Not Alone: 2021

[Snowdrop]

Back pain is horrid. I hope you feel better soon, Not Alone. Your H's (lack of) reaction makes me feel on your behalf.

Well done for emailing your co-workers. You're right, sharing pain and getting support is part of being in community. I'm glad they were so supportive.

Care and compassion to you and the new Little.

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, I hope that your back pain eases soon.  I think it is amazing you reached out to colleagues and that they responded with support - I agree that it is part of being in community.  I find it so hard to get to that place of trust with others and I'm glad that had a positive outcome.  I feel deeply in heart your H's lack of responsiveness to your needs.  I can also relate to not wanting to sleep because of dreams/nightmares.  I hope you find some ease soon. 

[Not Alone]

Armee and Snowdrop, I read your responses before I left for work. I didn't have time to respond, but your empathy was a comfort to me.

Rainydiary, Thank you for your care and understanding. I thought of you in the work situation. I felt sad that your coworkers were the opposite of helpful and caring. 

Update on my back: It is improving quite a bit. I'm being very careful. I've seen the chiropractor twice and have another appointment Monday. (Not surprising, still no words about it from my AVOIDANT husband.)

I told T the new memory. He believed me. It is hard for me to believe that he does believe me. He said that sometimes that takes time. I really felt his compassion. I felt like he was very present with me, it that makes sense.

[Hope67]

Hi Not Alone,
I'm sorry to hear you've been having back pain, and I really hope that you get some helpful treatment from your chiropractor. 

I'm glad that your T believed you and that you felt his compassion.  Feeling him being present with you, it does make sense. 

Sending you a gentle hug 
Hope 

[Armee]

It makes perfect sense and I feel so comforted the days that I feel my T is very very present.

I'm glad your back is feeling better and that you are at a point when you can share these memories with T so you can be believed. You deserve to have someone help you with them.

[Bach]

[Snowdrop]

Well done for telling T the new memory. I'm glad he was present with you, heard you and believed you.

Good news about your back being on the mend as well.

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Hope, Armee, Bach, & Snowdrop.     


My T wasn't able to meet in person today. He asked about doing a telehealth session. I didn't have much time to process this because I didn't see the message until I left work. When we did do telehealth during the quarantine, it was extremely distressing to me. I asked him if we could do a phone session. That is what we did. I feel good that I took care of myself by still having the session and by not doing triggering telehealth.

My eating/binging has been out of control. I'm feeling so much fear and feeling so needy. I'm grasping for comfort.

[Not Alone]

I tried reading others' posts. I just can't focus right now.

Yesterday when I went to an appointment, I was triggered by something in the room. I didn't have direct memories; I quickly pushed everything away. I think I've been pretty impacted by the trigger. Now I fear more new memories.

I won't see T for two weeks. That feels scary. I feel like  that I need him so much. Looser.

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, I appreciate you sharing about your experiences.  I am sorry to hear about the trigger and the emotions coming up from it.  I resonated when you talked about grasping for comfort as I see that in myself right now especially with eating.  I also resonated with the emotion coming up at not being able to see or meet with a person that offers connection as your T does.  I hope that your nervous system settles a bit and that you feel continue to feel good for taking care of your needs and building relationships with people that nourish you. 

[Armee]

Not a loser. 

I know you wouldn't call me a loser for barely being able to make it two days when I'm triggered without contact with T.

I'm sorry he's gone. You need his empathy and understanding right now.

I'm sorry about the trigger. Take care ok?

[Not Alone]

Thank you RainyDiary. I appreciate your understanding.

Armee, you're right, I would never call you or anyone else "loser." I do need his (T's) empathy now, but that is always the case.


I've had a pretty good day. Right now I'm feeling shaken. I don't know why. Overwhelmed.

[Snowdrop]

I know that feeling of being shaken and overwhelmed. I hope it passes soon. If it helps, I will fetch you a hot drink and put a soft blanket round your shoulders.

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Snowdrop. I will do that for myself later today and thing of you doing that for me. As I write that I have tears in my eyes as I feel your care. 

I'm feeling better this morning. Some of what I felt last night might have been caused by sitting near my H. I'm not sure. He is not home right now so I feel a measure of peace, although he will be home soon. If anyone were to look into our house they would see a place of peace and would not understand why I have distress. It stems from his avoidance. As a child, I had to act like everything is okay. I feel that same pressure, even though I don't always act okay and my H hasn't directly said to act okay. The few times he's stated his feelings, he has expressed that he wants this (c-PTSD/dealing with my trauma) to be over. I feel that pressure.

"The Avoidant Partner can and will prevent the development of a real life-giving marriage. They nurture the appearance but deny the love reality of marriage. To the undiscerning their home is so very peaceful. In the spirit the home is the tomb/womb of the avoidant. It is a hiding place, a retreat, and the peace is not life-giving to the inhabitants. To the visitor all is well. From the outside all is well. Ill health and death linger in the halls where love has not been allowed to settle. "

https://www.christian-marriage-counselling.com/avoidant-personality-and-marriage.html

[Snowdrop]

I had to act like everything was ok as a child too.

Healing from trauma takes as long as it takes, and it's certainly not a linear, straightforward process. You are healing at the pace that's right for you.