin" just describes any action that stops connection and causes disconnection.

Well, it's 2023 now. Time to go into another new year with hopes that things will improve on the earth. Hope is a word I have a love/hate relationship with. It's time I reevaluate its meaning. Up until recently, I've seen hope as something fragile. Having hope gives something to live for. Losing hope is losing all purpose for living at all. I lived my life as a workaholic fawn, hoping things would get better with age, and I'd finally, one day, find my utopian life of peace and rest. Now that I'm in the last phase of life; retirement; Many of my hopes never came to be. In fact, my knees hurt so badly now that I can't do many of the activities, I've enjoyed my entire life. So, I'm letting my knees take away my zest for life. As a retired man, I now have found myself with a longer list of dashed hopes than realized ones. So, since 2009, I've believed hope is the great evil that poets write about. (Example: "Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man"--Friedrich Nietzsche). But as of yesterday, I've begun to think that perhaps hope has a purpose. But to realize that purpose, hope has to be accompanied by action. Otherwise, it's just another word for a wish. I'm going to find a new hope to try and motivate me out of my clinical, long-term depression. Hope can be a great evil if it's not used properly. But I'm starting to see that it can be of great good if used to fuel action...and a sense of purpose.

CrackedIce, Yeah, these dark weeks are no picnic. I'm sorry you have to endure them periodically also. Yesterday, my commitment to ending my post (about depression) on a positive note, which was a plan to get out of the house, I actually took my own advice a bit early. The positive ending to my post motivated me to stop whining about being a shut-in, get on the bicycle and pedal down to the beach. I've been here at the house since Wednesday and hadn't made the 5-minute bike ride to the beach yet. So, with 45 minutes of daylight left, I took that first ride. It was freezing. I don't tend to dress warmly because I run hot. So, I wear shorts year-round. Yesterday, at 40 degrees F, I should have been dressed a bit warmer. But on the other hand, being down on the water in freezing wind, while wearing shorts and light coat, being so cold actually kind of helped me feel alive again. It was a short trip, only about 20 minutes total, but it got me out. I even said hi to a few pedestrians and a family getting into their car on the sand. Connection. For me, it's all about connection. I have a poor self image, but I do enjoy smiling and laughing with friendly people. So if my own company can't keep my mood up, then I need to make company with others.

Today, rather than a road trip in the car, I might dig around in my closet to see if I can find any long underwear and other cold-weather attire and start riding my bicycle more often in cold weather. Winter just began a few days ago and I prefer to ride bikes, rather than drive the car, into town to buy groceries and hardware, so if I can start dressing more cold-appropriate, I can ride the bike more often. Also, I didn't ride it as much this past October because we were having a big problem with bears. As many as four at a time, and very large ones, would be seen walking the streets in a pack. They pretty much ignored us. The big problem was garbage. On more than one occasion, I was out in the street, just ahead of the garbage truck, getting mine and my neighbors' trash back into the cans before the truck came. I got a little sheepish about riding my bicycle in the woods and out on the sand alone, knowing these huge animals were probably watching me from their hiding spots.

To end this midnight post on a positive note, I learned two things yesterday: Hope needs to be reassessed and I need to stop hating it. Just because I've lost the hope that the world would become a peaceful place when I became an old man, doesn't mean hope itself can't be properly managed and reignited on some new terms. I need to find a goal, reignite the flicker of hope that I've let die, and use it as a motivation to perform some actions to realize that hope.  And secondly, I learned that I need to find my thermal underwear and get out on the bicycles again. Bears are all asleep now. It's winter.