Sage's Journal

[Not Alone]

Your dinner sounds lovely. Glad you get to have your session tomorrow.

[CactusFlower]

Yesterday was good. I didn't get to everything with my T, but there will be next week. I am seeing a lot of value in the trauma healing podcasts I'm listening to. I can't use the word "enjoy", but appreciate/value/empathize with/learn from and the life are useful. The Healing Trauma Podcast, Conversations with Carolyn Spring, Complex Trauma Recovery, and Mental Illness Happy Hour are all so useful. (flippant name, but great podcast) I listen to one or two in the morning as I'm getting into all the email and forums and such. Kind of like an educational morning meditation.

Leftover ham is so delicious. I'm so pleased. That was about $30 and change for the ham, yet we had Xmas dinner, leftovers, 5 bags in the freezer, AND the bone for ham & beans later.  Super pleased with that. And I only put a little celery seed and garlic powder on it in the crockpot and it was delish. I did NOT use the packet that came with it that listed 3 types of sugar for a glaze plus "spices".  YUCK.

Just have to get through New Year's next. Earplugs are ready. Teddy bear is ready.

Oh, also, the "playdates" I'm running for the weekdays ACA group are going really well. People really appreciate a safe, non-judgemental place for an hour(zoom) to play, indulge their inner child, or even just hug their stuffies. (part of me really wants a squishmallow now) I said I'd think about a monthly or bi-monthly thing maybe, as they did express a wish for them to continue.  That validation felt really nice. They understand I don't want to be overwhelmed by continuing the 2x a week ones, and some people even suggested helping so they could jump in if I couldn't do one. I love this group of people. They are such a great example of how people should be to each other.

[CrackedIce]

Thanks for the recommendations for podcasts! I've been doing a lot of audiobooks lately but they can be quite dry, mixing in a podcast or two would likely be a welcome change.

I love the satisfaction of a well done supper as well, it's really gratifying making a complex meal for others that works out and they appreciate.

The play date thing sounds like a good time! I inadvertently found myself hugging a stuffed animal for a long part of our Xmas evening extended family chat, it was very comforting. I can definitely see how others would appreciate it.

[CactusFlower]

Slightly frustrated. I put in to renew my meds online, and 2 need a call to the doc to authorize more refills. Which is fine, I know she will, but the question is if they'll get ahold of her this week since we're between holidays. So I've got to space those out until I get more. Hopefully, that will be Monday or Tuesday at the latest.

On a positive food note, beans have been acquired and plans made for dinner with the BFF Sunday doing good ol' ham and beans.  I have the large hambone from Xmas and plenty of leftover ham, so this is gonna be super tasty.  I haven't had this in a long time. It freezes well, so I'm gonna load the crockpot.

Not too sure why, but the whole holidays time period has me feeling very... blah. Kinda sad, kinda numb, just... blah. I don't have an overt conscious reason. I do get light, so it's not "SAD". I get temporarily cheered up, like family dinner and such, but then it's like it just sinks back into the bog.I know the CPTSD is why my thoughts can catastrophize, but it doesn't stop the feeling of futility to know that. Meh. At least the kitties are cuddly. Maybe my stuffed bunny and a mug of cocoa will help a little.

[Blueberry]

  This phase will pass. Maybe some part of you needs a little down time? Which you planned in with your bunny and mug of cocoa. 

[Not Alone]

Bunny and cocoa sounds lovely.

[Armee]

I feel it too, a little. And holidays are a time to miss people you have loved who have passed. 

I know you've been doing podcasts lately and I've found Anderson Cooper's series on grief to be fairly profound, especially his interview with Stephen Colbert, surprisingly enough.

[rainydiary]

This time of year is complex for so many reasons.  I hope that you have found some things that felt supportive.

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, Blue, Armee, Notalone and Rainy. Gentle hugs back.

I was listening to one of the podcasts this morning and the guest (sorry, I forget her name at the moment) was discussing attachment theory. I read up a bit more on it while listening and it brought a thought to mind. As you might remember, I've mentioned the male parental unit was military. Well, when I was 3/4 or so, he got stationed for a 9-month stint in Turkey. Assignments there could be accompanied by spouse, but due to various political issues, not with kids. So they arranged for me to stay with Mom's parents while Mom went with him (first overseas assignment for her). So I lived with Grandma and Grandpa in a home they had in the mountains just outside of a small town. Loved it, had a good life there, awesome and loving time. Then Grandma started developing the big C (she was a smoker). When Mom and he came back, we went to the next assignment on the East Coast of the USA. Grandpa sold the land and they came with us. Grandma is buried out there, and Grandpa lived with us even over in an Asian country until I was 7, when he passed.

Here's my theory: using Attachment theory, what if it was actually worse that this happened? That I was "abandoned" in a way, but to a really loving and supportive set of grandparents whom I bonded with and was safe and happy, then that was all changed? And once Grandpa passed... There was no more barrier for the male parental unit in regards to me? Maybe it was worse because I did have a good family model for a short time and that was removed?  I'll discuss this with my T next week, but it does make a lot of sense. Huh. Wow.

[Armee]

 

I think you are onto something there for sure. I've felt that too. We were with my stable kind grandparents and then were taken away from them and thrust into chaos. It's probably worth processing.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing this insight and hope it opens up opportunities for healing.  I am grateful you had such supportive grandparents.

[Hope67]

Hi Sage,
Wishing you the best for 2023, and wanted to pop over and give you a hug 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hey, CF, i'm w/ the others - what you wrote about having to leave a warm, caring family unit sounds significant.  i think it's a good thing to process w/ your T as well.  it makes a lot of sense to me.

wishing you some light and bright in the coming year.  love and hugs 

[CactusFlower]

Thank you and hugs back, san, hope, rainy, and armee. My T agreed that what I thought makes sense.

We then talked about some dreams and some possible goals. I agreed to TRY to get out of the house, weather permitting, once a week. And also trying to make some of the excursions not "have to" chore stuff, like laundry and grocery things. That way the goal isn't overwhelming. It might include walking 2 or three blocks (which will take me a while), all of which are to improve a little physically and have an opportunity to interact with non-online people. LOL plus I'll be tracking my mood and energy closer. I showed her how I do that in my Bearable app and I'll be looking at how to pull off the reports it can produce.

The beans and ham dinner yesterday with the BFF was lovely. Tasted just like mom's and was very comforting, and we chatted for a while. I am SO SO grateful he lives next door. Also. meeting with meds psych moved to this week since I need those refills authorized anyway. Yay. good to go.

[Armee]

We'll be here to offer encouragement as you step out into the real world a few times a week. That seems like a tough but worthwhile goal.

I'm so so happy your ham and bean soup turned out like your mom's. ❤