Out of the Storm

A New Year, 2021, and I am starting a new Journal.   :)

Hope  :)

 :cheer: Sending you hugs and support as always, Hope. You're doing great!  :grouphug:

6th January 2021

I am relieved that I finally managed to start this new Journal for 2021, as I felt resistance from some of my parts about doing it.  But I've done it, and it feels ok now - so I hope to at least write a few things freely today, whilst I feel able to.

TW - Trigger Warning - mentioning some words denoting some violence

On 3rd January I had a dream where I was involved in a physically violent situation - I think someone was trying to kill me, but the word 'assasinate' was the word I thought of when recounting the dream the next morning.  I felt like I'd slid down some kind of mountain which made me feel crushed, and I knew I was bloodied, battered and weary, BUT I survived it. 

The positive thing about this dream was that I felt as if someone had HELPED me to survive - I wasn't alone, and that feeling was a good one.  I felt like I'd SURVIVED.

End of TW

When I was thinking about that dream, and what meaning it might have had, I did think about the fact that my own birth was difficult - it took a long time and must have been traumatic for both myself and for my M.  But somehow I didn't think it was related to that - even though the thoughts passed through my mind.  I thought it might be more about escaping something terrifying, and coming through it ok. 

On 4th January I had been reading lots of my summaries and time-lines, and whilst doing so, I found that things within them made me 'feel more' things - but I also felt really nauseous and over-whelmed at times, and physically sick for a while afterwards.  But I realised that there were time periods in the time lines which have no memories, and that disconcerted me, but at the same time, I wasn't surprised either. It's been like that for a long time - parts of the puzzle are missing.  Also things that I thought happened at certain points in time, I subsequently realise I was a vastly different age than I anticipated I was. 

I've also begun to look further into my triggers - especially my feelings about endings, and goodbyes, and transitions.  As a child, I was moved around so much, and things were never explained or talked about.  I just had to cope with whatever change or transition happened.  No wonder I have triggers around those things.  It makes sense to me.

One of the schools I attended - I actually got to leave that school at the same time that everyone else left it - so I got to see their leaving rituals, and one of them was to write things in leaving books - but I was shocked that they wrote jokes in there, and nothing meaningful - it made me feel it was insensitive, and uncaring.  I guess I wanted to see some nice things written, about how meaningful a friendship or relationship might have been, even if it was only a fleeting time in the making.

I recognise the stifled way of writing - that sometimes comes to me - and it's apparent now.  It's like I write as if I'm an Edwardian or Victorian instead of in the 21st Century!  Maybe it's not apparent to anyone else, but it's what came to mind to me - in this moment.

Another part of me is annoyed by this, the fact I've commented about it, and mentioned it.  As if to say 'Don't bring attention to that'.  But I'm trying not to erase things or temper what I write.

I think that's all I can write today - but it's good I wrote something, and started this new Journal.

Hope  :)

Marta - thank you so much for your reply - I just saw it - and I am happy to see you.   :cheer:

I really like the hugs and send them also to you.   :hug: :hug:

Hope  :)

Hi Hope, congratulations on your 2021 journal!!  :cheer:

Quote from: Hope67 on January 06, 2021, 02:50:49 PM
When I was thinking about that dream, and what meaning it might have had, I did think about the fact that my own birth was difficult - it took a long time and must have been traumatic for both myself and for my M.  But somehow I didn't think it was related to that - even though the thoughts passed through my mind.  I thought it might be more about escaping something terrifying, and coming through it ok. 

I often have nightmares similar in theme to what you've mentioned. I have always thought mine were about escaping something terrifying (or not being able to escape). I had not considered that perhaps the dream could be related to my birth? I did not realize that birth could impart t. onto a child! Now I have a new topic to research, so I truly thank you for opening my eyes to this.

It sounds like you have put a lot of hard work into recognizing your triggers, that's awesome!! *high-five*

Quote from: Hope67 on January 06, 2021, 02:50:49 PM
I guess I wanted to see some nice things written, about how meaningful a friendship or relationship might have been, even if it was only a fleeting time in the making.

This is actually something I had my childhood friends do! I don't have memories of it earlier than maybe 17 ??? But have a photograph of the messages. Anyways, just wanted to sympathize with wanting to see nice things written from friends. It meant a lot to me. Also thankful that your post brought a sweet memory to my mind.

Quote from: Hope67 on January 06, 2021, 02:50:49 PM
I recognise the stifled way of writing - that sometimes comes to me - and it's apparent now.  It's like I write as if I'm an Edwardian or Victorian instead of in the 21st Century!  Maybe it's not apparent to anyone else, but it's what came to mind to me - in this moment.

Personally, I really like how you write :) I think you are very adept at explaining situations and your feelings in a coherent way. I don't think it's old-fashioned or anything. Just wanted to drop some encouragement, I hope that the part who is annoyed by your writing doesn't get upset.

 :hug: I think is great Hope that you started a new journal.  I think I should do the same.  And try to write at least once a week.  This past year has been so rough I've disappeared several times just trying to make through the days.  I'm glad you have written here and that your parts have allowed it.  I like the way you write.  Kids tend to not write things off substance in the end of year books.  Often times I just got names :Idunno: most kids don't like to write in the first place so they keep it short and sweet.

I hope this year brings us both good steps forward on this journey we are on. I'll be here to give a hug any time. :hug:

Good luck with your new Journal, Hope! It's good you started and that you managed to write so much. I can't say more atm  :hug:  :grouphug:

Hi Mojay,
Thank you for everything you said.  I really appreciate all the things you said, and thank you.   :)

Hi Tee,
It has been good to have started a new journal for 2021.  Thank you for saying what you said.  It makes sense.  Thanks for the hug, and sending one also to you  :hug:

Hi Blueberry,
Thank you - I am struggling with words today, but I am glad to read what you wrote, and thanks for the hug  :hug: - sending one also to you.   :hug:

************
10th January 2021

I know I'm currently coming out of, or maybe still in, some kind of EF.  I think it's because I was taken unawares by someone I talked to today - she wanted me to do two things that I don't feel comfortable doing - well, one of them is ok, but the second things I really don't want to be part of, but I have felt obliged to agree to it, because of pressure on me from other influences.  I am being purposefully vague here about the circumstances, but what I'm left with is the feeling of obligation and dislike that I've been put in this situation.  I feel like I want to say 'No' to it, but I know that it would be too difficult to do that. 

For some reason one of my parts wants me to write about a dream I had last night - so I'll do that now.  I was constantly feeling anxious in a supermarket (in the dream) and trying to purchase several of a reduced price item, and feeling really bad for doing that.  Yet, I kept buying and re-buying it - it seemed to go on through the night, and so in the morning I felt very fatigued and also thought about how pointless it had been, as I literally hadn't been shopping and therefore hadn't purchased the thing I wanted to buy!  The emotions that had come with the dream had been feelings of shame and guilt about wanting to buy several of that product, and how others would think about me, and what they might say.  I did go shopping today, and I did buy one of the item - why aren't I mentioning what it is?  It's a jar of coffee.  It's nothing special.  It's just coffee... 

Whilst I write this, I think of themes that come to mind - they are things like feeling guilty about things that most people wouldn't feel guilty about.  Why do I do that?

I've been watching a TV documentary about an organisation, and the programme is called "The Vow" and it's about people in America who got involved in a cult-like organisation.  I have found it interesting but it's also brought up a few feelings in me.  Anyway, I've surprised myself by what I've written just now, and now I need to go.

Hope  :)

Hope, I can see where feeling pressed to do something that you don't want to do would be triggering.

Hearing that your dream brought some difficult feelings.

 :hug: hugs Hope it's hard to have dreams that make you feel certain ways even when they don't necessarily make sense the feelings might.  I'm sorry that you had a dream that brought up shame and guilt.  It's hard to say no to things sometimes.  I hope that you are able to find peace in doing it or courage enough to say no.  Big hug for now. I've got to go  :hug:

Quote from: Hope67 on January 10, 2021, 07:03:27 PM
I've been watching a TV documentary about an organisation, and the programme is called "The Vow" and it's about people in America who got involved in a cult-like organisation.  I have found it interesting but it's also brought up a few feelings in me.  Anyway, I've surprised myself by what I've written just now, and now I need to go.

Hi Hope - I just wanted to say that The Vow brought up so much stuff in me as well! Maybe, for me, it was the way they were gaslit into thinking a certain way just to get the attention and affection of someone they cared about, and the shame for realizing what it was they were doing afterwards. It was really powerful.

Hi Notalone,

Thank you for validating what I wrote - I appreciated you saying what you did.  I did feel very triggered by the situation where I agreed to do something that I didn't really feel like I wanted to do.  I also recognise that I was probably in an EF in terms of my strong reaction to it, as over time, I've felt like it isn't quite as bad as I felt it was at the time I agreed.  So I am thankful that I'm kind of resolving myself to be able to 'do' the thing I have agreed to do. 

Hi Tee,

Thank you very much for what you said and for the hug too  :hug:  The dream did bring up shame and guilt, those are hard emotions to experience.  Yes, it's hard to say 'no' to things sometimes, and I didn't feel I could say 'no' in that situation - I also hope that the actual event won't be as challenging as I think it will.  I'll certainly find out when I come to doing it.  But at least at the moment, I feel as if I might be able to cope, whereas before I felt lots of very strong things like 'being trapped' - which I think were related to being in an EF - and therefore not being able to see it rationally.

Hi Dollyvee,

Thank you for sharing the fact that watching 'The Vow' brought up so much stuff for you - it helps me to hear that, as it definitely brought up stuff in me too.  I agree with you about the people being gaslit into thinking a certain way.  It was really powerful.  I've not finished watching it yet, I still have about 3 episodes of it still to watch, so I'm going to take it slowly and not over-whelm myself.   But I want to watch it to the conclusion. 

**********
12th January 2021

I feel a lot more 'complete' today - in that I feel as if I'm more in self, or at least that a more confident part of myself is perhaps leading/driving my bus.  I've been able to get more things done today as a result, and that's been good.  I needed to get on with quite a few things, and before I'd been struggling to do much at all.  So I am relieved to have a change today, and be more productive.

Thinking back to the dream I had about the coffee - I have been buying some coffee, but only a jar at a time, when I go shopping!  That way I have managed not to replicate the shame of buying more than 1 jar.  There's no restriction on how many jars I could buy, but it's a good value price, and I am saving money to buy it at that price. 

This has annoyed me how I'm feeling the need to explain that now.  Why can't I just buy 6 jars at a time, and not worry about doing that.  But I just can't - I feel like I will be judged for doing that.

So far I have 2 jars of coffee.  That's not excessive.

For some reason I've not been able to read anything related to complex PTSD - I'd re-started Janina Fisher's book, but not finished it.  I have 2 of Carolyn Spring's books that I bought - but I've not started either of them.  There's a definite resistance from some parts about reading anything at the moment, and that's quite unusual.

I've not been able to use my acrylic pens yet. 

But I have done some dot-to-dots - I can do those, and I feel calmer when I do them.

I nearly acted on a thought that it would be fun to colour in the dot-to-dot pictures after I'd finished them, but so far I've not felt able to act on that thought. 

Realisation: I had one of these yesterday - so I'm writing the title here, to bring it back to mind.  It felt very important yesterday.  What was it about?  It was the fact that there are recurring themes for me where I feel unable to 'talk' - i.e. there's always things I can say to certain people, and taboo areas that I can't mention.  This has happened consistently through my life, and makes me feel like I'm just not allowed to express myself freely.  I'm not allowed to talk about things freely.  It's very frustrating.  But that's how it is, and that's how it feels. 

I don't like it, as I'd like to be more open.

I have to go now.

Hope  :)

Hope, this "This has annoyed me how I'm feeling the need to explain that now.  Why can't I just buy 6 jars at a time, and not worry about doing that.  But I just can't - I feel like I will be judged for doing that." struck me.
I know this feeling of "I just can't" very well. I would just like you to know you're not alone  :hug: :hug:

 :hug: I'm glad you feel like you will be able to cope now.  But if it comes down to it and you can't just say sorry I really can't do this right and make the better choice for you.  But I hope it will all turn out great and you will be able to stretch and grow and have a sense of accomplishment when it is all said and done. :yes:  Big hug of encouragement support and love :hug:

Sending you support and love, Hope  :hug: I've also had books in my mind to read (related to trauma) but haven't gotten the courage (?) or the ok from my parts. There are even chapters in Pete Walker's book that were upsetting and I couldn't even read the first sentence. And about the coffee jars, you're not alone in that feeling, I've had so many times when I'd buy something but feel ashamed at leaving the store with only one thing, or with a strange combination...

Quote from: Hope67 on January 12, 2021, 03:51:11 PM

I nearly acted on a thought that it would be fun to colour in the dot-to-dot pictures after I'd finished them, but so far I've not felt able to act on that thought. 

I hope I'm not oversharing here, but I did want to tell you that your sentence struck me: how many times have I had the thought to grab my paintbrushes and just paint, or color in pictures, but then never been able to act on it.

Hope you have a good week (as best as it can be), sending you my support and warm, safe hug  :hug:

Hi Blueberry,
Thank you for sharing that you understand and relate to the feeling of 'I just can't' - that really felt very supportive to me, and validating.  I felt that.  Thank you.  :hug: :hug:

Hi Tee,
Yes, you're right, I do have options and I'll try to do the thing, even though I don't want to, and I'll see how it goes, and maybe I'll be able to stretch and grow through it.  It's not for another couple of weeks, so I have time leading up to it.  Thank you so much for the big hug of encouragement, support and love - sending one also to you  :hug:

Hi Marta,
Thank you so much for sending support and love, and here's a hug also for you  :hug:  I appreciate what you said about the difficulty in reading certain things, and also about the coffee jars.    It also was very helpful to hear what you said about not being able to act on your wish to use your paintbrushes to paint or colour in pictures, and I also feel like that. 

*********
15th January 2021

I felt as if an older more competent part of me was in charge/blended with me for a while in the past couple of days.  That part helped me to consider some self-care kind of things that I needed to do, and I feel better for having done some of those things.  I've also been trying to de-clutter and tidy up, and have made some progress on that. 

I'm trying to motivate myself to begin something - but realising that something holds me back from starting that thing. 

Hope  :)

Sending you my support and love, Hope  :hug: It's nice that you were able to do some self care, and tidy up things :)
Sounds like you have accomplished a lot  :hug: Here's some love and care for the end of the week :bighug:

hey, hope,

i'm really glad for you that you were able to get some of those things done that you wanted to do, and i know the rest will get done when you're ready.  you have time, just the right amount of time that you need.  love and hugs, my dear :hug:

Hi Marta,
Thank you so much  :hug:

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you - I appreciate your love and hugs very much  :hug:

**********
16th January 2021

I spent more time allowing my feelings and thoughts to be rather than distracting or doing something else yesterday, and I also resisted the urge to emotionally eat as well.  Hence I was sitting with my feelings more, and I've noticed that when I do my dot-to-dots that I can process thoughts and feelings in a different way - I wonder if it's similar to when people move their eyes doing eye movement desensitization - not exactly the same thing, but just the movement between dots, and joining them up is involving some other brain activity that might be similar in some way.  Anyway, I find it calms me when I do the dot-to-dots.

Interesting that today I feel like there's another part of myself who is blended with me - although not right at this moment, whilst I'm writing this - I'm just reflecting on how it's felt this morning.  It's been like I've got quite a critical impatient part who is annoyed by things, and I'm trying to accommodate and allow that part to stay with me, and not dismiss them or fight them, because I know they mean well.  I'm trying to get to know that part a bit - just in terms of sitting alongside that part, whilst it's blended with me. 

I wonder if that part came and blended with me because I was sitting with my emotions more yesterday and therefore the critical part is needing to be here today, because she thinks that I've come too close to my emotions.

Some of the emotions I felt yesterday were (I'm not good at describing or verbalising them, so might use the wrong words) but they included grief, some anger and some desolation - some regrets, and I felt some shame.

So I felt quite a lot of emotions.  It was ok though, I was able to sit with them, and I felt more curious about things than I would have done in the past, I see it as being something healing, to do this.

I hope that Dollyvee won't mind the fact I was reading some of her journal, and I made a note that said being 'cautious about unleashing something I can't control' - I really related to that, as I've often felt as if sitting with my emotions and thoughts/feelings might end up in my unleashing something that I can't control.  But I feel slightly less sure of that now, and think it might be ok.

Dollyvee also mentioned something that Richard Schwartz had said which was 'when things are released/accessed without going through the proper channels' then things can come out (e.g. medical issues or symptoms) - this made me think of an occasion in the past when I went to see a woman who did some EFT tapping with me, and tried to communicate to my inner conscious - contacting my subconscious and a couple of days later I literally erupted in a very big rash all over my body - and that made me think that was directly to do with the intervention of her 'treatment'.

I have recently read a short book called 'The Simple Guide to Complex Trauma and Dissociation: What it is and how to help" by Betsy de Thierry - it was written really simply and well, and because she was talking about how to help children and young adults, somehow it felt easier for me to comprehend it, and I was thinking about how I could help the different inner parts and younger selves - whilst I was reading the book, it really did feel hopeful.  So I was glad to have read that book, and I hope to re-read it again sometime soon.  I feel sure I'll get more out of it if I read it again.

Hope  :)

Hope, you've written so much here but I just have the wherewithal to comment on one thing, your dot-to-dots. It's a really neat idea of it being like emdr. I have no idea if it really is scientifically, but it does work for you! I'm thinking of when I used to play Patience over and over again. I used to process things while doing it, not on purpose. It just happened. Yay for you that you discover what you need.  :hug: :hug: :)

Hi Hope - I'm glad you've found my journal helpful to your parts. You're welcome to read it anytime  :hug:

That's very interesting about the dot-to-dots. I do sudoku and find it relaxes me on public transport when I have to be around other people. I feel like it focuses my attention and helps calm myself. Like Blueberry mentioned about processing stuff, for me it's a good indicator too if I have "clear thinking," if something emotional is interfering in my thought process and throwing me off then I can begin to look at what it is.

Thank you for mentioning the trauma and dissociation book, I will look for it.

It sounds like you're making progress being able to sit with your parts and listen to them  :hug:

Hi Blueberry,

Yes, the dot-to-dots are so helpful and calming to me.  I remember you playing Patience - and thank you for commenting on that, as it is likely a similar process - whatever it is, and if it's helpful, that's so great.   :hug:

Hi Dollyvee,

Thank you so much, I did find your journal helpful and related to some parts of it.   :hug:

Thanks for mentioning about your sudoku and how you use it when being around other people.  It's good that it is calming, and it does seem like a similar thing to my dot-to-dots and Blueberry's Patience.

**********
17th January 2021

I'm going to copy something I've just hand-written in a book, because I'm not sure if I'll keep the notebook or not, and I want to include what I wrote here in my Journal:

"I feel really flat in mood this morning.  Some thoughts of 'what's the point' are present.  Decided to use this note-book to just express some things.  Reading Cathy Glass's book "A Terrible Secret" yesterday and noticing how the fourteen and a half year old chose to be in care rather than live with her mother and step-father - who demonstrated 'coercive control' - she took the very assertive step to ask for help and they listened to her.

Whereas I seemed 'blind' or 'unaware' of so many things that I was living with, that weren't right.  But I didn't know any different, I was a very young child and and even when older, I just felt like I had to cope with and handle everything.

I've just re-read those two paragraphs and I feel the emotion being held in my throat area.  I also feel slightly nauseous as I consider and reflect on that. 

Somehow writing this by hand, it feels like a positive thing to be doing.

"Just be kind to yourself" comes to my mind.  I have a right to live on this earth and be happy in my life.  Just because I grew up in a toxic environment, doesn't mean I have to re-live that legacy.  I can consider and process my feelings and thoughts about it, as and when they surface and I can choose how to live in the present.  I am safe now."

(I'm hoping to keep the notebook going - but I don't know whether I will or not.  I sometimes have thoughts that I should tear things up and hide them, and I have acted on that sometimes).

I was blended with a part that wanted to tear up some things the other day, but thankfully something else stepped in and stopped that happening, and I'm glad, as I would have been upset to have lost the things that would have been destroyed by that action.

I feel a bit better now, so I'm glad that I did that - I felt so flat and some negative thoughts were coming into my consciousness, and I'm glad I wrote things down.

Hope  :)

hey, hope,

interesting about making that connection about your dot to dots and the eye movements.  i believe you may be right.  my t mentioned something similar to me about the video games i play - the back and forth as well as the repetition - i find both of those soothing as well.  i think you may have stumbled onto something deeper than you might have first thought.  well done! :thumbup:

QuoteWhereas I seemed 'blind' or 'unaware' of so many things that I was living with, that weren't right.  But I didn't know any different, I was a very young child and and even when older, I just felt like I had to cope with and handle everything.

i totally related to this - the idea of being unaware caused me to live so much of my life in a state of confusion.  i know that's a lot of the reason i made some of the choices i made, and why i felt float-y and ungrounded for so long.   but i completely agree with you that no matter what, we deserve to be here and to have good lives.  love and hugs, hope :hug: :hug:

Quote from: Hope67 on January 16, 2021, 01:53:14 PM
It's been like I've got quite a critical impatient part who is annoyed by things, and I'm trying to accommodate and allow that part to stay with me, and not dismiss them or fight them, because I know they mean well.  I'm trying to get to know that part a bit - just in terms of sitting alongside that part, whilst it's blended with me. 

I wonder if that part came and blended with me because I was sitting with my emotions more yesterday and therefore the critical part is needing to be here today, because she thinks that I've come too close to my emotions.

Hope, thank you so much for sharing this with us. A lot of what you've written really resonated with me, especially the part that I quoted above. I am trying to understand myself as parts according to the IFS theory and have been noticing a critical part of me as well. I like what you have written about sitting alongside that part and that they mean well. It feels very important to me to remind myself that the parts mean well. You write with such wisdom about the parts of yourself  :applause:

Really great job of sitting with your emotions and feeling curious, I agree with you that it is a healing step!!

Quote from: Hope67 on January 17, 2021, 09:55:44 AM
Whereas I seemed 'blind' or 'unaware' of so many things that I was living with, that weren't right.  But I didn't know any different, I was a very young child and and even when older, I just felt like I had to cope with and handle everything.

"Just be kind to yourself" comes to my mind.  I have a right to live on this earth and be happy in my life.  Just because I grew up in a toxic environment, doesn't mean I have to re-live that legacy.  I can consider and process my feelings and thoughts about it, as and when they surface and I can choose how to live in the present.  I am safe now."

I really like these affirmations! I agree with you and Sanmagic that we deserve to be here and deserve to have good lives. Feeling very safe/seen and more positive after reading your journal, thank you for writing  :grouphug:

Hi SanMagic,

Thanks for what you said about the dot-to-dots, and also about the video games you play - yes, the back and forth and repetition, definitely something I find soothing too. 

I agree with you that we deserve to be here and live good lives.  Thank you so much for the love and hugs, I appreciate them and hug you back  :hug: :hug:

Hi Mojay,

I'm glad that some of what I wrote resonated with you, and thank you for sharing that it did, as I felt humbled that you thought that I wrote with wisdom.  I often feel as if I really don't know what I'm doing, and to hear someone say they thought I was wise, it is nice.

Yes, I think we do deserve to be here and live good lives, and I am so glad to hear you felt some sense of safety and positivity - I enjoy that feeling when I can find it, and I do get moments when I can feel it.  I am so grateful for those, and they give me hope to look for more, and to feel more.

Thanks for all you  wrote, and I'd like to extend a hug, if that's ok  :hug:

**********
20th January 2021

I have felt quite 'raw' today - in that I have been feeling triggered by a lot of things, through different points in the day.  I've been dealing with some busy moments, and there were times in the morning when I felt like crying, but I also contained those feelings, as circumstances weren't right for me to express that at the time.

I remember hearing a man talking on the morning news about how a nurse had cried about her experiences with Covid - and it was very emotional and he spoke about how she hadn't been able to talk to anyone about her feelings about death and all the things she was dealing with, and therefore when someone had asked her for the news presentation she had expressed the emotion.

I realise it's a completely different situation, but I related so much to what the man had said, and it made sense of the fact that I had never been able to talk about things that happened in my childhood, to anyone, as there was no one who had been safe enough or willing to hear or see my experiences.  So on the few occasions when I've started to voice my feelings out loud, then a lot of emotion has come out too. 

TW - Mentioning accidental cutting of myself
I was upset yesterday as I did some self-care and used a new razor for removing some body hair, and because of my inability to feel physical things properly, and also because the razor was a bit severe, I ended up unexpectedly cutting myself.  I was however very shocked by that, because it was like I felt depersonalised from myself, and worried that I could have hurt myself unintentionally.  Then I was very upset, and my emotion came out in tears.  I was with my partner at the time, and I spoke to him about feeling upset, and instead of pushing the emotion down, like I might have done in the past, I allowed it to 'be' and his response was kind and containing, and so it was ok.  I felt better later.

Today I've been feeling more things. 

Right at this moment, I feel more present in myself, as if my Self is here, which feels safer and more containing.

There was a conference which has Richard Swartz speaking at it - about compassion and mindfulness - and I put the link in the conferences section - but a link is here too:
https://www.compassionintherapy.com/
It's due to start on 30th January, which should be good.


Hope  :)

hope, as difficult as it may be to start feeling more emotions (i completely relate to that), i do think it's a good sign, a sign of healing, of making new neural connections, and of becoming more human.  this area has bothered me for so much of my life, and i, too, am getting to a point where i'm able to not only feel more emotions, i'm also having an easier time of being able to verbalize what they are.  not always, but more than before.  in my case, i think there was a neural disconnect in my brain from very young, so i walked thru a lot of my life confused, feeling a disturbance that i wasn't able to name, and it led to my own sense of depersonalization.

cutting yourself accidently, in this case, it sounds like it was purely an accident.  so very happy for you that you have a caring, accepting partner thru all this.  i don't doubt that dynamic has allowed you to break thru some of the roadblocks you've encountered on your way to continual healing.  all in all, well done! :thumbup:  love and hugs always, my dear :hug:

Sounds like you're making good progress Hope :hug:

Even though feeling more may be difficult, it does seem positive to me that you are more in touch with what you are feeling at times.

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on feeling and verbalizing emotions, it's helpful to hear that.  Making new neural connections, that sounds good.  Becoming more human, I like that too.

I also think you're right about what you said about my partner.  I feel sure that without that dynamic I wouldn't have been able to negotiate some of the roadblocks.   

Sending you love and hugs too  :hug:

Hi Dollyvee,

Thank you so much, I appreciate you saying that, and thank you for the hug - sending one also to you  :hug:

Hi Notalone,

Thank you  for validating that, I feel it's a positive thing that I'm feeling more at times.   :hug:

***********
28th January 2021

I've felt as if I've not been able to pause much to reflect on things in the past few days, it's felt like the days have gone by in a blur.  There are reasons for that, as I've been changing some of my routines, and doing some things I wouldn't normally do, and that's taken a bit of adjustment.  I've had quite a few flashbacks from different parts of me - different times that were previously forgotten/blocked out - but they're surfacing now.  I do want to write about some of those things, but I need to feel that my parts will allow me to do so, as I feel quite overwhelmed when I try to think of how to express some things.  So I'm just standing back for a bit, till that time feels right to try to express things.

Maybe I'll do it in 'letters to' or some other way - but I do want to write those things here in the forum, as that's my 'safe space' rather than writing it in books or files at home. 

Hope  :)

Wanted to write myself a couple of notes, that I hope to follow-up on:

* I wanted to find the thread where Oceanstar asked me how I'm getting on with befriending my parts, so I could reply

* I wanted to find the thread where I had written something and then Woodsgnome and Rainydiary had made some replies there, and I wanted to read those and also reply

I find that parts tend to stop me from sometimes negotiating my way around the forum, or prevent me finding things.  I don't know if it's a conscious thing, on behalf of the parts, or whether it's just that my brain goes off-line a bit, and I can't process or work things out.  But I know it happens.

I'm not sure if I'll find those threads, but I want to write that I hope to do those things.

Hope  :)

I found the thread about 'coercive control' - I'll try to find the other thread another time, but pleased I found one of them. 

Hope  :)

 :hug: it's ok I'm sure that know you appreciate them. :hug:

Hi Tee, Thank you so much for the hug, and sending one back to you too  :hug:

**********
3rd February 2021

This morning I watched a talk by Richard Schwartz which was part of a summit about Compassion, and his talk is called "Working with Shame and the Inner Critic" - it's 46 minutes long, and this is the link:
https://www.compassionintherapy.com/stream/richard-schwartz/

I've written some notes, and I wanted to keep them here in my journal -

Notes:

All multiple personalities 'parts' - inner personalities.  Born with parts.  They're all valuable.  Trauma takes them into roles they are not equipped for and trapped in trauma time.

They carry 'burdens'.  When traumatised - attachment injury and traumas - beliefs develop.  Burdens and emotions stick to parts.

Frozen in time.  Carrying burdens.  Extreme roles.

Inner children - innocent, loving, creative.

But wounded child - terror and shame and emotional pain.

Left all that.  But locked them up.

Exiles - locked up and inside of us.

Need other parts who will protect.  Stop exiles being triggered.

Manager protectors. Keep people from getting close.  Accolades to protect.  Inner critics: over-promoted parentified inner children.  Yell at you.  Desperate.

Not any good - stay safe.

Many generational roles.  World triggers.

Other parts deal with emergency.  Fire-fighters.

Roles - not the actual parts.

Once fired up - resume naturally valuable states.

Goal: liberate the parts.  Convince the parts to open space.

SELF has space to be - ask parts to step-back:
Compassion; Curiosity; Confidence; Calm; Clarity; Creativity; Courage and feel Connected to it.
Characteristics of SELF.

Self is present in everybody and knows how to heal.

Shame - difficult emotion to work with.

Shame - says you're bad.  Believes you're bad.  Exile - in background.  Fire-fighter - getting away from shame.  Polarisation between fire-fighter and critic.

IFS (Internal Family Systems)
Start with the critic.  Find it in your body.  How do you feel towards it?  "I don't like it"  Ask that part to allow us to get to know it.  Seeing compassion for it

(Whilst I was watching this part, I found that a part of me was very upset indeed)

Hard to be locked up in a dungeon for years.  Help to get it out.

(I felt my throat constrict a lot at this point, felt hugely emotional)

Addictions.
Hard to access shame.  Most therapists collude with the managers.

Ask the critic what would happen if it stopped calling you names?
Can't stand you making mistakes.
If didn't take substances, do you still need to call her names?
Talk to drinking part.
Focus on addicted part.
Negative feelings towards it.
What would happen if didn't do that?

Focuses on exile.
Where stuck in the past.
Compassionate witness.
Go into that scene and act on her behalf.
Take her to a safe place.
Unload burdens.
She will transform and be happy girl.

Bring in other parts to witness that they don't need to do these roles anymore.

Part won't explode if you make a mistake.

Shame - new client.
When do you feel shame, what's it like?
Want to hide.
A part wants to hide.
What else happens?
Feel it in my body.
Want to protect something inside.
Want to shelter myself.

OK - one part hides, one part protects body.
Anything else?
Lose clarity, things get fuzzy.

OK - another part fuzzes your brain.
Another part is angry.

OK, another part defends you.  It says it inside.
Sometimes you let it speak to the person.
Anything else?
Inner landscape - young parts shamed by older sibling (brother)
OK - 5 or 6 parts

I can help you.
Of 5 or so, is there a place you'd like to start?

Young wounded part.
OK, but talk to reluctant parts first.

Fear?  No, the coast is clear.

If parts get scared, we can stop and talk to them

(again, I felt very upset at this point)

So afraid of being judged or afraid of exposing what's negative in there

(I related so much to him saying this)

Check with protectors before accessing exile.
Where do you find it in your body?
Usually easy to locate it.
Focus there.
Keep out of head.
Stops thinking parts getting in the way.

Noticing where in the body.  How they change.

People become more SELF-lead instead of being driven by other parts.
Allowing SELF to run your life.

Self-compassion.
Relate differently (more compassionately) to self and others.
More open-hearted.
More flexible.

Goals of IFS:
1. Liberation of parts
2. Restoring the trust of the parts in SELF as a leader.
3. Bring harmony to parts.
4. Lead life from SELF.

If notice lack of compassion as a therapist for a client - then ask that protective part to step-back to enable compassion to be felt.
Radical and liberating for therapists.

Connect client with SELF.

Training ley people is easier.

Sit with an open heart.
Be mindfully present.
Powerful.
Clients feel 'held'

Noticing parts
Loving vibrating energy

Mark Epstein said ideally "therapy is a two-person meditation"

Futility to battle their critics.  Not internalisations.  They are MORE.  Personhood of the critics.  Over-promoted inner children. They'd love to have a rest.  Exhausted. Vacation needed.

Big Vision:
Radical difference of this paradigm.
If widely accepted, could transform daily interactions.

Mission - to communicate it in public discourse. 
Optimistic model.

Psychotherapy training takes you away from natural understanding.

MDMA - relaxes protectors and enter open-hearted state of belief.

Spontaneously do IFS.
Locked up this rage.
Going to let him out.

If access enough self, we naturally have wisdom to heal externally and internally.

End of my notes. 
**********

I really enjoyed the above talk, it was really good.  I feel more optimistic having seen it. 

Hope  :)

Hope, you teach me so much.  Thank you  :hug:

Hope, thank you so much for this summary. Although I resisted the IFS approach at first, due to the word 'family' in any connotation. This tension is receding a little, partly due to reading the various descriptions I've found here on OOTS.

For a long while, I've felt better attuned to Self ('higher') than self ('lower') when it comes to regarding who the real 'me' is. So I sense accessing it better as a wise route to follow, while also being careful to avoid bypassing all the messy work of shining a safer light on the self-dominated parts.

Thanks again for  shining your light on the path via the valuable notes you've so generously shared.  :hug:

Quote from: Hope67 on February 03, 2021, 02:47:49 PM
Want to protect something inside.
Want to shelter myself.

OK - one part hides, one part protects body.
Anything else?
Lose clarity, things get fuzzy.


So afraid of being judged or afraid of exposing what's negative in there

These are interesting thoughts about the inner critic and how it influences our feelings, especially around shame. Thanks for sharing Hope.

Hi Bach,  I learn so much from being in this forum, and reading what you and others say - so thank you too, and thanks for saying that.  I just wrote the notes of what Richard Schwartz had said, it helped me a lot.   :hug:

Hi Woodsgnome, I'm glad you found the summary helpful.  IFS is an interesting approach.  I am dabbling in it.  (For some reason a vision of a pond comes to mind near a babbling brook - which is interesting, but the temperature of the water is quite good).  I really like your analogy of 'shining a safer light on the self-domintated parts'.     :hug:

Hi Dollyvee, I found it helpful to write out the notes, and keep them somewhere safe, and I'm glad you found them interesting to read  :hug:

************
11th February 2021
I have quite a few things I'd like to write, so I hope to pop back later, when I might have a bit more time, and do so. 

Hope  :)

11th February 2021

I've been wanting to reply to Oceanstar who kindly asked me how I'm getting on with 'Befriending my Parts' - I can't find where Oceanstar asked me that, but I will put my update here in my journal, which is a good place to put it, I think.

It's a work in progress, as many of my parts have been neglected for a signifcant amount of time.  I think I was going along on auto-pilot, and living my life without realising the things I was carrying, and the things that I had missed through being in often constant states of dissociation and therefore much of my experience had a strange blinkered feel to it.  Also, I was naive in  many ways, in that I thought that my FOO were looking after me, and looking out for me, and considering my needs and wants, but I realise I had a mask or filter infront of my eyes, which meant I couldn't see the reality of situations I was in.

I desperately wanted to be living a life that was one of a child who was wanted and loved.  So I very much picked situations that mirrored that, and ignored things that didn't. 

I've come to realise that my FOO lied to me constantly – and lived a 'lie' that they fought hard to protect – to propogate it, and so it grew.  But things and indeed people who ever spoke against it, they literally threw away, and in the end I realised that to break free, I would need to break the tie as well.

So, once free of the physical link of seeing and interacting with them, I found I still had the guilt, the shame, and many other negative feelings associated with living the life I had been part of. 

Beginning to listen to my body, listen to the inner thoughts and finding out that there were various communications from inner parts – it was scary at first, but gradually I've been able to sit with some of those and hear them, and indeed, sometimes I tentatively interact with them.

I feel like I've been going at a snail's pace, but that's ok, because if I rush it or try to do too much, then I find that I suffer for that.  It has needed to be at a pace I can handle, and I think I'm doing ok at the moment. 

Whereas previously I would be ruminating almost constantly about my FOO, now I find I think of them less often.  They still enter my thoughts at least once a day though.  I'd rather they didn't.  But it's the uncertainty of everything that makes it hard to put a lid on anything. 

I've been reading a book by Lisa M. Najavits which is called 'Finding your Best Self: Recovery from Addiction, Trauma, or Both' and it has been really helpful to me.  I'm half-way through that book, and I've been reading a chapter or two per day.  I find it is really helpful. 

I've been having more dreams which have quite active themes in them – one of them I was in my parent's home, and I was considering an 'escape' - and wondering if I could actually get away safely or not.  My partner was in the dream, and he was encouraging me to leave with him, so he was helping me to escape.  I think that is literally what he did in real life, as I probably wouldn't have managed to make the escape from contact with them, if he hadn't been in my life. 

It's good to have written this today.

Hope  :)

14th February 2021
Yesterday my day started brighter, partly because I had been celebrating Valentine's Day a day early with my partner, so we'd given each other cards in the morning, and it was nice to do that.

But also I had felt very happy when I'd read in Notalone's journal that her Hope had accepted a hug from my Hope, and I had shared that with my LIttle Hope, and she had been very happy about that.  So the day was a nice one.

I wanted to say this in Notalone's journal, but somehow I found it hard to do that, so I'm saying it here, in mine.  I might go over and say something in her diary - if I can do so.  I want to, but I feel a bit embarrassed about it.  Not sure why.

Anyway, having celebrated Valentine's day a day early, somehow today feels like it isn't Valentine's day - just a normal day.  That's ok too.  It's very cold weather.  Feel like hibernating.  But I read something in Bach's journal which made me smile, and I think I'll try to extend the Valentine's feeling through today by doing something nice for my partner at some point in the day. 

I've been watching the episodes of a docu-series on Trauma that are currently free to watch for 24 hours, but it's meaning I need to watch them regularly.  I've watched 2 so far.  The second episode really upset me when I listened to a woman who had had eating disorders as a result of her childhood trauma - it was when they were talking about the messages we hear as children, and how powerful they are - it really got through to a part of me, that felt distraught about that.  But I was glad I watched through the entire episode, and I hope to watch the third one today.

Wanted to write a bit more, but don't feel like I can at the moment, so I'll stop for now.

Hope  :)

Hi Hope,

Just wanted to say how clear your previous journal entry was. I relate a lot to how important it is to be seen and heard as kids, and how confusing it is for us to hear we are loved and then have their actions be the opposite of that where we are not seen (and loved for who we are). Such a big aha moment  :grouphug:

Thanks dollyvee   :hug:

Quote from: Hope67 on February 14, 2021, 08:53:54 AM
But also I had felt very happy when I'd read in Notalone's journal that her Hope had accepted a hug from my Hope, and I had shared that with my LIttle Hope, and she had been very happy about that.  So the day was a nice one.

I wanted to say this in Notalone's journal, but somehow I found it hard to do that, so I'm saying it here, in mine.  I might go over and say something in her diary - if I can do so.  I want to, but I feel a bit embarrassed about it.  Not sure why.

This made my heart smile.  :grouphug:

 :hug: to you Notalone. 

*******
18th February 2021
I'm having a more difficult time at the moment, and I hope to write about it sometime soon, but just wanted to put that today. 
Hope  :)

 :hug: :hug: :grouphug:

Thank you for writing notes on the Richard Schwartz talk, Hope. I'm currently working with some parts who have been carrying shame, and I found your notes really helpful.

I'm sorry you're having a more difficult time. Would a supportive hug help? :hug:

Thank  you Blueberry and Snowdrop  :hug: :hug:

24th February 2021
I've still been coming here to read things, but in terms of writing anything myself, I'm unable to do so - not properly - as I have too many conflicting thoughts, feelings and emotions. 

I have heard the news that my FOO (F) has died.  The way I heard that news isn't straight forward.  But I know it is true.  Because I have various fragmented parts of myself, I feel that each one of them is responding to that in different ways, hence there is a rough path ahead of me.  BUT I am ok. 

Anyway, I'm glad at least to have written that.

Hope  :)

I can imagine that different parts are having different reactions. I hope you can be gentle with yourself. Sending you big hugs of love and support.
:bighug:

Sending support to you Hope  :bighug:

:hug: :bighug: :grouphug:

Thinking of you, Hope.

I would imagine that would bring up many different feelings. Whatever each part is feeling is okay.  :grouphug:

Snowdrop, Blueberry and Notalone, 
Thank you all for your supportive hugs and I really appreciated what you said. 

Sending you all hugs too  :hug:

***********
27th February 2021
I've been attending the EFT tapping summit, and doing some tapping - which has been helpful.  I've done this years back, just briefly, and at that time I opened up too much, and caused a massive rash all over my body, but this time, it's been ok.  I am glad that it has been going on this week, as it's been good timing for me.

I am heeding Snowdrop's suggestion to be 'gentle' with myself - and with all my parts at the moment.

I've noticed the emergence of a couple of parts that I wasn't as used to being around, but that's ok too.

I watched Janina Fisher's sessions and found them really good.  She has provided really clear pdf handouts with her slides, so they will be a useful reminder of those sessions. 

Hope  :)

Thank you for my birthday hug :)
Here's a hug because hugs are good :hug:

Thanks so much Bach  :hug:  I agree that hugs are good.  Thank you.
Hope  :)

2nd March 2021
I had a really bad night terror last night.  I understand why, but I really felt bad for my partner - who I knew was also affected significantly by how I was last night.  I literally screamed really loudly and he did his best to calm me down, but it was still horrible.  I have some memory of what happened, and really believed I was going to die, and that he was also going to die.  Terror. 

I feel bad that night terrors are back for me again.  I had had some nice respite from them for a while.

I've wanted to share things in here, but because my parts have different feelings and thoughts about what's happened, and I want to try to manage those things and keep some sense of calm and coping going, it's been a bit challenging.

But, I am coping relatively well - and reading things here have helped me a lot.  Just knowing this place is here, and I feel supported here, it helps a lot.

I've been trying out some EFT tapping - I found one yesterday to be really upsetting - it was entitled 'Motivate me to have a productive day' - it really upset parts of me, when mentioning perfectionism - it was a trigger to some painful emotions and they surfaced.  I was in tears.  Crying.

But I know I have emotions around a lot at the moment, so it could have been a grief reaction.  I don't know.

Anyway, I like the EFT tapping, and I have found some of the sessions to be ok - I think it was helpful to read what Bach had written about experiences with tapping and having words that are meaningful to yourself, rather than necessarily using someone else's words.  I am going to think about that more.  One of the women doing the EFT sessions has a lovely calming voice, and I like that.  It's comforting to hear her.

Hope  :)

I've been thinking of you, Hope, and wondering how you are. I think night terrors are completely understandable in the circumstances. I can imagine lots of things are being stirred up.

I like tapping a lot as well.

Sending you oodles of love and support, Hope. :hug:

That's really hard  :hug: When you have a bad sleep, carries on to the next day as well.

I tried tapping but found it to be a little like EMDR...that it might trigger things that parts/my system isn't ready for. Good that you have a relaxing one.

I'm sorry you're having night terrors again, Hope. Here's a gentle  :hug: and lots of support for a difficult time.

Some of the things you wrote about tapping helped me too. Like you've had over-the-top physical reactions. I haven't quite like that, but my body especially my arms sometimes get so tired and heavy-feeling i can't continue. So the fact that you have had unwished for side effects too help me to accept that what I have done recently is enough for me. I'm glad you feel comforted by the voice of one presenter  :)

I hope you sleep better tonight.  :zzz:

Hi Snowdrop,
Thank you so much for what you said, it is very much appreciated by me, and by my parts.   :hug:

Hi Dollyvee,
Thank you for your hug  :hug: and also what you said about my bad sleep - I just saw in your journal that you've been experiencing some difficult/challenging dreams at the moment - let's hope we can both have nicer more peaceful nights of sleep.  Fingers crossed.    Sending you a hug as well, and thanks for yours  :hug:

Hi Blueberry,
Thanks - I slept better last night as a whole.  My nights have been full of lots of dreams and vivid content, but last night I don't remember dreaming anything.    Thanks for sharing what you thought of the tapping.  I found what you wrote and also Bach's comments about tapping in her journal to be very helpful to me, and gave me the courage to try tapping in the summit.  I've not done any for a couple of days though, thought I'd have a break from it. Thanks for the gentle hug of support, and sending one also to you  :hug:

*******
3rd March 2021
I feel calmer at this moment in time, and that's a nice feeling.  I'll just hold onto that feeling for the evening and hope that it is there when I wake up tomorrow as well. 

I've been reflecting on something I read in an entry that Woodsgnome made, about wondering whether people continue to harass and want contact - I've had that happening myself in the past couple of weeks, and I've managed to keep my boundaries.  But it's been very hard to do that.  I recognise a conflict and disparity of views from different parts of myself about the situation, but the over-riding concern of my 'keeping on with normal life' part is that I need to preserve my own safety and my own boundaries - and I've seen other members (like Woodsgnome and Blueberry) doing this in their lives - asserting some boundaries, and I am keen to do that myself as well.  It gives me courage and strength to do it, as I know it's something that's important.

I'm skirting around the fact that I feel as if I'm being stalked a bit at the moment by a FOO member who is wanting me to get in contact, and I don't want to talk specifically about the circumstances of it, because somehow if I say the relationship out loud, or in words here, it makes it more 'real' - it is real, the feeling is there, and I haven't felt able to talk about it. 

I know what I'm talking about, and I feel like I'm writing in riddles now, but I shall just continue to write - as it's good that I'm managing to write something - and it seems like a stream of words are spurting out now.

I was feeling calm, but now as I write I feel whooshes of strong emotion - pressure in my throat - feel like I need to put a trigger warning now:

TW Trigger warning, incase I write something that is triggering to anyone:

I've been having more flashbacks and EFs in the past couple of weeks.  I felt soooo guilty after I'd written something in response to someone else in the forum, which was about how I wondered whether I'd feel better or different when someone died, and then the very next day I found out that they had died.  But I didn't wish it on them, and I guess I knew it would happen.  It was understandable that it would happen, and it did.

I've got so many mixed emotions about it.  But there is also relief there too, as some parts are relieved.  They feel better. 

I have been getting more flashbacks of things that happened in my childhood too - but it's fragmented, and typically doesn't have a continuity of narrative - so it's difficult to know when things happened, but I've had body memories that are hard to cope with, or hard to accept could have been reality.

There's also a part of me that minimises these things, and doesn't want to look at them.

My partner is concerned about me - from the point of view that he thinks I am always focused on trauma and reading about it, and I think he wonders when I will be 'over it' - but I know I won't be 'over it' - but what I do think is possible is to manage things, and build a greater understanding of fragments of my mind, and I am trying to calm my nervous system and try different things to help me to cope.

My partner is incredibly understanding, and loving, and I am concerned for him, that he worries for me.  I explained to him that I'm facing things that would be challenging for any person, without a background of trauma - i.e. the death of someone, estrangement, complex relationships with those people, and trying to cope with all that comes from that, but with unresolved childhood issues - it's hard.

My mind has gone blank now.  I feel a bit spacey, so I'll stop writing now.
Hope  :)

4th March 2021
I had a better night's sleep last night, so that's a good start - and this morning I feel ok.  I've had quite a few communications from different parts of myself, and I'm attempting to listen to them, but at the same time, get on with the things I need to do. 
Hope  :)

Hi Hope,

Thank you for that and  it's great you're finding some relief.

It's just my experience but I always carried (and still do to an extent) immense guilt about my family and my actions towards them. That I was somehow wrong and causing them pain (all of which they taught me while not caring about me as a person). Tbh I felt it was much easier to manage that after my mother died. It was like this part of me that always wanted a "real" mother/daughter relationship with her could now move on. I think it was much easier because I'd spent a lot of time realizing when she was alive that we were never going to have that relationship. It's not something I would ever want to happen. Yeah I did think about it and how maybe it would be easier if I did have an inheritance since she always had the means to help when I needed it but never did (the great irony is she died without a will and I am suckerpunched with nothing now but I've made my own way) but I think it was only as a last resort and not something I would've traded for a "real" relationship.

While I was walking the other day, it came to me that that was just my mom's time on earth. It wasn't the mom I needed as a person and none of what she did was ok, but that was just her time to do whatever it was. I'm waffling on and your circumstances may be entirely different but I just wanted to share as I know none of this is easy with family.

Hope you are finding some comfort with everything. You are allowed your boundaries  :grouphug:

Hi Dollyvee,
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences regarding your feelings about your mother, and her death.  I relate to things you said there very much.  Carrying guilt around, I definitely tend to do that.  Feeling as if I was responsible for things that happened etc. 

I am so glad you shared what you said, and thank you.  Also for saying that I'm allowed my boundaries, as I do need that validation.  My partner did the same thing today, and said I can make my own choices about things, and that's a very freeing way to think about things, as things can get bound up in 'oughts' and 'shoulds' and what people think are demands of society.

:grouphug:

Hope  :)

Thanks Hope - it makes me feel good that you related to what I shared. There are a lot of oughts and shoulds. I know when I've put my boundaries up in the past my grandmother has called me a "princess." People don't like things when the interaction changes and they are forced to look at themselves and/or it's no longer easy for them. Or they become lovey and fill you with praise to bring you closer, making the guilt ten times worse and having you question what you're doing.

With boundaries, I feel like I'm listening to myself and not shutting out other peoples' concerns etc, but doing what I need to do for myself (as long as it's reasonable etc).  :hug:

It's great you have such a good support system in your husband as well  :hug:

Hi, Hope  :hug:  I just wanted to say that I'm glad you found my writing about tapping helpful.  In general I have found tapping to be helpful and worth doing, but I also at times had difficult reactions to it.  The Tapping Solution app strongly pushes doing meditation sessions every single day, but I have backed off from trying to do that, because it gets to be too much for me and then it is counterproductive.  So I check myself, and if I feel I need something but am not up to doing formal meditations, sometimes I will tap through the points without intentionally focussing on anything.  Also, sometimes I tap just on the side of my hand and that is calming in a small way.  I do that a lot when I am anxious riding in the car either because of bad weather or because My Person is cursing and yelling at other drivers.  I wish he wouldn't do that, but there are a lot of crazy drivers around here and I've come to understand that venting like that when other drivers scare him is how he stays calm and focussed on driving safely.  Also, if you haven't tried it, there's a very short (under 5 minutes) meditation on the Tapping Solution app called "Tap And Breathe" that I really like for recentering myself if I'm having trouble dealing with feelings that come up during other sessions.  I usually do that one three times in a row, and wish they had a longer one, but even just doing it once helps.  I hope you have a good day and don't mind the unsolicited advice! :hug:

Hi Dollyvee,
Yes, I am glad I have my partner's support and love, he is a great support.  So are people here in this forum.  I like what you wrote about boundaries, it makes sense.   :hug:

Hi Bach,
Thank you so much for sharing those further thoughts on tapping - I appreciate the fact you took the time to do that, and I will have a look at the app you mentioned, and I'll also try that 'tap and breathe' 5 minute session.  I've not tried the app, so I need to look out for it.  Tapping Solution app - just writing it again, so I remember.  Thanks for the hug, and sending one to you  :hug:

**********
5th March 2021
I feel calmer in myself this morning.  I slept ok last night.  I am relieved, as I had worried that night terrors were re-starting, but I had been trying to create a calming environment at bedtime and speaking to my inner parts, and telling them that we're all safe, so maybe that has helped to calm all parts of myself for nighttime. 

Hope  :)

Sounds like your parts are helping Hope  :cheer:

Quote from: Hope67 on March 05, 2021, 10:15:39 AM
I had been trying to create a calming environment at bedtime and speaking to my inner parts, and telling them that we're all safe, so maybe that has helped to calm all parts of myself for nighttime. 

Good job, Hope! It does sound as if that was/is the correct action for you.  :grouphug:

Hope, this is about the fifth time that I've come back to your journal. Since I keep loosing my thoughts, I will just give a hug for now.  :grouphug:

Hi Dollyvee, Blueberry and Notalone,
I appreciate what each of you said, and thanks  :hug: :hug: :hug:

************
9th March 2021
I'm here, and was going to write, but now I've got here, I find I can't think of what I want to write about, or what to say, so I'll come back another time. 
Hope  :)

I am feeling very sad today.  Lethargic, sad, and it's a difficult day.  But I'm trying to sit with the feelings, and let them be, rather than stuff them away or distract from them.  It's not like I haven't been doing anything today - I have done some things, and that's been ok.  I am just finding it tough. 

My ear is experiencing some tinnitus today as well, and that's been annoying me. 

I think watching the Meghan Markle interview and hearing all the discussions about that - especially issues about her estrangement from her father, it's been triggering me - I also feel that any people I know will want to talk about it, and I don't want to talk about estrangement - I feel like I want to defend myself, and not speak to any of them, to protect myself.

I feel like there are lots of judgements from society about things.  I don't like that, but know it's human nature, and we all do it.  Myself included.  But I still don't really like that aspect at this moment in time.

Glad to hear written something here, anyway, as just writing it is making me feel a little less despairing. 

I shall make a cup of tea and sip it.
Hope  :)

Sorry to hear you're feeling sad right now, Hope. It sounds like you're doing well with trying to process it, and hopefully it will pass soon.

I agree with you, it's difficult with all the discussions and judgment in society. I'm not sure if it's the best approach, but I try to stay away from it as much as I can. I totally get not wanting to talk with people about it.

Good you have written something helpful, and hopefully your tea helps as well.  :hug: if you would like. Take care. :)

Thinking of you, Hope, and sending you a :hug:.

Hi Jazzy, Thank you so much for what you said, it's very supportive and much appreciated.  Thanks for the hug as well.   :hug:

Hi Snowdrop, Thank you and sending you a hug also -  :hug:  I appreciate your thinking of me.  It definitely helped. 

***********
19th March 2021
I have struggled the past few days, although in some ways I've been doing ok.  I've tackled a few things that have been challenging for me, and I've managed to cope ok with them.  I feel a dilemma that I feel like I would benefit to talk through some things, but my hypervigilant more worried parts are not keen for me to share things at the moment, so I've felt like I can't write things.

I realise it's because I have different parts who feel different ways about things, and there are therefore dilemmas for my going on with normal life part to negotiate.

I also have the difficulty that my M - from whom I am estranged - has sent me a couple of communications.  I have chosen not to respond, because I made the decision some years back now, that I am estranged and therefore NC (no-contact).  The fact she has been trying to re-establish contact doesn't surprise me, but it makes parts of me feel like I'm being stalked.  Literally, that feeling comes to mind.

Going through Mother's Day in the UK has been challenging in these circumstances, but I'm through it and it's coming towards the time when the clock's will change and April will be here, and I think that will be better!

I've written more than I thought I'd be able to - so that's good.  I felt like I wasn't able to write anything here for a few days - I came here, but struggled to write.  I've written now.  That's good.  It's re-establishing my link here, and I must remember it's a safe place to be and to write.

Hope  :)

Hello Hope,

I've been through a bit of a rough patch too and I have the feeling I haven't been responding to other mbrs on the forum much. So I just want to take the time now to send you some  :hug: :hug:

I'm sorry that your NC is not being respected atm. I imagine that must be really hard. I'm really sorry it makes you or parts of you feel as if you're being stalked.

I know that you sometimes can't really write at all so I'm glad for you that you did manage this time and I hope that's eased things for you a bit.  :) :hug:

Hi Hope,

I think it's stressful when you are faced with contact from someone you've put a boundary up with. For me, I know it makes me question myself and that's pretty distressing.

Just going to leave a hug here if you would like one  :hug:

I'm sorry that parts feel like you're being stalked. That sounds scary.  :hug:

Hope, mainly I just want to assure you I'm pulling for you to get to a freer state about the issues that have resurfaced. Specifically the touchy NC scenarios and your fortitude in holding steady with your boundaries.

I've gone through a recent spate of that sort of thing, and it does  make one feel awfully insecure. In my case, I'm far removed from the person who tried jumping my NC limits, but they figured out a way to get to me via phone. Physical distance aside, it just feels like stalking.

Okay, but what I really wanted to express here comes via this gesture, if you're alright with it:  :bighug: I hope you feel less alone with at least that small measure of support.

Hi Blueberry,  Thank you so much for what you wrote.  I've just been re-reading some of another journal I'd written a few years back - I think it was 2018, and you were there in those responses too, and I am feeling very emotional at the moment, in terms of feeling the care and kindness that you and other people have shown to me, so thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart  :hug:

Hi Dollyvee, Thank you, I very much appreciate your kindness and your hug, and I would like to also reciprocate that hug  :hug:

Hi Notalone, Thank you  :hug:  I am feeling a lot of emotions at the moment, and I appreciate what you said.   :hug:

Hi Woodsgnome,  Thank you, that is such a big and friendly hug, and I love it  :bighug:  I am sorry you've been through that boundary stuff lately too - it's horrible when they push our boundaries, and don't respect us!  I am holding onto my fortitude to hold steady.  Thank you.

********
20th March 2021
I've been re-reading an old diary - I can't believe how many views that diary has had, and what I've written in it.  I was re-reading it till just page 3, and tears have been rolling down my face, I was so emotional re-reading it.

I have drunk half a bottle of wine, and I very rarely drink alcohol, but I'm able to write here, and I feel ok, but I realise I am more emotional.  I apologise for drinking something - infact I think I need to go now. 

I just wanted to say how much I appreciate everyone's kindness, and their care and their concern.  It is truely a place of safety for me.  I will be back when I'm sobre.

Hope  :)

23rd March 2021
I feel like I've been blending numerous times with different parts of myself in the past couple of days, and consequently I have been in and out of multiple EF's, experiencing that blending and emotional roller-coaster.  However, I have been able to recognise those different parts, and I've sometimes been able to unblend and stay in my 'going on with normal life' self.  I am so grateful again to Janina Fisher, whose work is for me proving to be invaluable in helping me to understand things better, and to see a way forward that will help.  I have been attempting to follow her ideas, but I think it's been very slow for me, as I've been distracted, and also that my mind is fragmented as a result of my childhood traumas.  But I recently bought her book called 'Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma: A Workbook for Survivors and Therapists', and it accompanies the previous book I've got, called 'Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors: Overcoming Internal Self-Alienation' - and I found the first opening pages to be so powerful - her first line said "This book was written for you"  and it felt as if she reached out and touched me.  That chapter was just called 'Trauma Survivors: How to use this book' but what Janina wrote in that chapter, it was just what I needed to read.  She's worked with Judith Herman, and I think also with Bessel Van der Kolk.

Anyway, I am enthusing so much about having got this book, and keen to read through it, but I need to pace myself, as I really feel like my emotional lability at the moment is tough to cope with - I literally have been blending sometimes with my parts.  But I'm not afraid of any of them - that is a big thing to realise.  I feel like everyone of them has helped me to survive and be the person I am now. 

Now that I've got a Workbook by Janina I feel like I'll be able to begin to really work on that - pacing myself, because I recognise that some parts of me are reluctant and scared of that, but other parts want me to do that.  I already recognise a conflict - but the fact is that Janina says people don't need a therapist to use the book, that survivors can use it on their own, and so I feel I'm going to trust to that, and see how it goes. 

Anyway, this morning, I am feeling hopeful, and the sun is shining. 
Hope  :)

24th March 2021
I've just been trying to write some things in the forum, responding to some things others have said in their journals, but I have other parts which are being very vocal in my head - and it's too distracting and meaning that I just can't express things or say what I want to say.  I have wanted to express a hug to people too, but a part of me tells me that could be annoying for the other people - but I've pushed past that and offered the hug.  I hope it's not annoying to anyone. 

I recognise my parts are dyscombobulated - i.e. all affected by recent events that have happened in my life.  The fact I have an estranged family member who is trying to re-contact me, and I don't know how best to handle that situation, and the fact is that many of my parts are feeling so scared and upset about it.  Like I am being stalked.  That is how it feels. 

I got very triggered yesterday by another attempt from that person to contact me.  I don't even feel safe to say the way she attempted to contact me, incase she somehow sees my journal here - although I think it's highly unlikely she'd find it.  But, she has employed a detective in the past, when she's wanted to do stuff in her life, and I wouldn't put it past her to dig around at my personal life that way, if she could find a way.  I think that now that she is bereaved, that she will turn her attention on any remaining family members that she can get to communicate with her. 

So far I'm literally ignoring contact from her.  That feels like a horrible thing to do, but it is at the same time a protective thing to do. 

Anyway, I need to try to have a day which isn't ruminating about that situation.  I was getting better at reducing rumination about family issues, and I want to get back to that, and focus on living my life in the here and now. 

I think I feel some anger too, and that's interesting, because that is normally held in another part of me, and yet I feel like I can feel some of that emotion, more than I might normally acknowledge.

Hope  :)

Quote from: Hope67 on March 24, 2021, 08:39:57 AM
So far I'm literally ignoring contact from her.  That feels like a horrible thing to do, but it is at the same time a protective thing to do. 

Hope, you have a very tender, caring heart, so I can see where ignoring someone feels "horrible." I want to encourage/reinforce that it is good and healthy for you to protect yourself. In this case ignoring her attempts to contact you seems really wise. Good for you for taking care of yourself and your Littles this way. I'm sorry that what she is doing is causing so much disruption for you.  :'(

Quote from: Hope67 on March 23, 2021, 08:21:46 AM
Anyway, I am enthusing so much about having got this book, and keen to read through it, but I need to pace myself, as I really feel like my emotional lability at the moment is tough to cope with - I literally have been blending sometimes with my parts.  But I'm not afraid of any of them - that is a big thing to realise.  I feel like everyone of them has helped me to survive and be the person I am now. 

:grouphug:  It is wonderful that you are getting to know and care for your parts more.

Quote from: Hope67 on March 24, 2021, 08:39:57 AM
I have wanted to express a hug to people too, but a part of me tells me that could be annoying for the other people - but I've pushed past that and offered the hug.  I hope it's not annoying to anyone. 

I feel cared for when I receive your hugs and/or comments.  :hug:

I relate to your distress and understand how discombobulating it can be. I've felt in the past that I was the only person to notice what was happening in my family and when I set a boundary and distanced myself from it, I felt a lot of confusing emotions if they would call or ask me why I was "mad" at them. I felt guilty and confused but ultimately the distance felt good for me. It's great that you're giving your parts that distance to heal what you need to. After the legacy burdens workshop last week, it really stuck with me when she said you're not responsible for anyone else's parts just your own.

I'm with notalone - I feel comforted by hugs and blankets  :grouphug:

Hope, I always appreciate your hugs. I was really happy you put one in my Journal.  :grouphug: :grouphug:  :)

31st March 2021
I have been experiencing far more triggers today - and been experiencing many EF's and periods where I am dissociating - and it's been quite tough.  I am feeling like I am having more body pains - my left side of my head, and that hurts. 

Also, at night I have been experiencing my different parts meeting together, and being far more active - plus I've been able to see visual things at night-time - both in my mind's eyes when I have my eyes closed, and also if I open them - I can still see things in the darkness.  I am thankfully not scared by these anymore.  This contrasts with the past when I used to be quite freaked out by that.  I am calmer, and I just allow whatever is shown to me to be shown.  It doesn't necessarily make sense to me though.  The things I see - but they are just moving scenes, blurring one into another.

I had very vivid dreams last night too - I can't bring myself to write the content here.  I woke, and I went to make a cup of tea for me and my partner, and ended up having what I think was a panic attack downstairs.  My heart was racing a lot.  I had to sit down, and calm myself.  It took a while.  I felt a bit sick and nauseous, but it passed. 

I had my vaccine the other day - it was as if my smaller parts (a couple of them) believed that I was being poisoned, and that I might die.  I really feared I might.  Thankfully I have been ok, but I have felt some side-effects, and my arm has been very sore.  I was helped by seeing that Bach had mentioned experiencing flashbacks as a result of having the vaccine.  I felt less alone with my experiences knowing that.  Bach, if you happen to read this, I meant to write in your journal something - but I've been feeling a bit 'all over the place' and didn't remember or didn't do that.  But thank you for everything you write, and I wish I had written something in your journal - sending you a hug  :hug:

My partner has been expressing some concern for me lately, but I know it's because he's worried for me.  He doesn't like to see me experiencing more emotion on the surface, but he is supportive, and caring, and we've been able to talk about things, and I've been sharing my thoughts and feelings with him.  That's helpful.

I've been finding things that others have been writing in the forums to be really helpful.  I wish I was more responsive to them directly, and maybe I will be in the coming days.  But I'm not going to put any extra demands on myself. 

This next few days feels tough, as there's Easter weekend coming up, and that feels like a challenge in many ways - it often feels like one of those times when 'families' feel they should be in contact, and of course in an estranged scenario, that makes it feel more challenging.

I realise my language in this writing is stilted, and that's a result of my frazzled brain at the moment.  But I am ok.

Notalone, Dollyvee and Blueberry - thank you so much for writing in my journal - it really helped me to see your writings and what you said.  I read them at the time, and felt comforted by what you each said - so thank you.   :grouphug:

** Potential TW - not sure what I'm going to say.
I had more body memories at night last night - there was a pain in my side - the left hand-side.  My head (left half) also painful.  When I feel those I think it's my non-verbal younger parts communicating with me.  It's like they're stabbing me to get my attention. 

Just sat for a while, couldn't think of what to say.  I'll stop writing now.

Hope  :)

1st April 2021
I feel glad that it's April today.  Leaving March behind - it was a tough month for me.  I hope that April will be better.  I feel that it will be better.  I have some optimism for that. 

My nighttime experiences were better last night.  I didn't have many visual things going on, and actually went to sleep relatively quickly.  I did dream vividly, but I can't remember the content of the dream this time. 

I am doing something social later today.  I have mixed feelings about that, but I am feeling some excitement and good thoughts about it, so that's nice to feel that today.

Hope  :)

Hope, I hope the social time was positive yesterday.  :hug:

 :hug:

 :grouphug:

Hope you enjoyed your time out  :grouphug:

 :hug: :grouphug:

Hope you had a good time!

Hi Owl, Bach, Notalone, Dollyvee, Blueberry & Alter-EgO,

Thank you all so much  :grouphug: 

***********
10th April 2021
It's been a few days since I was here, but I have popped in now and then - and I felt very grateful for the hugs and replies here, they meant a lot to me.  Thank you.   :hug:

I really want to start writing more of the processes I'm going through at the moment, and the changes I've noticed, but somehow I find it hard to start to consider what to write about it, and that holds me back.  But I do want to write more about the processes.  Maybe I'll manage to do that, if I write it as my intention today. 

What comes to mind at this moment is something that Woodsgnome had written recently, about Bibliotherapy - and I related to that a lot - I have tended to read so many books over the past few years - and right now, I've even got a couple by Carolyn Spring that I've not started reading yet, as I don't feel able to start them...  Not sure why - I think part of me is a bit scared about it.  I am reading things that Janina Fisher has written, because I relate to that so much.  I related also to Carolyn Spring, but I feel I need Janina's method and way of working at the moment, and I feel like reading her work is like having her as my own therapist.  I feel like my parts are beginning to trust her, and that I am beginning to be better able to communicate with my own parts - but it's taking a long time, and has taken a long time.  But that's ok.

I've also been doing the 8 day challenge that was set by Nick Ortner which is about Tapping.  I've managed to do it every day except one day - and I think it is helping me.  I am thankful to Bach for finding out about that app from Bach. 

Regarding my dreams, I've been dreaming a lot more lately - more vivid, and I think maybe a teenage or young adult part is involved in those dreams, as they are vastly different from the dream content I'm used to!  I've been really surprised, but I'm ok with it.  I feel as if I'm communicating with older parts of myself currently.

But I don't forget the younger parts, I am trying to be there for any and all parts.  Trying to ensure I communicate a few times in each day, and I am considering any thought, feeling, body sensation as a potential communication from parts (as per Janina's directions), and I'm beginning to try internal communications tentatively.  It's going ok.

I've been over-eating though!  Comfort eating regularly.  Putting on weight as a result, and I don't like that.  I'd like to lose some weight. 

Glad to have written something today. 

Hope  :)

I hope, Hope (unintended word coincidence, they just spilled out that way), that it's alright to share a  :hug:.

If I was to elaborate on my 'style' of what my T calls Bibliotherapy, I'd probably add in the term 'Free Lance' -- making for Free Lance Bibliotherapy. All that really means is that while I focus on certain topics, authors, or specific books at a time, I also roam a bit, diving in here, there, and potentially everywhere. This is probably similar to your wanting to get to Spring's material, but not right now. My reading happens the same way -- intentions, starts and stops, etc.

Without getting wordy about that, I will get quickly to the point. I've only realized it recently, but I'm beginning to notice more and more how this forum fits well within my Free Lance Bibliotherapy. Here on OOTS I find so much richness and beauty here, along with lots that is instructive, inspirational, and on occasion a bit overwhelming, reflecting the sadness and anger that can seek to disrupt our yearnings for peace. These are important aspects of why I do all this reading in the first place.

I've noticed there's a deep tone and resonance to yours that speaks volumes about finding ways forward with grace and humility. I'd better stop -- this is your journal, but I wanted to tell you that. I'm sure others here probably respond in kind with your writing as well as with others. So I guess the most appropriate way to end this is with this hearty  :grouphug:

 :hug:

I too find it good to check in even if I'm not writing much, or busy. Reading about other's experiences (as I relate a lot to what you all say) is very grounding.

I am reading a lot right now too - will look up Bibliotherapy. Find that sometimes things just resonate and I want to know more. don't know if this is maybe a part distracting me but I guess it's good for me (and Jeff Bezos).

Hi Woodsgnome,
I am so grateful to you for sharing your thoughts and comments about Bibliotherapy and also your kind words - they mean a lot - and I welcome the hugs too - thank you  :hug: :grouphug:  I read what you said yesterday and it made me feel quite optimistic about many things, and I needed to feel that. 

I've just read the poem that you shared by David Whyte ( hope I got his name right) - over in 'The Secret Garden' thread, and it was so apt and a beautiful poem. 

I really like the fact you do 'free lance' bibliotherapy, because that is very similar to how I approach things - I can gravitate to things that I see, and go by a gut instinct sometimes, as well as on recommendations of things by people I feel like I trust.  Very thought provoking - the things you discussed.  Intentions, starts and stops.  Sometimes things align up, and othertimes they don't, but it's like a stream ebbing and flowing, and I see that in the garden - it always flows and brings optimism most-times.  There have been some muddy moments also of course. 

Hi Dollyvee,
Yes, I agree with you - it's very grounding reading what other people write - it's great that you're also reading a lot at the moment.

*************
12th April 2021
I ended up having a phone call in the middle of writing the above things, and of course, my brain is off-line - in terms of being triggered by the phone call and I am aware I'm not able to process things right now.  I need to go and centre myself again. 

The phone call was unexpected, but helpful.

It's put me off my train of thought though!!! 
Hope  :)

17th April 2021
I was going to write something, but I got distracted reading other journals, and now I'm here, I know I need to do some cooking, but I will write a couple of lines to remind me of what I wanted to talk about here, and maybe I'll get chance to come back later to write more:

tinnitus getting worse - stress related
worrying about not holding my emotions (little parts) and them spilling out for others to see
de-realization happening more frequently lately
dreams more vivid and content very realistic/adventurous

Must go now.
Hope  :)

I don't know if it's appropriate for me to say, but one of the most difficult cultural differences I find living in England as a Canadian, is the feeling like I'm not able to express what you feel or say what's on my mind. Even more so because of my upbringing where I wasn't allowed to do that and it was detrimental. So, having to live through that again is tricky and sometimes upsetting. My feeling is it's not the healthiest thing to do.

Hope you made something yummy  :hug:

 :hug: :hug: to you Hope

 :hug: Hope I'm there with you stress is high right now. Parts exposed and and consequences pending.  I feel your worry and am here for you. :hug:

22nd April 2021
I was just re-reading the notes I'd written when I was last here in my Journal, dated 17th April - and I found it interesting to notice that I wrote 'worrying about holding my emotions (little parts)' and it makes me wonder about the fact that I have ended up having different parts of myself holding onto emotions that might have been censored or 'not allowed' in my FOO.  Things that weren't considered appropriate to express, and therefore were buried and stored in the different parts of myself.  Anyway, just wanted to write that - whilst I remember it...

I am grateful to you, Dollyvee for sharing your thoughts about the cultural differences you've experienced, and noticing  that certain expressions of emotion also felt detrimental to express - and how that is not the healthiest thing to do.  I agree with that for sure!  (I can't remember if I made something yummy - but I hope I did...   ;D

Hi Blueberry, Thank you so much for those hugs, I appreciated them very much  :hug: :hug:

Hi Tee, I really felt supported by what you wrote, it's helped to carry me through this past few days, it's been a bit tougher than normal for me, but I'm doing ok.  I was thinking of you too, and especially on Tuesday morning, as I know you had your meeting - I really hope you're ok.   :hug: :hug:  I want to check in on other people's journals, but just now I'm not going to, as I have many things I have to do later today - so I'm just writing this here, but I am thinking of you as well.

************
So, it's the 22nd April and I've had quite a triggering time of things - there has been a lot more things going on in my life, and I've been dealing with quite a few things.  Consequently I have been experiencing 'ups' and 'downs' with regards to my emotional reactions to things, and I've experienced a lot of EF's - but the difference for me currently is that I'm able to notice when I'm experiencing those things, and also notice more the triggers, and what has been particularly good is that I can come out of the EF's quicker, through getting my brain 'online' again by telling myself I'm triggered, that I'm safe (thinking of Notalone now, as she wrote such a great example of her own situation recently, and the things she said to cope, and it was helpful to think 'I'm safe' - I used that and tried to calm my different parts, who were triggered and upset at the time).

I've been trying to tackle my over-eating too - which I've managed to do by making strict rules for myself about not eating extra snacks, and only eating at meal-times.  I've been feeling hungrier as a result though.  It's harder.  But I am beginning to lose some weight, and I feel relieved about that.  I was finding that things had got out of control, and I was over-eating too much, and not feeling good as a result.  I do feel better for cutting it down, and getting some semblance of control over it.  But I do 'feel more' emotions too - as well as feeling the hunger.  So that's interesting.

There's part of me that is annoyed at me - whilst I'm writing this.  I recognise that that part is telling me that I should 'be careful what I'm writing' and check what I've written, maybe even change it, but I am going to say - NO, I need to write sometimes and not feel I need to double check what I say, that what I am writing now, it doesn't need to be perfect or careful or tippy toes about - I can just write something, and that's ok. 

I had some night terrors this week, in particular a couple of days ago, I did a horrible piercing scream that shocked my partner, and then I was really worried for his health and well-being, as it was a particularly bad one.  I woke myself - I have partial memories of it.  My parts are a lot more active at night, that's what I've noticed, and I get quite a lot of numb tingling tongue experiences, and notice that I'm 'switching' - that's how it feels.  Not sure if I can express the experience properly, but I know what I mean by it.

My tinnitus peaked and was really bad, but I've been trying to calm myself and I've found that I'm not noticing the tinnitus quite so much, it has also calmed in the last day.  I am relieved.

I nearly got to the point where I was considering seeing a doctor, but then I got very anxious - because I have a fear of seeing the doctor.  Anyway, I think I am not going to need to go, I think I'm coping ok. 

Hope  :)

Hi Hope,

Feeling more can be pretty scary sometimes, but also very rewarding. Nowadays, sometimes when I feel really sad or angry or whatever, I catch myself just being really greatfuil that I can feel it at all. It makes life a lot more interesting, and in some ways easier to cope with when you're actually getting the information (emotions).

Sounds like you're making awesome steps. Noticing EF's and triggers sooner and managing to get "Back online" sooner, is progress for sure.

Take Care

It's really hard to not self-censor! Especially if you have parts that want you to not speak or feel. It sounds like you are doing a really good job noticing triggers and flashbacks as you go through this tough period and that is super important isn't it? But I'm sad that you are going through a lot of challenges right now. I hope they level off soon and you can process everything in relative peace.

Hi Alter-eg0,
I really like what you said about life being more interesting 'feeling more' - I do relate to that.  Thank you for your reply. 

Hi Armadillo,
Thanks so much for what you said.  I am actively working on trying to notice the triggers, as they are often difficult to pinpoint, but I'm getting there.

**********
23rd April 2021
This morning I wrote the words 'Realisations about Parts' on a notebook on my desk - so I'm putting it here too, incase I lose that note.  I do want to try to write more about some of the 'realisations' I've been having about my different parts.  That's an intention, and I hope to realise it...!  Wow, an attempt at humour there - now I'm wondering whether I am writing this as my 'self' or as another part.  I do feel like my 'self' at this moment.

Definitely feel like I'd like to edit that paragraph - but I'm trying to just 'write as I think' and that way allow myself to just 'be' - whatever happens. 

I've been wondering how to convey the different parts and their thought processes, and wonder whether to use italics sometimes to differentiate between them, or maybe colours, not sure if I can work out how to change the colour of the type ink on the screen.  Infact, not even sure how to do italics.  But I feel sure I can hopefully work it out. 

I had to take a break from doing some of my reading - Janina Fisher's work - but I hope to get back to it again. 

One of the factors that has caused me a lot of stress in recent days is the fact that one of my FOO members (whom I have been estranged and NC from for a few years has been attempting to re-gain contact, and that, coupled with the death of another FOO member (whom I was also estranged from) has caused me and all my smaller parts to be really stressed out and triggered.  Then I've had more things happening that I need to deal with, and I've realised how challenging that is when my brain is struggling due to the EF roller-coaster - BUT as my partner pointed out to me, I have actually coped with many of those things ok - i.e. I've been taking phone calls, sorting some things that involve a lot of paperwork and such like.

I think part of my worry about writing things here, is that my FOO member who is trying to contact me will see it, and then read my journals, and recognise me, and I just feel such intense shame about even writing about my experiences.  But yet, I've written SO much, when I look at what I've written in this forum.  But I'm glad I have written it - at the same time, as it has been a salvation to be able to come and write and know that others understand.  It is so supportive, and I value it.

Have been sitting wondering whether to edit or erase anything, but I've committed to just writing what comes to mind, and I'm going to therefore leave it as it is.  I have to keep reminding myself that I've not actually done anything wrong, and I shouldn't feel ashamed if I write anything.  At the end of the day, I have a right to live my life and feel feelings, and express myself.  So that's what I'm doing.   

Hope  :)

Quote from: Hope67 on April 23, 2021, 07:31:57 AM
Have been sitting wondering whether to edit or erase anything, but I've committed to just writing what comes to mind, and I'm going to therefore leave it as it is.  I have to keep reminding myself that I've not actually done anything wrong, and I shouldn't feel ashamed if I write anything.  At the end of the day, I have a right to live my life and feel feelings, and express myself.  So that's what I'm doing.   
Hope  :)

Good for you!!!   

 :yeahthat:   :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
:grouphug:

Hi Hope! I'm sorry things have been difficult for you lately. It sounds like you're dealing with a lot!  :hug:

You're doing a great job though, being very aware of what is happening with your mind and body, and putting a lot of effort in to bettering them both. Good work!

I relate to you feeling afraid and ashamed to write and being "found out" by someone in your FOO. That's totally understandable. Despite those feelings, it was very good for me to write everything I did. It really helped with my healing. It sounds like the same is true for you too, so I hope you keep it up! It's really important for us to be able to express ourselves, and our journal's here is a place that is safe.

As for changing the font colours and decoration like italics, that can all be done with the buttons above the text box. I'm sure you can work out something to your liking with a bit of experimenting. When you click one of the buttons, it puts code in the text box for you. It's a little bit complicated if you're not used to it, but I'm sure you will figure it out. For example, when you click the "I" button for italics, it puts something like this (without the .) [.i][./i], in the text box and all the words you type between the "tags" (the boxes, like this []) will be italicized.

[.i]This would be in italics if the . was removed from the boxes! [./i]

I hope this helps! It's probably easiest for you to just click the buttons and see what happens though, that's what works best for me anyway!

Keep up the good work, and I hope you're feeling better soon!

Enjoying reading your journal and just seeing you express yourself  :hug:

Hi Notalone, Blueberry, Jazzy & Dollyvee,
I appreciate your replies very much, thank you.   :grouphug:

Jazzy, your explanation of how to do the italics, that's great.  I will try it out now:  Jazzy  wow, I think that will work, and it's so easy... I can see bold as well.  wow, this is great.  I can do bold italic can I?  I'll have a look to see how it comes out...

Ahh, I think it was bold underlined, but that's ok!!!  It works - thank you so much Jazzy I can also see the change colour option, so I'll try that out fantastic purple  very pleasant green pink

I am very happy about discovering these possibilities and them being so easy to use...   :)

Hope  :)

26th April 2021
Interesting that I have tried to write this paragraph and I am censoring what I write, by re-writing and erasing.  I clearly don't feel able to just write what I want to just now.  I won't fight that.  It's ok.  I think part of me isn't happy about me trying to write.

But - what I do want to say is that I am feeling some strong feelings of shame today.  Shame for the fact that - and again, I can't write about those things.  I think it's ok to write that I feel shame.  That's enough to remind me.  Shame - it weighs heavy.

**TW Not sure what I'm going to write, but feel triggered, so mentioning a warning just incase it might trigger others

I had a horrible dream last night where I felt as if my face and body had gone completely numb and was swollen.  It was distressing.  I woke up at one point and found I did have pins and needles as if I'd cut off the blood supply to my arms, so maybe that was why I experienced that dream.  But I find generally that at night, when my parts are more activated that I experience tingling in my tongue, and feel as if I'm 'switching' - it's hard to explain.

I did wake at one point with some sheer terror kind of feelings, BUT I was able to immediately stay with the feeling, and think of it as a result of being triggered, and a communication with a part of myself who feels that terror.  I was glad that I could tolerate that, and recognise it as such - rather than how I would have reacted to it in the past.  So I feel that's some progress, and I wanted to write about it here.

I have been aware of older parts of myself becoming more active and affecting me in the daytime - such that they've caused me to end up saying things to my partner that I wouldn't normally say, and I've regretted some of those things, and I've apologised to him.  I tried to explain that I'm 'all over the place' in some respects at the moment, and he has been very supportive and also understanding.   I am relieved, but at the same time, I'm keen not to upset him - and so I am trying not to express some of those more unusual things that have been communicated by my parts.

I've still been doing the Tapping app by Nick Ortner, and I find that the female (also with the surname Ortner) is the one I prefer to listen to - she does one on Anxiety and I find that one quite helpful at the moment.  I'm trying to do it once a day, but some days I don't do it.  But it took me quite a long time to feel as if my parts were trusting enough to do it - and gain some benefit from it.  I do feel it is helpful.

The 'shame' that I've been feeling - it's very strong.  I realise that I've had a part that's most likely protected me from feeling 'shame' before - but now it's permeating through and feels tough to handle. 

I keep thinking of what Janina Fisher says about staying in the window of tolerance - i.e. not over stimulated and not under stimulated (I feel sure she uses other terminology than I used just then) - but I also notice that Kizzie talks of titrating and handling emotions in a way that isn't rushed, and is within a frame of toleration.  Again, the language feels 'clunky' now.  But never mind.

I also feel as if there's a more angry part of myself that I'm recognising more.  For so long, I didn't feel angry. 

Right now, I am actually feeling a bit tearful and upset, and wondering what has triggered that feeling at this moment.  Maybe it's the grief that my emotions were numbed, and dissociated from, for so many years - living life without realising the impact of my early childhood traumas.  Carrying them, stuffing them down, and splitting off and compartmentalising different emotions that weren't acceptable or supported. 

Whenever I read books about adopted or fostered children (as part of my bibliotherapy) I am always enjoying the care and compassion expressed by the foster carer, who is often a social worker kind of person - but someone who is highly compassionate and caring, and my small attached part of myself latches on to the care and love of that person, as if it's a drug that she wants to have forever.  (I can feel my distressed attached part crying now, as she misses that love and attention of a loving mother).  I don't feel my own M was capable of that unconditional positive regard.  She had her own issues.  She still does.

Now, she turns in my direction because she no longer has her life-partner, and looks and experts my obedience as her doting daughter, and I can see her vitriol - and lack of compassion and any sense of love towards me - hence, I know I cannot turn towards her, and meet her needs, because to do so would obliterate any sense of my sanity that remains. 

She is toxic in my opinion.  She has left me a legacy of toxicity.  I am estranged and yet it still holds me in chains.  But I am going to cut myself free, and I will walk free in time.  It's a corridor that has some solitary and dark places, but there's light at the end of it, and I'm keen to see light and breathe air that is free of toxins.

Phew, I'm not censoring myself now - and I realise I've written some weird stuff there, but I'm writing as things come to my mind, and that's free-ing in itself.

I feel a bit better actually - that sense of angst inside has lessened.  It's like I've heard the strong emotions, and I've allowed them to ebb and flow, rather than try to quash them and hide from view.  I am weathering them, and waxing and waning with them, and whilst it hurts and is painful sometimes, I'm still strong and still riding through the waves.

That brings to mind past dreams where I was on a boat with lots of rubbish around me - suddenly I had the image of being in the sea in stormy waves, but I thought that there's likely to be a safe island nearby, and I really feel I'll reach it, and I'll be ok.

I am ok.

I feel upset again, it is like 'waves'.  Interesting to experience this in this moment.  I'm going to go and make a cup of tea.  I might do the Tapping app - and try to release some more of the emotion that way.

Hope  :)

Thanks for sharing that Hope. My nights feel similar and those body sensations can be disturbing. I think you are doing a great job of pushing thru the censorship and riding the waves.

Sounds like you have a lot of emotions trying to get out right now Hope. It's okay if you are still censoring yourself somewhat, it takes time and effort to work through everything. I'm happy to see it got easier, and better towards the end though, that sounds like good improvement!

I'm sorry to hear your M is turning back to you now that her "other" is gone from her life. What you said about her being toxic makes sense. It sounds like she always needs someone to latch on to. I hope you do well at keeping up some healthy boundaries!

"Riding the waves" is a beautiful image, thank you for sharing that. :)

Right now, I am actually feeling a bit tearful and upset, and wondering what has triggered that feeling at this moment.  Maybe it's the grief that my emotions were numbed, and dissociated from, for so many years - living life without realising the impact of my early childhood traumas.  Carrying them, stuffing them down, and splitting off and compartmentalising different emotions that weren't acceptable or supported.

when i read this, hope, (sorry it's been so long), my heart wanted to cry.  i could have written these words verbatim (by the by, i get the struggles with using some of the options for writing here.  i didn't know how to put what you wrote into quotes.  but, you get it.)

anyway, living life w/o realizing the impact of early traumas, and i can add, any and all of my traumas throughout my life, has been difficult to cope with mentally and emotionally when i've finally gotten to know what this has been all about.  grief - yes, definitely.  so many gallons of grief. 

i also give you a lot of credit for writing 'shame'.  the idea that you recognize that now is a huge accomplishment.  perhaps one day you'll be able to write about another little piece of what you've gone thru, but every piece counts.  well done, hope!  keep taking care of you, ok?  love and hugs :hug:

I'm quoting from and responding to your long post of 26th April, Hope. You put in a ***TW*** so I've put that back in, since I don't want to trigger you with anything I write.

Quote from: Hope67 on April 26, 2021, 02:26:36 PM
Now, she turns in my direction because she no longer has her life-partner, and looks and experts my obedience as her doting daughter, and I can see her vitriol - and lack of compassion and any sense of love towards me - hence, I know I cannot turn towards her, and meet her needs, because to do so would obliterate any sense of my sanity that remains. 

She is toxic in my opinion.  She has left me a legacy of toxicity.  I am estranged and yet it still holds me in chains.  But I am going to cut myself free, and I will walk free in time.  It's a corridor that has some solitary and dark places, but there's light at the end of it, and I'm keen to see light and breathe air that is free of toxins.

There is so much clarity and strength in what you write here, Hope! You have made such huge progress since being here on the forum. I hope you are feeling a little stronger than you were last week. I can imagine it is painful to have this clarity about your M but I hope the sense of needing to preserve your own sanity wins and helps ease the pain.  :hug: :grouphug: :)

Quote from: Hope67 on April 26, 2021, 02:26:36 PM
But I am going to cut myself free, and I will walk free in time.  It's a corridor that has some solitary and dark places, but there's light at the end of it, and I'm keen to see light and breathe air that is free of toxins.

Hope, I thought this was absolutely beautiful.  :grouphug:

Dear Armadillo, Jazzy, Sanmagic, Blueberry & Notalone,

I am keen to reply to each of you - and I will do so, but I can't right at this moment, because just reading what you were saying, I feel very emotional - I think my 'attached part' really finds it very emotional.

Interesting, my emotion has gone out of the room, almost immediately - I think I can reply.  I'll try to give it a go.  That ebb and flow of emotion, it's palpable.

Armadillo  Thank you for what you said - I have read some of  your journal entries, and noticed that you'd had experiences that sounded very similar to some that I had felt - I had wanted to say that in your journal, but I'm always a bit tentative sometimes - so I hadn't done that.  But I wanted to send you a hug, if you're ok to have one of those  :hug:

Jazzy  Thanks to you, I'm using the 'bold' category and have the freedoms to use the other functions - it was like I was 'stuck' before, and now I see how to do it, it is so easy!!!  I am keeping my boundaries, re: my M.  I remain estranged.  I can't afford to relax that particular boundary.  I need to preserve my sanity.  Thank you for your support.   :hug:  Here's to 'riding the waves'  :)

SanMagic  It's so lovely to hear from you - I've missed you!   :hug:  You spoke of 'gallons of grief' - that is very descriptive and I am so sorry that you, me, and others have had to handle those things.  But it definitely makes us 'human' - I am sending you a big hug, as I know you like those!   :bighug:

Blueberry Thank you so much for your validation and your support - I am feeling stronger now than I was last week.  You're right that it was painful to have that clarity re: my M, but yes, the need to preserve my sanity does help to ease that pain.  Thank you so much for those hugs, and sending them also for you  :hug: :hug:

Notalone Thank you so much.  I read that back and I also like the scene - I hope that at the end of the corridor I reach a space like the 'Secret Garden' and meet up with lots of folk - all of you, Woodsgnome, Sceal, Deep Blue, ThreeRoses, Sharp and Blunt, Elpha, Tee, and lots more people I've forgotten to mention, but who are no less in my thoughts,  and others who all 'get it' and understand.   We are 'not alone'   :cheer:

**********
4th May 2021
There is a part of me who feels some 'anguish' and emotion right now.  I think it's the acknowledgement of the emotional aspects that actually hurt - make me feel like crying.  But it's a mixture of emotions, I feel also hopeful and yet I also feel sick in the pit of my stomach.  I realise there's a lot of emotions.  Different parts of me are all experiencing this.

I wrote in another part of the forum about the book I'm currently reading:

"Sensorimotor Psychotherapy: Interventions for Trauma and Attachment" by Pat Ogden and Janina Fisher.

I love Janina Fisher, I think she's amazing.  I'm impressed by the book so far.  I have however noticed that it very much depends on how different parts of me are feeling as to whether I can actually 'read' the book - and sometimes I can't even find it, as I feel that a part has put it somewhere where I can't find it, but generally I am ok, and have been reading it.

I really hope that I'll be able to try to do some of the exercises and work-sheets in the book, when I get to them.

Hope  :)

Thank you, Hope. I love hugs as long as they aren't manipulative and nothing here is.  :hug:

I love Janina Fischer's book. It was hard to read because I related so so much to everything in it which was confusing for me. But she really gets it, doesn't she?

I also really relate to the flood of multiple emotions all at once and the emotions just totally disappearing like someone vacuumed them up when you looked away. I was just noticing all my emotion had left my journaling and I've turned back into a robot reciting facts.

All that to say,...I think you are doing fantastic feeling the emotions that are there as long as you can. Hug?

:hug:

mY dear hope,

a thought - i believe any time we set new boundaries, especially when we realize they're important for our sanity, there is going to be a mix of emotions.  i wouldn't doubt there's grieving going on, which always riles up emotions.  it can make us quite messy, inside and out.  please, be gentle with yourself as you navigate these unknown waters.  the boat may rock, but we won't let it sink.  sending much love and a hug full of strength. :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on May 04, 2021, 09:12:36 PM
a thought - i believe any time we set new boundaries, especially when we realize they're important for our sanity, there is going to be a mix of emotions.  i wouldn't doubt there's grieving going on, which always riles up emotions.  it can make us quite messy, inside and out.  please, be gentle with yourself as you navigate these unknown waters.  the boat may rock, but we won't let it sink. 

:yeahthat:  :grouphug:

Hi Armadillo - Yes, I think Janina Fisher really does get it.  I'm glad you've found one of her books helpful.  Which one have you read, if you don't mind my asking?  She's written about 3 that I know of so far, and I think they are really good. 

I appreciate what you said about my tolerating feeling more - I think I am, and perhaps dissociating less than I used to do.  Thank you for the hug too, I appreciate it  :hug:

Hi SanMagic - I recognise the 'mix of emotions' you mentioned with the setting of a new boundary, and also your point about grieving.  It's valid and it's definitely descriptive of what I've been experiencing.  'Messy, inside and out' - yes, I relate to that!   I have taken on board your suggestion to be 'gentle' with myself - and I really love what you said 'the boat may rock' but that 'we won't let it sink' - that is so touching emotionally to my inner most soul - thank you.   :hug:

Hi Blueberry,
I'm grateful to you for highlighting SanMagic's words - they really help.   :hug:

************
7th May 2021
I had quite a tough couple of days - because my emotions were 'up and down' and I recognised different parts of myself were 'acting out' - and I had a few issues I needed to talk through, and I felt physically sick when I was doing that.  It was really difficult, BUT I have got through it.  I'm not writing the details, or who the issues were between, as I don't want to rock my emotions up again - I am feeling calmer and I am feeling ok, and infact I feel pleased that I've managed to cope - it feels as if I've really achieved something, I feel stronger as a result of it.

Hope  :)

This is such a beautiful thing that you wrote....you had a tough couple days, you coped, you are pleased with yourself, AND now you are taking care of yourself by not going into details.   :cheer:

The book I read by Janina Fischer was "The fragmented selves of trauma survivors" and it helped me understand myself SO much. I could not believe how much I related to all of it and it explained so many of my behaviors in a way that made sense. Now I HAVE to go find her other books as I didn't think to see what else she has written. What's your favorite?

Hi Armadillo,

I think that is my favourite too - and I have re-read it about three times now, and I get more out of it each time I read it.  I have just been looking at resources regarding Janina Fisher, as you asked about the other things she's written, and this is very useful:

https://janinafisher.com/resources

I shall be looking through those over the weekend, as I hadn't realised how much she's written - quite a few articles and pdfs, I think. 

I have recently bought her book that she wrote with Pat Ogden about Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, and I wrote a few notes about that book in the section in the forum that is entitled 'Books' - I am sure it will take me quite a while to get through the book, as it's a lengthy one, but I think it will be really useful.  I am looking forward to it - although I am also aware that I need to take it slowly, as there are work-sheets in it, and I'm not always able to commit (i.e. from all my parts) to doing work-sheets.  But I'm going to try.

Hope  :)

i echo armadillo's words of recognition and support for what you're going thru.  well done!   :thumbup:

you're making so much progress.  my my, having journeyed along with you for quite a while now, seeing some of your vulnerability as you continue to feel stronger within yourself.  it's so wonderful to see.  i'm very happy for you. i truly am.  much love and hugs filled with strength and courage as you continue on.   :hug: :hug:

Oh worksheets are my Achilles heel, though armadillos don't have Achilles tendons...shoot I've blown my cover!

Thanks for sharing Janina Fisher's resources! I've downloaded a sample of her new book but I am skeptical of my ability to do the worksheets... :whistling:

Let us know what you think!

Hi Hope! I've been thinking of you this morning, and I hope you're doing alright!

I'm glad to hear you've found some new material you are connecting with. It sounds like it has been helpful for you, and that's great. I see that you're making progress with yourself, and that's excellent too!

Something you wrote a little while ago stood out to me:

Quote from: Hope67Interesting, my emotion has gone out of the room, almost immediately

That is interesting! I don't know exactly why this happens, only you can really figure it out (because it's in your mind).

Maybe you acknowledged your feelings, and that was all that was needed.
Maybe your mind hid it from you, because it only wanted to be in your subconscious.

I guess it doesn't really matter why, as long as it isn't harmful to you. I think it's good that you acknowledged it.

All the best with the worksheets, I know those are really difficult. But it's okay if you're struggling to do them right away. Maybe that just means that there is more healing to be done, and maybe the worksheets will even help with that, if you take them slowly.

I'm keen to reply to what you've each said - hopefully tomorrow.  I've had a lot of things going on last night, and today, but I'm ok. 

Hope  :)

12th May 2021

Firstly, thank you to SanMagic, Armadillo and Jazzy for your comments.  I really wanted to say more in my replies to you, but at the moment I am a bit bombarded with various parts of myself and also with things going on, so I will just say 'thank you' and that I appreciate you all very much.    :grouphug:

************
TW as I don't know what I'm likely to say, and that warns me there's something 'triggering' there - at least for me, so best to warn incase...

I am feeling sick inside, because I feel a sense of overwhelm.  So I am going to listen to that as a warning to myself to pace myself better, and maybe step away from online things for a while - I do that sometimes when I get over-whelmed.  I'm not sure I want to say that I'm necessarily taking a break from here though, as I will still want to come here and read things, and I might write too.  But just explaining incase I'm not here as much in the next few days.

I've been having more dreams, and processing a lot more.  I'm finding that there are parts of myself that are standing in the way of my ability to read my books, and I'm wondering whether I need to listen to that reticence and maybe just read something that is more relaxing - maybe a magazine or something rather than ploughing on.

I am regularly interacting/connecting with my 'parts' - but now that I involve them all in things, there can be many more divergent feelings going on, and that's quite tough to handle.  I've found that sometimes I blend with parts, rather than acknowledge them as separate to me - and then I focus on unblending (as per Janina Fisher's suggestions) and that's helpful.

I think there's been older parts of me who have awakened and are communicating with me about their feelings and thoughts about things that happened in my life.

I've also been 'feeling' more things - as well as processing more.

But it's overwhelming sometimes. 

Anyway, that's all I'm saying for now - glad to have written about some of it.

Hope  :)

Sometimes 'pacing' is the most important aspect in the daily grind to find the peace we need. Perhaps if we give the overwhelm feelings some space all will be fine.

You've been building a lot of strength from within and that can make for a bit of frazzled nerves. Your response to back off a bit is thus a natural part of the process, and needed in order to continue trekking onward, out of the void.

:hug:

Thank you Woodsgnome  :hug:  I appreciate your validation that pacing is what I need to do. 
Hope  :)

Hope, I'm sorry to hear that you've felt sick and overwhelmed. It sounds like you are continuing to make a lot of progress, though. :) Keep up the good work! Take all the time you need for yourself. You're worth it! Wishing you all the best!  :hug:

Hi Hope...

I've been wondering how you're doing today. Did the feeling of being overwhelmed get better or worse?

hey, hope,

overwhelm is a cue to me to take a break, or just indulge myself for a bit in a superficial way, something that feels good to me, like watching tennis or playing games for a bit.  it's almost like a reboot for my mind, a mini-vacation, if you will.  i think this stuff can get seriously intense in a short time, especially as we move toward root sources of our traumas.  those roots can be tough to pull out of the ground, but if we pull too hard they can break, and we have to regroup and come at it a different way.

i think your self-realization and internal warning systems are building, getting stronger, and your awareness is growing, as well as your acknowledgment of what you need to do, or stop doing.  well done!   :thumbup:  to me, that's all a sign of progress in your healing.  love and hugs, my dear :hug:

Hi Jazzy, Armadillo & SanMagic,
Thank you for your replies - Armadillo - my feelings wax and wane so frequently, so it's difficult to say whether something is better or worse, I'm doing ok though, and thank you for your question.

************
17th May 2021
I am reading Chapter 6 of the SensoriMotor Psychotherapy book by Pat Ogden and Janina Fisher, and wanted to quote this part from p.114 to remind myself of what it said:

Potential Trigger Warning, and I find the phrase triggering - but not sure what to label it:

"However, orienting exercises involve the physical action of turning the head and neck to look around at various environmental cues, which can be frightening or seriously uncomfortable for those who have long-standing patterns of freezing or collapsing.  Equally, shifting focus from a triggering cue to a neutral or positive one can around hypervigilance and anxiety.  Proceeding slowly and helping clients separate the past from the present will be useful with those who may question the safety of positive feelings and wonder if focusing on something that feels good will make them more vulnerable to danger."

I relate to a lot of what is written there - and the comments about the movement of the neck have made me think a lot.  I rarely like to turn round and look behind me - I also have really uncomfortable thoughts about the image of someone 'cradling my head from behind' - it makes me feel very vulnerable.

I am managing to do some of the worksheets in the book - and I am finding it helpful to do them. 

Hope  :)

Hope, I appreciate you sharing this quote.  I am taking a yoga training where the lead trainer encourages us to look around the room.  I find it helpful.  I notice that in more stressful environments I don't tend to look around as much and wonder if it would be supportive.

Thanks for sharing that passage Hope! It's so validating. My T tried to get me to do the look around orienting and I find it very distressing to turn my head so he is out of my line of sight. I won't do it. I wonder if orienting like that is more helpful to people with PTSD who were caught off guard by an attacker whereas most of us are looking for danger to come from someone in relation to us. Like **** I don't care who's behind me, I need to keep an eye on YOU!

hope, i read your passage, and read the responses to it, and quite honestly, i couldn't make any sense of it at all.  don't know exactly whey.  turning my head is painful, but i don't have a problem doing that particular movement.  it may be my lack of fear in most surroundings that causes such a movement for me to feel differently than others.

thanks for sharing it.  it's something for me to chew on, possibly.  maybe it's just me and the way i'm wired that causes a different response to those words/actions.  don't know.  guess we're all different.  love and hugs, hope :hug:

Hi Rainydiary, Armadillo and Sanmagic,
It was great to get all or your reactions to what was written in that passage - because it's very interesting to be considering these things, and I'm definitely getting a lot out of doing the sensorimotor book reading.  Sanmagic, I think that maybe that particular movement isn't necessarily an issue for you, as maybe you use different defences, and the movement being mentioned was in relation to the freeze one.  I also think I might have done a typo - as one of the words in the paragraph doesn't make sense, so could mean it's a bit difficult to read out of context.  I've read the remainder of the chapter, and was just putting a small part out to remember and comment on - as I know I can lose stuff if I don't comment here in my journal.

I really appreciate hearing what you each said.  I've noticed that the writers of the book aren't prescribing any particular courses of action, but purely talking about noticing and being aware of orienting cues - and I think that's been a good way to approach it, as otherwise I think I would have resistance coming in from some or all of my parts. 

They also always include a section about adapting the chapter for dissociation, which means that they are taking account of different parts - and potential resistance, and I think that really helps me to feel confident to continue reading.

As I write this, a part is saying "What you're writing doesn't make sense, how is anyone supposed to comprehend what you mean, from what you've written."  Another part is saying "I don't even understand it myself!  How can you try to explain something that you don't understand yourself!!!" and another voice/part is saying "well, I'm just going to write it anyway"...

*********
19th May 2021

I want to write quite a few things just now, so I'll just let myself free-flow and write:

I have been doing quite a lot of effortful concentration on attending to all parts of myself, and therefore acknowledging all thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations as being potential messages/communications from parts.  Also doing what Janina Fisher suggests, in terms of labelling them as 'parts' rather than things that are 'me'.  i.e. being triggered - I can then say to myself, that's a part that was triggered, rather than 'I am triggered' - and I've been doing this for a few weeks now, and over time, it's getting better. 

However, this means that during the day, I'm able to keep myself 'on-line' more (i.e. keeping my frontal lobe from shutting down) and keeping myself more often in the 'going on with normal life self' - BUT at night, that's when I've found that my parts are switching and 'taking over' my body for quite a lot of the night.  I've had more night terrors - there was one a couple of nights about where I thought there was a woman with a (Trigger warning...)

With a Knife and she was attempting to kill me.  I screamed very loud (according to my partner) and I heard the shock and upset in HIS voice, in his reaction to my terror.  He was visibly upset the next morning when he asked me about the night time, and I took quite some time to recall what had happened.  I woke feeling as if I was experiencing significant paralysis - as if I had severe arthritis and my neck, head and upper body was really struggling to move.  It took me quite a time to orientate myself to the day, and to then try to think about the events of the night.  My partner said - "I wonder which one of us is traumatised by these night-terrors" (there is part of me that reacts with laughter to that, and part of me that is very sad/upset about that).  I think that it had affected him more than me, as he was the one who was woken in the night and heard the high pitched scream.  He told me that he wonders why noone ever comes to find out if there's something bad happening - noone ever seems to hear and respond.  I just don't think anyone else would have heard it.  But I guess I don't know how loud it was.

Anyway, I think there is more 'activity' of my parts at night now - because of my different management of there experiences during the daytime, this is how I'm thinking of it. 

I'm beginning to feel a little more emboldened to potentially begin to talk about the parts more, and maybe share some of the 'conversations' that happen, in my journal.   I don't know if I'll stick with that potential or not, it's just what I'm thinking today, in this moment.

Also, I watched a film on Netflix the other day, that had Amy Adams in it, and there were issues of trauma in that film - I really found it an absorbing film - I wish I could remember the title - it was such a good film.  One of the newer films they've put on Netflix in the past few days.  Amy Adams and some other famous people in it.  So well acted.  She seems to understand trauma, and I've seen her in other films (I think she was in the series about 'Sharp Objects' or something like that - that was also very good).

I've also been interested in things that some people have been saying in the forum about trauma and food issues.  Janina Fisher had mentioned that "fats and carbs calm the nervous system" and "induce numbing" and I think that's significant to my own situation - I comfort eat sometimes and gravitate to both fat and carbs and therefore numb myself that way. 

I experienced something unusual the other day - I 'felt more' physically - the material on my trousers was catching on my leg, and it felt so sore and hurt a lot.  This is very unusual for me, as I often 'don't feel' things - including temperatures or physical things.  So I was incredibly sensitive that day for part of the day. 

My memories and things I'm processing are changing - I've been looking at older memories - i.e. memories of my teenage years, and I don't feel like I can write about those memories here, but I wanted to mention that I have been focusing on different age ranges of time. 

Finally, I've written these notes in a paper diary, and I want to write them here as well:

"Noticing triggers in daytime - less blending.  BUT noticed MORE blending with parts in the night-time.

*Notice the parts and unblend from them.
*Pain of the reaction from the family.
*Emotional muscles - You'll be able to unblend
*Finally somebody cares

Feeling flashbacks
Traumatic triggers
Frontal lobe shut-down, going on with normal life part is shut down.  Parts related chaos, as parts overtake the body.
Empathic failure

Parts: Attachment; Fight part; Freeze part; Flight part: Submit part."

My notes may not make much sense, but they remind me of things that I've been reading, and they do make some sense to me at the moment, and I might lose my paper diary, as I've written stuff all over the place.

****Trigger warning
This reminds me of a situation when I was looking in some books where I'd written a lot of 'notes' from various books I've read over the past years, and my partner saw me doing this - I was over-whelmed by the amount of notes I'd written, and then a part of me reacted by my crying and losing control on myself - and my partner said it reminded him of the film 'A beautiful mind' where the guy had written notes everywhere - I was then scared that he thought I was losing my mind, and becoming psychotic, or unbalanced - or losing control, but thankfully we were able to talk about things, and I was able to unblend from the scared and reactive part that had caused me to cry and be very anxious, and I was able to say that I 'need' to write notes, because my brain often goes off-line (or I dissociate) and therefore taking notes helps me to process what I read, as otherwise, I wouldn't take it in, or keep it in mind, or indeed be able to process it.

So glad to have written all of this, it feels liberating today and in this moment to be writing it all.   A nice contrast to my sometimes faltering and great difficult expressing myself.  I wish it was like this all the time, but maybe that wouldn't be great either.

I think I'm feeling a bit manic today - maybe that's too strong a word, just over-stimulated.  Like there's a pressure of speech, and it's coming out in my writing.  I wonder 'am I blended now' - if so, what part is so keen to write?

Anyway, I am going to try to get in a more balanced window of tolerance, and try to have a better night sleep where I don't end up having active parts and hopefully I won't get night terrors tonight.  I worry more for my partner at the moment, as I seem to be feeling less bothered by them - even though they do happen.

Hope  :)

You're doing really well with the parts work! I find that really difficult myself.

That dream sounds terrifying! And that's not fair of your husband to think maybe it's harder on him just cause he's able to verbalize that fear.

Hi Armadillo,
Thanks for your validation on my part's work, I feel I am making some baby steps in terms of progress, and that's feeling good to achieve that.

Regarding my partner, I might have described things as being a bit tense, but it wasn't like that.  I'm grateful to the fact I'm able to talk with him about all of this stuff, and infact over time, it's changed quite a lot - he is incredibly supportive.  I think he was using humour in saying 'who is more terrified by the night terrors' - and that did help.  I think it must be exasperating for him sometimes, in that I don't always notice the night terrors at the time - he hears the screams, he worries about me. 

Interesting that trying to write this and explain it, I find I can't really explain it - but anyway, I do feel like he's a supportive influence in my life, and I am always grateful to the fact I can talk to him about things.

**********
20th May 2021
My memory of last night was that I came into contact with a very 'emotional part' - one that felt intense emotions.  They felt so strong.  It was only for a fleeting few moments, but I was grateful to have 'met' that part of myself for those moments, and I tried to 'sit with' the emotions and be grateful that the connection had been made. 

I'm feeling quite 'out of sorts' today - not sure how to settle my mind.  Feeling like I have lots of things I should be doing, but not wanting to do or start any of them. 

Hope  :)

You described it perfectly well! He does sound supportive and I can see how what he said would be helpful especially if you have trouble giving yourself permission to feel upset about stuff like the nightmare. 

Out of sorts days kind of suck it out of you. I hope you have a break in your day to restore yourself a bit with a walk or something you love.

Thanks Armadillo  :hug: 

***********
21st May 2021
I woke an hour early this morning, and spent that time being 'kind' to myself and my selves, by just lying and allowing whatever feelings came to mind, and it really helped me to feel better for when the time came to actually get up. 

I've noticed I've been writing things, and often using the 'quotes' to differentiate words, this is a habit I do sometimes, but not all the time.  Not really sure why I do that.

Maybe it's to emphasise things.  Or maybe it's something else, but I'm not really sure.

I've noticed that one of my parts tends to say things like "I'm really scared"  Another part tends to say things that involve swear words, that I wouldn't normally use myself in daily life (except maybe whilst driving).  I do relate to times in the past when I did feel very scared.  So I think that part that says 'I'm really scared' is still caught there, and I'm pleased that she's reaching out to me, and that I am trying to comfort her, and tell her that she's safe now.

I feel like I've got a very small vulnerable part of me with me today - and so I'm going to try to be there for her. 

Hope  :)

Later in the day, 21st May 2021

Potential Trigger warning as not sure what I'm going to write:
I've been going through some old photographs, and I've been tearing some up.  I started this process this morning, and had a huge whoosh of emotion that came up like a physical thump in the chest.  Whoosh of nausea kind of feeling.  My partner is around today, and we were going for a walk after, and I was able to tell him that tearing up the photos had been emotive - although at the time I was doing it, I had felt a bit dissociated and not feeling anything at all...  The walk did us both good, and so did the talking.

I've sorted through more photos this afternoon. 

Now I'm going to try to do something else, just drink a cup of tea.  Try to sit with any feelings that remain.  I do feel a sense of liberation that I've chosen what photos stay in my life, and which ones have been torn up and will be put into the recycling paper pile. 

Actually I do feel sad as I write this - I feel upset - I can feel that.

I think I need to take a break over the weekend - maybe read something lighter.  Maybe magazines. 

Hope  :)

What you feel is very relateable. Sometimes the physical release of the past can help us accept the now.

It's great you were able to walk and talk it out. :)

This sounds so great, Hope!  :cheer: 

I love that you're taking action to improve things and not be stuck in the past. It's also great that you're allowing yourself to feel all of your emotions, including the ones like sadness. Feeling liberated is very powerful too! I'm sure that will be quite helpful. :)

Hi Bermuda,
Thank you - the walk was helpful.  I like your description of 'the physical release of the past' - and 'accepting the now' - I think I would like to be more in the moment than in the past, and that is therefore a good focus for going forward.

Hi Jazzy,
Thank you - I hope not to be 'stuck in the past' anymore.  I hope to feel more 'liberated' as time goes on.  I can see patches of it here and there now, and I do feel I can approach more of them.

**************
22nd May 2021
I've been getting rid of some more papers from the past, and more photos of the past - I've also spent some relaxation time reading some magazines, although those were more emotive than I realised as many of the magazines had articles about people coping with the pandemic, and the impact of that - and so they were quite 'heavy' emotional articles.  Not necessarily the 'light reading' I had hoped for.  But it was ok.

I had been feeling some 'anger' earlier in the day - as if there was a teenage part of myself alongside me, and expressing those feelings - but I managed to sit alongside them, and was greatful to that part of sharing some of those.  Although they were tough to handle at the same time.

I nearly bought some foods in the shop that would have enabled me to do a bit of binge eating, but thankfully my partner talked me out of it.  I am aware of the impulse to overeat.  I don't want to do that.

Hope  :)

24th May 2021
I was triggered by something that happened on the weekend, and it took till late today to finally unblend from some upset parts of myself.  But, I did unblend, and now I'm able to see clearly again - and I am feeling relieved. 

Hope  :)

This sounds very positive, Hope! That's awesome. Good job! :)

Good job Hope! I saw that post and I think it is really ok and good that you stood up for your boundaries even if now that you are unblended it feels like maybe it wasn't as bad as you felt in the moment. It probably was bad enough to rightfully trigger a need for some self protection, and you did that. I'm glad you've been able to unblend now though and feel better about things.

Hi Jazzy & Armadillo,
Thank you both so much  :hug: :hug:

**********
27th May 2021

I have found the past days since I last wrote (which I note are a couple of days) as being a bit of a struggle, BUT I am ok!  I have had quite a lot of EF's, and I've also been 'acting out' as well - in various ways, and sometimes I've found that amusing as well as at times distressing.  I've worried about myself and my parts, and how they're all trying to negotiate their way and begin to know each other - tolerate one another, working was a 'team' - like a baseball or basketball or netball team.  But it doesn't feel like that at the moment.  It's quite jumbled and messy at times and I think they're bumping into one another and making mistakes, but it's ok. 

I've been reading a book by Roxane Gay called 'Hunger' and it's really been validating some of my own experiences, as she describes how she finds her way through her life - and she was born a few years after me, but I relate to things she's said.  She writes a memoir of her body.  I find I've been 'hearing it' via my adolescent and younger adult selves and also in my 30's and 40's.  I'm nearly three quarters of the way through it, so I've been reading it quickly.  It's been painful at times to read it, but helpful at the same time. 

I have continued to be hugely impacted by what happened with my in-law.  I have experienced some very young reactions within myself - and some of the solutions I was thinking of to cope were not helpful ones.  I ended up exhausted - I ended up going to bed in the afternoon.  I had migraine kind of pain in the left-side of my head.  I was experiencing whooshing tinnitus experiences - I didn't like it.  BUT sleeping helped. 

I've been experiencing more night terror kind of experiences - nothing major, but they are happening with some regularity the past nights.  My partner tells me about them, as I don't always remember them, but when he tells me what happened, then I do recall them.  Last night there were two in the same night, and I remember the second, and feeling as if I was 'stuck in a loop' where it was repeating itself, and I was terrified .  But they are better than they would have been in the past, as I don't throw myself out of bed anymore, and I don't hurt myself as a result of that.  I am able to go back to sleep again, and I don't worry about them so much.  I know they happen sometimes, and I know that I'll be ok.

I'm not looking forward to the weekend, as it's a Bank holiday weekend, and I am going to be facing my in-laws again, and especially the person I had the difficulty with.  My partner assures me that it should be ok.  I'm not quite so convinced about that!  I don't believe it will be ok.  But I really hope that I don't break down infront of that person again - I felt like my younger attached part came out that day, and cried - and I felt vulnerable that that happened.  I don't want that to happen again.  I want to be strong and cope.  I hope I do.

Part of me was suggesting solutions involving leaving this place, and escaping.  Even dressing up in a wig and taking on another persona completely - bizarre but true.  Maybe I was influenced by a film I'd watched last night.  I had re-watched a film, it was about trauma - I can't remember the name of the film - but the fact is I'd watched it before, but I had no memory of what happened in it - but I knew it was 'my kind of film' - i.e. I would be very interested in the content as it's trauma-related.  Yet, I had no memory of what happened in it.  That's like the part that 'rubs things out' had done that for the content of the film, and now, though I know the film was something I enjoyed, I can't remember it's title and already the contents are disappearing. 

Roxane Gay (who wrote the book 'Hunger') has this quote on the back of her book "I ate and ate and ate in the hopes that if I made myself big, my body would be safe.  I buried the girl I was because she ran into all kinds of trouble.  I tried to erase every memory of her, but she is still there, somewhere..."

That has reminded me of something she wrote in her book, and I need to ask a question in the CSA part of this forum.  I hope I find what she wrote and I hope I manage to ask my question there.

Hope  :)

hope, your determination to keep moving forward, your willingness to step up and be brave for yourself, and your continuing 'hunger' to make a change for yourself are so inspiring.  thanks for sharing all that you go thru.  you are impressive.  love and hugs :hug:

 :hug:

I'll be sending you good wishes for the weekend.

Hi SanMagic & Armadillo,
Thank you both.   :hug: :hug:

***********
2nd June 2021
A lot has been going on for me.  Many EF's and I've been in situations where I've been massively hyperaroused, and also hypoaroused - and therefore not in my window of tolerance.

I am trying to avoid triggers - having realised I have been stuck in some ruminating cycles.  I'm considering taking a break from technology for a while, which is something that I've done in the past, and find it is helpful to me.  So I think I might do that for a while, but I might still come here to read within the forum, but I don't know if I will also stop that for a while too - can't decide what to do for the best. 

I managed to cope on the weekend, but it was really challenging for me. 

Hope  :)

Finding ways to take care of yourself and reduce triggers is fantastic Hope.

Glad to hear you're coping, and I hope it gets easier for you soon!

If taking a break from technology is helpful for you, it sounds like a good idea to me. Even though I'll miss you, I would rather you be healthier and happier, even if it means you're not posting here.

I've found that being outside is really helpful for me now, though it wasn't always. Just an idea for you to consider along with your techno-break.

:hug: all the best to you Hope, take care. :)

Thinking of you Hope.  EFs and managing triggers are challenges.  I hope you find some rest and ease. 

 :hug: :hug: Hope.

Dear Armadillo, Jazzy, Rainydiary & Blueberry,
Thank you all for what you said, and hugs to you all  :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

************
10th June 2021
I am feeling very emotional this morning.  Such a mixture of emotions.  I'm feeling many of them too, and not dissociating from the feelings.  So that's different for me, and it's ok.

Lots of things have been going on for me in my life this past few weeks.  I'm making some changes in my life, and sorting some things out.  But it's been hard to do that. 

I only partially managed to take a break from technology this time, as I must admit that I found it helpful to come here and just read things now and then - and especially I went into the other forum 'Out of the Fog' in the past couple of days, because I had needed to read things about contact from PD people in my family, and it was refreshing to read some posts there, which made me feel less confused, and I wanted to write a couple of notes here, to remind me of topics that were helpful:

There was a post about how living in a narcissistic family environment was much like living in a cult
I related to that a lot.

Potential trigger warning, not sure what I am going to write - but mentioning Narcisstic abuse

I also read some posts where the Narcisstic person would just send abusive communciations.  I had such a communication recently - it sent me reeling, but I felt some anger too.  That is good for me to notice that I was able to feel anger about it, as often I think that things are my fault, and I feel like my subservient part who is very submissive just feels as if she is burdened, but I had a more angry defensive reaction, and thought 'No, this is not something I should feel I need to take'.

Interesting, as I write this, I feel less emotional. 

Anyway, something that helped me in the night was imagining that we are all boats in a sea, and that when one of us gets into difficulties, that the other boats around us can see our distress, and they send out help in the form of an anchor, or they change position to shield the struggling boat from harm.  I imagined that all of us here in Out of the Storm were in those boats, and helping one another.  It was just something that helped me at a certain point in the night.

I've also noticed that I get tinnitus really badly when I'm stressed.  So I'm trying to do things to de-stress and stay in a window of tolerance that is neither hyper-aroused or hypo-aroused.  Sometimes, I'm better at it than other times.    My tinnitus is bad today though.

I am so grateful that these support forums are here. 

I did share the contents of the communication that caused me distress with a friend of mine, and she said it was abusive.  That the whole content of it was abusive.  That was validating to hear someone say that so clearly.  I needed to hear that said by someone whose perspective I value.  I was grateful to have a friend I could share that with, and who was supportive.  My partner also, who is my main support, has been completely supportive and was shocked at the contents of the communication.  I am also shocked.  But at the same time, not surprised.

Anyway, I wrote more than I thought I would today, and I think my parts are ok that I've shared these things here.

Hope  :)

Hope, I appreciate you sharing.  I find the OOTF forum helpful too.  I love the image of the boats.  I am with you on the journey of feeling emotions and seeing communications for what they are. 

 :hug:

I adore what you said about the boats. It does feel like that.

I am super proud too to read that anger spoke up for you after the abusive email from your FOO. And that your emotions are coming through too. I bet it feels really powerful!

And I know it isn't easy to seek support and understanding from people around us and you did that with your friend and spouse!   :cheer:

Thank you Rainydiary & Armadillo  :hug: :hug:

13th June 2021

I have had so many emotions regarding the communication I had from my NM, and I was thankful to find this article, that I read and which helped me yesterday:

It's called '11 signs you have an emotionally abusive mother' - and I wanted to keep it here in my journal, so I can re-read it if I need to.

https://www.regain.us/advice/parenting/11-signs-you-have-an-emotionally-abusive-mother/

What it helped me do was 'feel some anger' about the communication that she'd sent me.  A friend of mine (whom I shared the contents with) said that it was entirely abusive, and there was just so much and indeed so many issues that she brought up.  Each one hurt me - but I hadn't really felt anger till last night, and actually it helpful to me to feel that.

I realise that this recent contact from her has made me feel ill in some ways.  But I am hoping that I can maintain some equilibrium and get through this.  Negotiate my way forwards. 

I have some parts that internally criticise me and tell me that I'm a 'bad daughter', and I feel societal expectations - or at least my perceptions that society and other people won't understand.  Afterall, I've tried to protect my dysfunctional family by not talking about what was happening, and portraying a coping face to the world, so how could they understand???  I've hidden it from others, and in many respects I've hidden it from myself, as I recognise fragmented parts of myself are holding different thoughts and feelings about it.

I don't know what my relative is likely to do, as she seems to be aggressive and attacking in her words.  I am fearful in some respects, but I have to tell myself that I'm safe.  But of course it doesn't feel so safe. 

Difficult.

Hope  :)

Hope, this reflection really resonates with me as I navigate my relationship to my family.  I appreciate you bringing up the point about how we present a certain image of ourselves and our family to others especially by not naming what is really happening.  I too am working my way through my version of this and trying to not criticize myself based on societal expectations.  I wish you well each step you make. 

hope, i think protecting our abusers is something many of us do.  i also think it could come from a place of our own feelings of being bad, being wrong, somehow not being ok as we are.  whatever the reason, your newfound ability to get mad, to speak your truth about them, and to find some comfort here on the forum are all signs, to me, of the amount of growth you've accomplished in your own recovery.  bad daughter?  nope, not for a moment.  a healthier you?  yes, by all means. :yes:

i'm so glad you find the support you need here, my dear.  i feel the same way.  keep on truckin', hope.  sending love and a hug filled with an antidote to self-doubt. :hug:

Hope  :hug:

Anger is good and appropriate in this situation and I am proud of you for feeling it. I wish you did not have to feel fearful of this person's behavior and I hope you are safe.

Thank you for sharing this article. It made a tear roll down my cheek.

Quote from: Hope67 on June 13, 2021, 11:40:05 AM
I have some parts that internally criticise me and tell me that I'm a 'bad daughter', and I feel societal expectations - or at least my perceptions that society and other people won't understand.  Afterall, I've tried to protect my dysfunctional family by not talking about what was happening, and portraying a coping face to the world, so how could they understand???  I've hidden it from others, and in many respects I've hidden it from myself, as I recognise fragmented parts of myself are holding different thoughts and feelings about it.

I agree with what San said, "Bad daughter? Nope, not for a moment. A healthier you? Yes, by all means."

Part of survival seems to be putting on a mask, and looking like everything is okay. It gets confusing. In my case, I was so fragmented that for parts of me that seemed true. Also, others see a very different picture of reality. I know that adds to my own confusion.
:hug:

18th June 2021
I am in tears now.  I started off feeling as if I was ok.  I was replying to some people's journals, and I realise I'm not able to really cope with the emotions that are coming up.  I know it's been a lot this last few days, and I've felt really unwell in myself.  I did read the things you wrote here in my journal, and I want to thank you all for writing, I wanted to do that individually and by name, but I'm too upset to focus myself.

I can write though, and as I write, the tears are stopping, and I just have the wet cheeks.  I'll go and blow my nose.

OK, back again.  I think I just need to write out whatever comes out just now, and leave it there...  I'll try not to worry too much about 'what' I write.

So, the last few days, I've felt awful - I can't put into words how it was, but it was tough to get through the days.  My brain is shutting down, as I write this, I can't continue.  There's a part of me that doesn't want me to write about it.

I'll have to stop and see if I can continue later in the day, or another day.

Hope  :)

 :grouphug: I care about you.

 :hug:

I wish you were not hurting so badly right now. We are here when you are ready to write more be it one word, nonsense, or several paragraphs. No judgement no expectations.

Hi Hope,

I'm sorry things are difficult. I also know what you mean about the emotions coming up and crying and needing a break.

I think that's good though. I've found tears to be so healing recently, and I hope it is the same for you.

I'm really impressed that you identified you needed a break, and acted to take care of yourself (by taking that break). That's great!  :cheer:

Jazzy <3

Hello again Hope.

I just rediscovered my old journal, and just wanted to thank you for all of the lovely, supportive comments you wrote for me in the past.

Hoping you are OK and looking forward to seeing you again when you feel ready.

 :hug: sending much love and comfort Hope! Sorry I've been MIA so long I've been struggling too.  Life is hard right now know I'm thinking about you and you're in my heart.  Sending more hugs of comfort  and calm. :hug: :hug:

Thank you all for your kind comments, and I really appreciate each and every one of them.  They mean a lot.   :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

7th July 2021
I was unable to post here for a while, as things were too jumbled and many parts of myself were experiencing different things, and therefore there was such a lot to process and work through.  But, I am glad to be able to write here today.  Actually I feel stronger in myself - even though I have been feeling so many more emotions, and working through so many things.

Some imagery from 'The Secret Garden' came to my mind many times in recent days - when I wasn't able to post, I felt as if I was in a fountain in the centre of the garden, but protected by a massive glass bubble - hence able to see everyone in the garden, and see the plants, animals and people, but unable to interact with any of them.  It was strange to think that - maybe it was representative of dissociation, but I don't know - it's just what came to my mind.

I no longer feel trapped behind the glass bubble though - I feel like I could walk through the garden and interact there now.  So that's positive and I feel freer for that feeling.

Hope  :)

 :hug:

Welcome back Hope.

I'm glad you were able to write, Hope, and I'm glad you're feeling stronger in yourself. :hug:

 :hug: sending a warm hug to all the parts that want it. Glad your back and feeling stronger.  :)  :hug:

Welcome back, Hope! :hug: I'm glad you're feeling stronger and that you managed to work through difficult things. Way to go! Though of course I'm really sorry you had to deal with those difficult things at all.

That feeling of being stuck behind glass, able to see others but not interact with them - I've had that before too though not recently. I'm glad you're feeling freer now.  :)

Quote from: Hope67 on March 31, 2021, 06:32:19 PM
I had my vaccine the other day - it was as if my smaller parts (a couple of them) believed that I was being poisoned, and that I might die.  I really feared I might.  Thankfully I have been ok, but I have felt some side-effects, and my arm has been very sore.  I was helped by seeing that Bach had mentioned experiencing flashbacks as a result of having the vaccine.  I felt less alone with my experiences knowing that.

I know this was a few months ago, Hope, but I want to thank you for posting this. I was wondering if anyone else experienced vaccine flashbacks, and what you've written matches my experience. I even told H that it was like parts felt they were being poisoned. I think I'll quote what you've written in my journal as I found it very helpful. :hug:

Quote from: Snowdrop on July 08, 2021, 06:52:01 PM

Quote from: Hope67 on March 31, 2021, 06:32:19 PM
I had my vaccine the other day - it was as if my smaller parts (a couple of them) believed that I was being poisoned, and that I might die.  I really feared I might.  Thankfully I have been ok, but I have felt some side-effects, and my arm has been very sore.  I was helped by seeing that Bach had mentioned experiencing flashbacks as a result of having the vaccine.  I felt less alone with my experiences knowing that.

I know this was a few months ago, Hope, but I want to thank you for posting this. I was wondering if anyone else experienced vaccine flashbacks, and what you've written matches my experience. I even told H that it was like parts felt they were being poisoned.

Hope, I can't remember if I saw and responded to your getting an EF after the vaccine and having a sore arm. I hope I did  :hug: :hug: in retrospect if not. With the second jab I got a pretty sore arm too and was bit more EF-y than I was the first time around. I didn't have any kind of clear reaction - like feeling as if I was being poisoned, but I know I had a whole traumatic situation around a blood draw as a small child and the vaccination is similar enough to trigger me: needle in arm. So now you know too, Snowdrop. I hope you're feeling better again if your vaccination was recent :hug:

11th July 2021
I am hoping to respond to things people have written to me, but today, I can't focus on much, except that I've been triggered by one of my partner's relatives yesterday and I am still upset about that.  It has really triggered me.  I want to express some angst about it here and this  :aaauuugh: expresses it very well.

I found the person's behaviour to be extremely judgemental against me - and not understanding - and I feel angry about it.  I've told one of my friends about it, and I wanted to just write something here.  My partner knows how I feel.  He understands.  So does my friend. 

I never share much about my family situation, and so I know my in-law doesn't have much to go on, but I really object to judgemental statements being made.  It makes me angry  :aaauuugh:

One thing I've noticed is that I am in touch more with 'anger' and 'shame' - and that has been coming up over past weeks.  I've been in touch with many emotions.  I am feeling so much more. 

I really want to catch up properly with everyone here, and I hope to come over to other people's journals in the coming days, but right now - I'm still seething about my in-law's behaviour.   :aaauuugh:

Interesting, that writing about this has amused another part of myself - possibly a teenage part, who is laughing at the icon showing the  :aaauuugh:  - so maybe I am not so bothered anymore - having written this here. 

Thank you for listening - if you've read this.

Also thank you so much for those of you who have written things in my journal - I do intend to come back to what you wrote, when I'm a bit calmer and able to process things better.

Hope  :)

I read your post, Hope. I hope you feel better for writing. I'm glad your partner and friend understand. :hug:

Hi Hope!

I'm glad you felt enough energy to write and express the situation.  :cheer:

QuoteOne thing I've noticed is that I am in touch more with 'anger' and 'shame' - and that has been coming up over past weeks.  I've been in touch with many emotions.  I am feeling so much more. 

So glad you are "feeling" although I know the feelings are difficult and tough to live through and with. Just want you to know that you've made a lot of progress. I know it doesn't feel "good" but it will lead to a better place.  :hug:

It's very nice to see your presence here again, Hope67. I also trust it's okay to leave a brief reaction to your note that a teen part of you was perhaps able to help you see the futility of reasoning about the incident with your in-law, and was able to provide the best 'wisdom' of all, just by laughing about it. :bigwink:

No, I'm not suggesting that laughing things off is always the best response. I'm mostly just glad that one of your inner parts nudged you to consider that way to respond.       Nonetheless It's often helped me, not just in lessening triggering moments or memories, but in projecting the attitude that there really is no way to make sense of the senseless. Laughter works mysteriously, and in response to those sorts of situations and people, sometimes is indeed the best salve for the wound; even if the laugh is rendered silently.

For years I just tried to live with the shame until the lightbulb came on, and I could only laugh. Again, not laughing it away -- that stuff all happened. As stated, though, it also had an absurdity to it that my instinct to cry was replaced with laughter; which cleared the mind's cobwebs. With one exception for me -- I've never been able to muster a laugh about what my m did to me. Perhaps it's just the should-have-been closeness/tenderness that was entirely absent from her.

Okay, enough of my yapping  :Idunno:  :blahblahblah: Just welcoming you back here and hoping you can continue moving past the recent setback. To help you, I want to leave you with this ~~~  :hug: ... better than laughter, even.

Hi Hope!!  :grouphug:

12th July 2021

I am so grateful to everyone who has commented in my journal during the recent months (and indeed in the entirety of the past), as I've appreciated what each of you have said so much.  Thank you  :grouphug:

Something that particularly struck me was when Armadillo said (back on 10th June) that 'anger spoke up for you' regarding the abusive E-mail I'd received from my FOO member.  She also mentioned 'emotions coming through too' - and I completely agree - the emotions have been coming through, and I have been feeling them stronger than I would ever have before.   Armadillo, your comments are much appreciated by me, thank you  :hug:

SanMagic7 kindly spoke to me of showing a 'healthier' me, and I valued hearing that very much.  Thank you  :hug:

Tee - thank you so much for the warm hug to all the parts that wanted it - there were many parts that did, and I very much appreciated your kindness of that hug  :hug:

Blueberry and Snowdrop - thank you for sharing your experiences of the vaccine and flashbacks related to that.  It was interesting to hear that you also thought that some of your parts felt as if they'd been poisoned (Snowdrop) and that you experienced the sore arm (Blueberry). 

Blueberry - thank you also for what you said about also feeling 'stuck behind glass' - as that made me feel less alone with that experience, and I felt validated.   :hug:

Snowdrop - yes, I did feel better for writing things out the other day - and for using the  :aaauuugh: symbol.  It was definitely helpful.

BeeKeeper - Yes!  'Feeling' more and noticing 'progress' - and your comment about those things leading to a better place - I am already feeling that is happening.  Although it's felt very dire at times.

Woodsgnome - thank you for the hug and welcome back  :hug:  Thank you for your wise words about laughter and for sharing your experience of that in your own journey - I found it very helpful to hear what you said about a part of me that felt able to use laughter as a way to cope - I am so grateful that part of me is there - there are many very serious parts that need to lighten up (in my view) although I respect completely their desire to protect me and keep me safe.  But all my parts are working together, and each in their way, doing valuable things.  It's good to hear how you were able to spot that part of me, and validate its role with the laughter.

Armadillo - thanks again for that welcome and the group hug  :grouphug:

************
So, I'm going to write myself a few notes to remind me of things I want to catch up on:

I'd like to venture into other people's journals and catch-up - but I am still very focused on getting through the day and to some degree still over-whelmed by things going on - so I need to pace this.

I'd like to update on the book I was reading - sensori-motor psychotherapy - and things I wanted to say about it - I can say it has definitely been helpful, and I've learned things and experienced things as a result of trying some of the work-sheets.

I would like to start reading Carolyn Spring's book entitled 'Shame' BUT I feel a bit scared (or parts of myself feel a bit scared) of venturing into that area.  So I'm not sure if it's a good time for me yet to do this.  Not sure.

I know I have a lot of stressful things going on in my day to day life at present.  I am reluctant to say what they are, as I am aware that I have highly anxious parts who don't want me to divulge things.  They are extra hyper-vigilant.  They are concerned I don't share too much. 

I think my FOO's previous communications really caused me to retreat into a very defensive pose - and I'm still scared of potential 'attack' (if that makes sense). 

Hope  :)

HI hope! :wave:

I'm so glad to hear that your emotions are coming through more now!

All the other things you mentioned are important points to. I hope you find the time to explore them further, and share more if you are able.

Thanks Jazzy  :heythere:  I appreciate your comments. 
Hope  :)

Hope,

Hats off to doing a great job to being you!  :applause:

I love that goal of pacing yourself! So important. I like the fact that you acknowledge where you are, and how you might have gotten there. I like that you want to read certain things, but are cautious about timing. Most of all, you are the first one that used the Internal Family System idea of "parts" and since then, years ago, it's helped me learn and open up to better possibilities!

A good strong and warm  :hug: from me to you.

Bee Keeper,
Thank you so much, I felt that good strong and warm hug, and reciprocate it  :hug:

Yes, I am attempting to pace myself.  Thanks also for the things you said - I am glad that you have also found 'parts' to be helpful and that the Internal Family System has opened up possibilities in your own life.  I have certainly found it helpful in mine.  I think Richard Schwartz has written a new book - something like 'There are No Bad Parts' as the title (but I'm not sure if that's the title, as I've not double checked) - but I'm thinking of buying it to have a read. 

Hope   :)

I bought "No Bad Parts" last week, Hope, and I'm finding it helpful. It's out on Kindle, so it could be worth downloading a sample to see what you think. :hug:

Hi Snowdrop,
That is great.  I have pre-ordered the book - I think it's due to be despatched in August sometime, but I will try to have a look at a section from Kindle in the meantime.   Thank you.  I'm really glad to hear you're finding it helpful.  I am excited to read it, when the time comes.   :hug:

Hope  :)

So good to have you back again, Hope.
We shared a lot of family of origin issues when we talked previously, and I'm sorry that things aren't much improved for you.

It's such a hard journey, isn't it? But at least we are here for each other.

Dear Libby,
Thank you - I missed you too, and it's good to catch up with you again.  I remember sharing a lot of family of origin issues with you, and it's good that we are able to connect along the journey of dealing with stuff like that.  Being here for each other is meaningful, and thank you  :hug:

************
18th July 2021
I think that some things are shifting and changing for me at the moment.  I don't know how to describe it really.  I don't think I'll try for the moment, and maybe words will come more easily at another time.  But I wanted to reflect on that briefly here - that I have noticed some changes.  I think they are changes for the better, so that's a good thing. 

Hope  :)

Hope, I can relate to that feeling of shift while also not being sure how to describe.  I will be thinking of you as you explore and consider and reflect. 

Thanks Rainydiary.

************
18th July 2021
I've had a very draining and challenging situation to deal with today, but I got through it, and I think I was able to set some boundaries with someone.  So that was a good outcome.  But I feel very tired now.  It took a lot out of me.

I am going to try to rest and focus on something else, to take my mind off going over it again, because I've managed to cope, and I can't really do much more with what I did.

Part of me wants to write more, but another part of me is resistant to that, so I'll wait till I can write more - when I've had a rest.
Hope  :)

hey, hope,

i so get the idea of wanting to be here, yet not having the energy to do so because of whatever else is happening in our lives.  i've been mostly out the past few months, and, yes, pacing is a good word for it.  sometimes life is overwhelming, or one thing piles up on another, and we only have so much energy to deal with it all.  we are here for you no matter what.  your priorities are important for your well-being, and that is totally respected here.

congrats on the boundary-setting.  yep, it certainly can take a whole lot out of us when we tackle something like that.  well done, hope!  love and hugs :hug:

 :hug:

I wish for things to continue shifting in a positive way for you and I think it sounds like you've done a pretty admirable job of staying mostly steady after the abusive communications from your FOO. I know it took a big toll but also I feel this strength and resilience coming through too.

And great job setting boundaries and not second guessing yourself much.  :cheer:

:grouphug:

Hi SanMagic, It's good to see you here again, I will be hoping to catch up with your journal again soon.  Thank you so much for the love and hugs, I appreciate them, and I appreciate you and your support so much.  Thank you   :hug:  I think of you on days like today, when it's really hot and sunny, and remember your kind suggestions on how to keep cooler and cope with the heat - you've helped me so much with that.  Plus many other things you've said. 

Hi Armee,  Thank you for that validation, it means a lot to hear that.  Also pointing out I wasn't second-guessing myself too much, that was a realisation I hadn't thought about, but it does make sense, and I am also cheering myself alongside you for noticing that - thank you  :cheer:  Thanks also for the group hug  :grouphug:

***********
19th July 2021
Coping with the heat - I'm not very good with heat, but I'm doing my best to keep cool and cope. 

Interesting that now I sit here to write something, words have gone again.  But that's ok.  I'll come back when I have words to say.

Hope  :)

I am experiencing a lot of anxiety today.  I have managed also to lock myself out of a banking app, and that was down to being in an EF and just not being able to think or put stuff together.  The numbers just went out of my mind, and my brain locked shut.  That's how it felt.  I'm aware that the situation I handled on Sunday was actually really stressful after the event, in that I have ended up really getting mixed feelings from different parts of myself about what happened.  So really, I don't think I've been able to handle it smoothly at all.  But at least I did handle it.

I'm going to try to put together a few notes regarding my feelings, whilst not attributing them to specific parts, just letting them out here - and I think my parts are ok with that, we'll see.

Part of me feels very anxious, frightened and upset about certain things that were said. 
Part of me feels exposed.
Part of me feels worried.
Part of me feels like I did handle things ok, and was proud of me that I did so.

**Trigger warning, mentioning death - but not in actively suicidal way
Part of me is offering me a way out that involves literally dying - that part of me offers that as a solution, but I know that it's not a way out that I or any other parts wish to choose.

Part of me wants me to hide away and not face things.

Part of me has hurt my tummy - I have pains there.
Part of me has hurt my feet.

(These pains are in different places to where I experienced pains previously, it used to be more consistently in my left temple area of my head, and the left side of my head - but now it's focused more on my feet and also my tummy today).

***Further trigger warning as mentioning things that are potentially upsetting/triggering

Whilst I'm able to write things, I want to mention that I've had flashbacks of things - memories from the past (this was in recent weeks) - it was as if I was gritting my teeth hard whilst something was happening that I didn't like.  I can remember the tension (extreme) in my neck and jaw and my teeth biting together, and yet I can't remember what was actually happening to make me do that.  I just know it happened a lot, but I don't know at what age I was, and what was happening. 

I know I will hopefully be able to sort out the bank app by a visit to the bank itself.  But I feel like that's the only way I could handle it, as if I tried to sort it out by phone, I'd end up not being able to remember security questions etc - as my brain would just freeze and I'd be unable to process things or remember things.  I feel helpful in that respect, and it bothers me.  But I recognise it as something I need to handle and deal with.  I will.

There's been so many stressful things going on in my life this past few weeks, and my partner said that stress is high.  He is understanding, and supportive, and we are both stressed by these things.  Hopefully it will be ok, and we're getting through things. 

I've noticed that I'm actually feeling hunger more often in recent days, which is strange as I rarely feel that or know when I'm hungry, but I feel it strongly. 

As I write, I feel tension in my stomach.  But I also notice that I am relaxing a bit as I write these things out here, and that is helping.

Part of me worries about the fact I've written so much, but I feel the need to get it out here, and it's helping me.  So I'm doing it.

:pissed: is how one of the parts is feeling, and as I express that I feel pain in my nose. 

I know that I triggered myself a lot today, not only by what had happened on the weekend, but because I'd been reading some things - and I think I was dissociating and feeling overloaded, and then things felt too much.  But I'm ok.  Writing this out, it's helping. 

Hope  :)

Hope, I read your entry and could relate as I have locked myself out of a banking account and it is a really triggering thing.  I appreciate you articulating all that is coming up.  It made me think "we can hold so much as an individual that is contradictory while each part is important."  I hope that you find ways to give each part what it needs and find some ease for yourself. 

I'm glad writing it out has helped, Hope. I'm always impressed by the way you listen to your parts and respect them. :hug:

What you wrote wasn't too much, Hope. Write what is helpful for you and we learn, too from what you are able to write. And I also learn when you respect that you don't have things to write, too.  :grouphug:

Your flashback sounds distressing and I'm sorry you don't know what was happening to you. 😔

And I just want to say I have forgotten bank and work security card passwords often. Anytime my brain is in the "wrong" place when I try to enter a password it just disappears never to return to my memory even when my brain is back into the "right" place. And it is upsetting because it seems to reaffirm this belief that something is wrong with me. So big hugs and I completely relate to not wanting to do it on the phone for fear that you'll blank on more critical information.

Quote from: Snowdrop on July 19, 2021, 06:44:38 PM
I'm glad writing it out has helped, Hope. I'm always impressed by the way you listen to your parts and respect them. :hug:

:yeahthat:

Hope, I forget all kinds of passwords. I always feel embarrassed when I have to ask for a new one from my professional association, though I'm sure the whole system is automated so nobody even notices. Anyway, just want to let you know you're not alone there. I understand that it's upsetting and stressful though, especially as it's your bank account.

Yes! You handled the situation on the weekend :cheer:  Whether smoothly or not. Maybe it was even smooth for the parts of you involved but doesn't feel that way for other parts now? Anyway I think the main part is handling it at all. Smoothly for all parts can come some other time.  :hug:

Please try and be gentle with yourself.  :)

Hope,

I wish we could just hang out at a little kitchen table by an open window with white lace type curtains in the afternoon with a gentle breeze blowing through. There would be a pond outside with a couple ducks and frogs nearby. Red-winged blackbirds & scarlet taningers would periodically zoom by.  A faint multicolored rainbow appears in the sky, slowly opening up the gray to it's delightful hues. We both sigh gently.

Hope,

I wanted you to know that I just read your journal for the first time and it's made such a positive impact on me today.  The way you write feels very natural and free and feels soothing to me to read.  I've had a highly stressful day today but getting to know you a bit through your writing has helped calm me down.

I am inspired by how in tune you are with your Self and your parts, and how you are able to identify your emotions, or pains in certain areas of your body.  I also think you show tremendous courage in how you listen to your parts and choose to sit with your feelings, even when they are uncomfortable.

Finally, there was something in particular you wrote that I wanted to mention.

Quote from: Hope67 on June 10, 2021, 09:35:33 AMAnyway, something that helped me in the night was imagining that we are all boats in a sea, and that when one of us gets into difficulties, that the other boats around us can see our distress, and they send out help in the form of an anchor, or they change position to shield the struggling boat from harm.  I imagined that all of us here in Out of the Storm were in those boats, and helping one another.  It was just something that helped me at a certain point in the night.

I just wanted to say that I thought this was a very beautiful analogy, and it made me feel comforted and safe in being part of this community.

Anyway, I hope you are well today.  Here is a hug, if that's something that feels safe and affirming for you.  :hug:

Rainydiary  Thank you for relating to my forgetting the bank account password, and it was definitely triggering for me to do that.  You mentioned that 'We can hold so much as an individual that is contradictory while each part is important' and I find that to be a very insightful comment, thank you.   :hug:

Snowdrop Thank you for commenting that I listen to my parts and respect them - that is what I try to do, and I feel like it is getting easier to do over time.  I find it really helpful reading your own process of working with your parts in your journal, I feel you are connecting with yours in ways that are so helpful to see.  :hug:

Armee Thanks for what you said about my flashback.  Also for validating and relating to the forgetting of blanking out regarding passwords and numbers  :hug:

Blueberry Thank you for what you said about not being alone in forgetting passwords.  Also, I found what you said about the situation on the weekend, and that it was smooth for some parts of me that I involved, but doesn't feel that way for other parts now - that's definitely the case, they were not all in agreement about it - it's taken a few days to settle a bit and come to some agreement that it's done, and I also like it that you said "Smoothly for all parts can come some other time" as that gives me hope that there will be times when maybe all parts might be in agreement about something, and harmony might be present for those moments.  I also appreciate you saying about being gentle with myself, and I am trying to do that.  Thank you  :hug:

BeeKeeper I read what you wrote a few times, as it was sooooo relaxing, so lovely, and I felt like I was really there with you in that scene - the kitchen table, the lace curtains, the gentle breeze.  The lovely pond with the frogs and ducks.  Those birds - more exotic than I might normally see - the red-winged blackbirds and scarlet taningers, and the multicoloured rainbow - but the feeling of a friendly presence, that mutual gentle sighing, represented immense understanding, and immense compassion too - thank you  :hug:

Zanoken  Thank you so much for coming into my journal and for sharing your reflections and thoughts.  I really appreciated everything you said, and whilst I was sorry to hear you've had a highly stressful day, I was glad that reading some things in my journal had had a calming effect.  I found your reflections on my interactions with my parts to be helpful to hear - and I am glad you liked the analogy of the boats.  Thank you for the hug, I appreciate that too, and would like to send one back to you as well, if that's ok  :hug:

************
22nd July 2021
Thank you so much everyone - your comments and kindness in my journal is really appreciated.   :grouphug:

I feel calmer today.  Whilst I still struggle with the heat, I'm managing to keep hydrated and not overdo things.  I've sorted out my bank account too, and I did that online rather than resorting to going into the bank itself.  It was ok!  I just ensured I had lots of notes written down, and just went slowly through the procedure online, and it was ok.  Thankfully my brain stayed online, to accompany the online process itself.  I was relieved to get things working again.  I am also quite pleased with myself for managing to do that.  It seems like a little thing in some ways, but actually it also feels huge.   :cheer:

I'm going to leave it there, as I am aware if I try to think of other things just now, I might cause myself to leave this happier slot of time, and I have a few things I need to do today that will require me to be focused, so I'm going to just leave it there and have a cup of coffee, and then hopefully attend to the things I need to do. 

Hope  :)

I just saw something that BeeKeeper wrote in Arnee's journal, and I found it so inspiring, that I am trying to copy and quote it here in my own Journal - I hope it works, as I've not tried to do that before, but:

Quote from: BeeKeeper on July 21, 2021, 11:26:45 PM


You're waiting for all your parts to connect.  :grouphug: they're coming.......

I hope that works ok.  I found that quote so helpful and so positive that I felt I needed it here in my Journal - so thanks to BeeKeeper and to Armee.

Hope  :)

It is definitely huge that you were able to keep your brain online to complete the bank account task. I just relate so much. It makes me feel pretty sad but also helps me remember how huge it actually is watching my husband without any childhood trauma knock out tasks without any problem. We are going through life with a pretty massive impairment and its invisible to almost everyone. So good job Hope! Little but big.

I found Bee's comment really helpful too and also something I'm having to think about a lot because I'm still confused about parts and connections and I know that my biggest challenge is in connecting brain and body and especially just accessing whatever is happening in my brain.

hope, it sounds like you're really doing well at staying focused and prioriizing.  great job! :applause:  you've come so far, it's just lovely to see. 

be careful in the heat.  don't forget electrolytes if you're sweating a lot (that's my go-to suggestion from my time in the mexican desert).  so glad for your accomplishment with the bank stuff.  you're turning into a regular mover and shaker, my dear!  yay!!!  love and hugs :hug:

Hi Armee Yes, it's definitely an issue to contend with isn't it.  Thanks for your support and saying how you relate to that.  Yes, BeeKeeper's comment is so helpful.  I really relate to what you said about being confused about parts and connections.  I find it difficult to write about the processing of those things - hence I don't really manage to do it very often - but over time, I've been making some progress in recognising and differentiating some of my parts, and also listening to them, and interacting with them (sometimes) now.  I'm noticing some benefits to having done that - and hence I'm continuing to try to process and focus on things. 

Hi SanMagic Thank you, you spoke of my staying focused and prioritizing, and it's nice to see that description.  Thank you  :hug:   Yes, I've been careful in the recent heat - I didn't need the electrolytes this time, but I have some sachets of them ready incase.  I remember your 'go-to' suggestion from your time in the mexican desert.  Mover and shaker, I like that - and thanks for the love and hugs  :hug:

*************
27th July 2021
I'm not sure what I'm going to write - I'll just see what comes out.  I realise that nighttime is a time when my parts sometimes (actually quite often) hijack and enter my body and drive my bus (I'm not going to edit what I write - but I already feel that's a weird way to put it, but one of my parts likes that description and it's apt for how it feels) - and in particular the distressed and terrorised part of myself often shows me the emotions that accompany her fears, in those moments when she's in my body - and I feel it acutely and strongly - BUT I'm no longer reacting in the way I used to - not sure what I used to do in reaction to that, but I basically NOW sit with the feeling - try to notice and be curious about it, and also try to talk to that part of myself, and tell her that I can see her presence (i.e. I'm aware of her presence) and I care about how she feels. 

I've been trying to always remember to communicate with all my parts when I'm first lying in bed, at the start of the night's sleep, and telling them I'm pleased that the day has passed, and checking in with them, and how they're doing.  I also try to do that in the daytime too.

Yesterday, I was reading Carolyn Spring's book 'Unshame' (which I thankfully found and have been reading the past few days, on and off) - it's been incredibly emotional - I relate completely to things she says, I feel like she's got such similar experiences to me, in terms of how her parts are, how she interacts with them, and I feed off the interactions she has with her therapist in her book - I feel as if me and my parts are having therapy with that same therapist, and it feels therapeutic to read that book - so much.  The chapter (possibly Chapter 2) which is about Dissociation - it made me cry a lot - or it made part of my cry.   So many, infact every chapter is relevant and helpful, and I am grateful that Carolyn wrote about her experiences and shared them in the way she has.  It is so helpful.

I've tried to pace myself, as it's had a knock-on effect in my life and reactions - I've been in tears and expressing angst and various things to my partner, and I was able to talk about a lot of things with him, and he was supportive, and I am so grateful that he is understanding.  I know it's not easy to discuss so many difficult issues - but the fact we've been able to face them in the room, and talk - it's precious to have done that.

Part of me wants me to re-write this, edit it, change words - is annoyed about what I've written.  But I say, please it's ok.  I think it's ok to write this.  That part shrugs and lets me keep it here.  That's good.

I've written enough for now.  I'll leave it there.

Hope  :)

Hi Hope.

I've been very interested in your thoughts about shame. It really is such a core feeling, isn't it? It is probably one of the main things that has controlled my entire life. I wonder if you feel the same.

I have an elderly female friend who also has, we suspect, cptsd. She passed on the book called Healing the Shame that Binds You. I don't think it's a particularly good, or well thought of book, but it helped both of us see how much of a role shame plays in our lives.

I'm glad you didn't erase what you wrote. The things you wrote are worthwhile, important to you, and helpful to me and others here.

I'm feeling like I should read that book, and probably will now after reading what you wrote here.

It's really so important that you were able to share so much with your partner and that they were able to be there with you. I'm glad that you have that support in your life.  :hug:

Hope,

I like your unedited writing. It's real and potent and "speaks to me." Your other writing does too, but there are certain phrases you use and ways you feel which allow me to get the idea quicker. In fact, what you describe laying in bed sounds exactly like me! OK, now I have a new way to think about it and possibly shorten my tossing and turning time.

It's always been so nice to hear you write about your accepting partner. WOW! I've never had that, and almost gave up, but I'm giving someone a trial run. Just the possibility is so very exciting.

Voting with Armee about John Bradshaw's book. Yours is MUCH, MUCH better. In fact, I'm going to track it down today and see if I can get my hands on it immediately.

It's hard to read even good healing books because of the feelings and thoughts that come up. But a little bit at a time is good. Congrats on continuing your journey and sharing what works for you.

Thinking of you. :hug:

Libby  Thanks for what you said about shame, and for mentioning the book that you and your friend found helpful.  I notice that it's by John Bradshaw (as Beekeeper mentioned his name) and I have enjoyed books by him in the past, but can't remember if I've read that one you mentioned or not.  I suspect that you're right about shame being a controlling factor across my entire life - it was interesting to think of that.  I think you might be right though.  I can see repeating patterns when I think of how I've reacted to things, and not been able to talk/speak about things.  Clearly feeling shame for broaching some boundaries that others might have put in place.  I need to think more about this - it's such a huge topic/issue.

Dear Libby  I also wanted to say that I hope that your Birthday was ok - I know you mentioned it - and that you weren't necessarily looking forward to it, but I thought of you, and hoped you were ok and having a nice Birthday, and I do remember you wrote some things about something you bought for yourself.  Sorry I've not come over to your journal to say this, but I'm aware that I'm beginning to edit myself, and therefore, I'm just writing things here right now.   :hug:

Armee Thank you for saying that you were glad that I didn't erase what I wrote.  I try not to do so, as I know if I listened to the part that tells me to erase things, that then I wouldn't write hardly anything, and as you can see, I do write a lot - which surprises me, as I found it so hard to write anything at all when I first joined this forum/space.    I am so glad to have my partner in my life - he has helped me in many ways. 

Regarding the book - I am aware that I get very enthusiastic sometimes about particular books - and that was one where I felt that enthusiasm.  When you said you might read it, I then worry that maybe you won't like it so much, and that my enthusiasm is inauthentic.  So, I really hope if you read it, that you find it helpful.  I thought and think it is a really powerful book in that it really spoke to many parts of me - hence I felt enthusiastic for it.

Beekeeper I am glad that some things I wrote spoke to you, because I feel that too when I read things people write here, and so it's good to know that that feeling is reciprocated back in things I write as well.  I'm glad you mentioned laying in bed, as it's reminded me of things I want to write about in a moment.  I hope you've been tossing and turning a little less often, as I know that's not nice to be doing that.

I really hope you like the book, if you're planning to read it, as I just mentioned to Armee, I can get extremely enthusiastic about a book if it speaks to parts of me, and that one felt powerful.  I've just also said to Armee that I'm a bit worried incase you won't feel the same way, but I think this is a concerned part of me communicating that.  Hopefully you'll find it helpful.

Sending hugs to you all  :hug: :hug: :hug:

3rd August 2021
At night, I've found there's a part of me that I suddenly hear very clearly crying out the words 'I'm scared' or 'I'm really scared' or 'I'm so scared' - and I hear her concern and her fear, and it's been happening for a while, and yet, even though I try to speak to her, and reassure her, I'm not sure that she actually hears me, and I'm not sure that she knows I'm there.  But I continue to try to reach her and communicate with her, and I hope that my constancy in doing that, might help her to know that I'm there, and maybe I can convince her that she's able to reach over and recognise that she's no longer in danger.

I ended up with a part of myself that was angry and defensive - and kept acting out in various ways - but I was aware of that part, and I tried to dialogue with her, and I tried to thank her for trying to stick up for me and protect me, but I was telling her that I'm no longer in the same dangers that I once was.  I am hopefully free from those, but I know she didn't believe that in many scenarios, and was constantly with me. 

My partner commented that he's noticed that I can be so close to anger very quickly sometimes.  Recognising this, I've been able to try to pause a bit, and put some distance between the flashes of anger that come over me.  I think it's because I've been getting close to what Richard Schwartz would call the exiles, and so the protector parts are coming out more.  I think that's what's happening.  Being aware of it, is helping me. 

I think that's sufficient for me to write just now, as I did end up writing more and just erased it, which is what I didn't want to be doing.  But I did.  I felt I gave too many details away, and yet, when I think about the content of what I wrote, it wasn't really identifiable, but I do recognise there's a part of me that is being hypervigilant and doesn't want me to write those things, so I'm respecting that.

Hope  :)

4th August 2021
I've started reading another book, 'Nurturing Attachments: Supporting Children Who Are Fostered or Adopted' and the author is Kim S. Golding.  Kim Golding is a Clinical Psychologist in the UK and throughout the book she gives examples of children she's looked after, and I thought it would be good for me to read this, as it is about attachments and looking at providing a safe base for children who have difficulties with attachment relationships - I feel like I want to help some of my inner child parts, and I hope that this book will help me.  I feel like I can't help some parts of myself currently until I get some understanding and help from a resource like that book.  I hope it helps.
Hope  :)

I hope it's okay to offer a brief reaction to your mention of the Golding book per adopted/foster children, and your own reflection that it might help you in working with your own parts. After all, in a way they're our own 'inner' orphans and, at least for me, it's a responsible undertaking.

Then my Icr is happy to chime in, "oh stop it -- you have nothing to offer anyone" ... until I stop Icr cold with this: "you seem to forget I worked with many disturbed kids in a pre-school program for several years. So in a way I did successfully work with 'adopted' kids, and was highly regarded for what I accomplished with them -- mainly just making them feel accepted and good about themselves.

Remembering this, and reading of the Golding book you've discovered sets me back to being less afraid to tackle my own inner children as I have started to really find IFS a promising way to relate to the many inner parts that still could stand a loving adult to fully accept them.

While I'm swamped with my own reading at the moment, I hope to get to the Golding book at some point as well.

While I'm here, I hope this is okay --  :hug:

Hi Woodsgnome,
I am very grateful for your reaction to my mention of the Golding book.  I also appreciated you sharing what your Icr said - as mine had done similar things when I mentioned the book, and I am so glad that you were able to challenge your Icr to say that you have skills from that pre-school program and could therefore use those skills and make use of the book. 

I've started reading the book, and it is really useful to me so far.  It gives so many examples and is written in a clear and comprehensive way, and I have discovered whilst reading it that my inner children are attending to things - both in terms of reminding me of situations similar to some of the things that are written about, and also that they are pleased that I'm attempting to help them by reading about attachment and parenting styles that will be helpful to them.  I have one inner child/part who swears a lot - and hearing that part speak whilst I'm reading, and hearing her say swear words about stuff she remembers about my FOO's behaviour - there is also a part of me that actually finds that amusing and laughs.  I am not meaning that I'm laughing at her, but 'with' her - and that there's some camaraderie there.  I think you understand that Woodsgnome because you've spoken about humour in the past, and I've related to what you've said about that.  Anyway, I am grateful to you for sharing your thoughts, and that you're considering reading the book - I think it will be useful - I hope so.  I am very glad I'm reading it.  I got it out of my library, so it was easy to get hold of.  I know you're swamped with other reading right now though, so take your time to get to it, when the time is right. 

Thank you also for the hug, and sending one also to you  :hug:

**********
7th August 2021
Each day this week, something challenging has happened, and I've been surprised that I'm managing to cope with things.  Because I didn't realise so many things could happen in one week.  But I am doing ok, and I am coping, and that feels positive.   I have a lot of things to deal with next week - but I'm going to do my best to methodically work through them and tackle them.  I feel stronger in myself.  I hope this feelings stays.

I think the book about attachments and parenting is going to be really helpful to me. 

Last night, I heard a part of myself say very clearly 'It's all gone wrong' and she said 'It shouldn't be like this' - and I know she was referring to how my life turned out, and I know that she (the young part) has felt a lot of responsibility for things, and thought she could control things and make them right, but she couldn't, and I need to communicate to her that noone could have managed things to make them right, as there were so many factors that were just plain wrong, and difficult to negotiate and deal with, and she was a child.  She's not responsible.  I need to try to tell her those things, but so far she just says things and I don't feel I am communicating with her, but I think she does hear me.  Or at least she knows I'm there.  I think so.

Hope  :)

Hope, I am glad to read this update and how you faced challenges and heard parts of yourself.  I hope it all integrates well and that you continue to find what works best for you.   :hug:

I would keep telling this part, even if you're not sure if you're communicating. If you get the sense she does know you're there, she probably does and that in and of itself is helpful. You can keep building on that.  :hug:

 :hug:

Hi Rainydiary, Owl25 and SanMagic,
Thank you all  :hug: :hug: :hug:

Owl - I found it helpful what you wrote about my part, it made sense, and it was helpful.  Thank you.

**********
16th August 2021
Just glad to have made it back here, in my Journal, as it's been really busy and I've found it difficult to get chance to come here to write and to read - and now I'm here, I feel like I don't know what to say, so I'll hope to come back when I am more free to speak.
Hope  :)

Hi Hope,

Glad you're back. I wanted you to know I've got Internal Family Systems Therapy second edition from 2020 and am through 4 chapters: The Origins, Individuals as Systems, The Self and Burdens.

In some ways it's a slow slog, but I am keeping an open mind so I can absorb as much as possible. I don't claim to know a single thing yet, but this is what happened with me. I refer to your post a while back about a young part that says things, but doesn't listen to you yet.

When I thought about a former "friend" and how we used to interact, it was really upsetting. I tried to stay with it and look and listen to anything that came to mind. Something vulnerable and kind of young seemed to be there, but no matter what I couldn't access. Later something else came up, and that part was still hanging around. Instead of trying to define, communicate or even "see", never mind listen, I decided to just wait. After a while, several days, it seemed as though this part came more into focus. I think I wanted to assign some characteristics and that didn't work. When I "let" it come to me, it took a totally different form, and now, although we are not speaking yet, we can just "be" together for a while without expectations.

You've had more experience with this process than I do. I acknowledge this might be ramblings and totally meaningless (except to me) but thought I'd throw it out there.

Continue to take care of yourself.  :hug:

just looking in to say hi, hope.  sounds like you continue to move forward with your progress.   :applause:  kudos, too, for managing those challenges.  way to go! :thumbup:  love and hugs :hug:

Quote from: BeeKeeper on August 16, 2021, 10:12:54 PM


In some ways it's a slow slog, but I am keeping an open mind so I can absorb as much as possible. I don't claim to know a single thing yet, but this is what happened with me. I refer to your post a while back about a young part that says things, but doesn't listen to you yet.

When I thought about a former "friend" and how we used to interact, it was really upsetting. I tried to stay with it and look and listen to anything that came to mind. Something vulnerable and kind of young seemed to be there, but no matter what I couldn't access. Later something else came up, and that part was still hanging around. Instead of trying to define, communicate or even "see", never mind listen, I decided to just wait. After a while, several days, it seemed as though this part came more into focus. I think I wanted to assign some characteristics and that didn't work. When I "let" it come to me, it took a totally different form, and now, although we are not speaking yet, we can just "be" together for a while without expectations.

Hi BeeKeeper,
Thanks so much for this.  I did read that book a long while back, and I also found it quite complicated to read.  I'm hoping to get the book he's written called 'No Bad Parts' but so far Amazon haven't been able to get it to me.  I will persevere.  I like Janina Fisher's book about Fragmented Selves more in terms of understanding my parts, but Richard Schwartz's work on parts is something I really want to try out further. 

What you said about waiting for your part, and enabling the communication to open up, I feel sure that is a good way - Owl also suggested that the part knows I can hear her, and that's helpful too. 

I've been more aware in the night of different parts communicating - and I tend to try to bring conscious processing to that experience by remembering what Janina Fisher had suggested in terms of acknowledging that I've been triggered, and being mindful of the experience, and therefore unblending from the part's behaviour/actions and being curious about it, and even trying to communicate, but I have to be careful at night, as I am tired at such times, and should be sleeping. 

It's interesting that when I attempt to talk about this - I feel as if I'm tangled up and can't really communicate what I want to say properly, but yet, when I re-read what I write, it looks ok.  Interesting.

Thanks for the hug BeeKeeper and here's one for you  :hug:

Hi SanMagic  Thank you so much for the love and hugs, and for popping by - here's some hugs back for you  :hug: :hug:

***********
18th August 2021

I've been reading more of the book about 'Nurturing Attachments' by Kim S. Golding, and it's proving to be just what I need at the moment, in terms of some quality time for my younger parts - and whilst I read it, they are aware and attending to the fact that I'm attempting to read things that relate to experiences they've had, and getting support from the person who wrote the book, about how to parent them, and how to meet their needs.  I'm not sure how much I'll be able to do this, but I've related to so many of the examples written in the book, and it's addressed quite a bit about 'shame' which I've been interested in.  I'm going to continue through the book, and then maybe put a few key things in my journal to remind me of things that were helpful, as I know I will need to return the book to the library at some point soon. 

Hope  :)

Hi Hope-
Just FYI, No Bad Parts is available on the google play store as an ebook for around $10 or so. That's how I got it and I just read it in my browser. I prefer hard copy books, but I had enough google credit to make it about $2 for myself. I'm only a few chapters in, but it's very useful so far. Hope you like it!

Hi CactusFlower,
Thank you - I did consider the digital version, but I also prefer hard copy books, so I'm going to hope it will be released sometime soon.  I think it might not be much longer.  I am really glad you're finding it to be very useful so far, and I look forward to catching up, and reading it sometime in the near future. 
Hope  :)

hope, your determination, perseverance, and strength are so evident as you continue to push forward with your healing.  you are an inspiration.  love and hugs :hug:

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much  :hug: 

********
26th August 2021
Recently I have been selling some items, and it's involved phone calls, and meetings with people, and that's been stressful for me, BUT I've managed to do it, and I've also managed to sell my items for reasonable prices, and feel good about that.

I'm trying to set some boundaries for myself regarding my relationships with some people (not mentioning who they are, as embarrassed to be trying to carve out boundaries with them).  It's not easy to do that, but I think it's necessary. 

I've finished reading the book about 'Nurturing Attachments' - I found it very emotional to be on the final page of that book, and the triggering aspects of any kind of ending brought strong emotions to the fore. 

I've had more nighttime issues happening - it's like some of my parts think I'm not very well, and then it panics them.  It's hard to sometimes keep myself rational to know that it's their fears, and not infact that I am unwell.  I am ok in the daytime! 

Remembering some feelings from last night, I felt as if there was a tight band around my middle, just under my ribs, and that was frightening.  My partner said I was restless and talking in my sleep quite a lot last night.  Maybe selling things, and making changes with my relationships (boundaries) is more stressful than I realise.  I know it is - but somehow it doesn't always feel significant.

There was quite a bit written about shame in the Nurturing Attachments book - I might have another look and maybe share some notes in the 'shame' area - so writing myself a note to remember to do that (providing it still feels like something I want to do).

There's a part of me just now who is urging me that I'm over explaining myself, and why do I do that.  It's annoying another part of myself. 

A younger part of me wants to remind me of something that Bach wrote recently that had really touched her emotions - Bach had spoken about her younger self and described some things about how she felt, and it resonated so strongly with a young part of myself.  I wanted to say that to Bach, but felt unable to do so - so now I'm just writing it here to remind myself that maybe that younger part will allow me to pop over to Bach's journal sometime and share that with her. 

Hope  :)

hey, hope,

i have really come to appreciate the idea of boundaries, especially with people i'm close to.  my D and i have some in place, put there from the beginning, and as we continue living together, we discover, every so often, another subject/word/trigger that needs to be eliminated.  for me, it's all about respect - respect for ourselves and respect for others.  i give you a lot of credit for looking into this in your own relationships.   :thumbup:

those kinds of changes, especially with relationships, i have found to be quite stressful, actually.  more so, as you mentioned, than i might realize at the time.  like you, i don't always tend to think what's happened is significant, so i kind of brush it away at the time.  but, yep, it'll come back to upset me in some way, shape, or form.  keep going - i think you're making wonderful progress.  love and hugs, my dear. :hug:

Hello Hope  :hug:

Selling stuff, contact with strangers, money negotiations, boundary formation..just one of those would be plenty. Taken together that's a lot of new information and feelings to process.

Setting boundaries always seems to cause an avalanche of running commentary in my brain. Should I, did I, were they? Whatever; always assessing, guarding, replaying. I'm glad you're taking action because sometimes it's the ones closest to us that need it the most. When I've always behaved a certain way and "let" others "get away" with violations, it usually comes down to fear. For you it might be something else. Whatever it is, in the long run, it's worth it the effort and temporary consequences.

Uh oh. Now I'm going to look into Nurturing Attachments. Intuitively I know it might be too early for me, but will keep it in mind. Your recommendations hit the spot.

I also read Bach's journal post. I didn't feel comfortable in posting but I admire the courage it took to write and share it. I'm still encountering quite a bit of silence and resistance from my younger parts, they just give me feeling vibes without words so far. I like the thought of your younger part sharing something with Bach's young part. It's really hard to be alone and in pain.

Hi SanMagic,
I appreciated you sharing about how you have come to appreciate the idea of boundaries, and mentioning respect, that's a trait that is really needed.  Thanks also for the love and hugs, and sending some love and hugs to you too  :hug:

Hi BeeKeeper,
Wow, when you put those things in a list like that - 'selling stuff, contact with strangers, money negotiations, boundary formation' - I agree it's a LOT, and I hadn't given myself sufficient time to do any of those things justice - they happened in a rush really, and it's been tough to process the feelings.  I also related very much to your description of 'avalanche of running commentary', as that definitely has happened on a few occasions.  I haven't identified what the issue is for me, in terms of whether it's 'fear' or something else - I'm not sure.  I am not very good at identifying my emotions and feelings.    Thanks for the hug, and sending one to you also  :hug:

***********
31st August 2021
It's the end of Summer today, meteorologically, and Autumn is due to start.  I like Autumn, so that will be a nice season hopefully for me.  I've written some aims for September, which I hope to achieve.  Just a few things jotted down to try to do. 

Potential Trigger Warning, as mentioning CSA, though nothing graphic at all.

I'm reading another book I got from the library, it's called 'Safeguarding Children and Young People: Child Protection 0-18 years' by Jennie Lindon.  This is proving to be really interesting, as it looks at some real life cases of child abuse, and also has case histories and examples and how child protection officers, social workers mainly, are trained, with easy to understand descriptions of things they consider and how they consider them.  It's proving to be powerful for my understanding, and has been triggering quite a few flashback memories from my childhood, and thoughts about my own feelings as a child at different ages.  So I think this is useful so far, but it is also causing me to experience some intense feelings.  I'm trying to pace myself. 

I just want to quote a couple of things, that really really struck a chord with some inner parts of myself,
"Children are not the possessions of their parents.  Parents have responsibilities for their children, not absolute rights."
A young part of myself wanted me to write that in my journal.

Another section:
"Neglectful practitioners, who work alone or unsupervised, may target one or more children through the same twisted logic used by abusive parents: The child is badly behaved and does not deserve care.  The withdrawal of basics like food may be justified as a punishment."
This is something a part of me relates to, in terms of a situation I don't want to write further about, but I just wanted to note the sentence here, as I promised that part of myself that I would do that in my journal.

As I scan this book just now to look for other things I want to share in my journal, I realise I really want to put some things related to CSA, but I feel a lot of shame and a lot of stuff that is non-verbal (i.e. my throat fills up, and constricts) and there's one particular paragraph I read, which I feel I need to keep hold of, as I related a lot to it.  Where to put it?  I think I'll put it here:

Trigger Warning - Mentioning CSA

"Other Sexual abusers
Some adult sexual abusers are also in a sexual relationship with another adult, or have been in the past.  These abusers seem to target children and young adolescents because they are available or easier to intimidate.  What seems to happen is that that such abusers, mainly men, turn to children or under-age young people when they feel under stress or rejected in their adult relationship.  They find children - their own, stepchildren or children of friends - less threatening and justify their abuse on the grounds that they are not harming the child, or that the child sought and welcomed their form of affection."

(I felt sick writing that, and feel floaty and dissociated kind of feelings, and my partner has just come into the house, so I need to go now - but I wanted to write that. 

I try to think of why my abuser did what he did.  Why I didn't tell anyone.  Many things.  This book on safeguarding children is helpful to me, as it gives reasons for things, and whilst it's bringing up many strong feelings, that I normally avoid, I think I'm at a point when I can look at some of those things now.

Hope  :)

Thanks for the warning light, which caused me to wade into what you were wanting to present with some caution. My reaction turned out similar to yours, and in the parts you quoted I found myself tensing up; not a novel reaction for me but one I usually try (perhaps too much so) to avoid. It's one of those creepy feeling that others never seem to grasp either (or are too afraid to).

And yet it can be okay to try wading into those murky waters. Like you, I surmise there might be a valid point these authors are helping foster, despite the struggle to do justice to any of the abuses talked of. It's hard to ever understand any of what took place and the 'why' is even harder. That said, I've noticed at least a slight loosening of the gripping sensations that seems to come over while reading these. For those who scoff at things like trigger warnings, I find that they honour the notion that hey, there are readers who were hurt badly.

Finding peace with all of this is still elusive, at least total peace.   I think it's even more elusive to think there's some magic moment of forgiveness for this. Personally I've given up on that aspect, but find myself at least willing to lift the veil a little and dare to figure some sense out of what mostly was just senseless. Doing that can at least ease some of the shame.

Not sure I've said much; it's more of a sad reflection with some notes in reaction to your passing on the book info. You do that very well -- thank you so much for pointing out some of these reads. I can sense your own hesitancy but also recognize how posting what you can of your own take on them can help the healing journey. :hug:

Hi Hope,

There's a hug at the end if you or any part of you would like one. Actually, I'm leaving lots of hugs that you can take or leave because you deserve so much comfort and protection after the things that were done to you. It's not OK that an adult abused you in that way. And I understand wanting to understand why they did that, and why you didn't tell, but they hurt you and it was wrong no matter why they did it, you did not deserve it, and you were just a kid. I feel angry toward the person who abused such a sweet kind soul.

You, Hope, and all your parts, are worthy of being protected and are beautiful and innocent. I hope one day any shame you feel about what was done to you melts away. You deserve to not feel shame.

I especially want to send a safe hug along to the part who wanted you to write about the neglectful practitioners.

:hug:
:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
:bighug:

Hi Woodsgnome,
I am so grateful to you for sharing your thoughts, because I really found what you wrote to be helpful in many ways.  Thank you.   :hug: 
Hi Armee,
Thank you so much for all those hugs  :hug: :hug: and also for what you said.  I appreciated it very much.

*********
4th September 2021
I've been in and out of a few EF's in the past few days, but I am recognising what's happening, and that's helped.  I remind myself that I'm triggered by various things, and I am understanding more what the triggers have been.  I am also aware of the presence of a couple of protector kind of parts, and I know why they've been around.  My reading of the books about CSA have been unsettling for those parts, and they've come to protect me, but I'm keen to tell them that I'm safe now, as an adult, and that my reading isn't something that will cause me any hurt - but is a path to enabling me to heal along my journey. 

Interesting that I don't even know what I've just written, it just flowed out of me, so I'll leave it there.  I don't want to re-read it just now, as I'll be tempted to alter/edit it.  I'm trying not to do that.  Just allow myself to write unedited.

Hope   :)

hope, i think allowing yourself to be unedited is very courageous.  i so appreciate you for just who you are.  love and hugs :hug: :hug:

Yup. What San said.

Anything that flows from you and your experiences will be perfect as is and you did a really good job letting yourself write unedited here.

I also want to say it sounds like you've done a good job staying aware of the EFs and not getting consumed by them. That's hard to do and a sign of so much healing.  :hug: That said, I wish you were not having to deal with them. But it makes sense that reading the book is triggering EFs (and probably other flashback types, too) and you are handling them pretty well. Go Hope!

Hope,

QuoteInteresting that I don't even know what I've just written, it just flowed out of me,

I echo others who encourage you to write without your editor.  :hug:

It's wonderful that you are fully aware of the triggers, your reactions and especially your ability to remind yourself and all your parts of their safety at the present time.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 04, 2021, 03:06:30 PM
hope, i think allowing yourself to be unedited is very courageous. 

:yeahthat:

I think I remember that this has been an issue for you off and on during your time here on the forum. I'm very happy for you that you are making progress with this :cheer: I'm not surprised though because you do work very hard on your recovery.  :) :hug:

Hi SanMagic, I am always touched by your kindness and I also appreciate you - thank you  :hug:

Hi Armee, thank you so much for your encouraging words, I appreciate them  :hug:

Hi BeeKeeper,  Yes, I am getting better at recognising my triggers and realising when I'm in EF's, and thankfully using Janina Fisher's direction to notice when I'm triggered and recognise that, helps a lot.  I like that you highlighted the words 'ability' and 'aware' - they are strong words.   :hug:

Hi Blueberry, Thank you  :hug:  I know I've been focusing on my recovery for a long time now, but I am beginning to see progress in it, and feel thankful for that.   :hug:

***********
8th September 2021
A lot of things have been happening in my life in this past few weeks, and it's felt overwhelming at times.  But, I'm managing to negotiate my way through things, and I've been able to cope. 

My dreams have felt intense, and I have had quite vivid things happening in them, but can't remember the content anymore.  But I think I've been processing things more in my dreams. 

I've finished reading the book about Safeguarding of Children, and I found it really helpful.  There were legal cases they discussed, and there were lots of examples of good and bad practice in relation to safeguarding issues.  There was one part that I found particularly emotive, and I think I want to make a note of the contents, so I'll go and get the book:

"Make the connection with... personal information.
Vulnerable children and young people especially need attention to the detail of their lives and this cannot be achieved without keeping records in residential and foster care.  Items such as a birth certificate and informal documentation of the kind that would usually be held by a child's birth family need  to be stored carefully.  Looked-after children and young people need good care taken of their personal information and keepsakes, with their involvement.

Children can experience many changes and part of the whole safeguarding process is that adults create a safe place for items of personal value that might otherwise get lost forever.  When children do not have a family to keep a record of childhood events, then someone else needs to respect and store photos, drawings, certificates from school, birthday cards and all the other items that are very important later for adolescents and adults who have spent time in care."

Wow, as I typed out those words, I felt the whoosh of emotions in my body, and physical responses which felt like nauseation, and I feel light-headedness too.  But, thoughts came into my mind about how my FOO lied about so many basic things regarding my family, and therefore, any anchors of memory that I have are things I can't rely on.  I have some photos of my past, but not all of them, as my FOO (M) has them in her home.  I am estranged and non-contact, and I will not ask her for them.  So I can't look back on some earlier memories, or have those things.  Photos can act as a prompt for memory, although I realise it won't give the reality of something necessarily. 

I realise I feel angry, disappointed, upset, many feelings. 

I think the sentence 'when chidren do not have a family to keep a record of childhood events...' was particularly emotive, because I DID have a family, but they chose to obscure and avoid certain truths, and blatantly lie about other aspects.

***********
I'm sitting here now, and thinking further, and I'm grateful to be able to come here to my journal and write these things, because I know that this is a safe place, and I can keep these reflections here.  Also, I know that people in this forum, who read these words, are understanding and I am thankful for all of you being there. 

I feel very emotional now.  I think that relates to the thought of being 'heard' and being 'understood' as that was NOT the case in my childhood, I felt I was on my own with so many things.  I didn't expect help. 

I feel calmer now, so this has been a good space and time, spent here in my journal. 
Hope  :)

Hi, Hope. The same things struck me, reading that excerpt from the book for similar reasons.

You didn't get what you needed from your FOO and now you have to try to find a way to plug those holes and gaps yourself. One day those photos may work their way to you.

Sending along hugs to all your parts that need or want one.  :hug:

hey, hope,

i remember seeing my M pull out my report cards from grade school one day, and how it struck me a little, at the time, that she cared enough to keep those.  i have no photos anymore of when i was young, but i remember 2 that i've been able to bring to mind and have helped me with processing some of the acceptance pieces i've been working on.  those kinds of childhood 'things' can definitely have an impact on our perspective of self and of having been cared for by others.  it's no surprise to me you had a lot of emotions appear while working on this piece.

i agree with armee - perhaps some day those photos will come to you.  keep up the good work, my dear.  sending love and some spackle to help fill those holes. :hug:

Hope,

Your reading and writing here is very powerful and touches on some extremely potent memories. First of all, you picked a good portion of the book to record here, because this one act of record-keeping is so critical to children, teens, adults and elders. It's important throughout the lifespan.

Bypassing specifics, I had an opportunity to acquire and keep ALL my childhood stuff. I took a pass. Six years later, when I had my own little girl, I resolved to do it differently. And I did. I also did the same for my 2 oldest grandkids, and as a result, they LOVED it. I made albums, collages, plaques, etc. and I had just as much fun in making as they did in receiving.

I briefly was a foster Mom to a young teen, and we made clay things together, which she took home with her. It was a highlight of my life, to see her open up, get creative and want to keep that with her.

When and if the early reminders come back to you, take it slowly. If they never return to  you, that doesn't change your early self. It means that you carry that inside daily. All the preciousness and sweetness of your childhood are still intact.

Hope, I appreciate you taking the chance and time to reflect here.  I learn from what you share and feel connection with you and others for a shared understanding I don't have to explain fully.   :hug:

 :hug:

Dear Armee, SanMagic, BeeKeeper, Rainydiary and Bach,
Thank you so  much for what each of you wrote.  I won't say more than that, as I'm feeling a bit full of emotions at the moment, but I do appreciate you all.   :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
Hope  :)

****************
17th September 2021
I feel very emotional just now.  I know what it is that made me feel that way - it was mainly that I am triggered by endings, transitions, things like that, and I had wanted to say more to someone about their own ending/transition, but it evoked too much emotion within myself.  It chokes me up in my throat, and it brings prickles of tears. 

I haven't been able to write anything here for a few days, even though I've been coming here and reading what others have been writing and saying.  I've felt a bit like an outsider watching others, and that makes me think I've probably been feeling a bit dissociated and as if I'm an alien and not a real human person. 

I know there are some triggering things in this month for me.  I wish I was more open in this forum about things I'm encountering, but I worry that if I'm specific about things, that somehow I'll be traced by someone - I've noticed that there's been more searches on my profiles - Linked in mentions when people are searched, and I seem to get a few searches each week, and I'm convinced that it's the same person just looking at my profile.  I think that makes me feel a bit paranoid.

Actually I'm surprised that I'm ending up writing this now, I didn't anticipate what I would write.  I'm just glad to be writing here.

I'm going to hope to get back to using Janina Fisher's framework to tackle my issues.  Hers has been the main driver for some progress, and I know I've been focusing on that way for at least a couple of years now, if not more, but I need to do it more intensively and consistently, and so that's my hope.

I re-read the communication that my M had sent me, and it was really upsetting to read it.  She was so accusatory, and cruel in it.  Her words hurt.  Part of me wants to tear it up, but I can't do that, as I feel I need the reality and the substance of realising how cruel she can be with her words.  I am thankful that I didn't respond to her, and that I maintained my estrangement.  I think that was the wise thing to have done.  I'm glad I was able to be strong and do that.

I took all my books back to the library.  Normally I'd get more out, but this time, I decided to leave without any - somehow nothing drew me, and I felt like I should return home without anything to read. 

I've just sat for a few minutes, and not been able to write more, but my emotions seem to have left me, and I don't feel anything right now. That's ok.  I think they walk out of the door sometimes, and just leave me with no feelings at all.  It's ok.

Hope  :)

 :hug:

Hope,

QuoteI am thankful that I didn't respond to her, and that I maintained my estrangement.  I think that was the wise thing to have done.  I'm glad I was able to be strong and do that.

Excellent choice and one of the hardest to do.  :hug:

I understand your concern about being tracked. It's a fine line to tread,

Congrats on your ability to return books, but not take new ones out. I do that about 3 times a year and it's always refreshing.

Thanks for bringing up the concepts of endings and transitions. I never put words like that to them, and it may help to do so. It might help me to see the "big picture" because I get lost in details.

Take care of yourself.

 :hug:

Hi Snowdrop & Armee - thank you for the hugs, I appreciate them.   :hug: :hug:

Hi BeeKeeper,
Thank you for what you said, and for the hug  :hug:  Regarding the decision not to take out books from the library, it's unusual for me to do that, and I must say that I felt 'free' and 'lighter' for coming away without any.  Interesting to hear that you do that about three times a year.  Good to hear you find it refreshing.  That's a nice feeling.

Yes, I think that endings and transitions are things that have always triggered me, and originally I thought of them as being related to abandonment, but nowadays I think there are probably other things involved too.  Not sure what exactly, but it feels very dense and loaded with emotive stuff.

************
18th September 2021
I found these notes in a paper diary I have, and wanted to copy them here - I am uncertain of the source, except that I think it's probably Janina Fisher, as it sounds a lot like things she'd say:

"Notice who's triggered today. 
Hyperarousal? or Hypoarousal? 
Window of tolerance
The parts are triggered.
This is just triggering
Being curious.
Having awareness
Notice what triggered the parts.
Slowing the pace.
Sighing
Lengthening the spine
Hand over the heart (physical gesture)
Grounding with the feet
Clenching/relaxing
Standing or moving.
10% solutions - they all add up.
Ability to observe, gets the pre-frontal cortex back online."

Hope  :)

23rd September 2021
I feel like I'm in a frozen lymbo kind of phase this morning.  I've been considering what to do, and making no decisions.  There's a sad part with me, and I wonder if I'm blended.  I'm fixated on how I've spelled 'lymbo' maybe it should be limbo.  That looks better.

I have been facing quite a few stressful things in past weeks, and I've been pleased with how I've coped. 

I haven't been reading any books in recent days either - as I didn't bring any back from the library, and I don't feel like re-reading anything that I already have.  I think that 'No Bad Parts' is going to arrive in the next few days, so maybe I'll be reading that soon. 

TW: Mentioning CSA in next paragraph, but nothing graphic
I had a very disturbing dream the night before last - it featured CSA.  I know that the trigger had been an interaction I'd had with a person where I had felt a power differential, and there had been aspects of that person that had reminded me of someone.  Then in the dream, I kept hearing the words 'Pockets of Memory' and those words were repeated a lot.  I also experienced memories that I hadn't realised had happened, and wondered whether they could have happened or not, and the feeling of fear that I wasn't in control of anything, and especially of my memory.  I did tell my partner the next day about the dream, and also about the interaction that had triggered it.   It was a good thing to talk about it.  It felt ok to do that.

I'm not sure how to shift myself to engage in something this morning.  I am feeling frozen and in limbo.  There, I've said it again. 

There's part of me that feels like I want to cry.  But my partner is also in this room, as I write these words, so I don't want to allow myself to cry just now.

I know there are lots of things I think I need to do today, but getting energy to tackle them, I'm not sure that's going to happen.  I'll make a cup of tea instead. 

Hope  :)

Hope, I've been aware that things have been difficult for you the past few weeks so I finally want to send you some support and  :hug: :hug:

Making a cup of tea sounds like a good step to me, I mean it's something I might just go and do too. And then see if that gives me any energy for those 'lots of things' I think I ought to be doing today too. A long-winded way of saying we seem to be in a similar boat today. I've forgotten the exact word I need.

Hope, I appreciate you sharing.  I was especially touched by the mention of noticing power differentials.  I am grateful for you saying that as that is something I deal with a lot and I have not named it like that before.  I hope you find steps where you are seeking to go. 

Hi Blueberry,
I read what you wrote yesterday, and it really helped me - as I felt less alone with my feelings, so thank you.  I hoped that your cup of tea helped you.  Mine was helpful in that it caused me to action things, and start to do things.  Thanks also for the support and hugs  :hug: :hug:

Hi Rainydiary,
Thank you - yes, power differentials was definitely a large part of why my interaction had felt difficult.  Sorry that you have to deal with that a lot.  Yes, I did make some steps forward yesterday, and managed to accomplish some things in the end, so I was pleased about that. 

***********
24th September 2021
A new day, and I am excited that the 'No Bad Parts' book arrived yesterday, so I'll be hoping to read it - probably start it on the weekend sometime.  I know that IFS is different to Janina Fisher's approach - hers is called TIST - which stands for Trauma Informed ... not sure what the second S stands for or the final T...  IFS is Internal Family Systems, I think.  Anyway, I know they're different approaches, but have some similarities, and I like elements of each of them, but I think I prefer Janina's.  However, I really want to read the 'No Bad Parts' book - as I feel it will be helpful to me. 

Maybe the second S is Stabilisation and the final T is Therapy?  I need to check it - so writing TIST as a reminder.

Emotions today?  I think I feel vulnerable.  That's different to yesterday, when I felt frozen in a limbo. 

When I made that cup of tea yesterday, I remember that a thing that helped me, was to put my arms round my body in a hug, and tell my inner parts that they were safe and I was making us all a cup of tea.  Somehow that physical hug and those comforting words were heard and felt within, and I felt parts of myself respond and feel some relief/comfort from it.  So that's something I'll try to do more, when I feel it's needed.

Hope  :)

Hello Hope,

You mentioned hearing words in your dream and you're the first person that's ever said that. I have a phrase that came to me in a dream, that I've remembered for 25 years. Powerful stuff. Before your post, I thought I was the only one.

I too like the term "power differentials", its very accurate and something that goes unnoticed a lot of the time.

Whether in limbo or vulnerability, I learn from your posts.

 :hug:

Your sweet gesture and words to your parts about making tea brought (good) tears to my eyes.

Hope, giving myself hugs has become so powerful and I am glad to know I am not the only one that does this. 

hope, if i could, i would embrace you and your parts in a caring, gentle hug as well.  here's the best i can do at the moment.  :bighug:  i love the idea that you did that for all of you - i've done the same for myself and it really can make a difference.  so glad it was pos. for you.

when i read about your fears of being tracked, how someone is stalking your profile, i felt a profound sadness for you.  honestly, i just hate that someone is doing that to you.  i think it's cowardly and it disgusts me that someone would continue to intimidate you like that.  terrible!  you don't deserve it at all.  and now i feel a lot of anger toward whoever is doing it to you.   :pissed:

i think you're doing so well, moving forward, coping more easily with incidents as they appear.  keep up the good work, my dear!  sending love and a hug filled with care and comfort. :hug:

Hi BeeKeeper - Yes, I definitely have heard words in my dreams, it happens a lot to me.  I thought it happened to most people.  I hear part of myself at night that often says 'I'm so scared' 'I'm really scared' and that pulls at my heart, because I know that small part of myself is very scared, and I want to protect her.  I am thankful that I no longer blend with her, but am curious about her experience and want to know more about it.  Interesting that as I write that, I feel as if another part of me has written that, because somehow it sounds too emotionally separated from the experience.  Anyway, I'll keep writing anyway.  You heard a phrase in your dream that stayed with you for many years, that sounds like a very profound experience.  I am really grateful for the opportunity to talk about things here, in this forum, and share experiences in that way. 

Hi Armee - I am so glad that you had good tears, I feel that can be a nice thing to happen. 

Hi Rainydiary - thank you for sharing the fact that you also hug yourself, and find it helpful - I really have found it helps me a lot.  I've begun to make contact with different parts of myself by touching different parts of my body, where I feel they are manifested - I tend to touch my neck as one area, my heart area as another, my tummy as another and sometimes the top of my head.  Just making that contact and thinking of them, I feel as if they hear me and interact with me.  The hug I do tends to be around my body, crossing my arms, and it seems to help.

Hi SanMagic - thank you so much for the hugs, I really appreciate them.  Thank you also for what you said about the tracking of my profile.  I realise it's not something I can definitely know is happening, as I don't have proof of it, and of course I don't know for sure who it is, so in some ways it feels a bit paranoid of me to consider it,  but I am not letting it affect me too much at the moment, as I feel like I'm safe, and that they can't actually get to me.  This is good, and definitely an improvement on how I would have felt previously, as there were times when I was reluctant to go out - for fear of being seen by someone.  So I know I've improved.

************
29th September 2021

I can't believe that it's nearly the end of September already.  I'm glad to have got through this month, as it had a difficult thing in the middle of it, that was tough to negotiate my way through.  It's in the past now though.  I have managed to cope with quite a lot of unexpected things in this month, and it's not been easy, but I am making my way through things, and I've coped with many more things than I thought I would!  So I'm actually going to congratulate myself on that  :cheer: 

Today was quite tough, as I felt as if I had different parts with me that were 'there' but weren't really communicating with me, and I just felt them as tensions and feelings alongside me, and I kept trying to communicate with them, from time to time, and help them to feel that I cared about them, but I wasn't sure if I was reaching them.  I tried cuddling a couple of my soft cuddly things (not going to say what they are, but they are animals and quite cute) and one is smaller and I feel like a very young part of myself likes that one, and the larger one is new, and I'm not sure which part of me likes that, or connects to it, but I like it.

I feel a bit embarrassed mentioning those things, but I'm trying to just be open about more things. 

I still feel cagey though.  Contrasting sides I guess. 

I read Richard Schwartz's book 'No Bad Parts' over the weekend.  I finished the entire book.  I thought it was an interesting book, and I'm glad I read it, but I still prefer Janina Fisher's work in preference, but I think there are some things that Richard said which I will try to include in what I'm doing, but I'm following Janina - I'm happy to be reminded that there's a course by her tomorrow - I think it's 7.30pm BST to 9pm BST, and I hope to watch it and maybe take some notes.  I hope to share my notes, if I do manage to do that.  I put a link to her course on the resources section of this forum.  I think it should be really good.

Hope  :)

Hope, I appreciated you sharing that some parts might be there but not communicating with you.  This resonates with me and helps me think about my experience.  I would say that happens to me and now I have a way to process my experience.  Thank you!

hope, you continue to surpass yourself, and it's an inspiration.  for so long you seemed very hesitant to be personal in what you wrote, both here and in others' journals, and i give you all kinds of credit for allowing that openness for yourself now.  i think it's wonderful you can get comfort from your little stuffies (it's not something i experience).  thank you for sharing.   :yes:

i don't think you're paranoid, either, about the possibility of someone tracking your profile.  my experience has been that if you feel it in your gut, it's probably exactly what you think it is.  i'm just glad you're keeping yourself as safe as you can, just in case.  better to err on the side of caution, in my opinion.  love and hugs, my dear.  :hug:

Hi Rainydiary,
Thanks,  :hug:

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you  :hug:

**************
1st October 2021
Came here, and now I don't know what to say.  But that's ok.
Hope  :)

Hi, Hope. I always like it when you are here even when you can't say much. Thank you for reading and being so thoughtful in your words to all of us and for sharing what you learned at the webinar. What you wrote about writing things down definitely felt right and I've learned a lot from you.

Hi Armee,
Thank you so much.  :hug: 
Hope  :)

Hope,

I'm with you here.

QuoteI still prefer Janina Fisher's work

Thank you again for mentioning her books, work and various media on YouTube. It's really broken through my last resistance and I've embraced it fully. (repeat, repeat, repeat!)

Hi BeeKeeper,
Yes, I really appreciate Janina Fisher's work too.  I noticed in your journal that you'd taken her book back to the library, and I was concerned, thinking that you could keep it out longer, renew it.  I hope you were able to read all that you wanted and that you found it helpful.  I have re-read that book about three times now, and each time I get more out of it.
Hope  :)

5th October 2021
I feel really incredibly tired - not only mentally but physically - my eyelids feel excessively heavy and I have tensions in my arms too.  I've had a lot of things that have been worrying me, and also my partner, and we've both talked to each other about these stressors.  He told me that at night I've been quite distressed and saying out loud 'It's all too much, it's too much' and similar words to that.  I didn't realise I'd been doing that.  I felt sorry that he had to deal with that. 

We have both had to deal with some people where there's a power differential, and it feels challenging, and we're trying to negotiate our way through that.

I've been thinking about the fact that my F has died in the past few months, and yet parts of me don't really acknowledge that he has actually died.  It's like I suddenly have to think that yes, he has died, but because I've been estranged for so many years, the reality of that hasn't sunk in - the reality of it isn't there.  My sister believes in the afterlife and spirits, and I know that her views are such that she communicates with people who have passed over.  I mention her, because during the time I communicated with her, I learned more about her thoughts and feelings about things.  I don't really know what I think about death, or whether I believe in anything after that.  I don't think I do.  But maybe parts of me do.  That's the thing, it's difficult to really know what I think and feel about things, as I feel there are different viewpoints and thoughts from different parts of myself.

Over the weekend, I felt like I was in a really long series of EF's - there was a melancholic depressed kind of feel to how I felt - but also anger.  Actually I remember last night, in my bed, feeling as if I really wanted to hit out and be angry, and it felt very strong as a feeling.  I just remembered that now, as I write about this.

Whilst I write this, there's part of me that feels upset, and my right arm really hurts - that's the tension kind of feeling, as if my body is tensing up for some kind of attack or battle.  It's like an 'armouring' kind of feeling.  I need to try to relax and get rid of the pain, but maybe I should just feel through it, and maybe it'll dissipate. 

Hopefully it will.  I have to go now.
Hope  :)

Hope, I appreciate you sharing this.  So much of what you wrote resonated with me and now I'm not sure how put into words what stood out.  I am thinking of you as you navigate being tired, the stress, and the sensations in your body. 

I am wishing for the exhaustion and the feeling of it being too much softens soon for you, Hope. I relate so much to everything you wrote...the feeling of hitting out in anger even though it feels separate...this happens to me often...it's been a lot of punching feeling lately but more often it's kicking in bed. And i especially relate to not knowing what you think because there are different parts that feel different things. I'm going to try to post a comic I drew today for my T in my journal that feels a lot like that.

It's hard for death to feel real when you aren't present for it.

i like what armee said about the difficulty of death to feel real when you haven't been involved in the life of the person. 

i, too, can relate to the bodily sensations, the tension, the fatigue, the soreness.  i think, at least for me, it's my body speaking to me about things i may not be quite aware of on a conscious level.  still, they're there, and will make their way out, i'm sure, when we're ready to face them.  with all the work you've been doing, the idea of 'it's too much' sounds just about right.  is there a chance you can take a little break from the work, just relax and play a little, visit the porch for a day?  don't know if that might help, just a thought.

sending you love, dear hope, and a hug filled with peace. :hug:

 :grouphug: Sending care to you, Hope.

Hope,

I feel your melancholy and anger. Listening to your sister's perspective might have inflamed that a bit, I don't know. For me, it would have. When I am a captive audience for people's "rightness" about their beliefs, I find it exhausting. First to hide my shock and questioning "would they really think that"? Next, presenting a neutral face or stopping myself from countering their arguments. All in all, yeah, definitely difficult so your reactions protect you from it all.

I was estranged before my M's death, and despite the reasons being rational and safety oriented, the repercussions still came. One thing I've learned now is that death doesn't change things in ways we might have expected. The memories and feelings are embedded in ourselves. We process it when we're able. The most important concept right now is that you honor yourself and treat yourself with respect for all your choices.

I noticed you wrote about me returning Janina Fisher's book. I had to because there were no more renewals! And it was from another library so that complicated matters. I agree that by reading multiple times, each time gives us something more. When I first started the book, I couldn't read more than 2 pages without needing distance. FYI, your tip for the Anderson Fisher program was great; I got the handouts which answered many questions about her research sources. Plus it was fun to watch Frank Anderson, so animated and cute!

Hi Rainydiary - thank you so much for thinking of me, and for saying what you said.  I really appreciated it.  I wasn't able to write in the past few days, but I read what you wrote, and it helped me.   :hug:

Hi Armee - thank you for sharing your feelings of wanting to hit out physically, and relating to what I wrote - it was helpful to hear that.  I felt less alone with it.  I felt validated by that.   :hug:

Hi SanMagic - I think you're right about the body speaking at a sub-conscious level.  I am grateful to mine for the fact it does communicate with me, and I am also pleased that I am able to try to listen to the communications now, whereas in the past I would have tried to distract or numb myself from feeling anything.  What you and Armee said about death made sense too.    SanMagic, I think I should have relaxed more, but I was caught up in wanting to process more, and so I threw myself into reading a couple of quite heavy things, but now that I have finished those books, I feel like I will try to take a bit of a rest from more heavy literature.  Thank you for suggesting a rest, it's a good suggestion.   :hug:

Hi Notalone - Thank you so much  :hug: 

Hi BeeKeeper - I really felt your validation when you mentioned that you feel 'melancholy and anger' - I also relate to what you said about finding it exhausting to listen to someone's 'rightness' about their beliefs.    Thank you also for sharing that you were estranged before your M's death, and how the repercussions still came.  I definitely feel that death doesn't necessarily change things, and I agree about what you said about memories and feelings being embedded in ourselves.  I will do my best to treat myself with respect for my choices. 

BeeKeeper - I am sorry that you weren't able to renew Janina's book, but maybe some other time, you and the book will be reunited, and you'll enjoy a further re-read.  I am so glad to hear that you enjoyed watching the program with her and Frank Anderson.   :)

I also wanted to add that I hope you're ok, as I think you're a 'Guest' now rather than a full member in the forum?  You don't need to explain that, I just wanted to say that I noticed, and I hope you're ok. 

************
16th October 2021

I found it really difficult to come here and write anything in the past few days.  I had read a biography of Kurt Cobain called 'Heavier than Heaven' and it impacted on me heavily - I felt a lot of grief as a result of reading that book.  I was glad I read it, but it was really upsetting at the same time.  It seemed to reach parts of myself more than other literature has done.  I know I have big triggers around endings, so the fact that I knew that Kurt's life would end when he was 27 years old, I knew that the ending would approach as the book progressed, and it was tough for me to face that. 

I subsequently read Alan Davies' autobiography, and that was also upsetting to read - but I was again, glad to have read it.  I related to so much of what he wrote, and was especially grateful to him for writing about everything. 

I came much closer to feeling anger and upset, and also feeling grief.  I think it was good for me to feel those emotions. 

This weekend I'm hoping to do more restful things. 

Hope  :)

 :hug:

Hi Hope,

I've just caught up on the last few pages of your journal and wanted to echo what sanmagic said - you seem effervescent! It's lovely to hear you write about the things that are happening and your reflections on them both good and bad. Just wanted to send a hug  :hug:

ps I will look at the Alan Davies biography. I find QI really calming and my heart goes out to him.

dolly

Hi Hope,  have a nice day !

Hi SanMagic  thank you so much  :hug:

Hi dollyvee - really great to hear from you again, I missed you!  Thanks for what you said, I appreciate it.  I also appreciate the hug, and send one to you as well  :hug:  My heart also goes out to Alan Davies, and I was glad to have read his biography.

Hi Larry  thank you so much for wishing me a nice day.  I know that you're having your therapy session this week - tomorrow, I think, so I hope it goes well.  Wishing you the best with it. 

***********
21st October 2021
Today has felt like a longer day than normal, mainly due to feeling quite a lot of blending with parts of myself that feel 'alone, abandoned' (those kind of feelings).  The reality was that I was alone today for long stretches of time, and I am alone this evening too.  I'm coping ok though. 

I had a situation yesterday where I felt some rejection, like I'd been dismissed without being listened to, even though I'd attempted to communicate my feelings about something, and yet it seemed as if I was ignored, not heard, not seen, not responded to.  Then someone's action caused me to feel as if I'd been overlooked, and that compounded my feelings of rejection and abandonment.  But I recognise that maybe the person didn't even know that I had attempted to communicate - it's possible they didn't realise. 

(Been sitting here a while, with no thoughts in my head)

I watched a Netflix series called 'Maid' and found it really good - brought up some feelings and emotions about different things. 

(Feeling very emotional now - because I know there are things I want to write more about, but don't feel like I'm brave enough to open up and write them - maybe I can do so sometime, but I fear that parts of myself won't like it if I open up more - it's frustrating to feel that, but I do honour their feelings, and consider it). 

(Emotion seems to have gone again - left with blank feelings)

Anyway, I'm glad I wrote something, as I wanted to touch base here. 

Hope  :)

Hope,  :grouphug: to you and all your Parts.
Feeling alone, abandoned, rejected and dismissed is so, so painful. Lots of care and compassion for you, Hope.

Hi Hope. I'm glad you wrote here. 

I watched the Maid too, one episode and it put me in a funk. But it was good and I'll watch more.

Thanks Hope, that was lovely to hear  :hug:

It seems like a really positive and big thing to see that it wasn't us and that maybe they didn't hear etc. I struggle with this a lot and it's almost like second nature to take it on sometimes, and to even have the space in the first place that it wasn't me or about me.

Quote from: Hope67 on October 21, 2021, 07:28:56 PM

I had a situation yesterday where I felt some rejection, like I'd been dismissed without being listened to, even though I'd attempted to communicate my feelings about something, and yet it seemed as if I was ignored, not heard, not seen, not responded to.  Then someone's action caused me to feel as if I'd been overlooked, and that compounded my feelings of rejection and abandonment.  But I recognise that maybe the person didn't even know that I had attempted to communicate - it's possible they didn't realise. 

I appreciate this reflection.  I experience this a lot myself and I also see students I work with dealing with it too.  For instance, their teachers want them to ask for help yet have a very specific idea in mind of what asking for help looks like.  So when the student acts up in class or zones out (which is their way of asking for help), it is misunderstood and sadly often punished. 

It makes me realize how ill equipped we can be to notice the communication of others.  Communication is vast and complex and a lifelong study.  It also is supported by understanding and knowing ourselves.  And then there is other part of that communication being heard, acknowledged, seen, etc. 

I hope you continue noticing and finding ways to communicate what is important to you and that it more often received than not. 

Hi Notalone, thank you so much for sending those kind words of compassion and care, as I felt that you sat with me in the feelings of abandonment, rejection and being dismissed, and that you cared.  I felt less alone for that. 

Hi Armee,  I have watched the entire series of 'Maid' and really found it very powerful and absorbing – as well as thought provoking. 

Hi Dollyvee, Yes, it's tough to not take such things personally – I know I often do, but I am trying not to – and take different perspectives on things.  It does help.

Hi Rainydiary,  Thank you, I am definitely hoping to continue to try to keep channels of communication open, and negotiate the complexities of those things – I think in society today, there are so many more layers to it – with face to face, digital, etc means of communicating. 

************
25th October 2021

I am aware in the night that my body blends with parts of myself, and one night last week, I must have blended completely with a younger part – possibly  a protector part, and my partner interacted by speaking to that part – what happened was:  my partner said he'd heard me being distressed, so he'd tried to talk to me and had said 'You'll be ok' or something like that – and he said that I had replied 'What can you do about it?' in a disgruntled tone of voice.  He had thankfully replied positively to that, by saying 'I'm here, and I can help you' - or something like that.  He said that I'd then settled back to sleeping again. 

I am so relieved that he did that, because I think he did meet another part of me (a part who doesn't trust people and might not have known who he was) but he treated that part kindly.  I remember  a previous partner who had reacted in an unkind way and hostile way to similar things said during sleep, and that wasn't a good outcome really.

So I am grateful that my partner is understanding, and that I've been able to talk to him about my parts, and the process I'm attempting to do in terms of befriending them, and working with them, rather than against them.

I am grateful that he is in my life and supportive, and I am also grateful that this support forum is here, and I appreciate all the people here and their support as well  :grouphug:

Hope  :) 

Hello, Hope ... I admire your ability to  move wherever it seems useful to go. It takes lots of grit and courage to step into these troubling areas full of potential pitfalls.

This sort of journey requires two types of paths --  one away from the past hurts, another discovering a new way built on hope and promise. It's a lonely task -- it's good to read that your partner has been supportive of your efforts.

Even when words aren't there, you still seek out some way to build a better future on a shaky foundation. It's terribly vulnerable, this territory; filled with leftover grief and other hazards that arise along the way.

Bottom line -- you're always there, on the other side, vulnerable but still willing to discover that new way of being. It takes loads of self-care sometimes, but you're open to the new horizon -- best part is you're creating each step anew, and with each one comes the promise of healing.

Just wanted to drop by and express appreciation for your journey. So I'll leave off with this  :hug:

Hope, I am glad to read about your positive connection with others.

I'm glad to hear that your partner is supportive and that your partner was able to comfort one of your Parts.

 :wave:

Hi Hope. I feel tongue-tied except brain-tied instead. But I do want to say how encouraging it feels that your partner listens to and respects all parts of you.

Hi Hope,

I'm glad that you're feeling supported  :hug: and I'm sorry that someone wasn't supportive and caused you distress because they didn't understand.

This might be a bit woo woo for some, but I've been learning about sleep yoga through Tenzin Wangal RInpoche which is fascinating. He says that essentially there is no difference between the things that we experience while we're dreaming and the things we experience while we're awake - that these are all the same karmic traces. That on one hand they're very real, but also on the other, that they're just thoughts. It doesn't make them easier to deal with but found that looking at the things that cause us distress as just dreams is sometimes helpful to me in waking or dreaming and gives me a little distance from what is happening.

dolly

 :hug:

Hi Woodsgnome - I appreciated all that you wrote, and am grateful also for the hug, thank you  :hug:  You mentioned the vulnerable aspects of negotiating a way through a territory containing left-over grief and unexpected hazards, and I am grateful to be able to come somewhere safe and validating to talk about and express some of those things - and find people who understand such as yourself, so I'm very grateful that you and others are here  :grouphug:  I like the idea of creating fresh steps towards healing and living with anticipation that the future will have some positives within it. 

Hi Rainydiary Yes, I was grateful for the positive connection too - it was meaningful and validating.

Hi Notalone Yes, I was happy that was able to happen.  I know I am lucky that he was supportive and connected to my part. 

Hi Armee  I appreciate the fact you communicated, despite feeling tongue-tied, I know that feeling only too well.  Thank you.

Hi Dollyvee I will try to have a look at the sleep yoga you mentioned.  Thanks for sharing your experience with that, it sounds interesting. 

Hi SanMagic  Thank you so much  :hug:

Sending a hug to all of you, thank you for commenting -  :grouphug: 

************
30th October 2021
I think the past few days have been relatively good days - I've been getting more consistent in labelling the different communications as being from parts of myself, which follows Janina Fisher's protocol - she uses TIST - that's trauma informed stabilisation treatment (I think - might mean something slightly different, I'm doubting myself now I try to think of the correct words...) 

I am going to copy her NULAA Protocol here - to remind myself, but also to share it with anyone who might also find it helpful:

NULAA Protocol:
Notice any distressing thoughts, feelings or sensations as communications from 'parts'
Unblend from the parts
Listen to them.  Let them know that you want to hear what is distressing them.
Affirm them.  "Of course you feel that way..."
Advocate for them: speak on their behalf, become their spokesperson, be on their side.

I thought I had more things I wanted to say, but now I've written that, I don't feel like I can write more right now.  So I'll leave it at that, and hope to return later.  I am planning today to do a few tasks that I need to do, and hopefully I'll do a few things.
Hope  :)

I have a notelet that I wrote something that one of my younger parts really liked, so I'm going to share it, as I wanted to do that:
It's from the Children (Scotland) Act 1995 and it says "Children are not the possessions of their parents.  Parents have responsibilities for their children, not absolute rights."  The book that I was reading about this in went on to say something about having 'respectful concern for the child' and 'physical care and their feelings'.

Hope  :)

Hi Hope,

Thanks for sharing both of those things - it's a good reminder that we're here and it's ok that we are the way we are, no matter what's coming up.

You may find the dream yoga interesting or maybe not. We need to do those things that work for us  :hug:

dolly

Hi Hope,  I hope you have a great day !

hope, i love that notelet you have.  it's such a good reminder for us and hopefully can alleviate shame, blame, and guilt we too often put on ourselves instead of on the people who did not treat us or think about us as your notelet says.  it's beautiful.

best to you as you continue working with your parts and all of you can become stronger and more easily trade the incompleteness felt to become whole once again.  keep taking care of you, ok?  gentle and kind.  love and hugs :hug:

Hi Dollyvee Larry and Sanmagic - Thank you all for your replies, I appreciate them all.   :grouphug:

**************

*Trigger warning, as mentioning things related to night terrors, fear, and themes around that.
2nd November 2021
I wanted to write this morning about what happened last night.  I had a really massive night terror, where I screamed really loudly, and completely affected my partner, and also myself, to the extent that I don't think either of us have got over this yet - I don't think I could physically make the noise I made screaming, if I tried to do it in daylight - it's like it's another part of me that can scream like that, and it's a very intensely frightened part of myself, and the fear is death, I recall that I believed that I was going to die at that moment.  I am aware of part of the experience, but not all of it.

What I want to note here, is that I had watched some of the talk by Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche called 'Sleep Yoga with Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche - which Dollyvee had mentioned as helpful to her.  I only listened to half of his talk, which was 35 minutes, so there was 30 minutes of the talk that I didn't hear yet (although I will hope to watch it at some point) - anyway, I had been interested in what he was saying, and I found some overlaps with things that Janina Fisher has said - especially about being conscious and focusing awareness on things - that sounded similar to me and comfortable.

However, I think that the fact that when I decided to try to get to sleep, and I told myself that I could 'let whatever happens happen' meant that parts of me that were normally dormant, or had not bothered me too much lately, then had permission to access my body, and therefore the distressed fearful part was terrified, and acted that out in my sleep - hence the night terror.  I realise it could have just been coincidence, but previous nights I had been careful to prepare myself for sleep by saying 'this part of me feels...' rather than allowing myself to just 'be whatever'.  I know I'm not explaining this very well.  I know what I mean, at least.

My partner's reaction to last night's night terror was upsetting to me, because I know he worries about the intensity of it, and he worries about me at such times.  I worried about the effect on my heart and whether it could be harmful to experience so much fear in such an out of control kind of way. 

We both talked about our surprise that neighbours never hear these screams, or if they do, that they never come to see if we're ok.  Maybe they don't hear - but it was so loud.  I have literally hurt my throat, and when I speak today, it sounds like I have a sore throat.  I am grateful that I don't have to see anyone today.  I have got things involving other people tomorrow though, but maybe I can soothe my throat with honey, and it will be better by tomorrow.

I feel quite de-stabilised by this, so I'll have a cup of tea.

Hope  :)

Whilst I was sitting having the cup of tea, I found that potential triggers for last night's night terror came to me.

*Trigger warning - not sure what I'll write, but giving warning, just incase

I had watched a Star Trek episode yesterday, and the theme was alien abductions, and people being experimented on outside their knowledge, in the night, and then returned to their waking lives, but not knowing what had happened to them.  I found that difficult to watch, as it triggered many aspects for me, but I had watched it, and been disturbed by it.  It had evoked flashbacks or thoughts related to my experience of any kind of medical investigation (even having smears done and things like that) and also my thoughts about what may or may not have happened to me in the night in the past - as a child and as a younger adult as well.  It's the 'not knowing' that is scarier than the knowing in some ways.

Also, I had attempted to participate in the research by the Oxford University student, that is in the forum recently, and I had been shocked that I was accepted for the research - i.e.  my responses on one of the first questionnaires was '40' and therefore I was accepted - somehow I hadn't anticipated I would be accepted.  Then I started answering the questions, but realised I couldn't progress, because part of me felt so upset at trying to answer the historical questions about giving dates and length of time of incidents - it was impossible to answer, there is so much unknown for me.  It really upset part of me, and I had to shut down the computer and just not continue.  Hence, I'm not participating, even though I would have liked to.

But I realise that both those aspects were triggering, and have probably contributed to my experiencing that massive night terror last night.

I am grateful for the space to share these thoughts, and writing about it, and thinking about it, it's been helpful.

My partner said to me that he thinks there isn't really much I can do to change what's happened in the past, and he thinks it's in the past and 'dredging it up' doesn't help.  I know that he wants me to focus on the here and now, and going forward, and I try to do that, but of course, triggers cause me to remain embroiled in the past and implications of that.  But I know I've been making progress with things, especially following Janina Fisher's TIST approach.  I am going to continue with that.

I also hope to listen to the remaining half of the talk on 'sleep yoga' by Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche, as I liked what he was saying, and it made sense.  He was a calming person to listen to as well, so I liked that.

I feel better for writing about these things.

Hope  :)

Oh, Hope. I cam see why those would be so triggering and I am with you on the not knowing part. I find that very very hard to have these things that appear to be partial flashbacks and have no idea what's happening and why.

And I am often confronted by statements similar to your husband's and it is for some reason so hard to explain. I am happy to leave the past to the past, and prefer to do so. But random things will trigger me and my body is reacting and affecting my life and I have no explanation, nothing to target in EMDR, no way to explain it to the people who watch it happen.

All they to say, you're not alone. I'm not either.

And I am sorry that you were triggered and scared and upset. I'd have had the same reaction to the assessment too and if later you can let the researcher know that many of us can't answer questions like that and to have an I don't know or I can't answer that option would help them not lose participants. You could even point them to or remind them of research on the nature of traumatic memory and dissociation.

Hugs if you'd like...





:grouphug:

Hi Hope,

I'm sorry you had such a strong experience to that video!!  :bighug: :bighug: The last thing I would ever want to do is cause you distress. It was just such a fascinating way to look at it for me and I feel like maybe I gush about it but it's not right for everyone. I've noticed that the responses are not always trauma focused on how to work through things, that you need to realign what he's saying for trauma - ie cultivating bodhicitta and serving others needs a different framework if you grew up as a ppl pleaser in a chaotic household.

I'm glad you're going to continue with JF's approach. My initial response is if we bury these things and leave them in the past, they're going to "haunt" us. It seems like a dissociation to just cut these things off? But I think your husband and TWR might be saying the same thing in a way - that you are not that same person that you were when those things happened; it's only the idea of who you were at that time if that makes sense...a pain identity. When these strong emotions come up, we let them "self liberate" (and don't grasp them as part of us or avoid them) but just exist and dissolve because they are just fragments and we relax our identification with them. How this works in a body that is wired for trauma, I don't know.

I'm glad you're feeling better after those reactions. These are very intense things to face  :grouphug:

I think you hit the nail on the head as well - it's the not knowing that's scarier than the knowing. Apparently, it's not the extremity of what happens to us that causes PTSD but the unpredictability.

dolly

ps it might not be for everyone but I've tried visualizing protectors in my room before sleep. TWR talked about Dakinis (like angels) guarding your space and being whatever size etc you need them to be. Sometimes I find that ideas or fears still get through, but it's also been kind of helpful I think. It might not align with everyone's views tho.

i hope you have a great day hope.  sending some sunshine your way. 
p.s.
I like the idea of protectors in my room at night.   :sunny:

Quote from: Hope67 on November 02, 2021, 08:55:07 AM
However, I think that the fact that when I decided to try to get to sleep, and I told myself that I could 'let whatever happens happen' meant that parts of me that were normally dormant, or had not bothered me too much lately, then had permission to access my body, and therefore the distressed fearful part was terrified, and acted that out in my sleep - hence the night terror.  I realise it could have just been coincidence, but previous nights I had been careful to prepare myself for sleep by saying 'this part of me feels...' rather than allowing myself to just 'be whatever'.  I know I'm not explaining this very well.  I know what I mean, at least.

This makes sense to me.  :grouphug: to you and the Parts for whom a hug feels comforting.

Hi Hope, that sounds so intense and quite overwhelming. How are you doing now?

So many people don't understand trauma or how it works, and think it's just a choice to leave the past in the past and forget about it. Unfortunately that's not the way it works, if it did, we'd all do so and be done with it. Our brains and our bodies don't know that those events are over now and that we are safe now. We can't just decide to not have flashbacks anymore (if only we could!). There are things we can actively control about our bodies (for example, we can deliberately adjust our breathing, we can decide to move our limbs, etc.), but there also things that are beyond our control. There are automatic processes in our body (like our digestion, or white blood cells fighting infection) and those have nothing to do with our thoughts or deliberate choices we make. Maybe this would be a way to help explain things to your husband?

I am glad Janina Fisher's work is proving to be helpful to you. Anything that helps is a good thing :)

Hi Armee Thanks for your validation, and also for the hugs.  Your suggestion also to let the researcher know that I found it difficult to complete the assessment is something I'd ideally like to do, but there are parts of myself that won't let me do that.  I think it's because I would feel like she would then know who I am, and making contact with her doesn't feel safe to parts of me.  Hence I won't do that.  But I also wish that I felt able to.  I think that would be braver.  Sending hugs also to you Armee  :hug:

Hi Dollyvee I actually was grateful to hear your perspectives on the information you'd been reading about, and I liked your enthusiasm for it.  I still intend to listen to the remaining 30 minutes of his session, but so far haven't yet done so - I hope to over the weekend.  I really like your mentioning the visualisation of protectors are night, it reminded me of some things that a forum member (might have been Kat) had suggested to me about a friendly protective bear, when smaller parts of me had been very frightened at night.  It also reminds me of the concept of a 'dream-catcher' that somehow feels quite protective too.  I used to have one of those, and for a while I had felt a bit safer at night for the fact it was there.  I like the mention of Dakinis (angels).  You talked about 'haunting' and that made sense too, and yes, unpredictability, that is hard to negotiate.   

Hi Larry  So lovely that you brought some sunshine over, I am happy to see that, you made me smile.  Thank you.  Yes, I also like the idea of protectors at night. 

Hi Notalone I really appreciate you confirming that what I wrote made sense, that was very validating to hear that.  I also appreciate the hugs,  :hug:  thank you.

Hi Owl Thanks for asking how I am now.  I am doing better - it took a while to re-stabilise myself.  I was quite shaken by the experience, and especially as I'd hoped I was free of night terrors for a while.  I'd not had any for a while.

***************
5th November 2021
Janina Fisher had said (not sure when or where) but she said this "Feelings are so dangerous in an unsafe family" and she commented that she wouldn't ask a trauma patient what they're feeling, as it's a very triggering question.  I found that interesting.  Also the fact that she mentioned that "different parts hold different perspectives and memories".

Regarding sleep, I've slept better this past couple of nights.  No more night terrors.  I have been dreaming, and the content has been quite realistic, but nothing distressing.  I'm relieved.

I was dancing to some music today - and whilst I was dancing I felt a really strong whoosh of emotion, like I wanted to cry, but I just observed it, and thought that part of me is upset and feels like crying, and I felt where that feeling was held in my body, and concentrated on it, but still kept dancing, and the feeling then passed away, and I ended up feeling some happy emotions, and feeling energised at the end of dancing.  So I'm glad that I did that.

Hope  :)

Hope, I appreciated reading your post.  I haven't really explored the parts of myself and it helps me to consider that different parts may have different responses/feelings.  It helps me understand myself a bit more.  Thanks for sharing. 

Thanks, Hope, for sharing this thoughtful reflection. I especially noted the Janina Fisher reference, where she notes the difficulty of finding where a multiple trauma survivor's feelings are at any given moment.

I had one T who would stop me all the time and ask "how are you feeling?". I had no answer, only a jumble of reactions like flashbulbs briefly popping but instantly gone. It is very difficult to emerge with one reaction sometimes, as they all seem to run together, melting into a puddle of weird substances -- real but confusing, more scary than indicating any recognizable substance. Just confusion --  :stars:. So, as Fisher explained, feelin gs are dangerous -- not only within the muddle of troublesome family upsets, but in the storm-clouds that hover around afterwards.

Anyway, I think she's on to something with that observation, as are you by noting it. Good to hear you've had better sleeps of late -- may that bode well for you during your journey forwards.  :hug:

 :sunny:
thinking of you

Hi Rainydiary Woodsgnome and Larry  Thank you all for what you said, and I appreciate all of you, and am sending you a hug, if that's ok  :grouphug:

***********
Just feeling glad that this forum is here, it is so supportive and everyone in it is valued.  Can't say more right now, as I'm supposed to be cooking some food - must get back to doing that. 
Hope  :)

i agree with you, hope.  this is a wonderfully caring community, and you help make it so.  love and hugs :hug:

Hi Hope,

I'm glad you were able to take that stuff on board despite what it brought up in you - and to come out dancing! Happy that the dreams have been more restful too.

I don't think I've ever thought of it like that, even though it's probably known on some level: "feelings are dangerous in an unsafe family." Can't show any weakness, at least that's how I interpreted it. It's a part of the fabric of who I am, all the time.

dolly

Hi SanMagic, You're so kind and lovely, thank you for saying that.   :hug:

Hi Dolly,  Yes, dancing was fun!   :cheer:  Dolly - I'd like to also send you a hug if that's ok  :hug:

************
7th November 2021
Last night I had another night terror - my partner told me about it, he said that I screamed again and was very distressed.  My own memories of that are that I knew something was going on last night, but I don't specifically remember screaming.  I don't specifically remember feeling very distressed either.  I do remember that I was having disturbing dreams about potentially having an illness.  This probably relates to the fact that I am trying to persuade parts of myself that I should go for a well woman kind of check-up with a doctor - with my doctor, the doctor I've not actually met yet as I've been too scared to go to see that doctor.  One of my friends had been saying that she thinks it's a good idea to have a check-up and bloods checked etc, things like thyroid and blood sugar levels, and different things, and she said her own doctor does those checks regularly.  I'd like to have a check up done, but I am scared that my younger parts will end up making me cry or get anxious in the session, and I'd like to be able to cope like I imagine non traumatised people would.

(There's a part inside who is really upset about this, and makes me feel like I'm wailing inside, but I'm telling myself it's a part of me that feels that way, and the feeling is subsiding)

At the beginning of the night, last night, I also had lots of visual images going through my mind - really graphic shapes, some became faces, some became just a kalaidoscope of different things.  So I guess my mind was racing really.

The other thing I've considered is the fact that I've been fasting at night - for the past couple of weeks, and so I get really hungry, and I'm wondering if I get more night terrors as a result of that.  My mind was thinking of the fact that a glass of warm milk before bed might make me less 'active' in my mind, and that I might settle and sleep without night terrors.  But I am trying to fast at night so that I don't gain weight.  I wanted to give my body a chance to not have to digest anything for those hours overnight, and therefore I'm not sure whether to carry on or whether to just have a glass of warm milk.

Interesting that I feel ok about having written those things, which is unusual as I sometimes think I shouldn't write so much, but today, I feel like I needed to say something, and I was glad to write - I feel more comfortable somehow.  That's good.

Hope  :)

 :hug:

My wish would be that you are able to do what takes care of Hope the best. I think it's true that not getting enough good sleep contributes to weight gain so maybe a glass of warm milk at night can be viewed as calorie-neutral for a trial period?

I also know that what we logically know and what we are able to do especially with parts can be worlds apart. And I'm afraid this might be leaning too much to advkce-giving? I was just thinking about some of my medical experiences and how they would have been different and better for me if I had not insisted on pretending to have it all together. If I had been honest with the doctor that I have trauma and things are not ok and medical things can be harder in certain ways.

I definitely have the capacity to grit my teeth and pretend I am fine with anything. But I recently had to tell my primary care doctor that I have ptsd and dissociation so she could sign a medical leave form. All this was done electronically so I haven't seen her since last March but there's a relief that comes with knowing that certain people know the truth and you can just be yourself around them -as much as parts allow.

I've always made myself the one who has it all together, I'm great and yes, I can take care of this and this and this. I forced myself to behave like a "normal" person would and tried to hide everything. I remember finally going to a trauma retreat my T wanted  me to go to, online. It was the first time I had ever allowed my traumatized self to choose how we behave instead of having on a normal mask. I felt so much relief just being myself. If I felt like wringing my hands I could ring my hands. If I needed to hold a stuffy I could hold a stuffy. If I dissociated in front of everyone, so be it.

Sorry. That was long. I just know for myself at least how pretending has been really hard and I wonder if you might be able to write a little introductory note you hand to the intake nurse to give to the doctor that just says something simple like:  "I'm Hope. I don't want to talk about it, but I want you to know that I have complex trauma and to please use trauma-informed care approaches with me."

Sorry for veering into advice. I just would have avoided some really awful stuff if I had been honest with my medical team. I'm still not sure I will be in the future. It's harder to do than it seems.

Hugs, Hope. I wish for deeper more peaceful sleep for you.

hey, hope,

i agree that a glass of warm milk at bedtime, maybe on a trial basis, might give you information re: being able to sleep without terror.  i feel so bad you have to go thru that. 

when i first moved back to the states, my D would go to the doc with me because i couldn't retain information, got extremely anxious, and would often shut down.  she would get all the info for me cuz about 15 min. into the exam my brain was pretty much done.  is there perhaps someone who could go with you to help you thru a wellness exam?  that way you don't have to worry about being 'normal', can just be yourself, but can also know you'll get all the info you need cuz someone else will be responsible for that part.  just a thought.

hope, i'm just so glad you have a supportive partner as you go thru this.  thank the stars for that. and i'm also glad you were able to write what you wanted here.  i think that's some major progress for you.   sending love and a hug filled with relief. :hug:

Hi Hope,

Thanks for the hug. I also wanted to say thank you for raising the post around The Courage to Heal. Reading the comments and peoples' relationship to the book showed me how important it was to them despite any negative side effects, but also how long change takes to come into our collective consciousness about certain things and how some people will fight it (and what their intentions may be for doing so).

I can understand how the check up might be triggering. Sending you some support if that's ok.

dolly

 :sunny:
sending you some sunshine !

Hi everyone,
I will look forward to replying to what you said to me in my next visit to this journal, but for now, I am just going to say that I slept better last night, having had some hot milk.  I didn't have any night terrors, which I'm grateful about.

Really wanted to write more, but my brain is shutting down, so I am going to go and do something to relax, maybe watch TV for a bit.

Hope  :)

Hope, I appreciate you noticing what you need right now and taking care of those things the best you can. :hug:

Just wanted to let you know I've read your post.   :grouphug:

 :wave:

Hi Hope. I'll continue to hope for more nights without terror.

 :yeahthat:  wonderful news that you got to have a night without night terrors.  well done.  i hope warm milk keeps helping.  we all deserve restful sleep.  love and hugs :hug:

 :)

Glad you slept better, Hope. :hug:

Thinking of you Hope and sending  :hug: :hug:

 :hug:

 :grouphug: to all of you.  Thank you  :hug:

***********
17th November 2021
I've struggled to write anything here in my journal in the past few days, it's been as if there's been a critical part of myself who has been more prominent and hasn't really helped me to come here - and definitely hasn't helped me feel able to write anything, but I feel like that has subsided now, and the effects of that part are less prominent today.  I am relieved, as I wanted to come here and write a few words.

I had wanted to reply individually to everyone who had commented in my journal, but didn't manage to do that.  So I'm just going to say thank you to you all and how much I appreciate you  :grouphug:

Now I realise I do have the resistance to writing - a part of me still blocks me just now.  I'll try again another day.  There are things I want to write about, and things I want to say.  I hope to say some of them in the coming days.

Hope  :)

i hope you are doing well,   everyone is here to support you ! 

Hope, I appreciate you noticing and sharing where you are right now.

 :grouphug:

Hi Hope.

I can't wait until you have the freedom to express yourself. You have so much to say and it'll be nice to read it.  :grouphug:

 :yeahthat:

i think it'll be interesting to discover what that resistance is all about.  you've come a long way on this forum, i've seen the progress you've made with being more open with yourself and with others.  could the resistance be related to that?  just a thought.  love and hugs, hope :hug:

 :)

I understand feeling resistance to writing here. I experience that sometimes too. Whether you share or not, you care cared for.

Hope, it seems more than okay that the writing just doesn't always come, and rarely does it come easily.

It's obvious you have the urge and love to share insights and info via your journal. There's lots of each of those elements packed into lots of what you've written about. There's usually a good, if nefarious, reason for that resistance to pop up. We know it by the name icr (inner critic).  :no:

You've shown so often that you want so much to share, but for most of us it's difficult. Bottom line is your writing has been an honest appraisal of where and how you're feeling.

Kudos for that and then some more  :applause: !  Self-care is what counts more than anything when we hit these bumps.

:hug:

I appreciate you all so much, and thank you for writing in my journal  :grouphug: 

I am feeling very emotional at the moment.  I feel very tearful and overwhelmed inside.  But I wanted to come here and write, and just say how much I appreciate the chance and space to write, and to feel heard and understood.

I have no idea what I'm going to write, so I'll write 'Trigger word' just incase...

I've been impressed by people who have been able to write about transitions and changes that they're going through.  I know that I tend not to write about those things, as they are so triggering to me, and hold such a lot of emotion and stuff.  But maybe at some point I will write more about those things, and I really think if I was able to do so, it would be helpful to me.  Help to process.

Often I think it's the things I don't talk about and don't mention that are the very things that I need to process. 

A theme for me is the things that I've not felt able to talk about - the things unspoken. 

I relate to issues relating to cults, even though I was never in a cult, but the fact is that I feel and relate to being in a very controlled family, where I was controlled and expected to be a certain way, and where I felt unable to be myself. 

I feel like whatever I've done in my life, there's always been a giant part of my life, or topics that I've felt are forbidden to talk about.  It's like so many sides are hidden.  But that's not healthy. That's living a lie.

Living many lies.

I probably will regret writing this, but at another tangent, I feel that it's good that I'm at least allowing myself to write something more freely.

I am grateful to Bach's description of her relative as 'that bloody woman' as I describe my M that way.  Yet, I feel also that I have guilt about that too.  There are different sides. 

I am hoping to start a new journal in the coming days, so it will my 'Part 2' of 2021, and I hope that that will be a journal where I feel freer to share things, and work through some things, and I am thankful and grateful to you all for the things you have said in response to things I've already written, as I really appreciate you all.

:grouphug:

Hope  :)

hope, i think many of us have been forced into lives of 'many lies'.  i know i have.  i applaud your courage for writing your truth :applause:.  i know how difficult it can be.  slowly but surely, we will be able to reduce the amount of lies, secrets, shame, guilt, and everything else that grows in the darkness.  i truly believe the more light we let in, we allow to shine on all those dark things, the better able we  are to diminish them.  like salting snails, they will wither and dry up in the light. but, as always, at your own pace and what feels best for you.  you're #1 in your process.

you are so brave, hope, writing what is frightening to write about.  you are so cared about, so loved, so deserving of having that darkness destroyed.  right beside you thru it all.  love and hugs :hug:

Hope, thank you for what you shared.  I hope that you continue to find what feels right in expressing. 

Hi Hope,

Wanted to say that we're here for you - both Hopes. The new Hope to be uncovered and the Hope in the journal we've come to know.

Good to hear you're processing things. Giving you a hug if that's ok  :grouphug:

dolly

Hi Hope!

I love seeing you write here and try to break through the internal barriers to express yourself. You have so much to offer. I also really respect how you listen to yourself and if the resistance is high you don't force it.

 :grouphug:  Thank you everyone.  I appreciate you all. 

***********
25th November 2021
I've struggled in the past few days, but I think I've surfaced out of 'something' today - it's like tentatively pointing a toe into some water, and experiencing some sunshine on the shore.  Thinking that maybe there's a way forward that is going to be alright, but at the same time fearing impending storms might spoil it.  Feeling embarrassed at the same time, about the previous fear.  Yet it was so real. 

Embarrassed now by what I've just written.  Time for a cup of tea.

Hope  :)

Quote from: Hope67 on November 25, 2021, 09:21:51 AM
I've struggled in the past few days, but I think I've surfaced out of 'something' today - it's like tentatively pointing a toe into some water, and experiencing some sunshine on the shore. 

I love the way you phrased that with your toe tentatively in the water and sunshine on the shore   :)

There has been a lot going on for you emotionally in the last little while so it's really good to hear you've surfaced out of something.

Your previous fear was very real. I accept you with that fear.  :hug: :hug:

 :hug:

Shame and embarrassment are often my reaction to disclosing fear, too. For me it takes the focus from the thing I was fearful of and puts it on me being bad. Safer.

And sometimes the fearful thing just loses some power when it is spoken and that's the whole point of getting it out of us.

So, I get feeling embarrassed and also there's no external reason to be embarrassed. Its ok to be afraid and to be embarrassed about being afraid.

It's a double-edged sword. Disclosing anything from our personal inner thoughts and feelings is extremely healthy, but terrifying at the same time. I admit that I feel a period of terror after every post I write in this forum, for fear I'll have worded it wrong, or exposed something about myself that I should be ashamed of.

It's trauma. That's all it is. It feels like I really need to be punished or thrown off the forum for having admitted something, or for having said something that hurt someone's feelings, or was just...plain...wrong. But it's trauma. No one is angry. No one is shaming us. Our trauma is wired to make us expect to be shamed for having opened up.

But, Armee, you are 100% correct: The whole point [of sharing our skittish thoughts] is getting it out of us.  It's very healthy. Very rewarding. And very terrifying.  All I can say is there is a lot of courage on this forum. Without fear, there is no courage. But when we share, through our fear, that's when we prove we have some serious courage.

i have been learning so much from everyone on this forum,  thank you for being here Hope !

Hi Hope,

Just wanted to say that Im sure in the past there has been a very real reason for you to have that fear and I'm sorry that you're having to go through it again but if you do go through it, if the storms are real, you have done so much work and have a lot of resources to cope.

Sending you a hug if that's ok  :hug:

dolly

Thank you everyone  :grouphug:

I'm tired just now, but I wanted to say how much I appreciate everyone here.   :hug:

Hope  :)

There are many things that I don't disclose here, so you are not alone in that. Like you, I try to listen to Parts who don't feel safe sharing certain things. Having said that, everything I write, whether about myself or to someone else, feels like a risk.

Sending you tender care, Hope.  :hug:

Quote from: Papa Coco on November 25, 2021, 07:12:31 PM
It's a double-edged sword. Disclosing anything from our personal inner thoughts and feelings is extremely healthy, but terrifying at the same time. I admit that I feel a period of terror after every post I write in this forum, for fear I'll have worded it wrong, or exposed something about myself that I should be ashamed of.

It's trauma. That's all it is. It feels like I really need to be punished or thrown off the forum for having admitted something, or for having said something that hurt someone's feelings, or was just...plain...wrong. But it's trauma. No one is angry. No one is shaming us. Our trauma is wired to make us expect to be shamed for having opened up.

But, Armee, you are 100% correct: The whole point [of sharing our skittish thoughts] is getting it out of us.  It's very healthy. Very rewarding. And very terrifying.  All I can say is there is a lot of courage on this forum. Without fear, there is no courage. But when we share, through our fear, that's when we prove we have some serious courage.

Very well put, Papa Coco

 :hug:

Hope, I am filled with such gratitude for you and what you offer here.  I appreciate what you share and what you offer to others.   :hug:

Hi Hope. 🙃

I came to give a hug but I'm feeling silly instead.

Hi Rainydiary and Armee
:hug: :hug:
Thanks to both of you.

************
6th December 2021
Today feel's like I'm 'wading through treacle' kind of feeling.  But I am managing to do things, slowly but surely.  However, I have tried to listen to some of the Super Trauma Conference sessions, and I'm a third of the way through one about 'Relational Trauma' by Heather Monroe, and for some reason I am finding it really aggravating to parts of myself.  It's something about how the person interviewing her is smiling and interacting with her, and it's as if they look 'happy' about the situations, and it's really annoyed part of myself. 

I had to stop taking notes and come here, to express this.  I realise that maybe attending these courses gets 'too much' for parts of myself to handle, and then they start to bring up strong feelings - which appear to direct against the person sharing the information.  That's not fair on them, but it's what's happened, and I just wanted to note it here.  It's happened before in situations, and I realise it could happen more than I realise, and maybe I react to those things (sometimes without realising). 

I couldn't watch any sessions yesterday - the content was 'collective trauma' and somehow just reading the people's backgrounds and some quite jargonistic descriptors of themselves was something that put me off.

There's been a lot of things going on in my home life too though, so maybe those are triggering me more than I realise. 

I realise the content of today's sessions in the super conference - i.e. so specifically related to 'Relational trauma' are probably the most triggering for me, and that's why more protective parts of myself are coming up, and making me feel like this. 

Anyway, I'm going to take a break, and hopefully enjoy a cup of tea. 

Hope  :)

I completely understand how the conference could activate more protective parts. Taking things slowly but surely sounds like a good plan.

I will bring you another cup of tea if that's something you would like. :hug:

I debated wanting to say anything, and I hope you're alright with my slipping this entirely subjective opinion along the lines of how you relate, or your parts do, to certain of these 'experts' (most of them truly are, but some seem a little caught up in their own branding/marketing).

So here's my risky subjective opinion, and this regards the presenter Caroline Myss. Like the person who interviewed her, I read her book about why people don't heal. In it she coined the word 'woundology' and makes no bones about how great an observation that was. I guess -- as if words are the be-all and end-all involved in healing from some pretty dire traumas.

Basically, I felt when I first read her old book that she was off-putting/dismissing the real pain that is involved with living through these types of trauma. Given that the interview launched right into it, I'll admit I couldn't take that approach here either. Perhaps she corrected my impression later on, but I didn't sense it and didn't want to hear anymore.

Basically, to me (or my parts) she was implying that the victim is to blame for their own pain (and/or holding onto it). How she talks about this strikes me as akin to that too familiar saying: "just get over it". How many times haven't I heard that from many well-intentioned folks. I'd try to understand them, gave them the benefit of the doubt (especially experts) and all I come away with is someone trying to lay tons of guilt on me for what a weakling I must be to have been so hurt. Followed up by 'expert' instructions on how to flip the switch and live happily ever after. I'm sorry -- grief happens and it runs deeper than any "blame-ology" could ever cure.

I'm sorry for taking space in your journal to say this, Hope67. As a general rule I prefer not to be negative, with Myss or any others but in her case I've almost felt reinjured at her suggestion that it's the victim's fault, etc. Some reviews of her elsewhere online suggest I'm not the only one who feels put-down by how she tends to use this blame-the-victim slant as her go-to attempt to 'help'. Huh?  :Idunno: What don't I get? Just a few tears, maybe -- all my fault, of course.

If you'd rather I hadn't interrupted your journal with my take, please feel free to delete it. I just felt like I wanted to point out my take, which is again subjective and wholly my own.

Take care, Hope  :hug:

Hi Snowdrop,
Thanks, I think that's definitely what was happening, the conference and issues within it activating and bringing up the emotions and feelings of some of my little parts who want to protect the vulnerable little parts, it definitely makes sense.  Thanks for the offer of the tea, I accept it and enjoy it. 

:hug:

Hi Woodgsnome,
I am grateful to you for sharing your thoughts on this, and for sharing how you felt about a presenter you'd come across.  I'm not sure if I've seen that particular presenter, but I will certainly bear in mind what you said.  There are definitely things that come up that people say that can either help or hinder, and it's good to discuss our thoughts on it - because then we can hopefully feel supported in taking our steps within what can be unchartered territory sometimes.

Yes, I've heard the 'just get over it' mantra too - wow, that's impossible to do. 

Thank you very much for writing in my journal - I always appreciate things you say, and welcome things from everyone here.  I am so grateful for the opportunity to 'talk about' things and share perspectives - it helps a lot.   :hug:

************
I was reflecting on how I have been feeling since I wrote what I last wrote in my journal - I think when I'm triggered by something, it can be the case that my younger parts end up focusing in on a person's non-verbal communication, and can actually really focus in on things like eye-gaze and smiling and facial expression, but that I can actually feel as if I'm 'mis-reading those things' - although there's another part of me that is convinced that what I'm seeing is how they're really feeling.  So there's some 'magical thinking' there. 

A memory of when I was little and I felt as if people weren't taking me seriously, that they were mocking me, or patronising me - that comes to mind somehow.  Flashbacks to that kind of feeling.

I've been feeling what I think are 'angry thoughts' or 'angry feelings' - and wanting to 'push away' physically against those 'things' - not sure what those things are, it's just a feeling of wanting to do that.

I don't get in touch with anger very often, but I feel like there's an 'angry part' who holds a lot of anger, and I am aware that part is activated by the session I watched about 'relational trauma' - I'm not sure I will watch the second part of it, and will probably not watch the remaining sessions.  I could only select a couple each day, and I've noticed that this effect happens whenever I try to watch Conferences.

I think I feel some anger that the professionals are keenly promoting their books and videos and everything, but the time taken to try to process the content of the sessions, when you are someone experiencing CPTSD - it's so heavy to do that.  Yes, they always offer the chance to buy the sessions to watch at your lesiure, and I did do that once - with a previous set of sessions, only to forget the code I need to unlock it and watch it. 

I feel apologetic as I feel like I'm ranting now, and that I'm ungrateful - when infact I am very grateful for the opportunity to watch the sessions, and I guess I'm just feeling the angst of knowing that this is such an ongoing and tough journey to traverse, and how long I've been focusing on it, but I feel like I need to pursue it, and I do feel like progress is happening - albeit coming into contact with emotions and feelings is hard for me.

I feel like I should give a trigger warning as I feel like I'm ranting, and somehow that feels scary to parts of myself - like I'm not in control of myself, but I think I've not really said anything bad here.  So maybe a warning isn't necessary.

I am glad that I have communicated all of the above, as it does feel like it's channeling my angst and getting it out of me to a safe place.

Thank you all for being there, and I hope to venture into your journals and catch up in the coming days, as I do read what you all write, but haven't popped into your journals for a while - I think the conference and things going on at home have been a bit too much for me to process.

Hope  :)

Hope, I appreciate you naming that it is helpful to have time to process and come back if needed.  I have been grateful to be part of groups and trainings where the trainings are recorded.  I find myself pausing when I need to and it is so helpful to watch when I am ready.  I personally would like to see more organizations offer this at no cost.  Things move too fast for no good reason. 

Hi Hope I think what you have to say is very important and valid and I'm glad youbare sharing it here. I'm sorry things are so tough at home right now..

Hi Hope,

I just wanted to say that I don't think it sounds like you're ranting, you're expressing your frustration. I'm guessing that that's something you weren't allowed to do growing up and was maybe even dangerous/threatening to do. I hope you see your journal as a dafe place to do that and process the things that are happening, no matter how ugly.

Woodsgnome brought up an interesting idea and is definitely something I felt at times throughout my life often with people who have no understanding of trauma and how it works in the body. I think it's important to reframe things for trauma and our experiences. I know with certain buddhist lectures/ideas it seems like its down to the strength of mind and if you can't get over it, you're weak. On the other hand, I've been seeing the benefit/how it can be beneficial to let the trauma go and not hold onto it. However, I think it's only possible once you've gone through it, warts and all. I hope that makes sense and is not too contradictory.

:hug:

dolly

Hope, I don't think you're ranting either. You're expressing your feelings and reactions to the conference sessions like annoyance and even anger. I remember when you really couldn't express those types of feelings at all on here so  :applause: for being able to do it now.  :hug: :hug:

wishhing you a nice day today

Thank you everyone  :grouphug:  I appreciate each and every one of you, and what you each said.  I'm sorry I've not replied individually to you.  But I want to send you all a hug.

**********
10th December 2021
I hope to start a new journal sometime soon - although maybe I'll use this 'part 1' journal till the end of 2021, and then start a new one for 2022.  Yes, that sounds like a good idea. 

Hope  :)

I appreciate you Hope.  I also have been thinking of a new journal and feel conflicted about when to start.  I look forward to reading wherever you write. 

Hi Hope! A new journal will be lovely part 2 or brand new.

 :hug:

Hi Rainydiary, Armee & Not Alone,
:hug: :hug: :hug:
Hope  :)

Quote from: Hope67 on December 06, 2021, 08:08:28 PM
Yes, they always offer the chance to buy the sessions to watch at your lesiure, and I did do that once - with a previous set of sessions, only to forget the code I need to unlock it and watch it. 

Hi Hope,
For you this was possibly not the most important sentence in your whole long post but what resonated for me was forgetting the code. That's the kind of thing that happens to me, that or some minor computer or Internet thing that throws a whole spanner in the works. I also have long-standing computer and phone difficulties because I lost 2 passwords and have no idea how to get a new password in either case, although I have enquired.  :hug: :hug: to you.

I hope the problems at home that you mentioned in your long post are easing up.

Hi Blueberry,
Thanks for sharing your experience of also having stuff happen re: computer/internet stuff.  I appreciate that.   :hug: :hug:

*************
19th December 2021
I feel like I've been on a roller coaster this past few days, but it's ok, I'm surviving the ups and downs of it, and it's ok!  I've wanted to come here to write, but literally it's not felt like there's been the time or the opportunity, but I still feel so glad that this space is here, and I really hope to get chance to think about how things have been going, and collect my thoughts for going forward with a fresh journal for 2022.  I would like to just note a few things in the end of this one - whilst 2021 is still here, and therefore that's my intention in the coming days - providing I get space and chance.

There's many things going on - I'm having to deal with some social things, and that's been interesting - but I have coped, and that's good.

Hope  :)

Good on you for coping, Hope!  :cheer: :hug: :)

Thank you Blueberry  :hug:

*************
22nd December 2021
I am unable to put into words things very well at the moment, but I am ok. 
Hope  :)

Hope, finding words being challenging resonates with me.  Words can be so powerful (in helpful and unhelpful directions) and also be difficult to describe  our experience(s).  I hope that you find a way of expression even if it isn't words if that would be supportive.

 :hug:

 :hug:

 :hug:

 :grouphug:  Thanks for your hugs, and I appreciate them.

************
28th December 2021
The end of 2021 is approaching, and I hope to start a new journal for 2022.  It's been a tough few days, as there have been unexpected things happening, and I've been negotiating my way through the ups and downs of that.  But it's ok.

I really want to be able to write more about some of those things, but I actually don't feel able to, as I think that talking about any situation is likely to make me feel vulnerable. 

Yet I dislike the fact that I feel 'tied up' by my inability to be open.  That I am always cautious about what I say and who I say it to. 

I have re-read some things I wrote in this forum back in previous years, and been amazed by my openness - how I was able to talk about things that I've not shared previously - or not shared very much, and that it was helpful to do that.  I think I need to be brave in 2022 and see what happens.  Afterall, life is finite, and I've got some years left, I would like to live them without so much fear.  What am I afraid of?  Difficult to say.

What has occurred to me is that my time line for when things happened in my life has not been accurate.  I've discovered that I was actually older than I anticipated at certain times, and younger at others.  The fragmented nature of memories, and particularly due to trauma, it makes it so difficult to form anything that makes sense sometimes, but I'm gradually working things out and trying to piece things into a narrative that makes some sense. 

My hope is that I can loosen up and just communicate things - here in my journal and elsewhere in the forum.  I think that would be better for me, and so I hope I can achieve that.

Hope  :)

i have the same hope for you, dear hope.  i've found wonderful results, especially on this forum, from being open.  i know it can be scary - fear of judgment is a big one for me - but i'm glad i've done it anyway.  all in all it's been a helpful learning experience.  best to you with this.  love and hugs :hug:

It's really tough to be open especially on a public forum.

Maybe you'll be able to share how you are feeling, without specifics, but I know how hard the dissociation and fragmentation make even that.

I'm sorry this happens to you.  :hug:

I'm sorry you are going through a lot right now, too.

Hi SanMagic & Armee,
Thank you both - I really appreciate what you both said.  :hug: :hug:

**********
30th December 2021
So, the end of 2021 is approaching, just one more day.  I've not really managed to do much in the way of summarising things from this year, or concluding things - such were my hopes to do that, but it's been harder to find my way through the past days than I anticipated, BUT, I'm actually feeling relatively ok today, and I have some positive feelings about 2022, that it will be an ok year - I hope so.  I am optimistic, is what I'm trying to say.

Last night I dreamed that someone I know had died - and now I wonder whether they are actually likely to die or not.  I think it's unlikely - as the person I dreamed about would have no reason to die - BUT, I think that some friends I knew did die around Christmas time in previous years, so maybe it's that uncertainty of life, that made me fear for someone that I know.

Looking at my language as I write this, I feel as if I'm writing in that laboured way - like the Victorian woman in long skirts kind of person that I feel is within me sometimes.

Feeling as if I'm stilted and repressed and not able to express myself, yet at the same time, when I re-read things I've written, they actually look ok - it's a strange thing.

I noticed that there was a free replay of a trauma conference, and I was going to put a link up about that, but I actually felt a bit over-whelmed the last time I tried to watch some of those - even though I found some of them helpful, it took a lot out of me to watch them, and maybe that's way I've neglected to put the link up.

...I'm going to try to be open to any thoughts and feelings in this moment, and see what I write about here - what comes to mind is that I got a Christmas card from a relative (purposefully not saying which one, as I feel like I get 'stalked' in terms of my feelings about that) - but I ripped the card up.  There was a really overtly pointed remark made in the card, and it wasn't nice.  Also, the communication at all was unwanted.  I don't want any cards.  No communications from that person.  I do feel angry about the fact that person did that.  (Another side/part of me feels differently about it of course - but essentially - I feel angry about it).

I have taken a break from reading any self-help books in the past month.  I've found that to be quite good for me - to take a break from it.  But I feel sure I'll want to read something in the new year. 

I'm wondering whether to tear up notes I've made about some things.  Not sure about that. 

Glad to have written this today.  Feels good that I wrote some things.
Hope  :)

 :thumbup: :applause: on ripping that card up! I remember the first time I did that it felt really good. I see/read that you were expressing anger. I'm proud of you! :cheer:  Because I remember back to when that was pretty near impossible for you.

I think that you expressed yourself well in what you wrote - it's all totally comprehensible and doesn't sound stilted to me. Just a little feedback ;)  but I do accept the Victorian woman in long skirts part of you. Undoubtedly she has her reason for being or for thinking the way she does. I hope that makes sense to you and is not prescriptive. Please ignore if not helpful.

About the trauma conference replay, I got an email about it too. I'm sure everybody did who was originally registered and they are probably also the only people who can access the replay so I wouldn't bother posting it especially not as you feel a bit overwhelmed. Just take care of you instead! "Just". As if it were so easy.

I love that you're feeling optimistic about 2022!  :)  :hug:

Hi, Hope ... mainly I'm just wanting to acknowledge my attunement to how you feel about those conferences and readings. First, though, if it's okay, I'd just like to offer a heartful  :hug:

About those overwhelmed feelings per conferences/readings, I get entirely where you're coming from on these. I think all of us are so eager to find these as ways to figure out what, except for some hidden detail, how to stem the pain of the bad times. I suppose this could be called the perfectionist trap -- the notion that we'll actually find an answer when we're not even sure what the question might be.

It still seems important, though, to learn what and where we can about the life we missed. For me, though, I've given up any honest hope that the clouds are about to permanently be rolled back on those memories that trap me no matter what. It's awful and the conferences/books can exacerbate the pain. So it seems important to sift, rather than probe too deep. Finding the balance between wanting knowledge as relief and just living where and how I've come to be seems key.

We have the access to some outer sources, anyway. And we're  all at varying stages of absorbing what seems useful. All of this  is still present, and it's good to have some of it in the background. It may (but sadly may not) relieve some of what drove us underground, but it goes at its own pace.

 :hug:

hope, i love the visual of you ripping that card up.  way to go!   :thumbup:  i've found extra strength in the physicality of doing something tangible to things like that.

also wanted to mention the great self-care you're employing by taking a break from trauma work, whether in written or visual form.  i've found breaks to be the best medicine at times.  keep listening to yourself - that's real progress.  love and hugs :hug:

 :cheer:

Great job expressing your anger at the unwanted communication!!!!

And I'm so happy to see you here writing. It is clear and I get a sense of you.

2nd January 2022
Thank you all so much for what you wrote  :grouphug:  I wanted to write more, but I have to go out in a few minutes, and so I hope to come back either later today or another day, and just finish off writing a few things in this journal, and then start a new one.  But I am so happy that you all wrote what you did, and I appreciate all of you.   :hug:

Hope  :)

4th January 2022
I'd hoped to write something individually to the people who wrote in my journal in recent weeks, but I realise that my fear of endings has somehow meant I would struggle to perhaps do that, so I'll just say that I appreciate all that you wrote, and hope that you'll pop into my new journal too - which I intend to start sometime later this week.  This is my final entry into this particular journal, and I feel the need to write about a dream I had last night, but I seem to remember that I had a journal somewhere else in the forum where I'd written about dreams, so maybe I'll go there to write it down.  Yes, I think I will - providing I can find it...

So, what do I want to write today, to finish this journal - just that I do recognise that I have made some progress over the past year, and that the process of journalling and sharing thoughts and feelings here, in the journal and in other parts of this forum, have been valuable, and all the replies I've had, and the wisdom of things people have said, they are invaluable.

I can see the title of this journal was 'Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1) - and I had anticipated that I'd have more parts to the journal, but it seems the entire year passed, and there was only one part.

Yet, I have discovered more about the parts of myself, and realise there are several parts.  I can't really give them names, as I don't feel as if I 'know' them well enough, and I know they're all parts of me.  I do communicate with them, and I listen to them, and I try to acknowledge and welcome each and every part, and I think they are relaxing more, and allowing me to hear and see things that they communicate to me.  I don't feel as if I can have a proper dialogue with them yet though - and I wonder if that will happen in time.  I don't know.

I'm going to think about a new title for my next journal.  Not sure what it will be.  I'll try to find the 'dream' area and write about that dream.

Hope  :)