Rainy Diary 2021

[Hope67]

I can't choose how I feel tomorrow, but I would like to focus my thoughts on celebrating myself.  Today I will be gentle with myself and continue that care as long as it needed.

Hi Rianydiary,
However you feel today, on your Birthday, I hope that you have moments in the day that are enjoyable and I wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday, and I hope you have cake  if you like cake, and I wanted also to send you a big hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

Happy Birthday, Rainy. I hope you have a good day doing whatever makes you happy. You are worthy of celebration.

[dollyvee]

Hi rainy,

Hope you have a good day and enjoy a new template for good birthdays for you. I can relate to what you said about birthday's being overshadowed by other negative memories. Birthdays were more about other people in my family than they were about me. I remember organizing a birthday celebration years ago and feeling so much anxiety, that the bottom would just fall out.

dolly

[Larry]

sending some sunshine on your day   

[rainydiary]

Larry, Hope, Snowdrop, Dolly - 
What a welcome and wonderful surprise to open and have so many wishes.  Thank you ❤️
..........
Today I am hoping to celebrate and reflect.

I am hoping to daydream about my future business and future home. 

I am going to make a cake I like and eat and drink things I enjoy. 

I am going to relax and try to enjoy it.

It is snowing today where I live which helps me go more inward. 

Thank you all and I hope you have a wonderful day. 

[Armee]

Happy birthday. 

Your plan sounds perfect

[rainydiary]

Armee, thank you. 
.........

Today was overall good.  I did have several spots where I felt really sad.  I'm not too sure why.

I did notice that when I started to feel bad, I didn't face it right away but rather started eating.

I am having a difficult time with how I feel about my body right now.  I think I would like to move more and will try to get in some more walking. 

I had some weird moments with my husband, my in-laws and my FOO with regard to acknowledging my birthday.  I'm not sure what to make of it all. 

I found my husband to be especially thoughtless today at times and it made me feel bad. 

I do think it would be helpful to spend some time considering how I would like to spend birthdays in the future. 

I think I have always waited around for someone (I don't know who) to celebrate and make me feel really important.  That person could be me. 

[Not Alone]

Rainy Diary, I celebrate you and the beautiful, caring person that you are.

I think I have always waited around for someone (I don't know who) to celebrate and make me feel really important.  That person could be me. 

I have a significant birthday next year. I'm looking at ways that I want to celebrate, although probably not on the day. I've had too many disappointing birthdays in the past, so I am going to celebrate and honor myself with those whom I choose and in ways that I decide.

[rainydiary]

Thank you Not Alone.  These words are much needed.
.........

I didn't mean to not tell the whole truth in my last post but I did.  I learned about something in Pete Walker's book today that I am doing - diminishing. 

I think I diminish how lousy and disappointing birthdays are.  I probably haven't really thought on this before because as a working adult, birthdays are always broadcast and even if people fake caring about your birthday, it is at least acknowledged.

Today had good moments but I am now crying and in an EF.  Birthday memories are coming to mind.  I have some positive memories like my family going to eat at a place of my choosing.  I had a good birthday party in 6th grade. 

But I also feel this voice of my parents to not act entitled.  I think they probably think birthdays are pointless which in my mind means I don't deserve to celebrate or be celebrated.

Tonight at the happy hour we went to, two people I've met once before today were more caring and kind towards me than people in my family including my husband.  One of the people kept saying "Do you feel celebrated?"  I told her yes but the truth is overall no.

My husband especially hurt me today.  When I woke up, he didn't say a word about my birthday.  I finally asked him about it and he acted like he "forgot" when I expressed my hurt (this is a classic move in his FOO).  Knowing that he won't do anything, I prepared my own cake and take care of myself because I know he won't try. 

Part of me is critical toward myself - if I don't express what I want, how can he know?  Another part of me is critical toward him - why is that I can ask him in advance what he wants and make him a cake and plan a special meal but he can't do the same?  Instead he plans things that are about him and claims they are for me.  And I go along with it.

I guess now I know how I really feel and can grieve.  Perhaps I've always held a part of me that thinks this day is just a reminder of what a mistake I am (not what I believe but what my hurt self thinks).  I appreciate all of you sharing with me today.  It helped a lot.  I hope I can get to sleep. 

[Armee]

Rainy.

I am sorry that your husband and FOO were not really there for you on your bday. I'd  feel disappointed, too. 

I think you are an amazing person and I'm glad you bare here. 

[Snowdrop]

That sounds so hurtful, Rainy. If I'd been in that situation, it would have really hurt me too.

You absolutely deserve to celebrate, and be celebrated. I'm glad you're here.

[dollyvee]

Hi rainy,

Urgh that's so frustrating. I'm sorry that happened on your birthday. Not that it's much of a bright side but I hope seeing it for what it really was, and not diminishing, is good in the end. I can relate to what you've said about not allowed to feel special on your day.  You deserve to be recognized. 

I read what you wrote about your dad saying that as well and I'm sorry. Maybe it goes back to someone in his family (religious?) that shamed him into behaving that way? Not that it excuses or diminishes what he said.

Hope you're able to get some rest.

dolly

[rainydiary]

Armee, thank you.  I appreciate the reminder that others would feel disappointed too and it isn't only me.
.....
Snowdrop, thank you also for sharing it would hurt too.  It isn't just me.  I feel celebrated here, thank you.
.....
Dolly, thank you.  I think there is a bright side and I have learned how important it is to be honest with myself first and then I can make changes.  I don't think of my family as especially religious but there must have been some thing my dad felt like he wasn't living up to.  Through adult eyes, I do know my dad was harmed by his upbringing.  It wasn't ok for him to act the way he did yet I also see he wasn't given any tools either and has struggled. 
.........

I finally got to sleep and had really intense dreams.  I can't remember much of them other than they involved dynamics between people including adults and children.

I shared my "a-ha" with my husband this morning that I was really bothered by the person asking me if I felt celebrated and that I don't.  He immediately started trying to fix it and offered solutions from a place of guilt.  I need to get clear within myself what exactly I am hoping for and then I can tell him more.

Something else that annoyed me yesterday was that at dinner he told these folks how this action figure on his desk is from his mom.  I gave him that for his birthday a few years ago after he said he liked that character.  I corrected him.  Later he apologized for not remembering.  What annoys me is that he so badly wants his mom to be the kind of person that would be that thoughtful and she isn't.  Sometimes his weird relationship to his FOO just smacks me in the face.

We'll see how today goes.  A friend of mine invited me to a party at her house.  I have put off her extensions of friendship for a long time and decided to say yes to this.  I feel overwhelmed at going.  I do want to see her again before I move and think in the long run it will be ok. 

[Not Alone]

Rainy Diary, I've had my b-day totally ignored by my H also. It really hurts. There's more I could say, but I don't want to hijack your post. I get it.

Even though painful, I'm glad you are no longer diminishing your feelings about birthdays. You matter and your feelings are valid and important.

I would have been really mad about the action figure incident. 

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, I appreciate you writing and often think of you in these situations.  When I think about the action figure, I feel so much anger.  I had this idea he thinks of me when he sees it and now I wonder, has he thought of his mom?  It's possible he hasn't thought anything.  It is so weird and gross and annoying.  I think this is also important information for me which I will explore below.
.........
I went for a run and all I could think of is my husband.

I am seeing ways I have diminished (that word really resonates with me) my feelings in my relationship to him.  He is not all "bad" but I am also wondering that just as in myself, I can't accept the "good" of someone if I deny the "bad."

I often feel/say to myself: What is wrong with me that I would choose a person that "forgets" my birthday?  There are other things he has done over the course of our relationship that really hurt and I didn't acknowledge that hurt.  Well, I would say I pushed it away and it has come out in other ways (seeped into things). 

I think the time has come for me to really face the hurt I have felt in our relationship.  I thought I had done that but I don't think so.  What I see I've done is start to feel hurt and anger and whatever else.  Then he does or says something that triggers my fear of abandonment and I push down what I felt.  But it's still there. 

I do acknowledge he has gaps and missing things that his FOO couldn't/didn't give.  I do acknowledge that he has grown.  But I haven't acknowledged the impact on me of things that have happened. 

I worry when I see him what will happen if he ever directly faces the truth of his FOO.  I often wonder if he will outgrow me once he faces himself.  And for a long time I would have done anything to keep him from leaving.  I know now I would be ok.  It would be hard and hurt, but I am not defined by him. 

I don't think that is what will happen.  But I don't know.  I do think facing how I feel will be helpful to me.