therapy today. i don't know how much processing i can take - yesterday was very busy and i'm tired this morning. on the other hand, now that one piece of my ex has been taken care of, i've noticed another piece that came up which needs to be dealt with. it contains an incident with my ex and D1, something he said to her in a store that convinced me about the misogynistic part of him. before that, i don't think i gave misogyny too much credence.
**********TW - inappropriate language - *******************
however, 'who's your daddy' at the checkout when he's paying for several items of hers is not ok. she was livid, he was meh. he told me he brought it up with his T, said she kind of laughed and told him she'd been working with him for over a year and she thought she'd know if that was one of his problems. then he told me, as if he were bragging about it 'I'm a great liar.' that sealed the deal for me.
*************end TW *****************
after this prideful admission to me, i don't trust a word he says or an action he does. it's part of what is so painful when i know my D2 is interacting with him. i know now that he has his own agenda for everything he says and does. and i guess it's appropriate now that i have a big chunk of a dynamic between he and i resolved, my mind would turn to interactions between he and my D's.
lurking in the background, of course, are still issues w/ icky L, my D1, and my first hub - we haven't really touched on those yet. well, yes, i did get some resolution about icky L, but we hadn't really addressed the dynamic with her, my ex, and me in therapy. awful. i want to get all that cleaned out, but quite honestly, it is scary. the major adjustment i could feel in my brain last week was unnerving, even tho it turned out ok. i'd just never experienced it before.
so, ever onward. no way past this crapola but thru it. but, ugh - it's exhausting at times.
San, it is exhausting especially as you observe when one thing may feel more resolved something else opens up.
Just one shoveful at a time and slowly you'll dig your way through. Wish you had one of those geological core diggers and could just tunnel through all at once! But then you lose the beauty and the treasure you find turning over one shovel at a time. The sight of your resilience, the power of feeling things that have been hidden. Understanding how much you have survived. I truly believe there is deep beauty in the work of coming face to face with what we've been through. If for nothing else but to shore up our ability to be kind and compassionate with ourselves.
rainy, yes it is. yesterday as i was looking at the sky, i noticed lots of black specks flying around (not birds), and i thought - these are all the pieces still to be processed. it was a little daunting. too many of them. thanks for your suppoet. :hug:
armee, i was struck by how you have found beauty in all this. that is the last word i'd use to describe what i've been going thru. i can see beauty in a lot of things, but, maybe because of how i've been feeling while digging thru it all, to me it looks sucky. i may have gotten a bit jaded thru it all, possibly cuz it's been so long of a battle, so difficult of a struggle. i find your perspective interesting, tho. thanks for that, and for all your suppoet. :hug:
yesterday i was a bit wobbly in my system, my mind has been roiled up once more, and i began processing memories of my ex and his sexual inappropriateness with my D's. this stuff hits my mother heart, which is even more tender than my heart for myself. anyway, it's roiling up again, and i have to stop.
Aahhhh. You are exactly right San. This has caused so much pain and distress to the point of your limbs not working. That's not OK to have to go through this new substantial suffering just to be eventually free of the original suffering.
I'll stand by feeling that there's a small benefit to really seeing how much pain has been bottled up, but you shouldn't have to actually go through that pain. No one should. We shouldn't have been treated in a way that requires this work in the first place.
In which case I've gone ahead and placed an order for the Painless Muck Super Core Driller Automatica 3000. It'll dig through a millenia of muck in about 2.2 seconds. It's on backorder through christmas...global supply chain issues...but should arrive by the new year.
:bighug:
armee, love that drill, love you. thanks so much. :hug:
bach, love that big hug - it feels so caring. thank you so. :hug:
got the stress flu today, so i'm taking some time off. i'm gonna cancel my therapy appt. for tues. - i need a break from this. i'll be on the porch, sitting by the fire in the cabin, listening to the water lap on the shore, rocking and knitting and watching fun stuff.
San, I like the plans you have made. I hope it is restorative and nurturing.
:grouphug:
:hug:
Rest up, San.
Sending you care, San. :bighug:
rainy, notalone, armee, and snowdrop - thanks for the hugs and support. :grouphug:
i'm feeling a bit better, but still on tentative ground mentally and emotionally. was able to take a proper walk the other day - my 3rd one in 6 weeks. my brain still needs to rest - i can feel it even as i write. wish i could be more involved, but not now, maybe not for a while. sending love and hugs to you all. :grouphug:
I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. Don't worry about us. Put your own needs first and rest. We care about you and support you no matter what.
Sending you much love and a big squishy hug. I hope you feel better soon. :bighug:
Hi SanMagic,
Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better. Sending love and hugs to you :hug: and hope your brain enjoys some rest, along with the rest of your body - you deserve to rest and recuperate, and I hope you continue to feel better as the time goes on.
Hope :)
:hug:
Rest up, San. Man this work is hard. :(
I worry a bit about your legs ... I know trauma can really affect us physically but I also worry maybe there could be something not psychological going on too, that maybe the stress from the trauma work caused to flare? Take care, Dear San.
love and hugs to you too, San.
thank you all for your caring and support. it has brought warmth to my heart this week.
still feeling unsteady most of the time. the smallest things - like making a phone call for an appt. - can unhinge me. this happened yesterday, and i was buzzing all day, had to take extra meds to calm me. so, very shaky.
armee, thanks for your concern about my legs. i have no doubt you're right. the extra emotions that are coming up are extremely stressful. since being diagnosed with Restless Legs Syndrome, i already suspect a disconnect in some part of my brain, and i also believe stress caused it originally. there was a time i slept well thru the night - it wasn't until relationship/marriage trauma came onto the scene that my sleep took a nosedive. so, yeah. already saturated stress-wise, this therapy work has overwhelmed the system, i have no doubt. love and hugs to you all :grouphug:
:bighug: :bighug:
:grouphug:
I wish you had been treated the way you always deserved to be treated. You're a beautiful kind human.
Thinking of you San.
snowdrop and armee, i so appreciate those hugs. thank you :hug: :hug:
rainy, it's so sweet to know you're thinking of me. thank you. :hug:
a new emotion popped up for me last nite - dread. never felt it before, and it hit me like i was slammed by a brick in the face. tomorrow i go for my booster and flu shots, and as much as i've tried to play off the immediate aftermath i might go thru because of them - i'm prepared, got the food i need, my D will help, i know how to be sick, etc. etc., etc - i think this came on so strongly because i've been feeling so bad for nearly 2 months now - both physically and emotionally. last nite i dreaded the thought that i was going to feel sick again for however many days (someone said it was the happiest sick they'd ever known cuz they knew it was helping their body). i agree with this sentiment, but feeling miserable again, even for a good cause, is overwhelming me at the moment.
i'm so friggin' tired of this crapola, i could cry. we're watching an old tv show called 'merlin', and king arthur has been one of my ideals since i was a child. have always loved this story, and even tho this is a different take on the traditional story, i'm totally into it. knowing what happens to arthur in the end, well, i've already told my D i can't watch the final episode. still, i'm so emotionally invested in this story, i'm crying every time. tonite i'll keep tomorrow in mind and cry about it. i just wish it would stop.
San, I enjoyed watching Merlin awhile ago.
I hope that you don't have a reaction from the booster. Whatever happens, sending you warm care.
Oh i would so be dreading anything that could take me down again, too. I hope that it ends up not affecting you much but when your system is already overwhelmed stessors that should be not too bad in and of themselves can also be too much for the system.
I'll be keeping toes crossed for a barely perceptible impact.
Merlin's great. I must watch it again some time.
I hope you're feeling ok after your flu and booster shots. Sending you care. :bighug:
notalone, armee, snowdrop - your caring hugs and well wishes warm my heart. thank you so. :hug: :hug: :hug:
still feeling crappy. not as bad as the day after, but poopy nonetheless.
therapy this morning. thinking of running it past her my idea of how to tackle these debilitating feelings/emotions inside me. i'm thinking maybe we could actually target what must be there, even if i don't feel it or grasp it. we'll see.
I appreciate the update. I hope you feel better soon and that you accomplished what felt right to do so during your appointment.
Sending you a bunch of beautiful bright flowers...full of iridescent sprigs of berries and frondy green things.
I hope you and T find some tricks that work for what you describe.
It sounds similar to how I have to go through EMDR which is pretty much exclusively following body sensations because there's not much other information to go on. But I'm not sure if that is what you meant . Just writing this now makes me realize though we haven't tried to "install" positive sensations like you would a positive thought....hmmm.
:hug: :hug: to you san.
:grouphug:
rainy, armee, blueberry, notalone - those hugs and warm wishes from you are more than appreciated. thank you all. much love and many hugs back to you :grouphug:
this morning i felt as good as i have since the shots themselves, so i think i'm on the mend. it's been so stressful, tho, that my brain is mush. as i was writing the above thank you's, i made about 5-6 typing errors, something that's unusual for me. my D noticed it last night as well - i couldn't retain one request from her an hour after she gave it. so, i'm officially still off the boards, but wanted you to know i've seen and felt the care from everyone. thank you.
still here, still alive. the stress of this has caused a case of stress flu, which i'm now getting thru. i had a terrible case of despondency this afternoon. i suddenly found myself thinking that i just did not want to do this anymore, i wanted to leave everything behind, wanted to run somewhere away from where i am. it was a terrible feeling, and has since dispersed, but it was awful going thru those kinds of thoughts. i know how close to a very dark place it was.
honestly, even tho i'm getting thru this, it is disheartening to have to continually go thru it one more time, then another one more time. if it weren't for my D . . . see - very dark places to visit.
i've had several dreams today about a man with whom i was involved many years ago in mexico, and some of it, while lovely in the dream, also helped forge those feelings of running away. historically, dreams of mexico are linked to my stress level and wanting to go where i'm not stressed. to me, that was always mexico - in my 20's, i visited a lot with my girlfriends, and it was all fun and laughs for about 2 1/2 yrs. then it ended, he and i ended, and the nightmare life began again. i'm sure it's why i dream of being in mexico even now, when i am stressed. it was my go-to place, and why i chose to run away to it when i couldn't take it up here anymore.
so, lots of thoughts running thru my mind. i talked to my T today about using flash technique on small incidents in my past that would have normally produced pain/hurt at a conscious level, but that i never felt, either at the time or after. she thought i had some good ideas, then came up with one of her own - that we target the actual overwhelm i experience when such feelings/emotions come up now after the fact. i liked the idea, and when i'm 'well', that will be the next thing we'll look at. i've already done some flash on releasing tension from my body - usually my shoulders have moved up nearly to my ears, or forward, as if in a protective position - the past week, and both times i had no adverse effects. i also thought i could feel some relief within my body, but it was subtle. that will be an ongoing project.
that's it for now. happy holidays everyone. i'm looking forward to a lovely weekend w/ my D, resting, recuperating, and enjoying the holiday with her. and, hopefully, continuing to feel better. that takes time and rest - there's no magical treatment for stress flu. love and hugs all around. :grouphug:
Sending you tons of love and support and fresh baked bread butter and jam to accompany you through this rough patch. :hug:
thanks, armee. that sounds so so very good, warmth for both the body and soul. much love and many hugs to you. :hug: :hug: :hug:
finally feeling like i'm going to get thru this. was able to do some chores today, laundry, change bedding, shower, dishes. it felt good to do something physical.
as things are calming down physically, i can feel the anxiety ramping up tonite. dang, is there no end to this? one foot in front of the other - it's all i can do right now, just get from today to tomorrow. your caring and hugs help a lot.
:hug: There are times that's all we can do san. One foot in front of the other. Go from one day to the next or one hour to the next.
thanks blueberry for the encouragement and hug. love it, love you. :hug:
Dear Sanmagic,
I've been meaning to come over and send you a big hug :bighug:
Glad to hear that things are calming down physically, but I know you were feeling some anxiety the other night - and I really hope you were able to sleep ok, and get through it.
Whatever kind of day you've had, know that there's a caring hug for you :hug:
Hope :)
thank you, hope, for that big hug - i can feel the caring that comes with it. :hug:
i'm finally out of the woods re: the aftermath of my 2 vaccines. it was a good week and a half for me before i felt some semblance of normalcy, but i'm very glad i did it this way. i didn't want to go thru it twice.
as always, i'm looking forward to a new year. in the past, i'd hear others in recovery for whatever talk about how much better they felt from year to year. that just wasn't the case for me, and i was always confused about it. looking back, i have no doubt icky L, my relationships, my inability to find decent help for myself, the weather in the desert all those years - so much played a part in keeping me down and feeling worse from year to year. happily, it has gotten better in the past few years, and i know a lot of that has to do w/ living w/ my D. she's treated me so patiently and with so much care, it was, quite frankly, difficult to get used to.
plus, having a decent, knowledgeable T is a big part of the equation.
still, i struggle. anxiety continues to be difficult, especially before bed at night. the smallest things can send me running for meds and cig because i become so disturbed inside. feelings/emotions continue to elude me for the most part, altho some of that has gotten better. i know logically i'm on the upswing, but somehow i can't always realize that. i get stuck in a place that's dismal, dark at times, and feeling neverending.
my T and i are going to try a different approach to this phenomenon of being overwhelmed when unknown emotions/feelings come up while processing a memory. in fact, it was over 2 months ago since the big pain/hurt around my ex's behavior toward me during my pregnancy stopped me in my tracks. hopefully, thurs., we're going to target the overwhelm itself, as if it was its own entity. we'll see how that goes. i'm too scared now of dipping into a memory for fear of what it might bring up, so i've been at a standstill for all this time. dang, it's disheartening.
i want to be brave, like i've always been in my life, but this emotion/feeling/pain/hurt thing is just too big for me to face. i've never encountered anything like it before, mainly cuz i never felt it before. i'm sure not feeling these hurts and pains has been a survival mechanism all my life - i honestly cannot imagine being able to survive it when it happened, and several times i almost didn't. and i have to not go there, have to stay here for my D. she needs me, especially right now, so i have to stay somewhat strong. backing away from the possibility of another overwhelm is how i'm doing that, i guess.
i hope the new year brings resounding relief for all of us.
:bighug:
It's also brave to go slow when that is what is needed. To be respectful of what your body is telling you...to slow down. I had to slow way down to make any progress, too. I felt weak and stupid and ashamed for going so slow but of course it was none of that.
You've been through so so much, San San. It sounds like you've been through even more than you know. I wish you just felt better but you're doing the most you can. Stay here with us, with D. The rest slowly falls into as much place as it can. We can't do more than we can do, sadly. We can't do it all at once. But little tiny tiny steps forward get us further than giant tumbles backward.
Your T sounds amazing, gentle, talented.
And you're enormously brave and strong. I'm so happy you are feeling a little bit better and have D keeping you going when you can't quite muster that will to do it for yourself.
:grouphug:
thanks so much for that big hug, armee. i know there is a lot of caring and warmth within it. and thank you also for your kind and encouraging words. they are so appreciated, you don't even know.
i believe you're right, that i've been thru more than i realize. i have so many memories of what's gone on that hurt me mentally and emotionally - there must be thousands - and i've never acknowledged any of the pain from them before now. little things, big things - i'm beginning to understand just how sensitive i am, have been, that these things could hurt me so badly, even tho there was no overt physical or sexual abuse (for the most part). but, so many things that most people would be able to let go of, could brush off. somehow, i'm just not able to do that.
i'm here with you, with my D. it's my job to help her right now - she's struggling with her own issues that have overwhelmed her. thankfully, we've been able to make a good team and get along gorgeously, supporting each other, allowing each other the space we each need. sometimes it seems so odd, tho. i'm happy to just stay snuggled up in our apt. - maybe because my anxiety kicks my buttola most of the time i have to go out.
at any rate, i'm just toddling along for now. looking forward to begin lifting weights again, now that i think i'm physically ready once more. thank you so much for your acceptance and support. :bighug:
i'm not thinking too much about the new year. i don't see any big change on the horizon. my D and i are going to celebrate with fun foods - lots of appetizers and such - and watch the new year rung in from wherever. don't know if new york's times square is going to happen for sure. and i always enjoy hearing the fireworks. it will be a good new year's eve. i hope everyone can have one of those at least, no matter what happens the next day. wow, am i a debby downer or what?!!! guess that's just where i'm at right now. been thru too much lately to see much light ahead, i guess. ugh!!!
:grouphug
I don't think you are more sensitive or have been through less than others. I think you've been through much more than me and for much longer. I think you are strong to keep working through this trying to feel better. I don't know if I had overt abuse either but I know that what really messed me up was the emotional and psychological abuse and neglect. That's what gripped me and makes healing hard. And you had that abuse from so many people. I don't think you are weak or bothered by small things. I think what you went through would crumple most people.
thanks for those hugs, larry. back atcha :grouphug:
armee, thank you so much for that validation. it felt very important to me to hear you say it. you, too, feel like a dear friend. :hug:
speaking of mental/emotional abuse, and the idea of me being unable anymore to deal with even small things without being on the verge of tears or getting quite disturbed, i brought this up with my t yesterday. she mentioned the word 'brainwashing', and how hard it is to retrieve a mind from the effects of it. i hadn't heard the use of that term, or even thought of it, as applying to me, but once she said it, something clicked inside. it explained so much, and completely fit. and, i can see it as having happened with my F, with my 2 exes, and with icky L. no wonder i felt floaty so much of my life. i had no real sense of myself until the past few years.
that's a disturbing thought now, in light of this new description. very disturbing. and i've felt the disturbance within me since she said it. i need it to settle for a bit. in the meantime, i'm taking it easy on myself. this is a difficult concept to accept.
:hug: :bighug:
thanks, notalone, for those lovely hugs. i can just wrap myself within them and feel just that little bit safer. :hug:
:bighug:
My T has described this as brainwashing, too. Many times. It is and it started so early. And for you it came from many directions including your spouses and therapist and employer and family. That is so disorienting! How do you stand firm in yourself and your worth and sanity like that? Somehow you have. I was only brainwashed by one person and it was by one person without evil intent. And it has destroyed my sense of worth and left me shame-filled and frozen. Just a fraction of what you have been through. You have so much strength to keep going and not just accept a limited way of living. :cheer:
Hi SanMagic,
I hope that you and your daughter enjoyed the New Year celebrations you had planned - it sounded fun. I want to send you lots of hugs and wish you the best for this new year. :hug: :hug:
Your realization about 'brain washing' - I relate to that too. I think my family made me feel brain washed, and a bit like they were a cult - that's something I feel, I don't know if you feel similarly - but I wanted to share that I relate to that word.
One more big hug :bighug:
Hope :)
hey, armee, thanks for such encouraging and kind words. as you know, we are all different. i don't know exactly how i made it thru everything with some sense of sanity left. i do know that i've had remarkable survival skills put into place from somewhere outside of me. call it what you will, i have had a lot of help. i also believe that my former personality traits, such as arrogance, telling stories to myself about things that happened to make them tolerable, and the lack of feelings all kept me alive. i do know that i needed to be here right now to help my D with her ongoing struggles.
the brainwashing thing has kicked my butt. more further down. i wish you hadn't had to experience it even once. thank you for your support, and that big hug, my dear. so appreciated. :hug:
hope, thank you - we really did enjoy our new year celebrations. one of our traditions is to watch 'jay and silent bob strike back' on new year's day. it's our super fun way to start another year. as far as the cult thing, i definitely see that with my first T, icky L. she groomed her clients to believe her as always right about their issues, created a support group where we discussed our issues as defined by her, and took me that extra step in making me an employee and confidante/best friend, following her word unquestioningly. i'm sorry you experienced it. love that big hug! :hug:
i did a little research into brainwashing techniques. i love researching anything that's going on with me or meds i'm ingesting, and the like. i've been quite disturbed about this concept being a part of my life since it was mentioned to me last week, have had a difficult time coping with it. quite disturbing, actually. when i looked up techniques, i saw it all very clearly, from the time i was born from my F. and i can now see why i felt unformed by the time i met icky L in my 30's - i truly had no sense of self.
one of the things about the brainwashing process is that we are usually given just enough to stay in the relationship, even when we could get out. of course, as a child, we can't get out, so we're trained and retrained not to be who we really are, but rather who's the best version for the others to manage and manipulate, usually thru guilt and shame. in adult relationships, the idea of not knowing our own selves plays into more of the same, even tho we're old enough to get out, to utilize adult resources, there's just enough to keep us in. it's the most insidious process, and the one i can see with my 2 exes and D1. i stayed too long with all of them, to my and my D's detriment.
i've got therapy tomorrow, so i'll talk more about this. when it came up last week, a profound sadness for myself covered me like a nearly suffocating blanket. i truly feel sorry for the me who had to battle her way from one to the next and next and next and next. it's so disheartening to me, makes me want to run away, leave, not deal with any of this anymore, get and stay numb somehow. but, i won't.
:grouphug:
Wishing for a mostly peaceful week for you. Your butt doesn't need any more kicking. You've had quite enough!
Oh my gosh I forgot about Jay and Silent Bob!!!!
:rofl: you made my morning, armee. on both butt kicking and J&SB - don't know why i love their raunchy ways, but they tickle my funny bone every time! thanks for the peaceful wishes.:hug:
i realized when i was writing about the brainwashing thing, the same happened to me as when i was reading about it - i had to stop, couldn't read it over, couldn't finish all the information in front of me. it was all way too distressing for me to revisit the words and their meaning. therapy today, so hopefully i'll be able to process this away, but the sudden thought that just came to me is how much might come up, even with flash technique. it covers too many people, too many types of relationships, over too long a period of time. oh, glory me. just too much.
we'll have to find a way to do this a piece at a time, i think. once again, this long history of mine works to my disadvantage. it can be helpful in that i can relate to so many others on one level or another, but trying to get thru it myself become too much.
i feel like i'm rambling. my thoughts are all over the place in my head.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on January 04, 2022, 05:52:34 AM
she groomed her clients to believe her as always right about their issues, created a support group where we discussed our issues as defined by her, and took me that extra step in making me an employee and confidante/best friend, following her word unquestioningly.
Quite some time ago, I read your blog about that therapist. Reading this now I feel :pissed:.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on January 04, 2022, 03:40:45 PM
we'll have to find a way to do this a piece at a time, i think.
Sounds wise. :grouphug: :bighug:
hey notalone, thanks for the anger toward her for me. yesterday i told my T i suddenly had a glimmer of anger peek out thru the sadness i was feeling, so i appreciate knowing from others that anger is warranted. i've struggled w/ that my entire life. thanks for you vote of confidence, too. :hug:
had a rough day after therapy yesterday. still not processing the brainwashing concept - i'm too scared about what may come up because so many people at different points of my life, and as different relationships (daughter, mother, client, wife). my life's abuse is so intertwined with so many people, it's difficult to concentrate on one thing without others popping up and overtaking my mind, in a very bad way.
my T tells me she believes this will be able to be sorted out before too long. hmmm, i've worked with her for over 2 years, and we're only seeing now how this works on me. processing can produce not only mental and emotional disruption, but physical as well. that's another way i've survived, i guess - my body has taken on the brunt of emotions and pain that i could never feel at the time. now, i'm so super saturated with the past that any little stressor, even having to talk to a stranger on the phone, can send me running for medicinal aid.
something i found interesting yesterday was the idea of grief. my D told me she has a lot of grieving to do, that she hasn't really done it properly for many different situations. i told her i know i have a lot of grief inside, but i don't want to go thru the grieving process cuz i'm afraid there's too much hurt and pain i'd have to feel. that's what happened nearly 3 mos. ago when i processed my ex and my pregnancy. i shed a lot of tears, which was ok, but the pain i felt completely overtook me, doubled me over, and caused me 2 mos. of physical distress - i lost my legs several times, was too sensitive to continue watching some of the shows we were into, and the tension and stress of it caused stress flu several time.
nope, too scared to grieve. i remember it was 8 yrs. after my mother died, 19 yrs. after my father died that i broke thru and cried for them, for the loss and grief. that was about 38 yrs. ago. it was actually cathartic at the time, but i suspect that was because i hadn't become over-saturated yet by him, my D1, and icky L. then i grieved for my ex's apathy and disconnection while i was pregnant 3 mos. ago. i don't want to go thru that again.
i swear, i'm finding another, completely different compartment of issues being thrust in my face. i told my T she has the hope for both of us, cuz i don't, but i will continue to show up and do the work. whatever comes from that, at least i know i gave it everything i had.
It's so hard, san. I feel similarly about the somatic therapy I've been doing for a few months. I want to stop hurting my body, stop disregarding her needs and stuffing her with my emotional burdens, but how can I possibly change what I've done all my life to survive? My somatic therapist tells me that it can change, it will change, she has seen it change, and I want very much to believe, but I'm just not sure. Showing up to do the work is all we can do, and giving it all you have is brave and right. Although visions of a healthy, stable, untraumatised life might not be realistic, there can at least be improvement. IF we do show up and do the work. So, big :cheer: :thumbup: :applause: to you for hanging in there the best you can and not giving up :bighug: :hug: :yourock:
thanks so much, bach, for those words of encouragement and for 'seeing' me. this somatic stuff just helps keep me feeling off center. can't find any space to turn and stand my ground when i'm physically getting hit over and over. so very sorry you experience the same thing. it's rough. kudos right back atcha :applause: :cheer: for showing up and continuing to do the work as well. :hug:
San, I hope you find some ease with the whole body experiences you are encountering.
:bighug:
:hug:
It's OK to not face some things right now...the brainwashing parts or the grieving. It's OK to wait. :hug:
rainy, i do, too. this plugging and popping of my ear is annoying, irritating. to say nothing of the tension i continue to hold and how that brings pain to my muscles. it seems like i long time since i've felt 'good'. :hug:
owl, thanks so much for the hug. loved it! :hug:
armee, i so appreciate your words. i have to admit i'm distressed, have been since hearing about brainwashing. it's good to hear it from someone else i don't have to deal with it right now. thanks. :hug:
therapy tomorrow. guess i'll take a break from processing, maybe just talk about all this instead. i don't think i'm quite as afraid of the 'overwhelm' as i have been, so that seems like progress. i think my brain just needs a break.
well, instead of taking a break, i processed a lot, came up with a lot, took a 2-hr. nap later because of brain fatigue. in the end, i haven't felt this good in a long time. yep, something to be glad about. i'm too tired to talk more now, maybe later. :cheer:
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: for not having felt that good in a long time! Way to go, san! :yahoo: :boogie:
Hi SanMagic,
That is great. :cheer:
Hope you have a refreshing rest after all that processing, and sending you a heartfelt hug :hug:
Hope :)
:bighug: :fireworks:
Oh that is a HUGE relief for you! And what courage to go and to process so that you could get here now.
These moments of relief are so so important because it is a mental and physical reminder of what feeling good feels like, what we are aiming for, and that we possess the ability to live in that space. It's like the North Star for me when those moments happen.
I'm so happy for you! You worked so damned hard and courageously.
thanks for the cheers, blueberry. this does feel like something to celebrate. :hug:
hope, i so appreciate your cheer for me, and i can feel the heart in your hug. thanks :hug:
oh armee i loved both the fireworks and that wonderful hug. thank you for all your support. feels wonderful. :hug:
just got finished with a big shopping for groceries jaunt, so i'm beat. also had to clear up a billing mistake, and that took even more out of me.
what's helping me feel more better (love that phrase!) is a new perspective on how my body has been acting as a teammate with my brain/mind. i can see now how my body has taken on so much that my mind wasn't able to handle over the years. now, instead of feeling disheartened by the aches and pains, i know they're signs of the overload with regard to emotions i hadn't been able to feel and/or express throughout my life.
taking a page out of blueberry's book, i'm more willing to accept this mind/body connection as something pos., something that's helped me keep my sanity and allowed me the strength to carry on staying alive. i had a series of images while i was processing that went from the concept of being overwhelmed mentally and emotionally to eventually being able to shore up brain and mind with wood and concrete (my images) to finally knowing they both need to feel their strength from within rather than band-aid-like constructs. feeling that strength caused me to create the new perspective of teamwork.
yes, it hasn't always been smooth sailing, has often been neg. choices, but they've all gotten me here, alive and mostly sane. i'm thankful for that now and am not as harsh with myself for 'messing up' with decisions i've made. they were necessary at the time, and now i'm working on accepting that. we all have to come to our own place in our own way and time, i guess. i'm just thankful i've lived long enough to get to this point.
San, I appreciate the thought that our bodies and minds are working together to try to care for us. It is a good reminder for me too that my body is on my side and trying to keep me safe.
yes, rainy - it was a good realization for me as well. glad it was a pos. reminder for you. :hug:
therapy was interesting. i'll talk more about it tomorrow. i'm very tired from it tonite, but it was good. just intense. i do feel like i'm making some progress.
:hug:
I just love that feeling of progress. One gift of therapy...done well by the therapist and client...progress is noticeable and remarkable really.
You have worked so hard and so courageously to feel better. It is not easy to keep showing up when body and mind feel like they are rebelling mightily.
I really appreciated your insights into the mind/body connection, your appreciation of how your body absorbed the trauma to protect your mind all those years. And the images...wood and concrete to build up that strength from within...like preparing for the hurricane, knowing you've got this.
Your gift of imagery is so powerful!
thank you, armee, for such kind and caring words. so appreciated. in the past i've found imagining things to be difficult if not impossible at times. never made up stories for my kids, that kind of thing. now, when processing, the images are coming of their own accord. can't explain it, but i'm glad of it. i think it may be part of the progress, that those parts of my brain which were shut down are now beginning to open up? i don't know.
yesterday after therapy i felt kind of woozy all day, very tired. we processed guilt as a concept, then a particular memory of me sitting on my dad's knee, and he asking the question (this was just before christmas and i was young enough to still believe in santa ) 'were you a good girl this year?" that question froze me. having been taught to be honest and perfect, i literally couldn't answer the question. i knew i hadn't been perfect, had done some naughty things, so i couldn't say i was good, but i was afraid to say i was bad cuz then i wouldn't get presents from santa. it was the most rock-solid dilemma i've ever faced in my life.
i don't doubt i ended up crying, but i don't remember ever being able to answer the question. could not correlate being imperfect with being good. during processing, the first image that came to mind (my T told me to distance myself, so i looked at the image from the other side of a football field) was me slapping my dad in the face for putting me in such a horrid position. then i got off his lap and drop-kicked him over the goalposts! it felt right and satisfying - plus gave me some insight into the amount of anger i've had bottled up in me all these years.
did another set and i finally came to the conclusion that good and perfect are not necessarily equals. i could've said i was a good girl without believing that was a lie, even tho i hadn't been perfect. it's amazing to me how something so seemingly simple could have had such an iron-clad grasp on me nearly my whole life. and guilt has been tightly wrapped around that concept without me consciously knowing it.
the perspective of your brain/mind working as a team with the body sounds :thumbup: all sorts of teams falter here and there, just like they have their successes here and there, and it's good the team has helped keep you alive, now with the healing and digging. and that team didn't need to be perfect to get you here. it really seems like there's going to be lots of little particular memories that somehow have a hold on us, but good for you for processing this (and picturing the angry response to guilt, at that!)
thanks, tea. your support is so appreciated. :hug:
still feeling pretty good. that's an accomplishment all by itself - or at least that's how it feels. ear is still wonky, but if seems to be less most of the time. i just hate that it takes so long.
i've dreamed about returning to college many times, either to finish a class that i'd neglected and it kept me from graduating, or going to other schools around the country, around the world, even, just to see what the experience might be like. always lived in dorms in these dreams, so also met new people. but, the other night, i dreamed that i graduated, and people wanted to celebrate with me, but i felt very unsettled about that aspect, turned down invitations, and basically distanced myself from the whole thing. (now, i have been to college, have a master's degree, so returning to finish up must have some other, underlying meaning rather than reality) i do remember saying that i've graduated plenty of times, don't want to be part of it again or some such thing.
when i woke up, it was disturbing to me, felt the disturbance within. looking up the meaning online, it said graduation was a symbol of finishing something and being ready to move on to new challenges. maybe that's what felt disturbing - the new and the unknown. i've been continuing in school in my dreams for many years, and it felt safe and fun and exciting, altho i did worry about not having a class finished in order to get my degree - and graduate! i supposed the new and unknown can be scary, and i am venturing into pieces of my life in order to process them out of having neg. influences on me in the present.
is this a sign that i'm upset at something being finished? or upset that i'm on my way to new and different? i dont' know. however, thinking of what we've begun delving into in therapy, it is rather frightening to dig into some aspects of the much, like my emotions or realizations of the truth. i guess we'll see.
:bighug:
Im in awe at what you are able to remember and process during EMDR and have no doubt that is because of all the hard work you are putting in.
Thats really interesting timing for the recurring dream. I wonder what your subconscious sees as being finished? Or perhaps what is being left out unfinished as you move on to other subjects in therapy?
You are an amazing human and an inspiration!
;)
love that hug, notalone. thanks :hug:
your kind words, armee, sent a smile spinning to my face and it just won't wipe off right now. i have no idea about what's finished, or what my mind thinks is finished. maybe it's related to not feeling so crappy after 3 mos. of it. maybe i'll discover it along the way. at any rate, thank you for being you. :hug:
thanks for the smile and wink, larry. :hug:
therapy yesterday. we decided to tackle my anxiety around doing therapy. i guessed it was because i've had some pretty crummy T's in the past. then the idea came to me that i do not trust people, including therapists, including the one i have now, to keep me safe, altho she has been nothing but great in my mind. she reminded me about the many times my legs have gone out after a session with her, or feeling sick from the emotional charge i underwent. so, ok, yeah. therapy has been a not-so-great experience for me too many times.
we decided to take a look at me in therapy from a distance, so i placed myself in a chair in front of a desk on the other side of a football field. the first set i could see myself leaving the chair, having a difficult time sitting there. but the second set told the real story. suddenly, icky L's face popped into my mind. the root of all my therapy problems. it was horrible to see her. it was like i froze at the sight of her. my T told me she wanted to kick her head off, and i told her to go ahead. it was a great moment for both of us.
i saw icky L's head go flying, rolling across the end zone, and i was able to get back into the therapy chair, rearrange the desk so it was to the side of me, and have my present T sitting there. that felt good, and then i saw myself walking down the field to meld with that distant self. after that happened, i wanted the real me to meld with the two of them so that i was whole, but it just didn't happen. don't know why, but it didn't feel bad, either.
my T and i talked about her kicking icky L's head off, and she said she wasn't normally supposed to interfere like that, but she got caught up in the moment and couldn't help herself. i told her i was so very glad she did it, cuz it was showing me she had my back and would stick up for me, an experience i've had very little experience with in my life. similar to when people here on the forum write they're mad at someone on my behalf - that always warms my heart so very much.
i did one more set where i thought about getting a front loading dump truck, scooping the pieces of icky L up and taking them to a dump, but something in my mind told me i couldn't do that, i was going to have to work through my issues with her before i could get completely rid of her. it makes sense. there's so much there to unpack, that have taken up permanent lodging in my mind. it's been over 35 years since i started with her - that's a long time to be carrying such terribly harmful baggage.
my T has been especially upset by the whole icky L thing from the first time i'd mentioned it to her. it's been something that has gnawed at her from the beginning, felt absolutely disgusted with that woman and what she did to me. my T told me it felt cathartic for her to do the kicking thing, and we both had a great laugh together. it was a wonderful moment for me. she also told me that being anxious about therapy was perfectly normal for me, especially because of the trauma attached to it. that put my mind at ease, somewhat, knowing i'm not just being stupid about it or something.
at any rate, onward, ever onward.
That's a fantastic story about your T kicking icky L's head off. I know that therapists always try to maintain a professional distance but it can be such a powerful validating moment when one who really cares and understands breaks that barrier once in a very great while. I had a moment like that with the therapist I saw for 17 years who really got me on the road to healing after my lifetime of mostly bad therapy, and I'll never forget it. It really emboldened me to start understanding that what my mother did to me was wrong.
Hugs and warm good thoughts to you, san :hug: :hug: :hug:
Sounds like quite a good step with this T! I am a very visual thinker, so I can see how that kicking was cathartic. Wishing you the best, :hug:
It makes so so much sense that you would feel anxious about therapy given how much it has knocked you over even during "good" therapy and just especially especially with everything with Icky l. I am extra impressed that your T did not try to sugar coat the difficulties of therapy that have occurred even recently with her as your T. More over you and your T are such a great team, deciding together what to do, how to tackle (pardon the pun) what you are working on. I'm so glad she kicked icky Ls head off and did not insist you do it yourself. Sometimes we need to see others stand up for us, to see that we are worth it and that what happened to us is bad enough to make others upset on our behalf.
What happened to you was bad enough that your T would like to kick her head off.
Keep going, good call to not haul Icky L off to the dump just yet.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on January 15, 2022, 05:41:14 PM
but something in my mind told me i couldn't do that, i was going to have to work through my issues with her before i could get completely rid of her. it makes sense. there's so much there to unpack, that have taken up permanent lodging in my mind. it's been over 35 years since i started with her - that's a long time to be carrying such terribly harmful baggage.
A hurtful event from my previous T still affects me and it shows up in current therapy. That was one incident with a mostly good T and a good person, who was human and not perfect. Your situation was long, complex, messy, harmful, unprofessional and abusive. The harm she caused is equal, if not greater, than the harm caused by an abusive parent. Give yourself time and grace as you heal from her poison.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on January 15, 2022, 05:41:14 PM
my T and i talked about her kicking icky L's head off, and she said she wasn't normally supposed to interfere like that, but she got caught up in the moment and couldn't help herself. i told her i was so very glad she did it, cuz it was showing me she had my back and would stick up for me, an experience i've had very little experience with in my life. similar to when people here on the forum write they're mad at someone on my behalf - that always warms my heart so very much.
I am so glad that your T did that! I understand that Ts want to empower their clients, but sometimes we need them to stand up for us. It is powerful and caring to stand up for someone and to protect them.
bach, thanks for all that you said. my T did mention first that it was what she wanted to do, and i gave her permission. it was the best! i can still see that head rolling around in the end zone, and i makes me happy. :hug:
cactus flower, thanks for the support. much appreciated. :hug:
yeah, armee, it was good, now that you mention it, that she didn't shy away from being honest about how even therapy with her has been, at times, pretty rough. i love her honesty, her willingness to check things out with me first and not just be arrogant in the way that she thinks she knows it all. icky L was always like that, and many of us joined her 'cult' cuz we believed she knew all the answers. and thanks for the validation about not hauling icky L off just yet. there really are too many huge pieces to work thru. taking on the whole thing would overwhelm me, put me in a very bad place, i'm sure. :hug:
notalone, thank you so much for all that validation. it's good to hear it from someone else, not just stirring it over and over in my mind, hoping my perspective on it is true. i guess there are different ways to empower a client, too. her taking over for me in that moment was empowering for me in that it gives me the reassurance that she's got my back so i can feel safer going forward, continue to work and take risks with it. :hug:
the last few days i've been claiming my 'space', decorating my room, putting up shelves to hold my books, and surrounding myself with my own odds and ends that i've collected over the years which have special meaning to me. it's been good to have enough energy to be agle to do this, but what's come up this morning is some extraordinary anxiety around it. it's like i'm proclaiming that i want to stay here at the same time, what with being upended from places so often, i found myself scared to think this could be permanent, that i can simply relax and enjoy myself and my space.
my D has voiced a couple times lately her own fears about the same thing, which fed into my own. i've been able to empty some boxes and toss them, but what if . . . what if she can't work and we end up having to leave? (she's been struggling with her own issues lately, hasn't been able to work for a few months. luckily we had some savings and have been able to live off that, and we're hoping she'll qualify for disability to give her time to heal, but that's still up in the air). our untimely move from the house on the coast still has its grips in us, which wad less than a year ago. plus the traumatic nightmare of the move itself.
so, i did all this stuff for myself and it scared the crapola outta me upon realizing what it meant. i will say it again - dang, i hate this! no rest, no relaxation, no time to just enjoy. i love my room, and it's feeling more and more like a sanctuary, but then this fear creeps in and rattles everything good out of me. just make it to tomorrow - that's all i gotta do. and i have therapy in the morning, so that will probably help. i hope so. until then, i'll just rely on getting thru the day.
Thinking of you san :hug: :bighug:
Getting through the day can definitely be a big accomplishment and a noble goal. I see your act of setting up your belongings, like you belong, as planting your flag in the ground. You and your daughter have found this place. You have a right to make it your own and to claim happiness while you are there no matter what happens tomorrow next month or next year. Enjoying it...feeling at peace...is scary because you don't know how long, or how much it will hurt when it's over. It is brave and self-loving to say you know what? I don't know how long I'm here...but right now? This is mine and I deserve to enjoy it and to be happy. Mine. :hug:
I have been decorating my bedroom, working on making it my safe space. I feel the peace and joy of that and at the same time I feel anger and resentment that my H took the bigger bedroom and that I am so disrupted. I understand holding two very different feelings about the room. With all the moves you have had to make, your fears make a lot of sense. I am glad that you are decorating in a way that is pleasing to you. I wish you could just completely enjoy it, but I understand your anxiety.
blueberry, as always, thank you for those hugs. they warm my heart. :hug:
armee, i took what you wrote to heart, am pushing thru the fear in having my room the way i want. i took down some lights from a branch i have over my bed - didn't like those wires clouding up the natural beauty of the branch. it was a tough decision cuz i know my D will remark on it - she loved the lights on it. still, it didn't suit me somehow, and i like it better bare. :hug:
notalone, i feel for you on the whole bedroom thing. i know your situation is different than mine, but i'm really glad that you are making it a safe space for you in spite of how your H hurt you by keeping the big room. i am sorry for that, but glad you're pushing ahead for yourself as best you can. :hug:
feeling pretty good lately. i've recently gotten 2 nephews back into my life via e-mails, and while it's cool to have more family in my life, it's also reminding me of how much energy i need - and don't always have - to keep up correspondence with them. i have been able to hold my own by not always immediately writing back, but giving myself a few days to let what they say settle. that's actually a big step for me - having been taught ' NOW ' when addressed as a child, it's been a difficult one to sit myself back and allow myself time and energy to respond when i want, rather than from an expectation to write back immediately. oooh, these old messages can be difficult to stamp out!
my last session i talked about my anxiety again re: therapy, and laid all my past T's out for my present T. it turns out that 4 out of 5 therapists i've had were either harmful to me or abandoned me (as in leaving w/o a word), my present T being the only exception. she told me she's discovering how many bad T's there are out there by the number of times she's had to do emdr processing on the issue with other clients.
she wondered if it were just personal issues that had gotten in the way, and we went thru them all bit by bit, but icky L was the only one i could tell whose issues got in the way and spelled them out - misogynist, control freak, sex addict, and god complex (she once told me i could be judas to her). she also fostered a cult, and we followed her like little ducklings. anyway, we're going to work more on that in future sessions, but since i'm getting a sick feeling in my gut, i can tell there's a lot of trauma just writing this, so i'll stop.
San, I appreciate you sharing about the pause between receiving communication and responding. It is tough to not react immediately especially if we need more time. I hope you keep finding what supports your energy.
thanks, rainy :hug:
just needed to write this down, get it out of me. i mentally collapsed under the feeling of how much pain they caused me.
suppressed, hidden, frozen emotions came out today. once in a dream during a nap - i was shamed and judged by my mother and felt self-loathing. never felt that before in real life, but this is the second time i've had a disturbing dream about feeling a neg. emotion toward myself that i'd never felt in real life.
also tonight, i began sobbing, and i knew it was from the mental/emotional pain and hurt caused by the people in my life. i feel pretty miserable .they hurt me pretty bad.
San, I am thinking of you.
I want wrap the softest blanket around your shoulders and give you a gentle safe hug, San. I feel so much sadness for what you've been through. It's so weird and scary to feel these emotions. I wish you were never hurt so bad. I do hope the tears, while terrible to feel and remember, are healing when they are over. You deserved to have your parents and everyone in your life treat you with tenderness.
Thinking of you san. I'm sorry you're going through such painful memories, reliving them in the present. :hug:
thanks for all the kindnesses rainy, armee, and blueberry.
feeling quite fragile right now. had to do phone stuff getting things set up to do errands on wed. talking to strangers, no matter how patient and gentle and helpful they are is upsetting, and i'm not sure why.
Lots of tender care for you, San.
having computer problems for 2 weeks - see you when i can
Good luck on your computer issues and gentle hugs for everything else!
Hi SanMagic,
I just caught up with some things you'd written about in your journal here, and I wanted to send you a supportive hug, and just say I'm thinking of you :hug: I also hope that your computer issues are able to sorted out ok.
Hope :)
thank you both, cactus flower and hope for the hugs and for thinking of me. i so appreciate it. :hug: :hug:
i wrote here earlier, but it got eliminated. can't write too much now, cuz even writing what i wrote disturbed me too much. needless to say, i am feeling very unsettled, like there's a distrubance in my force or something. too many things have come up in the past few weeks that i've worked on, but only once, fri., has it felt like some kind of closure. the rest are till up in the air, messing with my mind. as much as i'm in the trauma business, it's still so difficult to believe emotional and mental traumatizations have left me feeling like this, over and over. i'm struggling.
several times in the past 3 weeks or so i've gotten the urge to run away. just run. get out of here, it was frightening to me to think that, and it's mostly gone away, but this unsettled business is buggin' me. i think some of it also has to do with the world scene. that's unsettling by itself, at least to me.
ok, i want to go to sleep soon, so have to stop writing. i've missed you all. :grouphug:
:hug:
I understand feeling like running away. :hug:
I'm glad you are here.
armee, thank you for being you. i'm glad you're here, too. :hug:
another example happened last nite. watching a fun rom-com with my D, they talked about the movie 'camelot'. it ended up being such a huge trigger for me that i sobbed thru the rest of the movie, felt gutted, lost my legs. still don't have them back. don't know when i'll get full use of them again. what that trigger did was tap into un-felt feelings and emotions from him dumping me over 50 yrs. ago - feelings and emotions i didn't have at the time, couldn't recognize, and certainly didn't feel. well, last nite i felt all the hurt and pain that breakup included, felt it all at once for the first time ever. that's what i mean by this stuff coming up over and over again.
it takes me by surprise every time. that rom-com was supposed to be a fun, enjoyable time, and instead i wound up feeling the wounds to my heart i'd never felt before. one good thing was that i let them play out, sat with them, but the results with my legs is the cost of doing that. it's so frustrating, tiring, wearing, and disheartening. i had to cancel a visit w/ a friend today cuz i'm still so heartbroken and raw..
i've lived a lot of life, survived it all in some way or another, but now that my brain is beginning to unfreeze, i'm also paying the price for having survived. sometimes it feels like it's too much and i don't want to do this anymore.
Sending you all the love and good thoughts, san :hug: :hug: :bighug:
:hug:
Gentle hugs, San.
In my mind I'm gently draping a warm blanket over you and softly placing a warm cup of tea next to you.
This hurts. It is pain that rudely sneaks up on you when you are enjoying yourself and you never know when it's going to hit. You'll work your way through it and regain some stance but it might take long, longer than is fair. Gentle hugs if they are welcome...
:hug:
It seems so unfair to have to pay such a hefty price so much later on... for surviving.
I hear your pain and I'm sorry that it is so much!
Sending best wishes for some peace and relief from your struggles.
bach, larry, and CF - thanks for the hugs while i've been going thru this. they were so appreciated. :hug: :hug: :hug:
armee, hugs are always welcome. thanks for your support so very much. :hug:
phil, thanks for reaching out. your words of support and kind wishes felt wonderful. :hug:
my legs have finally gotten nearly all the way better today, but the pain, while lessening, still lingers. i've never really felt heartbreak before this, and the realization of how badly i'd been hurt, how much pain i've been carrying about this one episode in my life was an eye opener. there is so much more of this inside me that hasn't surfaced yet, and i dread getting to know it in the future.
as disheartening as it is to know there's going to be more, i also logically know it's better to get it out if i want to stay sane and alive for more years to come. i don't want to think too much about what this could look like in the future, but i know there's no way out but through. everyone's support here helped me a lot. part of having this happen tells me i'm in a safe enough place now for my mind to allow it. another part lets me know the enormity of what i survived. this chunk was probably the smallest - there are so many more relationships that have caused me pain that haven't been fully dealt with, or even explored.
i wish i could just curl up and let my time run out, without having to face these issues, but that gate has been opened now so there's no turning back. i'll just have to brave whatever pops its head up on the horizon and muster through. sucks.
San, it does suck to have to move through this to get to the other side. I admire you embracing this even when it is painful and unsettling. I find it so wild how our bodies hold onto things and the experience of it being released.
:hug:
rainy and armee, thanks for the hugs and support :hug:
i feel miserable tonite, unsettled, as rainy mentioned. i think i'm finally grieving my first love, something i really hadn't done before. i hate it.
:hug: :bighug:
It's heartbreaking, San. I wish I could magically speed up the whole process. :bighug:
thank you bach and armee for those wonderfully warm, embracing hugs. love them! :hug: :hug:
i've been reading one of richard feynman's books and he wrote something i thought interesting. it was a realization of his that he's not responsible for the expectations of others, that not living up to them does not mean he failed, but that they had made a mistake. it struck home for me as someone who has lived most of her life according to the expectations of others that i be perfect or give more than i'm able, and the subsequent belief that if i don't i will be tossed aside and/or rejected. i can see now how i did hold myself responsible to live up to expectations of others and failed over and over.
feynman's realization of putting the responsibility where it belongs felt very comforting. the idea that i have been either rejected or pushed over the edge cuz i didn't live up to others' expectations, no matter what the circumstance - personal, professional, family, children, husbands, friends, any and all relationships - it really wasn't my expectations for myself, but ones that were placed on my shoulders at a very young age. no wonder my posture isn't the greatest - i've been carrying those around for many decades. time to do a little atlas shrugging and be ok with me as i am.
Wow that is a super powerful way to think about things. Thank you for sharing that. That perspective could really help with imposter syndrome stuff that drove me away from work.
Are your legs holding you up at the moment?
hey, armee,
yes, my legs have been good since last fri. i've been able to walk outdoors, which, as spring is on its way, is especially heart and soul nourishing. thanks for asking.
i would've never thought of the imposter syndrome in feynman's context, but now that you mention it, i think it fits quite well. i'm glad you got something which might be helpful for you. i'm finding him an extraordinary read, and i'm not normally one for autobiographies and the like. this guy's the real deal at the same time he's a friggin' genius. quite the combination! :hug:
Hi sanmagic, i hope you have a great day today
thanks, larry, and back atcha :hug:
worked on decreasing the impact of my emotions/increasing my ability to feel them safely (so as not to have my legs go wonky each time). we used the flash technique, and my mind wandered off, which indicated to me that this is a difficult place for me to go. eventually, after i talked about how there have only been a few extraordinary moments in my life when i could feel pos. things, like happiness and love and joy - all the good stuff that makes life worth living, i guess. altho i know situations where those kinds of emotions/feelings would have been appropriate and natural to feel, i can count on one hand how many times in my life i've ever actually felt them.
so, i began processing the idea again, and what came up was a large plexiglas bulletproof shield in front of me. i could see my D on the other side, knew that she loves me, but the shield wouldn't let her feeling of love thru to me. because of that, while i know it on an intellectual level, i can't feel it. then again, i can't feel the love i have for others, either. i remember feeling that only once - it was when i was in mex. and my hub and i had rescued a cat. fun cat, played like a dog, almost.
anyway, one nite the cat was laying, purring on my lap, and i was stroking it, and a wave of love for that cat washed over me. it was a wonderful feeling, but i ended up near tears. i told my hub what had just happened, said this was something i never felt with my daughters. i knew i loved them, but i'd never really felt it.
so, back to the shield. once i became aware of it, my mind wanted to wander again, but i forcefully pulled it back to this problem and wondered what could cause the shield to not be there. one thing that finally came to mind was melting, and i directed my attention to the shield purposefully. sure enough, one top corner of it began to get a bit mushy, crumpled a bit. that's all we could do for now, but it is a start. i had to stop, cuz i didn't want that shield to come down too quickly - i know i would be overwhelmed to near paralysis if i could suddenly feel everything!
we'll see. it's awfully frightening to think of being able to feel at the same time it would be so lovely to have those positives show their faces for me. i'm almost in tears as i write that. the few times i did feel them, i was in awe. i know i'm loved, but the few times i could feel it from the person saying it was as if my heart was able to connect with their heart. hard to come by. a thought just occurred to me - i've been running in one way or another most of my life, keeping busy, doing stuff, accomplishing things that maybe i haven't been slow enough to feel the good things coming my way. or the grief, fear, anger, etc., either. maybe that's been my defense mech. against the awful stuff, but it flowed over to block the pos. stuff as well. i'll bring it up on fri.
San, I appreciate you sharing this experience. I was especially impacted by the idea of the mind wandering as it approaches discomfort and of feeling pure love for a cat/animal that is difficult to feel for others. I don't have any insights, I just felt this too and I hope you are able to find a way to make a hole through or way around the thick glass if that is what you would like.
:bighug:
Your mind is truly amazing, San. I am so impressed by your wisdom to only very slowly melt that shield. I am also in awe of the powers of your insight and imagination and can imagine how lucky your own clients are to benefit from that creative imaginative problem solving.
I will be sitting here with fingers crossed that the backdraft from this work is minimal and measured and that you can slowly start to feel the good things and keep those legs working. You can do this! Slowly slowly, just as you are going. You are amazing and I can't wait until you can truly feel all that love coming in to you.
thanks, rainy, for the empathy and support. a part of me would like that barrier to be out of the way, in order to let the good feelings in, and i may be making some headway on that. however, it's also what's helped me stay sane and survive by keeping the neg., hurtful feelings at bay. tricky balance. :hug:
thanks for that lovely big hug, bach. love it! :hug:
armee, thank you for such kind words. reading your response was interesting to me on a personal/emotional level. when i read your last sentence, i could feel the warmth radiate thru my body, could feel the love behind it. i also almost immediately swatted at it, as if i didn't want to acknowledge it. that's why i'm writing this. it did happen, it felt really warm and loving, and it was difficult for me to let it in and be with it. thank you for providing me with that, my dear. it was very special. :hug:
the idea that i wanted to swat such a good feeling away, didn't want to give weight to it, wanted to run from it tells me a lot about myself. as much as i want those feelings, i'm so uncomfortable with them i can't get away from them fast enough. the feeling of love for the cat lasted about 10 min. or so, then just disappeared. the same has happened with people. it's there, fleeting, gone. the idea of being comfortable with pos. emotions/feelings must be extremely scary to me. like rainy said, my mind dances away from anything too intense or, maybe, too good and pos. for me. unknown territory.
armee, so far the backdraft is minimal. but i do think my brain is continuing to unfreeze, which opens the door to whatever else. thanks for that reminder.
:hug:
If I may, San? What it says to me that you immediately want to swat those good feelings away? It says less about YOU and a lot more about the people who have taken your love and kindness and hurt you with it instead of returning it. I hope that's not too much to say. But I just felt sad reading what you wrote that it felt like you were criticizing yourself for not being able to tolerate good feelings like love. But it's not you...it's what people did to you. :hug:
armee, your words brought tears to my eyes. thank you for saying all that. it was beautiful to hear. i think what i did there was an example of being responsible for the expectations of others (thank you dr. feynman). it makes total sense, what you said. now that i can see it thru your eyes, i can see being critical of myself. also, ashamed (whew - that came out of nowhere!) that i couldn't accept that warmth from you for very long without feeling uncomfy about it.
you know, carrying these burdens of others around for so long makes it difficult to live without them. even when it means bringing something good into your life. i just flashed on my work with battered women, and how difficult it was, once we were able to get them out and to a shelter, for them to not return to the abuse. i don't know for sure what the point of being wired like that is, unless it's the comfort factor - more comfy with the devil you know than the devil you don't.
sometimes the human mind boggles me.
:hug:
I just wanted to say I relate to what you said about how we get so used to carrying around the expectations of others that it's hard to not live with them. It's hard to stop, like a bad habit.
Even when I decided I needed to stop being involved with my mom for a period of time because of how bad it was for me, my mind couldn't stop thinking about her and what she was doing and past things she did. I spent more mental energy probably than when I was actively involved with her. A bad habit.
Or more like our neurons have gotten so used to trying to keep us safe from certain things they don't know how to stop firing on command. They need to really known it's safe. For me, they stopped when she died, at least during awake time. They kept going for awhile in my sleep but even then eventually got the message that it wasn't necessary anymore.
;) :wave:
San, I get it. As someone who up and left a 20 year+ toxic relationship, it really is that the bad space, even though it's bad, is familiar and can feel more predictable. And it can happen to anyone. I'm a staunch feminist, even have a degree in Women's Studies, and I still look back and am shocked I didn't get out sooner, that I didn't see it earlier. If I hadn't made a clean break, I'd still be in a miserable place. I also took on all the burdens, mental and otherwise of that pairing. To be free of that is joyous, but can also be overwhelming at times.
San, I caught up with the last couple of pages of your journal. :grouphug:
hey, armee,
it made sense to me what you said about neurons being so used to firing in a certain way, reprogramming them to fire when appropriate, instead of to a trigger of past trauma is what takes all the time and effort. thanks for that image. :hug:
larry, :wave: back atcha. thanks. :hug:
CF, you're singing my song, feminist and all. it's just sad to me you had to go thru a similar situation, cuz it's horrible and it sucks! :hug:
hey notalone, thanks for all those hugs, and back atcha! :grouphug:
my last 2 sessions (it took me 2 hrs. of just talking about it all) i spent relating to my T about the situation with my D1, her words, behaviors, how she used various ways and means to hurt me (probably as punishment for having another baby and taking time away from her) her belittlement, humiliation (i'm learning how many people have humiliated me during the course of my life - all the way from childhood), disrespect, and just plain meanness.
my T, during both those sessions, basically said 'Jesus' and 'no one should have to go thru all that' and she finally told me it wasn't my fault and i did the best i could. when i told D2, she told me 'you did more than that'. it's been a very traumatic 2 weeks, triggered by a netflix series about a young woman who lied about everything, made her deceitful way thru society, and when a reporter visited her parents, she got the true story of her upbringing - that she had been beyond them since she was very young. it screamed at me, basically. this is what my D was all about.
the mother in the show said her son had her soul, but her daughter was always different. the mother accepted it, let her go because she knew there was nothing she could do to help remedy the situation. she also took none of the blame, knew it wasn't her fault. this punched me in the face, and i had to stop watching, went out on the balcony for a cig, and there was the most beautiful rainbow i'd ever seen. i thought it was like god telling me i wasn't to blame, it wasn't my fault for how she was. this led to me having to spill my guts in detail about what it was like being her mother.
i was on the road to insanity when i left for mexico. the damage done to me by her i didn't even fully realize, but i knew if i stayed i'd die. only much later have i been able to understand the triple teaming of icky L and my ex and my D1 which was going on at the same time. no wonder i couldn't feel anything - i had no time nor energy for anything else but to stay sane and problem solve and . . .
my T is keeping that story for me, but it's been unsettling to have dredged it all up. i don't know quite what we'll do with it all - the whole thing is so emotionally charged. i'm scared of processing any of it for fear of what emotional explosion might accompany it.
another realization i've had recently is about hearing someone tell me they love me. i had set up relationships with my D's that when i said 'i love you' they'd say it back. same with my hubs. i said it very often, so heard it very often. however, i can remember an instance where (after i'd moved to mex) i was emailing back and forth with D2, and several times she did not sign it 'love, D2) and i remember getting very distressed about it, as if maybe she didn't love me anymore. at the time i even brought it up with her, and she told me sometimes she's writing really fast or something and didn't notice.
thinking on this over the week i think i understand what was going on. since i couldn't feel the love others were giving me, i needed constant reminders from them that it was real. it was like, if i didn't see/hear the word in the present, i couldn't retain it from a day or so ago. kind of like being touch deprived, where i couldn't get enough touching from others, so i threw an arm around them when we were drunk or i'd have sex with someone just for the touch. icky L once told me i was trying to please others by doing this, but in actuality, it was quite the opposite. i was doing these things in order to get what i needed for myself.
so it's been with being told 'i love you' by someone. logically, i know i'm loved, have been over the years, but not being able to feel it caused me to crave hearing it every friggin' chance possible cuz that was the only way i could feel reassured it was true. no retention at all. understanding this has made it easier to see the pattern over the years, and since i'm slowly breaking thru on this emotional desert thing, i'm hoping when i do hear it i'll be able to feel it more often. i actually did feel it last week when my D said it to me, and yesterday when i told her i needed a hug. i've missed out on so much of the good stuff cuz of this. glad i've lived long enough to at last get to feel it sometimes now. it helps cut the craving.
San, I resonate with the need to be told how another is feeling about to me to believe it...and I still often don't. I appreciate you sharing this all here and wish you well as you continue to navigate.
:bighug: I wanted to read what you wrote, but I haven't - I feel like my words are running dry, but I did want to give you a big hug SanMagic.
Hope :)
This all sounds so difficult and painful to be with, San. At the same time what is happening between you and your D2... the love, the vulnerability, the mutual support, and the hugs...it really is beautiful, too.
:hug:
I also very much relate to not being able to feel the love of someone else. In fact, to start to feel it is exceptionally painful.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 06, 2022, 05:41:24 PM
went out on the balcony for a cig, and there was the most beautiful rainbow i'd ever seen. i thought it was like god telling me i wasn't to blame, it wasn't my fault for how she was. this led to me having to spill my guts in detail about what it was like being her mother.
That is beautiful.
I'm glad that your T is holding some of the pain of D2. My heart hurts for the pain you have suffered. :hug:
rainy, so sorry you go thru the same thing. it's just horrible what's been taken from us before we had a choice or a chance. :hug:
hope, i love those hugs. thanks for both of them. :hug:
yeah, armee, not having feelings for so long can be difficult to orchestrate their goodness, no matter which ones they might be, they can all be painful. ugh! thank the heavens for my D2 - she is my lifeline. :hug:
thank you for your caring words, notalone. i'm glad she is, too. it's too much for me on my own. :hug:
i was able to tell my D2 about why i can't speak to her about anything going on with her father or sister - told her i just can't bear it. i realized that during session last time. hearing about either sends me flying into a brick wall of overwhelm. 2 of the most toxic people i've ever known, and they were the ones who supposedly loved me. cruel trick. addicts, pimps, drug dealers i've known, even some who were still in a prison release program where i interned, were kinder, more caring toward me. go figger.
therapy tomorrow. my T has mostly my entire D1 story now, and i know she wants to process all that crapola out of me - she was absolutely appalled and i can tell she wants me to feel better, not be in so much pain. i get anxiety the night before every session cuz i don't know what might come up, how it might affect me. i just started walking again, began lifting again, and i want to continue so badly, but i can't trust anymore how long it'll take before some trauma something is gonna hit me and knock me off my feet - literally. it's not a comforting thought to have to live with.
:hug:
Thinking of you, San, and hoping therapy wasn't too triggering.
thanks, armee, and right back atcha :hug:
the past few sessions have been all about my D1, but yesterday i moved on a bit to an issue that came up, not only with her, but with 3 other major players in my life.
**********TW************* Porn
i won't go into details, but i've got bad memories/images associated with porn and my D1, icky L, and 2 ex hubs. we tried to flash thru that subject as a whole, but once again, my brain could not work with the entirety of it. so, i settled on a memory of porn and hub#1.
***************end TW******************
i was able to picture myself in our apt. on the floor after i'd discovered his stash. the me in the memory couldn't move, couldn't get up, couldn't get out of there. eventually, i was able to picture myself now, wiser and having gone thru everything with that man, as comforting her, trying to get her up and moving. it was very difficult - she was so stuck - but eventually i was able to get her into the living room and let her know that i would help her get thru anything else that might come her way.
i realized how very naive i was about that stuff, how i'd been thrown into the world of marriage and expectations that were not at all realistic. looking back on that scene, i saw how i was almost like a child, terribly confused, numb, clueless. i've spoken before about being unformed as an adult, with no sense of self, no knowledge of who i really was, what i wanted, how to go about getting it, what worked for me, what didn't, etc. truly a child in an adult body. i'm guessing, if i look back, maybe the understanding level of a preteen, when everything's changing and having no idea what it means or how to cope.
i've discovered how much humiliation i've been covered with by several different people in my life, and one realization caused me to feel very stupid cuz it happened in front of all my friends at the time. the idea of being humiliated (or even feeling it) didn't come into being until a few months ago. had never thought or really felt it before that, and now, looking back, i can see it everywhere. foo, friends, lovers, marriages, work relationships, my D1 - i just went from one to the next. spanning decades and so many different people. blatant to others, perhaps, but i didn't know.
in some respects therapy is helping, but in others, it's basically turning over rocks and discovering the creepy, crawly things that have been part of my life w/o my knowing. i didn't know enough about myself to have any critter repellant, and they simply crawled all over and inside me, eating at me from the inside out. i've got some bad-* angles who have been looking out for me, helping me to survive it all.
I am so inspired by your description of helping your younger self up and out of that scene. I can feel how very huge this whole topic is and how many pieces of it are there and just really want to give you a bunch of gold star stickers (actually unicorns and rainbows are speaking to me) for being so wise to just go slow one flashed piece at a time.
Finding the icky creepy crawlies sucks. Especially as you uncover a capacity to really feel it...new things like humiliation...or even how painful it is to feel love...
I don't know if it is true for you but for me really seeing what happened and feeling what it was like has been helpful in healing and moving past things. I never felt them originally, like you, but they are still there causing problems but it doesn't make sense until you really see and feel it.
Sending you a big bear hug and a cozy soft blanket you can wrap around yourself, because you need to be taken care of, too.
I don't have helpful words, just heartfelt hugs. :hug: :grouphug: :bighug:
i agree with you, armee - seeing, feeling is even bigger than just knowing. all this should have been done 40 yrs. ago, yet that's been the power of retention within my brain that it's not been acknowledged till now. survival. :hug:
notalone, your hugs were invaluable. thanks. :hug:
a couple weeks ago i felt the heartbreak of being dumped by my first love (FL), and it was horrible, sat me on my butt emotionally. since then, talking with my gal pal who knew all of it at the time (she and i have recently reconnected) gave me the chance to talk about him and the situation with my best friend the way it should have been done 50 yrs. ago. 50 years, but the feeling of it has made it seem like it only happened 2 weeks ago. just like you noticed, armee.
since then, i've spoken with her again, and she filled me in on more behind the scenes stuff that happened around the breakup. how he and his new girlfriend were showing up at times with our friends at different places unbeknownst to me. how he took her someplace, then would take me someplace. i was the only one who didn't know. all our friends, his frat, my family, other friends - everyone not only in my circle but everyone connected as well. when she told me this last week, the feeling of being stupid popped into my mind, but didn't linger.
today w/ my T, i talked about all this other stuff that i was told, and the feeling of being thoroughly humiliated again raised its ugly head. with it, an even stronger feeling of stupid. as i was relaying the details to my T, one of which was how his frat bros actually were laughing behind my back (literally) while we were together on spring break, and i suddenly went - this has now risen to the arena of trauma! my T said, absolutely - to be laughed at is the stuff of nightmares!
i'm in pretty bad shape right now.
What a wonderful connection to re-establish while also surfacing a ton of difficult feeling.
i agree, rainy. she's helping me relive this trauma in the way it was supposed to have been felt, realized, and known and the time. thanks. :hug:
Oh my God San! That is so much betrayal all jn just one story. How painful and sad and yes traumatic on multiple levels. Those feelings of stupidity and humiliation are covering for some other emotions...hurting yourself because those are in a way easier to deal with. I hope you can slowly let that anger surface honestly toward everyone involved and treat yourself with the compassion that should have been given you by the people who instead furthered the betrayal. Until then I am quite angry on your behalf. Ugh seething with it actually.
hey, armee - thanks so much for the anger on my behalf, and also for adding another dimension to the situation - betrayal. didn't think of that one, but i'll certainly add it to the list. i did have a moment of anger last nite - was able to stab a few things with my fork that was satisfying. it let a little out at least, but your support in this respect means the world to me. knowing most of my friends at that time, i can truly understand why no one told me, including my family. we/they weren't prepared for the emotional backlash something this big would produce. i hold FL entirely responsible - coward that he was, he was the one who should have told me. i'm just grateful my girlfriend had guts enough to break the news to me. there's probably more to this story - i'm going to ask her why everyone waited so long. i know my parents/sister didn't handle emotions, so would be too scared to get involved. :hug:
feeling better today, but yesterday was very rough. the aftermath is that all my muscles are extremely sore - feel like i got hit by a mack truck! i'm sure it's from carrying lots of tension yesterday all day. i ate and smoked my way thru, but i did feel a bit better by evening. hoping to get a bit of normality back today. we'll see. at least i don't feel so down, so browbeaten. yeah, that was an emotional beating i took getting thru it all. remembering, realizing what all went down, getting new information that lambasted me even more.
yesterday, i woke up dreaming about him, wanting to get back together with him, kissing a few times. i told my T that i've had dreams like this before (and with other exes) and in the dream i was so happy we would finally be together. this time, i didn't have that happy feeling about it. i just want to be rid of him. (unfortunately, i had a similar dream this morning). i told my T that next time maybe we can work on exorcising him from my brain.
i wondered out loud to her what could be causing these dreams. was it giving me a feeling of 'i won!'? or something about a comeuppance toward his wife? he and i met for drinks a few times while we were both married, he also wanted more but i turned him down. my thought process was that this was real power for me in a situation where i'd felt powerless. i had the means of wrecking his marriage, dealing an emotional blow to his wife (who was very mean to me at the same time she put on a show of being a lovely, nice catholic girl), and knowing in my mind i had the upper hand on them. i never followed thru, but the knowledge of having that power was strengthening to my heart somehow.
at any rate, i don't want those dreams anymore, don't want to feel the longing for a relationship with him while i sleep. he's dead and i'd like him to stay that way. he spent the last 15 yrs. of his life sick with MS, couldn't feed himself or walk anymore, and i went to visit him in the nursing home 2 weeks before he died. before i left, i kissed him good-bye. i wish i had some sense of closure from that, but apparently not. so now i have to go after it. ugh! will this frickin' ever end??? this stuff is over 50 years old, it's still wreaking havoc with my life and well-being. and he's the best of the rest of them.
i'm sorry i haven't been here to offer any support, i hope you have a good day today.
I'm so happy to know you stabbed something with a fork a little. Good job. I throw fruits. :whistling: fresh ones at the back door glass then i have to wipe it off or rotting ones at a tree in the yard. It's very satisfying. ;D
Hope you're feeling a little better today. That certainly was a lot to process!
(also, going to a thrift store and buying cheap plates and stuff that you can then break is a vent for anger. Just be careful of shards!)
hi sanmagic
sorry for your new old heartbreak. I wish there was an off button for past hurts for you, for all of us.
I hope the tension in your body eases... I have found eating and smoking thru it to be pretty helpful too..
I like that you took your frustrations out on some unsuspecting food instead of beating yourself up :)
I hope you are feeling better today, and I thank you for sharing. Sending love your way! :hug:
hey, larry, i appreciate the effort to stop in and say hi. thanks for the well wishes. :hug:
armee, i've thrown things, beat my bed, punched pillows, made noise banging pots and pans - lots of good ways to get some anger out. these containers just happened to be there and i had a fork in my hand. it helped a little. thanks for another suggestion, too. :hug:
hey CF, thanks for the suggestion. i've also thrown flip flops against a door - no breakage, but makes a good sound nonetheless. thank you for being here. :hug:
hi, phil, i wish that off button was available as well. so far, the tension is hanging around. bothering my legs and ear. hopefully, soon, it will ease. thanks for the well wishes. :hug:
today i'm feeling absolutely miserable. this stuff takes its time with me, making me think i'm on the road to recovering then, like today, washing over me till i feel like i'm drowning in dejection. i know it wasn't me, but i feel like an absolute fool, very stupid, and i don't know about what. letting it happen? not knowing what was going on? thinking i could make it better if i just hung on long enough? not sure - it's rather nebulous.
this happened more than 52 yrs. ago, but it still feels like it was 2 weeks ago. finding out everything, the breakup - i'm in a world of pain and hurt, feeling very dejected and down, so very sad - everything i should have felt and gone thru when i was 20, when it happened. i guess i just couldn't have managed it back then - it was such a big shock and i had to assure my being that i wouldn't go mad from the betrayal (thanks, armee), humiliation, the loss of future plans, the love that got smashed carelessly, tossed aside. i don't understand how so many people in my life, from my S when we were young, thru so many what i thought of as close relationships, male and female, thought it was ok to humiliate me in front of family and friends. was i such a patsy? did i have a sign on my forehead? i don't get it.
i think, since i didn't have the capacity to feel, nor the sense of self to know, i was an easy target. that doesn't cheer me up. i'm going thru this hurt and pain and emotional disruption (it's also disrupted me physically - my muscles are so tight i'm having a hard time walking smoothly - about a 4-yr. relationship half a century ago. i put my entire self into it, and i guess i'd get some kind of payback which would run in the same direction. instead, upended on the edge of a cliff. maybe that's why i couldn't go thru this them - i'd have fallen off the cliff.
these realizations hurt so bad, they're difficult to bear, even now when i have so many more tools to deal with them. for some reason, few of them help. the stabbing was good, but i think i stopped myself. i really wanted to punch both of them in their smirking faces.
still feeling miserable tonite. this is crapola, to have to go thru this physical disturbance as well as the mental and emotional distress. i don't want to do this anymore.
gentle hugs if you want them. Sorry to hear this is so distressing for you, and I totally resonate with it feeling strange that it can be so painfully fresh so long after things happen.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 15, 2022, 06:16:44 PM
my T said, absolutely - to be laughed at is the stuff of nightmares!
Yes, and deep humiliation. I know. I'm sorry that you have that experience and pain.
hey, CF. hugs are always welcome. thank you so much. :hug:
thanks for the caring, notalone. so appreciated :hug:
my legs are gone, so now i just have to rest until they return. i am so down, can't believe this is happening again. i never knew being dumped (and all the garbage that went with it in this instance) could hold all this pain (mental and emotional), all these neg., soul-sucking and spirit defeating feelings. since finding out the new info from my gal pal, it's truly like this happened 2 weeks ago. if it had it would make sense about how i'm feeling now. i guess this is an example of how trauma lives within us, no matter for how long, until it is faced and erased.
my T basically cancelled on me this morning cuz she was sick. she felt terrible, tho, at leaving me like this. i told her i need help, i'm not doing well with this on my own, and she said if she feels better over the weekend she'd give me a call. otherwise we won't be talking till tues. i'm floundering until then. can barely walk from one room to the other, no energy, very little brain capacity. this breakup has drained me. still can't believe how hard this has hit me. doesn't feel right, and certainly doesn't feel good. i don't know how much more of this i can take.
just thought this minute that this may be so difficult cuz of the work i did last week on hub #1, and this came along so soon after. dang. how sensitive must i be? or how damaged that i truly can't manage? again, the trigger came out of left field, didn't know the info, but after learning it, wrecking ball to my body, my psyche, and my spirit. just need to get this out. i hate this so much. even said to my D that right now i hate my parents (for not allowing me all my feelings from the time i was a baby). i'm sure that's what has set all this up. as i think of it, i don't feel that hate for them now, but i did at the time i said it. maybe i just needed to get it out.
feel like i'm rambling now. i'm so twisted up.
Hi SanMagic,
I hope that you're able to rest up and that your legs feel better soon. I know you've been processing a lot of stuff lately, and that would definitely be taking its toll physically and mentally. Sending you a hug of support :hug: and I hope that your therapist feels better soon as well. Hopefully she'll be in contact again soon, but whatever happens between now and then, I hope you know you're cared about.
Hope :)
Oh no! What terrible timing for your T to be out sick! I hope she is able to talk to you briefly this weekend to carry you until Tuesday.
It's heart breaking that the process of healing is so so painful and difficult, San. Your brain is processing and letting this stuff go. It is processing it so fully that you are feeling the full pain of it now. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I'm so sorry your family never allowed you to feel things in the moment so you could move on with the past in the past.
Once you get through this one, you'll be done with this memory and all the pain it has been causing you behind the scenes. You'll be free from this one. Then you decide at your own pace if and when you want to go through this again with another memory. You are In control of whether and when you go through this again and only you know if it's worth it.
I don't know if this is rude to ask...but is there a way to spend more time installing positive memories or feelings in between these difficult sessions? I haven't really tried that myself but it just feels like it might be helpful to intentionally slow down some of the painful memories that are all interconnected. It's not fair to have to process so fully so many painful memories so close together.
But I don't want to end on anything approaching advice....I just wish I could be there in person to bring you comfort and some warm bread and a warm beverage and a big enveloping hug. :hug:
You are a warm and open person, San. These things were not your fault. There are people who know how to find and take advantage of good people. It is not you being somehow defective that so many hurt you. It is all those people who were defective to hurt such a good human. Defectiveness is theirs and theirs alone. You loved. You should have been loved in return. Period. That is what you deserved.
San, I'm so sorry that your T cancelled. When you are holding on by a thread, that feels like scissors cutting the thread. Ugh. Please post here as often as is helpful to you. You are not alone.
The other day, my T was referring to a trauma and he said, "I know that happened to you a long time ago. . ." I don't even remember the rest of the sentence because my mind was saying, "What? It did? No, it just happened." You are right, that is what trauma does. Time stands still for those events. I'm sorry that you are feeling such intense feelings from the break up, but there is nothing wrong with you that it feels like it was just two weeks ago. Not only have you been holding that inside, but you have added information that piles on more whirling thoughts and overwhelming feelings.
:grouphug:
:hug:
You were treated so cruelly, San, and you didn't deserve it.
I completely understand old traumas feeling as though they happened two weeks ago. I don't know if this helps, but my experience is that parts holding trauma can get stuck at the time of the trauma. They don't realise months and years have gone by. To them, it's just happened, and the pain is still raw. I agree with Not Alone: there is nothing wrong with you that it feels like it was just two weeks ago.
You mentioned this coming along so soon after your work on hub #1. I can relate to this as well. If I work on a trauma with one part, it's like another one comes along and says "what about me!"
I hope your T can make Tuesday. In the meantime, here are some big hugs filled with love and care.
:bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
hope, many thanks for your caring and kind words. :hug:
armee, i found nothing rude in what you asked. it's something i can contemplate, bring it up with my T, discuss how that can happen. thank you for it. as for advice, i'm not afraid of it. others' thoughts, opinions, sentiments, feelings as well as advice is always welcome, as far as i'm concerned. they all are founts from which i can drink, learn, balance with what i know and don't know. too many times i have no idea how to move forward anymore. this is beyond anything i've known or had experience with personally and professionally. my T has never seen reactions like this, either, so we're both learning on the fly. your care, concern and hugs warm my heart. :hug:
notalone, that was a wonderful reminder of the sinister aspect of trauma. and, thanks for your observation about how much more has been piled on me since the original breakup. you helped me feel validated and i appreciate that. :hug:
snowdrop, thank you for your perspective. very true about another coming along, demanding to be seen, heard, and felt. it causes an overwhelm which my brain and body does not cope with well. love those hugs and what they contain, thanks so much for them. :hug:
it's monday, my legs still aren't back, altho there seems to be some improvement. from past experience, it takes time and rest. i'm doing what i can to make it from one day to the next without completely getting drowned in depression about this continuing situation. i've been dealing with this leg thing for over 35 yrs. starting during my marriage to hub #2 (who i refer to as my ex). his care and concern at those times was pretty nonexistent. my mex. hub was very helpful, very caring when it happened. what a difference it made to my sense of well-being and not feeling like i'm on my own while dealing with it.
the past 2 days the feelings of hurt, pain, and grieving seem to have run themselves out. i've been wanting to cry, and finally got to a place where i was able to do so yesterday, but, quite honestly, it was for myself. i'm so sad i have to go thru this time and time again. it's so wearing, so dreadful to my spirit, washing over it so much it almost feels like it's hard to breathe. not literally, but emotionally, if that's a thing. it makes me skittish about therapy once again.
i found myself thinking about quitting therapy, just hanging on as is, but in my deepest recesses, i know that's not the answer. i don't know how to get to enough happy memories (altho i have many, but they seem to be covered up by this trauma crapola), and certainly don't know how to reach for pos. emotions. they've been out of my reach as well most all my life, unless i was under the influence. a lovely distraction for a couple hours where i'd have fun, but that stopped working as well. i know the only way to get to the other side of this is to go thru it, and it's nice to have FL and all that happened because of him mostly gone now. however, my legs remain a reminder of how bad it was to affect me so profoundly.
my mind is also extremely overwhelmed now - i'm having a problem remembering words, thoughts, info that was given to me a few minutes before. it's so distressing living within myself right now - hardly anything is working the way i want it to. i'm so down about this. so much of this is due to the trauma of having to deny my feelings, wants, dislikes, over and over since a baby. they had no idea how much damage they were causing, and i'm paying the price now. sucks.
was watching a show where a woman got her mind manipulated so as to lose her emotions, and a friend helped her fight back from it. it took several days of pain and anguish as well as withdrawal, and toward the end she moaned 'what did they do to me?" and i saw myself in that moment, and the tears came along with the question for myself. what did they do to me? i am now a husk of what i was, barely able to walk, and i feel sorry for all the me's who had been tormented to the point i was nearly robotic, a perfect soldier who did more than was asked of her decade after decade.
going thru what i'm going thru now is taking years rather than days. i saw her pain, how much it hurt to retrieve her real self. my tears were healing, but i wonder how much spirit i have left to continue undergoing this dreaded atrocity of regaining my true self. it's not simply chipping away at my spirit anymore, but slashing at it, over and over. my legs feel a bit better after my cry, but i was standing in front of my D (who was asking what was going on with me) and i repeated the phrase of the woman in the show, said 'look at me now because of that'. there is so much more to process but i don't know how much more i can take and reclaim myself after each episode of this. it's feeling pretty dismal. just needed to let that out.
Sending love and good thoughts, san :hug: :grouphug:
bach, thanks so much. they really helped :hug:
relief! my T and i found a way to bring my legs back using the flash technique. when i lived in mex., i used to do hands-on healing for people. i'd help them get relief from sore muscles, tension, stress, toxins - all the usual suspects. when i finished running my hands over their back, legs, whatever, i'd toss the toxins to the floor. when we finished, and they felt better, i'd ask if they wanted to keep them or have me sweep them out the door. invariably they did not want to take that crapola back, so i'd get a broom and make the motion of sweeping something out the door. afterwards, i would be able to feel that negativity in my hands, and would have to wash them w/ soap and water, metaphorically cleansing myself of their neg. energy and letting it go down the drain.
this morning, i was full of despair about doing any processing in the future cuz of this tendency for my emotions to kick my legs out from under me. my T listened to all my lack of hope, fear for future therapy, everything i'd been complaining about here. then she suggested we flash my legs themselves, see what might come up. during the process, i pictured myself sitting in my chair, legs up, but basically in pain and not working properly. i've tried doing healing on myself in the past, but, like therapy, couldn't do it on myself.
with this image in my mind, however, suddenly another 'me' came into the picture. it took a few sets of flash, but eventually i managed to see this other me come toward the damaged me and proceed to do all the healing actions on my wounded legs. i went thru my entire healing process on my legs, including sweeping the toxins out the door. my legs immediately felt better, but i could feel the load of crapola in my hands, so had to go wash them clean of it. when our session was over, i was able to go to the store wtih my D (her birthday is tomorrow), go up and down the steps with no trouble.
what a difference this makes. knowing that i can have a hand in helping my legs regain themselves by using flash on myself, pulling up those same images, processing while my other me heals the wounded me gives me hope. i had lost that with this latest situation. i feel like a completely different person than the one who was sobbing yesterday, dumping loads of everything here on the forum. i didn't think this could be done, but it has. gratitude for my mind, energy, and spirit are now overflowing from my pores, where this morning there was only slop.
That's fantastic, San. The power comes through in your words. I'm delighted.
:bighug:
What a lovely experience - thank you for sharing it.
Your mind is a miracle sweet San Magic. It has kept you protected all these years and now you are using it to heal yourself. Your partnership with your mind and yourself and your therapist is miraculous. This seems like a very powerful tool that you now have on your healing journey. One that makes it much safer to continue at the pace you've wanted to go. Way to go!!! :cheer:
That's amazing and wonderful sanmagic
Thank you for sharing that!!! Congratulations
thanks, snowdrop. you brought a smile to my face with your enthusiasm. love it! :hug:
hey, rainy, thanks for your kind words. :hug:
armee, i totally agree with all you said. especially about feeling safer to continue. thank you so much for your continued support! :hug:
phil, thank you so. i found it amazing as well. it's caused me to feel hope, which i've rarely felt in my life. :hug:
my legs are still here, still working. i'm thinking of using the healing 'me' for help with some of the tension and stress i constantly carry. this has been a game-changer, for sure, altho i'm a little afraid of doing it too much, as if i might use the power/energy up and won't have it when it's really needed. on the other hand, relaxing my muscles, giving my system some much-needed release also seems necessary if i'm to continue to stay alive. all this stress/tension stuff is not good for me in so many ways. it's been there so long, it's difficult to imagine how i'd be without it. can't know unless i try it, tho. we'll see.
for now, i'm just going to enjoy having my legs back.
I have lots of confidence that even if this particular method loses its efficacy for you that you and T will find a new way to help you heal yourself if and when needed.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 23, 2022, 03:59:48 PM
i'm thinking of using the healing 'me' for help with some of the tension and stress i constantly carry. this has been a game-changer, for sure, altho i'm a little afraid of doing it too much, as if i might use the power/energy up and won't have it when it's really needed.
Using the healing you to help with the tension and stress sounds like a great idea. As well as easing your load, it would give the two of you more experience of working together. This might mean she's
more able to help you when you really need it, not less.
:bighug:
armee, i love your vote of confidence! thanks ever so :hug:
snowdrop, what a lovely perspective you've brought to the table. it feels strengthening. thank you so much :hug:
armee and snowdrop, you've helped me here more than you know. different ways to look at a potential problem - i love options.
my D's birthday has come and gone. while i love celebrating and seeing her enjoying herself, this kind of thing disrupts me at the same time - my routine is what helps me the most in keeping anxiety down to a manageable level. plus, while we were going to the car yesterday, one of the neighbors was walking her dog, (on a leash, thank everything), as she let him come close to me. he took a few sniffs, then charged at me barking like crazy. i kinda fell back on the hood, frozen for a few minutes. this is the second time i've had a terrifying experience with dogs which froze me.
my D and i talked about it while driving, she said she's going to stop greeting people with dogs from now on, cuz she thinks they think that because we're friendly, we must want to interact w/ their dog as well. i've been friendly with people while on a walk for as long as i can remember, greeting them, smiling, etc. and to think i have to stop that now, at least with some people, is sad. (sad is all i could come up with - i tried annoying, but it didn't fit). my D, too, has loved dogs, used to work w/ them, was a dogwalker and dogsitter, so has had lots of experience with them, but living here she's found too many of them off leash, and with these kinds of experiences, is now afraid. another sad for that. maybe even angry.
today, then, is a day of recovery. i have some author work to do (final round of proofreading/edits on one, coming up w/ the idea for the next) and those activities are a good distraction from everything else. i just want to wallow in the comfort of my routine today.
fri., during session, my T told me i was hanging on by a thread. it's distressed and disturbed me. i went thru several feelings about it, such as 'i'm not going to let this get to me' to 'this is the reason i'm doing what i'm doing to comfort myself and i don't have to be guilty about it (food and smoking)' to 'i'm not crazy, i'm not making this up, it really is this bad'.
funny how one sentence can be so discombobulating. it's got my head spinning. however, i think the most comforting aspect of it is the idea that i'm not making this up, i really am going thru * right now, have been for the past 2 yrs., i'm just afraid of the toll all this stress i'm going thru is taking on me. the past few days i've had a very difficult time remembering from minute to minute at times. i've noticed for the past month that i have a difficult time getting the right words out of my mouth - i either don't know what i want to say or i physically can't form the word with my mouth.
i'm also puffy and bloated from stress, which is uncomfortable in its own way. i read another post about grieving, not having the permission/acceptance to grieve as they went thru losses in life, and it rang a bell hard and strong. these emotional explosions i've been having are directly related to that in my life. while the pain of going thru it now is horrific, even worse to me is what it does to my body, muscles, legs, etc. then, that outside contribution from my T (i'll discuss this w/ her on tues.) clanged my bell. i wasn't exaggerating, i guess, when i've said i've been in crisis for over 2 yrs.
this memory and verbal stuff is upsetting me. i hope it rights itself if my stress level wanes. i don't want to think of the alternative.
Aw San that would be such an intensely upsetting thing to hear from anyone. I am relieved at least T recognizes how serious this all is and yet it strikes me as an uncharacteristicly unskilled way to communicate this. I am so sorry you are sitting there with that statement. It would be worth a check in with her if you can before Tuesday?
I would also be quite distressed and disturbed.
You have remarkable inner strength San. It's not fair that's been expected and required of you but it is there and you will find a way to heal this and feel strong again.
It's OK to go slow, though right? We all know slow and steady wins the race with cPTSD.
hey, armee, i'll definitely be checking in with her on tues. it's settled a little now, but just kinda sits at the back of my mind. at the time she said it, i think i was so taken aback that i wasn't able to say anything or question it. i'm sure she said it as a validation type statement, putting words to the reality. i might have needed to hear it as such. but it felt awkward to me somehow, or maybe jarring. yeah, more like it rocked my boat.
my reality about myself has been so out of whack forever, it's hard for me to tell just exactly how much of what i think or feel is true. i've said that i've been in crisis for over 2 yrs. now, a few months before i started working with her. then i'd think 'crisis' was too strong a word cuz i haven't been hospitalized, haven't made any 'attempts' , haven't been depressed to the point that all i've done is stay in bed all day. you're right about my spirit, tho - it just keeps fighting back whether i think i want it to or not. thank you for all your words and thoughts for me. love it all. :hug:
talked to my one friend today, she's been traumatized w/in the past year, and people are telling her to leave things in the past, let go and move forward - you know, the usual stuff. i told her it was a traumatic experience, and it's not that we hang onto trauma, but that it hangs on to us. she doesn't know a lot about any of this, but my heart ached for her and i cried with her. i'm so glad i'm not in any relationship anymore where someone is mean or uncaring toward me. this friend is the only one i've chosen to keep around - we build each other's spirits up, and it's so nice to have that, finally.
not taking anything away from my D, but it's a different kind of relationship. when i compare this friendship w/ ones i've had in the past, it's so far ahead of that pack, it's kind of amazing. i can feel the care she has for me, the interest she has in me and my llife, the support she gives me when i talk about what i've gone thru, and how sh'es asked me to tell her more and more, to explain what i'm going thru. she shines a light on my world, and it's lovely.
in the meantime, i'm still hanging on. at times i feel bad cuz we've lived here nearly a year and i still don't even have my bedroom fully unpacked or put together. now when i think about 'hanging by a thread' i can see that it's really all i can do some days to make my bed. that was the one thing i made sure to do when i lived in mex. as i sign that i wasn't dead or super depressed. one day i'm hoping to get it done, but not this day. (lotr).
My recent move taught me I don't need a lot of the stuff I have and so I think things remaining in boxes is ok. I also understand if the stuff staying in boxes feels like stuckness and that doesn't feel good in my experience. I am glad for your friendship and relationship with your D.
That friendship sounds perfect. :hug: Reciprocal. You give her the same and more. I'm so glad she has you as a friend to counter the harmful advice people get after trauma, that comes from a good place but doesn't understand the reality of how trauma is stored.
I think if crisis is how it feels then it must truly be that, San, even if you are able to keep head above enough to get out of bed or make attempts or be hospitalized. You minimize your pain and suffering, so I don't doubt for one minute it is crisis level if that is how it feels to you.
It is ok if you don't make your bed or unpack but I can see why those are important markers of wellness for you. I also think it's important to remember that you are doing more than just getting out of bed... Exercising when your strength allows, being a mom, writing and editing...there's substance there. I can feel how much more you want though and that is fair. You deserve to have much more energy and motivation and joy.
I can definitely see how that statement by your T was intended as validation, and also how it would come across as something almost unbearable. :hug:
:hug: While I'm sorry your friend was traumatized, at least you two can understand each other better than most people can. Maybe that's the gift, because the friendship sounds like a really good one.
Things can totally stay in boxes or even the garage, in my case, without ever being unpacked. I'll admit, sometimes I go through things and think to myself, "I haven't used/needed this in a year. Do I need to keep it?" And things can get purged, or I'd be a total packrat. So do what you need to do at YOUR pace. That's all that matters.
i love you all!
rainy, i believe you're right. over the years, so many moves, a lot of my things have naturally been culled. the things i have left i now cherish. many sentimental, unique, and from various places where i've lived - they now bring comfort to me and a sense of stability. i've lost so much along the way, i really don't want to lose any more. the things i've lost i've adjusted to their absence along the way. thanks for your perspective. :hug:
armee, thank you for all your validation, all the time. you help give me strength, too, to keep from drowning. i can almost accept that i'm truly in crisis - depending on meds to keep me functioning, several cig breaks during the day to release tension (also prescribed by my T), and food to help me stay distracted. and i appreciate how you see me, remember things i've written. even tho i've been on this forum more than 5 yrs., it still seems weird and wonderful when someone pays enough attention to remember something i've said. :hug:
CF, i do believe this friendship is a gift. she doesn't really have anyone else she can talk to about how she's feeling, gets ridiculed too often. we've both acknowledged how we can lift each other's spirits, and it's so unusual to me to have someone ask how i'm doing and really care enough to want an honest answer. and, yes, my pace. that's important to remember. rainy mentioned it, too, so i guess it's necessary to remember it. thanks. :hug:
just feeling kind of down today. i've got a lot of financial stuff i've had to help my D with, and sometimes i just want to be left alone, to cuddle up with comp. games or watch tv by myself. these are the times i sit on the balcony and smoke - it's an old habit to use smoking as a break time, away from everyone. right now i'm mostly in an 'i don't care' mood. this has all been so difficult to navigate. people here have helped me keep afloat at time when i wanted to curl up and be gone.
*************death*****************
my D and i had a small conversation about death/dying. she said she's ok with other people dying if she thinks/believes they are going to be able to just rest from their lives. i told her that's exactly what it will be for me. she said 'i know, mom'. i think it's been her way to make peace with the idea that i will probably be gone before her, but i'm glad she has that to hold onto. she also knows i won't go willingly. she's been a lifesaver.
**************TW over *******************
i'm just venting, letting it out. i go to these dark places, and this seems like a safe enough place to let some of it drain away.
:bighug:
I hope the conversation with your daughter about death was supportive to you both. I also appreciate your description of the things you have with you as cherished and consistent - it helps me understand more of why it may feel heavy for them to be boxed still.
armee, i loved that big hug from you. it felt comforting. thank you so. :hug:
rainy, our conversation was supportive, thank you. i think it helped ease her mind a bit to know i believe it will be a welcome rest for me when it comes. :hug:
i talked about how much sadness i'm carrying for myself w/ my T today, and that tears have begun leaking whenever i see a kindness done to someone or, the other way around, when i see abuse. the tv shows we watch can unintentionally bring these issues up, and i find random tears in my eyes. they're not truly getting to the heart of what's made me so sad, so they aren't cleansing or don't bring relief. we talked about something my F said to me very young - stop crying; crying doesn't help. from the time i was about 14 till i got into therapy in my late 30's, i'd stopped crying completely.
once some of that opened up (inadvertantly brought on by her mistreatment of me) tears leaked all the time. when my D2 graduated college, i had to leave the ceremony because i was crying so hard. now that i think of it, happy and proud were probably the emotions which were inside me, but i had no way to feel them as such. hence, crying was my only expression of what i couldn't feel or identify. i'm very sad simply to write that. even the happy emotions were wrung from me until they were unattainable.
we also talked about the 'hanging by a thread' statement from last time. she was just verifying my reality, believes i am still in crisis mode after over 2 yrs. of therapy w/ her. it was a hard adjustment to make, bringing this into the light as a truth about me and why i have such a difficult time doing even the simplest chores or errands w/o becoming disturbed, distressed, and/or exhausted. i think it's painful to know, i think there's pain in there alongside the sadness.
that's the first time i thought of the pain i must've absorbed over my lifetime. but, my body knows. it tells me all the time. just never thought of it on my own for myself. it stands to reason, tho, that after being hurt by people over and over, there would be pain associated with it. dang, this is what i'm fighting against so i'm not overwhelmed by it. i'd love to curl up in a ball, let the world go by. even tho during processing today i was able to see an image of me as a flower child, twirling thru a field of flowers, connecting me to my 27-yr. old spirit (and it felt lovely), it's hard to keep that with me cuz the bad stuff smothers it.
San, your words reminded me of a quote. (I don't remember it exactly or who said it, so it's more of a summary, lol) "Everything is healed by salt water; sweat, tears, or the sea." Our bodies remember so much. it sounds like by allowing tears, yours might be processing however it best can in that moment. Our bodies remember our pain even when our minds hide it from us. I'm also glad you got that "hanging on" comment cleared up with them. Big hugs and here's wishing you many days of dancing among the flowers.
Hi dear San.
Alexithymia is cruel in its taking of joy and the robbing us of an ability to grieve or feel anger or sadness that are appropriate to the circumstances.
The pain is very real. Your body soaked up all those hurtful events you couldn't feel the emotions for. Now when you go to tap those memories to heal, that physical pain is part of the memories that are activated, so you get the emotions and you get the pain, and how could that not be totally overwhelming? :grouphug:
San, I have to leave for an appointment, but I just caught up on your journal and wanted to give you a big :bighug:.
CF, i do believe that quote and all it implies. when i lived in mex. on the sea of cortez, they used seawater to heal many skin problems on both humans and animals. our tears are an approximation, but they heal us from the inside out, or release toxins that would otherwise hurt us. thank you for reminding me. :hug:
armee, i agree. just a few years ago i was involved in an incident that hurt me emotionally, and i remember curling up on my bed because i was in a lot of pain from it. that's the first time i remember to have had the actual physical pain at the same time. and, yes, you're right - it is overwhelming. thanks for the validation. :hug:
notalone, i appreciate that embracing hug. thanks. :hug:
my T and i talked and talked about the healing me and the present me helping those younger versions of me and the present me's legs (i know, a lot of 'me', but then, it's all about me right now) thinking what a good resource i am for myself, when i stopped and the word 'expectations' came to mind. long story short, when i was sick in mex. i had to make the decision as to whether i'd stay sick (my hub was doing all the errands, chores, plus working 12-hr. days all week) or get better.
at the time, my fear of getting better was all about expectations - while i was sick, no one expected me to do anything, and i felt a freedom i'd never felt before. if i got well i was scared all those previous expectations would pile up on me again by others. what helped my decision to begin being well was the idea that i could say 'no'.
for such a little word, it packed a gigantic punch. what a concept!!! but it was up to me to do the work of getting myself better (i'd already seen all the docs in town, downed a lot of meds, no joy there). so, this possibility of imagining some form of myself helping myself got so big so fast, and i told my T i can't possibly do that anymore. my entire life has been based on me taking care of myself, getting myself to a better place, out of a bad place, researching to help myself feel better, and on and on. i told her i need help now - don't have it in me anymore to take this burden on by myself again.
i then remembered 3 images i had hanging in my room in our previous house - one was of la bruja, a mexican witch who warns me of danger and provides me with the strength and energy to get myself away from it, one was of a guardian angel to have someone watching over me, a safety feeling, and one was of an angel holding a baby in her arms, nurturing. these are still packed, but i'm going to find them and get them out. they have been helpers to me in the past, and will be again.
unorthodox, perhaps, but i've been unorthodox when it's come to surviving my life to this point as well. so far, i've survived. that's a win. now to think that i will have helpers who will be watching out for me, aiding me in my healing and self-care is very comforting. and breathing again.
Those images sound amazing and perfect, San.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 02, 2022, 04:27:34 PMmy entire life has been based on me taking care of myself, getting myself to a better place, out of a bad place, researching to help myself feel better, and on and on. i told her i need help now - don't have it in me anymore to take this burden on by myself again.
Wow, did I resonate with this. That describes it so very well. My entire life has been survival mode, and that can't be sustained forever.
Hugs, San, thank you for this eloquence.
armee, thanks so much for both the validation and the acceptance. it means so much. :hug:
CF, you hit it on the head by using the phrase 'survival mode'. that's exactly what it feels like looking back. always running, mentally, emotionally, physically just to be able to function. i can only be resilient for so long, for so much, before i break. i've been to my knees a few times but have managed to get back up. now, i need help, however i can get it. thank you for this so very much. :hug:
felt okay yesterday but am tired this morning. i found my helper pictures in a box yesterday and want to get them up on the wall today. i told my D that i need to get this stuff up, need to get my room 'done' cuz it's beginning to distress me. she doesn't have enough energy right now to do it for me, but asked if i'd let her 'spot' me while i go up on the chair. i can feel the disturbance inside me of not having this finished yet. like my system is upset now with the waiting.
another thing i did yesterday was put the picture i have of my 2 D's in the closet. i wanted to keep it out to acknowledge i still love my D1, but in the past week or so noticed that i was arranging my monitor so as not to have to look at her face, or have it looking at me. bad vibes, like she's railing away against me, or something bad is going on with her - 2 of the reasons i've been NC for over 7 yrs. i told my D that i'd done that, she also told me she'd been getting bad vibes from it.
gotta honor the gut instinct. if it's not good for me, it's not good for me, and it's important i respect that. w/ the picture now in a box in the closet, i feel better. strange how that works sometimes.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 03, 2022, 02:55:26 PM
i can feel the disturbance inside me of not having this finished yet. like my system is upset now with the waiting.
gotta honor the gut instinct. if it's not good for me, it's not good for me, and it's important i respect that. w/ the picture now in a box in the closet, i feel better. strange how that works sometimes.
Even my move to a different bedroom was deeply distressing. Moving your entire house. . . that is so much, San. I hear and understand that disturbance.
Glad you trusted your gut about the photo. Putting it away doesn't lessen the love you have for her, but it sounds like the constant reminder of the pain in that relationship was not kind to yourself.
San,
I'm sorry the picture is so painful. It does show your love that you wanted to try. I'm glad you noticed how it was affecting you and put it away. Those seemingly little things can have a big effect on how we feel,, so good for you for noticing and then honoring that gut feeling. I have the same reactions to photos of my mom, even baby photos of her. Heebie jeebies!
Sending you some get stuff done (safely) vibes so you can get your room set up in a way that feels settled and healing.
notalone, i totally understood about having to move to another bedroom. i hope that's settled somewhat. i've never thought too much about the phrase 'creature comforts', but to me, this moving stuff takes us out of our comfort zones and having to set up our little nest again (for the creature that is us) takes time, effort, and work. and thank you, too, for the validation about my D1's pic. :hug:
thanks, armee, for the caring. it was her eyes that were bothering me. she's been judging me with her eyes since she's been 4 - later, when she had the words, she used them in the same way. heebie jeebies, indeed! :hug:
a little unsettled today. we talked about my feeling of being alone all my life, especially at bedtime (which is when i invariably have a bout of anxiety after my D leaves the room to go to her own room. as my T and i discussed it, it went along with the entire feeling of having had to take care of myself on all levels. i'm seeing more and more how this began when i was very little, has affected me, my judgments, my perspective, and my decision-making throughout the years.
i can take responsibility for my decisions, but they were made from a skewed world-view, and a nearly non-existent me-view. that concept just became concise and concrete in my consciousness as i've been writing - the power of the pen! right now it's too big to follow, so i'll stop.
another major realization this morning. i related, again, the memory of my parents' responses to the time i went to them in terrible distress, crying, telling them how alone i felt (had just begun a new school where i knew no one), how my mom stood there, not saying a word, no touch of comfort, and my dad asking me if i was mental, what's wrong with me, did i need to see a shrink? all said in a quite demeaning way because in those days mental health issues were ignored for the most part, and, yeah, only the 'mentals' went for professional help.
i told her i stopped crying after that, didn't cry again until i began therapy, about 25 yrs. later. she said she thought it was quite a shaming thing for them to do, like it was shameful for me to have emotions. i felt it in my gut, like i'd been punched. thought that came to mind, and that i was able to speak aloud were that i had been shamed away from being human, having emotions. shamed into being a robot w/o feelings.
since i've never really felt ashamed before, this was a revelation to me. however, i can see the alexithymia written all over it. i didn't go to my mom's memorial service cuz i didn't want to let anyone see me cry - i had to be strong, and i was afraid i wouldn't be able to. it's why i could have no empathy for others. why i was confused so much of the time, why i never felt heartbreak all those times my heart had been broken, never felt the pain, humiliation, none of it during my life.
i've been struggling with this all day, and not doing well. it's so huge. i was able to flash thru a bit of it focusing on the image of my nurturing angel to comfort me, get me away from them, take me to a cloud where she embraced me and said soothing words (but not before flipping my parents off with one of her feathers!), told me there's no shame to being human, no guilt to being human, and no weakness to being human. it was lovely to have help with this - it took no energy out of me.
however, it's been a disturbing concept to me all day. the idea that i was shamed for being human is huge to me - it denies my entire self as a valid entity. tonite i still can't settle. it's nearly unbelievable something like this could happen, but in my gut i know it's true. my T said she'd like to talk to my 13-yr. old self next time, and i think she included my folks in that conversation as well. i told her i can't see it, but i'm willing to give it a shot.
this memory has been worked on several times during the years, including w/ emdr, but for some reason it never 'took'. maybe i wasn't ready, or maybe, no, for sure no one had connected it to shaming before. i know i should (should?) be glad of this breakthrough, but i'm in such distress and pain right now, i don't know if it's worth it.
my T had thought of 3 specific topics for working on today, i picked this one cuz it seemed the most concrete and the easiest, since i'd already done work on it before. little did i know! once again, i find myself in a dark place, not wanting to do this anymore, just disappearing, running away, just having the pain stop, the disturbance roiling inside me to leave. as i sat outside later, i felt my brain sort of untangling somehow, as if something tightly wound had loosened. i began fearing for my sanity, which has been on my mind all day. losing that would be worse than death to me.
Gentle hugs, san. That does sound like a very big thing to work through. Wishing you peace and the energy to work on this.
(btw, I love the mental image of the angel flipping "the bird" to them)
What a big and tremendous thing to uncover and connect. I hope your angel brings you comfort.
CF and rainy - thank you both. :hug: :hug:
altho i feel a bit more put together today, i still feel fragile. tried to respond on someone's post, couldn't. can't talk about this anymore right now.
:bighug:
thank you for that lovely hug, notalone. :hug:
going downhill, talked to my T today, she said she/we have to do something more for me. after next week she'll be gone 2 1/2 weeks. i'm glad for her but scared to be w/o her cuz of all these dam triggers and what they do to me. i feel like i'm saying the same things over and over, but they keep getting darker and darker. thank god for my D - she's keeping me alive. it's very dark where i live right now.
don't know if i should be saying these kinds of things here. i'm not suicidal, but . . . i continue to be more and more miserable with each memory/experience/situation from my past that i explore. each realization, each new emotion, every memory that has shredded me, they all take turns coming up and slapping me down. i've struggled to keep myself alive and sane all my life, and now i have to do it thru my recovery. i'm supposed to be feeling better for doing this, but each new issue brings it's own stultifying issues to deal with on top of the original ones.
there have been some improvements but having to recognize and feel what was beyond my scope before is overwhelming me. i'm doing what i can to make it to tomorrow. how many times have i said that? seems like every other week now. my T wants to build up my resilience to these emotional bombshells, but i don't see how. i've built brick walls, bulletproof windows, a pressure cooker image - nothing stays, nothing keeps protecting me, nothing allows me to feel safe for more that an hour or so. i'm living on fumes. give me strength. please.
just had to vent. maybe i'll feel better tomorrow.
hi sanmagic
Just wanted to let you know that you are cared for so much here. I hope tomorrow is better and that some joy and peace visit you today somehow.
Gentle hugs and wishes for you to be less overwhelmed. You are incredibly strong even if you don't feel it right now :hug:
Hugs from me as well, san. Here's wishing you some peace and less overwhelm. :hug:
San, I really get it. I wish I could offer answers or comfort. My T will be gone for 2 weeks and that isn't for a few months, and I already feel anxiety about that, so I understand about being scared about your T being gone 2 1/2 weeks. I care about you, San.
Sending tons of strength to you, along with softness. And gentle reminders it is ok to take a break from processing. You shouldn't have to relive these things so close together. It's OK to just focus on pulling back together and gaining strength for the things you love.
:wave:
Hi San,
I'm sorry you're feeling that way. I often feel like things "get" to me and I can't protect myself. I feel like I've felt this way my whole life which is maybe why I'm so sensitive around other people. Since I started experimenting with different vitamins and amino acids, I've noticed that some make me feel more susceptible and "weak" and others give me a bit more resilience. I did the Braverman Assessment and there apparently are different states related to dominant neurotransmitters in the brain. I don't know if it is proven etc just that when I took substances that increased my serotonin and GABA (?) (5-HTP/L-theanine), I became more susceptible and not in a good way.
Braverman's opinion is that "producing too much GABA may ratchet up your nurturing tendencies to the point where you ignore your own needs or end up getting hurt. You may spend too much energy looking for love, and then relying too heavily on you mates. You may look too much to authority figures for advice and continuously craving and following the advice of others." I'm just a person experimenting and forming opinions based on my own experiences but perhaps it might be a starting point. Given what we discussed elsewhere about addiction and DRD2 receptors, this might be of interest on how dopamine and a lack of dopamine can hinder our response to conditioned fear: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30179855/
Sending you support :hug:,
dolly
phil, thank you for your kind words. they made me smile. :hug:
hey, CF, i appreciate your well wishes a lot. thank you. :hug:
notalone, your caring about me touched me warmly. thank you. :hug:
hey, armee, thanks for the reminder of taking a break. part of the reason i haven't been here in a while was just that. things were settling, and i didn't want to write or read about more pain cuz it felt like it would stir it up inside me, and i just wanted to rest. :hug:
and a :wave: back atcha, larry. :hug:
dolly, thanks for all the info and the support. i may look more closely into it at a later time, but right now my brain doesn't have the energy. still, i appreciate it. :hug:
as i said above, things seem to have settled with me the past few days. today in therapy we did a bit of flash tech. on a memory of me saying good-bye to my first mex. love when i was leaving mexico. it was hurtful, dismissive, and full of denial, but for some reason i hadn't let it go yet. working on it today, i was able to understand it's one of those things i couldn't change, couldn't have said anything to change his mind or his words, but was just another man-child i'd gotten involved witj.
cowards is how i see them. so, i've still been in pain, still been crying, but it seems to have a focus and clarity that wasn't there before. mostly it's a profound sadness that i'll just need to get thru. time will help (even tho some of this is from decades ago - i guess time isn't always the answer to traumatized minds).
still, i never properly grieved anyone who left my life, nor parents who weren't there for me, or even the people i've eliminated. not even sure if i've grieved the NC for my D1 enough. too much to think about now, tho. i'm making my way thru, even if it's slow. i'm only consciously realizing lately how much pain and hurt i never felt thru all those experiences. it sucks that i have to feel it now, but i guess it needs to be felt. seems like enough recovery has occurred to make room for these next chapters. tired.
:hug:
I'm glad you took a break, though I miss you when you are gone.
Wishing you energy and hugs through all this. Grief does seem to be the topic lately, doesn't it? I get it when you talk about not feeling grief at the time. It's like our bodies are saying, "ok, now you are able to deal with this." You are not alone in dealing with postponed grief.
armee, the truth is that i miss me, too, when i can't be here, besides missing all of you. it's kind of a horrible feeling to have to isolate myself, even from everyone here, in order for my brain to cool off, settle down, allow me some stability that continuing to dig into my own pain or witnessing the pain of what others here are going thru doesn't help me. it's a lesson i'm slowly learning - to put myself first for self-care. it's a tough one, tho, cuz i want to be here for everyone, but am realizing it's not always best for me. thank you for your kindness and caring, as always, my dear. :hug:
hey, CF, yeah, i've read several grief entries here lately. i think you hit it on the head when you said our bodies (and brains/minds) are finally able to deal with this. thanks so much for your support. :hug:
woke up feeling pretty good today. we'll see what the next trigger brings, but i'll deal with it when/if it happens. i think that's always been the strongest thing about me is the faith i've held that whatever happens i'd deal with it. i held onto that faith thru all my adventures. on the other hand, i don't remember having hope for the future, didn't plan for the future, didn't fear the future (at least not that i could feel) so i think faith took the place of all those entities.
i did some small processing yesterday on the ending of another important relationship in my life i haven't been able to let go of. i may need a bit more to shrink the picture that's been 'haunting' (the idea of hauntology just came to mind) me, again for years and years. this particular good-by happened as i was about to leave mexico with my first mex. love. unfortunately, altho i could see the nature of our past relationship, he denied, dismissed, and demeaned both it and me.
i'm now able to acknowledge the pain and hurt of what he said to me, and that it's time i let that go. even as i was processing, i realized i couldn't change his mind, his way of thinking, or his perspective and need to accept it for what it was - another man who couldn't act like an adult, who was too afraid to speak the truth. another realization was he needed to protect himself for some reason. as i was processing, i watched myself let him be with all his own issues before turning and walking away. and as i was walking, i raised my fist in the air and gave him a one-finger salute.
while i may have more tears to shed about these 2 men i've been working on, i'm not so afraid of being overwhelmed. it seems something shifted with the whole 'shame' thing and my parents not allowing me to have feelings. it was a huge realization. along w/ general shaming, i talked about being ashamed to be female, feminine, or acknowledging my body parts as something to enjoy and be proud of. so much repression (plus it was the 50's, when everything was repressed). to this day i wear baggy tops, but now i realize all that bagginess thru the years was probably a result of being ashamed of my feminine attributes.
and so it goes . . .
I love the part about the one finger salute. Well earned delivery!
thanks, armee. it brought a smile to my face as i pictured myself doing it, too. as always, your support is appreciated. :hug:
Hugs, san, sounds like you're making progress on this issue. I too love the one finger salute sendoff! :)
thanks for another smile, CF, and for your support. :hug:
still feeling more solid this morning. it's kind of a wonderment - after feeling so miserable for so long, this is a little difficult to trust.
well, my time off from therapy has begun - i won't have another session till may 6. my T did ask me to email her while she's gone, tho. she said she'll be thinking of me and wants to hear, good or bad, how i'm doing. very sweet.
so far i'm feeling ok, but honestly, it's difficult to judge anymore just what 'ok' means for me. i'm able to exist with less feelings of distress than at other times, less meds, less cigs. it's hard to gauge anymore. maybe it's more like i feel less miserable than i have. there have been so many layers of how i've felt physically and mentally, i just can't tell.
writing about this made me anxious. there's a clue.
:hug: I know we're not therapists, but we're here to listen to you!
Sending big hugs. Sometimes long breaks have been helpful for me just to put all that on the back burner and decompress, but it's also usually accompanied by a bit of a feeling of desperation too. Let us knownwhat you need. :bighug:
CF, such a sweet offering. thank you for that. :hug:
hey, armee, i believe you're right. we'll see which way this one goes, or if it takes more than one turn. thanks. :hug:
for the past few days, i have to admit i've continued to feel ok. walked 2x today, lifted yesterday, felt less dependent on cigs and meds today. each day counts, i know, and hooray for small victories.
i watched a QE episode tonite about a woman who took care of special needs animals on a rescue farm, and how overworked she was taking care of everyone and everything else. when the fab five came, she nearly collapsed in sobs. they were all concerned about her display of emotion, but i thought i'd do exactly the same if they were to come to take care of me and my D like that.
one thing i couldn't relate to, tho, was the idea that in just 2 days, she was joyful, happy, having unadulterated fun. i could not imagine that happening to me, and i immediately thought of my traumatized background not allowing that to happen. not just in a couple days. i can remember happy, fun-filled times in my life, but never that joyful, hopeful feeling. dang, this crapola interferes so much.
Hi SanMagic,
Firstly, I want to send you a big hug :bighug:
I'm glad that you've continued to feel ok for the past few days. I agree that each day counts, and very much say 'hurray' for small victories. I think they're big victories.
That QE episode you watched, you mentioned that the person became 'joyful, happy, having unadulterated fun' - and that happened in just 2 days - I thought to myself that they've probably edited that programme to depict that, and even if she did feel that way, or appear to feel that way, then maybe she might get a dip in her mood after the cameras and stuff go away. So really it's not authentic that she changed so quickly, but they made a programme. I am sorry, it sounds a bit critical to say that, but I think TV tends to show what they want to, rather than necessarily showing what is 'real'. What I'm trying to say is that I hope you don't let it get you down too much. :hug:
Hope :)
thanks so much, hope, for your perspective. i really appreciated it. you're absolutely right - we have no idea what is happening a month or a year after the cameras stop filming. maybe i might've been the same way, caught up in the moment of loveliness. :hug:
still feeling ok today, but i'm noticing that future worries are creeping in. we may have the possibility to lease a car next month, but it's not for certain, and i can't get excited about it. don't know if credit scores are high enough, that kind of thing. it would be wonderful because it would allow us to go to farmers markets in the area to sell our books (we've had great success with that in the past) and to go to various conventions as well. so, a lot is riding on whether this can actually happen.
i can feel myself pushing these concerns down. i want to let them out here rather than with my D cuz she's very excited about the prospect and is looking forward to having transportation again. it would be wonderful, for sure, as i know i'm going to need to get into the doc's office soon, get all that bloodwork done, have them talk to me about my weight, whether i'm diabetic or not (my blood sugar has run high for at least 45 yrs.) and get referrals for both a dermatologist and an ophthamologist.
the possible medical problems i might be facing have been put on the back burner for years cuz i just couldn't afford looking into them. still pushing them down, but they are beginning to insist on being heard. just thinking about it ramps my anxiety up to the roof. i do have access to a disability transport to wherever i need to go, but i'd much rather be able to go by car. so, yeah, getting a car would be nice.
I can completely understand not wanting to get hopes up about the car. It sure would be nice to have one. So much freedom and opportunity. And disability transports are inconvenient. I'm so glad we are anonymous on this site, but the down side is not getting to do things like read your books, or order jewelry from Bee, etc.
I feel so sad that finances and transportation have had to prevent you from checking on those medical concerns. It's just not right and I'm angry it's so costly.
San, it is unfair when systems work in ways that aren't supportive to people. I hope that all unfolds in a manageable way.
;)
hey, armee, thank you so much for that anger on my behalf. i know it's a crummy way to have to live, being poor, but i really don't know how not to live this way. i'm pretty sick of it, tho, which is a thought that's only raised its head in the past couple weeks. weird. by the by, my food/eating issues book is in the forum's resources section. i also wrote a little something about trauma and eating which was also posted in the blog section. :hug:
rainy, it sure is unfair, but there it is. thanks for the sympathy. and also for the well wishes. much appreciated. :hug:
larry, thanks for stopping by! :hug:
reading another post this morning brought up the subject of saying 'no' to others, and i mentioned i still have a difficult time w/ that, especially w/ my D. in this instance, i believe it's because i wasn't there for her like she needed when she was young, so i want to make up for it. it's like she still has to give me permission to do something i want if it doesn't match up w/ what she wants to do at the time. strange how many aspects of my past still have a stranglehold on me.
this morning the idea of finances spun my head around so badly i had to get up and out of bed, get busy, to chase them away. i'm writing that here in the hopes i can leave it here. i've been noticing, tho, that too often, when i finally feel like i can write about something that seems to have settled a bit with me, just having the words form in my mind and seeing them on the screen stirs it all up again. don't know if i'm having containment problems or those things aren't fully resolved or need more work or what. ugh!
whack-a-mole
That's a lot of trust. Thank you San. I read your blog post and it gave me a lot to think about. I don't identify as having eating issues, but of course I do, just like even though I didn't identify with SH that was still what I was doing. Seeing it is the first step to healing.
I can definitely relate to feeling like something is ok enough to write down or be done with and then finding out rudely through some intense reactions that it's not done with you. It's a slow complicated unraveling of all these tangles we've developed over the decades. Wish it weren't so. Stay safe, dear San.
thank you, armee, as always for your kindness. you have such a gentle soul. and, yeah, reading 'it's not done with you' truly resonated w/in me. boom! and i agree - becoming aware is the first step to healing. how can we heal something we can't/don't see? :hug:
well, i'm taking a cue from rainy, one kind thing a day to myself. all this stress over the past year has wreaked havoc with my eating. i've become so uncomfortable in my body that i finally decided to do something different with my eating patterns and food choices. did a kindness for myself last nite when i didn't reach for food before bed. this is definitely one day at a time, sometimes down to one hour. and i've been adding more water daily, which i know is good for me. plus, all the times i have to run to the bathroom to pee is extra exercise!
altho my T is still gone another week and a half, i'm holding my own. we've been going thru a lot of financial stuff lately, and that's unsettling. plus, we're planning for farmers markets during the summer, which is taking a lot of brainwork. still, all this seems mostly doable w/o extra meds or cigs, so i'm glad of that. baby steps.
Baby steps are great! Good on ya for the kindness for yourself as well. gentle hugs if you want them :)
hey, CF - i always want hugs. being as how i've been starved for touch, even virtual hugs give me a sense of it. thank you for your support. :hug:
this is the first time i'm giving voice, so to speak, about us leasing a car last sat. we didn't expect to take this step until the end of may. my D had tabbed 3 dealerships on fri., and we decided we'd just check them out, see what's going on daily. as it turns out, especially because of the supply chain hold-ups, there are very few cars available. the place we went, i've never seen a car dealership's lot so void of cars. some places even told us they had nothing coming in until the end of june.
at any rate, one guy told us they had 2 new cars which fit what we were looking for, so we took a cab there and 4 hrs. later, lots of laughing and jokes included, we drove home in a new car! unbelievable! my D absolutely loves it - she's never had a new car - and it's all so new to me, incl. the knobbies on the dash, that i'm kind of starstruck. still, what a difference it makes being able to come and go as we please. i'm even hoping to be able to get my dr. lic. again - long shot, but we'll see.
the downside to this has been the crash. it all happened so quickly and unexpectedly, we haven't had time to process, and we both went down the rabbit hole yesterday. she felt a lot of pressure to move our schedule up a month cuz we now had a car for farmers markets and conventions and stuff, and it overwhelmed her. as it did me. we pretty much spiraled out of control all day yesterday.
today, for both of us, shall be a day of rest. w/o my T around, i've missed the stabilization she provides. it's such a weird feeling to get something wanted and needed, brand new to boot, in a thunderbolt such as we experienced Sat. now we need time to let it sink in, process the possibilities it affords, and work to stop worrying about how we're going to afford payments. yeah, there's always that. we have a few months covered, but my D has already put it forward that she'd get a job if her books don't bring in enough money to cover the bills. ugh!
riding on a wing and a prayer.
:bighug:
Thats huge! So fantastic and also scary. Lots of pressure indeed now. Taking it slow is so important.
Hi SanMagic,
I agree with Armee, that is huge, and I'd like to also send you a heartfelt hug, and I am sending a big one :bighug:
Hope :)
armee and hope - those big hugs went straight to my heart. thank you both for those and for your validation and support. you're wonderful.
:hug: :hug:
i really appreciate these responses because sometimes i think i'm making too big a deal about something. i constantly check in with my T as to whether i'm perceiving something to be as bad as i think, as disturbing as i think, or even which emotions might belong to a situation. i'm so used to sweeping my 'self' under the rug to make way for someone else, it's awfully difficult at times to know which 'me' is a truth, and which is a construct.
still discombobulated over the whole car thing, but we can at least get to farmers mkts. as vendors now, so i began part of the process of contacting local fm's in order to get in line for being considered a vendor. unfortunately, my focus and ability to follow online instructions isn't very good - i can't always locate a 'button', don't ever remember to refresh a page, etc. in other words, i got stuck and stumped. i was taking on 2 which are local as a means to help my D not have all the responsibility on her shoulders, but now i've given her more.
i don't hate growing older, but it can be a pain in the tush sometimes, especially with tech stuff. i remember going back to college in my late 20's. previously, i'd mastered the slide rule, could calculate pretty well with that (i just realized some people here have probably never heard of one! lol!) i took a class - don't even remember what - where the instructor told us we could use scientific calculators. everyone was jazzed, i was dumbfounded. never used one, didn't know what all the symbols meant, had to drop the class after my first exam was a 'D'.
so, this kind of thing gets very frustrating for me, and i don't have the energy to learn much about it. i'll be doing the books for my D going forward, and she's teaching me how to use an excel spreadsheet (i was prepared to use a ledger book!). luckily she's so patient cuz i couldn't recall more than one thing she'd told me 3 min. after. i don't doubt my mind/brain is so full of previous knowledge, besides being hindered by trauma stuff that i just need more time and practice, but it's difficult to manage the anxiety that comes with it.
all in all, still lots of stuff going on inside me. even the good stuff, tho, brings up yuck, and i hate not just being able to enjoy something.
Hugs, san! it can be very frustrating when something new flummoxes us. The only way I got through using that calculator in college Statistics was that the prof gave us explicit instructs on what buttons to push for what. (and we probably only used 1/3 of the functions)
A recommendation, if you're going to be using excel? I used to keep some websites bookmarked that had "tips and tricks" for using excel. They were helpful references for brain fog days. A good thing about the internet these days is that you can find simple tutorials for almost anything out there, computer or otherwise, and (most importantly) go at your own pace. Give it time, you'll get it!
here's hoping the farmer's markets are as profitable as possible while being as low on frustration as possible for you. HUGS
Oh I totally see the car thing as a big deal! It adds pressure to use it for all sorts of scary things like selling books, going to doctors and being productive in ways maybe that aren't as fulfilling. Adding to that the stress over paying for the car and yeah...it makes sense it has thrown you both for a spin.
I can't remember any instructions for how to do stuff and I'm not that old. Stupid brain fog indeed. I always wish my husband would write down how to use things like the remote or the coffee machine. No matter how many times he tells me it doesn't stick.
CF, thanks for the tip. i will definitely keep that in mind. really, my computer-lacking brain doesn't think of tutorials and what-not which are online and available. i appreciate this so much. (love the word 'flummox' :hug:
hey, armee, thanks for the validation on the car thing. yeah, brain fog, one of the messier by-products of trauma. it's so frustrating because . . .oooops, almost went down that rabbit hole of what i used to be able to do! nope nope nope. today is what it is, how i am, live and deal with it.
very rough day yesterday, and a sore throat today (stress always brings inflammation for me). setting up these markets, which i didn't do correctly, we had to start over, even tho i actually sent in an application for one, but my D didn't want to go that far yet -------- ugh!
i'm consciously noticing now how my mind gets on the track it thinks is best, correct, or expected, and follows thru it till the end. like this mkt. application - when we had talked about me contacting 2 of them, my brain went to applying to them. it's like i skip the middle steps which might be there, but what i'm focused on is the end goal, how's the most efficient way to get there.
it's not always true (like when i went on road trips, i did get gas, check the oil and tires, etc. before starting to drive - or at least usually. now i'm thinking of it, lots of times i'd fill 'er up and drive cuz everything was working fine the day before) but, yeah, usually. how to get from a to b in as few steps as possible. checking interim details just doesn't always come to mind. it's always worked for me like that.
now, however, especially w/ so much of this done online and my sparse comfort w/ it, i really get disheveled brain-wise. i started out the day yesterday w/ this, ended up having to do everything completely over and in a different way (don't apply yet, simply email them to see if there's room) and it completely knocked me for a loop the rest of the day. i'd started exercising again, but yesterday, and today, i'm so weary i have no ooomph to do anything physical.
a tear just ran down my face. this is so disheartening.
:bighug:
Give yourself a rest day, if you can....mental and physical.
I'm sorry things with the markets got off kilter. Easy mistake to make jumping the gun a little on the process.
The tear seems like an appropriate thing though, letting yourself feel that frustration and heartache.
You have done a lot. You do a lot.
thanks, armee. i do plan to rest today. already told my D i'm broken, so not to expect much out of me. i so appreciate you. :hug:
:hug:
You are not broken. You are human.
armee, you have a way of seeing things and articulating them so succinctly, they can turn my head around and bring a warm smile to my heart. thank you so. :hug:
was able to sleep today, which felt good. my D and i have had a couple conversations about how getting this car ahead of time really rocked our worlds. we didn't expect to even try for one till the end of next month, so it was like our timeline was pushed up 5 weeks. we were able to discern the difference, and it calmed my D down a lot to know we don't have to rush everything but can take our time as if the car thing was on the original schedule. whew!
we've both been comforted by the fact of this, can just enjoy having a car for now and make our plans for the markets on a more relaxed schedule, which has soothed nerves that have been standing on edge for several days. we have tables and chairs and other whatnot that goes along with being vendors that we still have to buy, so we were able to put all that into a more comfortable place as well. it truly is amazing how past trauma and present remains of it can color everything we see, hear, think, anticipate, etc.
also, having been saturated with stress for so long, it's hard to tell when we're too stressed and need to take a break, or when it's just a blip and something we can push thru. for the most part, right now, we need more breaks than anything else. so difficult, tho, to make the distinction and the change needed so as to avoid more burnout or feelings of brokenness.
hi sanmagic7 :)
congratulations on the new car!! and on being able to slow down the timeline ...
I totally can relate to not knowing whether something is push thru-able or whether it's time to breathe and sit back. I'm glad you and your D were able to do this so successfully.
I hope your day is beautiful and you find joy wherever you look
;), thank you for being here, you are amazing !
phil, thanks for those lovely words. we are enjoying the car, which has been great. as far as slowing down, i've found that to be more difficult than i anticipated. had to make a big shift yesterday in allowing my D to take the lead on all this. it's her ballgame - she's the pitcher, i'm the catcher. w/ that realization brings a new attitude, so a big change yesterday all in all. :hug:
larry, thank you so for your kind and generous words. they're so appreciated, as are you. :hug:
it's been a week since we got the car and we've been laying in supplies, corresponding w/ markets to see where we might want to go. my D is so very good at breaking these things down into doable pieces. i'm more of a full boar ahead gal. (or is it full-bore?) at any rate, yesterday was a day of adjustment to me, figuring out my place in all these doings.
she's got a great head for what we need, when do we need it, what's to be done and when, how to respond to the people who run the mkts. i just haven't had as much experience as her. but, it's been like i've been assigned certain jobs in this enterprise and i have a way of perceiving what needs to be done, then she comes along and tells me to change certain things. it was a bit of a rough day.
feeling a little better about it all today. dang, all these changes, new directions now. i'm here to help, of course, but this is not how . . .i don't know. i said the other day that i keep doing things cuz i want to feel useful, and she asked if i had a hard time retiring. things spun in my head about how many people have difficulty retiring cuz their purpose for living is gone, and many get sick and die soon after.
in my case, tho, i think it's more that i was forced to retire way too early cuz of being ill. it felt like something i loved was taken away from me against my will. i mean, i'd still be doing therapy if i could. but because of my illness i lost my dr. lic. (which equated to my independence and sense of freedom) and my way to make a decent income. i don't know - it all swirls around, feels like i was robbed at gunpoint.
i've talked about getting my lic. now that we have a car, but i think my D is a bit leery of it - she knows how stressed i get, how my anxiety goes from 1 to 100 in seconds. somehow a part of me fears that but another part of me feels like the road was one place where i felt safe. yep, safe is the correct term. i was on my own, no expectations but my own, and i could forgive myself anything there - the wrong turn simply meant a little side adventure.
big sigh. so now i'm writing books that she'll probably never get to and i can't afford an editor, am her major support system, and have taken on proofreading and bookkeeping for her, as well as editing her books. i'm busy, and i'm glad of that. i just get scared of making mistakes that affect her and her work. it takes a toll.
been down with stress flu the past few days - all the excitement and newness of the past week, while it would usually be considered positive, was absolutely too much to take in and be ok with. my D has also been suffering from it. it's a shame this beast does not allow me to enjoy it when good things come into my life. i can't be happy about it at some level when i'm feeling so crummy because of it. a freakin' merry-go-round. angry about it - whew, that just hit me.
love the benefits of writing this stuff down. didn't know i was angry, but i felt it just now. :pissed:
Congratulations on your new car. That is great, although I also see how the newness and all of the other things going on are stressful.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 30, 2022, 02:25:10 PM
in my case, tho, i think it's more that i was forced to retire way too early cuz of being ill. it felt like something i loved was taken away from me against my will. i mean, i'd still be doing therapy if i could. but because of my illness i lost my dr. lic. (which equated to my independence and sense of freedom) and my way to make a decent income. i don't know - it all swirls around, feels like i was robbed at gunpoint.
I felt so sad and angry when I read this. Yes, your trauma robbed you of something that you loved. :pissed:
notalone, thank you for not only the congratulations, but the emotions on my behalf. they are so appreciated. and your words were exactly what i needed to hear. such wonderful validation. :hug:
finally feeling better today and was able to walk this morning and lift a few weights. as i was walking up the stairs, i told my D that this is how my life is going to be from here on in - some kind of reaction to pos. or neg. circumstances, feeling crummy for a while, then picking myself back up and getting back to the routine i like. it was a good thing, i think, to have that realization and acceptance for myself and the way my mind and body work. i think it eased some tension w/in me.
moving forward for the moment. my T returns fri. there's a lot to discuss.
Oh San, it's not fair how much trauma took away, including work and freedom.
I trust you to know if driving is too much stress. Dmv decides if you are fit to drive. It might feel really good to get your license.
hey, armee,
as a matter of fact, i don't know if driving will be too much stress. in my heart, driving is a natural part of me, road trips (alone or with others) were where i felt at home, and being behind the wheel is where i live. however, it's a big 'but' my mental/emotional status can turn on a dime for me, if i'm honest w/ myself, and one of the greatest sources of pleasure for me may, indeed, be out of my reach. if possible, i'm gonna give it a shot, tho, as soon as some of this settles down. thanks once again for your vote of confidence. :hug:
crashed hard after shower and shopping today, and i feel like i've gone backward once more w/ feeling stress flu. but it was nice to think of driving again. if i look inside my mind, there's a real part that believes once i got behind the wheel, all good things would fall into place again, and there'd be nothing to worry about. i don't know if that's true, tho, as much as i'd like it to be. we can only wait and see.
in the meantime, taking tomorrow off, rafa in the morning, which is a great way to start the day, then rest and relax the rest of the time. no walk - too much effort at the moment. gotta lay low till this rights itself. i'm off keel.
Hey, san, I totally get needing to take the time to relax and recalibrate. Hope you feel better soon. gentle hugs if you want them.
thanks, CF. hugs are always welcome! always! :hug:
been sick w/ stress flu, still not ok. it's been a long 2 weeks. my T is back tomorrow, but i'm not going to talk much - still need to rest and heal.
It's really really not fair this stress flu takes you down so much. You deserve to feel free and GOOD! But I know you'll get there again, and soon. It sounds very wise to take it slow and easy in therapy this week. I don't know if it's true for you but for me it takes it takes week to work through relationship kinks when T returns from being gone. Nothing major just a little distance and such.
Driving sounds like a great thing to look forward to.
armee, thank you so for your sympathetic and kind words. so appreciated. :hug:
finally feeling better today. it's been a long week. we also found out today that we'll be able to stay in our apt. another year. the car and the apt. were my 2 biggest concerns in the past month. it was great to be able to lease the car, but not knowing if we'd be able to live here in another month still weighed heavily on my shoulders.
one of the first things i told my D after visiting the apt. office was that now i am looking forward to finally finishing my room. i stopped working on it cuz if i couldn't stay here, i saw no reason to go any farther with it. on the other hand, it still doesn't quite seem real. i still have a feeling in the back of my mind that this car is just a loaner from our old neighbor, and in a few weeks we'll have to give it back. ant the apt. news, well, over the past week i've been saying we could live in the car if we had to, go back to mex. if it came to being homeless. yep, i went all the way there.
so, now i'm breathing a little easier, but it's still difficult to believe all the way. almost doesn't seem real, like i'm going to wake up.
It is so difficult...scary, painful, to let our guards down when things seem good. Keeping our guards up a little waiting for the other shoe to drop increases our suffering but lessens the fear of deep pain.
BUT that is fantastic news about apartment! This stability and mobility is just what you need. Have FUN unpacking your room and making it yours. Congrats! You can always make room for the slight discomfort of knowing things could change, but that for now, you have wheels and a home.
Huge congratulatory hugs San! The kind where you dance around a little! :bighug: :waveline: :fireworks:
Keep breathing and let the reality of the car and the apartment sink in. We accept and experience the bad so much, it can be difficult to trust the good. :bighug:
Catastrophizing is something we do really well, isn't it? I resonate with you on the "x leads to y, which means homeless" fear. So glad you're safe for another on that front. Congrats! hugs
armee, you made me smile with your celebrations on my behalf and that lovely embracing hug. thank you so. i'm finding it more difficult as i grow older and have had too many experiences where major life situations of stability have been ripped out from under me in one way or another, to trust that this time i'll be able to stay put and make a home for myself. :hug:
notalone, thanks for the reminder. it's so very easy to stop breathing, stay in a freeze mode of holding one's breath. i know i just have to give this time to know in my bones it's true. and thank you for that wonderful big hug. love it! :hug:
CF, i didn't even realize i was catastrophizing until you named it. it disturbed me but only for the reason that this is so common for survivors and i somehow feel guilty or less than perfect (dare i say it? ugh!) for what feels like succumbing to the beast. like i should (there's that word) have been able to see that coming and sidestep it somehow. unrealistic expectations of myself - again! those have had a hard time dying. thank you for your observation. :hug:
was feeling pretty good yesterday morning, sounded good when i first began talking to my T, but w/in minutes, as i was going over the events of the past 2 weeks, my voice got hoarser and my throat more painful. the stress symptoms came back simply from talking about everything. i just hate this. today, right now, i feel better again, but i know i'm on the edge and need to keep resting.
It's such a friggin tenuous dance....pushing enough to heal without going too far. And too far never feels like it is very far at all and those shoulds come back. I'll wish for nothing but joyful and beautiful and strengthening things for you today. :hug:
armee, i so appreciate you and your well wishes for me. it's getting there - it always has. :hug:
i talked to my D about finishing up my room next week. she agreed. there's a lot we have left to do to make this our cute home, but now that we know we'll be here for another year, and other things are being taken care of, we'll find the energy eventually - sooner rather than later. i'm looking forward to having our place set up and finished more than i realized - just discovered it as i was typing. yeah, it'll be nice to feel settled.
talked w/ my t yesterday, no working on issues, but just an hour of talking sent me reeling into feeling sick again. i guess rest for me has to include being silent as much as possible, which is against my nature. i have a strong need to be heard. so, felt crappy and a half yesterday - again! - and it's exhausting. this is nearly 3 weeks now, since we got our car and were able to do some shopping, that i've felt like crapola. so very tired of it all.
finally had a good day yesterday, am feeling ok today, too. yay! one thing that kind of threw me for an emotional loop tho was that my mex. hub asked me to lend him money till july. he's in a bad place financially - since he fell and shattered his wrist, he hasn't been able to walk (crutches cuz of polio when he was a kid), hasn't been able to find work. other stuff also happened, he's been nearly bedridden for over a year. anyway, very sad story, for sure.
on the other hand, when i lived with him, he'd borrow money every so often, telling me he'd pay me back. i ate every one of those 'loans', so our history told me i can't trust him to do what he says. it made me feel terrible to turn him down by saying we don't have money to lend cuz of our expenses now, but i know he heard me say a while ago that my D got an investor and all he saw were $$$$ in front of his eyes.
it felt like telling him the whole truth (we really don't have money to give away, and in essence, that's what would be going on here), that i don't trust him to pay us back would just be an unnecessary jab. i also know he has sisters both in mex. and in the states who could probably afford to give him money. the whole thing was just very disturbing to me and i wrestled w/ it all day. still hard to say no to someone i care about.
just now, i remembered a post i read about setting boundaries so as not to give more than is good for ourselves. i believe that's what i'm doing here - taking care of myself even when someone else is in trouble. that sounds awful to my heart, tho. boundaries are so tough at times. this kind of riled me up again be revisiting it. time to stop.
:wave: :hug:
I 100% agree that what you have done is set good healthy boundaries that take into consideration what you and D need. And I am very proud of you. I can tell how hard it was to say no and that you would like to help him. But since you are worried about affording very basic expenses like a vehicle and an apartment I think you made the right choice. I also remember that you have put off medical care too. Once you take care of you then you can extend that care outward to people who are deserving of that whether through their own kindness or hardship.
:grouphug:
You're a good human, San, and have given so much of yourself to others. I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself here.
Glad too you are having a good day. Well earned so eat it up! Relish it! Sunbathe in it! High fives and hugs! :hug:
bach, :wave: back atcha! thanks so much for the hug and the acknowledgment of my being, :hug:
armee, thanks so much for the validation and encouragement re: keeping my boundaries. it was tough, but i don't regret it. :hug:
gotta do some work today on my D's business plan. it just has to be done even tho i don't feel i have quite the energy for it. but i'll soldier thru.
Hi SanMagic,
I think you are amazing that you handled that situation so well - keeping some firm and healthy boundaries regarding your ex's request for money. I also feel proud of you, and I see your caring and lovely nature, and how hard it was to you to assert those boundaries, but the fact is that you are acknowledging the needs of you and your D, and that's great self-care.
I hope that your work on your D's business plan has gone well - I hope you got some energy to get through it. :hug:
Hope :)
hope, you are so sweet for saying all that you said. thank you so. i did find the energy to get the books straight, and it went well. :hug:
yesterday an incident while we driving to the store really disturbed me. with all the racially-motivated shootings, etc. that have been going on here in the states, seeing it on the news helps keep a sort of distance, even tho it's so distressing to know what's going on (i've had to keep my news watching down to about 5 min./day cuz i can't stand what's happening in this country - besides what's going on with the ukraine people, it'll make me sick if i know too much).
still, i witnessed first-hand what is happening, and my innards wanted to scream out in pain and sorrow. as my D and i sat at a stoplight, there was a car both to the left and right of us. suddenly, some white man was screaming out racial slurs and obscenities to someone in the car to the right of us. it was frightful to hear and see. just awful.
after returning home, the thought crossed my mind, what w/ the mass shootings that have been taking place, that we were lucky the guy on the left didn't pull out a gun and start shooting. the past several years i've been thinking that the situation here is madness, but this took it one step into something even worse. i can hardly bear to live here, surrounded by all this hate.
i've lived w/ the beliefs and actions of my D1, the hate she's spewed about me to her friends, (and whoever else might be in her vicinity, including professionals she's worked w/) and it was awful to know such a feeling was going on about me, surrounding me, poisoning the minds of people around her towards me. this incident yesterday, the stench of it, the magnitude of it, how people of color have had to live with this forever in this country - well, it's unfathomable to me. the trauma they have had to live with, i truly don't know how they've done it. my heart goes out to them.
in the meantime, it's getting more frightening daily to live here. i can feel it under my skin.
gentle hugs if you want them! I too have had to cut back my news intake while recognizing I have the privilege to do so. It is really scary lately. If I were 20 years younger, I'd be healthy enough to go join protests, but being disabled... I also have to fight a feeling of frustration at not being able to help in that way anymore. And as we all learn, sometimes we have to take care of ourselves first. I'm with you on the news diet.
hey, CF, hugs are always welcome. thank you. i love the phrase news diet - very clever. and i've thought exactly the same as you - if i were younger, i'd take to the streets. have already done so in my youth and it felt good to be part of something trying to bring about awareness. alas, no can do anymore. as they say, the spirit is willing but the flesh is too old and weak. we do what we can when we can. thanks for your support. :hug:
that incident was more disturbing than i thought at first. my tendency is to tuck such things away after acknowledging they happened, hoping that's it for me. as i'm learning, tucking doesn't make it go away - it only hides it for a while. yesterday saw me somewhat out of sorts for the entire day. it births a fear that hadn't been there before so my anxiety simply ramps up. it's a nagging feeling.
i'll have to do some emdr on this tomorrow. i can feel it trying to wind me up more and more as i write.
Seeing someone that angry and hateful would be frightening. :hug: I limit my news watching also. I do find reading the newspaper to be better for me. I can decide what I want to read and how much. T.V. news just comes at you.
good idea, notalone. thanks for that and the validation. i appreciate it and you. :hug:
did some emdr on that rising fear i was distressed about, and thankfully it was taken care of. i was so wired afterward - sheer relief to be rid of it, i think - that when my D and i went grocery shopping, i danced my way thru the store. i was invigorated, felt free, and absolutely didn't care what others might be thinking. it was wonderful!
so, on w/ my life. i've begun a new book in my shapeshifter series. it's exciting to begin a new one - all the possibilities of what might happen to who, what problems will come up, how will they be resolved - everything is an anticipation to be unfolded. i love anticipation - it's such a big part of any journey i undertake.
dang, this enthusiasm sounds so different coming from me. for so long, it seems, i've been so low, down in the dumps. something shifted in a big, positive way during session. it's like i can see light again. :sunny:
:cheer: So glad to see the EMDR helped and yay on feeling better! My mental image of you dancing through a store makes me smile.
I love the idea of you dancing through the store. :party:
CF and notalone - you both gave me the gifts of grins after i read your posts. thanks so much for them. :hug: :hug:
thankfully, i'm still doing ok. feels like i'm ready to go back to work on some of my other issues now. was able to lift some weights this morning, and i have some energy that's been lacking for a while. getting rid of that fear made me feel much lighter. i'm not used to being afraid of most anything and i didn't realize, until it was gone, just how debilitating it was for me to be carrying it around. i like this much better.
Oh dear San I am so happy that you have some relief and freedom now! You worked HARD for that! Trauma work is always a dance...a little forward, a little back, until we find we've managed to dance across the whole grocery store! Whoot whoot!
(I'm with you on how disgusting and frightening the racism is here. It is heartbreaking what African Americans and other non-white races go through here and it is nothing short of massively traumatizing. Daily fear, daily fawning, daily constant hyperalertness trying to read the people close to you and strangers alike. I've been feeling lately like racism is about as bad now as it ever was.)
armee, thanks for your happiness on my behalf. it was truly exhilarating to be able to do that w/o caring what anyone else thought. and i have to agree with you on the racism here. in my lifetime, i've seen it ebb and flow, but never as bad as it is now. of course, i don't have slavery or cultural trauma that others have in their past, so my perspective is limited by what i see, hear, and learn. but, it's horrendous right now, i do know that. :hug:
rough therapy today. i'll write more later. still trying to process the idea that i was traumatized physically, mentally, and emotionally by the time i was 2 days old. my T called it tragic. i'm very sad.
that really is tragic sanmagic. I'm sorry you're feeling sad. :hug:
In my job I see so much racism ... I just got off the phone with someone telling me to send a white person. It hurts my heart.. I always tell them how wrong and horrible their comments are ( their response usually tells me whether to take care of them or not). This person apologized but I'm still left worried about how they will treat our team. So a note goes on their file "racist" ... something I thought I might need to do a handful of times.. not dozens and dozens of times. Disgusting and frightening are two very apt words
Sending strong supportive hugs your way.
:bighug:
HUGS
phil, thanks for your validation. and i can't express how sorry i am about your experiences w/ racism. it's just not right. :hug:
thanks for the hugs, armee. love them and back atcha! :hug:
love that embracing hug, notalone. thank you so. :bighug:
thank you so, CF, for those hugs. they're great!
it was difficult to realize yesterday how much abuse i'd already endured before i'd even gotten out of the hospital when i was born. we did some emdr flash on my image of what it might have been like - i saw my parents in the hospital room, my mother holding me, my dad saying i was the ugliest baby he'd ever seen, (joke or not, i don't think my mom responded) my face bruised, my eye puffed up with a cut next to it. and neither of them cooing over me, poor baby, you poor little thing - no compassion or nurturing for my injury (my mom loved babies, but from experience in later years, she didn't do well with me when things were out of sorts in my life).
then i imagined grown me standing on the other side of the hospital room door, knowing what was and was not going on with me and my parents, and i slammed the door open, rushed in feeling like an avenging angel, started yelling at them for their non-care of this precious baby, took baby me from my mother and began rocking her in my arms, loving words, compassionate words. i was so angry at them, so sad for me, i burst into tears in real life, cried for a good 10 min. very painful and hurting.
someone else mentioned feeling worse after therapy - well, this was one of those times for me. i'm ok now, kind of on a plateau of what i felt yesterday. i know it was good to get those tears out, feel that pain, flush more of the poison from my system, but dang!
Quote from: sanmagic7 on May 25, 2022, 02:01:09 PM
then i imagined grown me standing on the other side of the hospital room door, knowing what was and was not going on with me and my parents, and i slammed the door open, rushed in feeling like an avenging angel, started yelling at them for their non-care of this precious baby, took baby me from my mother and began rocking her in my arms, loving words, compassionate words. i was so angry at them, so sad for me, i burst into tears in real life, cried for a good 10 min. very painful and hurting.
I wish I knew how to respond to this, other than with a supportive hug and a tear or two of my own.
That is a really powerful image of you storming in and loving that precious baby. She is so worthy of that love. :hug:
Thank you for sharing about your experience - that is such a heavy thing to have carried. I hope that the "flush" feels supportive in the long run.
phil, i so appreciate what you said. thanks for all of it. :hug:
rainy, i think you're referring to the 'flash', not flush. it's an emdr technique that allows one to get thru memories w/o having to relive the pain. in my case, i didn't realize how much pain their in/actions caused. this was the first time i was able to experience it, and express it thru tears, the appropriate expression, w/o anyone trying to shush me. and, in my experience, flash technique has been extremely helpful, giving me relief and a wider view/new perspective on how to manage the results of my trauma. thank you so for your support. :hug:
doing a bit better the past couple days. more energy, a little less brain drain, altho i still don't remember a lot of things, even 5 min. later. i'm looking at that as trauma brain - i don't want to think i'm losing my mind. mostly what i forget are tv shows or movies i've seen, but i think it's cuz there are more important things for me to remember.
San- that was a lot of heavy work, and some really powerful imagery. Gentle hugs for you as you rest up from that big purge.
thanks, CF, for the acceptance and support. :hug:
You deserved so much love and care and it's so dang beautiful to read about you rushing in to save and protect and love baby you. 🧡
armee, thank you so much for that validation. :hug:
more to come, especially about being dismissed and denied in so many ways from so many people. i believe it's why i tell certain stories to others, even here, over and over. i'm attempting to be seen and my feelings/experiences given a weight of recognition. you all did that for me here w/ your responses and i'm so grateful.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on May 28, 2022, 02:32:30 PM
i believe it's why i tell certain stories to others, even here, over and over. i'm attempting to be seen and my feelings/experiences given a weight of recognition.
I do that too. To be seen and validated is crucial.
thanks, notalone. i so agree. i don't think i realized it before tho, at least not consciously. :hug:
so much has happened since i last wrote, but i want to acknowledge how much of a difference it made to me to hear such kind, caring words about my experience being born. i've never had that before that i can remember. the validation part, for one - i'm realizing how little i've gotten, just about that story, altho i've told it to others throughout my life.
on the other hand, people here jumped on the validation train, saying such sweet things, kind and caring, sympathetic. i think 'sympathetic' has been a key component here. it's been so heartfelt from people here. i often wonder if i'm making too big a thing out of an experience in my life that's affected me negatively because too often when i've spoken to someone about it, i didn't really feel any sympathy from them, even if they said things like 'ugh' or 'oh' or just stared at me until the subject got changed.
here, the amount of care i felt was remarkable. you all validated my feelings about that situation, and made me feel like my experience was worth such an image as swooping in and taking that baby away from her parents to give her some sympathy and words of kindness and caring, instead of mocking her for the way she looked. i once told my T that i couldn't even do the birth thing 'right' in my father's eyes.
so, thank you all again. this was invaluable to me. it helped put my fears of making too much out of this incident to rest.
this morning i'm going to an optometrist to see about fixing my eye. hard to explain, but i either nicked the inside of my eyelid and there's now a scar or something that's been rubbing against my eyeball, or a hair has been caught in there and i haven't been able to reach it or wash it out. hopefully, it will get fixed this morning. this has been a part of my physical misery for about 4 days now.
i also had a dream a few days ago where i relived my entire experience w/ hub #1, his cheating on me and leaving me when i was 7 1/2 mos. pregnant. i spoke while i was sleeping, woke myself up. i'd heard him say 'i need you' and my response was 'if you needed me, why did you throw me away?' then, out loud, i angrily said 'this was your choice.'
it shook me to relive all that. i've been sitting w/ it for several days - my T was sick for our session yesterday - but i want to remember it cuz i really haven't attacked much about him and our relationship during therapy. there's been so much else that's seemed more important. when i look at that sentence and remember the dream, i'm seeing how much of a big deal that was in my life, how horrible, and how i've absorbed it along w/ everything else in order to keep going w/ my life. will it never end??? we've barely touched on my D1 yet, either. dang!!!
San, I appreciate your reflection on the understanding received here versus in daily life. I was listening to a podcast this morning where the topic of discussion was related to people in abusive relationships. One of the hosts said something about how difficult it must be to go through life with the feeling that others are dangerous. It made me feel like an other to hear that and I appreciate that folks here understand. I can relate to your experience of feeling like your experience "isn't as big of a deal" when others respond with vibes of "can we move on?" I appreciate that we are here together. I hope your eye feels better soon.
:hug: hi san
How terribly overwhelming to feel like there's just so much more to uncover.. like it'll never end.
I have to admit thinking this too lately as I sit with 6 sessions left and wanting to cover everything hahaha.
I can't even imagine bringing up my ex-wife or any other perpetrator .. just not enough time...
I hope you can enjoy some peace and that you find joy in a few places today.. and good luck with your eye appointment!!
ps.. I feel exactly like you do about this place.. like this is where all the cool cats play ... the ones who understand :)
rainy, i appreciate your words of support and being able to relate to the 'not a big deal' issue, altho i'm sorry you've experienced it, too. thank you so. :hug:
phil, a big grin thinking about the 'cool cats'! very clever - i loved it! thanks for your support. interesting that you mentioned joy and peace for me. they sound pretty alien. :hug:
the eye got fixed - there was something that had been stuck under my eyelid for several months, so, altho the pain is pretty much gone, i'm still dealing w/ discomfort until it all heals. but i also found out that my eyes are pretty much ok and i don't really have to worry about them right now. that was a relief!
so, i'm in physical healing mode, which is probably distracting me from emotional issues. just doing what i need to do in order to make it to tomorrow. that's all i got.
Glad your eye is on a healing path, san. A day at a time is all we can do. gentle hugs if you want them.
The amount of stuff to muck through can feel overwhelming. Each shovelful gets us closer though.
I'm glad your eye is mostly OK. :hug:
Hi San,
Glad your eye is fixed. Sometimes a pause is helpful for us to stand back and get some distance and perspective about what's going on.
Sending you support,
dolly
thanks, CF. i agree, one day, then another day, etc. it really has helped to keep moving along. :hug:
armee, i love the image of the shovel and the muck. and you're correct - each one does get us closer. thank you. :hug:
dolly, you speak the truth. because i wasn't so much in my head w/ these physical things, i was able to look at other things that are pressuring my D and me and see them thru a new lens. thanks. :hug:
feeling much better today, physically. both my eye and my nailbed feel a lot more healed, which has caused a lot less pain and discomfort.
i've been thinking of the mental/emotional health of my D and me lately. we've had plans to go to farmers markets this summer to sell our books - she came into some money specifically to make that possible - and we've been able to buy the necessities to make that a reality for us. however, as much as i love being at the markets and interacting w/ the people, i've begun wondering if this is a good idea for us this year, let alone starting this month.
she just went to the doc yesterday because of symptoms that made it feel like her throat was closing at times, discovered they're due to stress. while i've been battling this for many years, the way her body reacts to stress (usually, as i've found for myself, in ways that don't make sense and can be terrifying) is something new for her.
with her stress levels already ramped up to affect her body in bizarre ways, and my own not really ok sense of being, i'm thinking we should at least put it off for this month, just get that out of the way. i remember telling her a long time ago when she was struggling w/ this stuff at work, to make up her mind the night before (instead of 'i'll wait and see how i feel tomorrow') that she was going to call in sick the next day and get it off her mind. it did help her, and i'm thinking it might do so again.
so, now i sit and wonder if/when would be a good time to bring this up. she often doesn't like to hear things from me (no doubt due to her childhood) cuz she's still so fiercely independent and kind of stuck in how it was for her growing up. but, i think it's worth a shot. i know she's feeling the pressure of having to decide, and when i thought of skipping the entire season this year, it brought tears to my eyes. that's a sure sign my thought process struck a nerve. i just don't think we're in any shape yet to do this.
and my chest tightened up as i wrote that, my face saddened, and i wish it were different. accepting some realities are harder than others.
Hi SanMagic,
You are so caring and thoughtful towards your D, and if you do go with your gut and speak to her about your concerns about those things, then I hope it goes well. I hope she will feel your care and your thoughtfulness towards her.
Sending you a big hug as well :bighug:
Hope :)
I also hope it'll go well, san. Stress can manifest in weird ways some times. I hope the choices you and your D make work out well for both of you. gentle hugs if you want them!
hope, thanks for the kind words and the lovely support. much appreciated. :hug:
CF, you're absolutely correct - stress can do unimaginable things to us, our bodies, and our brains. thanks for the support and hugs - they're always welcome. :hug:
our talk went well. we both agreed that we have some time in order to rest and relax, heal ourselves, before we even think of doing more work. we've been struggling to do day-to-day things for ourselves and our homes, which is a major indicator that our stress levels are out of control and need to be tended to as a priority. it was a difficult decision for both of us, but we do need to put our health and well-being first for now. so, we have at least 2 mos. before we have to think further than relaxing and resting and healing.
i may have to take a break from the forum. sometimes it's too much energy expended, even in this caring atmosphere. :grouphug:
Taking a break sounds smart, in real life and here. Though I'd miss your caring and wise words and hugs, its a good example for us all too and for D. :grouphug:
:hug: :bighug:
:hug: You have to do what's right for you. Yes, we'll miss you and will be here for you regardless, but Armee's right. Knowing what you need and taking care of yourself is very smart and inspiring as well.
Standing with you, however you decide san :hug: We'll be here for you when you get back.
:bighug:
sending a hug filled with peace and love for you sanmagic.
Hi San,
I hope you guys enjoy the summer and get what you need for yourselves over the upcoming months.
Sending you support,
dolly
armee, bach, CF, blueberry, phil, dolly - from my heart, i thank you all for accepting me, and for your kindness, caring, and well wishes. :grouphug:
i'm coming back slowly. today is the first day i felt i could come here, write something. this morning my T and i worked on my anxiety the night before a session. she has been nothing but kind, accepting (that was a biggie we worked on today), careful, gentle, and caring, yet inevitably the night before a session i would get anxiety about having one the following day.
we processed the idea of how much and from how many people i have been held to unrealistic expectations in my life, starting w/ my F, but including most friends, family members, relationships - coming from all aspects of my life, and so many people. how to walk, look, put on my makeup, be perfect, always be there for them (the perfect friend, lover, wife, etc.) eat my food - i've even been criticized for the way i sweep! at any rate, it's never been ok for me to just be ok, be average, be flawed, get angry or impatient or anything less than putting someone else first.
did the emdr flash technique on all this, and i went from having a litany of people in my life who were like this to the knowledge that my recent experience w/ my D and w/ strangers/professionals on the phone have been patient, kind, and allowed me to take my time or make mistakes. i felt more relaxed and able to see that most people i have to interact w/ now are decent people. my T told me i've done the hard work of eliminating the other kind from my life. That's a good realization to know.
the second portion of this session focused on my continuing anxiety the night before a session. what i realized is that i probably have a subconscious connection (still!) from icky L, my very first T who messed me up so thoroughly half my life ago. it made sense to me and to my T, but it felt like a good realization and i'm looking forward to processing it on fri.
unfortunately, i don't feel up to reading everyone's posts yet, but i'm still sending love and hugs to you all every day. you're the best. thanks for your patience as i work on unraveling myself. :grouphug:
:hug:
Not an ounce of pressure to do more than what feels ok.
I had only one brief uncomfortable experience with a bad therapist 20 years before my therapist and it still took me 2-3 years of being in a therapeutic relationship with him before my brain let go of the prior experience. That was just 1 single bad experience. Your relationship with icky L was so very complex in its trauma and so far reaching in so many areas of your life! You are brave to keep going and the fear is so understandable!
Agreed, you do whatever is the amount that works for you. :hug: And congrats on having a T that works so well with you and some EMDR helping with things. It's good that you have things that help. I really resonate with having to deal with unreasonable expectations. You are human and humans cannot be perfect, and that's perfectly okay. hugs and care from another flawed being. :)
armee, as always, your support, affirmation, and acceptance are sustenance to me. thank you so. :hug:
CF, your last line brought tears to my eyes, and they were painful. i had to immediately leave, do something else. not that you would ever hurt me, but the simple reality of what you said went straight to my core. thank you and i'm sorry you've had to go thru anything similar. :hug:
this last post from CF let me know how really fragile i still am. there was another post i read (the only one i could bring myself to, and then it was too much) about how they think they're better, can add more stuff to their routine or whatever, cut back on therapy, when bam! the reality hits. they mentioned not being able to last 10 min. w/o falling apart (or words to that effect).
i'm feeling just that way right now. even this is too much. again. i thought i could manage, but not yet. so, i'm stepping back again, maybe another week or so, i don't know. too much.
Breaks my heart San. Take care of yourself.
Edited to add...I guess when I feel that way...stunned that I think I'm better but collapse into dissociation in therapy...it's disheartening and frustrating of course, but mostly just a reminder that for whatever reason I need to go slow. Really slow. And that in the end is faster.
Oh San, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to trigger or upset you. Please, yes, take the time to do whatever you need. definitely gentle hugs whenever you want them. Again, so sorry, I hope you find your way back to us. :'(
hey, armee, thank you so for your unceasing support. and, i agree wholeheartedly with you about slow is faster. it really can get frustrating, but i'm learning (slowly!) that to be overwhelmed is much worse. i'm so glad your T is working with you on that, as mine is with me. :hug:
CF, no apology necessary (altho if it were me, i'd be apologizing, too. last thing we want to do is cause pain to another!). the thing w/ me is that i've invented my own reality so many times, have lived in a floaty space for years, that something like you mentioned, which is a reality, is painful for me to ingest. however, please don't stop. it helps normalize reality for me, helps me be grounded, gets me out of my fairytale world. i need it, quite frankly and appreciate so much what you wrote. it's because of times like this on the forum that i've been able to make some true progress. :hug:
started taking on icky L in session yesterday, and quite honestly, it was like clearing out a moldy old basement. when we first began getting ready for it, tho, my body tensed up so badly that i began yelling at my T to start NOW! the pressure from the thought of what i went thru w/ her over and over jacked me up till i felt like a overblown balloon. never felt like that before, hope never to feel like that again.
so, memories came up fast and furiously. one included how she betrayed a confidence in session w/ my ex, laid me out to be filleted. while processing, i was able to stand up, punch her in the face, and walk out. it felt satisfying, and allowed me to get some anger out, even tho i didn't really feel angry. but i knew it was in me.
another one was about her trying to blame me for my ex's sex addiction. she purported to be an addictions counselor, but upon reflection over the years, (including my own work w/ addicts) i can see where she didn't have the slightest clue as to how addictions work. in that scene i began yelling at her precisely that - she didn't know what she was talking about, didn't know what she was doing, etc. it also pointed out to me once again her misogyny. between these first 2 memories, her penchant for taking care of a man's well-being and leaving me hanging out to dry was apparent. also disgusting to me!
the third memory was about something (to my mind) i'd accomplished during a therapeutic outing with others of her clients. i was put in a dual role there - bunked w/ her and listened as she spoke about the rest of the people (did a great job being her friend and confidante) at the same time i was working on my personal social skills with the others.
when we returned from the trip, i was all bright and shiny-eyed, thinking i'd done a really good job in both capacities. she sat me down in a room in her office suite, (i'd supposed it was to debrief), and basically ripped me a new one, telling me everything i'd done wrong (to her mind). i was shattered. the image i was left with was me being a young girl presenting a gift to my teacher, who took it and promptly threw it against the wall saying it was rubbish.
i was able to connect that to an incident in my childhood w/ my F (i've spoken about this before) and getting straight A's when i was 10, how he dismissed it. that also crushed me. so, the connection builds between what i experienced in childhood and experiences in my adulthood. icky L treated me like she would a child (at the time i was breaking up our therapeutic relationship, she told me she'd been a good mother to me. i told her she hadn't been perfect, and i remember the look of hurt on her face. she'd set herself up as a parental figure w/ me which was wrong in the first place.
as my T said, there was all kinds of wrong in that 'relationship'. when session was first starting, and she asked me how i saw myself, how i felt about myself in the situation, i said 'like a lamb going to slaughter'.
i still have some shame about some of the things i did for her that were not according to my morals and ethics. in the end, she exploited me for the very attributes (putting others ahead of myself, doing more for others than for me) that she became aware of in our very first meeting. my T was able to catch this and pointed it out to me. like my ex, she disgusts me. they worked really well together doing a number on me. feeling the anger now!
:hug:
What she did to you was more than icky. It was truly disgusting and broke just every moral ethical and professional boundary and then some. It had to have been absolutely crushing under that and it would take decades to get over the betrayals and messaging from that. You were brave and strong to get out and to find a new therapist. Throw a few more punches at her memory today and throw one in there for me too. I feel pretty angry about what she did to you, and certainly to others as well.
thank you my dear armee for all your support and validation. i'm completely worn out today, but i appreciate your punches on my behalf. it's wonderful having someone like you in my corner. :hug:
You go san! That T did terrible things to you. Your anger is right and great! :applause:
lovin' that enthusiasm, blueberry. it brought a smile to my heart. i still remember the circumstances here on the forum when you suggested alexithymia for me. how right you were! now, years later, those emotions/feelings are beginning to present themselves in my life, recovering my humanness. thank you so for pointing the way for me. :hug:
Quote from: sanmagic7 on June 14, 2022, 06:21:03 PM
did the emdr flash technique on all this, and i went from having a litany of people in my life who were like this to the knowledge that my recent experience w/ my D and w/ strangers/professionals on the phone have been patient, kind, and allowed me to take my time or make mistakes. i felt more relaxed and able to see that most people i have to interact w/ now are decent people. my T told me i've done the hard work of eliminating the other kind from my life. That's a good realization to know.
(bold highlights-added by not alone) Yea! :cheer: My therapist says, "I'm allowed to be human."
That therapist should have lost her license over the anti-theraputic, harmful relationship she had with you. I still hold some harm from therapists, and what you experienced----uhhhh!
:grouphug:
thank you, notalone, for your support and anger on my behalf. it took me 8 yrs. to finally report her to the state, and they investigated, told me my complaint against her was valid, and normally she would have been somehow reprimanded. unfortunately, the rules of dual relationships hadn't yet gone into effect when this happened to me, so nothing could be done. last i saw, however, she had moved back to her own country, so i think her practice here had been eliminated. i felt satisfied by the board's ruling and that she wasn't here anymore. :hug:
yesterday i spent the entire session just puking out everything i could remember about my relationship(s) with icky L, and it left me feeling covered in muck. because i have (still) so much about her that was demeaning to me, ways to put me down, burst my balloon when i did something i was happy about, and etc. ad nauseum. also the idea of me having to play dual and triple roles at times with her, including during training exercises and w/ other professionals makes my head spin.
ok, done. i found myself answering a post incorrectly this morning - i guess i'm still reeling. need more time for a break.
:bighug:
Hugs, San.
thank you armee and CF for your caring hugs. it's so comforting to have people in one's corner. :hug: :hug:
terrible EF yesterday. our own heat wave is coming, and as we've began making adjustments to ensure we'll be ok this time (it was a close call last year when we moved - i was nearly ready to go the hospital twice before we got a/c which we had ordered the week before. my D finally called and began yelling we needed it ASAP because of a medical crisis w/ her mother and we got it finally but it could've ended very differently). so, not only did i flash back to that, but also to all my years in mex., living in the desert, living in a/c 8 mos. out of the year, barely able to make it to the grocery store once a week when they opened at 7. by then it was already too hot, and i had a difficult time coping w/ it the rest of the day.
so, the idea that it's going to be hot, then hotter for about a week just sent me flying back to my suffering at the hands of hot weather. it was an awful day, lots of meds. more cigs than usual. someone talked about how quickly abuse can happen, how little time it can take. so many of us have had one abuse after another and wonder why they're having difficulty being able to heal from it. this was the first EF i've had in quite a while. the mind remembers as does the body, and both can suck us back to where we were in a heartbeat.
Gentle hugs, San. I hear you on how our environment can flash us back sometimes. We're... not far from Mexico, and this week of being in the 80's has been a relief from the 99's. I'm just grateful I'm no longer in a humid state in the US because dry heat really is different. I don't know how I'd survive these temps AND humidity. Wishing you safety and coolness from under my evaporative cooler!
:hug:
Those EFa really do suck us right back there. I've described it before like being sucked up by a giant vacuum cleaner. Being aware you're in an EF is promising for it being hopefully short-lived. Stay safe. The heat is no joke even without flashbacks.
I hope you are finding some relief and that you find ways to stay as cool as possible.
hi CF - yep, i normally think 80 is pretty hot, but after months of 90 and 100, 80 felt cool. not any more. funny how our tolerance can change. thanks for your support :hug:
armee, i liked your vacuum cleaner analogy for EF's. i agree. no willpower or mind power involved - your feet just get swept up from under you! i was able to flash emdr thru the EF, and was able to feel better after that. not so worried now, thank the stars! and thank you, too for being you. :hug:
thanks, rainy. we've got our 2 a/c's installed and they're both working really well. :hug:
therapy was interesting yesterday. as i was flashing thru my EF, an image of a desert snake wrapped around my brain came to mind. i was then able to picture myself going inside my head w/ a machete and began hacking that snake to pieces, putting them in a bag to dispose of. when i finally reached the snake's head, it got pretty rough, but i did what was needed to do, was able to back out of my head and toss those snake pieces in a wood chipper (guess i wanted to make sure it wouldn't come back to life.)
we did another round of flash technique, and i went back into my brain to make sure all the pieces were gone. instead of pieces, i was horrified to discover many, many little snakes living in the folds of my brain. there was no way i could tackle them, and i left, feeling loaded down w/ despair. my T was able to reframe them as danger signals, that they help keep me safe from the overwhelming amount of trauma still residing in my mind.
i asked her how it is that i've been in therapy w/ her, emdr from the start, for over 2 1/2 years twice a week and i'm still so full of trauma? i noted that we'd barely touched my ex, haven't touched hub #1 or my D1, and still aren't finished w/ icky L (the heat thing took up her time). it's like everywhere i go, everything that happens around me produces another trigger, something that sets me back and needs to be reckoned w/ before i can even attempt to move forward.
she told me i've been stuck in a black tunnel of trauma and am working to survive. yeah, she brought it down to that level. i recall pete's book saying 'from surviving to thriving' and thought, no way. i am lucky and grateful to be surviving on a day-to-day basis. it was another reality check on the substance of me, how i've made it to today, and having a daily goal of making it to tomorrow. that's it. my life expectations have gotten that condensed.
i don't see this as a temporary thing, either. the dark tunnel is too long, too fraught with dangerous memories to allow me any sense of peace of mind. i simply put one foot in front of the other, day after day, and cope as best i can. and, yeah, fall back on those old coping skills. i am here to help my D now. i've accomplished all i need to for me, i still write - have started my 3rd novel lately - and still laugh daily. on paper i look great. but my essence is struggling to survive inside a dark tunnel. that's kind of grounding to me for some reason. like i just took a deep breath of acceptance.
I hope you continue to find moments of acceptance if that is supportive.
thanks rainy. absolutely supportive and appreciated. :hug:
worked on more of icky L today - so much poison, so much denying me, dismissing me and who i was, why i was that way, so much criticism. my final image was that of her arm in arm w/ my F. she totally reiterated all that he'd said and done to and about me as a person, and i had to stop. to attempt to break thru that barrier and know myself, know i'm ok w/o being perfect, know that being a regular human is - well, i went from ok, to more than enough to wonderful.
like others here, the idea of making a mistake, especially when it regards someone else is so devastating to me! being everything to everyone at the same time in the way they needed was reinforced by her, and has led me to having a lot of problems w/ asking for what i need/want, making boundaries, feeling free of anxiety in my relationships w/ others . . . they are a formidable force to reckon w/, and i had to stop there before hopefully taking them on in our next session.
our last round of flashing found my mind wandering. all of that was too much to take on. we'll see where it settles, and maybe take one of those expectations/ways of being at a time. i'm pretty pooped right now.
:bighug:
Your mind is amazing. I can't believe the power of EMDR and flash in the...hands...of your mind.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on June 28, 2022, 10:17:02 PM
to know myself, know i'm ok w/o being perfect, know that being a regular human is - well, i went from ok, to more than enough to wonderful.
like others here, the idea of making a mistake, especially when it regards someone else is so devastating to me!
I feel this very strongly, San. It's too much that these people put on us. No one is perfect, but no one should be made to feel like they have to be perfect to be acceptable and loved.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on June 28, 2022, 10:17:02 PM
i had to stop there before hopefully taking them on in our next session.
our last round of flashing found my mind wandering. all of that was too much to take on. we'll see where it settles, and maybe take one of those expectations/ways of being at a time. i'm pretty pooped right now.
I love this part of your post today because of the self care it shows you know when to turn down the dial and give yourself some rest, listening to your mind and body.
Quote from: Armee on June 29, 2022, 01:43:06 PM
:bighug:
Your mind is amazing. I can't believe the power of EMDR and flash in the...hands...of your mind.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on June 28, 2022, 10:17:02 PM
to know myself, know i'm ok w/o being perfect, know that being a regular human is - well, i went from ok, to more than enough to wonderful.
like others here, the idea of making a mistake, especially when it regards someone else is so devastating to me!
I feel this very strongly, San. It's too much that these people put on us. No one is perfect, but no one should be made to feel like they have to be perfect to be acceptable and loved.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on June 28, 2022, 10:17:02 PM
i had to stop there before hopefully taking them on in our next session.
our last round of flashing found my mind wandering. all of that was too much to take on. we'll see where it settles, and maybe take one of those expectations/ways of being at a time. i'm pretty pooped right now.
I love this part of your post today because of the self care it shows...you know when to turn down the dial and give yourself some rest, listening to your mind and body.
armee, thanks so much. you fill me up with your kindness, thoughtfulness, and your way of seeing. :hug:
unfortunately, since yesterday, my ex has played prominently in my mind. dreamed about him during my nap, then while watching the news w/ my D, we heard the observations of the 'man in power', his rage at not getting his own way, etc., and i immediately flashed to my ex. similar behaviors, same rage when he thought he was being disrespected. it was horrible and i had to leave the room. i thought 'ive lived w/ this man', and couldn't tell my D why i was so upset cuz it was about her F.
the more i pick at the memories of him, of being with him, the more upset i become. seems to loom larger and larger in my mind. instead of diminishing, the realizations, feelings, everything i absorbed is returning w/ even greater force. he thought our marriage was 'good', but never contested the idea that i wanted out. i know he was afraid of me, as he was of all women.
i'm thankful i've been given one more day.
:hug:
Maybe all this...
Quote from: sanmagic7 on June 29, 2022, 02:20:41 PM
the more i pick at the memories of him, of being with him, the more upset i become. seems to loom larger and larger in my mind. instead of diminishing, the realizations, feelings, everything i absorbed is returning w/ even greater force.
Is what you need to move through and feel to heal. That in order to diminish you need to feel the full weight of it. Because you didn't, back then? And once you move gently as you can through this stage this piece of his memory will be processed and will leave you in peace.
If that criminal man baby on the news reminds you of your ex, you were in a severely abusive relationship indeed.
Gentle hugs, san. I totally resonate with being triggered by similar people in the news lately. Hoping the processing goes as easily as it can for you to gain some peace and rest.
hey, armee,
i think you're on point about having to go thru all this again, only w/ feelings/emotions/mental reactions this time. the weight of it is now hitting home in a terrible way. abusive relationship? yep, much more than i ever realized. that trigger was nearly overwhelming in how many points i could pick that pertained to my ex. frightening to think of, horrible to understand. glad it's over in one sense, but it's still with me; even now i'm still feeling it. :hug:
hi CF,
thank you so for your thoughtfulness and kind words. they really help. :hug:
have been having dreams, EF's, lots of intrusive thoughts about my ex since tuesday's session. i'm invading my life area that consisted of him, icky L, and D1 all abusing me at the same time in different ways, from different angles: wife, client/friend/employee, and mother. i'm stunned when i think about and remember how i was metaphorically running around attempting to make sense of words and situations, put out fires, fix things for others, pander to their unreasonable needs.
it hurts my stomach to think of this, and i'm sure i've written about it all before, but it's becoming all new to me now.
i think i will have to imagine my F chasing icky L away. i know he loved me, even tho he didn't know how to express it too well, and. . . . . no, that won't work. if i went to him w/ my problems w/ her, he just wouldn't understand.
watching a tv show the other day, i broke down in tears (my T and i talked about how i need to cry for myself in all this). they were showing a situation where the woman had people who went way out of their way to keep her safe and cared for, and to bring her back home. i couldn't help but flash back on all the people who professed to love me but weren't there for me, wouldn't take the risk, wouldn't listen when i actually asked for help, and in fact, turned their backs on me.
too too sad.
Hi SanMagic,
Wow, you are going through so many emotions at the moment, and I can sense how much you are feeling them - it comes out over the 'page' of your writing, and I feel it. I wanted to send you a hug of support, :hug:
Hope :)
i think it shows your sensitivity, hope, to be able to feel my emotions. thank you for your support. :hug:
just working on staying alive and sane. i was able to do a little bit of writing today, which felt good to get it out of my head. however, my energy level is still very low. making it from today to tomorrow . . .
i think i tumbled into a huge EF yesterday. the night before, while watching a tv series, i was majorly triggered several times, plus the plotline was extensively intense. one of the biggest was a pregnancy scene where the hub made sure he'd be there while his wife delivered. that triggered me to my own experiences, and then my D made a remark about how sweet that was of him, and i froze. one of those pregnancies was hers with my ex, and she doesn't want to hear anything about him, so it was as if my entire being shut down and i stayed silent.
a very strange sensation at the time, which carried over to yesterday, when i couldn't feel much of anything at all, even tho it was a very positive day in many respects. i found myself guessing at everything throughout the day, like i used to guess at how to respond, react, acknowledge, and then put out the appropriate words and gestures. like i was living w/ no feet on the ground.
my D eventually asked me a question about the show we were watching (was i enjoying it as much as the past season?) and i hemmed, hawed, explained around the question (a past pattern) until i finally gave up, told her what had been going on w/ me all day (but not why), and she accepted that. it was a terrible feeling, but familiar. still, it gave me conscious notice of how i've lived so much of my life.
i don't know how i'm feeling today. i'm here, but that's about it.
Gentle hugs, san.
hi san, i appreciate you.
thanks, CF - much needed, much appreciated :hug:
thanks, larry, and back atcha :hug:
didn't sleep much last nite, still feeling out of sorts, don't know how else to explain this. i feel almost inside out, don't care, no emotions, altho i was able to smile a bit yesterday, so that's good. otherwise, pretty rough. still.
Aw, San. :hug:
Having to turn off emotions about such a huge part of your life can't be easy. I hope some day this becomes a topic that your daughter can hear about honestly. Your reaction to the trigger and then having to stifle it all makes perfect sense. Of course everything turned numb and uncertain. Perhaps talking to a friend can help?
idk about you san, but when my emotions go awol for a while, it's sort of good. It gives me a kind of break, although some everyday things are obviously more strenuous and difficult. So for me, it's not necessarily a negative thing. There's a lot going on for you below the surface, so to speak, these past couple of days. :hug:
thanks, armee, i hope so, too. she's focused her trauma history on her sister and several men in her life, which, to be honest, is huge w/o putting her F in the mix. i don't think she sees the connection, tho, between her F and the emotionally unavailable, truly messed up men she's been involved w/. very emotionally and mentally abusive. everyone in their own time, right? :hug:
hey, blueberry, i guess this was different for me in that i'm working on getting my emotions back cuz i've been w/o probably for 60 yrs. because of that, it felt like i was sent back in time to a place i absolutely don't want to be anymore, trying to get away from. it was horrible for me. and, yes, there have been lots of things under the surface but at that moment everything froze into what i was for most of my life. guessing at how to answer, think, feel, respond. it's a whole thing. thanks for your perspective - it helped me clarify mine. :hug:
i did call my friend over the weekend, broke down sobbing. she was very accepting, knows my ex, very supportive, and i felt safe enough w/ her to let the tears out - they, too, had been bottled up inside w/ all the emotions and feelings. i'm still coming out of it, tho, so not feeling too stable yet.
the hardest part of it was realizing how much i was grasping for responses to my D's questions, and how much of my life i'd spent doing just that. w/o emotions and feelings, i felt like a flailing zombie since i was in my early teens, except that i had a good intellect. going back to that was mentally frightening cuz i could see how it had played out thru my lifetime. how i'd guess, skirt around questions cuz i didn't have an opinion, feeling, emotion to pull out as an answer.
and, now that i'm writing this, i can see the spectrum playing its own hand in this in my social awkwardness, lack of eye contact (i remember questioning myself about that many times - why am i looking over the top of this person's head while i'm speaking w/ them?). when some people wouldn't accept what i was telling them, or called me out for not really answering their question, i'd be at a standstill inside, not unlike what i've just gone thru. i'd scramble for an answer that made sense, and sometimes i could pull it off.
when talking to my T about this, she said i was safe now, and i immediately asked 'am i?" i told her this could easily happen again, and she had to agree. she thought we could work on the fear of this happening cuz i told her i had a lot of fear in me now (altho as i write, i don't feel it as much, maybe cuz at the end of the session she took my fear, locked it away for me). at any rate, this has been a horrible experience and i can feel it impacting other parts of my life right now - we've had some summer days and i am running for the a/c, especially at night, afraid of what happened last year. it's like i'm hyper-sensitive to heat now. ugh?!
how long can one person stay strong? until they can't i suppose.
gentle hugs, san, that's a lot of processing. Glad you were able to open up to your friend, though. It can be very heartening when we find someone who's there for us in all this.
I understand now, san. Sorry for saying otherwise. I'm happy you were able to take it in your stride and even use it to clarify things for yourself. Also glad to see on your Diff. Day post that you're coming back up out of the depths. :hug:
San, you are holding so many feelings about many abusive relationships all at once. Ugh. I just want to affirm how big that is to carry.
If I'm understanding correctly, your struggle on how to answer questions makes sense. You were trying to protect your daughter and yourself and probably others too. How do you answer a question that fulfills all those criteria? What a dilemma.
So glad that you received support from a friend over the weekend.
:hug:
thanks for the hugs, CF. and i agree - it was very heartening to be able to talk to someone who knows the players involved and be supported and accepted and believed. :hug:
blueberry, no need to apologize. we don't know exactly how it is for anyone else, and like you said, i was able to use what you said for clarification for myself. every comment/thought/idea/opinion is helpful for me in some way. i appreciate you being able to speak what's on your mind from your own perspective. so, thank you very much for doing so. :hug:
thanks, notalone, for that validation about about the weight of all i'm carrying. it really is huge, and keeps getting huger as i'm digging deeper. also glad to receive the support from everyone here. :hug:
doing a bit better each day, but struggling w/ the heat right now. big flashback to last year and what we went thru before we got a/c. not good at all, terrifying actually. so, even tho this heat is only for a day or 3, it's scary as all get out. just trying to do what's necessary to stay sane. top priority right now.
Stay safe, San.
so doing, armee. thank you for your caring kindness. :hug:
;)
back atcha, larry. thanks for stopping in. :hug:
my therapy has been quite abbreviated these past 2 weeks. for various reasons my T has been absent for 3 of the 4 sessions we usually have in that time span. last nite as i was struggling w/ what's been happening, it really brought home to me how much i depend on her to help stabilize me. i can't put my finger on any word to describe how i felt, only that i was uneasy inside me. i've been feeling that disturbance for the past 5 days or so, and it's been playing havoc w/ my sleep (even tho i have meds) and i've had to take more than usual to knock myself out.
so, i'm feeling groggy this morning, and i don't like it. it reminds me of a hangover, something i'd rather forget. i've had increased anxiety at bedtime and several times couldn't get to sleep till way too late. i'm sorry she's sick at the moment, but i can't wait to get back on a schedule w/ her. it's like she's my rudder, and my boat goes willy nilly without her. this is not fun for me. this morning i woke up extremely stiff in my back and shoulders, and it gave me an indication of how much tension i've been holding inside while she's been gone.
my next appt. is tues. we'll see if she's well by then. dang, i hope so. it's weird to me how poorly i'm able to navigate my life w/o reinforcement now. i think it's a verification of 'it really was that bad for me and i am traumatized because of it' at the same time i have to chase away that ICr who says 'you should be able to handle this better'. difficult to accept i am not able, at least not now. maybe someday . . .
I appreciate you reflecting on this San as it is giving me insight into something I've been struggling with and couldn't identify. I hope that your T is able to maintain a more consistent schedule very soon and that you find some ease in the coming days.
thank you for your caring thoughts,, rainy. glad you were able to identify something meaningful for yourself. i hope my t can be more consistent, too. thanks. :hug:
got stress flu yesterday, still suffering today. pretty miserable. am hoping to take it easy today, just play games, watch tv, doze. yesterday was hectic and i've been feeling the stress of my T being absent and it all caught up w/ me. i haven't felt this for a while so i really hate that i'm feeling it again. i can tell i haven't been doing well all week cuz i've only made my bed once. that's been a source of pride for me - it was the one thing i did in mexico while i was so sick in order to prove i wasn't totally useless. funny how those little things can mean so much.
:bighug:
It's OK to rest up while you're feeling bad. If you can make the bed, great. If not, eh, it doesn't need to be made.
I'm sorry your T has been absent a lot while you are going through this rough stretch. You and her are really good at containing and defeating difficult memories and images together. You're a team and no wonder it's hard without her right now. :grouphug:
thanks for that wonderful big hug, armee. lovelovelove it! i like that you used the word 'team' for me and my T. it takes a bit of the 'dependent upon her' onus off. i think, too, since i'm so void of social interaction, she's part of that for me. and i appreciate you allowing me leeway on the bedmaking thing. i won't be making it again today.
still down w/ the stress flu, altho it's getting a bit better. these maladies last about 5 days for me.
:hug: Hope you feel better soon!
Dear SanMagic,
I would like to wish you the best in getting through this fluey thing - and I hope that you get lots of rest and fluids and whatever else you need. I would like to send you a very supportive and gentle hug :hug:
Hope :)
thanks, CF. am feeling better today, flu-wise. let's see if it holds. :hug:
hope, thanks for the hug, much appreciated. :hug:
therapy was cancelled again yesterday - my T has covid. i've thought that for nearly a week, so altho i'm sorry she's gotten it, i have to admit - oooh, i might have a touch of anger about it!!! just felt a twinge inside. i'd think rationally that now's not the time to be angry w/ the poor woman after having gone thru this terrible illness, but i'm pissed that she got it.
it all has to do w/ me, of course. i'm hurting badly, hanging by a thread, still extremely stressed, too much stuff to be dealing w/ right now, including soc. sec. disability stuff (for my D), the heat, the anxiety, discomfort, disturbance inside me for not being able to talk w/ her, get some reassurance, new perspective, etc. get stabilized.
yesterday morning when i got her email (she said she's gonna be ok, just that her brain was mush) i went into manic mode. 1000 mph, had to finally calm myself w/ cigs and xanax, stayed like that for about an hour, and then i got real floaty. my D commented on both phases, so i know it wasn't just me. it knocked me for a loop that i still couldn't speak w/ her and i am so ready! frustrating, to say the least.
so, once more i'm struggling to stay sane. i've been living w/o hope for so long. it's only because of the support here and my D that i'm able to put one foot in front of the other. just have to make it to tomorrow.
Thinking of you San.
thanks, rainy. i so appreciate it. :hug:
:bighug: :bighug: san, I hear you. Sending EMS and OOTS energy to strengthen that thread you're hanging by. I know that one-thread-feeling well, tho fortunately there's more strength in me today.
May I encourage you to feel anger at the situation that your T has covid, if you don't want to feel angry at her personally? Maybe a little san feels angry at her? I don't think a little san has to be rational, maybe not even adult san.
Also sending you a large fan and a spot on the Porch with a nice cooling breeze and water near by.
blueberry, loved those big hugs. they always feel so embracing, a factor i've realized i've missed when i've most needed it. thank you so. thanks for the 'permission' to be angry. i needed that. i'm not sure which san it might be who's angry - possibly from being young and not getting taken care of the way i needed - but your remark did get me thinking.
and thanks so much for EMS and the porch. i'd totally forgotten about the porch, how wonderfully soothing it is. beautiful in every way. so grateful for what you said. :hug:
i'm still feeling a lot of disturbance inside, so i'm guessing it's a lot of emotions which simply won't present themselves. anger is one for sure, anger that i'm not being taken care of the way i want - i guess that is a little child, possibly a baby, who didn't get emotional needs met. still, it's rattled me as i struggle to get from one day to the next. so much has happened in the month since my T's been AWOL, and i'm as stressed out as i can remember ever being.
it's taking a toll on my body - my legs have gotten wobbly a few times, bathroom trips have gotten more frequent, energy levels are extremely low, i'm quite tired after speaking a few sentences, and i have no sense of hope (altho that's escaped me all my life). i thought about the sayings that tell you to look for one thing that brings you joy each day, and since i've only felt actual joy once in my life, stuff like that falls flat w/ me.
i'm a complaining wreck, but it feels better when i put it all here. trauma mind is now having a difficult time remembering things from 2 min. before, let alone 2 days or months ago. it's also overwhelming anything i might see as pos. in my life. i'm nearly completely focused on my D as she's struggling right now, too. near the edge.
ok, stop. i'm going to the porch, going to sit by the lake, throw a line out, smell the air, look at the trees and their shimmering leaves as a breeze blows thru, watch the water rippling in the breeze, enjoy the colors of the dragonflies hovering around as well as those of the water lilies in bloom where the bass like to hide. actually, that was rather relaxing to write. thanks, blueberry.
Gentle hugs San. Here's wishing you energy to get through the day. And I felt relaxed at the lovely description you wrote about the porch!
thanks, CF. i'm feeling a bit more energized today, so i appreciate your dose. i'm sure it helped. glad the porch was helpful for you, too. it's magic.
:hug:
the porch is working its magic. anyone is welcome to join me - i brought raspberry muffins and lemonade to pass around. and there's always tea and cookies available.
feeling a bit more relaxed today. i think going to the porch helped my spirit, as did EMS (earth mother spirit). thanks, blueberry, for reminding me of both. she kind of buoyed me up yesterday when i thought of her and her voluminous skirts embracing me, grounding me. she wears flowers in her long, free-spirited hair and is larger than life, firmly one with the earth. she gathers her children in whenever we need her, and keeps us safe from the demons trolling around and throughout our minds.
I appreciate the imagery you are sharing. It lifts my heart a bit. :hug:
you brought a smile to my face, rainy. glad you got something positive from it. :hug:
i wonder if there's a place here on the forum for imagery that is created by us for calming and soothing each other. i know we have a lot of creative people here.
today we're beginning 5 days of heat wave. we've packed in lots of cold foods and pre-made meals that only need to be heated up. we've got a fun tv series to watch (once upon a time) altho it does touch on some deep issues every so often, and i find tears running down my face every so often.
still wondering if i'll be able to talk to my T tomorrow. it will have been a month. so much has happened during these weeks and i am tense w/ stress throughout my body. i also began looking at the possibility that she won't come back, and what i would do then. the other day my D asked me if i wanted to go for a short walk w/ her, i turned her down. it felt like my body is so tight, just holding myself together. i walked down for the mail this morning, felt like a zombie - one foot in front of the other, no feelings at all.
i'm having difficulty accepting what a toll this absent T has had on me. she's been my rock, and also has helped my D tremendously (my mother heart always is affected by what's happening w/ my D). i want to cry but the tears won't come.
:hug: :hug:
I like the idea of creating imagery here. I feel in my body and heart the difficulty of the absence of such a trusted person in your life. I hope the tension eases as soon as possible.
gentle hugs, san. The heat is getting to me too. We also went to the store and stocked up on cold and reheatable things. I think it'll help a lot, cause from about 10am, it's too hot to cook. Hope it works for you too.
thanks for the hugs, blueberry, and back atcha! :hug: :hug:
hey, rainy, thanks for checking in. my T was back yesterday, and it was tentative for the most part, but i did find relief by the end. :hug:
CF, i'm with you all the way on the heat. it is working well, the cold foods. i'm making a pasta salad this morning that will last me a few days, but i'll cook the pasta well before noon. hang tough, ok? :hug:
it was awkward talking to my T yesterday, but we got thru it. i was able to tell her i was angry at her for both me and my D, and that while i felt bad for her i felt bad for me, too. she accepted it all, said, 'yeah, i left you in the lurch', and by the end of the session she devised a plan should something like this ever happen again, which was comforting. she told me i could email her w/ whatever stuff was coming up. i told her that was good up to a point - that it would be nice to get it out of me (but i'm able to do that here already) but i'd need that she would take what i had and lock it away for me.
she said 'i think i can guarantee that' and i said 'you think you can, or you can?" i had to have assurance i wasn't just writing into the ether. then she hurriedly replied 'no, i guarantee it, i absolutely can do that' and i felt some sighs of relief escape. so, we ended on a good note, but i can see how very needy i am now. never so in the past. i guess it's not a bad thing cuz it's all part of me becoming human again. and i'm not sure if i'll actually need to do that with her, but it was good to hear the option was there, very reassuring, very grounding.
so, yeah, the heat. we're getting thru it, but it's taking a toll on both of us. the trauma of last year has especially grabbed my D - she gets anxious about feeling trapped, even tho she knows rationally we can get in the car and crank up the a/c. funny how trauma works. plus, the forest fires are out there, and she's been triggered back to our having to evacuate a couple years ago, the sky being orange, the sun being red. but we're in a pretty urban area now, no actual forests like where we were before, so i'm not concerned at all.
i just hate what's happening to our world.
I appreciate your reflection on relationship dynamics even with someone that has/is supportive to you. It reminds me to be thoughtful about how I approach well wishes - just seeing your T isn't necessarily an automatic relief. Relationships are so complicated.
rainy, you're so right. relationships and their dynamics are complicated. i've made up my mind to say my truth no matter what it might be, even tho there is anxiety or a bit of fear there. however, i've eliminated everyone who i can't trust w/ my truth, so i've been getting practice being heard, accepted, and validated. it's been difficult at times - with my T i prefaced it by saying 'i've got to be honest' and then told her how i felt, what i'd been thinking about her absence. she was so accepting and agreeing. thanks for your valued support, rainy. :hug:
just surviving the heat wave - it's much worse and much longer than we'd first been given to believe. and i see where ranchers are having a terrible time w/ their livestock and fields. just horrible. my D and i have decided to get thru this by saying 'only 2 more days', that we can get thru any of this for 2 more days (not unlike the 12-step one day at a time perspective - just get thru today). happily we got ourselves decent food in the freezer, and i discovered our a/c's were only on low, so now they're throwing out more cold air than before and that's helping.
gentle hugs, san. Saying things out loud is sometimes the hardest part. Hope it goes well for you. We're seeing a slight temperature dip and potential rain today through Saturday, so it's a relief. But the microwave and cold foods are working out great! Glad your A/Cs are pushing more cool air!
hi CF, yeah, we're surviving. the cold foods and a/c are doing their job. i'm still having a tough time, but will buffalo my way thru. :hug:
my T got worse yesterday, had to cancel my D's appt., so i wrote her to tell her to simply focus on getting well and we'll talk next tues. instead of today. i have to admit that this morning, tho, i wish i were 'seeing' her. my D and i talked a little about what if she dies? we've both thought about it now. i can't imagine finding another T right now. i'll let it go at that.
in the meantime, still sweltering hot out, it's scheduled to stay this way thru the weekend. we bought a few more supplies yesterday morning, and i think we're set for the next few days. yesterday i was crabby, grumpy, impatient - 3 things i rarely experience, but our routines are upended, we're crushed together more hours than usual, plus we're just uncomfortably warm. these portable a/c units do their best, but they're not as cooling as our window a/c, which apt. mgmt. said had to be removed.
so, slogging thru. my eyes are gritty and weary and i'm just out of sorts.
I'm so sorry San. I'd be terrified too. Have been many times.
oh, armee, being terrified is not a good feeling. thank you so for your support. :hug:
talked to my T and my meds doc yesterday, but unfortunately i'm down w/ my second bout of stress flu in a month, so didn't do much, cut both sessions short cuz my throat is too sore.
one interesting point the psychiatrist said was wondering if my therapy was actually helping me. i tried to explain about too much abuse, alexithymia, and how any one incident can bring up a whole raft of other memories or new feelings/emotions. she doesn't get it. i think, like most docs, they aren't prepared in any way to understand about trauma, let alone complex trauma, and are merely trained to treat the symptoms - the surface stuff that shows its face.
i've explained some of this to her before, and she's very nice, but, you know, we patients aren't necessarily clearly cut from the DSM cloth, so we're left to wander the etherworld coping as best we can. so, she keeps telling me that next time we talk she hopes i'm in a totally different place, feeling much better, etc. she asked if i had hope, i told her no, but that my T does. she said she was glad i lived w/ my D so i wasn't isolated. i could tell alarm bells were going off in her head - no one wants to hear someone feeling hopeless.
just rambling - i feel crappy, wanted to get some of this stuff out of me. i use this forum as a dumping ground so often. i'm getting sick of hearing myself like this, but feel powerless to change the dynamic going on in my head. sucks.
San, I appreciate you sharing your experience with the psychiatrist. My experience is that conversations and attitudes like that are so exhausting and frustrating. I hope that you found some moments of ease and care for yourself.
:hug:
I don't get sick of hearing you put words to what you are going through. I wish you felt better but it helps the rest of us to hear what you are going through, that it isn't linear, that the hopes of our doctors or loved ones are not necessarily bound up in a realistic understanding of Complex trauma. That these difficult waves are part of it. I am amazed you have the courage to keep facing your traumas and triggers and to keep working through them. I'm amazed that even when you spend several weeks with stress flu and being physically and emotionally overwhelmed that you every time have managed to bounce back up and take another strong swipe at those symptoms and traumas. To envision yourself in a state of power. You are amazing. And of course right now it all feels hopeless, but you haven't had anyone to help you get out of the latest stuff, and you can't do it alone.
Any word from T the past couple days?
san, I'm sorry your psych doc just doesn't seem to get it. :hug:
Wishing you cooler weather :umbrella:
san, I can relate all too well to how much it hurts trying to deal with a psychiatrist who doesn't get it. I think it's very brave of you to deal with a psychiatrist at all.
Love and hugs :hug: I hope your day gets better :bighug:
hey, rainy, i absolutely agree - they are exhausting and frustrating. i think i'll be less specific w/ her in the future, just get the meds i need, tell her how much they're helping. i don't know - the battle to make someone understand is wearing. :hug:
armee, thank you so for the kind words and thoughts. so appreciated. i did hear from my T, told her what the shrink said about did i think therapy was helping me, and my T kind of gave a noise of frustration herself. we also processed some distress i'd felt about something my D had told her about me, something i did and how it upset her at the time. more later.
as far as getting up and doing this all over, no matter what i've just gone thru, my other choice is to melt down into a puddle of grease, lose my mind, and ooze my way into a deep pit of nothingness. i can't afford that option. at least not right now. so, i'll keep chugging along. it's a matter of survival, and i really don't feel amazing about it - it's just what i believe i need to do. thanks for you caring. :hug:
blueberry, i know you can relate. thanks for the support. we're in the middle of another heat warning this weekend, probably won't get relief till mon. nite. ugh! and i used to live in these temps. 8 mos. out of the year! don't know how i did it - survival i guess. :hug:
hey, bach, thank you for your uplifting words and those lovely hugs and love. the only way i can get the meds i need is to go thru a shrink, and she's generous when it comes to controlled substances, so i'll put up w/ her - another survival choice. :hug:
******************TW*************** overdose situation
my D told me about her appt. w/ our shared T, and one thing she mentioned was the time she OD'd on her meds. i remember the scene well - she called me into her room, was sitting next to her bed w/ a bottle of pills, told me she took a bunch. what she remembers is that i rolled my eyes at her - her interpretation was that i was somehow dismissing her problem as not being as important as her sister's (who had already been in the psych hospital the week before).
**********************end TW********************
altho we've worked thru this in the past, hearing it again as an ongoing part for her feelings of unimportance, 'not as bad as', or 'isn't bad enough to warrant attention' struck me, and not in a good way. my own remembrance of the event was that i was overwhelmed by the idea that i now had a second daughter who needed help, and i was going to be doing double shifts, so to speak, in getting that help for her (my ex, as usual, was pretty useless - i carried the brunt of working these things out) that i had an 'oh my god' moment, and had to hold myself together in order to tackle this new situation. my rolling eyes had nothing to do w/ her, but it was all about what new * i was in for even tho i was at the exhaustion point already. (as it turned out, that month, my D's spent 3 out of the 4 weeks in psych hospitals. it was a harrowing time.)
so, hearing it again sent me over an edge, and i worked w/ my T on it cuz i felt so badly that i'd let my D down at that moment in her life and added to her emotional burden she's carried thru her life. we did the Flash technique on it, and the first thought i had was that i had to forgive myself for being human. next - i forgive myself. some other stuff came up, especially about D1, and i had to stop processing - we haven't dealt much w/ her yet, but i'd also learned more about her treatment towards my D2, and how thoroughly abusive she was, more than i realized or knew about. gotta save her for another time, tho.
***********TW********** sexual insinuations in a dream
then, yesterday, i dreamed about my ex, and i ended up having to be awakened by my D cuz i was moving my arms and legs around erratically. in the dream, a bunch of stuff was going on, and my ex eventually entered the picture. i began yelling at him to get out, and he eventually moved to leave, but as he passed me, he fingered the nylon scarf i had on my head. i knew instantly what he was doing - silky underwear was a must for me to wear during our marriage - and i accused him of it. he denied it vociferously, saying he didn't do anything, why am i so upset, and basically shut me down.
end TW*****************************
then, just as he was going thru the door, he turned to me and smiled a creepy, knowing smile which neither of my D's saw, and i knew i was right about what happened no matter how much he insisted it didn't. and i got so angry in my dream that he got away with it, l began yelling and pounding my fists against the chair, stomping my feet. that's what my D saw and promptly woke me up.
the image of that creepy smile stayed in my head, and i was so upset, i couldn't think straight, couldn't get away from it. got up, took some meds, went outside for a cig and to be next to my plants - my happy place - and calmed down a bit. my D had tried to help by getting a jar w/ a cover, and encouraging me to put the image in there and out of my head (i used to do that w/ her when she had bad dreams, and it worked well for her), but i wasn't able to push it out. however, on the balcony, i had an empty cig pack, and was able to slide most of the image into it, closed it up, and went inside and pushed it way down into the garbage. that helped.
it took me about an hour to relax enough to resume watching the show we'd begun before naptime. it's still in there a little bit, but it brought it home to me so clearly about his insidiousness during our marriage, deceit, gaslighting, and the depth of his sickness. plus it confirmed to me that i was right, he was horrible to me, and i am so wounded because of him. terrible realizations, but home truths nonetheless. ugh! nauseating.
wow - i didn't realize how long my previous post was. it was all trauma dream diarrhea, and i just needed to get it out. the forum's always been a good place for me to do that.
another dream that linked in the first one. i wasn't quite as shook, but it rattled me a bit to regurgitate the same crapola in a different dream. i've got therapy today, and i'm sure my T will help me w/ this.
otherwise, just surviving the heat. this has really shown me how important my routine is in helping me stay more stabilized, less disrupted inside me, less distressed. i'm getting too old for this crapola.
I often expect to write a short post and often end up having more come out than expected - it is helpful to be able to do that here. I hope that the routines continue to be supportive.
:hug:
Your brain and body are trying to work some nasty toxic stuff out...so yeah...maybe dream diarrhea in a way, but not in a way that it isn't worthy of writing down and getting support over.
I'm so glad your T is ok, and back in action to work with you.
gentle hugs if you want them, san, and good luck with your T today.
hi, rainy, yep, i've found it extremely helpful to get the crapola out here. thanks. :hug:
thanks for your support, armee. happily, the dream diarrhea has ended, at least for now. :hug:
hugs are always welcome, CF. thank you. :hug:
i see i have 25 pages here, so it's time for a new one. see you all there! :grouphug: