Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)

[BeeKeeper]

Hope,

I like your unedited writing. It's real and potent and "speaks to me." Your other writing does too, but there are certain phrases you use and ways you feel which allow me to get the idea quicker. In fact, what you describe laying in bed sounds exactly like me! OK, now I have a new way to think about it and possibly shorten my tossing and turning time.

It's always been so nice to hear you write about your accepting partner. WOW! I've never had that, and almost gave up, but I'm giving someone a trial run. Just the possibility is so very exciting.

Voting with Armee about John Bradshaw's book. Yours is MUCH, MUCH better. In fact, I'm going to track it down today and see if I can get my hands on it immediately.

It's hard to read even good healing books because of the feelings and thoughts that come up. But a little bit at a time is good. Congrats on continuing your journey and sharing what works for you.

Thinking of you.

[Hope67]

Libby  Thanks for what you said about shame, and for mentioning the book that you and your friend found helpful.  I notice that it's by John Bradshaw (as Beekeeper mentioned his name) and I have enjoyed books by him in the past, but can't remember if I've read that one you mentioned or not.  I suspect that you're right about shame being a controlling factor across my entire life - it was interesting to think of that.  I think you might be right though.  I can see repeating patterns when I think of how I've reacted to things, and not been able to talk/speak about things.  Clearly feeling shame for broaching some boundaries that others might have put in place.  I need to think more about this - it's such a huge topic/issue.

Dear Libby  I also wanted to say that I hope that your Birthday was ok - I know you mentioned it - and that you weren't necessarily looking forward to it, but I thought of you, and hoped you were ok and having a nice Birthday, and I do remember you wrote some things about something you bought for yourself.  Sorry I've not come over to your journal to say this, but I'm aware that I'm beginning to edit myself, and therefore, I'm just writing things here right now.   

Armee Thank you for saying that you were glad that I didn't erase what I wrote.  I try not to do so, as I know if I listened to the part that tells me to erase things, that then I wouldn't write hardly anything, and as you can see, I do write a lot - which surprises me, as I found it so hard to write anything at all when I first joined this forum/space.    I am so glad to have my partner in my life - he has helped me in many ways. 

Regarding the book - I am aware that I get very enthusiastic sometimes about particular books - and that was one where I felt that enthusiasm.  When you said you might read it, I then worry that maybe you won't like it so much, and that my enthusiasm is inauthentic.  So, I really hope if you read it, that you find it helpful.  I thought and think it is a really powerful book in that it really spoke to many parts of me - hence I felt enthusiastic for it.

Beekeeper I am glad that some things I wrote spoke to you, because I feel that too when I read things people write here, and so it's good to know that that feeling is reciprocated back in things I write as well.  I'm glad you mentioned laying in bed, as it's reminded me of things I want to write about in a moment.  I hope you've been tossing and turning a little less often, as I know that's not nice to be doing that.

I really hope you like the book, if you're planning to read it, as I just mentioned to Armee, I can get extremely enthusiastic about a book if it speaks to parts of me, and that one felt powerful.  I've just also said to Armee that I'm a bit worried incase you won't feel the same way, but I think this is a concerned part of me communicating that.  Hopefully you'll find it helpful.

Sending hugs to you all 

3rd August 2021
At night, I've found there's a part of me that I suddenly hear very clearly crying out the words 'I'm scared' or 'I'm really scared' or 'I'm so scared' - and I hear her concern and her fear, and it's been happening for a while, and yet, even though I try to speak to her, and reassure her, I'm not sure that she actually hears me, and I'm not sure that she knows I'm there.  But I continue to try to reach her and communicate with her, and I hope that my constancy in doing that, might help her to know that I'm there, and maybe I can convince her that she's able to reach over and recognise that she's no longer in danger.

I ended up with a part of myself that was angry and defensive - and kept acting out in various ways - but I was aware of that part, and I tried to dialogue with her, and I tried to thank her for trying to stick up for me and protect me, but I was telling her that I'm no longer in the same dangers that I once was.  I am hopefully free from those, but I know she didn't believe that in many scenarios, and was constantly with me. 

My partner commented that he's noticed that I can be so close to anger very quickly sometimes.  Recognising this, I've been able to try to pause a bit, and put some distance between the flashes of anger that come over me.  I think it's because I've been getting close to what Richard Schwartz would call the exiles, and so the protector parts are coming out more.  I think that's what's happening.  Being aware of it, is helping me. 

I think that's sufficient for me to write just now, as I did end up writing more and just erased it, which is what I didn't want to be doing.  But I did.  I felt I gave too many details away, and yet, when I think about the content of what I wrote, it wasn't really identifiable, but I do recognise there's a part of me that is being hypervigilant and doesn't want me to write those things, so I'm respecting that.

Hope 

[Hope67]

4th August 2021
I've started reading another book, 'Nurturing Attachments: Supporting Children Who Are Fostered or Adopted' and the author is Kim S. Golding.  Kim Golding is a Clinical Psychologist in the UK and throughout the book she gives examples of children she's looked after, and I thought it would be good for me to read this, as it is about attachments and looking at providing a safe base for children who have difficulties with attachment relationships - I feel like I want to help some of my inner child parts, and I hope that this book will help me.  I feel like I can't help some parts of myself currently until I get some understanding and help from a resource like that book.  I hope it helps.
Hope 

[woodsgnome]

I hope it's okay to offer a brief reaction to your mention of the Golding book per adopted/foster children, and your own reflection that it might help you in working with your own parts. After all, in a way they're our own 'inner' orphans and, at least for me, it's a responsible undertaking.

Then my Icr is happy to chime in, "oh stop it -- you have nothing to offer anyone" ... until I stop Icr cold with this: "you seem to forget I worked with many disturbed kids in a pre-school program for several years. So in a way I did successfully work with 'adopted' kids, and was highly regarded for what I accomplished with them -- mainly just making them feel accepted and good about themselves.

Remembering this, and reading of the Golding book you've discovered sets me back to being less afraid to tackle my own inner children as I have started to really find IFS a promising way to relate to the many inner parts that still could stand a loving adult to fully accept them.

While I'm swamped with my own reading at the moment, I hope to get to the Golding book at some point as well.

While I'm here, I hope this is okay -- 

[Hope67]

Hi Woodsgnome,
I am very grateful for your reaction to my mention of the Golding book.  I also appreciated you sharing what your Icr said - as mine had done similar things when I mentioned the book, and I am so glad that you were able to challenge your Icr to say that you have skills from that pre-school program and could therefore use those skills and make use of the book. 

I've started reading the book, and it is really useful to me so far.  It gives so many examples and is written in a clear and comprehensive way, and I have discovered whilst reading it that my inner children are attending to things - both in terms of reminding me of situations similar to some of the things that are written about, and also that they are pleased that I'm attempting to help them by reading about attachment and parenting styles that will be helpful to them.  I have one inner child/part who swears a lot - and hearing that part speak whilst I'm reading, and hearing her say swear words about stuff she remembers about my FOO's behaviour - there is also a part of me that actually finds that amusing and laughs.  I am not meaning that I'm laughing at her, but 'with' her - and that there's some camaraderie there.  I think you understand that Woodsgnome because you've spoken about humour in the past, and I've related to what you've said about that.  Anyway, I am grateful to you for sharing your thoughts, and that you're considering reading the book - I think it will be useful - I hope so.  I am very glad I'm reading it.  I got it out of my library, so it was easy to get hold of.  I know you're swamped with other reading right now though, so take your time to get to it, when the time is right. 

Thank you also for the hug, and sending one also to you 

**********
7th August 2021
Each day this week, something challenging has happened, and I've been surprised that I'm managing to cope with things.  Because I didn't realise so many things could happen in one week.  But I am doing ok, and I am coping, and that feels positive.   I have a lot of things to deal with next week - but I'm going to do my best to methodically work through them and tackle them.  I feel stronger in myself.  I hope this feelings stays.

I think the book about attachments and parenting is going to be really helpful to me. 

Last night, I heard a part of myself say very clearly 'It's all gone wrong' and she said 'It shouldn't be like this' - and I know she was referring to how my life turned out, and I know that she (the young part) has felt a lot of responsibility for things, and thought she could control things and make them right, but she couldn't, and I need to communicate to her that noone could have managed things to make them right, as there were so many factors that were just plain wrong, and difficult to negotiate and deal with, and she was a child.  She's not responsible.  I need to try to tell her those things, but so far she just says things and I don't feel I am communicating with her, but I think she does hear me.  Or at least she knows I'm there.  I think so.

Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I am glad to read this update and how you faced challenges and heard parts of yourself.  I hope it all integrates well and that you continue to find what works best for you.   

[owl25]

I would keep telling this part, even if you're not sure if you're communicating. If you get the sense she does know you're there, she probably does and that in and of itself is helpful. You can keep building on that. 

[sanmagic7]

 

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary, Owl25 and SanMagic,
Thank you all 

Owl - I found it helpful what you wrote about my part, it made sense, and it was helpful.  Thank you.

**********
16th August 2021
Just glad to have made it back here, in my Journal, as it's been really busy and I've found it difficult to get chance to come here to write and to read - and now I'm here, I feel like I don't know what to say, so I'll hope to come back when I am more free to speak.
Hope 

[BeeKeeper]

Hi Hope,

Glad you're back. I wanted you to know I've got Internal Family Systems Therapy second edition from 2020 and am through 4 chapters: The Origins, Individuals as Systems, The Self and Burdens.

In some ways it's a slow slog, but I am keeping an open mind so I can absorb as much as possible. I don't claim to know a single thing yet, but this is what happened with me. I refer to your post a while back about a young part that says things, but doesn't listen to you yet.

When I thought about a former "friend" and how we used to interact, it was really upsetting. I tried to stay with it and look and listen to anything that came to mind. Something vulnerable and kind of young seemed to be there, but no matter what I couldn't access. Later something else came up, and that part was still hanging around. Instead of trying to define, communicate or even "see", never mind listen, I decided to just wait. After a while, several days, it seemed as though this part came more into focus. I think I wanted to assign some characteristics and that didn't work. When I "let" it come to me, it took a totally different form, and now, although we are not speaking yet, we can just "be" together for a while without expectations.

You've had more experience with this process than I do. I acknowledge this might be ramblings and totally meaningless (except to me) but thought I'd throw it out there.

Continue to take care of yourself. 

[sanmagic7]

just looking in to say hi, hope.  sounds like you continue to move forward with your progress.     kudos, too, for managing those challenges.  way to go!   love and hugs

[Hope67]

In some ways it's a slow slog, but I am keeping an open mind so I can absorb as much as possible. I don't claim to know a single thing yet, but this is what happened with me. I refer to your post a while back about a young part that says things, but doesn't listen to you yet.

When I thought about a former "friend" and how we used to interact, it was really upsetting. I tried to stay with it and look and listen to anything that came to mind. Something vulnerable and kind of young seemed to be there, but no matter what I couldn't access. Later something else came up, and that part was still hanging around. Instead of trying to define, communicate or even "see", never mind listen, I decided to just wait. After a while, several days, it seemed as though this part came more into focus. I think I wanted to assign some characteristics and that didn't work. When I "let" it come to me, it took a totally different form, and now, although we are not speaking yet, we can just "be" together for a while without expectations.

Hi BeeKeeper,
Thanks so much for this.  I did read that book a long while back, and I also found it quite complicated to read.  I'm hoping to get the book he's written called 'No Bad Parts' but so far Amazon haven't been able to get it to me.  I will persevere.  I like Janina Fisher's book about Fragmented Selves more in terms of understanding my parts, but Richard Schwartz's work on parts is something I really want to try out further. 

What you said about waiting for your part, and enabling the communication to open up, I feel sure that is a good way - Owl also suggested that the part knows I can hear her, and that's helpful too. 

I've been more aware in the night of different parts communicating - and I tend to try to bring conscious processing to that experience by remembering what Janina Fisher had suggested in terms of acknowledging that I've been triggered, and being mindful of the experience, and therefore unblending from the part's behaviour/actions and being curious about it, and even trying to communicate, but I have to be careful at night, as I am tired at such times, and should be sleeping. 

It's interesting that when I attempt to talk about this - I feel as if I'm tangled up and can't really communicate what I want to say properly, but yet, when I re-read what I write, it looks ok.  Interesting.

Thanks for the hug BeeKeeper and here's one for you 

Hi SanMagic  Thank you so much for the love and hugs, and for popping by - here's some hugs back for you 

***********
18th August 2021

I've been reading more of the book about 'Nurturing Attachments' by Kim S. Golding, and it's proving to be just what I need at the moment, in terms of some quality time for my younger parts - and whilst I read it, they are aware and attending to the fact that I'm attempting to read things that relate to experiences they've had, and getting support from the person who wrote the book, about how to parent them, and how to meet their needs.  I'm not sure how much I'll be able to do this, but I've related to so many of the examples written in the book, and it's addressed quite a bit about 'shame' which I've been interested in.  I'm going to continue through the book, and then maybe put a few key things in my journal to remind me of things that were helpful, as I know I will need to return the book to the library at some point soon. 

Hope 

[CactusFlower]

Hi Hope-
Just FYI, No Bad Parts is available on the google play store as an ebook for around $10 or so. That's how I got it and I just read it in my browser. I prefer hard copy books, but I had enough google credit to make it about $2 for myself. I'm only a few chapters in, but it's very useful so far. Hope you like it!

[Hope67]

Hi CactusFlower,
Thank you - I did consider the digital version, but I also prefer hard copy books, so I'm going to hope it will be released sometime soon.  I think it might not be much longer.  I am really glad you're finding it to be very useful so far, and I look forward to catching up, and reading it sometime in the near future. 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hope, your determination, perseverance, and strength are so evident as you continue to push forward with your healing.  you are an inspiration.  love and hugs