Papa Coco's Recovery Journal

[Armee]

I have so much I want to say in response to this post Papa Coco but I can't right now. My heart hurts reading it but not in a bad way but I sure do relate to every last bit of it.

I've been thinking about hypnotherapy too and will read with interest your reports of whether it helps. For now just a huge hug. 

You survived and are surviving.

[sanmagic7]

lies, smoke and mirrors - they are horrible parts of an unhealthy relationship.  i've had too many, so couldn't read past that, but the struggle to find relief can be a seminal objective in our hunt for wellness.  with you on this.  keep taking care of you, ok?  love and hugs

[Papa Coco]

Journal Entry for Saturday, January 21, 2023

I'm back in the city. Neighbors are all up in arms. The dogs have been running around causing problems again. GOOD! Now that I've moved away from the problem, other neighbors are feeling the pain without being able to just let ME deal with it. One neighbor said she saw an Animal Control truck prowling around. The driver even went  up to the lying dog owner' door, which means OTHER people have finally complained, and the city knows the address of the lying trash and his wild dogs. Who knows if this will solve the overarching issue? I still had to sleep with powerful noise blocking headphones on last night. Welcome to the city house, eh? I'll be GLAD when these 4 weeks of hypnotherapy are done so I can return to the peace and quiet of the beach.

San, Armee, Bach, thank you for the feedback on my last post. You helped me to see that I needed to add a trigger warning. I'm so sorry I didn't think to add the TW before you tried reading it. I PROMISE, this post today is very positive. I used BOLD to highlight main points so the long-windedness of it is easier to navigate with the naked eye.


I'm pulling up out of depression. I'm pulling up out of the isolation. I have lunch scheduled today with some former coworkers. Then I'm driving up into the mountains to fetch my youngest grandson, and possibly even my eldest grandson, if he's willing...to spend the night with us so my son and his wife can have a date night. These two little humans are good for my mood. They're such loving, comical little guys.

Tomorrow is a big day too, We're getting a visit from our former foster son, now in his forties, with a wife and two teen children of his own. We haven't seen him or his family since 2013, and we are really excited to have him stop by. He lives 4 hours from us, but is passing through the city on his way home from visiting some relatives in Canada. We really love this kid and do think of him as our third son, so we are super excited to see him and his family tomorrow. 

Super positive new direction:

The biggest news I have is that I've made a conscious decision to stop looking for a charitable organization to sign up with so I can rise up out of my depression by giving to others. What my wife and I have recently realized is that we have the money and I have the time to help people without having to go through an expensive charity which usually takes around a third of all donations to pay their staff. I was planning to start driving for Meals on Wheels, but as it turns out, I don't need to belong to an organization to drive for other people. This world is in terrible need, and that need is at our doorsteps. If I have $100 to give to a charity that will take $18 of those dollars (or more) to pay their CEO, then I have $100 to give to a person in line at the register whose credit card isn't working and they now have to put back all the baby food and diapers in their cart. I can pay for that stuff and no CEO gets half my money.

Next Thursday I'm scheduled to go to my wife's coworker's apartment and take her two long-haired cats to a groomers two cities away. The coworker is in the hospital with failing kidneys. We went in with a few other friends and purchased an iPad for her. It's becoming clear that this coworker may never be able to return home again, so the iPad was a gift that could reconnect her with the outside world. Now her lonely little cats need some care and attention. I don't need to sign up with an organization to go take care of these cats for her. My wife is FAR too allergic to cats, otherwise we'd take them home with us and keep them for as long as needed. But we can't. Coco would have to move out if these cats moved in. But they're loving, sweet, lonely little creatures, and it's so easy for me, a retired isolater, to leave my little prison, and go out on the town with them for a single day.

Best Antidepressant I know of:

So, no more official charities!!! I lose only a tax credit by giving money and energy and rides to point of need. The tax credit isn't a motivator for me anymore. I'm done giving money to Charity CEOs. I now give it to people in need. For me, giving is the most effective anti-depressant that I know of. And, frankly, it costs less than Ketamine Infusions, medications, hypnotherapy, talk therapy, self-help books and the rest of the stuff I throw money and time at to try and feel valued on the earth.

My new epiphany is sort of an "If you can't beat em, join em" philosophy, around how narcissists raised me to be a fawn. A slave to their narcissistic desires. So giving to people has been a dark experience. So I used charities to let other people give my money to other people without me having to feel all dirty and chained to the fawning. 

Now I've decided that since I was raised to be a fawn, and I compulsively feel responsible to help everyone, why fight it? Why not just redirect that energy to NON-Narcissists? Like I said earlier, the needs in this world are at our doorstep now. Neighbors are struggling to pay for heat and food now. Why give my $ and my time to a CEO when I could give it directly to the person in need?

I have a new perspective now. I NEED to fawn voluntarily so I can feel like myself again, but in a happier setting. (A non-narcissistic setting). But I NEED to do this stuff on my terms now. No longer because narcissistic parents and churches TELL ME TO. This charitable fawning behavior is on MY terms now, and I am going to feel better about myself for having done it. My inner fawn needs someone to fawn over. So, even though the act seems selfless, it's really got a big self-interest embedded into it. Our friend needs help, and I NEED to help. I need to do this for my own depression. It will be good for me and others. I receive while I give. Being charitable is a self-interest. I'm not using the word "selfish" because selfish is a negative word. Self-interest is a neutral word. It has no positive nor negative tone. It just means that I'm doing something that is good for me to do. I was wired to fawn. So fawning makes me happy as long as it's not for narcissists.

It reminds me of that old saying about the fact that we were given two hands, one for giving and the other for receiving, and if we'll keep both hands moving, the Love of the Universe will flow THROUGH us and balance our need to be connected with other humans. Once again, my favorite Mother Teresa saying; "Love not put into action is only a word."

So, giving is something that I have to do if I'm going to stay up out of depression for as long as I can. Perhaps it is the silver bullet I've been looking for. As long as I keep it in check. When a person becomes known as a giver, the scammers and narcissists see a target. Once the giving goes dark and starts to feel like abuse, that's when I must stop, change direction, and change plans. But for now, while good, compassionate, caring people are in a current situation where they need a helping hand, I am blessed with a chance to rise up out of depression for a little while as I step up to help them with something that is easy for me to do. Driving two cats to a groomer is a very easy thing for me to do, but it means a LOT to a woman whose life has taken a bad turn for the worse.

I feel kind of bad that it's taken me this long to realize the simplicity of all this. But I think I really did have a very dark cloud over "giving" because I was forced to give (to the underserving) for 5 decades. Now that I have learned what narcissism is, and have studied the various forms of narcissism, I can clearly see that I was trained by bad people. But those days are gone. I can now smell narcissists from miles away, and I now can choose to use my training for GOOD instead of evil. I'm excited for the isolation to end.

Today I learned, from Holidayay that isolation once served me when I was surrounded by scoundrels, but it no longer serves me. That was such a good message to read this morning. It's really helping me develop this new lifestyle that I'm planning to run headlong into, beginning TODAY.

[sanmagic7]

wow!  you're sounding quite powerful, PC.  lots of good strength vibes coming off the screen.  i think giving is a good thing if it comes from one's heart - otherwise, it's just a manipulation for someone else's benefit.  keep up the good work!  love and hugs

[Not Alone]

I smiled to think of you with your grandsons and also with your former foster son and his family. Enjoy your time with all of them. What I read about your giving made my heart feel warm.

[Armee]

 

Oh Papa Coco. 

You didn't trigger me with your post. You were speaking so directly to what I experienced in my own gaslighting family that so much resonated but I didn't have the energy to dig into it. I appreciated reading what you wrote in that moment and only couldn't untangle all the truths to properly reply in any way. It was not triggering, for me at least.

Fingers crossed that others stepping up too on the dog situation will help, and I remain curious how hypnotherapy will work with and for you. I have so much amnesia I don't know if hypnosis would be healing or deeply destabilizing.

[Papa Coco]

Journal Entry for Wednesday, January 25, 2023

Today I had my first Hypnotherapy appointment #1 of 4.

I feel different. I got home a half hour ago and I feel better than I have ever felt, probably ever. This therapist bills for 50 minute sessions but gives as much time as is needed. I got 3 solid hours with her. The first 2 ½ hours were getting to know each other. She had me describe my life to her. As I did so she posed some fresh thought-provoking ideas that I have never considered before. As I told her about my FOO, and how I was never, EVER allowed to talk about what I wanted to be when I grew up, NEVER allowed to consider college, NEVER allowed to think about girls (and that in order to marry Coco I had to keep her a secret and marry her very quickly behind their backs so they couldn't take her away from me. We married in secret 28 days after we met, 40 years ago), and NEVER allowed to be sick or injured...She asked why I thought that was, and I could only say that I had literally no idea.

She asked me to consider that since my elder siblings were such difficult people: Sib 1, a girl who married at 19 and left the state, never to return, Sib 2 a narcissistic monster who stole from the neighbors, only dated married men and always made sure to contact their wives to rub it in, never held a job because of how hard she always worked to get all the other women fired, and so on and so on, and sib #3 who was an aloof boy that never helped out, never participated in any family function, etc, that when I came along, they were not going to let me leave them. I wasn't allowed to be sick or injured because I was of no use to them when I wasn't at 100%. I wasn't allowed to want anything, nor to want to grow up to be anything, nor to date anyone, marry anyone, go to college...NOTHING. She posed that maybe, in their twisted reality, they saw that I was kind and giving and wanted me all to themselves. I was their helper and they wanted me to stay that way.  Their own fear of losing me made them try to block all my exits so I couldn't/wouldn't ever leave them.

Just that comment alone has opened up a whole new room in my brain that I've never been in before. What if she's right? If she is, it works on helping me continue to know they were abusing me, but at the same time it sort of reduces my hatred for them. They abused me, not out of hatred for me, but out of their own sick need to keep me close.

I'll be contemplating this new tack on this old journey for a while now as I try to come to terms with it. My goal in this hypnosis venture is to stop feeling so much anger and hatred for not only my own FOO, but also all the abusive narcissists all over the world.

After talking for about 2 ½ hours, she brought me to a separate room where I sat in a comfy chair. She gave me a candle and guided me through a relaxing exercise that only lasted about 15 minutes. I was conscious the whole time and trying very hard to not let my mind wander. I didn't feel hypnotized but wow. Our visit ended because she had to take her aging mom to a medical appointment, but she admitted she'd love to have talked with me even longer.

So when I tried to leave I had to stall my departure. When I got to the Jeep, I couldn't drive. I was too dizzy and lightheaded. Luckily for me, it was a cold, dry morning, so I stood next to the Jeep for 10 minutes, drinking a bottle of water and breathing as deeply as I could so I could drive without crashing. It only took about 10 minutes for me to completely reinhabit my body.

Since that moment I have felt like a whole different person. Like my happy self has been given full permission to bloom and take over my body and brain for now.

I don't know how long this feeling will last, but my goal is to make it last for as long as I can. She told me how to use a candle and do a similar meditation alone as often as I want to, hopefully no less than once a day. I intend to do so, so that I can keep this feeling alive for as long as I can.

I see her again next Wednesday at the same time, 9:00 AM.

I told her that one of my great fears when I pray is that I'll get what I pray for but will have to lose something of value to pay for it. That old saying "Be careful what you pray for" is how I live my life. I told her that in my prayers, I often ask the divine for freedom from anger and hatred, but then I usually give the divine the caveats that I don't want to have my house burn down, or my family to die, or to be injured in an accident, or get cancer, or be humiliated, or be falsely accused of some stupid crime and be sent to prison. All my life I've heard people say that good only comes after bad. The "school of hard knocks." "No pain, no gain." All those stupid limiting sayings have always stopped me from "asking for too much."  That and, my FOO did ALWAYS make sure that if I ever did get something good, they made sure I knew that I'd hurt them by getting it.

So, by rule of thumb, I don't accept too much good because of my chronic belief that the other shoe is going fall to make me pay for my gift with pain and suffering.

She assured me that we will be able to ask the divine for a life of joy and freedom from hatred and anger without having to pay for it through some horrible loss.

So for this moment, the hours following hypnosis visit #1, I'm feeling like it might be possible that I will one day be able to lose, or at least reduce, a formidable sense of my hatred and anger for narcissists without having to first lose my family, home, money, health, or anything else that I value.

She said a lot of the same things my therapist says about how as each of us pursues healing...as we heal ourselves, we heal the world also.

I will be interested to see my future posts, say, a year from now, to see how much of this sticks with me. I know there are always going to be bad days mixed in with the good, but I sincerely hope that this adventure I'm on gives some lasting sense of healing that I can hold onto for life.

[Armee]

 

Thank you for sharing this in detail.

It's an interesting new take on why they kept you down.

[dollyvee]

Hi PC,

I read your last post last night and woke up thinking how I was going to comment on it. I know it's disappeared into the ether but I think there was something you were trying to communicate.

How I read it was that it sounds like a very protective way of thinking, one that you had to develop growing up. I didn't have any psychic boundaries growing up I think, I had to take on all of this stuff from people (who were often aggressive) and it put me in the world like that as an adult to an extent. I'm still very much struggling with people who are passive-aggressive and how to set boundaries with that kind of behaviour for example.

As children of narcs. we're very much enmeshed with our caregivers from an early age. I'm learning about the powerlessness I had, or felt, growing up and the ways I tried to deal with that. As an FA, I'm learning that I view every relationship as a threat and that I have to be one guard for those threats from people, and that if my security is threatened, my survival (life) is threatened. Relationships to me feel like kill or be killed and it's not something I can turn off because someone "seems safe." This comes from a very deep, young place. One thing that stood out from the interview with Dan Brown for me was "to know me is to control me," and the control is linked to the abuse that I experienced. So, it's better just to keep people that little bit on the outside (in whatever way we need to do that), even though my intention is to not. But it's all related to a feeling of powerlessness and the ways that I needed to develop to protect myself (psychically or behaviourally). This is how I read and understood your post, that there is a similar protective mechanism at work because in order to know people the way you described is to know and judge them as god that they are inherently good or evil, and there is a sense of power in being able to do that, one that we might have needed to feel as a (small) child. In the Tibetan Buddhism I have been learning, good and evil come from the same place. We all come from the same kunzhi, or base, and return there. The good and evil only have power because we give them power. (This has actually made me go back to the Tibetan Yogas of Dream and Sleep and find something I needed to hear on p94 about how to lessen the grip on our own negative emotional states)

I hope I'm not overstepping by commenting on something you deleted but I think the emotion behind what you were saying was valid. I hope you find some space with this,
dolly

[Armee]

Me, too. There was good stuff in there. 

[Papa Coco]

Dolly,

Your posts are so well thought out. I'm always impressed by your level of detail.  I fully understand your sentiments about how if people know you they can control you. It makes perfect sense that we would feel that way after having been known so well by our controlling, abusive FOOs and teachers.

So far, I've listened to Dan Brown's interview twice and will likely listen to it a few more times. I've done his free "attachment style assessment", and almost ordered his workbook for my style. I just haven't pushed the button yet. His prices seem high. HIs Kindle workbook is $27. His paper book is $65. Who charges that for a book? So, I've been feeling like I need to be sure he's not trying to drag me into an Amway franchise or something. Also, I'm not ready to accept his bold statement that there is no such thing as C-PTSD. His information about attachment theory is very good and I'm liking it, but something about him feels arrogant, and his statement that there's no such thing as trauma is making me kind of suspicious of his own possible agenda, and his own heightened narcissism. Like he's trying to prove that he's the only one who's right in the world. Add that to the prices he charges and I'm not ready to buy any of his books just yet.

I confess too, that I am the one who deleted my post from yesterday. As a child of Narcs, and a victim of the Catholic church, I live on a fine line between self-confidence and utter shame. My FOO and that nasty church forced me to keep a lot of secrets no little boy should ever have to keep. Then, any time when the * hit the fan, they denied everything, and spun it all around to make me look like a liar. I had to live with the shame of believing I'd "misinterpreted" life and made false accusations that I should forever be ashamed of.

I live with a deep desire to be known. Seen. Validated. I am an open book who chooses to expose my own issues because my stomach hurts when I hold my thoughts in. NOT being authentic sends me into a crazy place. I lose sleep, can't digest food, start to hear voices screaming in my head. I have no choice but to be open and revealing. Authentic. I lived on secrets my whole life and I just can't stand the feeling that I'm not allowed to be ME around other people. I've never been capable of lying. I've been forced to do it a few times, but it leaves me feeling ugly and wrong. Keeping secrets (discretion) to protect myself or someone else is one thing, but openly lying is too ugly for me. The pain I inflict upon myself is not worth it.

When I posted that about clowns and narcs being the same, I was trying to describe how I can almost telepathically sense the facade in people who are hiding their true identities, and when people are hiding their true identities from me, I become afraid of them. Clowns and narcissists are the monsters that hide in the closet or under the bed at night. The Boogeyman. Killer robots from outer space, wearing human clothing. They are inhuman monsters disguised as caring or fun people. I've even met a few actors, but they make me uneasy. Like they're just too good at pretending to be someone else. The energy around the actors I've met is strangely confused. Like eratic. Like they're benign narcisissts who mean no harm, but can't connect with other people. Like clowns. They present a false image of themselves, and somehow I can just feel it.

In my post I was proposing that we C-PTSD types, or as Dan Brown would call us, we who suffer with attachment disorders, have developed a 6th sense. Somehow, we can "sense" a person is hiding something for the purpose of taking something from us.

I have to confess, lately I've been feeling like I'm not making sense anymore, and I keep asking myself if I should stay on this forum. My biggest fear in life is that I'll accidentally hurt someone during my lifetime. If I'm starting to sound like a crazy person on this forum, I risk hurting someone by making them leave the forum because of this one crazy guy who talks about clowns and narcissists being the same kind of person--and then claiming I can psychically feel the same fear from either one.

I deleted my post after it sat out in public for most of the day and didn't get responded to. So I became afraid I'd said things that exposed me as crazy. Shameful. Stupid.

You know, Dolly and Armee, after 40 years of therapy, Ketamine, SSRI's, alcoholism, hypnotherapy, volunteer work with rape victims, about a hundred self-help books, this forum, etc, etc, etc, I have to assume that my fears are incurable. I deleted my post because of my own fear of being shamed the way church people used to shame me, and family used to shame me, and the "John Wayne Generation" of old men used to shame me anytime I was authentic. Somehow, I never grew that thicker layer of skin, and never just decided to be me and not care what others think. I still shiver at the thought of being thrown out into the weeds and left for dead for not being secretive and avoidant and "like everyone else" in my culture.

It was trauma that made me delete that post. For that I apologize.

Thank you for responding anyway, even after I'd deleted it.

Your response has some good points in it. That by being authentic, we open ourselves up to being attacked by narcissists who use our own truths against us.  They "slap us with our own hand" but can't do that if we keep a distance from them.

[Papa Coco]

I'm sorry that I let my own traumatic fears delete this post from yesterday.  In honor of Armee and Dolly's responses, I'm reposting it.

Recovery Journal Entry for Monday, January 30, 2023

I've been recently trying to put into words the fact that I can actually feel the presence of someone's spirit when I'm with them. What scares me the most is when I meet someone who doesn't appear to have a spirit. Up until now I've just called it "a gut feeling" but I'm starting to realize that we humans can feel each other's presence. We can feel it when we're being stared at. We can feel it when someone we love is thinking about us.  My wife and I, after almost 40 years seem to always come up with the same ideas at the exact same moment. We are like two people sharing a single mind. We were sitting in front of the TV one night 6 years ago, when Coco suddenly jumped to her feet "I have to check on Mom!"  Her mom lived with us for 14 years. she had her own section of the house, and we were used to her being in bed by this time of night. Coco had NO reason to jump up and run to her mom. But when she did, she found her unresponsive. We called 9-1-1. They tried to revive her but couldn't. She'd apparently had a quiet stroke of some kind and her daughter felt it from three rooms away. They took her to the Emergency Room, where she lived for only 2 more days on life support, but her brain had died. How did Coco know to jump up and suddenly check on her? Because we're all connected. And some of us can feel that connection in our bodies and brains and spirits. But narcissists can't. Their spirits don't reach out to our spirits. Life is a game to them. Their lives go like this: "Get what you can, hurt whomever you want, and then die alone and unloved."

Example of a time: 33 years ago, when we purchased our home, a neighbor and his 20-year-old son came by to help me work out a braking issue on an old car I had. When I met the son face to face, he appeared dead. His eyes looked toward me but not at me. I couldn't feel his presence. Like a clown, he was standing right in front of me but wasn't "human." His demeanor felt lifeless. He appeared "empty" inside. Like a robot. My gut told me to steer clear of him and to keep my kids away from him. A year later he rocked the neighborhood when he went to prison for 25 years because it had been discovered he was a serial rapist with many victims in his history.

So this  morning, as I was pondering how I fear narcissists, Borderline Personality Disordered (BPDs), sociopaths, psychopaths, or anyone who harbors a narcissistic inability to connect with others, I realized that I fear narcissists for the same reasons I fear clowns.  Check this out: I googled "Why are we afraid of clowns?" and got a lot of hits.

HINT: In the following quote, if you replace every word "clown" with "narcissist" the paragraph makes just as much sense. The points in red are the reason I fear clowns and narcissists equally:

I copy/pasted the following quote from Britanica.com:

"...according to researchers, there are actual psychological reasons why we fear clowns. To begin with, a clown's makeup can be unsettling. It hides not only the person's identity but also that person's feelings. Worse, the makeup can result in mixed signals if, for example, the clown has a painted-on smile but is frowning. Then, there's the uncanny nature of the makeup itself. The oversized lips and eyebrows distort the face so that the brain perceives it as human but slightly off. That oddness is heightened by a clown's bizarre costume. In addition, clowns are highly unpredictable as well as mischievous, which puts people on edge. Are they going to squirt water at you or give you a flower?" Copied from: https://www.britannica.com/story/why-are-people-afraid-of-clowns#:~:text=The%20oversized%20lips%20and%20eyebrows,or%20give%20you%20a%20flower%3F

Clowns are people hiding their identities and acting "larger than life." Narcissists are people hiding their authentic identities and acting "larger than life."  When clowns and narcissists are a long way away, they're funny to watch. But when they get into your private space, their fake personalities feel inhuman, even scary. Why? Because we can't connect with someone who is disguising themselves. We know they're unpredictable, and we don't feel safe around them. We humans feel connection with each other. Clowns and narcissists are all about behavior only. No authenticity. They're just acting like people. Their behaviors block and disguise any authentic human feelings. Robots behave like humans. Clowns behave like humans and narcissists behave like humans, but all three of them are not sharing their souls with us, and because we can't feel their authenticity, we find that frightening. As well we should.

Accepting the fact that we have 6 senses, not 5, and that our spirits seem able to connect with other spirits, explains to me why I sometimes meet people I simply KNOW to not trust. Other times I meet people I somehow just know to trust. I met Coco in a gas station in 1983. I asked her out. 4 weeks later we were married.  That was 40 years ago and our faces still light up when the other enters the room. Somehow we both just knew we were meant to be together.

We learn who to trust in this world through several means: 1) we learn how to identify dangerous people by reading a few books on sociopaths and narcissists. 2) we learn how to read physical signals, and to pay attention to red flags. 3) Sometimes we simply feel their presence, and when we do, either our skin crawls with disgust, or we can't help but feel good about the person. We have to use all our senses when learning how to place trust in the right people. Learning about narcissism from experts who've written books and podcasts on it has been one of the 10 best things I've ever done for my own healing. They're EXTREMELY easy to spot once we've read a few books on them. And now that I'm ready to accept the fact that sometimes I can just feel their evil in the room is moving my ability to learn how to trust to the next level.

[Phoebes]

Wow, PC, I've only just read your post about your first appointment with your new hypnotherapist. What a wonderful experience and outcome! I'm so glad it was a positive experience for you and left you looking forward to the next session, and feeling heard and supported.

[Armee]

 

So many warm and safe hugs for that traumatized little boy who had to come up with so many ways to try to keep yourself safe and sane.

You do not sound crazy, not at all. You are not crazy. You are traumatized. I'm sorry I'm so sorry all those terrible things happened to you. Both the SA and the narcissistic abuse. They are both horrid.

The reason I didn't respond yesterday and often take a long time to respond to your posts is because they have a lot of thought provoking things in them that really resonate with me and I need to take my time in digesting and responding. Often I am writing posts in between obligations, popping in here and there for a few minutes each time.

Your post yesterday really struck a chord for two main reasons:

1. My mom was utterly vacant. She had ice blue eyes and would just stare at me but with nothing absolutely nothing there, though occasionally hate would be there especially on her deathbed. The thought and felt sense of that vacuousness is the most disturbing thing about my mom to me, even more than her saying again on or very near to on her deathbed that she should have thrown my sister off the Golden Gate Bridge. I once visited my mom and then left and went to a store where I had to pass in front of someone clearly high on meth. She had a similar vacant feeling as my mom yet passing in front of her was far less disturbing than being near my mom. I've really struggled with how to make sense of her. Her actions and lack of them were cruel and yet her intention was never truly to be cruel but her need to protect herself from any hurt was so high. So I was resonating with what you shared about empty people and feeling things about my mom and trying to square it with the concept of evil or psychopathy.

2. I am often very hard for people to read and don't let them very close, so guilt and shame that maybe if we knew each other in real life you would read me as empty too.

[And no please don't feel guilty. What you wrote did not make me feel that way about myself. The way I was raised by my mom made me feel that way. I'm the bad one.]

[dollyvee]

Hi PC,

I don't think you have anything to feel ashamed or sorry for deleting that post, nor any shame in writing it.

I'm going to be busy over the next few days and won't have time to make a proper reply until then butI wanted to say that I heard you.

Sending you support,
dolly