Sage's Journal

[CrackedIce]

Hi CactusFlower!

I hate when they substitute stuff out!  It's almost never a proper substitute!  We used grocery pickup quite a bit at the beginning of 2021 but eventually stopped because they got really bad at substitutes or just not being able to find stuff.  Probably a lot of workload for them or high staff turnover, so can't blame them too much.

I found your comments on dissociation interesting - I often find myself falling into lost or off-track thoughts when faced with difficult tasks or when I'm particularly stressed; just thought that was a thing my brain did, but now I'm wondering if it has something to do with dissociation.  I may look into that more.

Hope you have a great week!

[sanmagic7]

hey, sage.  it seems that dissociation comes in many forms.  in my research, i've also discovered that i take on depersonalization properties, where i feel like a different person and words coming out of my mouth are not from me.  this stuff is amazing - how our brains have worked to keep us as safe as possible.  and all of it linked to trauma.  what a number that has done on us.

i've had those substitution experiences as well.  quite frustrating at times.  but, there it is.  and i think the food you're making is wonderful.  healthy and hearty.  lovin' it!  love and hugs

[Armee]

Me, too, Sage. I never related to the descriptions of dissociation or the examples used, but the things I experience are clearly dissociative at a level approaching or exceeding disordered. The descriptions don't do it justice. 

[CactusFlower]

Good therapy session today. And I did get out of the house yesterday. So, this fun thing happened. So in my Facebook's Buy Nothing group, someone was offering a unicorn plushie. I got it, and looked at in in the car on the way home.  Is it a unicorn?  NO.  IT'S EVEN BETTER...  It's literally a one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eater!  AND! you press his foot and he plays a line from the song, "Monster Mash"!  I love this 1000x better than a unicorn! He's even the perfect colors. What were the chances that would go to someone old enough to be familiar with both songs?  here's a couple pics: https://imgur.com/gallery/KC3JAoD And so soft and squishy.

Also, bro just made the most perfect lemon pound cake I've ever had. Light, fluffy yet moist, melt in your mouth, and a glaze with lemon pucker power. His baking talent is a gift, I swear.

Dreams have been okay lately, so I'll take it. Just paying more attention to dissociation episodes and moods during the day. That Bearable app is coming in really handy for that and has weekly reports. Agreed with therapist to see if anything correlates with nightmares since I've had a few more this past month. I admitted I'm tired of being tired.

Feeding the cats on a schedule rather than free-range is interesting.  Pumpkin came in the room and yelled at me when I was 9 minutes late this evening, LOL. It's funny how they try to lead me into the kitchen, like I don't know where the food is. I can't tell if Varric is gaining weight yet, but bro also shuts him in for an hour in the afternoon for an extra feeding.  He's certainly inhaling the food, so let's hope it helps.

[rainydiary]

I love the sound of the plushie you acquired and hope it brings joy.

[Armee]

I love it, Sage. Press play on that stuffy so I can giggle at it's song and then give it a squeeze and a thanks for me.

[sanmagic7]

such a delightful surprise, CF.  those songs are a hoot!  sure to bring a smile, and i love the sound of its squishiness.  enjoy enjoy enjoy!!!  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, rainy, armee, and san. It does make me smile.

Colder today. I really hate being cold. I'd far rather be overheated than too cold, but that's just me. one problem is that when I'm cold, my hands are generally very cold and hard to heat up, therefore it's hard to crochet or draw at all. Fingerless gloves don't help because it's my fingertips that are like ice. Boo.

Just feel off and kinda down today. Might try to work more on my step 3. BFF sent a video where Russell Brand (who apparently is in recovery) explains (with profanity, unsurprisingly) what each of the 12 steps mean in really layman's terms that could pertain to any similar program. I was impressed, as each explanation was simple, yet profound.  Then I clicked through and skimmed his facebook posts. LOL Nope. He might be in recovery and do a lot of yoga and meditating, but he's still kind of a nut and had some conspiracy-related posts. So he's still an "word the forum censors but ends in ole", just a bit less self-centered about it. Eh. the one post was profound. Ironically, I was on a page with ads right before BFF sent that, and one ad was Brand with some Gucci cologne. I kept clicking to stop it playing because I don't like him.  LOL

[Armee]

Haha. I can imagine you clicking frantically to get it to stop. Good luck with step 3

[sanmagic7]

hey, CF, best to you w/ step 3.  finding a spiritual component in recovery can be one of the most difficult for some people.  i created my own interpretation of a 'higher power' which suits me, but does the same for me as others' beliefs in a god.  i hope you find what you need.  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

Hugs, can and armee, thank you. I've got the Higher Power, but step 3 is really showing me where I find it hard to let go of control or the illusion of control. Heck, I've had Fibromyalgia since 2008 and I *still* has issues accepting that I simply can't do some things I used to be able to. So I end up pushing myself too hard and paying for it later. My T and I definitely have a lot to work on. I do often share with her what I've written in the workbook my program has. Even if I've had a somewhat OK week, there's still deep stuff to work on.  one day at a time, ya know?

[Armee]

The amount of deep stuff to work on is overwhelming. As is attempting to accept things as they are, believing we should somehow be stronger. But I know you are so so strong to have survived what you went through and the FM is the price you had to pay for survival in those circumstances. It isn't a sign of weakness that you have FM. It's a sign of immense strength.

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, dear Armee. Hugs back.

Panic was triggered by the gas bill. Apparently everyone's affected, the price raise comes from the producers, not the utility companies. Still, it was OUCH levels. My mind jumped to catastrophizing again. It took a while, but I opened up to bro and he will take over the electric bill to help. (2 diff companies here) There's also another assistance program we can apply for, so I will do that. I calmed down a bit once I had this plan in place, but sheesh. Then various news headlines about how Republicans are trying to destroy Social Security or make it difficult at the least to get were making me freak as well. Just so tired of being afraid and uncertain. It's still a really conscious effort to let go of trying to control everything.

Minor positive note, I made my ham and cheese potato soup tonight.  That was delicious and leftovers are put away. I also went through some mementos that were store under the bed. Lots of good memories with these things, so that helped a little.

[rainydiary]

It's so frustrating about the bills especially ones we don't have any control over.  I hope the panic eases as much as it can given the current climate.

[Armee]

My fingers are crossed for more assistance for you and for some movement on disability too. I got a little space heater for Christmas and I'm hoping it will help lower the utility bills if I can more often use that, instead of heating the whole house with gas.