Sage's Journal

Armee · November 03, 2023, 04:07:44 AM

CactusFlower · November 07, 2023, 02:32:07 AM

HUGS, thank you, Armee.

I know I haven't posted much lately. The anxiety is just building more and more. Disability hearing is 1 week from this morning. I did get my Doc to write a note about why I can't work, passed that on to the lawyer. It's hard to concentrate on anything much. Plus, the stress disrupts sleep, making me more likely to have nightmares, so I don't know if that's the result of not taking the Prazosin for a few weeks or just the stress causing them. Urgh. Haven't slept well at all. I'm trying to distract myself with various things and stay positive, but that's work in itself. Still checking my blood pressure to give Doc readings. I got it down to normal once so far. I can definitely see when a high-sodium meal affects it. And of course, now that I have to moderate, I want salty snacks.

On one positive, I got a lovely tarot deck from a local gal on FB marketplace and she even brought me a large (bouquet?) cluster of mint sprigs from her garden with it. How kind and it does smell nice. I'd like to get back into the cards, it's been decades. I have one of those hydrating face masks, maybe I'll use it tomorrow, kinda have a self-spa day. I'm rambling. Tire but not the least bit sleepy. Sigh.

NarcKiddo · November 07, 2023, 10:02:19 AM

I hope you have a nice self spa day. That's a good thing to do.

As for the salty snacks, I find that a salad dressed only with vinegar can work well with those cravings. You could use oil as well, but it changes the mouth feel and in my own case I avoid the oil for various reasons. Of course you need a really nice tasting vinegar. Balsamic fruit vinegars are best, if you can get those over there. Mine are made in Hungary but not sure if you get much in the way of Hungarian suppliers where you are. It is a bit niche.

CactusFlower · November 07, 2023, 07:25:09 PM

Thanks, Narckiddo. I do love a good balsamic vinegar. They're almost sweet-ish the older they get. I do have one that my BFF got me, it's a 20-year old! I'll have to try that. Gosh, now that sounds soooo good.

Larry · November 08, 2023, 11:45:14 AM

Hi cactus flower, i hope you have a great day !!

Armee · November 13, 2023, 02:35:26 PM

Cactus Flower,

I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you today as I think your disability hearing is tomorrow and in your shoes I know my stomach and emotions would be in knots. I want you to know that no matter what the hearing decides, you DO deserve disability. What was done to you has caused disability and real physical pain and limitations.

It is horribly unfair we allow these things to happen to kids in the first place and then provide no support for recovery and healing and the impacts made. It's a weakness of our society and whatever they decide, it is not YOUR weakness that you need these services. It is society's that we let it progress to this point without intervention and help.

I will be sitting here praying to your personal higher power that they make the right decision and finally offer you some relief. But regardless of the outcome know we are here cheering you on and all the other Cactus Flowers out there, and hoping this system changes bit by bit. By asking for what you need and deserve and fighting for it you are already helping to do your part in fixing the system. Go get 'em!

Love and hugs,

A

sanmagic7 · November 14, 2023, 06:26:57 AM

CactusFlower · November 14, 2023, 05:59:59 PM

San, Armee, Larry, thank you so much!

I think it went ok. He was nice, but efficient, and I really couldn't tell what he decided. I'd previously looked him up and his approval rate is just slightly above the natural average by a point or to, so we'll see. Now I have to wait for the letter of decision. That could take a couple months. I'm really hoping I got it and don't have to appeal further. At least my age and that my Bachelor's is pretty old counted in my favor. The letter from my therapist and my Occupational Therapy evaluation were noted in particular, so we'll see. I did get a bit of a chance to explain my daily life and how the mental and physical interact to make things worse. So we'll see. My blood pressure was actually in the normal range this morning! I didn't even take it yesterday. My BFF took me out to a late lunch afterwards, which was very nice. I definitely slept a little better last night. Keep up the positive thoughts and now I can hopefully get back to concentrating on normal things. My therapist floated the idea of every other week next year, I think that's good. Now I can just start making that Thanksgiving grocery list.

Gentle Hugs to all and gratitude for all your support.

Hope67 · November 16, 2023, 04:00:21 PM

Hi CactusFlower,
I'm so glad that you got through your appointment ok. Finger's crossed for the result. It's lovely that your BFF took you out for a late lunch, and that you slept a bit better last night. I know you're preparing for Thanksgiving, and hope that your grocery list was enjoyable to make in preparation for that.
Gentle hugs to you

Hope

CactusFlower · November 17, 2023, 07:27:34 PM

Hugs back, Hope, thank you. Keeping the menu simple this year.

Well, I'm kinda just... here. The nightmares eased up a wee bit, let's see if that stays. I sent my doc the 2 weeks of BP readings, she's up-ing the med to the next dose and send another set 2 weeks after starting it.

The hypertension brings up something fascinating. So, a friend on a Discord server found a wonderful site, geneticgenie.org, where you can upload your raw DNA data (like from ancestry or 23&me) and it gives you scientific reviews and LINKS to more scientific proofs and studies regarding your possibility of medical conditions, drug reactions/sensitivities, and more. it also compares how many copies of the alleles mean you are likely to be a carrier or actually have something. It's not a guarantee you'll get anything, just your possibilities. And, best of all, all your data is de-identified and deleted after 24 hours. I did it it and lo and behold, some things that make more sense now:

Genetically, with hypertension, I am more sensitive to sodium content than most people.
I have a sensitivity to reactions from amitriptyline, which makes those side effects make sense.
I'm more predispositioned towards heart and GI issues.
and strangely, 3 or 4 different ones that indicate if I were to take Warfarin (a blood thinner), I'd probably need a lower dose. There were a bunch of other things that were either benign or I'd be unlikely to ever need that med, or ever be in that situation (example: I have no kids).

it's not an in-depth review for anything in particular; any real concerns would likely have their own analysis needed further. But it sure is interesting to see why some things have affected me.

Ok, I have to squeak a moment now. I just checked my email, and a flash fiction I wrote will be published in a Literary journal next year! OMG OMG OMG. and breathe....

Armee · November 17, 2023, 07:30:38 PM

Oh my gosh yay! Congrats Cactus Flower!

CactusFlower · November 22, 2023, 04:38:22 PM

wee bit sad. BFF not going to join us for Thanksgiving this year. He's still having some post-surgery issues and not feeling up to extended things. We're just having a small dinner for ourselves since the holiday really doesn't mean that much to us, but that's it. Managed to do a little crocheting. I'm starting to run out of yarn. Still kinda mad the pandemic pushed yarn prices up so high.

Random: store brand of cold brew concentrate is very drinkable and a little cheaper than the previous brand I tried.

Tarot study going slowly, this week's card is the High Priestess. It still amuses me there's a cat on every card in this deck, and this one has a cat on the table, spilling a bag of runes. The artist must have cats, LOL.

Slightly increased BP med dose must be working, 3rd day in a row of randomly taken readings in the normal range. Of course, could be the absence of the pre-hearing stress, so we'll see in a few weeks.

Brain feels all over the place, hard to focus and I'm not sure why.

NarcKiddo · November 22, 2023, 05:36:37 PM

I'm glad the BP is improving. Meds or no, it's a good result.

sanmagic7 · November 23, 2023, 06:04:38 AM

CF, thanks for the update on your hearing. wishing the best for you. my D's hearing is next wed., and i passed along to her your thoughts. she appreciated it. fingers crossed and prayers flying for you both. love and hugs

CactusFlower · November 23, 2023, 04:17:27 PM

Hugs, san. Another key is just answer their questions with a basic answer. don't overshare or volunteer anything more than what they ask for. it's not necessary and complicates your lawyer's job.

Thanks, Narc! The genetic thing about the salt is proving true. I had a frozen dinner yesterday for lunch, nearly gasped when I looked at the salt content after, and the reading was high again in the evening. Ugh. My bro is picking up a lower-sodium mac and cheese at the store today, hopefully it tastes okay. This modification is honestly harder than getting rid of a lot of sugar.

Bro is making the sugar-free apple crisp today and we'll cook for the dinner tomorrow. The most salt then will likely be the stove-top stuffing, but I like that stuff. I don't usually have it outside of holidays.

Feeling kinda sad lately, not sure why. Maybe it's the season. Maybe it's that I don't have my sweet cuddly boy cat this winter. I swear, losing him has been so hard. This sucks.