Jazzy's Journal: Omega

[Armadillo]

Armadillo,

I am very relieved and empowered by your reaction to my letter. I did not expect you to take it well, being a mother yourself. I can hardly imagine how it must feel to read a letter like that from one's own child, but I know my mother will not react well at all.

<3 Jazzy

I'm sure it will be quite painful for her to read. But I did not see you making baseless accusations, calling names, or using cruel language that to be fair would be a bit understandable and justified. So by kind I meant that it is constrained and not written with the intention of cruelty. It would absolutely break my heart to get a letter like that from my own children. I can hope things never get to that point. I'm going to guess you've tried to have a relationship and she didn't put in the necessary work and empathy and ownership. With my own mom, when I have tried to discuss things she has done that cause me to suffer, gently and slowly, she has pushed those conversations away. I know in the reverse situation with my own kids I would fly across the f*&^%%# world to talk to them and make things right.

[Libby183]

Hi Jazzy.

It was great to see a photo of you, complete with new haircut. Excellent haircut, and just so  nice to put a face to a name.

It's a bit of a coincidence that we have had a similar neighbour issue. I think that we have both handled the rejection by a neighbour exceptionally well. Good on both of us for just carrying on as usual. Not being ashamed or hiding.

Libby.

[Not Alone]

Last night I misspoke with another neighbour (a much better one!), which I regret.

Something my T says, which helps me, "I'm allowed to be human."

[Jazzy]

Hi Laurels 

Welcome to my journal! 

It's nice to have someone here who is the same age. There's nothing wrong with different ages, but the dynamics are a bit different, as are the nature of the relationships that develop. 

Thank you for this kind post. I love how it is full of hope and positivity!   

I completely agree with you. I have been trying so much harder at everything, as these things come more easily to others. It's a tragic consequence of being treated so horribly and being taught that I am worthless.   

I'm glad to hear that you have made this realization for yourself and have adjusted your life accordingly, that's excellent! 

It takes a lot to truly understand something like that and implement changes based upon that understanding. Thank you for your well wishes and encouragement. I have a very long way to go with my physical body, but I am making great progress! 

<3 Jazzy

[Jazzy]

Thank you Armadillo. I appreciate you expanding upon your original thoughts on this topic.

You're right that I am not showing any signs of anger or hostility in the letter. I feel very little, if anything at all, towards her at this point. Not because it's overwhelming, but because I've felt and processed enough, and now I choose to set it aside until I am at a better time to deal with it. I'm very pleased, not only with this choice, but that I've come to a point where I am able to make such a choice. 

I have always put my M first for my entire life, though to be fair, I believe a large part of that is because I needed more help in my life. Things are better now, because I've learned so much more about how to care for myself (isn't that a parent's primary responsibility to teach a child?!), as well as found you and the others here! 

I'm sorry things are so bad with your own mother as well. I hope you find some peace with that.

Your last sentence scares me a bit, as my mother would fly across the world too... but it would be to make herself feel better, and not actually for me. Logically, I understand this is her unhealthy behaviour and not yours... emotions are a bit more challenging to understand and control though.

Thank you for sharing this. It's important for you to express how much you care for your children, and it is important for me to learn that my mother's behaviour is not normal.

<3 Jazzy

[Jazzy]

Hi Libby!

Thank you so much for your encouragement about the photo of myself! It really means a lot to me that you wrote "so nice", when you could have chosen any words. 

I don't know exactly why, but the word "nice" has a big impact on me. I'm certainly not used to hearing it directed my way.   

I'm sorry to hear that you have similar neighbour issues. I'm glad you are handling it well, too. It helps me feel connected and encouraged! Good on both of us indeed! 

<3 Jazzy

[Jazzy]

Thank you Notalone,

That is very helpful. I am human, so I am allowed to make mistakes sometimes.

It occurs to me that someone who cannot forgive one mistake likely has their own things to sort out. 

This actually brings me to a realization about my brother, who has deleted me out of my life recently. I expect it is only temporary, at least I hope so. I feel better about that situation now, thanks to what you posted here.

<3 Jazzy

[Jazzy]

[TW:Food]

Today has been a great day! 

Between my workout yesterday and my improved mental state, it was enough to get my sleeping back to how I like it, which is about 4.5 hours through the night, then a nap before dinner for an hour or 2. That feels so much better to me than sleeping 6+ hours per night, without a nap.

Being up early, I had lots of time to make a nice breakfast and do all of my morning routine. I went to the grocery store to do some shopping. I asked for help a few times again, and it all went very well.

On the way home I walked passed a school where the teachers were out, so I stopped and talked with them for a few minutes about how they were handling the kids and the plague situation.

I paid close attention to my body during my walk. Instead of just struggling to hold a proper posture, as I have done in the past, I focused on holding my body correctly considering all of the twists, turns, and other rotations. It was much less painful and I did a much better job carrying all the groceries as I walked.

There were a few difficulties later in the day, mostly of a technical nature; such is the life of a computer science engineer. I'm impressed that I didn't get frustrated at all, because I stopped when I needed to. My mind is doing a great job to put the things I'm realizing in to practice.

I did another low-intensity workout in the afternoon. I was very careful of all of my joints, like during my walk. That paid off big time. Even though it was lower intensity than in the past, it was the best workout I've ever done, because it wasn't damaging at all.

I also suspect it is a higher intensity work-out than I realize. My heart rate rose about 30 BPM while working out, as opposed to when I'm resting. I don't know how good that is, but it is much better than the past 5-10 years, where my heart rate was constantly over 100.

With all of this good stuff going on, I decided to try making a new (to me) dinner for myself. This includes making my own flatbread. I've always avoided any sort of bread or baking, likely because it is one of M's favourite thing.

I'm pleased and proud that I tried. It is important to me that she no longer has a negative influence on my life.

Dinner, especially the flatbread, has room for improvement. I'm happy with it for a first attempt though.

I made curry tonight. Everything is from scratch, except the curry powder and the tofu, for now. 

Here's a picture of my accomplishment. I did not eat the entire plate in one sitting.

Click for bigger image!

[CactusFlower]

Congrats, Jazzy, those good days are so awesome, aren't they? I gotta say, that dinner looks pretty tasty. I had a thought as I read about it: What about breads from cultures other than your own, might that help if it wasn't a bread like that person made? Like... ummm. naan, or tortillas, or something? I'm just guessing here. (glancing towards the kitchen and tortilla press I never use...)

[Jazzy]

Thank you so much Sage!

Yes, those little flatbreads are my attempt at roti, which is an Indian bread. I didn't consider this at all, but I believe it did help quite a bit to make bread from a different culture! Thank you for pointing this out. That's great thinking! 

Sounds like your sub-conscious mind (body?) wants you to use that tortilla press. Maybe you could give it a try sometime?

It's okay if it doesn't turn out so great right away. To be honest, those roti I made are barely edible! Most of it  went to the compost for the bugs to enjoy recycling in to garden soil. That's okay because I learned a lot, and I found a good use for them still! 

<3 Jazzy

[Jazzy]

I just completed the final review of my letter to M before sending it. I am amazed that I completely missed at least 3 words!

Sure, they are small words... but that's how neglect starts, with the things which don't seem so important. Those little things are very important though.

It's very interesting to me how I believed that I was mostly emotionless about this, even saying so earlier. Though I hardly feel anything, it is clearly having a notable impact.

I'm hyper-aware that my writing is not perfect, but I generally do not leave words out entirely.

To be fair, there are a number of other things which have been challenging tonight. It's been a while since I checked my e-mail. I had one waiting for me from my brother, who hasn't spoken to me in a few weeks. It was very detached. There is another one from my ex-wife, which I have not even read yet.

Hopefully all of this is adding up more than I realized. I'll need to be careful tomorrow; I'm off to bed very shortly.

[Armadillo]

<3 Jazzy

That's a lot of emotional content forn1 day...the detached email from your brother, finishing the letter to your mom, and an email from your ex wife. I'll be up for awhile and will check back in a bit to provide a little support if you need it. 

You're doing great. Keep on moving forward with that confidence and self-kindness. And you are exceptionally kind to others. You deserve the same in return.

[Jazzy]

Thank you Armadillo!

I appreciate your confirmation that this is a lot to deal with, and your checking back in a bit means so much to me.

Thank you for your encouragement, kindness, and respect as well.

<3 Jazzy

[Jazzy]

Last night was difficult. That seems dishonest to say, because it wasn't very difficult at all compared my nights as a child. It was difficult compared to the past few nights though.

On top of the e-mails, there were a family of raccoons going through the neighbour's garbage at around 1:50 (AM). This worried me because my cat, Tiger was outside, but I wasn't sure where. She is very defensive when threatened, so I was scared for her safety. There wasn't much I could do besides look around the yard though, so I had to fall asleep hoping I would see her again in the morning without any confirmation.

I know Pete Walker says "Our body keeps the score", but I'm amazed at how much. Though I am a bit less amazed thanks to Armadillo's reaction. It took me a couple of hours longer to fall asleep than what has been normal recently. I also slept for nearly double the amount of time I like to.

Update: It's taken me about an hour to realize, but I'm also in much more pain this morning compared to the last few mornings. It makes me sad that I am so accustomed to being in pain. I'm glad I did notice though.

I'm confident I did not rest well, but held my muscles tightly due to stress, even while sleeping. Stress is so powerful and damaging. I  will be more careful.

I wonder how much of my spinal problems are due to the trauma and not to birthing difficulties. How tragic that the worst of it was preventable, but happened anyways.

I also noticed this had a big impact on my mood, which influenced my thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. In particular I was wearing my house coat a fair bit last night, which I do not usually do (lately).

When I woke up, my computer had crashed which was concerning. I was hoping for a better start to the morning. Thankfully I was able to fix it up in only a few minutes though! Some of the hardware is older and should be replaced, but I'm glad we're still going. 

I'm pleased that my sub-conscious mind realized a slight error I made in a post yesterday (on a different website). I am quite proud of that post. I also doubt anyone noticed the error, but I'm glad to have corrected it. More-so that my mind is able to make that realization despite all of the other things. That tells me I'm handling it well. 

[Armadillo]

<3 Jazzy

I hope you get better sleep tonight and have less extraneous emotional stuff coming at you. You are very detail oriented so I'm not surprised you could catch an error in a post just by thinking about it! But that is pretty amazing. I apologize for the multiple typos in all my posts here. 😳

But at least my caring comes through despite the typos. So I'll keep on keeping on! 😁

I hope your day improves and you get some good strong properly-aligned exercise in!

ETA: I know what you mean in comparing last night's difficult night to a childhood difficult night. When I'm struggling now it's on a very different level than when I was struggling 3 years ago but didn't have the strength or awareness to even know how deep it was. I think we still get to say we had a bad night or a sad day...we can use normal life as a calibration, we don't have to use the worst moments as a calibration.