Learning to heal, Larry's journey

[rainydiary]

Larry, you are working really hard and I am thinking of you on your journey.  I hope that you find tools that help. 

There is a lie we are told by society that we are alone and need to handle things on our own.  That isn't true - there are supports out there and the trick is sorting out what works for you. 

This is complicated when we live with CPTSD as we have come to rely so much on ourselves because others have hurt us.  I hope that you find things that feel supportive to you.

[sanmagic7]

hey, larry, congrats on your days of sobriety.  as one who has been there, may i share something that's helped me along the way?  it's a metaphor for cravings. they will come, much like a bus to a bus stop.  each time the bus shows up, we have the choice to either get on it or not.  we know another bus will come along, but each time it does, we have that same choice - either to get on the bus (go with the craving) or let it go by (do something different).

from both personal and professional experience, i've learned that the first 10 days of changing a behavior are special, in a way.  you had a neg. experience that spurred you on to stop drinking, and have been doing a great job of staying stopped.  your body/brain have been detoxing from the alcohol, and now that enough time has passed, they miss it and want it back.  that's what a craving is all about.  i've also learned that as more and more time goes by, the cravings become less intense, and as we work on our recovery - whichever way works best for us personally - we continue to learn more tools, gather more information, and increase our ability to allow those cravings to pass us by.

all the best to you with this.  i know what it feels like.  you're not alone.  love and hugs

[Larry]

thank you rainy and san,  I appreciate you both,  and everyone here.    I have been working a lot,  and that seems  to help.   I go out for a few drinks with my co workers,  and i have been drinking a non alcohol beer.   today is day 11.    I might have friday off,  and i am going to call a therapist.   i think i need help trying to manage emotions and negative thoughts and feelings.   probably many  other things as well.     i have had a hard time sleeping,  and i have had some interesting dreams,  but not experiencing nightmares as often.   i still feel excited to try to live without alcohol.   i really never thought i would feel this way.   My wife is still drinking,  some days more than others.   
I am so thankful for this forum and everyone here,  i was in such a bad place when i found this forum,   it has helped me so much. 

[Armee]

So proud of all your progress and all the perseverance you've shown. I'm sorry your wife is still stuck. Keep going for you and eventually her. 

[rainydiary]

Larry, this is hard work you are putting in.  I hope it opens up experiences and opportunities for you.

[Larry]

thank you armee and rainy !   this is day 13 without alcohol.  i had a pretty good day.  sometimes i feel guilty when that happens.   I came home after work,  and of course my wife is drunk.   I am making dinner for us and trying to relax.   I hope everyone else had a good day today.
Next week i am going to call a therapist.  things were just too busy this week.   

[rainydiary]

Larry, I relate to feeling guilty or not good when I felt good or had a good day.  It takes a long time and a lot of work to be ok with feeling good because it takes a lot of work to make new pathways in our brain.  I hope your dinner was tasty and that you are able to find some ease.

[Larry]

   thank you rainy.    I have some work to do today.   things are starting well this morning.   having some coffee right now.   it is really weird how easy it feels sometimes,  like everything is ok.   

[Armee]

Fantastic news Larry! Keep going. Keep staying present. Current moment most of the time IS pretty ok.

[Larry]

I have been so up and down,   i don't know why i get so depressed sometimes.   negative thoughts and self perception come out of nowhere.   i am trying hard,  but i just can't always overcome the depression.   I didn't eat yesterday.   not sure if i can today.   the only thing i can say positive is that i have not had a drink in 14 days.    this is day 15.   sometimes i think a few drinks might help,  but i am afraid of what that  might lead too.   

[rainydiary]

Thinking of you Larry.  I hope you find something that feels ok to eat tofay.

[Larry]

thank you rainy...

[Larry]

feeling better this morning.   i really want to enjoy the day.   my wife hasn't had a drink in 2 days,  but she is really irritable.   I am trying to be patient,  but it really raises my anxiety when she is like that.   

[rainydiary]

Larry, I can relate to feeling activated by my spouse's emotions.  For me that's been part of my healing journey to let my husband have his experiences and do my best to take care of myself.  It is very difficult.

[Armee]