Rainy Journal 2022

[sanmagic7]

hey, rainy,

altho i've been involved in 12-step groups and processes, one place they let me down was exactly what you said - the internal processes.  they were, as you said, all about behaviors.  when i tried one time, long ago, to bring up inner child awareness, i was told in no uncertain terms by a group member that such a topic was not appropriate for their group.

12-step programs are great for addictions, but as i told my 12-stepper hub, trauma is not an addiction.  'let go and let god' and some of their other sayings just don't work for what we suffer from.  i agree with you that much about addiction is trauma-based - trying to escape the pain for at least a little while - but i was frustrated that it just wasn't what their program was about.

if you keep reading, i hope you find something helpful to use that might resolve or smooth some of what you're going thru.

and, i agree with the others - the kids know.  you provided another example of how your inner being, your sense of safety and comfort, have made themselves known to the little ones.  keep up the good work.  love and hugs 

[rainydiary]

Thank you for this San.  I'm sorry to hear about your experience of the inner child not being heard.  In my work I come across a lot of focus on observable behavior which bothers me because things seem to me to be so much more complex and I see the complexity.  I appreciate the support for me in my work.
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I feel rather empty today.

I woke up very early as I have started training for another run.  This one is not as long as the one I did last year but it is still time and commitment.   

I was at my second school today where I only spend one day a week.  This day always feels rushed and today I didn't get as much done as I would have liked.  A colleague that has been mentoring to me and I talked a lot.  I was very open with her and felt heard.  But it especially feels risky being open with folks especially at work after what happened in my last job. 

I also feel like a hypocrite.  I have a lot of ideals and ideas and thoughts that I don't always carry out in real time.  For instance, when I hear a colleague say something hurtful I still don't always say or do anything because of a lot of reasons.

Today two young children, around 4 years of age, were incredibly hurtful with words to one another during my group.  I didn't handle it well as I was mostly shocked at how nasty such young people were being. 

I felt a bit more comfort with my husband today but am still really struggling.  I think I imagined marriage being different and I am so disappointed.  I think I feel like someone that is healthier emotionally and mentally wouldn't put up with me.  I also get upset with myself that I frame this in terms of others and am struggling to answer the question of what it is I really want and need.

I am struggling with how I can help with all the kinds of suffering in the world.  I am struggling that my cat seems to be having trouble jumping up and that I can't do anything until her vet appointment soon to see if they have ideas because she otherwise seems fine.  I am struggling with some loose ends with my car like the cracked windshield and slow department of motor vehicles in my old state holding things up here. 

I am mostly struggling with how much effort I put into each day and how exhausting it is. 

[dollyvee]

when i realized lately how much humiliation and abuse  i was subjected to with my FL, i felt stupid and like a fool.  i'm convinced now that we are not the fools in these relationships, but kind, warm, open people who others have taken advantage of.  they deserve the anger about this, not us.  we weren't taught to have clear boundaries, how to enforce them, or that we were worth having them in the first place.  that's not on us.

Hi Rainy,

I think what San wrote here is bang on - there's a lot of my life that I've felt like that too. When you think about it we were these kids that had to go through a lot of difficult stuff and were left to find our way on our own through all of that. It's an immense amount to ask from children. Even though we are, we really can't be hard on ourselves for having to do that. It's all part of the process and I think we all have/had an ideal version of what we wanted or thought things would be like before trauma knocked on the door and said I'm here, remember me?

Sending you support to take each day as it comes.

dolly

[CactusFlower]

I also feel like a hypocrite.  I have a lot of ideals and ideas and thoughts that I don't always carry out in real time.  For instance, when I hear a colleague say something hurtful I still don't always say or do anything because of a lot of reasons.

I think a lot of people have this issue. We can say we're going to act a certain way and even have that as a goal/ideal, but we don't know how we'll really react unless we're actively in that situation. Especially unpredictable situations, because there's no way to practice our reaction to make it our default. Hugs, you are not alone in this feeling.

Also, I can totally resonate how lots of "minor" things can add up to a feeling of overwhelm. I hope they get better soon for you.

[rainydiary]

Dolly, thank you for the reminder and call for gentleness.  Thank you for your wishes. 
.......
Cactus, thank you for this perspective.  I do notice I "fall short" often when I haven't planned or anticipated something that happens...but also other people aren't completely predictable and can show up a certain way that just throws me off.  I try to remember none of us get it right all the time and I wish we had more time and opportunity to be in conversation when we mess up.  I also appreciate the understanding of small things adding up.
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I'm not sure how I'm feeling.

I noticed today that my husband seems to be in a better mood which does impact me.  I don't appreciate how hard I work to figure out how to create all the conditions that I seem to think will help him.  I also am not always aware of how much his mood impacts me.  I want to be supportive of him so much but he takes and takes and takes and I give and give and give.

I went to a new hair dresser and it was such an odd experience.  The hair dresser sent me a message about half an hour before my appointment that I may have misinterpreted.  I think she was reminding me of my appointment and letting me know she was behind schedule but I interpreted her message as her not really wanting to keep the appointment and I felt put off.  But I decided to go because I had been looking forward to a cut.  It ended up being ok and I plan to let her cut my hair again.  I just miss my old hair dresser and it is difficult to move on.

This evening my husband has been more present as well as pleasant with me.  But I am feeling upset that I continue to do the bulk of housework.  I am also upset that he has this photo of his sister and his niece on his work desk.  It seriously makes me sick.  I don't feel like I can tell him how to decorate his personal space.  But it really hurts me that I don't feel as important to him as his sister and his niece (and his mom).  And I am tired of pretending to myself that this garbage will change. 

I have two more days of work and then a week off.  I hope to enjoy myself a bit - I think I will go do some things on my own.  There is a ferry near us that goes to a nearby island.  The run I will do in June is on that island.  I think I will go on the ferry and see what that is like. 

[rainydiary]

I am just exhausted and angry today.

Nothing in particular has happened. 

I think all of the change and effort and everything is catching up.

[Armee]

Rainy,

I just want to say that it IS hurtful that your husband has a picture of his mom, sister, and niece on his desk, but not you. You are not wrong to feel hurt and angry and disrespected and unimportant. I would feel the same way.

[paul72]

gentle hugs of support as you navigate through those feelings today rainydiary 
Wish there was more I could do. 

[Not Alone]

Rainy, I just caught up on your diary. Feeling lots of compassion for you in the many things that you are carrying.

I am feeling like a real fool for what I have put up with for so long.

Relationships and marriage are so complex. You are not a fool. You are learning and growing and trying to figure things out. There are no easy answers.

[rainydiary]

Armee, thank you for the validation.  I'll share an update below.
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Phil, I appreciate your message - it did bring a lot of comfort earlier to me in the day.
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Not Alone, thank you.  I am really being hard on myself right now.  I hope that can shift a bit soon.
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I don't know what it was about this day, but I was just exhausted and in a mood.

I managed to make it through work.  My drive home was difficult as there was a delay on the highway and I had made dinner plans with my husband so I felt crunched for time.

When I got home and saw the sink full of dishes, I got mad.  I know my husband wasn't home much of the day as he was on a business trip.  But he could have run the dishwasher this morning.  Perhaps I could have too but I am not the only one living here.

Sometimes when I get overwhelmed, I say something really general like "I give up" or "I don't want to do this anymore," and based on something my husband said this afternoon, I wonder if he finds that triggering.  I'm not sure what language his brother used in the last months of his life.  I'm definitely not suicidal and I could be reading into this.  I could also be more mindful of this.

I did share some needs and experiences with my husband as we walked to dinner.  I expressed general need for help with housework.  He told me he has no energy to do that which made me mad - neither do I and no one wants to do housework.  He also said we have this conversation a lot and I said that is because I keep expecting that he will help and that right now I feel like his caretaker which I am not.  He went off on a tangent of how we should get a cleaner. 

The tangent helped me clarify what my issue is.  My issue is the dishes.  I need him to help me keep up with the dishes and not just put things in the sink.  The other stuff isn't as time consuming or constant as the dishes.  A cleaner wouldn't be able to help us keep up with dishes. 

I also shared with him that I find the picture on his desk hurtful.  I've never told him that.  I also think I said it in a way where I wasn't telling him what to do or how I feel about his family or that I find the relationship he has to his sister and family really weird.  His reaction was what I expected - somehow it's my fault for not giving him a picture of me.

He was tinkering around in his office this evening.  I went in just a little while ago to turn off the light and I noticed that he had moved the picture off his desk.  Maybe he heard me.  Maybe the move isn't intentional, but right now I would like to believe that he listened to me and is trying to be responsive.

Either way, I would like to start saying my truth.  I hope he will also say what he needs as I am not perfect and I know I do things that aren't helpful to either of us.  But all I can do is get clear on what I actually need and try my best to communicate that....or nothing will change for either of us.

I hope to get better rest tonight.  Tomorrow is the last day of work before a break.

[Armee]

Wow! Good job, Rainy! This sounds like excellent communication about how you feel and what you need!!!

[sanmagic7]

i'm with armee on this, rainy.  well done   

i support you with all you're going thru.  wishing i could do more.  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

I agree, good on ya! Sounds like communication is improving, even if in small steps.  My ex and I used to have words about chores, too. The only way we got around it was to agree the person who cooked/bought dinner was not the one who cleaned up.  I nearly always cooked, so i agreed to that, LOL

[rainydiary]

Thanks Armee, I am learning that I think I do communicate better than I think I do.
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Thank you San.  I appreciate you being here and supporting me as you are.
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LOL Cactus - that sounds like a great compromise.  I think I have a lot of control issues around housework too - it is somewhat a way I exert control when I am out of control.  Thank you for your support.
.........

I am exhausted again today.

I wish I could go home but my work is more difficult to make up if I don't just stay and get it done.

I have a meeting in about half an hour that I would rather not have.

I tried advocating for myself at work after being given additional responsibility that I really wanted to say no to.  I did share with my supervisor that I am overwhelmed and still learning the job.  Her response hasn't felt supportive to me - her most recent solution was to add another person to the mix which doesn't help and isn't what I need.  I feel sick with how this is playing out.

My husband has many trips planned in the coming weeks - mostly for work but some for personal travel.  I don't mind and honestly think we need the space to explore our uniqueness.  I've had a lot of opportunity to get to know myself which he hasn't.  I'm grateful his travel isn't just focused on his family - I realizing that in the past it often was. 

But it brings up different worries and activates my anxiety. 

I hope the rest of this work day passes smoothly. 

[rainydiary]

Something I also meant to add before I forget:

I have a few colleagues who love to tell me what a great experience they have in their jobs when I am trying to tell them my challenges.

It makes me mad because it is gaslighting.  It is weird how difficult it is for us to hold opposing truths - someone can have a good experience while I am not.  It also is difficult because it just activates all the times I haven't really been heard when my issues aren't about them.