Jazzy's Journal: Omega

[Armadillo]

JAZZY

Let's see...did I do it right?

Yup. Does look like what you want?

Together the turquoise for my name and the gold for yours reminds me of a daisy chain bracelet I just made for my daughter with 2 gold beads followed by a turquoise daisy with a gold bead in the center followed by 2 gold.

[Armadillo]

That's really sweet and thoughtful of you Jazzy to notice the woman at the store and to think about what she might have needed. Especially since being at the store is hard for you.  I often feel the same way as the way she held herself in public, depending on how triggered my shame is. A kind "hi" and smile would probably go a long way. But also might scare her or make her feel more ashamed too. Who knows. 😁  Trauma is interesting. Just go with the heart and then you can feel you did the right thing, no matter how the other takes it.

I 100% agree with you that you do not need to be the one avoiding your neighbor. She should be the one to have to feel uncomfortable for her actions. I'm very proud of you for taking the space you deserve. And I'm happy you got to sleep on your back!!!! That's phenomenal work you are doing. I love it. Healing bodies and brains. It's really rewarding, isn't it?

[Jazzy]

Thank you Sage!,

I really appreciate your encouragement of me going outside. Despite it being difficult, I am making steady progress, one small step at a time. The last two days I have eaten dinner outside, which is important to me.

I have a lot of feelings of bitterness about how she has treated me, which results in unkind thoughts towards her. This is why I said I was being selfish. I am doing my best to hear and accept those thoughts for a moment, then push past them by singing, which puts other words through my mind.

I am a little proud of myself, perhaps I should be more. You mentioning how a lot of people would feel more of that tells me I still have work to do. That's good. Now that I know this, I can improve it. I have made a note of it. Thank you for sharing that!

--

I do use that grocery store a lot. It is relatively close by, which is important, as I carry my groceries while walking. It is also cheaper than the others, which is good for my tight budget. It makes sense that you go to a grocery store that is good for you, with "good" being more than just "closer". That's self care in action! 

Thank you for your positivity about the woman. I hope you are right, which is certainly possible! I like to hope for the best too, so I'd rather spin things more positively than less!

Thank you for the fond wishes about my walks. They are certainly healing for me, which is important right now! I'm sure I will notice more of the pleasant, sunny, and fresh in time! 

<3 Jazzy

[Jazzy]

That looks beautiful Armadillo, thank you so much for colouring my name the way I like! It means a lot that you have done that in return, especially considering how you've stated that colour connection like that is challenging for you right now. I feel extremely respected by your actions! 

The gold and turquoise bracelet sounds beautiful! That's a very interesting connection you've made between the colours we have chosen, and the memory with your daughter. I don't want to get too carried away with armchair psychology, but it makes me feel loved, or at least cared for, which I greatly appreciate! 

--

Thank you for your compliments and kind words regarding the woman in the store. I'm sorry to hear that you have similar experiences, though I understand that. I am very glad you suggested a kind smile with a "hi". I certainly would have said too much otherwise. Going with the heart is something I'm trying to do more and more these days, but it is such a challenge. I'm sure you can appreciate what I mean by that. Numbers and formulas and technicalities are much more coldly familiar.

--

Thank you for your words about the neighbour. I am working on it! Sleeping on my back has been so helpful. No longer over-extending my arm (shoulder) has been extremely good too. The last few days have been incredibly painful and exhausting, but it is certainly paying off already! All of your encouragement is very helpful with that, so thank you again!

<3 Jazzy

[Jazzy]

I've been wanting to post a picture of my hair since I cut it, because that is very important to me. However it is challenging for me to post a picture of myself online. It's more challenging than I was expecting. Staring myself in the face like this is difficult.

However it is manageable. I find when something is manageable yet challenging, that means that it comes with big rewards. I also realize that a personal picture may be difficult for others, and extremely outside the norm for this website, so I will not put a thumbnail this time.

Click this link if you would like to see me and my hair. (aidevelopment.org - my private website). If not, that is perfectly understandable.

<3 Jazzy

[Armadillo]

JAZZY

Don't take this the wrong way...I don't mean it in a flirty way....your hair looks great truly and you're a good looking person! It's hard for me to believe you are physically self-conscious seeing your photo. Gosh we are hard on ourselves, ay?

It's really a sign of huge progress in my eyes that you posted first your story with your name and then your photo because I remember reading in your older journals how worried you seemed about too much and people finding you here online. Good job going outside your comfort zone. You're right, when something is hard it's usually the right thing to be pushing on.

[Jazzy]

I understand you're not flirting with me, Armadillo. I also understand and appreciate the importance of clarifying that right now.

Thank you for all of your positivity. It is very encouraging and helpful when I "put myself out there, like that".   

You're right, we are hard on ourselves. When I look at my photos, especially ones that show more of my body, I see every imperfection, because that's what I was taught to focus on. I have received a few compliments on my looks before, but I have never believed them. I wonder how much of it is due to what I am focusing on. That is something I will think on further.

Thank you for acknowledging that I am pushing outside my comfort zone. I think that is a big sign of progress, too. Not just that I am pushing, but that I can do it without it taking too much out of me.

Your "ay?" gave me the biggest smile of all.

I really like that word and am working to use it more. Like curse words, it is extremely diverse. "Eh" can mean a million things depending on context, tone of voice, and body language. 

[Jazzy]

I had a thought on my walk about sending a letter to my mother. It deeply disturbs me to cut off all contact with a family member, though that has been best for me up until now. Perhaps it still is, I need to think on it further.

This letter will not be nice, so I doubt it will be received well. Many will consider it an ultimatum or blackmail. I consider it asking for the basic care I should have been given when I was born, so others are free to think what they like of it.

Here is a rough draft containing the ideas I would like to send. I appreciate any feedback.

--
Update:

Recently I have been working on my posture and improving the condition my spine and neck, which is best currently described as "a train-wreck". Every day is filled with physical pain, which is very challenging, but also hopeful.

This physical pain is a constant reminder of how badly my health has been neglected, especially as a child. I should not be suffering like this now, because it should have been fixed when I was a baby.

I cannot maintain a relationship with you while the emotional pain is so raw and powerful, because all I can think of is how I am going through this due to your neglect. As this emotional pain is continuously fuelled by the physical pain, I expect it will be some time before it lessens.

I will write to you again in the future when I am doing better. Please do not contact me until then. If you wish to help speed this process along, I will accept financial assistance for therapy. You do not have to pay for anything if you don't want to. The choice is yours, as it always has been.

While it is taking much longer than I would like, I am working very hard to earn a bit of extra money to pay for the therapy I need by myself. Like when I was teenager, I find almost all of my money going pay for shelter, food, and utilities. I'm not sure how, but I'm confident that I will work this out, no matter how long it takes.

[Jazzy]

I realized something important about anger yesterday, and today I am more confident that I am correct about it.

I realized that anger is the mind's way of providing me with power when I feel like I can't make the changes I need to, such as changes to improve my health and safety. This power not only helps me make these changes, it also helps to ward off hopelessness.

I just finished a low intensity workout. While I wish it was higher-intensity, I am being careful of my joints and alignment problems. Low-intensity is much better than no-intensity. When I finished, I sat down and cried for a couple of minutes. I also felt a bit angry at my neighbor and decided to limit the amount of contact I have with her. All of my life I have wanted to (figuratively) embrace everyone as much as possible, likely because I've been so lonely.

However, I'm sure this is not healthy. I will not be outright rude, perhaps offer a hello when our paths closely cross, but no more. I don't want people who behave that way to be a part of my life. I can't even fix them, they must improve themselves. Hopefully they will find inspiration in me doing my best, from afar.

[Armadillo]

Your plan for your neighbor sounds right on. And anger is important to fuel change.

I think your letter is very direct and kind. I'm not sure how I would handle the financial part. What I'd be afraid of is....how much financial support would make it ok? If she came forward with say $200 and then expected to bebin your life because of that...then what? What if she offered to pay half? Full? What do those different levels of support mean to you? In your shoes I might leave that unstated and perhaps reference how hard you are working to try to afford the therapy you needed as a kid now and that might take awhile, too. You have every right to reference assistance of course if that feels right but I worry about manipulation (M/W manipulating you).

[Jazzy]

Thank you Armadillo

I'm really struggling to see my letter as kind, but I also think you have far more experiencing acting kindly than I do, so I defer to your expertise. Thank you, that is quite encouraging!

I understand what you mean about the financial part. I'm not completely at peace with it myself, though perhaps for a bit of a different reason.

I greatly appreciate you looking out for me and worrying about potential manipulation. 

However I do not see it as support, or making things okay. It is far too little, too late. It makes absolutely no difference to me emotionally if she gives me $1 or $1,000,000.

I will attempt to rebuild a relationship with her again when I am in a healthier place to do so, and not before. I am simply providing her with an opportunity to reduce the amount of time that will take, if she would like to do that.

I really like what you said about expressing how much work I am doing. I have updated my letter to include that. Thank you very much for presenting this point.

<3 Jazzy

[Jazzy]

Armadillo,

I am making a separate post for this because it is so important to me.

I am very relieved and empowered by your reaction to my letter. I did not expect you to take it well, being a mother yourself. I can hardly imagine how it must feel to read a letter like that from one's own child, but I know my mother will not react well at all.

I'm sure she will be in bed for days in a lot of physical pain after reading it. Like many of us, she does not treat her emotions with the respect they require, so her mind takes it out on her physical body.

I think this is an attempt of the mind to force the focus on to itself, by limiting the amount of possible physical activity via pain. However that is an uneducated guess.

Regardless, your positive reaction helps me understand just how unhealthy my mother's reactions are, and that I should not feel guilty for the consequences of them.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart! 

<3 Jazzy

[Jazzy]

Wow, I have an extreme amount of confidence today! I think my decision about the neighbour really helped with that, as have a few other things. People are also reacting positively to my confidence, which fuels it further.

It is a bit concerning though. I need to be very careful because it is so easy to misspeak and hurt someone unintentionally. I haven't had a good role model for confidence, so I'm figuring this all out myself. Last night I misspoke with another neighbour (a much better one!), which I regret. She did wave to me earlier today though, so I hope all is forgiven.

I'm certainly not used to this, and there have been a few times I have reflected on what I have said and done and thought "Wow, did I actually do that? Can I "get away" with doing that?" It seems to be positive for everyone though, so I don't see any reason to be less confident at this point.

I think it has always been there though, hidden under all of the trauma and pain. A few times throughout my life, when I was doing better than normal, people have referred to me as "charismatic" and "a natural leader", which I didn't really believe.

I'm not sure how true these claims are but it's certainly nice to believe.

[Jazzy]

I just had a thought while I was playing guitar which really struck me. I think that everyday things are not supposed to hurt.

This is strange to me, because every day things have always hurt me. They have also always hurt my father. Every time I saw him as a child he was exhausted and in pain, so I thought this is normal.

I'm a little excited about the idea of a life that doesn't hurt. I also understand what a horrible thing it is to be realizing that at 35 years old. I can't truly understand that emotionally right now because I haven't processed it, but I'm sure it's not normal.

[laurels]

(Oh hey, same age!) I wanted to congratulate you on that realization. Maybe it's unfortunate that it happened only now, but I'm glad you had it at all. And while it's not something you grew up with, it's definitely something you can try carry forward! There's so much life still! So much life that you can figure out how to make less painful, or maybe even completely painless. That truly is exciting!

I had this realization not that long ago, that others... just naturally have things easier? And it's not because I'm not trying hard enough. I'm trying three times as hard as "normal" people to get half the results they do. And there were emotions around that realization to process, for sure. But I'm finally ready to live my life accordingly. To consider the consequences of that understanding, implement changes in my life. I hope you figure out how to do it too. Go you!