Jazzy's Journal: Omega

[Jazzy]

Wow Armadillo, that was a quick response! I noticed it when I came to update my previous post in the middle of breakfast. I really appreciate that, as it makes me feel important and respected. 

Thanks, I hope I sleep better tonight too. I'm taking small steps to help.

I'm impressed with myself that I noticed that error, which means I am somewhat surprised. It's interesting that you are not. This tells me you think very highly of me.  (I wish I had a thinking emoji here, as that's something I am processing.) Hhmm....

Please don't feel the need to apologize for your typos or anything else like that. I believe that of all the places out there, this is a place to focus on emotion and healing over being "correct". I love how your shame didn't stop you though. 

The reason I'm hyper-aware of my writing (typing) is because it has always been so important to my mother. I think proper writing is more important to her than I am. She makes it a point to frequently call herself an author since she has self-published a small book. I wish I had a healthier reason for being aware of my writing skills, but I am happy to work to improve them regardless.

You're absolutely right that we can use normal life as our calibration. I try my best to use my recent experience, i.e. the last few days. So many things come up that I find it difficult to maintain a normal for very long. That's okay, at least for now.

When I'm struggling now it's on a very different level than when I was struggling 3 years ago but didn't have the strength or awareness to even know how deep it was.

This is great self-awareness and excellent progress! 

<3 Jazzy

[Jazzy]

Tiger has been home safe and sound since I woke up.

Click for bigger picture!

[Jazzy]

Thanks for mentioning a workout today Armadillo! I wasn't sure if I was going to do that, but I did thanks to your encouragement. I'm quite happy I did too!

During my workout I noticed that my left shoulder does not click or pop at all, the way my right shoulder does almost constantly. I found a way to hold the weight so I could move it without the popping sound.

While this seems obvious in hindsight, I've just suffered through it for so long that I didn't even realize it was happening. That's pretty extreme considering how much effort I've been putting in to listening to my body recently.

The way I had to hold that weight made me realize that I'm actually crippled. The range of motion in my left shoulder is extremely limited when I don't over extend or pop it.

I always thought that because I had some movement, I was fine. "Just push through it." It's really not fine though. The word "crippled" has a lot of emotional weight, so it will take some time to come to terms with that.

On the plus side, it gives me a lot of ammunition to help make my case for therapy. I'm glad about that and I hope it leads to a lot of healing.

[Jazzy]

What does everyone think about their names printed in both bold and italics?

I know bold can be a bit scary and maybe slightly triggering, but it makes the names much easier for me to read. I'll be doing this from now on, unless it is bothers someone.

While I'm on the subject, I've been using a black highlight to help make the brighter colours easier to read against the white background. However this doesn't seem completely fair. Everyone deserves a glow!

--

Rainydiary : #ff8533 : Mango Tango : Rainydiary
Notalone : #FF26DB : Hot Magenta : Notalone
Sage : #9840B8 : Deep Lilac : * DOESN'T LIKE ORANGE * : Sage
Armadillo: #40E0D0 : Medium Turquoise : Armadillo
Libby: #4DFFFF Electric Blue: Libby
Jazzy: #7a7614 : Heart Gold : <3 Jazzy

--

I like my name with the black glow much better, so I'm going to brighten up my gold just a little bit. The new code is #7a7614. 

[CactusFlower]

I think they look cool! maybe it's my monitor or settings, but the forum is a light gray for me, not white. Deep lilac, that's a pretty name for it

[Jazzy]

Great, thanks Sage! I appreciate your positive feedback.

Yeah, there are a lot of things that contribute to the colour we see. Off the top of my head I know there are different themes for the forum, as well as different browsers that can be used. As you said, monitor settings and even monitor quality comes in to play as well. The forums even look different to me depending on if I'm in my office or my living room, due to the difference in monitors.

I like the names too. Lilac has always had a good feeling for me. 

[Jazzy]

Today has been an extremely painful day. My body is still feeling the stress from last night.

As I was laying on the couch taking a break to stretch my spine out, I was thinking about what it would be like to not hurt and not have to pay so much attention to this topic. This made me wonder what the word is for "not hurting all the time."

After thinking about it for a while, I concluded that I truly had no idea. What a life I've lead to not know what that word is, and to never look it up until now. So I did look it up, because I wanted to learn.

I can't find a good word for it at all. The closest I can find is "comfortable", but that is more about being relaxed than it is about being pain free. Of course being pain free is a part of being relaxed, but I was looking to find a word that is directly opposite like "light/dark" and "open/close".

What a word we live in where there is no word for being pain free (or at least it is so difficult to find). I'm just ignoring this for right now, because it's far too much for me to handle. It's evil though. Pure evil.

[rainydiary]

Jazzy, I appreciate you bringing up this topic of language.  I find that it is often difficult to find the words to describe our experiences.  I appreciate the dilemma you face - I'm not sure what word would describe living without pain.  For me the words ease and relief come to mind although they both seem somewhat temporary. 

[Not Alone]

Jazzy, I love the bold colors.

Thanks for sharing the photo of Tiger. He is beautiful!

I'm really sorry that you are in constant pain. I wish there was more to say, but I really don't have words.

[Jazzy]

Thank you Rainydiary and Notalone!

Your words mean more to me than I can express right now.

[Jazzy]

I got in trouble tonight! Evidently my confidence and positivity is not helpful for everyone, which I understand.

It reminds me of when I was a teenager. I did whatever the * I thought was best, whenever the * I thought it was best. I learned at far too young of an age that no one was going to look out for my best interests but me, so I needed to do exactly that.

I can't feel about this too much right now, but I suspect this is why i'm still alive and my best friend is not.

Unlike when I was a teenager, I am in a better place now to understand the reasons behind me getting in trouble. It's taken me almost 5 hours tonight to process all of this, but I'm sure I have figured it out at this point. I've realized a number of other things too, which I'm pleased about.

I've tried to express the importance of doing what is best for myself in a more adult way recently. I fear I haven't done well enough at that though.

So to be extra crystal-clear:
Don't do what I do because it is good for me. Listen to yourself and do what is best for you.

There I go telling people what to do again. It's in part because I expect they will take my suggestions as suggestions, and not as commands. I believe that the most important thing is for everyone to make their own decisions.

So you can follow my suggestion, or you can not, or maybe you can somehow do both at the same time, just to spite the laws of classic logic. It's your choice to make and your consequences will follow your decisions.

I suspect some people will not be happy even with this post, but there is only so much I'm willing to change. I think it would be best for them simply not to read my journal if they don't like what I write in it, but I am willing to accept the consequences of my choices.

--

I just took my pulse before bed as I "should be at rest". Interestingly it is about 10 BPM higher than it has been recently. I can't think of any physical reason, because I've been sitting here for the past 5 hours thinking and typing.... ugh that's going to be bad for my pain.

I conclude it is from stress. As I'm starting to think less and feel more, I notice my shoulders are tense and my head is aching. I blame a lot of things on stress right now, but I see no indication that I am incorrect to do so.

Time for bed now, yay! Doctor's appointment tomorrow (later today). Ugh, scary! I'm too tired to guess how things will go tomorrow. I expect it will either be really good or really bad though.

Interesting, that's extremist thinking. Maybe it will just go decently. Enough brain. Thank you for your hard work and good progress. It is time to relax now.

[Armadillo]

<3 Jazzy

Sounds like you could possibly use a friendly hug tonight? If so, it's at the bottom.

I think it is sad you got in trouble tonight for being you. I like your philosophy of doing what is best for you, since your underlying value appears to be treating others well while protecting yourself. If it makes you feel better this is essentially what my therapist tries to drill into me over and over...to be kind to Armadillo and do what is best for her, not others.

Your philosophy also reminds me of how my husband operates and he is the most solid, mentally healthy human I know.

I'm sad to hear you are struggling tonight with thoughts about your friend, too, and why this happened to your friend.

[Jazzy]

Thank you Armadillo! 

Each one of your words mean so much to me, especially tonight when I have so few to offer in return.

I want to jump right in bed, but I think that will result in another extra painful night like last night, due to how stressed I am.

I think it will be healthier to stay up for a bit while trying to bring myself to a better mood, even though it is very late already. I can always reschedule my appointment if necessary.

I feel relieved just writing this out. That helps me feel confident in my choice.

<3 Jazzy

[Libby183]

Hi Jazzy.

I like my electric blue name with the dark outline. It stands out beautifully on my phone screen, and despite glasses, my eyesight isn't great.

Loved the picture of Tiger. I have my beloved dog. In fact, that's where I got my forum name from. She is very scared of cats, but does well when we visit our friend who has three cats. My dog is a rescue and I suspect that she has had trauma in her life.

So interesting to see your thoughts about the lack of a word for not being in pain. These days I am aware that I am not in physical pain, but I think that is because I am in so much emotional pain. Before, the emotional pain was kept under cover by the physical pain. For all of us here, the body really does keep the score. I hope that things get sorted so that you can get treatment for your skeletal pain. You deserve to be pain free at long last.

I think that you are spot on about the effect of stress. It is all encompassing and completely debilitating. So many layers of stress, often from the start of life, that we don't have the resources to cope with. How can anyone deny the existence of CPTSD? It's so clear in all of our life histories.

Hugs to you, Jazzy. Talking to you is helping me get through my days.

[Jazzy]

Thank you so much for your words here, Libby. They are very warm and encouraging to me.

I will reply more in-depth at a later time.

<3 Jazzy