Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)

[woodsgnome]

It's very nice to see your presence here again, Hope67. I also trust it's okay to leave a brief reaction to your note that a teen part of you was perhaps able to help you see the futility of reasoning about the incident with your in-law, and was able to provide the best 'wisdom' of all, just by laughing about it.

No, I'm not suggesting that laughing things off is always the best response. I'm mostly just glad that one of your inner parts nudged you to consider that way to respond.       Nonetheless It's often helped me, not just in lessening triggering moments or memories, but in projecting the attitude that there really is no way to make sense of the senseless. Laughter works mysteriously, and in response to those sorts of situations and people, sometimes is indeed the best salve for the wound; even if the laugh is rendered silently.

For years I just tried to live with the shame until the lightbulb came on, and I could only laugh. Again, not laughing it away -- that stuff all happened. As stated, though, it also had an absurdity to it that my instinct to cry was replaced with laughter; which cleared the mind's cobwebs. With one exception for me -- I've never been able to muster a laugh about what my m did to me. Perhaps it's just the should-have-been closeness/tenderness that was entirely absent from her.

Okay, enough of my yapping    Just welcoming you back here and hoping you can continue moving past the recent setback. To help you, I want to leave you with this ~~~  ... better than laughter, even.

[Armadillo]

Hi Hope!! 

[Hope67]

12th July 2021

I am so grateful to everyone who has commented in my journal during the recent months (and indeed in the entirety of the past), as I've appreciated what each of you have said so much.  Thank you 

Something that particularly struck me was when Armadillo said (back on 10th June) that 'anger spoke up for you' regarding the abusive E-mail I'd received from my FOO member.  She also mentioned 'emotions coming through too' - and I completely agree - the emotions have been coming through, and I have been feeling them stronger than I would ever have before.   Armadillo, your comments are much appreciated by me, thank you 

SanMagic7 kindly spoke to me of showing a 'healthier' me, and I valued hearing that very much.  Thank you 

Tee - thank you so much for the warm hug to all the parts that wanted it - there were many parts that did, and I very much appreciated your kindness of that hug 

Blueberry and Snowdrop - thank you for sharing your experiences of the vaccine and flashbacks related to that.  It was interesting to hear that you also thought that some of your parts felt as if they'd been poisoned (Snowdrop) and that you experienced the sore arm (Blueberry). 

Blueberry - thank you also for what you said about also feeling 'stuck behind glass' - as that made me feel less alone with that experience, and I felt validated.   

Snowdrop - yes, I did feel better for writing things out the other day - and for using the  symbol.  It was definitely helpful.

BeeKeeper - Yes!  'Feeling' more and noticing 'progress' - and your comment about those things leading to a better place - I am already feeling that is happening.  Although it's felt very dire at times.

Woodsgnome - thank you for the hug and welcome back    Thank you for your wise words about laughter and for sharing your experience of that in your own journey - I found it very helpful to hear what you said about a part of me that felt able to use laughter as a way to cope - I am so grateful that part of me is there - there are many very serious parts that need to lighten up (in my view) although I respect completely their desire to protect me and keep me safe.  But all my parts are working together, and each in their way, doing valuable things.  It's good to hear how you were able to spot that part of me, and validate its role with the laughter.

Armadillo - thanks again for that welcome and the group hug 

************
So, I'm going to write myself a few notes to remind me of things I want to catch up on:

I'd like to venture into other people's journals and catch-up - but I am still very focused on getting through the day and to some degree still over-whelmed by things going on - so I need to pace this.

I'd like to update on the book I was reading - sensori-motor psychotherapy - and things I wanted to say about it - I can say it has definitely been helpful, and I've learned things and experienced things as a result of trying some of the work-sheets.

I would like to start reading Carolyn Spring's book entitled 'Shame' BUT I feel a bit scared (or parts of myself feel a bit scared) of venturing into that area.  So I'm not sure if it's a good time for me yet to do this.  Not sure.

I know I have a lot of stressful things going on in my day to day life at present.  I am reluctant to say what they are, as I am aware that I have highly anxious parts who don't want me to divulge things.  They are extra hyper-vigilant.  They are concerned I don't share too much. 

I think my FOO's previous communications really caused me to retreat into a very defensive pose - and I'm still scared of potential 'attack' (if that makes sense). 

Hope 

[Jazzy]

HI hope!

I'm so glad to hear that your emotions are coming through more now!

All the other things you mentioned are important points to. I hope you find the time to explore them further, and share more if you are able.

[Hope67]

Thanks Jazzy    I appreciate your comments. 
Hope 

[BeeKeeper]

Hope,

Hats off to doing a great job to being you! 

I love that goal of pacing yourself! So important. I like the fact that you acknowledge where you are, and how you might have gotten there. I like that you want to read certain things, but are cautious about timing. Most of all, you are the first one that used the Internal Family System idea of "parts" and since then, years ago, it's helped me learn and open up to better possibilities!

A good strong and warm  from me to you.

[Hope67]

Bee Keeper,
Thank you so much, I felt that good strong and warm hug, and reciprocate it 

Yes, I am attempting to pace myself.  Thanks also for the things you said - I am glad that you have also found 'parts' to be helpful and that the Internal Family System has opened up possibilities in your own life.  I have certainly found it helpful in mine.  I think Richard Schwartz has written a new book - something like 'There are No Bad Parts' as the title (but I'm not sure if that's the title, as I've not double checked) - but I'm thinking of buying it to have a read. 

Hope   

[Snowdrop]

I bought "No Bad Parts" last week, Hope, and I'm finding it helpful. It's out on Kindle, so it could be worth downloading a sample to see what you think.

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop,
That is great.  I have pre-ordered the book - I think it's due to be despatched in August sometime, but I will try to have a look at a section from Kindle in the meantime.   Thank you.  I'm really glad to hear you're finding it helpful.  I am excited to read it, when the time comes.   

Hope 

[Libby183]

So good to have you back again, Hope.
We shared a lot of family of origin issues when we talked previously, and I'm sorry that things aren't much improved for you.

It's such a hard journey, isn't it? But at least we are here for each other.

[Hope67]

Dear Libby,
Thank you - I missed you too, and it's good to catch up with you again.  I remember sharing a lot of family of origin issues with you, and it's good that we are able to connect along the journey of dealing with stuff like that.  Being here for each other is meaningful, and thank you 

************
18th July 2021
I think that some things are shifting and changing for me at the moment.  I don't know how to describe it really.  I don't think I'll try for the moment, and maybe words will come more easily at another time.  But I wanted to reflect on that briefly here - that I have noticed some changes.  I think they are changes for the better, so that's a good thing. 

Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I can relate to that feeling of shift while also not being sure how to describe.  I will be thinking of you as you explore and consider and reflect. 

[Hope67]

Thanks Rainydiary.

************
18th July 2021
I've had a very draining and challenging situation to deal with today, but I got through it, and I think I was able to set some boundaries with someone.  So that was a good outcome.  But I feel very tired now.  It took a lot out of me.

I am going to try to rest and focus on something else, to take my mind off going over it again, because I've managed to cope, and I can't really do much more with what I did.

Part of me wants to write more, but another part of me is resistant to that, so I'll wait till I can write more - when I've had a rest.
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,

i so get the idea of wanting to be here, yet not having the energy to do so because of whatever else is happening in our lives.  i've been mostly out the past few months, and, yes, pacing is a good word for it.  sometimes life is overwhelming, or one thing piles up on another, and we only have so much energy to deal with it all.  we are here for you no matter what.  your priorities are important for your well-being, and that is totally respected here.

congrats on the boundary-setting.  yep, it certainly can take a whole lot out of us when we tackle something like that.  well done, hope!  love and hugs

[Armee]

 

I wish for things to continue shifting in a positive way for you and I think it sounds like you've done a pretty admirable job of staying mostly steady after the abusive communications from your FOO. I know it took a big toll but also I feel this strength and resilience coming through too.

And great job setting boundaries and not second guessing yourself much.