still digging

[sanmagic7]

hope, many thanks for your caring and kind words.

armee, i found nothing rude in what you asked.  it's something i can contemplate, bring it up with my T, discuss how that can happen.  thank you for it.  as for advice, i'm not afraid of it.  others' thoughts, opinions, sentiments, feelings as well as advice is always welcome, as far as i'm concerned.  they all are founts from which i can drink, learn, balance with what i know and don't know.  too many times i have no idea how to move forward anymore.  this is beyond anything i've known or had experience with personally and professionally.  my T has never seen reactions like this, either, so we're both learning on the fly.  your care, concern and hugs warm my heart.

notalone, that was a wonderful reminder of the sinister aspect of trauma. and, thanks for your observation about how much more has been piled on me since the original breakup.  you helped me feel validated and i appreciate that. 

snowdrop, thank you for your perspective.  very true about another coming along, demanding to be seen, heard, and felt.  it causes an overwhelm which my brain and body does not cope with well.  love those hugs and what they contain,  thanks so much for them. 

it's monday, my legs still aren't back, altho there seems to be some improvement.  from past experience, it takes time and rest.  i'm doing what i can to make it from one day to the next without completely getting drowned in depression about this continuing situation.  i've been dealing with this leg thing for over 35 yrs. starting during my marriage to hub #2 (who i refer to as my ex).  his care and concern at those times was pretty nonexistent. my mex. hub was very helpful, very caring when it happened.  what a difference it made to my sense of well-being and not feeling like i'm on my own while dealing with it.

the past 2 days the feelings of hurt, pain, and grieving seem to have run themselves out.  i've been wanting to cry, and finally got to a place where i was able to do so yesterday, but, quite honestly, it was for myself.  i'm so sad i have to go thru this time and time again.  it's so wearing, so dreadful to my spirit, washing over it so much it almost feels like it's hard to breathe.  not literally, but emotionally, if that's a thing.  it makes me skittish about therapy once again.

i found myself thinking about quitting therapy, just hanging on as is, but in my deepest recesses, i know that's not the answer.  i don't know how to get to enough happy memories (altho i have many, but they seem to be covered up by this trauma crapola), and certainly don't know how to reach for pos. emotions.  they've been out of my reach as well most all my life, unless i was under the influence.  a lovely distraction for a couple hours where i'd have fun, but that stopped working as well.  i know the only way to get to the other side of this is to go thru it, and it's nice to have FL and all that happened because of him mostly gone now.  however, my legs remain a reminder of how bad it was to affect me so profoundly.

my mind is also extremely overwhelmed now - i'm having a problem remembering words, thoughts, info that was given to me a few minutes before.  it's so distressing living within myself right now - hardly anything is working the way i want it to.  i'm so down about this.  so much of this is due to the trauma of having to deny my feelings, wants, dislikes, over and over since a baby.  they had no idea how much damage they were causing, and i'm paying the price now.  sucks.

[sanmagic7]

was watching a show where a woman got her mind manipulated so as to lose her emotions, and a friend helped her fight back from it.  it took several days of pain and anguish as well as withdrawal, and toward the end she moaned 'what did they do to me?"  and i saw myself in that moment, and the tears came along with the question for myself.  what did they do to me?  i am now a husk of what i was, barely able to walk, and i feel sorry for all the me's who had been tormented to the point i was nearly robotic, a perfect soldier who did more than was asked of her decade after decade.

going thru what i'm going thru now is taking years rather than days.  i saw her pain, how much it hurt to retrieve her real self.  my tears were healing, but i wonder how much spirit i have left to continue undergoing this dreaded atrocity of regaining my true self.  it's not simply chipping away at my spirit anymore, but slashing at it, over and over.  my legs feel a bit better after my cry, but i was standing in front of my D (who was asking what was going on with me) and i repeated the phrase of the woman in the show, said 'look at me now because of that'.  there is so much more to process but i don't know how much more i can take and reclaim myself after each episode of this.  it's feeling pretty dismal.  just needed to let that out.

[Bach]

Sending love and good thoughts, san   

[sanmagic7]

bach, thanks so much.  they really helped

relief!  my T and i found a way to bring my legs back using the flash technique.  when i lived in mex., i used to do hands-on healing for people.  i'd help them get relief from sore muscles, tension, stress, toxins - all the usual suspects.  when i finished running my hands over their back, legs, whatever, i'd toss the toxins to the floor.  when we finished, and they felt better, i'd ask if they wanted to keep them or have me sweep them out the door.  invariably they did not want to take that crapola back, so i'd get a broom and make the motion of sweeping something out the door.  afterwards, i would be able to feel that negativity in my hands, and would have to wash them w/ soap and water, metaphorically cleansing myself of their neg. energy and letting it go down the drain.

this morning, i was full of despair about doing any processing in the future cuz of this tendency for my emotions to kick my legs out from under me.  my T listened to all my lack of hope, fear for future therapy, everything i'd been complaining about here.  then she suggested we flash my legs themselves, see what might come up.  during the process, i pictured myself sitting in my chair, legs up, but basically in pain and not working properly.  i've tried doing healing on myself in the past, but, like therapy, couldn't do it on myself.

with this image in my mind, however, suddenly another 'me' came into the picture.  it took a few sets of flash, but eventually i managed to see this other me come toward the damaged me and proceed to do all the healing actions on my wounded legs.  i went thru my entire healing process on my legs, including sweeping the toxins out the door.  my legs immediately felt better, but i could feel the load of crapola in my hands, so had to go wash them clean of it.  when our session was over, i was able to go to the store wtih my D (her birthday is tomorrow), go up and down the steps with no trouble. 

what a difference this makes.  knowing that i can have a hand in helping my legs regain themselves by using flash on myself, pulling up those same images, processing while my other me heals the wounded me gives me hope.  i had lost that with this latest situation.  i feel like a completely different person than the one who was sobbing yesterday, dumping loads of everything here on the forum.  i didn't think this could be done, but it has.  gratitude for my mind, energy, and spirit are now overflowing from my pores, where this morning there was only slop. 

[Snowdrop]

That's fantastic, San. The power comes through in your words. I'm delighted.

[rainydiary]

What a lovely experience - thank you for sharing it. 

[Armee]

Your mind is a miracle sweet San Magic. It has kept you protected all these years and now you are using it to heal yourself. Your partnership with your mind and yourself and your therapist is miraculous. This seems like a very powerful tool that you now have on your healing journey. One that makes it much safer to continue at the pace you've wanted to go. Way to go!!! 

[paul72]

That's amazing and wonderful sanmagic
Thank you for sharing that!!! Congratulations

[sanmagic7]

thanks, snowdrop.  you brought a smile to my face with your enthusiasm.  love it! 

hey, rainy, thanks for your kind words. 

armee, i totally agree with all you said.  especially about feeling safer to continue.  thank you so much for your continued support! 

phil, thank you so.  i found it amazing as well.  it's caused me to feel hope, which i've rarely felt in my life.

my legs are still here, still working.  i'm thinking of using the healing 'me' for help with some of the tension and stress i constantly carry.  this has been a game-changer, for sure, altho i'm a little afraid of doing it too much, as if i might use the power/energy up and won't have it when it's really needed.  on the other hand, relaxing my muscles, giving my system some much-needed release also seems necessary if i'm to continue to stay alive.  all this stress/tension stuff is not good for me in so many ways.  it's been there so long, it's difficult to imagine how i'd be without it.  can't know unless i try it, tho.  we'll see.

for now, i'm just going to enjoy having my legs back. 

[Armee]

I have lots of confidence that even if this particular method loses its efficacy for you that you and T will find a new way to help you heal yourself if and when needed.

[Snowdrop]

i'm thinking of using the healing 'me' for help with some of the tension and stress i constantly carry. this has been a game-changer, for sure, altho i'm a little afraid of doing it too much, as if i might use the power/energy up and won't have it when it's really needed.

Using the healing you to help with the tension and stress sounds like a great idea. As well as easing your load, it would give the two of you more experience of working together. This might mean she's more able to help you when you really need it, not less.

[sanmagic7]

armee, i love your vote of confidence!  thanks ever so

snowdrop, what a lovely perspective you've brought to the table.  it feels strengthening.  thank you so much

armee and snowdrop, you've helped me here more than you know.  different ways to look at a potential problem - i love options. 

my D's birthday has come and gone.  while i love celebrating and seeing her enjoying herself, this kind of thing disrupts me at the same time - my routine is what helps me the most in keeping anxiety down to a manageable level.  plus, while we were going to the car yesterday, one of the neighbors was walking her dog, (on a leash, thank everything), as she let him come close to me.  he took a few sniffs, then charged at me barking like crazy.  i kinda fell back on the hood, frozen for a few minutes.  this is the second time i've had a terrifying experience with dogs which froze me.

my D and i talked about it while driving, she said she's going to stop greeting people with dogs from now on, cuz she thinks they think that because we're friendly, we must want to interact w/ their dog as well.  i've been friendly with people while on a walk for as long as i can remember, greeting them, smiling, etc. and to think i have to stop that now, at least with some people, is sad.  (sad is all i could come up with - i tried annoying, but it didn't fit).  my D, too, has loved dogs, used to work w/ them, was a dogwalker and dogsitter, so has had lots of experience with them, but living here she's found too many of them off leash, and with these kinds of experiences, is now afraid.  another sad for that.  maybe even angry.

today, then, is a day of recovery.  i have some author work to do (final round of proofreading/edits on one, coming up w/ the idea for the next) and those activities are a good distraction from everything else.  i just want to wallow in the comfort of my routine today. 

[sanmagic7]

fri., during session, my T told me i was hanging on by a thread.  it's distressed and disturbed me.  i went thru several feelings about it, such as 'i'm not going to let this get to me' to 'this is the reason i'm doing what  i'm doing to comfort myself and i don't have to be guilty about it (food and smoking)' to 'i'm not crazy, i'm not making this up, it really is this bad'. 

funny how one sentence can be so discombobulating.  it's got my head spinning.  however, i think the most comforting aspect of it is the idea that i'm not making this up, i really am going thru * right now, have been for the past 2 yrs.,  i'm just afraid of the toll all this stress i'm going thru is taking on me.  the past few days i've had a very difficult time remembering from minute to minute at times.  i've noticed for the past month that i have a difficult time getting the right words out of my mouth - i either don't know what i want to say or i physically can't form the word with my mouth.

i'm also puffy and bloated from stress, which is uncomfortable in its own way.  i read another post about grieving, not having the permission/acceptance to grieve as they went thru losses in life, and it rang a bell hard and strong.  these emotional explosions i've been having are directly related to that in my life.  while the pain of going thru it now is horrific, even worse to me is what it does to my body, muscles, legs, etc.  then, that outside contribution from my T (i'll discuss this w/ her on tues.) clanged my bell.  i wasn't exaggerating, i guess, when i've said i've been in crisis for over 2 yrs. 

this memory and verbal stuff is upsetting me.  i hope it rights itself if my stress level wanes.  i don't want to think of the alternative.

[Armee]

Aw San that would be such an intensely upsetting thing to hear from anyone. I am relieved at least T recognizes how serious this all is and yet it strikes me as an uncharacteristicly unskilled way to communicate this. I am so sorry you are sitting there with that statement. It would be worth a check in with her if you can before Tuesday?

I would also be quite distressed and disturbed.

You have remarkable inner strength San. It's not fair that's been expected and required of you but it is there and you will find a way to heal this and feel strong again.

It's OK to go slow, though right? We all know slow and steady wins the race with cPTSD.

[sanmagic7]

hey, armee,  i'll definitely be checking in with her on tues.  it's settled a little now, but just kinda sits at the back of my mind.  at the time she said it, i think i was so taken aback that i wasn't able to  say anything or question it.  i'm sure she said it as a validation type statement, putting words to the reality.  i might have needed to hear it as such.  but it felt awkward to me somehow, or maybe jarring.  yeah, more like it rocked my boat.

my reality about myself has been so out of whack forever, it's hard for me to tell just exactly how much of what i think or feel is true.  i've said that i've been in crisis for over 2 yrs. now, a few months before i started working with her.  then i'd think 'crisis' was too strong a word cuz i haven't been hospitalized, haven't made any 'attempts' , haven't been depressed to the point that all i've done is stay in bed all day.  you're right about my spirit, tho - it just keeps fighting back whether i think i want it to or not.  thank you for all your words and thoughts for me.  love it all.

talked to my one friend today, she's been traumatized w/in the past year, and people are telling her to leave things in the past, let go and move forward - you know, the usual stuff.  i told her it was a traumatic experience, and it's not that we hang onto trauma, but that it hangs on to us.  she doesn't know a lot about any of this, but my heart ached for her and i cried with her.  i'm so glad i'm not in any relationship anymore where someone is mean or uncaring toward me.  this friend is the only one i've chosen to keep around - we build each other's spirits up, and it's so nice to have that, finally.

not taking anything away from my D, but it's a different kind of relationship.  when i compare this friendship w/ ones i've had in the past, it's so far ahead of that pack, it's kind of amazing.  i can feel the care she has for me, the interest she has in me and my llife, the support she gives me when i talk about what i've gone thru, and how sh'es asked me to tell her more and more, to explain what i'm going thru.  she shines a light on my world, and it's lovely.

in the meantime, i'm still hanging on.  at times i feel bad cuz we've lived here nearly a year and i still don't even have my bedroom fully unpacked or put together.  now when i think about 'hanging by a thread' i can see that it's really all i can do some days to make my bed.  that was the one thing i made sure to do when i lived in mex. as i sign that i wasn't dead or super depressed.  one day i'm hoping to get it done, but not this day. (lotr).