Sage's Journal

[Blueberry]

It's nice to read your journal again, cf. I'm sorry you're missing your kitty

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, Blueberry. I don't post as often because I feel like I'm kind of in a holding pattern for some reason. Therapy goes from weekly to every other week this year, so I guess that's progress. The creativity is doing okay, got several things finally finished in the crochet basket. I have pieces to put together for a cardigan, but haven't had the energy to do so. I've also had more dreams where mom and I just hang out and do stuff like we used to, so it's hard because I sometimes don't want to leave those. Still haven't been able to finish crime show episodes where the jerk, I mean father figure, was in the military.

On a positive note, I've cooked a little more. Still love that crock-pot!  I also discovered you can do hashbrowns in an air fryer, so no more standing at a stove for 20 minutes on those! (I'll admit, I love potatoes)

[sanmagic7]

hey, CF, i remember my days w/ a crockpot and used it voraciously.  haven't used one in quite a while, tho, but dang, that meat came out tender!  so glad you're enjoying yours.

i've also discovered there are a lot of shows that are too triggering for me to watch anymore. when i didn't realize what was happening, it wasn't a problem. now that i know, yep, like you, they're off the table for me.

i know you'll get to your projects when you're ready.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hi CactusFlower,
I also love potatoes, and hope you're enjoying your cooking.  I love the word 'crock-pot' too - I tend to say 'slow-cooker' which doesn't sound as nice!

 
Hope 

[CactusFlower]

I'm still here!  Been down a bit lately. Also was off my anti-anxiety med for a few days due to having to wait for something to be restocked in the pharmacy, but that's fixed.  it certainly was interesting to see, though. On about day 4 off of it, my BFF hadn't responded like he normally does to emails and texts, and I started doom-spiraling. He was fine, just actually able to sleep in for a change. But I was totally worked up. I also noticed I'm much more easily irritated off it as well.

Have been getting a little crocheting done. I need to block some squares to put together. I have some baby yarn, you know that pastel color type, from the bag someone gave me. I have no kids and know no kids, so the bro's cat is getting a blankie. LOL Hey, fur kids count!

Therapy has moved to every other week this year, I think that's an improvement. Part of me still hates thinking I'll be on these pills forever unless something else is invented, but I try not to think about that. No letter yet on the disability front either. Argh. just... sigh.

[Armee]

Gentle safe hugs, Cactus Flower. Fur babies totally count. I'm so angry at our disability system from your experience and others'.

[NarcKiddo]

Bro's cat is a lucky cat to get a blankie from you.

I'm sorry you had to be off the meds for a few days, although at least your reactions have validated the worth of taking them. I understand why you might not like the thought of being on them forever but if they work, I guess that helps at least a little?

 

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, Narc & Armee.  Still here. And yes, the meds do make a difference. I've been able to get a little writing done and am currently taking a free class through a local writing group on a different method of making notes for your writing. Not sure how much I like the class or not. It's online and recorded, but the lady contradicts herself several times in the first video alone. Oh well, it's free. I'll just pull what nuggets I can from it, it's only four videos. I do get quite amused at how many authors think their method is the be-all and end-all and everyone can benefit from it. Everyone is creative differently. If it works for you, that's all that matters.

Bro's cat does like the blankie. Now he can switch her blankies out when they need washing or whatever. Not spoiled, though. (eyeroll, ha ha)

BFF has Paramount Streaming, so we've been binging Star Trek: Strange New Worlds a few episodes at a time, usually with lunch or dinner. This show... Wow. One of the execs is Gene Roddenberry's son, and maybe it's his influence, but this show blows me out of the water. I grew up in the first era of re-runs of the original series, and this series has utterly amazing continuity, while simultaneously expanding where the 1960's one didn't. I watch each one, probably with hearts in my eyes, and each one give me such joy. The actors are wonderful, the set and effects are beautiful, and the storylines connect to the original one in delightful ways. It reminds me of one of the good things about being a kid. Being able to re-experience something that makes me happy is amazing, honestly.

I've still had nightmare nights, down days, been triggered and such. But I am not letting go of something that makes me smile, that's for sure.

[sanmagic7]

hey, cf,

i hope your disability news comes soon, and it's positive for you.  my D's came back already, a big, fat, 'no' - basically it said she wasn't disabled enough.  her rep says they'll go for another round of appeals, tho, and she just needs to keep getting med. notations.  dang.

your creative side never ceases to amaze me.  it's wonderful.

so glad you found that 'star trek' series and it's bringing you such joy.  that's wonderful.  my D and i decided that bringing our tv when we move was an absolute must - for mental health reasons!  there's nothing like being able to immerse yourself in a good storyline and characters you care about to take you out of a difficult reality.

keep going, cf.  i think you're doing really well in spite of the down days, etc.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hi Sage,
I wanted you to know that since you talked about that Star Trek series, me and my partner decided to start watching it, and it's a lovely series, to thank you!
Hope 

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, San, Hope.

Still waiting, still creating. Processed some more grief since the 13th was Mom's birthday. That was still hard. No changes on meds or really anything else for now.

[Armee]

 

Thinking of you and your loss and grief, CF.

[Blueberry]

  

[Papa Coco]

CactusFlower,

It's good to see you online CF. I think about you often.

I used to love Star Trek. I was 8 when it hit the air for the first time. It changed me. It would eventually help get me through what was about to become the most terrifying period of my childhood. It immediately became a source of comfort for me. I've seen all the movies and followed several of the follow-on series': Next Gen, Voyager. I haven't started Strange new Worlds yet, but you have piqued my interest. I think I need to give it a look.

In 1981, before I married Coco, I only watched ONE hour of TV per week. Saturday night, 6 PM, Channel 13: Original Star Trek reruns--one per week. It was one of the highlights of my week back then. (That was decades before I knew that my mood swings and chronic loneliness were related to trauma). It was my one soothing hour per week. The Star Trek franchise does a good job of exploring social issues in a way that entertains AND makes us think. It's oddly comforting. And if you think about the reclusive teens of today's world, who were bullied for being abused, autistic or just shyly quiet, those people are often Trekkies. It's like the franchise was made for folks like us. There's an odd sense of freedom in the idea of driving a ship through space and "materializing" on and off of other planets and then driving away at warp speed. For me it was empowering. It fed my imaginary world which is where I hid from the earthen world.

Sometimes today I put this little youtube video on the screen and just let myself meditate on being in this spaceship where I'm alone and safe. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPWYQ94Ief4

A little imagination can go a long way.

Live Long and Prosper, my friend.
Thinking of you. 

[CactusFlower]

Hugs all, thank you so much.

I'm still here. Doing better this month. The creativity is definitely continuing. A local art center has a thing each year where they provide crude little wooden blanks shaped like houses. (think a triangle on top of a cube, like a kid's drawing, not always even angles) You sign up and get a free blank, get 2 months to create a "Little House" in any style/media/composition you want within the size limits, then turn it back in. They then have a showing, the the houses are auctioned off for charity. (they made nearly $9000 last year!)

I went and picked up a blank and signed up today. I'm going to cover it in crochet, but the tiny stuff using crochet thread. I found a stitch pattern that will even work for roof shingles. I'm kind of excited about this. it improves my skills, lets me be creative, and goes to a good cause. I love doing stuff like that. I'm just waiting for the thread to arrive on the Amazon truck sometime today.

Meds staying the same, therapy going decently, definitely doing okay. I'll take it where I can get it.