Jazzy's Journal: Omega

[Jazzy]

I was just picking around on the guitar a little bit tonight. It's one of things I've meant to write about. How I've struggled so much in the past, but now it is far easier. I'm making so much progress with music for the first time in my life.

It's still rather difficult for me to play, even though tonight I am doing even better than last week. I was making progress, then decided to try a more difficult song... nope, too much.

Then I tried listening to learn a strumming pattern, which is really tough for me. I was really trying to relax and listen and feel the music and how to move my arm correctly, but it was such a struggle.

Suddenly I realized... I'M LEFT HANDED! No wonder it didn't feel correct, even though I was really in tune with the music. I flipped the guitar over, and while it felt very foreign and the shape of the base wasn't right, it felt so much more comfortable to hold and strum and push the strings!

Wow!  Amazing what a difference it is! Finally I realize how some people can just pick it up and play. I always that that was incredible, and it is... but it's a bit less incredible when you use your proper hand.

I'm not sure if I should look in to getting a left handed guitar or to work with this one. I'll have to think that out.

I'm proud of myself and glad I figured that out. Yeah Buddy!

[Jazzy]

This morning I transplanted my aloe plant which my M had given me a little while ago. I would really like to save it, but it has been getting worse and worse these past few days. I have no idea how to look after a plant like this, but I researched it as best as I could, and I've been taking steps to help.

While a lot of damage has already been done, I'm very hopeful about this transplant! After gently digging it out, I found that the soil at the bottom of the pot was very wet, while the top was dry. I conclude this is why I am supposed to use an open pot instead of a sealed one.

I'm excited to see how it goes. It's nice to feel hopeful about it instead of the doubt I've been feeling recently.

Yeah buddy!

Here is a before and after picture. The before picture is from quite a while ago, near when I first got the plant and it was doing much better. I haven't taken any pictures of its suffering.

(Click for Bigger Pictures!)

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It is interesting to me that the original pot says "aloe you vera much", which is nice and all... but it's the wrong pot. That is the opposite of love. I find it even more interesting that my mother picked this out for me. How very telling of our entire relationship.

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If anyone has any advice on gardening, I would love to hear it. Gardening is the #1 best thing I know of for mental health, so I would love to learn more about it.

[Jazzy]

I had an interesting though today while I was in the shower.

It's possible I wasn't actually born left-handed.

I've briefly mentioned this before, but I have some skeletal problems. I've always been so embarrassed of them. I'm less embarrassed now, but I still do not like it at all.

It's quite noticeable.  My right shoulder hangs down much further than my left, and my right foot sticks out to the side. Some other people do have it worse, as thankfully I can still walk and even run, but it is becoming problematic for doing higher intensity workouts. I've stopped doing sit ups for fear I'm damaging something in my hip area; I can feel there is something really wrong.

I wonder if this is from childbirth, so as a baby I learned to favour my left side because of the problems with my right. Of course I don't have memories from birth, but it would explain why everything feels better/easier with my left side.

Again, it's a really big thing my parents should have at least worked on with me as I was growing up, but they completely ignored it!

What makes me really angry is that my spine is basically a train wreck (double curve and twist), which I inherited from my grandmother. She spent years going to the chiropractor to get everything straightened out. She says her chiropractor used to call her "the snake lady". As you might imagine, she hasn't paid a * dollar to send me to a chiropractor once.


Hopefully I can still fix this at my age, but I'm expecting it will take a lot of time and money which I don't have right now. I'll do my best with posture and positioning throughout the day. I hope building some more muscle will help too.

I've never realized this before, but I'm extremely scrawny. Being malnourished all of my life has a visible effect. How can everyone I've met just ignore it?! 

I keep trying to end on a good note, and things keep coming up. I guess that's alright though. I still have lots to process, and everything I do is another step towards healing.

[Jazzy]

I've been working on my posture a lot, considering how twisted and misaligned my body is.

It's been challenging that so much is in such bad shape. It seems like the entire house is wrong. All of the surfaces like tables and counter-tops are by my hands when my arms are down, which makes it easier on my arms, but then I have to look all the way down to see what I'm doing, which is very uncomfortable on my neck.

It's obvious to me that our modern world is set up to overwork everyone with no concern for their long term health. While typing this, I even notice that my keyboard is uncomfortable. My hands are squished too close together, so my arms are pushed inwards instead of extending out a straight, natural angle.

This is quite depressing, and weighs heavily on me. Between being more aware and holding my body in positions it is unaccustomed to, I am much more sensitive.

Because I'm more sensitive, I noticed that my neck hurt while eating dinner. As soon as I realized that, I noticed that I am craning my head back when I take a bite of something. I somehow seem to have this physical memory of when I was a baby of always having to reach for food. I had no choice but to push my head back so I could tilt my mouth up.

It is extremely hurtful that I was mistreated since the very beginning. I get that my mom was young and it's likely that no one told her any better. But how did she never notice for my entire life?! How is it that just one time she never stopped to look and see what I was doing, then try it herself and notice it was uncomfortable and unnatural.

I had to hurt myself to reach for food as a baby. No wonder why I have a lifelong difficulty of eating enough. That's really deep. It's not like a normal hurt, it's like a soul crushing defeat. I had to hurt myself to reach for food as a baby. That's killing me emotionally. I can't even listen to uplifting music right now.

I feel a bit of anger, and I'm going to embrace that. I'd much rather feel angry than defeated.

[CactusFlower]

Oh Jazzy, I'm so sorry that you had to go through that at such a tender age. At first, I wasn't sure what you meant, then I realized I've seen a lot of parents feed babies like that, coming in from their height and angle with the spoon like reaching down to a baby bird instead of meeting the kid on their level. I you were right when you said no one taught her different. I didn't realize how common it was. And you have every right to be angry.

As for the keyboards (unless you're on a laptop), have you tried an ergonomic keyboard, the ones that are slightly mounded and split in the middle? I use one and have for years. A straight rectangular keyboard is so painfully uncomfortable now. I have a laptop, but I tend to draw on it more than type, as I can't type on that little keyboard for more than a few minutes. I totally get where you're coming from with that one.
:gentle hugs if you want them:

[Armadillo]

Hi Jazzy I'm so sorry for all the neglect and malnourishment and physical abuse and neglect and the word you used a few days ago...what was it? Exploitation? You have such a right to your anger and sadness. I feel a little bad that I have been quiet lately and I wanted to apologize to you for that since you've shared a lot of thoughts recently. I hope I'll be up for reading and posting more in a few days. But I do want to end on a positive note that you are very aware of yourself, of when things are not right, and what works and doesn't work to get yourself on the right path for you. Keep at it. You've got this.

[Jazzy]

Thank you so much CactusFlower and Armadillo! Your replies mean so much to me right now. 

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That's a great idea CactusFlower, thank you. I've added an ergonomic keyboard to my shopping list. I have a vertical mouse which has really helped, so I hope a proper keyboard will be good as well.  is great right now!

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It's okay Armadillo, we all need quiet time. Yes, the word is exploitation. It's so much worse considering the physical problems I have on top of everything else. Thank you for your consideration, positivity, and encouragement.

[Armadillo]

Hi Jazzy,

I haven't fully caught up yet on reflecting on your posts especially the really important one about how you are actually doing all this progress. But I wanted to say I love that you tried playing the guitar left-handed! It'd be fun to find a left handed guitar in a music store to give a try. But way to go on picking around on the guitar! Music is amazing. I think it actually saved my life.

And I also want to say I love the "yeah buddy!" And how you described your friend drawing it out longer for bigger things. So cool and fun and encouraging!

[Jazzy]

The last couple of days have been so challenging.

After processing my problems eating, I set about to fixing them. That's going much better now, which has freed me up to tune in to other parts of my body.

I quickly realized that everything hurts! I had no idea how bad this was. It's not just my posture, it is my entire spine. As far as I can tell, my spine is curved in 6 different directions. The 4 cardinal directions, plus two rotations.

It takes a couple of minutes for me just to figure out what "straight" is. It hurts to hold things straight even for a minute. Everything hurts and everything is so challenging.

I'm afraid to do the more strenuous activities I have started recently, for fear of damaging myself further.

My entire life, I have done everything wrong in regards to my body. Standing, sitting, lying down, all are done incorrectly causing more damage. Things that build on this such as walking, relaxing (TV/computer), and sleeping make the problem worse.

On top of all of that, there is the matter of interacting with everything else in the world. Looking around, reaching for objects, eating, typing, using tools, all of it more and more damaging.

It feels like it will take forever to fix this.


It's a good thing I know how to handle pain. I'm grateful I have orange hair (we tend to have higher pain tolerance)!

On the plus side, I'm seeing big benefits already. My right shoulder is up about an inch and a half higher than it has been for many years. It's only a few centimetres lower than my left shoulder now, instead of almost 2 inches.

[Jazzy]

Thank you so much Armadillo! I need all the positivity and encouragement I can get right now. I really appreciate your message.

[Armadillo]

Geez it breaks my heart that no one got you medical care for your spine and that you can't yet get medical help for it yourself. That sounds really painful.

[Jazzy]

I love that "yet" so much! 

Thank you! 

[Armadillo]

The "yet" is very important. You deserve to get medical attention for that. I have to say I may have had a little fantasy that the W passes on soon and you inherit a bit from a house or something that you could put toward getting physical therapy and whatever other treatments you need.

[Jazzy]

Yes, the "yet" is key! Thank you for expressing that I deserve professional assistance. That helps me feel valued.

Honestly I have had similar thoughts. However I expect she will be around for some time still. I also don't expect to get anything from her because of who/how she is, especially since I have cut her out of my life at this point and don't expect that to change.

However I have more hope for a small inheritance from her parents. They aren't so selfish and of course are older. I remember one time my grandmother mentioned I was in her will, which pleasantly surprised me. I don't know how that will turn out, but anything would help.

Furthermore there is a bit of hope because I live in Canada where we have "free" health care. Of course it is more complicated than that, but if I can make a good case I may be able to get some physical therapy or other help with no cost to me. I have already booked an appointment to talk to my GP next week.

Even if none of that pans out, I still feel hopeful. Not only am I sure I will be able to start making more money of my own "soon", there is the fact of how much experience I have figuring things out for myself.

Surely I can figure out how to improve my skeletal alignment, considering I work with artificial intelligence. They're not the same, but I can't imagine it to be more complex, with all due respect to chiropractors and other specialists.

[Jazzy]

Wow, these past few days have been quite a ride! 

I'm feeling quite a bit better now. I'm not back to where I was, and I don't expect to be for some time. I'm alright with that though. I am good enough, in some ways even better. I have more work to do now, which will take more time and effort. However now that I know what I have to do, I will eventually be much healthier than I would have been without this realization.

I also learned a very important lesson throughout all of this!

Everything seemed so extreme and catastrophic. I previously said:

It feels like it will take forever to fix this.

This is the kind of thinking I have had all of my life. The kind where every little thing feels like it is critical with extreme permanent consequences. That isn't true though.

Over the past few days, what I consider to be the most important thing when working through these kind of changes kept coming to mind. One small step at a time, with lots of encouragement.

Attempting to straighten 6 curves simultaneously is certainly not one small step at a time! So I decided to work on one at a time, which is much easier. Immediately I felt better and began singing to the song that was playing.

At this point, I realized I had been overwhelmed  , which is what causes that sort of extreme thinking. As I just experienced, reducing the immediate burden stops that extreme thinking and clears up the mind to be it's best.

Now I know exactly what to do in the future if these kind of thoughts/feelings come up again. Reduce the amount of workload I have, no matter what. That is far too much to handle.

What is even better is that since I am no longer feeling overwhelmed and my mind is working better, I find I can work on straightening 2 and sometimes 3 different curves at once.

I would love to run my own company one day. This is great knowledge to have for that. By keeping the workload of my future employees from becoming too much, they will be able to accomplish more.