Out of the Storm

  :heythere:       :sunny:          :cheer:       :boogie:        :whistling:               :grouphug:               :cloud9:               :umbrella:               :yes:            :bighug:            ;)       

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Starting my new journal a day early.  :bigwink: Instead of giving my journal a meaningful title, I just titled it with the year. Maybe the subtitle would be: "We'll see where we need to go and take the journey step by step." Long subtitle.  :rofl:

This morning I went through my folder of papers and art work from 2020. I sorted those and filed papers into different categories. Most were added to boxes of previous years' papers and journals. The boxes have notes on top asking the contents to be destroyed in case of my death. Why am I keeping such vulnerable paperwork? I think maybe because my childhood has been such a mystery to me. What happened? What didn't happen? What is true? I've been working on putting the puzzle pieces together. Those papers, art work, and journals are some of the puzzle pieces. Some of the picture of the puzzle has been partially put together, but there are more pieces that need to be added; i.e. more memory and processing of those memories. I may need to refer to the pieces that have already been put together. (And I have gone back to journals and notes when working on certain issues.) For now I strongly feel the need to keep all those items.

Last night I reread Carolyn Spring's Unshame. I can relate to so much of what she writes. (See: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13593.msg103131#msg103131 ) It reminded me and gave me encouragment that her journey has been step by step, filled with many failures, but the success was in continuing. When she was learning mindfulness meditation, Spring stated, "I failed and failed for twenty minutes but in the end I succeeded, simply because I didn't quit." (Spring, 45)

I had been fairly consistent with practicing a form of meditation, but it's been many months since I've done so consistently. Spring's book has motivated me to be more consistent about meditation and also with my awareness of my breathing. I had gotten into the slump of using those things when I was in trouble, but I do believe it will be beneficial for me to make practicing mindful meditation and breathing an (almost) daily routine.

I ordered Carlolyn Spring's book, Recovery is My Best Revenge: My Experience of Trauma, Abuse and Dissociative Identity Disorder. I'm not sure why I've been hesitant to order that book in the past.

My therapist has been on vacation for two weeks. I have been trying to give myself a break from therapy without ignoring the Littles. [I have Dissociative Identity Disorder and Littles are young Parts of me.] This morning I spent some time with the Littles, checking in with them and then reading a story to some of them. Even though I have tried to still care for them, they have been further away with T being gone and me trying to take a break from therapy and just not wanting stuff to be stirred up. It feels like many Littles are active now and wanting to talk! I don't have to work again until Tuesday, which makes it a bit easier to take care of them. I still have to wear the "Wife," "Mom," and "Friend" hats. T returns on Monday. Two weeks is a long time. I am grateful, though, that I haven't been in a really bad place during those two weeks.

(Note: Littles definitely active and felt the need to decorate the top of our journal.  :bigwink:)

You seem to be in a very good place in your new journal. The littles' decoration is very inviting .

I did mindfulness meditation for two years 2 x 20 mins a day and it was an incredible help to focus and get me through some difficult times. I hope it does the same for you.

Wishing you and the Littles a great 2021, notalone  :hug: :grouphug:

All good wishes to you and your Littles. I like the way they've decorated your new journal.

I've just bought Unshame. Thank you for mentioning it.

:grouphug:

Dollyvee, thank you for commenting on the Little's decorations and for your encouragement about mindful meditation.
Bach, best wishes to you and your Littles also.  :hug:
Snowdrop, thank you for liking the Littles decorations. If you feel like sharing, I'd be interested in your thoughts as you read Unshame.


Now that it's coming to the end of my T's 2 week vacation, I'm missing him more and feeling the need to see him. I think I kept that all at arm's length in order to get through those two weeks more easily. I'm also hoping that sessions will start being in his office and not teletherapy. I feel like a great deal is on hold because of that.

 :thumbup: for your new journal. It's always cool to see our journey from a fresh perspective. While the old annoyances are still around, we benefit from realizing that the old story is receding further and further back in the rear-view mirror.

Every once in a while it seems like we hit some bad snags, but as Spring illustrates, that's when it's best to keep on trekking anyway.

So her'e's best wishes and a heartfelt  :hug: as you are finding ways to stay on track. Hope the reconnection with the T goes well, too -- it helps so much to have that support when things can seem so overwhelming.

Woodsgnome, thank your for your best wishes and hug.  :hug:

The last two days one of my Parts has had a lot of time to try some art, guided by YouTube. I've assured her that it doesn't have to be perfect, to just enjoy experimenting.

 :hug: I hope you are able to see your T in the office face to face soon too. I agree telahealth isn't the same.  I'm glad you got some at stuff for your parts I hope they will make some freeing at that helps express feelings, or that just makes them happy!

With love and encouragement  :hug:

Hello notalone! I love the emoticon decoration, so cute n.n

I also have a box of sensitive paperwork and journals, I really like the idea of putting a note to destroy the contents in the event of my death. I have a lot of fear that a family member will find things that I don't want them to see. Thank you for giving me this idea :)

In one of my posts you had recommended Unshame to me and I've been really enjoying it! I blazed through the chapter on forgiveness at your recommendation and then started the book from the beginning because I liked it so much. While I do not have DID, I do have DPDR so I find myself relating.

I just wanted to take a moment to truly thank you for sharing and to wish you and yours a healthy and successful 2021!

Tee, thank you for your understanding and encouragement. I appreciate you.

Mojay, thanks for mentioning that you like the decoration. That makes my Littles smile. Glad that the idea of having a note with vulnerable paperwork was something that will help you. I read through Unshame quickly, twice. I could relate to a great deal of what she wrote and it helped me to feel less alone. Thanks for taking the time to write.


I'm several chapters into Carolyn Spring's book, Recovery is My Best Revenge. For some of what she wrote, I am saying to myself, "I don't believe that. I'm not that far into my journey yet that I can know that. Perhaps at some time I will be able to say/believe those things too." In the past, those kind of issues/statements would send me into a difficult place. It is growth for me that I can realize that I'm not at that place in my therapy yet, and just let that be okay.

I am finding Recovery to be more triggering to me than Unshame was. Although (up to where I've read) she doesn't share details, she does share a little more about her abuse. Sometimes even one word can trigger me. It hasn't sent me spiraling, but I put the book on the shelf for awhile. Not sure if I'll pick it up again today, in a week, or months from now. 

Spring does an amazing job of describing what goes on in her mind. Some of it is different from my experience, but a great deal of it is very similar. I thought about having some people read portions of it so they know what I experience, but who? I doubt that even the few in my life who know about my DID want to know that much. Also fear they would back away if they knew the extent of the crazieness that I experience.

I read a few more pages of Recovery is My Best Revenge. It is too triggering right now, so best if I keep it on the shelf for awhile. I'm disappointed because I got so much out of Unshame and I was looking forward to reading it. Please note that the information in Spring's book is very good and just because it is triggering for me right now, doesn't mean that it wouldn't be beneficial for others to read.

I think you're very strong for being okay with your place in your healing journey. I teeter between feeling okay with my journey and being devastated by where I am. I have being using some of Pete Walker's emotional flashback management strategies and this one made me think of what you said, I think you are doing a really good job of exemplifying this:
"13. Be patient with a slow recovery process. It takes time in the present to become unadrenalized, and considerable time in the future to gradually decrease the intensity, duration and frequency of flashbacks. Real recovery is a gradual process—often two steps forward, one step back. Don't beat yourself up for having a flashback."
I can see your self-compassion in shelving the book. I can see your empathy and care for others in letting us know what was difficult and that we still may find the book useful.

Quote from: notalone on January 03, 2021, 08:45:55 PM
I thought about having some people read portions of it so they know what I experience, but who? I doubt that even the few in my life who know about my DID want to know that much. Also fear they would back away if they knew the extent of the crazieness that I experience.

It can be so difficult to trust others in our lives to stay here for us - once someone knows, they can't un-know. Us with CPTSD have been hurt so deeply by interpersonal relationships that moving to a deeper level of understanding of this impact can feel unsafe. If you don't feel comfortable sharing with those in your life, maybe sharing the chapters or portions that you really resonate with on here could be helpful?

Notalone, wanted come by and congratulate you on starting a new journal  :cheer: I found your Littles decorations happy and cheerful :) . Sending you and your parts my love and support, and a big load of warm and safe hugs  :hug:  :hug:

Marta, my Littles are so happy that you found their decorations happy and cheerful. I can feel your love and support. I love hugs and am hugging you back.  :hug: :grouphug:

Mojay, do you know that you have a real gift of encouraging others? Within my post, you saw strengths in me and shared those with me in specific ways. My heart felt a little leap of encouragement when I read what you wrote.

I can get overwhelmed with all the garbage that I have to deal with; however, is growth for me to be able to accept where I am without beating myself up. Thanks for pointing out Walker's step #13. It's kind of ironic, because I don't normally get too far down his list! It is also a good reminder to me to be looking at that when I'm NOT in crisis.

Quote from: mojay on January 04, 2021, 05:02:35 AM

Quote from: notalone on January 03, 2021, 08:45:55 PM
I thought about having some people read portions of it so they know what I experience, but who? I doubt that even the few in my life who know about my DID want to know that much. Also fear they would back away if they knew the extent of the crazieness that I experience.

It can be so difficult to trust others in our lives to stay here for us - once someone knows, they can't un-know. Us with CPTSD have been hurt so deeply by interpersonal relationships that moving to a deeper level of understanding of this impact can feel unsafe. If you don't feel comfortable sharing with those in your life, maybe sharing the chapters or portions that you really resonate with on here could be helpful?

Sharing here is a good idea. For now I'm not looking at the book, but maybe when I go back to it I will do that.

Part of my wanting to share portions with my inner circle was because I want them to know how hard things are, to know what I deal with. They are not therapists and there is a balance between friends being friends and needing too much from them. I'm trying to figure this out. Ironically, one who was in my inner circle, who is a retired counselor, backed away from the relationship when I told her about the DID. Covid is a factor too, because I'm not see friends so I feel even more disconnected.

Quote from: notalone on January 04, 2021, 03:50:31 PM
Part of my wanting to share portions with my inner circle was because I want them to know how hard things are, to know what I deal with. They are not therapists and there is a balance between friends being friends and needing too much from them. I'm trying to figure this out.

Oooh, I see what you mean!! Thank you for helping me understand :)

I've also leaned heavily ("too heavily!!" says my inner critic) on my circle during the most difficult times. I've found that sharing articles or videos specifically for loved-ones of those who suffer has been very well-received vs. sharing my intense feelings/struggles. My two friends who are married to each other are able to handle hearing about my more intense symptoms whereas my two other supports prefer the articles or videos. Truly a balancing act!!! I hope that sharing this was okay, I just wanted to let you know that I hear you and relate.


P.S. Thank you for the high compliment of my gift, that made me feel really good  :grouphug:

I have shared articles with my H. I think some have helped him, especially if they are not too long. I don't remember sharing any with friends, partly because those friends have instinctual empathy. Sharing articles with them is a good idea. 

I was journaling my session today and when I got to a part where we talked about an issue that has a lot of layers, feelings, and confusion; I took a break and laid down on my bed. I fell asleep and when I woke up I had thoughts and feelings whirling around me like a tornado. I couldn't move. Not sure how long I was there before I could get up, maybe an hour. When I did finally get up, I started journaling. It must have been a younger part of me because I couldn't write in cursive. My daughter came in and I had a very brief and normal conversation with her. It always amazes me when I can present as "normal" when there is such internal chaos. Right after that the kitten jumped into my lap and started purring. The kitten really helped to bring me out of the state I was in.

Sending you support, notalone  :hug: I'm sorry you had such a hard time waking up, I haven't had what you described but I've had something like that, it's a horrible feeling to wake up like that. Hope you're feeling better, sending you a cup of warm hot chocolate (or tea, whichever you prefer) and a safe blanket  :hug:  :hug:

I hope you are feeling better now not alone  :hug:

It is always amazing  to me that we can function perfectly normally  to everyone else when there is a whirlwind inside us.

Pets are so soothing for the soul  :)  I miss having a pet.

Marta & Bluegem, thank you for your support.

Tough morning with the difficult feelings of yesterday still with me. Made it through work, which was helpfully distracting. Now I feel really tired. So much is swirling around internally. I hope that what was going on yesterday is not a precursor to new memories. My nerves are on edge.

NotAlone, I'm sending you support through the airwaves. Animals can be such a huge help. Here is a funny kitten face: ₍⸍⸌̣ʷ̣̫⸍̣⸌₎
I am posting the kitten to your journal in hopes it will bring some additional healing power to you.

It sounds like journaling brought up a lot, you were so compassionate to let yourself rest and take a break. I hope you are able to soothe your nerves tonight, will keep my fingers crossed that the whirlwind subsides.

 :hug: notalone it sounds like you have had a rough week.  I'm sorry!  I hope you and your parts are able to rest. I'm not sure I would want to have my H or any of my friends to know how crazy my head is on the inside.  Maybe my T though. I might look up the books and see if I can read through some of it.  I hope this year gives us a chance to make gains moving forward on our journey.  :hug:

Mojay, thank you for the kitten face. Awesome.

Tee, thank you for your kindness. Yeah, it does seem too scary for someone else to know how crazy my head is sometimes. My therapist knows quite a bit. He assures me that I'm not crazy.

I went to a new doctor today for a pain issue. Before I went in, I was afraid that she would say or insinuate that my pain wasn't bad enough to be seeing her and that I was wasting her time. (That did not happen. She was kind, gave diagnosis, and treatment plan.) Yesterday, the Part who was in session, asked the therapist if she was wasting his time by being there. Hm. Interesting.

Notalone, I'm really glad that the doctor was kind and helpful. My h and I have seen enough doctors to know that it can be a rare experience to find a caring doctor who gives a helpful diagnosis. You are worthy of the doctor's care and kindness.

It is interesting that your Part had a "delayed reaction" toward your therapist at your session. It does make sense that you'd still be processing the event. In my experience, it takes a lot of emotional energy and courage to approach a doctor with an issue. Good work!

Pioneer, thank you for your comments and understanding.

A couple of nights ago, one of my Littles and I watched Black Beauty (the old version). Good connection time.

 :hug: I'm glad the Dr. Appointment went well for you.  I actually have tomorrow some testing to see why my hands go numb.  I'm worried they'll say it's all in my head. :blink:
I keep seeing black beauty on Disney and I think one of my littles wants to watch it too, cause I keep think I should watch that again it's so good. :Idunno:  Maybe tomorrow.  I have to go now having a rough week need to try to sleep. Hugs. :hug:

Tee, I hope your Dr. appoint goes well and that he/she has some answers for what is happening, or at least further testing. I hope you are able to get some good sleep.  :grouphug:

No answers yet just nerve tests. So I got electric shock through my hands and arms for like an hour this morning.  :Idunno: Thanks I hope you had a good day notalone.

Quote from: Tee on January 11, 2021, 11:38:07 PM
No answers yet just nerve tests. So I got electric shock through my hands and arms for like an hour this morning.  :Idunno: Thanks I hope you had a good day notalone.

Hope you get answers soon. I've heard that nerve tests can be difficult.  :hug:

 :hug: thanks yeah today I got stabbed a bunch with little needles😣😥 hopefully I'll get some answers.  Hope you are doing well.  Hugs :hug:

Notalone, just wanted to pop by and send you my support  :hug: I'm very glad that your doctor appointment went well, and that she wasn't at all invalidating. Hope the app helped for finding treatment, sending you a big hug :bighug:

Hi Notalone,

Sending you a hug  :hug:

Hope  :)

Two things I'm thankful for today:
1) Yesterday I was asked to work today. I have therapy so I would have had to go in later, which would still have be helpful to them. I debated and decided that my priority was my therapy and healing and it would be best not to have the pressure to have to go to work after a therapy session. One of the Littles was talking to T most of the time so it would have been hard to transition to work. Thankful that I told work I wasn't available.
2) On my way home from therapy, a flap under my engine got loose and was hitting the road. I had to stop twice to tuck it in. I called my usual mechanic shop when I got home. He said the dealer probably had the part so I could go there or I could come in and they'd look at it and order what was needed. I opted to go to the usual shop because I trusted them. They were able to clip the part in place. They didn't charge me anything.

New memories last night of being threatened if I told.

The Little who was with T today asked him to color with her. He said no, he didn't like to color. It immediately felt like a personal rejection. I tell myself that he has the right to like/not like things and to say no if he doesn't want to do something. Good lesson, right? Still hurts a little and feels personal. He did read a story to her.

Feeling very irritable this morning. The smallest things are causing internal explosions. I'm so sick of this.  :pissed:  Also, the tiniest thing feels like a rejection of me.

One of the older Littles wrote a note for Hope (5) telling T that she felt rejected when he didn't want to color with her. Will give it to T next session.

Quote from: notalone on April 16, 2020, 09:59:09 PM

Quote from: notalone on April 01, 2020, 12:57:34 AM
Before covid-19, the plan was for Hope to tell her memory to T this Thursday. Won't do that as long as sessions are not face to face. That would not feel safe or kind, at all.

Last night, Hope (5-year-old Little) had visions of her abuse throughout the night. She has been waiting a long time to tell new T what happened to her.

What if this never ends and I never get to see T again? I will be stuck all alone with my bad thing FOREVER. -Hope  

Hope wanted to write the above. She did talk to T via Skype today. It helps a little, but to a degree, he doesn't seem like a real person to her on the computer screen.

For those of  you who read last year's journal, you may remember the deep turmoil that I experienced, waiting for in-office sessions (not telehealth), so that Hope could share her abuse story with T. Although I shared many things online, for some reason it was not at all safe for Hope to do so. We are finally back to in-office visits. It has be 10 months since Hope had planned on telling T what happened to her.

This week, I have a double session scheduled so that she can finally tell him. She is afraid that something will happen and that appointment won't happen. I was even afraid to write the day of the appointment. She's also afraid that something awful will happen afterward. Something that happened a year ago strongly gives evidence to support that fear. All this to say that my feelings of irritation and rejection make sense, also being close to the road of "I'm a mess and this is all hopeless."

So I need a plan to get through this week. (Another big thing happening Monday, but I'm not ready to write about it.)

work on art project
something safe to T.V. binge
music
xanax if I need to
blanket, tea, listen to a book
text inner circle of support
be kind to myself. What would I say to friend if she were going through the same thing?
drink water (an everyday self-care that I need to work on)
breathe
pray

Now I'm going to read a couple of stories to Hope and other Littles. Thanks for listening.  :grouphug:

Notalone, I wanted to send a hug and say that I hear you and I'm happy Hope will be able to share what she has need to to your T (I know how difficult it was for you to hold it off this long)  :hug:
Sending you my support and care  :hug:

Marta, I am very grateful for your care and support.


Not sleeping well and when I do finally fall asleep with the help of meds, I have a lot of dreams. The dreams aren't nightmares, but certainly not restful. A great deal of fear that the appointment for Hope will not happen.

I'm thinking of you as you seek rest.  I too often have difficulty sleeping and even when I sleep it doesn't seem very restful.  I hope you are able to find moments of ease and rest. 

Rainydiary, thank you for your kind words.

I usually go to be around this time, but I've been going to bed later. What's the use when I lie there not able to sleep. I think I'll take something tonight. I need to sleep.

I am almost finished with a project that one of my Parts and I have been working on. That this Part can know something other than her abuse and can be creative is a really big deal. We are really excited about the project.

Tomorrow I plan on sharing something about myself with my adult children. Really scary. My insides feel frozen and jittery. Might write more tomorrow after I talk to them.

I also have Hope's session coming up this week. I still fear that something will happen and it will be canceled. Also the thought of telling the memory is really scary too.

 :hug:

San, I really needed that hug tonight. Thank you. Hugging you back.  :grouphug:

Quote from: notalone on January 25, 2021, 04:36:53 AM
Tomorrow I plan on sharing something about myself with my adult children. Really scary. My insides feel frozen and jittery. Might write more tomorrow after I talk to them.

I told my kids that I have DID. We talked for quite awhile. It went well. I will check in with them later in the week to see how they are doing. It's a lot for them to process.

Quote from: notalone on January 22, 2021, 04:25:15 PM
One of the older Littles wrote a note for Hope (5) telling T that she felt rejected when he didn't want to color with her. Will give it to T next session.

This ended up being a bigger issue for me than I realized. Gave note to T today. Did not expect all the intense feelings. We talked about it. It hooks into my internal message of: It is not okay to need/want/ask for care. That was not what T said, but it's hard to hear his words over my internal message.

Quote from: notalone on January 22, 2021, 04:25:15 PM
This week, I have a double session scheduled so that she (Hope) can finally tell him (about her abuse).

This session coming up in a few days. I feel-----how do I describe how I feel? It's like knowing a very painful surgery is coming up. You want the surgery because you hope that eventually that pain leads to lessened pain.

 :hug: notalone you are so brave.  I hope your kids are able to process your truth well and can come back with understanding and clarifying questions.   :hug: Big hug hope you are able to continue down your healing journey.

NotAlone, wow that was so brave of you to tell your children!! Congratulations  :cheer:

I really like the plan you made for the week! I just reviewed (for myself) Pete Walker's 13 steps for stopping EFs, but #8 stuck out to me when reading your journal because I think that you are doing a great job with resisting the inner critic's catastrophizing. You are doing a really good job with helping Hope and not abandoning yourself. I believe in you!!

sending you much strength and rest through the airwaves.

Quote from: notalone on January 22, 2021, 04:25:15 PM
This week, I have a double session scheduled so that she (Hope) can finally tell him (about her abuse).

This session coming up in a few days. I feel-----how do I describe how I feel? It's like knowing a very painful surgery is coming up. You want the surgery because you hope that eventually that pain leads to lessened pain.
[/quote]

Exactly that, haha. Very recognisable indeed. Good luck!

Tee, thank you. Your encouragement and support mean a lot to me.  :hug:
Mojay, I can use that strength and rest. Thank you.
Alter-eg0, appreciate your understanding.

Work today was fine. Probably a good distraction. I work tomorrow too. This evening feel very shaky. The memory that I will share soon is nearby. Sometimes feel the edge of terror. Took a xanax.

I appreciate you sharing the image of a memory being nearby and having edges.  I often experience that too and didn't have words for it. 

I hope you found some rest this evening. 

Thank you, Rainydiary.

 :hug: I hope you can have a calm even and are able to distract again tomorrow.  New memories are hard take your time to process of you can. Hugs I'm dealing with new things too hoping I'm coming to the end of new I'm not sure how many more new horrible things I can take in my life. I often think sometimes I would be better off if the memories had not surfaced.😣😔. Sending a big hug of understanding and encouragement. :hug:

Hi Notalone,
I know that your session with your T is coming up soon, and I wanted you to know that I've been thinking about you, and that I hope it goes well.   

Sending you a hug of support and also care   :hug:

So many things that you have written have been helpful to me and to my parts as well.  I hope that's ok to say that.

Hope  :)

Quote from: Tee on January 28, 2021, 04:03:03 AM
  I'm not sure how many more new horrible things I can take in my life. I often think sometimes I would be better off if the memories had not surfaced.😣

I get that, Tee. I pray that what needs to be known will be revealed, what is okay to stay buried, will stay hidden. When I look back over that last few years, when the past has exploded into my life, even though it's been REALLY hard, I'm still glad that I'm now walking in the truth.

Quote from: Hope67 on January 28, 2021, 10:19:43 AM
Hi Notalone,
I know that your session with your T is coming up soon, and I wanted you to know that I've been thinking about you, and that I hope it goes well.   

Sending you a hug of support and also care   :hug:

So many things that you have written have been helpful to me and to my parts as well.  I hope that's ok to say that.

Hope  :)

Hope, thank you for thinking of me and my session. That means a lot to me. I always appreciate your hugs and care.  :hug: Hugs and care to you. I'm glad that some things that I've written have been helpful. What you share is often a help to me too.



From Hope (written with help from an older Part)

I had my long session today when I told T what happened to me. It was hard to do and scary. I'm glad I had a longer time, because it would have been really hard to tell him and then leave.

When I got home I held Harriet (my doll) and slept for a long time. We didn't do anything else today. Not Alone wrote lots of thoughts in journal. I talked to my friend on the phone. She knows me. Not Alone (and me in the background) watched a safe movie with daughter.

TW
I feel really, really sad. My mama gaved me to the bad men. I needed her to come and get me, needed it so bad down to the middle of me. She didn't come. Of course she didn't come. She gave me to them. She wouldn't come until they were done. I needed her. Hurts so bad. I'm so sad.

From Hope

Little Hope, I too was saddened to find out that you had people who couldn't come to help you. I want you to feel safe with these words, but I'm afraid they're not really enough, either. Words, even nice ones, can't ever soothe the ache you feel about what happened.

I'm so glad, though, that you were able to tell the T person about some of the pain, though. It seems strange, but somehow things like that help.

And having Harriet also helps. Maybe you can rest just knowing that there are many known to your older self who are not at all like those who were mean and didn't treasure you. Well -- we do -- and even if you can't feel this right now, our wish is simple and offered in our thankfulness that you're now okay, at least. Sleep well.

:grouphug:

Woodsgnome, your kindness has touched my (and Hope's) heart.

There is so much that I am processing. I've been writing in my journal quite a bit. Also trying to be gentle with myself.

i agree with woodsgnome - you are treasured here, and my heart breaks for you that you were not cared for, were given away instead of protected from the bad men. i'm glad it's over, and very proud of you that you were able to release some of the pain.  that is so hard, sometimes.  what a strong, brave girl you are!  sending love and hugs filled with a lotion made of care and comfort for all your wounds. :hug:

Thank you, San.  :hug:

You did so well, Hope, I'm proud of you!  I hope you feel a little better.  Here's a hug if you want it :hug:

And proud of you, notalone, for all your hard work in keeping Hope safe and supported and creating the right situation so she could tell.  Much love to you :hug: :bighug: :grouphug:

Thank you, Bach. I like hugs.  :hug:

Our kitten was naughty today. She kept going after the dog who is old. Not Alone was on her computer and heard the dog growl. She looked over her screen and the kitten had the dog's tail in her mouth! Right now she is sleeping on my lap so she is being a good kitten. She's very soft.

Not Alone wants me to feel safe.

 :hug: for you notalone and Hope. Good job being so brave. I hope you will know that you are safe now  :grouphug:

Thank you, Pioneer.  :hug:

Tough morning. Body memories, along with that the feelings of shame, fear, and aloneness. I felt a lot of sadness also, which I don't remember feeling before with body memories. I texted some trusted friends. Was glad I reached out. As I was reminding myself that I was safe and that I'm not alone, it helped to have their text responses of care. By the afternoon the physical memories had ended.

 :cheer: You're through the body memories already!
I know you've being doing a lot of hard work and for little Hope scary work recently. So I'd just like to give you a  :hug: and tell little Hope that she was so brave.  Giving Hope :sunny:

Blueberry, Hope says thank you and gives a hug to you.  :hug:

I'm having body memories again. Or maybe I have pain and it hooks into memories. I'm not sure if it matters. Trying to tell myself (and Hope) that I'm safe. Adult me feels the panic too so I don't know that I'm very reassuring to Hope. Maybe I'll take a little time now for soft blanket and teddy bear. I want my T. I want this to stop. Scared.

Hi notalone and Hope, I'm sorry you're feeling scared and in so much pain. From my own experience, when you've done a lot of courageous processing it can take a lot of upheaval and in stages to know again that you are safe - having to reassure various parts of you who don't always come out for reassurance or to express fear at the same time. I's a gradual process, and it is very exhausting and tumultuous. Hang in there! Sending you a  :hug:

Also, I have really enjoyed this song since hearing it this summer, and I thought you might appreciate it too. It is a Christian song and it is not a stereotypical song as the singer is very painfully honest with God about the pain that he feels. It is called Honesty by Jason Gray. The singer had a very difficult childhood and he seems to have some good insights. Of course, only listen to it if you think it might be helpful to you. Hang in there!
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6aLj-Cz7aog

Pioneer, Thank you for your compassion and hug. I do think the body memories are worse because of what Hope share 1 1/2 weeks ago. Thank you so much for sharing that song with me. I added it to my playlist. I could definitely resonate with it. My prayers are honest and messy.


Had a really difficult time in the middle of the night. One of the Littles, someone new to me, was extremely distressed about a situation in my life. I/she was feeling frantically unsafe.

Sending a safe hug - if that's ok - to you and any of your littles who would like one.   :grouphug:

Hope  :)

Hi notalone (and Hope), I just wanted to say that you're so strong for sharing that with your T and I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Wishing you lots of little pixies and fairies to visit to make you smile rn.

Hi. This is Hope. A bigger person is helping me to write.
To the other Hope, Thank you for the hug. I will take it right now; Hope hugging Hope.  :grouphug:
THank you Dollyvee. That was very nice of you.


I had a hard night last night. Not Alone put pajamas on me and covered me with a soft blanket. It took awhile, but she found stories for me to listen to. The stories were Disney stories. In one they said to make 3 wishes. I couldn't even think of a wish and they kept going in the story. It seems like a wish is something important that you should think of for awhile. Also in the story they said, "you are happy." Well, that just made me MAD, because I wasn't happy so why would they tell me I'm happy? That's stupid. Then Not Alone put music on for me. She finally gave me a pill. It didn't work. Later she gave me another one and I finally went to sleep.

Today I was grouchy. Not Alone said it was okay. I was feeling stuff. We went to the resale store and bought a few picture books for me. She read me one later. We went to another store and I got to choose 3 sticker sheets, because I decorate our journal with stickers. I chose snowflakes, snowmen, and kitties.

After Not Alone read a story to me, I laid on the floor with Harriett (my doll) and the blanket over my head. I fell asleep. When I woke up I didn't know where I was. I was scared. Even when I remembered where I was, I was still a little scared.

I called my friend and she talked to me. That helped me. After that I put some stickers in our journal.

Not Alone has stuff to do, but I'm still here. She doesn't have to go to work or anything, though. I don't feel a whole bunch scared, just a little scared. Not Alone said the word for what I'm feeling is "unsettled." If I was alone I'd put Harriett on the bed with me and make us a meal of m&ms, but we have other people in the house.

Good-bye.

I took a xanax last night. I wasn't particularly anxious, but did not want to go through another restless night. I remember on Beauty after Bruises on their self-care techniques they say, "Allow yourself to take PRN medications if you are in need." I tend to not take something until things are really bad. I don't want to automatically take medication, but it might be kinder to myself to take it more frequently than I do. I need to think about that some more.

I also started watching the T.V. show, "Little Men," last night. It was a pretty safe show for me. What is safe to watch changes for me.

Yesterday while I ate lunch, I watched part of a different show with my kids. I had seen it before. It didn't seem upsetting to me, although Hope was somewhat present. It may have affected me though, because I had a very strange and scary dream and I can connect it to that show.

Yesterday when Hope talked to our friend, our friend said she was going to make valentine cookies. That seemed like a good idea. This morning Hope, another Little, and myself made the dough. It needs to be in the refrigerator before rolling the dough, so we will do that part this afternoon.

Even as I write this, I think about how outwardly, it often seems like I'm doing nothing. However, there is so much going on internally, even when not directly dealing with trauma.  :grouphug: That hug is for my Littles and myself.  ;D

I didn't have to work today, but had several things on my "to do" list. None of the tasks were super involved, but I still felt a little overwhelmed. Having a list helped. Also reminded myself that if _______ and ______ and __________ does not get done today, it is okay. I have managed to get almost everything done, which gives me a sense of accomplishment. One item was a work issue that I had been putting off, but it only took me a about 20 minutes and now it is done.

My kitten is fascinated with the cursor on the computer. Makes it hard to type!

I've just caught up with your journal, Notalone. You are so brave. Well done for telling your children about DID, and well done to Hope for telling T. That's huge, I know how long she's been waiting. I'm so glad that you're back to in-person sessions.

:grouphug:

Snowdrop, thank you for acknowledging the significance of all of those events.

The Littles have been pushed to the background with the difficulties going on with my husband and also with beginning to look for a job. Both those things are very adult. There is also fear that they will loose T. I need to process this, but the fear gets in the way. I don't want to blindly reassure them that we won't loose him. I think that there will be losses; probably reducing sessions to once a week and possibly the stress of having to pay out of pocket. Too much to think about right now.

With husband being gone, Hope can sleep with her doll. Maybe I'll put music on too. Nights can be so difficult.

Quote from: notalone on February 13, 2021, 04:31:29 PM
Even as I write this, I think about how outwardly, it often seems like I'm doing nothing. However, there is so much going on internally, even when not directly dealing with trauma.

That's how it is for me too, so once more you are not alone notalone  ;)   
For you and all your Littles for whom it's safe atm:  :grouphug:

That's cute about your kitten's fascination with the cursor btw ;D

Blueberry, thank you for the hug and for reminding me that I'm not alone.  :grouphug:

It was nice for Hope to hold Harriett (doll) all night.

It took me 1 1/2 hours to drag myself out of bed this morning. Not sure how long it took me to get ready. At one point I found myself just sitting, not moving. My son is going to the grocery store so  that takes pressure off of me. The stress of, at some point, needing to find a full time job and the many issues along with that and the stress in my marriage is enormous.

I'm trying to remind myself to slow down on the job situation. I don't need to find something today or even by next month. I started a to-do list for job hunting. I looked at it this morning and realized I did get some of the basics covered. (It took me most of the weekend.) As I finished writing this, a next step, that needs to be taken within a day or two, has come to mind. Feeling the weight of it.

I usually spend one morning a week with the Littles, reading to them, listening to them, giving them time to write or whatever they need. This weekend I was too busy with working on job search to take that time. Plus, I feel like I'm in survival mode, so they have retreated quite a bit.

I feel like I take good steps in therapy, then other stuff comes in and completely disrupts my momentum. Hope told T about her abuse, now marriage and job stuff is consuming.

:fallingbricks:

 :bighug: :bighug: :grouphug:

Quote from: notalone on February 22, 2021, 04:31:39 PM
It took me 1 1/2 hours to drag myself out of bed this morning. Not sure how long it took me to get ready. At one point I found myself just sitting, not moving.

This resonates totally with me! In fact today I went back to bed twice after doing a few minor tasks - took medicine, fed guinea pigs - those kinds of things. So once again, you aren't alone.

I'm so sorry that your progress in T gets waylaid by something else happening in this case your H's plans to put the bread-winning role on you w/o really listening to you. I wish I could send your H a magic hat which would enable him to understand where you're coming from and therefore be more supportive of your needs in his decision-making.

That sounds hard and frustrating, Notalone.

I'm glad Hope was able to sleep with Harriett. I can imagine that it brought her comfort. :grouphug:

Blueberry, I needed and felt those hugs tonight. Thank you for understanding and letting me know I'm not alone.
I'm so sorry that your progress in T gets waylaid by something else happening in this case your H's plans to put the bread-winning role on you w/o really listening to you Thank you for saying this. It makes me feel heard and I need that. I wish you had that magic hat.

Snowdrop, it is hard and frustrating. Thank you for your support. Hope is very happy to be able to sleep with Harriett.

I really went into panic and survival mode over this whole job situation. My T suggested taking a break from that while husband is gone and I have some space. He asked how I could take care of myself. I told him that I should read to the Littles. He said, "What about taking care of Not Alone?" Hmm.

I'm going to put away the job search for now. That isn't easy because I still feel the panic. Even when H gets home, I need to slow down on this process. This is all complicated by my husband's lack of decision making. I don't know if he'll work until the end of March, the end of June, or even later in the year, or even if he will fully retire this year. Ugh!

Today I made a list of things I may do if I want to. Everything from cleaning to watching t.v. My main goal today is to bring calm to myself. The stress of the job situation has been huge. Since it's Saturday, I won't hear from the company with whom I'm hoping to receive an opportunity for an interview. Breathe. Bring calm to amygdala overloaded brain/body. Try to stay in this moment. Try to ignore the "shoulds."

Also have a bad headache.

Right now I'm watching Dr. Who, will fold towels, have an iced tea, deep breaths.

Finding a job is stressful  :hug: sounds like you're handling it well by taking some time for yourself

Thank you, Dollyvee.


Something that Blueberry wrote in her journal stirred a memory in me.

Quote from: notalone on March 05, 2021, 08:49:21 PM
Your relating that incident to feelings of violation brought back a memory to me. Decades ago, I was in the psychiatric hospital. A rule was changed and something that I owned was taken from me. I went behind the nurses' desk and took it back. I fought for it, but lost and paid by something happening that was highly traumatizing.

There is a part of this incident that I'm not ready to share here. I feel a lot of shame about it. Not sure why because I feel like most, if not all, the wrong-doing was on the staff. Interesting, that when I look at what happened, it is in three separate scenes. I can't figure out the order or exactly how they fit together, but I know they are the same incident. That's often how trauma memories are; disjointed. What happened was traumatizing. May I say that again? What happened was traumatizing.

I related to what Blueberry wrote, that an item being taken away felt like a violation. As I've sat with this memory since yesterday, I realize there are many layers to what happened.

---a rule was changed. Grown-ups change the rules then something really bad happens. Sometimes they don't even tell that the rule changed.

---something that I was told I could have was taken from me. It was a piece of clothing. I'm pretty sure that they forcibly removed it from my body, but I'm a little fuzzy on that. violation. no control

---something really bad happened that someone I trusted promised me would never happen I don't even have words.

---I felt like I was going to die. I yelled, "You're killing me." I heard a staff person say with an 'oh-brother' voice: "Oh, Not Alone." As a child I clung to my mother's leg, trying to keep from being sent with grandpa. They had to peel me off of her. She said, "Stop being silly."

---Next day I talked to trusted person who had promised and betrayed. He blamed someone else. Childhood: adults never took responsibility.

---The thing they did repeated an ongoing childhood trauma. In the abuses, they did _________ lots and lots of times.

I am very ready to share this with T. I've held this all alone for way too long. Thank you to those who read this and heard me.

I hear you, Notalone. Sitting with you in support. :grouphug:

I hear you too. My memory brought up so much for you. I'm impressed how much you can sit with and allow the different layers and parts to come clear for you in your present day adult.  :thumbup:

Little notalone was not being silly! Nor was older notalone in the psych ward incident. I'm sitting with you.  :hug: :hug:

Oh, notalone, I had experiences like that in a psychiatric hospital as a teenager.  It hurts so much to think about.  It's brave for you to confront that.  My entire teenage hospital experience was deeply traumatising in many different ways and I have never thought about in terms of the layers of it the way you have done here.  I think I will need to do that soon, and though it is frightening, the way you've written about it here presents a structured way to explore it that could make looking at more manageable.  Thank you deeply for sharing.  I am hearing, supporting and appreciating you  :hug:

Quote from: notalone on March 06, 2021, 02:26:07 PM
. . .I realize there are many layers to what happened.

Another thought came today regarding the layers in the incident that happened in the hospital.

---The next day, a staff person said that I was only in situation (the part I can't put into writing) for five minutes. The feeling was, it wasn't that long, so not a big deal. In an instance of CSA, abusers were laughing and saying, "This won't take long."



Snowdrop, Thank you for hearing me, sitting with me with support. I feel that and it matters.  :hug:

Blueberry, I know you have pain from hospital stay(s) also.  :'( This really has opened the door to the many layers of this event becoming clear. I have held this alone for decades. Even with all the CSA that I've shared with other Ts, I've never told about this. Even though I feel shame and many other feelings, I am already beginning to feel some healing from being able to name what happened and the childhood roots of trauma, and by sharing here and being heard and cared for by you and others. Thank you for stating that I was not being silly. Thanks for being here for me. It means so much.

Bach, I am so sorry that you had traumatizing hospitalization experiences. When it is the right time for you to look at that trauma and the layers, if that is helpful, if you choose to share on OOTS, I am here to listen. (If you want to share with PM, I am okay with that.) Thank you for hearing, supporting. I appreciate you too.  :hug:



I went to church today and the service was moving and meaningful to me. I have viewed my journey of dealing with childhood abuse as a very rugged, dangerous, mountain journey. I have known Jesus is with me; sometimes pretty close and sometimes there, but not within eyesight. In church, they showed a picture of Jesus clinging to the side of a cliff and reaching down for a lost lamb. I felt like he was telling me that he wasn't just next to me, watching me on my journey, he was actively with me, in the danger, actively participating with me and for me. Interesting that I pictured him as passive, like H and F.

Feeling Jesus' care brought tears. The last two weeks have been so incredibly stressful and I've felt my aloneness. Really, I wanted to just sob, but since I was in church, I allowed for some tears, but kept the waterfall back. I wish that was something that could be turned off and on with a switch, and I could go somewhere private and allow for all those feelings to be released. Even the little I was able to let out, was a release from some of the pressure that I've been under.

Just wanted to offer a hug notalone  :hug: it makes me really upset that the people who were supposed to help you (and Bach), hurt you further. Things like that should never be allowed to happen and I can understand why it might be so difficult to share. So, just giving you another hug if you need it  :hug:

Thank you, Dollyvee. Appreciate your care and hugs.

I told T about the incident that happened in the hospital. I was going to say more, but I'm feeling overwhelmed. T heard me and validated my feelings. After seeing him, I wrote some letters (not to send, this was decades ago) to some of the staff involved. I keep thinking I want to say more in this post, but then it feels like too much, so I will leave it at this for now.

Well done, Notalone. I understand it being overwhelming.  I'm glad T heard you and validated you.
:grouphug:

It IS overwhelming.  You are so brave.  Thank you for sharing  :hug:

Thank you Snowdrop & Bach.

So much to process regarding hospital situation. Again, I find myself overwhelmed and unable to write much. Besides the three letters that I wrote to staff (not to send), I wrote a letter to the Littles who experienced that trauma. I was not able to address the staff member with whom I was the most connected and who broke a major promise he had made to me. Looking back, I believe that I was set up by a staff member who, for some reason, had something against me.

This is part of a letter that I wrote to nurse, who had something against me and set me up.

      As a human being, even if you didn't like me, could you find no compassion for someone with so much pain? Not only that, you attacked the very areas of vulnerability and childhood trauma.
      You were unprofessional, cruel; and you, who are supposed to be a healer; caused more pain and trauma.

That's a terrible thing Notalone, I'm so sorry you had to go through this. There's really no words to describe this "you, who are supposed to be a healer; caused more pain and trauma." 

I hope this letter writing is helping you to process and heal.

I feel so angry with that nurse. How could they! Someone in that role! :pissed:

Jazzy, thank you. Writing the letters is helping me to process. What happened to me was minimized by staff at the time. Sharing it now and writing the letters is helping me to know that the incident was a really big deal and was very traumatizing to me. It has opened the door to the many layers involved, which is painful, but I believe also good.

Snowdrop, thank you for sharing your anger. It reinforces that what she did was wrong and an abuse of her power.

I didn't sleep well last night. I think that an issue between my husband and I might have been keeping my body on heightened alert and unable to relax.

There are several directions that I want to go in therapy tomorrow, but after tomorrow I won't see him for two weeks. That makes it harder. What is safe to bring up and not put me in a difficult place? Ughh.

I hope therapy goes well. Thinking of you. :grouphug:

I hope you resolve this thing with your husband and can relax soon!

I hear you that you are having difficulty deciding on how your T appointment.

I don't mean to tell you what to do, but perhaps there are more options you haven't considered yet.

• Maybe it would be best not to bring up something new until you have a timely follow up ready.
• Maybe you can review/revisit something you have already started to work with.
• Maybe you can get some new/additional information/exercises from your T to help you in the coming weeks.
• Maybe you don't need to go to this appointment at all (especially if it is costly and you want to make the most of your sessions).
• Maybe you should just tell your T exactly what you wrote here, and see what they think

Of course, it is for you to decide what is best. :) All the best with it!

Snowdrop, thank you for your well wishes.
Jazzy, thank you for sharing your thoughts.

I did end up going to a place in therapy that was risky. It turned out well. I don't want to write any more unless/until the Little who was there wants to share.

My anxiety has been increasing the last 30 minutes. Maybe because I have the news on T.V.; covid (sometimes feel like I can't bear it any more), violence, politics. Maybe because I need to go to bed soon. Sometimes that doesn't feel safe and no matter how tired I am, I lie there with my body on high alert.

The kitten has just climbed into my lap. I think I will enjoy her for a bit and focus on breathing and the positive things that happened in therapy.

I hope you were able to sleep well, Notalone. I'm so glad therapy went well. :grouphug:

Thank you, Snowdrop. I did sleep well.  :grouphug:

Sounds like you are making progress  :applause: :cheer:

Thanks, Dollyvee.  :hug:

Relationship issues are so tough to handle, I commend you for persevering. When I encounter a partner who is avoidant or withdraws their feelings, I have an internal meltdown. I can't get past that. You're doing well for making it as far as you have  :hug:

Today I visited my MIL (mother-in-law). One of husband's sisters was there. My H has described her as a bitter person. In the past she has cut off family members with no communication or explanation. When I walked in I greeted her. She gave a one word, short response. She also said, "I thought H was coming."  (Not sure if she was upset with her brother for not coming or upset with me for being there.) A bit later I was talking and I said something that they (the "kids") are not letting MIL know about. I probably should have been more thoughtful about that. I don't life that way; i.e., secrets, "protecting" people from the truth, etc., so I didn't think about it. I could feel her anger amped up many levels. A bit after that another sister came so I was glad to talk to her. I continued to feel large amounts of anger radiating from sister #1.

On my drive home, I was praying about this and thinking about it. Husband's family is avoidant. In this situation it was like I came in swinging a sledge hammer, knocking bricks out of SIL's many walls. She reacted like she has since I've known her, anger and retreat and hold onto anger indefinitely. Did I have fault in this? I could have thought more about what I said, and knowing the family, have guessed that it was something they did not talk to MIL about. SIL seemed angry when I came in and appeared even angrier after I said what I said.

Why does it bother me? It's not about the relationship. We have never had more than a superficial friendly relationship, so it's not a break in the relationship that is troubling. In my childhood, someone's anger was dangerous. I'm sure my body/mind automatically responded with high alert and disruption. I know some people would say, "It's her issue. Don't worry about it." I wish I could do that. Maybe what I need to say to myself is: "You might have made a mistake in saying what you did. You're human. It's okay. It is very okay that you don't fit in with an avoidant system. SIL seemed angry at you when you arrived. She certainly seems much angrier. If she wanted to deal with that, it is her responsibility to approach you. Very unlikely that she will, but it is still on her. Even though she is very angry, you are not in danger from her. She will likely withdraw even further, but she will not hurt you."

QuoteIn my childhood, someone's anger was dangerous. I'm sure my body/mind automatically responded with high alert and disruption.

Same here. I respond in that way too.

Quote"You might have made a mistake in saying what you did. You're human. It's okay. It is very okay that you don't fit in with an avoidant system. SIL seemed angry at you when you arrived. She certainly seems much angrier. If she wanted to deal with that, it is her responsibility to approach you. Very unlikely that she will, but it is still on her. Even though she is very angry, you are not in danger from her. She will likely withdraw even further, but she will not hurt you."

When I read these words, I felt soothed. I felt parts calming down and feeling safe.
:grouphug:

Quote from: Snowdrop on March 18, 2021, 07:26:01 PM
When I read these words, I felt soothed. I felt parts calming down and feeling safe.

:grouphug:  I need to keep telling myself those things. I think I also need to work on bringing calm to my body. I went for a walk with a friend. We didn't talk about this, but being outside was helpful. I still feel the tightness in my core. Maybe I'll do some visualization/meditation.

I told my H what happened. He was supportive.

Hi Notalone,
I'm glad your walk outside with your friend was helpful.  I'm glad that your H was supportive when you told him what happened.  I wanted to send you a hug of support too  :hug:  You said 'I also need to work on bringing calm to my body' - and I hope you're able to achieve that more and more, to a level that feels comfortable and calming. 

I also read what Snowdrop said when she said 'I felt parts calming down and feeling safe'.  I hope to carry those words with me today as well. 

Hope  :)

Thank you, Hope.  :hug:


I rarely dream about my grandfather (GrF), who can truly be describe as evil. I dreamed about him last night. In the past when I've dreamed about him, I'd be completely frozen, physically and unable to talk, scream or cry out; both within the dream and for awhile after waking. In the dream last night, I was adult. When I woke up, I journaled as much of the dream as I could recall.

Biggest impressions from the dream:
---GrF was cold and mean (that was reality)
---GrM was being hurt by him and was in great distress and sobbing throughout the dream
---Many other people were in the dream, including one of my siblings and my mother. The setting of the dream was a party and all the people were all in party, celebratory mode.
---Others in the dream were carrying out GrF's cruel orders.
---No one else in the dream was the least bit upset by what he was doing. I couldn't understand why no one was stopping him.
---I confronted him about his abuse of me.
---I was video recording what was happening. I was afraid he would destroy my camera, so I walked away. [That's when I woke up.]

This morning I woke up really late, no shower, threw on sweat pants. Feel out of it. I want to crawl into a ball and cover myself with a blanket. Maybe I still will. Wisdom says I should go take a walk (very cold, but sunny). Not sure if that's wisdom or others' voices.

When I woke last night I put my arm over my H for comfort. (Of course he was asleep.) It was like hugging a rock. I quickly removed my arm. If I had woken him and asked him to hold me, he would have, but I know the comfort I would feel would be very shallow. Instead I held onto my teddy bear and a doll blanket that a close friend made. I've been short with H this morning. Some of that is from feeling the aftereffects of the dream. Some is probably the pain of all the walls (avoidance) my H has around him. (After writing the above) I told H that I had a dream about GrF and it has thrown me for a loop. He only said, "What do you think brought it up?" (I don't know.) Then he talked about other stuff. He complains that I don't tell him things. Forgive me for yelling, but THERE ARE REASONS I DON'T TELL HIM MORE!!!  :'(

I need to figure out how to take care of myself right now. I'm feeling myself sinking, becoming more sad, depressed and self-critical. The feelings of aloneness and confusion because of people in my childhood being oblivious to the horrors I was experiencing are converging with my H's inability to enter into my journey on any significant level. I might take a xanax and curl up on the floor. I think I will reach out to my other (besides you wonderful people on OOTS) support group. 

Quote from: notalone on April 02, 2021, 04:50:00 PM
I rarely dream about my grandfather (GrF), who can truly be describe as evil. I dreamed about him last night. In the past when I've dreamed about him, I'd be completely frozen, physically and unable to talk, scream or cry out; both within the dream and for awhile after waking. In the dream last night, I was adult. 

That is some progress, notalone!  :thumbup: :applause:

No wonder you felt out of it when waking and wanted to crawl into a ball under a blanket. As you often helpfully write in my Journal - please be gentle with yourself. That was one awful nightmare, you needed comfort during it and after it. I hope you got support from your other group. I'm sending gentle  :hug: :hug: if they feel safe

That sounds like a very intense and scary nightmare, notalone. I can relate to the feeling of "why doesn't anyone else see what I'm going through and how awful this all feels, why won't anyone help?" I hope you have managed to recover a little, I can imagine it's left you quite shaken.

Thank you Blueberry and Owl25. I appreciate you hearing me and your compassion.

I slept all afternoon. I was signed up for church service (covid). I skipped the shower and managed to get dressed and go to church. Glad I went, although I had to close my eyes during triggering parts. Home now and will continue to take it easy.

 :hug:

 :hug:

If I were to put my interpretation on your dream, I could see that you have found some distance from the events in the dream, that you are processing them by recording them, and maybe you can see clearly what is going on. You also protected that by taking the recording (truth) away where he couldn't touch it. I know it might not help much but could show you are separate.

Thank you, Bach and Dollyvee.

I don't really have anything to add, just dropping in to say Hi, i'm reading :)

Thank you, Alter-eg0, I appreciate that.

I wrote a lot this morning, then pressed the wrong button and it disappeared. Will write less now. Don't have it in me to go into detail.

Quote from: notalone on March 05, 2021, 03:54:14 PM
The stress that I feel is through the roof right now. I am trying to take one step at a time, but the enormity of getting a job, working 40+ hours a week, and learning a job . . . is TOO MUCH. My therapy will be reduced to 1x/week (now I see him 2x/week). . . . I am so angry at my husband for refusing to accept my struggles with cPTSD and DID and to put all this on me.



Won't write details of conversation, but H said if it would take stress off me, he would commit to working until the end of this year

Yesterday, H came home and told me that, depending upon the outcome of a meeting today, he might retire end of June. There's more details, but too much to write now. Today told me meeting went well. Bottom line: I cannot trust his commitment to me that he will work until the end of the year. When he retires, it puts me in the position of having to find a full time job with benefits.

https://thetraumainitiative.org/2019/05/13/attachment-the-avoidant/

After the relationship has been fractured by any of these responses, the Avoidant will often continue to withhold or deny emotional connection. He will return to autoregulation immediately and repair is off the table. (There is no need, right? He has regulated and his spouse or partner's emotions are well...her emotions so she needs to deal with it.)

How does it feel for the spouse or partner? There is no being seen, being heard, being understood, being part of the conversation. Spouses or partners of Avoidants often feel invalidated


I am so tired of living with all these elephants in the room. Today I feel like I can't stand it. I can't do this any more. He is okay after what he said yesterday and I am left in turmoil. There is no hope of healing or repair. This is so crazy making.

For you:  :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :grouphug:

For your H:  :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed:

I have no idea how I would manage to work 40+ hours/week. In fact, I know I couldn't. I would break down after 2 weeks max. I'm sorry, that will be no comfort to you. But I don't want to say: "You can do it!" when I know I can't.

notalone, I thought you have kids. Isn't your H financially responsible for them too in some way? You don't have to respond to that, but I'm just thinking - how can he just dump all responsibility in your lap like this??

Hi Notalone,
Also sending you a supportive hug at this time and thinking of you.   :hug: 
Hope  :)

Blueberry, I am so grateful for your hugs and for your anger at my H. I saw your post the other morning and it encouraged me. I appreciate you not giving me a "you can do it" pep talk. I have no idea how I will manage when the time comes. Yes, we do have kids. They are all adults, but still on our insurance. My husband twists his thinking in a way that benefits him and his avoidant attachment. In another post I told that he wrote a list of reasons it would be good for me to work FT, with no mention or consideration of the fact that I have cPTSD and DID. Some of his thinking, for example, that we can afford very expensive cobra insurance for a length of time, is in fantasy land and doesn't match the numbers that we went over together.

Hope, so grateful for your hug and warm thoughts.

I have pretty much given up the hope for emotional intimacy with my H. Now I'm hoping for just the ability to function and live together. Last night in the middle of the night there was a loud noise. My H startled awake. I told him it was okay it was just the cat knocking something over. He immediately went back to sleep. I felt a stab of longing for emotional closeness with him. Maybe it was because in that moment he was vulnerable and not surrounded by his many walls.

There was a different incident with my H today. I won't go into details of what happened. I was very strong with my boundaries with him. I said, in an angry, strong voice: "Do not . . ." He apologized and then an excuse. I repeated myself. Again his apology and another excuse. I said: "I don't want to hear your excuses. Don't ever. . . " He apologized and I said okay.

With my first statement of "Do not. . . " he looked shocked. I don't know if he was shocked at the strength and anger in my voice or if he was clueless about my reaction to the incident. If the former is the case, he is incredibly blind.

I have a fairly strong idea about why he reacted the way he did during the incident. It's sad that he probably has no idea or awareness of his reaction or the why behind it. He may not even be asking the question. He doesn't welcome or invite that kind of dialogue.   :'(

I still feel guilty when I post about him. He avoids and I'm left alone. I'm not going to do life alone. I am going to get the support that I need.

Hi Notalone,
I think it's good that you let your H know that his behaviour had affected you, and that you mentioned that to him, and asserted your feelings again. 

I'm glad you're not doing life alone, and that you're going to get the support you need, as I think you and all of us deserve that in life.  I thought you sounded strong in your statement - saying that - and I wanted to send you a hug of support in that  :hug:

Hope  :)

Hi Notalone,

I read your latest entry, and it's heartbreaking!  :'(  It sounds like this is very difficult for you, and you're not getting the support you would like from your H, and that you're feeling left alone... I'm sure that's a very important feeling for you, based on your screen name. A big :hug:, if it is helpful for you.

Of course it's important to respect your feelings, but you are not alone in life! You have other supports available, including all of us here.

I'm sure you know that avoidance is often the mind's way of trying to protect itself from hurt, so maybe your husband is doing that, and he could benefit from some healing of his own. I know it doesn't always have the best results, but I am a very big proponent of communication. Maybe you can share this with your husband, and try to help him understand what's going on, and that it is better for everyone in the end to resolve difficulties, instead of avoiding them. If you do, I hope it works out well, and he is able to hear you. If it doesn't work out so well, I hope you're strong enough not to let it hurt you any further!

I'm also sorry if this idea is unwelcome; I just see an opportunity for you to be able to help him improve. As you said, it is very sad when a person has no idea or awareness of how they are (re)acting, and why. I know that you do a lot of work on yourself, and have come a long way. This gives you quite a bit of experience you can share with others, and hopefully they can benefit from it as well.

I also understand that you feel guilty, that's perfectly understandable. For.... my entire life, I didn't realize the difference between gossiping, and sharing my thoughts and feelings in a positive way, when those thoughts and feelings came from actions I didn't like from another person. In short, I realized that gossiping is very closed minded, and doesn't help anyone. Sharing properly, presents an opportunity for others to share their perspectives and experiences, which in turn give you more information to help you make a more informed decision, as well as process your emotions better. I hope that will help you think of this a little differently, so you don't feel so guilty posting about him. He's a big part of your life, and that has an impact on you, so you should be free to post about it!

I hope that you feel better soon, and you both continue to improve, so that one day you can find that emotional closeness with him.

This sounds so tricky to deal with  :hug: Like Hope said, it sounds positive that you are asserting yourself and speaking up for your needs. In doing so, you don't really know what the outcome will be and if he'll hear you at all, which could lead to a more serious conversation and maybe even a difficult step to take. Even if what you're doing now seems insurmountable, it could eventually be good for you in the long run no matter the outcome.  :hug:

 :yeahthat:

notalone I also care about you.   :hug: :hug:

 :hug: notalone I'm glad you were able to voice your concern and stand your ground with your H. I've found though I know my H tries he doesn't know or understand my issues or how to help. So I often do not tell him for a long time what is going on with me.  I just recently told him more about what's going on currently and his reaction though not great was at least silence and an admittance that he's trying not to say there wrong thing. :applause: Which is progress for him.  I hope for progress for your H and know we are here for you. :hug:

Hope, Jazzy, Dollyvee, Blueberry, Tee,
Thank you for your responses. I've been meaning to reply, but it's been a tough few days. For now, please know that I appreciate your support.


Tough amygdala take-over (EF) yesterday. The trigger would be meaningless to anyone else, but it still feels too vulnerable to write the details of it. Trigger   →   Feelings of "I hate this." "I can't stand this."   →   Trying possible solutions while feeling panic.   →   On bathroom floor curled in fetal position.  Spent some time on floor with feelings of "can't" and ideas of SI. Told self that I have T in 4 hours. While in the middle of "CAN'T" feelings, talked to myself logically telling myself it's (the thing that triggered me) only an object. It may cost a little more money, but it's only an object. Even though I knew that, I continued to spiral. At some point I realized that I was in an amygdala take-over (EF). Okay. What am I supposed to say to myself? I'm supposed to say I'm in an EF. What else? Can't think. The list is in the other room. I can't move and get off the floor to go get it. Oh yea. Tell self that you are safe.   As soon as I said that to myself, I started crying. It also connected me to the many incidents of abuse that were connected to the object.

Shortly after that I was able to get off the floor. With help, I was even able to fix the problem. I talked about what happened in therapy. My therapist told me that he had read that after that kind of incident it takes the body eight hours to re-regulate. (Not quite those words, but I think that's what he meant.)

Maybe I should have given myself time yesterday to recoup, but I finished my project, which was physically exhausting. Today I realize that I really need some self-nurturing. I feel sad and wounded. I have to leave for work soon, so that will have to wait. Today would have been a good day to cuddle up with my teddy bear all day.

((((Hey Notalone))))))

You did a great job recognizing your EF and talking yourself through it. It's so so hard to remember what we are supposed to do in the moment. You did awesome! Sending you teddy bear vibes today.

Thanks, Armadillo. Like your teddy bear vibes.  ;D He's sitting with me right now.

Post about husband, April 17:

Hope, I greatly appreciate your affirmation of the words I said to my H and support in not being alone.

Jazzy, Thank you for your thoughtful response. I would love for the incident to be a chance to help my H look at what was going on inside of him that caused his reaction. I am learning that with those who are avoidant, trying to approach them only causes them to put up another wall. I have experienced that over and over.

Dollyvee, thank you for responding. I do think it is good that I voiced my boundary. I don't have control over what he does, but I can be clear with my boundaries.

Blueberry, My heart is warmed by your support and care.  :hug:

Tee, Thank you, my friend. It's hard, isn't it?  :hug:

Today my husband said to me, "What's the matter, hon? You've had a sour look on your puss all day." My mother used the word "puss" for face, so that alone is triggering. Using the word "sour" says to me, "stop being sour and put a smile on your face." In the past, H has told me to smile. That's for him so he doesn't have to deal with or even know that I am feeling difficult things. If he had said something like, "What's the matter? You seem sad or upset. What's going on?" that would have felt like he wanted to know. The way he said it, and the many experiences of the past with him, made me feel like he just wanted me to look happy. My reply was that I've been in physical pain. I didn't feel like he wanted to know the other stuff going on, and his past reactions or lack of response, has taught me that he is not safe to share with.

I feel mean saying all that. I'm putting together decades of evidence together with what I have learned about avoidant-attachment.

I was communicating with a friend via text. I felt like she was at least understanding that she didn't know the situation. Then she said to keep trying. Ugh. Discouraging. Trying only causes him to add another wall.

I feel frustrated by what my husband said and by my friend. I feel angry. I feel the vacuum and hopelessness of my marriage.

I'm sorry that the important people in your life are just not getting what you need right now.

Thank you, Armadillo. I'm grateful for your reply.

This morning I told my friend about being triggered and curled up on the floor in my bathroom. (See journal April 20) She knows a little about my abuse. Actually, I really am not sure how much I've told her. Anyway, she reacted with tears and very strong words of protection (I would have. . . .to protect you). She also kept telling me that I'm not alone. Her words and her emotion meant a lot to me. There's only so much of it that I can take in, but that's okay. I'll just let the words and love behind them simmer.

I wanted to talk about the thing with my husband (sour) in therapy, because I need affirmation that I'm interpreting correctly and not all messed up in my head. I read something on OOTF. "Belittling, Condescending and Patronizing - This kind of speech is a passive-aggressive approach to giving someone a verbal put-down while maintaining a facade of reasonableness or friendliness." That's what his question felt like. (See post below.) I decided not to talk about it in therapy because there were so many other things that I wanted to dive into.

Unexpected new memories and new Little in therapy today. Usually I have memories and then tell T when I see him. That is vulnerable. I felt really vulnerable to be having the memories with him in the room and tell him the flashes of memory as they came. There was absolutely no pressure to tell him anything I didn't want to. His voice was so gentle and caring, a beautiful contrast to the ugly descriptions coming out of my mouth. I couldn't look at him the entire time.

I bet your T felt so honored to have you tell him those flashes there in the room. I get so overwhelemed too in therapy by just all the stuff to deal with so I totally get why you put off the discussion about your husband's comment. Just know. You don't need to doubt your reaction to what he said. It hurt and was unempathetic. Whether he meant it that way or not is only part of the point. How his words and expression impacted you matters. Hopefully it matters to him.

I'm so happy though that your friend came thru for you and you could take in the meaning behind her emotions and words. It inspires me because I'm sitting here thinking I need to find someone in my life to be outraged for and with me. But asking for what you need is hard. But that's what you did today.

I'm sorry to hear that you're hurting, and feeling frustrating and discouraged, that makes everything so much more difficult. Maybe you can tell your T about your H another time.

It's great that your friend was there for you, and you had some breakthroughs in T, even if it wasn't easy. Wishing you continued healing and strength to deal with everything.

Armadillo, thank you so much for your words about my therapist and also about my friend. Her words and emotions just seemed to burst from her heart.

Quote from: Armadillo on April 26, 2021, 11:37:21 PM
You don't need to doubt your reaction to what he said. It hurt and was unempathetic. Whether he meant it that way or not is only part of the point. How his words and expression impacted you matters.

I appreciate this. I'm trying to trust my instincts, but it's hard because on the surface things seem okay or even caring.

Jazzy, thank you for your kind words.

 :hug: :hug: to you notalone

Thank you, Blueberry.  :hug: to you.

How have things been going the past couple days, notalone?

Armadillo, very kind of you to ask. The last couple of days have been pretty good. On the day of the new memories, I was able to spend the whole day taking care of myself. I'm not very connected to the Little with the memories, so that probably helped too. I have another therapy session soon; I go twice a week.

Sending you and littles a gentle hug if you/they are up for it.

I'm so happy you could take that whole day to nurture yourself after those memories.

Crashing. I will be okay in a bit. Workmen in the house early this morning. Job done, but house in chaos because of the work. Saw therapist. Visited with close friend. Visited with other friends in busy situation. Friend was angry, not at me, but might have been a bit triggering. New client tomorrow for work. New is always somewhat stressful. I'm feeling the anxiety about that more than I thought that I would. Started feeling that I had reached my limit at second group of friends, but it took longer to finish and get home than I thought it would.

By the time I got home I was over my limit and needed to crash. Walked into my bedroom and bed frame was together, but boxspring and mattress were leaning against the wall.  :fallingbricks: Washed the parts of headboard that normally can't be reached and were therefore filthy. Somehow managed to get boxspring and mattress on the frame. Pulled clean sheets out of laundry and made bed. But I'm sitting on the floor, next to the bed?!  :stars:

So much more to do to get everything from being chaos. Chaos is troubling. I think for now I need to just sit on the floor for awhile. I feel really overwhelmed.

I'm doing better. Shortly after writing the above, I took a xanax. Decided to rely on a little help to tone things down a bit. Then I called a friend, who completely understands. Talking to her, and probably the xanax kicking in, helped a lot.

I did get some of the house in order. There is still a lot to do, but it doesn't feel out of control and overwhelming right now. I won't work on it any more tonight. It is actually getting somewhat late. I think I'll journal about my session for awhile.

Hi Notalone,
I intended to send this hug to you last night, but I was so tired, I forgot, but I was thinking of you and hoping you were ok - I'm glad to read that you are ok, and that you talked with your friend, and that your friend understood.  Sending you that hug now, a bit later than I'd intended  :hug:
Hope  :)

I'm glad you're feeling somewhat better notalone. Sending  :hug: :hug: :hug: anyway because the chaos is a lot for you to deal with emotionally as well as practically.

Just saying "hey" and hope you find some peace and calm this weekend.

Oh notalone, I'm sorry you had such a hard time with this chaos, and everything else. What you wrote about sitting on the floor next to the bed after putting it together, but not yet being finished, felt so stressful and frustrating and sad. It's totally understandable that you were overwhelmed.

I'm glad you're doing better now. You're doing a good job taking care of yourself!  :thumbup:

Hope, Blueberry, Armadillo, Jazzy; thank you for your kind, caring words. It means a lot to me that you heard me and responded.  :grouphug:

Today there is nothing that I have to do. Still getting the house together, but it is not so overwhelming and can be done in small chunks if needed. Yesterday I started reading a book, I guess you would consider it a parable of Jesus. It is a short, easy to read book, so I'm enjoying that.

There were a couple of significant insights from my last therapy session. I want to spend some time exploring those issues further.

I thought about contacting my friend and offering to help her with her project, but I think I'll wait and see how the day goes. Maybe I need a day to take is slow and not have to be "on."

hey, notalone, sorry for the absence.  i'm finally feeling a bit better, thought i'd drop by, say hi.

sounds like you've had a lot of work done on your place.  we went thru nearly 2 mos. of getting a part of the roof fixed, so i can relate.  having strangers tramping thru the house/yard certainly does feel chaotic.  and, my little friendly xanax totally helped me get thru it all!

i, myself, am in the process of taking it slow yesterday and today.  coming down from an overwhelm is draining.  you deserve a little peace and quiet for yourself, and time to get back into your own rhythm.  i hope you can enjoy your time for yourself.  sending love and hugs   :hug: 

San, thanks for dropping in. I've missed you, but totally understand and support you doing what you need to do to get through these last months.

The house is still a bit crazy, but not awful. I'm down to figuring out what to do with stuff that doesn't really have a place. The kids still have more to do too.

I didn't get a lot done today, but trying to let that be okay. Went to church. I finished my book, which I enjoyed. I wrote a letter that I had been putting off writing. When I finally did it, the words came more easily than expected. Took a walk with a friend.

I'm starting to get confused and overwhelmed. I can't make my last sentence (that I deleted) make sense.  :stars: I'm going to get my dinner.

you didn't get a lot done, you said, but then you added a list of all you did.  sounds like plenty for one day, to my mind.  don't sell yourself short - just cuz you're not flying here and there saving the world doesn't mean you haven't been doing a lot or enough.  it's all personal.  we do what we can on any given day, more or less, but there are no judges here.  i think you did plenty!

keep taking care of you.  love and hugs, my dear. :hug:

Thank you, dear San. Your response made me smile and lifted some of the "shoulds" off my chest. Like Blueberry, I try not to "should" myself, but they creep in.

I just love that you carved out time for the important stuff this weekend like reading, church, and writing a letter, amidst the chaos.  :cheer:

Hey notalone, how are you doing? I've been thinking of you lately. I hope you're doing okay, or at least not too badly.

It sounds like the house being in the disorganized state you talk about has been really hard on you, which is totally understandable. It also sounds like you've been making some great progress in getting everything back in order. Good job!  :cheer:

Thank you, Armadillo.

Jazzy, thanks for asking. The house is slowly getting together. The "I don't know what to do with this stuff" is left.

On the surface, life goes on: family, work, social interactions-----running underneath is a river of trauma with feelings of sadness, pain, confusion, guilt, etc. The separation between the outside and the inner turmoil adds to the feelings of craziness and aloneness. The last two days I've really been feeling the aloneness regarding the specific trauma that I've been talking about in therapy.

 :hug: 

Hope  :)

Sounds like you've done a great job!  :thumbup:

I made an action plan for when I have things leftover I don't know what to do with. I have a history of getting stuck with that stuff, and it piles up, but I don't like that.

Here's what I do.

• If I know I will have a use for it within the next year (like my winter sweaters in the summer), I store it in my extra dresser, or storage closet.
• If I can't foresee myself using it in the next year, I get rid of it by:
• Offering it to family
• Offering it to friends
• Giving it to charity
• Disposing of it (recycling/garbage/trash)

That wasn't easy for me to do (get rid of things), especially at first! Like everything, it was a process I adjusted to over time. It has really helped to reduce the clutter, which leads to me feeling better about the house. Of course, you don't have to follow my list, but hopefully it may give you some helpful ideas.

--
I hear you about life going on, but the river of trauma continuing to run underneath. I especially relate to the feelings of craziness and aloneness you talk about. It's scary, and horrible, and really unfair. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Hopefully it will ease after you process this specific trauma more. You're doing good working through the difficulty, keep up the good work!

Even when you're feeling alone, we're still here with you!  :)

Stuff
Jazzy, thanks for sharing your action plan with me. I do try to do something similar. Part of my problem is that I have 3 other people in my house, so I'm not only dealing with my stuff. Sometimes I get one area organized and cleaned and then an adult child cleans his room by dumping stuff in the empty space I made. Talking about it doesn't help. I think that as soon as one child gets on a more normal schedule (he's moving from working nights to working days), I will have a day where everyone works on sorting and cleaning the basement, which seems to be the main dumping ground.

I am starting to transition my clothes from winter to summer. That's not easy where I live. It can go from hot to freezing temperatures within one day! :sunny:

Yesterday I dropped three big bags off at a resale shop. Good to get those out of the house.

Heavy Heart
Hope, thank you for the hug.  :hug:

Quote from: Jazzy on May 08, 2021, 12:23:31 AM
I hear you about life going on, but the river of trauma continuing to run underneath. I especially relate to the feelings of craziness and aloneness you talk about. It's scary, and horrible, and really unfair. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Hopefully it will ease after you process this specific trauma more. You're doing good working through the difficulty, keep up the good work!

Even when you're feeling alone, we're still here with you!  :)

Jazzy, thank you for your caring, understanding words.


My heart still feels heavy today, like life isn't worth living. I suppose there are many reasons that I need to keep going, uppermost is my children. At the risk of being Eeyore, I'm going to list the things that are weighing on me.

My marriage is soooo empty. My H is now home 4 days a week. Our very little superficial communication and mostly silence is deafening. The ALONENESS in that relationship is a big crater in my heart. Sometimes I just feel like screaming, not in anger, but in pain. From what I read and what my therapist said, I need to grieve and live my life. Is feeling this aching chasm that I feel grieving?

I have a new client at work this week. New is stressful. Work has been causing me physical pain. If the same is true with new client, I might need to look for a new job.

If I do need to look for a new job [stress...stress...stress], I would want part time that could turn to full time for when my H fully retires and I need insurance. So that adds complication to what/where I would need to look.

My husband had committed to working until the end of the year so that we have insurance. He has since said things that make me not trust his commitment. The thought of finding a FT job and working that many hours is beyond overwhelming. Not all jobs offers insurance and I would need insurance for myself and my kids. My T only accepts one type of insurance, so if a job doesn't offer that insurance, I will be paying him out of pocket.

My H rarely talks to me about real issues. The few times he has allowed his anger to come out; I feel like that's when he has spoken the truth of what he really believes and is not parroting what he thinks he's supposed to say or do. The feelings/thoughts that he expressed those few times is that it's time for me to stop dealing with the past and move on. He wants me to be like I was before I started dealing with my trauma. In his avoidance, he does not see how stressful FT work would be for me. Or he says we'll be fine financially, paying for insurance, although we looked at the numbers together and that is not the case. The times when he does ask how my therapy session went, from previous things he has said, I believe that all he wants to really know is if I am closer to being done. I've told him many times that this is a life-long journey for me. He'll say he understands that, but when his true feelings come out, I know he doesn't believe/accept that.

It really hurts that my H doesn't accept me as I am.

The house has gone from chaos to somewhat messy. Making progress here. Want to make more.

There is a joyous family event happening this year. I do feel the joy of that, but there are things to do and that adds stress.

Some worries I have about my adult kids.

I left my church that I attended for 29 years and am in the process of looking for a new church. I thought I had found one, but it didn't work out, so now my search has begun again. That is a really important part of my life, so being church-homeless is hard. I also have grief over the church that I left.

Trauma issues always present and sometimes consuming.

Wow! I guess I really needed to share what is happening. If you read all this, thank you.

I often make a list of things I need to do. I will do that today since I'm feeling so overwhelmed. To Self: no pressure to do everything on the list. One thing at a time.

Lots here, but you're doing a good job handling it, starting with writing about it. Just want to let you know that I read it all, and I care. :)

I read it all as well. One step at a time is the only way we can get things done. it's good that you got some stuff to the thrift store. Clearing out clutter feels good and lets us focus on other things. I'm sorry it sounds like your H isn't listening to you. HUGS

BTW, I do a similar method to jazzy. We have "donate boxes" where things go if I haven't used them/looked at them in 6 months to a year. Because if I haven't by then and it's not truly emotionally important, it doesn't need to stay in the house. Then every few months or so, that stuff goes to the thrift store donations.  Sometimes I'll post something on a Facebook Buy Nothing group, but that could be overwhelming for some people.  I only keep that which I will truly use or has real sentimental value.

I think it is the opposite of Eeyore to list all the things causing you stress and sadness here.  :hug:

It's really hard to feel like your spouse doesn't support you or accept you as you are. I felt that way for a very very long time and it was by far the thing that caused the most pain. For me, slowly learning to open up to my H about things helped, but that only worked because he's an exceptionally good person and contrary to my beliefs he actually truly did accept me as I am.

I wish there were not so many struggles and so much pain weighing on you and I really respect your commitment to being kind to yourself and working on healing for the long term.  :hug:

my dear notalone, i relate to feeling alone even while living with someone.  i've got 3 marriages under my belt that were similar.  my 3rd hub was a 12-stepper, so he'd tell me some of the phrases from his meetings (leg go and let god, etc.) which, while helpful for addiction, were not helpful for me.  it's so hard to make someone understand what we're up against, and i agree with you that it's a lifelong journey.  is there a possibility you could have him come to a therapy session so perhaps your t could explain some of this to him?  or, would he be willing to read about c-ptsd and how trauma works?  just some thoughts.  i feel for you. 

there's so much going on in your life right now, and i did not see you as eeyore, only as someone who has a lot on her plate and needed to get some of it out.  kudos to you for beginning to change your surroundings.  well done! :thumbup:

keep taking care of you, ok?  sending love and a hug filled w/ self-acceptance and the knowledge that we're here for you even when you feel lonliest. :hug: :grouphug:

Took a xanax so I hope my reply makes sense.

I got my bathroom clean, really clean. Glad for that. Also filled up a large garbage bag full of stuff to donate. Threw it in my car trunk so it's not sitting in my basement. Some laundry done, not much else. I'm Netflix binging and trying to not beat myself up for not doing more and for tv binging.

Jazzy, thank you for reading my post. I feel your care and that means a lot.

CactusFlower, thanks for your understanding and compassion.

Quote from: Armadillo on May 08, 2021, 03:52:50 PM
I think it is the opposite of Eeyore to list all the things causing you stress and sadness here.  :hug:

It's really hard to feel like your spouse doesn't support you or accept you as you are. I felt that way for a very very long time and it was by far the thing that caused the most pain. For me, slowly learning to open up to my H about things helped, but that only worked because he's an exceptionally good person and contrary to my beliefs he actually truly did accept me as I am.

I wish there were not so many struggles and so much pain weighing on you and I really respect your commitment to being kind to yourself and working on healing for the long term.  :hug:

Armadillo, it is very hard and painful that my H doesn't accept me as I am. He is a good, moral man AND he is avoidant. I don't think he is attuned to his own feelings, so he doesn't seem to have the ability to empathize. I have shared some things with him. Sometimes his response is helpful, but often his response is silence, an ill timed joke, or his desire for me to be done; therefore I now limit my sharing. For example, last time he asked about my session I told him that I talked about ________, something I had told him before. I needed to remind him what happened. He had zero emotional reaction. That hurts.

San, thank you for your empathy. Alone in marriage is really hard. He has gone to marriage therapy and read a little bit. For awhile he can parrot what he has learned, but its all in his head. Originally, he and I saw my therapist together in marriage therapy. We had about six sessions. When covid hit and it became telehealth, my H quit. I continued see T on my own. My T, who gave me the eye-opening information that H was avoidant, told me that marriage therapy would be a waste of time. So far he has been unable to look at himself beyond a superficial level.

It sounds like maybe there's a sliver of hope for your husband then, too. It's taken a lot of patience, coaching, and trying over and over and sharing truly how hard it is for my H to start to be more emotionally supportive. I'd say out of all the things I've worked on in therapy, getting more connected with H has been the most positive and helpful and joyful. But there was a lot of pain of feeling dismissed and misunderstood and judged along the way. I know right now with everything you have to work through that is not possible at the moment, but I'll hold onto some hope in my heart you get there with H one day.

Quote from: notalone on May 08, 2021, 09:42:20 PM
I got my bathroom clean, really clean. Glad for that. Also filled up a large garbage bag full of stuff to donate. Threw it in my car trunk so it's not sitting in my basement. Some laundry done

:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Considering how you've been feeling and all that's going on for you atm, I think that's a lot! I'm proud of you.  :hug:

Quote from: notalone on May 08, 2021, 09:42:20 PM
I'm Netflix binging and trying to not beat myself up for not doing more and for tv binging.

When I first read this (late last night), I was Internet-bingeing so reading that you were bingeing helped me realise - once again - that it was some form of cptsd-related escapism. Try not to beat yourself up, notalone! There's a lot going on in your emotions atm even if possibly hidden away under the surface and you probably need a break from processing, thinking etc to just zone out.  :hug:

Quote from: notaloneI got my bathroom clean, really clean. Glad for that. Also filled up a large garbage bag full of stuff to donate. Threw it in my car trunk so it's not sitting in my basement. Some laundry done

This is amazing!  :) Great job, Notalone!  :cheer:

Quote from: notaloneI'm Netflix binging and trying to not beat myself up for not doing more and for tv binging.

This sounds like a good reward for all your accomplishments earlier in the day. I understand that ICr is a nasty beast, but honestly, this accomplishment/reward seems like a healthy principle to me. Good job looking after yourself, even if it may not feel like it.

---

Quote from: notalone on May 08, 2021, 02:47:58 PM
Jazzy, thanks for sharing your action plan with me. I do try to do something similar. Part of my problem is that I have 3 other people in my house, so I'm not only dealing with my stuff. Sometimes I get one area organized and cleaned and then an adult child cleans his room by dumping stuff in the empty space I made. Talking about it doesn't help. I think that as soon as one child gets on a more normal schedule (he's moving from working nights to working days), I will have a day where everyone works on sorting and cleaning the basement, which seems to be the main dumping ground.

This is from a little while ago, but it keeps coming back in to my mind, because it sounds extremely frustrating! It would be so difficult for me to deal with this. I think it would cause me a lot of trouble. The word you've used a couple of times here: dumping, sounds very disrespectful. I mean that the others in the house are being disrespectful of you, not that you chose a bad word!

I'm sorry if I'm out of line in bringing this back up, but I just hate the thought of you being stuck in that situation. I have some more ideas, and I hope they are helpful. If they don't connect well with you, that's okay too!

Quote from: notaloneTalking about it doesn't help.

This sounds horrible! I notice you've mentioned it more than once when writing about your family. I'm sorry they don't listen to you better, and as a result don't treat you better. That also sounds very disrespectful.

Communication is very important to me. I think it is crucial to improving a bad situation between people. I do hear you that it hasn't been working, though. Maybe you could try talking in a different way, and that would have better results. I have no idea how you speak to your children, but just as an example off the top of my head, instead of saying something like:

QuotePlease don't dump the stuff in your room in to the basement.

You could try something like:

QuoteWhen you dump the stuff from your room in to the basement, it destroys the progress I've made on cleaning, which is very disrespectful. Don't do that again!

Sometimes, talking just isn't enough though. So, you could also try doing... which often times has a much bigger impact. Please bear with me here, this may not sound the best at first. :)

Instead of just saying "don't do that again", maybe you could take all the stuff they dumped in the basement, and dump it right back in to their room, then explain why you did it.

Of course, you don't want to do this out of any negative emotion like anger or spite, and I don't think it would be good to do it regularly. However, the point is to show them the impact of their actions. Be ready though, they're probably not going to be very happy about the mess in their room, and they shouldn't be. The point is that they are making you feel that way too, and that isn't acceptable either.

I also realize that generating conflict like that is extremely difficult to do, maybe even impossible. It might be easier if you worked on some other exercises to increase your self-esteem and self-respect first. I don't want you to generate conflict if you can avoid it (which is why I always try to talk first), and I'm sure you don't want the conflict either. But it isn't right for you to be treated so poorly, and if a little bit of conflict results in you being treated better, then I think it will be worth it in the end.

You have a lot on your plate right now notalone, but you're doing a great job! Keep up the good work!  :thumbup:

I hope you're feeling better soon!  :)

EDIT: Just adding a bit. It's very important to explain why you would do such a thing. Otherwise, people might think you're just being a witch and feel hurt, and hurt tends to lead to other negative feelings. But when you explain that "I'm showing you how you are hurting me, because you don't understand my words.", it can lead to a lot of positive. Even if it doesn't lead to better behaviour in the others, I think it would be extremely good for you to show that you expect to be treated better.

Even if you don't believe/feel it because of everything you've been through in the past, you really do deserve to be respected!

EDIT 2: Reduced the text size, because I don't want to be yelling or anything like that. I was just trying to highlight what I felt was important. :)

Oh, notalone, I'm so sorry, I've just read your first post on May 8th where you wrote a big red list. I read it all and I care. I hear your pain, I hear your frustration. I can't do anything but send  :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: and say  :applause: :applause: :applause: on the forward steps you're taking atm. Because you are moving forwards, you are taking healing steps.

Thank you to each of you who read and responded. I'm not able to address each of you right now, but please know that I appreciate your comments and care.


I applied for a FT job yesterday. I say that in a simple sentence, but the application and process was extensive and took me many hours to complete.  :stars: I think that this will be a job that I will enjoy with somewhat minimal stress. Of course all is unknown.

Quote from: notalone on May 08, 2021, 02:47:58 PM
My husband had committed to working until the end of the year so that we have insurance. He has since said things that make me not trust his commitment. The thought of finding a FT job and working that many hours is beyond overwhelming.

The job I applied to would start at the end of the summer, I think, so if I wait until December it is unlikely I could get this type of job. I also wonder if being proactive, instead of H's retirement hanging over my head, would be better for me.

Struggled today. I've been feeling the chasm in my chest of aloneness. Yesterday in session I told something to T that I thought he would get. He wasn't on the same page about it, so that hurt and increased my feeling of alone.

I made myself go for a walk. It's sunny, but chilly. Glad I did that. Managed to go to grocery store.

This afternoon I crashed. I was feeling the aloneness. I curled up on my bed and put my hood on my head. Was in and out of sleep and felt the waves of fear regarding new client tomorrow and applying for a job. Couldn't get up for a couple of hours. Once I got up I didn't feel great, but no longer felt like I was drowning. My head is above the water for the moment.

I hear you and I think you're doing great, all things considered. You got up e.g. after a few hours (not after a few days); you applied for a FT job. It took you hours, but you got it done! :thumbup: :cheer: It would take me hours but I wouldn't get it done. I know from experience.

So kudos to you for keeping going!  :hug: :hug: :hug:

Thank you, Blueberry. Your encouragement means a lot to me.  :hug:

It's really hard to pull our head up and get out when we are feeling knocked about by the waves and drowning. You did it. That's big.  :cheer:

Great job on the application! That type of thing takes me so many hours. Shoot just finding a password takes me hours and meltdowns. Stuff is HARD!

I'm sorry therapy made you feel alone, and maybe miunderstood. That's sad. :( I hope the feeling of aloneness lifts soon. In the meantime...give some to me! I want peace and aloneness!!!  ;D

Thank you, Armadillo.


New client went well today. That is a relief.  Nothing yet on job that I applied for.

I'm sorry to hear you've been feeling alone. I hope you feel better soon. :) Well done with the job application, and all your other recent accomplishments.

Thank you, Jazzy. Really appreciate your empathy and encouragement.

i, too, am sorry for your feelings of aloneness.  i hope that can get resolved.  it's no fun at all. 

i'm glad your new client went well.  good luck on the job front.  we're here for you as best we can be.  love and hugs :hug:

Another xanax and Netflix binge weekend.  :fallingbricks: Very hard not to spiral into self condemnation.  :pissed: Just re-read text message from a friend who knows what I dealt with in therapy. She said it takes a lot out of you and to be kind to myself. Not doing well, but not drowning. So tired of just existing being so hard.

notalone, I'm supporting you in your Netflix binge weekend. I'm sure you need it. Otherwise you would do something else. Today for the first time in daaaaays I actually sat in front of my FurBabies home, watching them and talking to them (which they and I all enjoy). Why wasn't I doing that in the past 10 days instead of zoning out? Because I didn't have the wherewithal for even that. So I imagine something similar might be going on for you. I liked the way a mbr on here recently suggested your Netflixing was a reward for all the steps you had been making.  :hug: :hug:

You have a good friend, there, it sounds like and I am proud of you for taking care of yourself and relaxing. You'll have energy soon enough. But forcing yourself to be productive when you are depleted will make you...more depleted. So much easier to support others than take our own advice!  :whistling:

Notalone, I'm sorry to hear you are feeling overwhelmed and upset and discouraged. Those feelings are very understandable though, you're dealing with a lot! It's great that you're looking after yourself, and not just pushing yourself in to a breakdown. I wonder if its at all possible to reduce some of the stress in your life? I found that stressful things were so extremely difficult while suffering from a stress disorder!

You're doing great! Keep up the good work, even when that good work is watching Netflix! :)

Hi Notalone,
I wanted to add a supportive hug, if that's ok  :hug:  I have been also watching Netflix, I tend to try to watch a film from there every day.  But I don't always find something.  I digress, what I was wanting to say was that I hope that you don't be hard on yourself for enjoying some relaxation time, and watching films like that - I agree with your friend that you've been doing such a lot in your therapy, and that is (I would imagine) very draining and taking a lot to do that.  So you deserve some time to do whatever you want to do.

I hope you don't mind my saying that.
Hope  :)

I tried to write earlier and couldn't.

Trauma work has been really tough, which is why I haven't posted in a couple of weeks. Thank you Blueberry, Armadillo, Jazzy and Hope for your comments. I did read those and felt your support. I feel pressure about how I should be functioning. Your understanding and permission helps.

I've been working on revamping my resume, gearing it toward the career I had previous to possible full time job. I find it really overwhelming so I've been working on little bits at a time. Today's task left me completely overwhelmed. I could only come up with two bullet points for a job that I did well for many years. I couldn't think. Couldn't not come up with thoughts or words. After sitting, mostly frozen, for awhile, I decided that persevering at that time was pointless. I put it away, took a xanax, and am back to Netflix. I hope that when I go back to it tomorrow, I will be able to think.

Part of the frozen, is the terror of having to get a full time job. I'm trying to not focus on that and just do one little bit at a time. However, the terror is always there; sometimes closer than others.

Trying to keep the panic and the "I can't!" at bay. The xanax is helping, but I feel it around the edges.

Thanks for being here, friends. I know you understand being hijacked when trying to do a task.

It sounds smart to take a break and just do one little bit here and there. Do you have someone who knows you well who can help you?

I can totally understand why applying for a fulltime job feels overwhelming. Even though I work more hours than I am paid I choose to be part time myself.

I'm glad to hear from you notalone! I've been concerned about you. :)

Trying to get a full time job sounds extremely stressful and all kinds of difficult. You do a much better job at explaining it than I could. It sounds great that you've been relaxing a bit with the xanax and netflix.

I'm really sorry to hear that you're terrified and I wish I could help make it better. I hope you find peace.

All the best to you notalone. :)

 :hug:  :hug:

Armadillo, thank you for your understanding.
Jazzy, I appreciate your concern. For this moment I have some peace, so I'm grateful for that.
Bach, back to you and all the Bs.  :grouphug:

The panic and feelings of "I can't" have left for now. I am hoping that when I attempt to do this one small part of my resume tomorrow, that I am able to think and to do it. I will try to only focus on that one task and not the future. For now, I will try not to think about it

 :bighug: :bighug: I understand you so well, I'm going into freeze thinking about it.

I think it's great that you decided to take a break and to try again tomorrow. fwiw I did the same yesterday to try again today when I was stuck in freeze and not going any further.

I'm sorry trauma work has been so tough.  :hug:

Thank you Blueberry. I so appreciate your understanding and support. At least now I have learned enough to know that part of my brain has shut down. Previously I would have continued to struggle for a long time, not made progress, and then verbally beat myself up. It does help to know that you and others with c-PTSD have the same struggles, especially when I'm thinking that I should be more functioning.

Quote from: notalone on May 31, 2021, 09:02:02 PM
I've been working on revamping my resume, gearing it toward the career I had previous to possible full time job. I find it really overwhelming so I've been working on little bits at a time. Today's task left me completely overwhelmed. I could only come up with two bullet points for a job that I did well for many years. I couldn't think. Couldn't not come up with thoughts or words. After sitting, mostly frozen, for awhile, I decided that persevering at that time was pointless. I put it away, took a xanax, and am back to Netflix. I hope that when I go back to it tomorrow, I will be able to think.

Today I was able to complete that task. It's not perfect, but good enough for now. After completing that part, I made myself put it away and am trying to keep resume and job hunting thoughts to a minimum.

I hate the brain shutdown. Sometimes though it is so in your face and obvious you can't help but try to have some compassion for how hard we have to work to function with a brain that shuts down semi-regularly.

Good job trying to put away thoughts about the resume when you aren't actively working on it.

Thanks, Armadillo.  :hug:

notalone, i'm glad you got to a place that seems more manageable.  it's a show of your strength and determination.  sending love and a hug filled with one step, then another, and that's all that matters, however that might play out. :hug:

Quote from: notalone on June 01, 2021, 04:40:37 PM
Today I was able to complete that task. It's not perfect, but good enough for now. After completing that part, I made myself put it away and am trying to keep resume and job hunting thoughts to a minimum.

:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: for each of those 3 sentences

Quote from: notalone on June 01, 2021, 04:40:37 PM
At least now I have learned enough to know that part of my brain has shut down. ...It does help to know that you and others with c-PTSD have the same struggles, especially when I'm thinking that I should be more functioning.

It's really helpful for me that you wrote part of your brain has shut down. I tend to think and say it's the whole of my brain, which is plainly not true. It's also really helpful that you wrote the whole sentence because it seems to have a different effect on me seeing someone else has written it. Idk if that makes sense but that's how it feels.

Oh I see that should thing is in your mind too ;)

Sounds great notalone! I'm happy to hear you're realizing what's going on in your mind and taking action to help. :)

San, Blueberry, Jazzy, thank you. I know it's been awhile. I had a couple of weeks where it was too hard for me to be on OOTS. BB, yes that does make sense.

Today after my session, when I got home, I asked myself how I could bring some comfort to the 13/14-year-old Part of me. I put the weighted blanket on her and she watched a couple of T.V. shows (streaming). I had to get through some shoulds.  I shouldn't be watching T.V. during the day. (I usually don't have the T.V. on during the day.) I should go for a walk since it is a nice day. I should journal my session. I should clean the house. I asked myself, "Are these shoulds helpful? Are they bringing kindness to myself?" No. I can't say I didn't have any guilt for watching T.V., but it wasn't too strong.

I did go for a walk and called a friend.

It's so hard living with this stuff (trauma). Ughhh.

It is very difficult but you're doing a great job, Notalone!  :)

I really like how you asked yourself if the shoulds  were bringing you kindness. That's very important!  :thumbup:

Thanks, Jazzy. I agree, asking if something brings kindness is important. Kindness is a journey for me.

I had been scheduled to work today. When I got there I was no longer on the schedule. Apparently there was a change and either no one informed me, or they informed me and I missed the message. I was a bit irritated that no one told me of the change. I also understand that glitches happen. When I got home I started getting anxious about if I missed a message; was it my fault? I'm a little irritated (I guess with my life situation) that I end up questioning myself and needing to know that I didn't do anything wrong. I only spent a little bit of time trying to figure out how to retrieve deleted text messages. (I didn't figure it out.) I was able to let go of the need to know if it was my fault fairly quickly, so that is growth. It was nice to have the day off.  :bigwink:

Oh Notalone, I can so relate to this type of thing happening and how I would respond.  I'm glad you were able to have some time for yourself today despite a difficult start. 

Thank you, Rainydiary.

That's huge....being able to let go of trying to figure out if it is your fault. I'm sorry that happened but it does sound like growth and also like a day off was a pretty fortuitous thing.  :hug:

Quote from: Armadillo on June 16, 2021, 03:24:14 AM
That's huge....being able to let go of trying to figure out if it is your fault. I'm sorry that happened but it does sound like growth and also like a day off was a pretty fortuitous thing.  :hug:

:yeahthat: :yourock:

Wow Notalone! This is incredible!  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

I love how you let go of that need fairly quickly, that's huge!!!  :thumbup:

As far as I know, there is no easy way to recover a deleted text message. It's great that you didn't spend a lot of time on it and grow frustrated. I've been working so hard at that for a while now, and here you are doing so well at it already.  :applause:

P.S. How do you feel about me using some colour here in your journal? :)

Armadillo and Jazzy, thank you for affirming me in letting go of having to prove it wasn't my fault. It is a big thing because in childhood the consequences for doing something wrong was severe.

Jazzy, I love that you are using that color in my journal. My Littles are especially happy about it.

Hi Notalone,
I love seeing the pink in your journal too.  I can't work out how to do colours at this moment, otherwise I'd join in - but I think I'm a bit younger in my selves today, so not able to necessarily work things out. 

But I have been reading your journal now and then, and have wanted to reply, but not always felt able to, but I do want to send you a hug  :hug:

Hope  :)

Hope, thank you for the hug. I am hugging you back.  :hug:

Quote from: notalone on May 08, 2021, 02:47:58 PM
Stuff
My marriage is soooo empty. My H is now home 4 days a week. Our very little superficial communication and mostly silence is deafening. The ALONENESS in that relationship is a big crater in my heart. Sometimes I just feel like screaming, not in anger, but in pain. From what I read and what my therapist said, I need to grieve and live my life. Is feeling this aching chasm that I feel grieving?

I have been feeling the pain of my H having Avoidant Personality a lot the last couple of days. It is often worse when there is a family or social event. Since I have given up on closeness, for the most part, we are apart physically; he in one room and me in another. When there is an event we are together and the emotional distance screams at me.

"The Avoidant Partner can and will prevent the development of a real life-giving marriage. They nurture the appearance but deny the love reality of marriage. To the undiscerning their home is so very peaceful. In the spirit the home is the tomb/womb of the avoidant. It is a hiding place, a retreat, and the peace is not life-giving to the inhabitants. To the visitor all is well. From the outside all is well. Ill health and death linger in the halls where love has not been allowed to settle."     https://www.christian-marriage-counselling.com/avoidant-personality-and-marriage.html

The pain of having a very shallow relationship with my spouse is enourmous. My T has told me that he creates pain for those in his life, but he is not in pain. He is very content in his cave.

Living with the pretense of everything being okay is so much like childhood; part time living in h*ll and the rest of the time acting like everything is normal. I hate it and the dichotomy is crazy-making.

I haven't figured out how to live with this. Please do not suggest that I talk to him. I tried that for over two decades. From what I've learned about avoidant personality, attempts at realness and working toward intimacy only cause the avoidant person to erect another wall.

Notalone, I appreciate you voicing this.  I experience a similar dynamic with my husband and feel alone too.  It is tough to know to what to do.  I am here with you as you navigate this path. 

 :hug:

I'm sorry Notalone. I'm sorry you are emotionally alone there in your marriage. It sounds incredibly painful.

I also apologize because several days ago I made the misguided suggestion to tell your husband how you are feeling about something not knowing about the dynamic. I will try to do better for you because you deserve that.

Rainydiary, it is hard to feel alone in a marriage. I'm sorry that you experience that also. I am grateful for your support.

Armadillo, thank you for your compassion. Yes, it is painful. No apologies needed for suggesting that I tell my H how I feel. I don't expect you to know all the dynamics in my life. Your words were out of care and good intentions.

Notalone.

I have just dipped into the last few pages of your journal. I find the fact that you manage to hold down a job very inspiring, and hope that you are able to find a full time job that meets your needs. It must be so difficult but it sounds as if you are handling it really well.

Also, I wanted to thank you your openess about your marriage, and for the link about avoidant personality and marriage. It was an absolute eye opener. It very much described my late husband. It was such an empty, lonely marriage. An empty, lonely life for thirty years. Never any conflict, never any connection.

I am pleased that you have become aware of the nature of your marriage. I hope it helps you to let go of some of the guilt that we all seem to carry. I didn't start to realise my husband's part in my difficulties until after his death. It's the next goal for my healing.

Thank you for being brave enough to talk about your marriage and husband. You have helped me so much.

Libby, thanks for stopping in and reading some pages from my journal and for taking the time to reply. I have been reading your journal also and am sorry for all the pain you have been experiencing with your late H and your children.

Right now I am only working one day a week, so I don't know that I'm really "holding down a job." Looking for a FT job is super stressful to me. I only work on little bits of my resume at a time and it usually causes me to have heightened stress for the rest of the day. The thought of working FT seems impossible. I'm trying to go one step at a time; although I'm only semi-successful at that. The weight of that is always on me, sometimes heavier than others.

Quote from: Libby183 on June 19, 2021, 08:11:43 AM
It was such an empty, lonely marriage. . . Never any conflict, never any connection.

Your words are an apt description of marriage to someone with avoidant personality. I think my H and I may have had 5 serious arguments in 25 years. Those usually ended in him walking out of the room with me in mid-sentence. No connection, no resolution. Last fall my T told me he was avoidant. I looked it up online and it really opened my eyes. I have experienced guilt, frustration, hurt. Living with someone who is avoidant can be crazy-making. Now that I know that he is avoidant and what that means, I am spending less energy knocking my head against a brick wall (trying for intimacy) and realizing that there is a reason for what I was feeling and I'm not crazy. I wish I could completely let go of hope of intimacy, but that's a tough one.

Quote from: Libby183 on June 19, 2021, 08:11:43 AM
Thank you for being brave enough to talk about your marriage and husband. You have helped me so much.

I really appreciate you saying that because I have guilt when I talk about him. I'm realizing that my hope of connection and working on things is a false hope. I need to figure out how to live in this. Part of that is getting support here.

Hi Notalone! :)

There is a lot of stuff here. Honestly, I'm not ready to comment on the marriage situation. That's a difficult thing I haven't made peace with in my own life. I'm sorry I can't do better with that right now, but I wish you all the best with it.

What you said about trying to go one step at a time is great! That has been so important in my own recovery as well. It was really good for me to learn to take smaller steps too, so I wonder if that is something you'd be willing to consider.

I know it may not feel like you're doing much, but you really are. I see that you have come a very long way recently.  :cheer: Its not realistic or fair to compare ourselves to others who are not suffering from trauma. I do my best to compare myself to how I have been in the past. One day per week is infinitely more than 0 days a week, and I'm very impressed by that.

Congratulations on your progress! :D

Jazzy <3

Jazzy, thank you for your kind comments. You are right that it isn't realistic to compare myself to those without trauma. I needed that reminder.


Today has been a pretty good day. I worked on another version of my resume. Usually that is very stressful for me. I was able to do it and make the changes fairly quickly. I didn't panic or go into brain freeze mode (broca offline).

Usually when I go to the grocery store, after a certain point, I feel overwhelmed. Today I didn't feel overwhelmed in the store and I was looking for things that aren't normally on my list, which can be more stressful.

I bought some art & craft supplies for a couple of my Parts.

Also talked to a good friend via phone. 

Notalone, I'm glad you found some ease today. 

Notalone:

This is tremendous progress, congratulations! I am so happy for you!  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

I hope you don't mind me saying, but I remember not too long ago when you wrote about being collapsed on the bedroom floor being unable to get up. That really stuck with me, because I've been in similar situations.

Now you are making quick, efficient changes on your resume of all things, and going above and beyond at the grocery store, then rewarding yourself with positive personal experiences (art & crafts) as well as social interactions.

You're doing such a fantastic job! I am beyond impressed!  :applause:

Thank you Rainydiary and Jazzy.

I've hit a bit of a wall for today, but that's okay.  Today I saw my therapist, made cookies to be frozen for future event, wrote cover letter and other job seeking tasks. For me that is a lot and some of those involve a lot of emotion.

Quote from: notaloneI've hit a bit of a wall for today, but that's okay.

WOW! This is phenomenal. Knowing when you need a break is how you keep from getting too low. Excellent work respecting yourself by taking preventive measures like this.  :applause:

That's quite a bit for one day Not Alone! Planning ahead to make cookies seems exceptionally impressive to me.

Thanks, Jazzy. Recognizing my wall, not beating myself up for it being there, and taking a break if possible; is growth in self-care for me. I appreciate you recognizing it.

Armadillo, I'm trying to reduce stress for the event coming up as much as possible. Making treats ahead of time is something that I can do to take a little off of my shoulders closer to the time of the event.



The following is bothering me more than I thought. It's like a cloak around me of feelings and a deeper realization of the hopelessness of the situation.

There was talk of my H seeing a therapist. Won't go into all the details. Had another conversation about it this morning. I'll skip telling you the details of the conversation where he blamed/used me for an excuse.

Me: The point of going to therapy is if you want to work on your issues. It doesn't have anything to do with what I think or say. It's if you want to work on your stuff.
H: I don't think I do [want to work on my issues].

Note, from my point of view, I think that his "stuff" is little ability for conversation, lack of feelings, lack of ability for emotional intimacy. All of that equals a very shallow and empty marriage.

I feel like another nail has been hammered into the coffin of my marriage.

I'm really hurt and angry for so many reasons regarding my H.

I took two xanax this afternoon and took a long nap.

Typical Avoidant, my husband has regulated and all is fine with him. I carry the distress and pain.

My H doesn't care enough about me or our marriage to work on it. That really, really hurts. One of the articles that I read on Avoidant Personality called being married to an Avoidant, "silent divorce." Ever since I read that it resonated with me. I feel it really strongly right now. Pain. Alone.

Notalone:

I am so sorry to hear you are hurting like this!  :hug: I'm glad you took a nap, and I hope you continue to care for yourself through this struggle.

"Silent divorce" makes a lot of sense to me. I wonder if it is more than that as well though. What you said about the nail in the coffin makes me think your H may be emotionally dead.

I'm not sure why he doesn't want to work on things, perhaps he doesn't think it is possible to improve. That sounds very hopeless to me. Maybe at some point he will be able to express why. Hopefully that will be a small step towards him understanding what is going on in his life, and if he is truly happy with it or not.

Quote from: Notalone...all is fine with him. I carry the distress and pain.

I really feel this. It's so horrible! I'm sorry, Notalone.  :hug:

I hope you're feeling better soon!

<3 Jazzy

Notalone, I am so sorry to read your recent posts about your marriage. It all feels so, so similar to my marriage. My H never considered that he had any role in our problems and would never have even considered therapy because he had no issues that needed addressing. Like you, I carried all of the distress and pain.

I'm so sad for you and wish so much that I had more words.

Quote from: notalone on June 26, 2021, 12:55:08 AM
My H doesn't care enough about me or our marriage to work on it. That really, really hurts.

:hug: :hug:

Jazzy, thank you for your compassion.

Libby, your words are helpful. I know that you (unfortunately) share the experience of living with an Avoidant spouse. Having someone who knows at that level helps me to feel less alone, so thank you for sharing with me.

Blueberry, I feel those compassionate hugs.



For a long time now my H and I have been living fairly separately within the same house; he's downstairs and I'm upstairs in our bedroom. Occasionally we will share a meal or watch a movie together. Right now I'm feeling like I don't want to be around him at all. Being polite and kind and completely surface-level relationship ----ugh.  :sadno:

When the subject of him going to therapy first came up last week (not worth writing the details), I tried to not get my hopes up. I had some hope, but not as much as I would have in the past. I prayed and told Jesus that I've had so many embers of hope about our relationship that have been rained on in the past, please put out any sparks of hope that will lead nowhere. Jesus did answer that prayer. H telling me he was not willing to look at or work on his own stuff was pretty clear.

Throughout our marriage my H has given me tidbits of hope that he wants more intimacy. I have learned that Avoidants give crumbs to keep someone hooked. "Bread crumbing:  When you are being bread crumbed, the other person is tossing you out small bits of reinforcement, just enough to keep you around." https://therecoveryexpert.com/?p=315

Right now my H is being friendly and making jokes. I can't stand it! I wish I had a place to go. I don't want to be anywhere near him. "Submarining: Similar to ghosting, except the person pops up again out of the blue and acts like nothing ever happened." (Dr. Sharie Stines)  https://therecoveryexpert.com/?p=315 He doesn't leave because we live together, but he definitely acts like nothing happened. Our marriage is DEAD and he acts like nothing is wrong. Nothing is wrong for him. As my T says, "He's in his happy place." No emotions, no need for communication, no emotional connection or commitment.

I am trying to think of a place where I can go. I can't stand to be in the same house with H right now. Most of my friends are married and have families. My one friend that I would feel safe with is 8 hours away. I even thought about going to a hotel. Maybe I'll take xanax again and disappear.

 :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:


Ask your friends. As someone with a family if I had a dear friend struggling and suffering in your situation I would want to take you in. I would want to help you get a fresh start. I would welcome another set of helping hands around the house. It may be that it doesnt work out if their spouse is not on the same page but it's worth a try.  :grouphug:

Please don't disappear. Stay with this. Its telling you something needs to change for you to be happy. Listen to it, Not Alone.

Thank you, Armadillo. I should clarify that I wasn't wanting to leave completely. I'm not at that point and I have my kids to think about. Even though they are adults, us separating would affect them greatly.

I ended up driving to church. I don't know why. No one was there of course. I sat in my car in the parking lot for quite awhile. I journaled, cried a bit. Then I started to feel panic. I can't pinpoint what the panic was about.

I went back home. I took some xanax and slept for several hours.

 :hug:

<3 Jazzy

 :hug:

I understand. I'm sorry you're in such a  stage right now where nothing quite feels right. You'll get where you need to be when it's time.

I hate panic that comes out of the blue with no real story to go with it. 😪

Thank you, Jazzy and Armadillo.

I had a tough morning. When I woke up I wanted to just put the covers over my head and stay in bed. I forced myself to get up and get ready for church. I was running late. I put my stuff in the car then realized two family members had their cars parked behind me. I didn't want to wake them to get keys and I was already quite late.

I gave up. I sat in the bathroom feeing like "I can't. . ." I texted my friend who was expecting me at church and told her that I wasn't coming because my car was blocked. I was really at the edge of the cliff, or maybe over the cliff. I couldn't stand to "be" and was trying to figure out what to do. Xanax? (so tired of living via xanax this weekend) Self-harm? Maybe. Call someone? Who would I call? Call suicide hotline? I'm not suicidal. I just can't. This was all going around and around in my head and feeling like I couldn't continue to be. I received a text back from my friend saying she and her husband would pick me up at 9:30. I was really disoriented. I was an hour ahead. I've been going to this church for a couple of months, but I was so disoriented that I got the starting time wrong. That was confusing and disturbing.

I ended up moving the cars then driving. After church my friend put her arm around me and I cried. Another woman came over and prayed for me. That was kind and I appreciated their care.

There was a picnic after church. I had planned on going, but I was in such a bad emotional place. I wasn't sure what to do. I ended up going to the picnic. I'm glad I went. I was able to talk to a few people and not be an emotional wreck.

Now I'm home and really don't want to be near my husband. I'm not. As usual, he's downstairs and I'm upstairs. To him everything is the same. To me, in saying that he isn't willing to look at his issues, he made it really clear that he doesn't care enough about me or our marriage to make any changes. He didn't file for divorce, but it almost feels like that. Hope for relationship with him, beyond superficial closeness, has died (or maybe is dying). Hope dying is a big deal. I am not overreacting.

Added to this, his being superficial and acting like nothing is wrong, when I'm in intense emotional pain, is a mirror of childhood. Act like everything is okay. . . (too much to say more now).

 :hug:

 :hug:

I appreciate you sharing, Notalone. I'm sorry I can't be more of a support for you right now, but this topic of a dead marriage is too much for me to handle.  :'(

It's great that you are working through it, and especially how your friends are helping. It's so powerful that despite all of this, you are able to spend some time with them like at the picnic.

Hopefully in the future you will feel more comfortable reaching out to your friends. Please also feel free to reach out here. While it may not be immediate, it is a place where you are not alone.

<3 Jazzy

 :hug:

Good job getting help and comfort from friends.  :cheer:

Hope dying in a relationship is a huge deal. It really is. It's heart breaking. Once you really know what you are facing and what you have the power to change and not change...it can also be a little freeing, eventually. Sad. Very sad. But also freeing. It's not the same at all, as a marriage, especially I think with the spiritual component that feels like it might be important in your life, and with your kids, but I will say realizing there was no hope for fixing things with my mom opened me up to not being so hard on myself that I couldn't fix it, to just letting it be,

Hi Notalone it's Middle B  :wave:  Bach is really sad that you're sad but she's sick right now and can't think of what to say so I'm sending you some pretty pictures I took in the yard.  We have to stay resting all the time and I'm really bored but every day when the sun is out we go out in the yard for a little while and lie on the lounge chair or in the grass.  I especially like lying in the grass, that makes me feel relaxed!  Bach isn't sure if I should send you pictures or not but I said I don't think you'll mind  :)  :sunny: :grouphug:

Yummy peas! I love peas!
https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/51275701727_0f572e508e_b.jpg

Pretty tree! It is older than me, Bach planted it like 22 years ago or something.
https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/51277191049_9f37bcb252_b.jpg

Notalone.

I am so sorry to read how difficult a time you are having with regards to your husband. I really do feel your pain, but am so pleased that you were able to go to church and to a picnic. When you are so  lonely at home, any connection is so comforting, isn't it?

I hope that you can work through this terribly difficult part of your life. I am with you in spirit.

hello notalone,

I loved this:

QuoteI ended up moving the cars then driving.

The fact is you took action and it was all about self-care. That's really important, especially because life is so raw right now. You have the strength needed within yourself to make similar choices. You are cared for and important.

Raindiary, I saw your hug on the day that you sent it and your care meant a lot to me.

Jazzy, I appreciate your support.

Quote from: Jazzy on June 28, 2021, 02:30:20 AM
Please also feel free to reach out here. While it may not be immediate, it is a place where you are not alone.<3 Jazzy

This invitation and reminder, warms my heart.

Armadillo,

Quote from: Armadillo on June 28, 2021, 02:08:04 PM
Hope dying in a relationship is a huge deal. It really is. It's heart breaking. Once you really know what you are facing and what you have the power to change and not change...it can also be a little freeing, eventually. Sad. Very sad. But also freeing. It's not the same at all, as a marriage, especially I think with the spiritual component that feels like it might be important in your life, and with your kids, but I will say realizing there was no hope for fixing things with my mom opened me up to not being so hard on myself that I couldn't fix it, to just letting it be,

I really appreciate your affirmation that this is really hard. You are right that the spiritual component and my kids will be important considerations in the decisions that I make. I don't know what that looks like. I'm just beginning to allow that I have choices to make, "power to change or not change."

Middle B, I am so happy to hear from you. I bet that you are bored. I hope that you have a lot of sunny days where you can be outside. I'm sorry that Bach is so sick.  :'(

I love the pictures that you sent me. Thank you so much! Are the peas in your garden? They are amazing. I love the tree. The sun streaming through the leaves is so pretty. You are very creative. You really are a gifted photographer.

Libby, I appreciate your support. I know that you get it. It is really hard to be lonely at home.

Thank you, BeeKeeper. Thank you for your affirmation.

Quote from: BeeKeeper on June 28, 2021, 07:05:16 PM
You are cared for and important.

Thank you. I need that reminder.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I met with a group of friends today. We're doing a book study/discussion together. I cried and told them what is going on. They were caring and prayed for me.

I saw my therapist today. He told me that there are a lot of choices that I have. He talked about some, but it is all too overwhelming right now. I need to take it slowly. I also don't want to act on any big decisions until after a family event happening in a couple of months. When I'm not so overwhelmed, I will look at possible choices, boundaries. Also need to talk more with T about talking to the kids. It all feels confusing to me right now. 

 :hug:

You have time, as long as there isn't outright abuse,  so take it. Just opening your mind to the concept you have some choices is huge. I wish you had a loving partner. Take care of yourself.

I'm sorry this is hurting so badly, Notalone.  :hug:

I'm encouraged to see you pacing yourself by deferring things until later, when you are better able to deal with them. That is great self-care!  :thumbup:

<3 Jazzy

Thanks, Armadillo & Jazzy. Yes, it is a big thing to know that I have choices and also to take my time deciding on my next step.

I went over what my T said yesterday regarding situation w/ H. I'm starting to be able to think and not just be all fuzzy in my head.

I did feel a bit strange, physically, at work today. I only worked 4 hours, but it was exhausting. I think I was affected by the heat.

I'm looking at a applying for a FT job that has an opening. It is a bit further away than I was hoping to commute. So far I haven't even been asked to interview for the jobs that I've applied for. Applying isn't a commitment, so I'll apply and see what happens.

Working all day tomorrow. It usually goes by quickly.

Hi Notalone  :wave:  We could only go outside for five minutes early in the morning yesterday because even though it was sunny it was too too too HOT! :aaauuugh:  But when we were outside we picked some peas in the garden and they were yummy for a snack.  The peas are in our garden growing along with lots of other yummy vegetables like greenbeans and carrots and spaghetti squash and beets and peppers and COOOORN  :excited:.  Then there's also some stuff out there I don't like so much but Bach grows it because it's "healthy" and her Person makes it into juice.  Yuck.  But it's "good for us" so I guess it's okay.  Oh also tomatoes to make spaghetti sauce!  YUM!  I love the garden!  I still can't believe that Bach can grow real food!  We also have zillions of flowers so the bees come to visit.  I couldn't take any pictures yesterday but here's one I took a long time ago with bees.

https://live.staticflickr.com/8761/28242068433_a0de1bec69_b.jpg

I hope you're feeling okay today! Now we have to go rest again, blah  :pissed: Thank you for being my friend  :sunny: Bye for now!  :wave:

 :hug:

That's amazing that the fog is lifting a bit. I hate those fuzzy feeling stretches. But boy contrasted with those periods when your brain feels more "normal"....it sure makes normal feel amazing.

I'm so proud of you for having the courage to apply for a fulltime job. That shows so much mental strength! Even if you don't take it, the fact you feel strong enough to even consider it is wonderful.  :hug:

Middle B, I was so glad to hear from you. Seeing your note made me smile. It seems to me that you like a lot of wonderful food from the garden that is healthy. It all tastes better fresh from the garden.

I love your bee photo. That is amazing. That should be on a greeting card. You are so talented!  :grouphug:   

Thank you for being my friend too.  :wave:       :bighug:

Armadillo, I do spend a lot of time in the fog.  :stars: Sometimes foggier than others.

Truthfully, I don't feel strong enough for a full time job, at all. My H will be retiring and I need a job with insurance. The burden feels more than I can bear. Trying to take one step at a time.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Work itself was fine today. All day though, I felt a sick feeling (emotional) in my stomach. Early in the day I was able to tell myself, "There has been a death. (Death of hope of connection in my marriage.) Be gentle and kind with yourself. It is a big deal and it makes sense that you feel this way." I still had to put on a "face"  ;D for work; it's part of the job.

I still feel. . .grief, I guess. Fear too. When I do decide what boundaries that I want to implement to make things more bearable, I don't know how H will react. At the earliest, that will be two months away. I have time to think about and process my options.  In the meantime, I carry these awful feelings. Dread. Sadness. Disappointment. Fear. Loss.

I don't have it in me right now to modify a cover letter to sent to job possibility. If anyone is there now, they will probably leave soon anyway, so waiting until tomorrow morning won't make a difference. So far, for the other places where I applied, I haven't gotten an interview. I don't know why. I'm trying to trust that the right job will come at the right time, but it's an enormous burden.

Notalone, I appreciate how challenging it is to live without the feeling of connection we would like and having to face the world while grieving.  I will be thinking of you. 

Thank you, RainyDiary. I know that you face very similar challenges.

Quote from: notalone on June 26, 2021, 03:42:59 PM
Throughout our marriage my H has given me tidbits of hope that he wants more intimacy. I have learned that Avoidants give crumbs to keep someone hooked. "Bread crumbing:  When you are being bread crumbed, the other person is tossing you out small bits of reinforcement, just enough to keep you around." https://therecoveryexpert.com/?p=315

When I talked to T about this, he said that he thinks that the 5-6 marriage counseling sessions that we had (pre-covid) was a bread crumb. He wasn't looking for truth or possibility of change, he was trying to appease me. I agree. At the end of our session, T said, "Guard your heart from the bread crumbs."

 :hug:

QuoteAt the end of our session, T said, "Guard your heart from the bread crumbs."

😭

:hug:

I reworded my cover letter and emailed letter, resume, and letters of recommendation. Now wait and see if I get an interview.

I feel a solid sphere is distress in my gut. Part of it is job hunting and the stress of needing to work full time and part is the death of hope for closeness in my marriage and holding the facade that everything is okay. All of that is swimming in the vast ocean of trauma. Ughhh.

Maybe I should do some breathing/visualization activities today. I feel like I am hardly breathing. A walk would be good too.

 :hug: :wave: sorry I've been MIA but it sounds like you have had a lot going on. Sending a big hug of support as you are looking for a new job.

I'm sorry your relationship is not going the way you would like it go. That's hard to deal with big hug :hug:

Thanks, Tee.  :hug:

Hi Notalone,

I'm popping in to give you a hug this evening. I've been thinking of you and I know things are tough.  :hug:

What you said about breathing really stands out to me. I'm amazed you're getting anything else done at all if you're not even breathing properly. Sounds like you're under more stress than I could handle. I hope thing ease up soon!

Sending you some of the peace I've been feeling today.

<3 Jazzy

Thank you, Jazzy. Appreciate your hug and your thoughts.


I had a job interview on Friday (different than job I mentioned on 7/1) and a second interview today with the same person and an additional person. It wasn't awful, but not great either. I didn't feel on top of my game. It's hard for me to think clearly when I'm nervous. Wait and see.

 :hug: fingers crossed for you I'm sure you did better than you think. Sending positive thoughts and a big hug of peace and comfort. :hug:

Tee, thank you. I need that hug of peace and comfort. This is so stressful.  :aaauuugh:

I received a phone call for another interview, different place. This one is less money, but my major concern is insurance and a fairly low stress job. Interview is on Thursday.

I am thinking of you Notalone.  Interviewing is difficult, especially when you have a lot riding on it.   :hug:

Sending good thoughts, notalone. :hug:

I hope you end up with lots of options to choose from, Not Alone, at the end of this.

Rainydiary, Blueberry, Armadillo; your support means a lot and brings me comfort.

Sending energy that you find the job that's best for you.  :cheer:

I hope the interview goes well, Notalone. I've not fully caught up with your journal yet, but I want you to know that I care about you, and you've been in my thoughts. :grouphug:

Thanks, Sage & Snowdrop.

I had another job interview today. Two hours later I received a call and was offered the job. I accepted. I'm pretty excited about it. Will write more about all this later.
:cheer:                   :party:                  :fireworks:                 :boogie:

 :yourock: :phoot: :woohoo:

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Oh that's brilliant news! Well done you!
:fireworks:

So pleased for you, notalone. What a great achievement!

Thank you, Rainydiary, Armadillo, Snowdrop, Libby, and all of you who have been supportive of me with the stress of the job situation. :grouphug:

Congrats! that's awesome! :cheer:

All the things I've had to consider in looking for a job:

- insurance that covers therapist
- how much they pay
- hours working
- what the job entails. Will I probably mostly enjoy it?
- How long is my commute?
- Will I maybe, possibly, manage to do this job while swimming in the ocean of cPTSD?

From many people's perspectives, the decision would be more focused on income and job security. That seems logical. However, my biggest priorities are having my therapy covered and a job that is the least stressful. I have been, and continue to fight these inner battles, hearing voices that are from "the world." I continue to struggle with that. When I texted my friends about the job that I accepted, I started writing an explanation for accepting a low paying job. I erased my justification before I sent the texts.

Those mental gymnastics were already going on. Then my husband said, "My first thought was that you jumped the gun and could have held out for a higher paying job."  :no: I told him that I had other things to consider, like working full time while struggling with cPTSD. He said it was just his first thought.

The next day we were talking about the insurance and me having to pay part of that. He said, "We might have to consider if this job is worth it." I said, "You have no idea of how hard all this is for me." In typical Avoidant, he next said something that was barely, if at all, related to what I just said.
:pissed:          :'(

I'm trying to not let my H's insensitive cluelessness take away my joy of being offered and accepting a job that I think I will mostly enjoy. Many others are rejoicing with me and are supportive, including those of you here.

I hope that in the not-too-far-future, I can get to a place where his avoidance and lack of understanding are not so impactful.

:fallingbricks:

Quote from: notalone on July 09, 2021, 10:02:17 PM
All the things I've had to consider in looking for a job:

- insurance that covers therapist
- how much they pay
- hours working
- what the job entails. Will I probably mostly enjoy it?
- How long is my commute?
- Will I maybe, possibly, manage to do this job while swimming in the ocean of cPTSD?

This looks like my list too, even for thinking about taking new positions in my current place. I duck away from other assignments that would be meaningful and that I would be the top candidate for because of fears about work hours and managing with the symptoms and the executive function struggles like concentration and organization.

I am very happy you found something that feels good. I'm so sorry your husband does not get it and probably won't.

Thank you, Armadillo. Appreciate your understanding and being happy for me. You're right, H probably won't ever get it.

Notalone

It is wonderful that you are prioritizing your health above your income. That will improve your healing so much! I feel very relieved, happy, and proud. Go you!  :cheer:

I'm so sorry your H doesn't get it, so doesn't support you in this. That... that really hurts.  :'( :hug:

Is it less worse that he avoids instead of contradicting and confronting you more strongly? It sounds like you are doing well standing up for yourself, and at least he is not fighting against you. What a horrible situation though, I'm so sorry.  :hug:

<3 Niko

Your priorities for the job sound very sensible. I'm sorry H seems so clueless, but I'm glad you have lots of supportive people around you to share in your delight. You've done brilliantly. :grouphug:

I agree with the others, your priorities for the job are very important. Getting a job isn't just the job itself, it's all you mentioned and more. Sometimes we have to change priorities, too. I hope it works out well for you. Maybe he'll be a bit more understanding if he sees that this decision worked out better for you. Unfortunately,  most of us are programmed to think more money equals more happiness, which is most definitely not the case.

Hi NotAlone!  :wave:

How are you feeling today?

:hug:

<3 Niko

Jazzy, Thank you for your affirmation and encouragement. Regarding Avoidant H, yes, his avoidance and lack of feeling and empathy is really painful AND it would be worse if he were actively challenging or against me. I believe that he thinks he is being supportive by mostly leaving me alone and letting me do what I need to. It isn't the kind of support I long for, but it is a degree of support.

Snowdrop, thank you. Your encouragement means a great deal to me.

CatusFlower, You are right, dealing with cPTSD means having different priorities. Thanks for your affirmation.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I took a brief nap this afternoon in an effort to have a break from the anxiety. It didn't work. I felt even more shaky and frozen. Also have some physical things going on, whether "real" or memories, I don't know. Regardless, the physical sensations are triggering and disturbing.

I feel like I'm trying to keep my head above water right now. The Littles are feeling needy, I feel the need to stay "adult" because of the job situation. The things that are triggering do not go away because this in not a convenient time! Right now I'm in my patio, which is a place of peace for me. The kitten is sleeping at my feet and I have candles burning. It's not a fix, but it is probably helping to bring the stress down a notch. Most likely tonight, I'll binge on T.V. I'm tired of doing that, but it is helping to get me through.

So tired of everything being so difficult. Yes, I hear all of you agreeing!

My dear Notalone,

I very gently and respectfully disagree with you about your husband being supportive.

This is painfully clear to me as I examine the history between myself and my ex-wife.

The reason your journal is so overwhelmingly difficult for me to read is because similar to your husband, I drastically neglected my own wife, especially on an emotional level.

This was never intentional; I was too traumatized to open up to her at all.

She is dealing with her own CPTSD, and despite my best intentions and efforts, my neglect has made it so much worse.

Disagreement and confrontation is very challenging for us trauma survivors, but I cannot sit here and say nothing while you write that your husband is supporting you, when he is very clearly neglecting you.

Yes, neglect is harder to notice than being overtly abusive, but it is just as painful and damaging, if not more so.

You deserve people in your life who love you, Notalone!

I hope you consider me one of those people, but I understand if you do not.  :hug:

<3 Niko

 :hug: Not Alone. Anxiety makes sense right now. I wonder if it helps to remind you and littles that you don't need to be adult Not Alone all the time just because of the new job. Your littles can still have their time, too. Just at work your adult will need to take the reins. I'm sorry if that's not helpful. I don't (think I) have littles, so I definitely don't know what it is like.  :hug: You'll all adjust and if something needs to be different to be manageable you can change things up.

Your patio sounds very peaceful, Notalone.

I know that when I've been through a stressful time, it often catches up with me afterwards. It's like I do what I must to get through things, and collapse afterwards. When I read your last post, it made me wonder whether this might be a factor for you. Just a thought.

QuoteSo tired of everything being so difficult. Yes, I hear all of you agreeing!

I'm nodding in agreement. :yes:
:grouphug:

QuoteSo tired of everything being so difficult. Yes, I hear all of you agreeing!

Very much agree NotAlone  :yes:  I can hear how much of a struggle this all is and I am so sorry. I wish I could do more but sending along some  :hug: :hug: :hug: Would love to be there with you on the patio just listening or sitting in silence.


Jazzy - NotAlone actually said "I believe that he thinks he is being supportive", not that he is supportive. 

Thank you for the clarification Kizzie. That is an extremely important detail!

NotAlone, I apologize that my response was not better. I am overwhelmed and triggered when I write about the damage I have done to my ex wife.

Offering you a :hug:

Quote from: Jazzy on July 12, 2021, 02:10:38 AM
Yes, neglect is harder to notice than being overtly abusive, but it is just as painful and damaging, if not more so.

You deserve people in your life who love you, Notalone!

I hope you consider me one of those people, but I understand if you do not.  :hug:

<3 Niko

Quote from: Jazzy on July 12, 2021, 06:47:49 PM
Thank you for the clarification Kizzie. That is an extremely important detail!

NotAlone, I apologize that my response was not better. I am overwhelmed and triggered when I write about the damage I have done to my ex wife.

Offering you a :hug:

Jazzy, your response was full of care for me and that is what stood out. Thank you.

Quote from: Armadillo on July 12, 2021, 05:38:27 AM
:hug: Not Alone. Anxiety makes sense right now. I wonder if it helps to remind you and littles that you don't need to be adult Not Alone all the time just because of the new job. Your littles can still have their time, too. Just at work your adult will need to take the reins.

Thank you, Armadillo. Anxiety does make sense so I can be understanding and kind to myself. (Awful feeling though.  :snort:) That is somewhat true for the Littles. It is too much right now to deal with their trauma, and sometimes when they are more forward/present, that is the case. Sometimes if they are more fully present, it can be difficult for adult me to come back. If I'm doing routine life, that is manageable. For something that takes a lot of energy, focus and emotion (new job), it is really hard when they are present enough that I'm trying to take care of them and manage the situation. The other night, they held Roman (teddy bear) and that helped a bit, but I also felt Hope's (5-year-old) longing to be with T. That was hard. I think that if I knew when things were going to happen, i.e. when I need to be fully adult, it would be easier. Now I'm just waiting for a call for an appointment, so I don't know.

I read what I wrote and I don't know if it makes any sense.  :stars:

Quote from: Snowdrop on July 12, 2021, 10:15:19 AM
I know that when I've been through a stressful time, it often catches up with me afterwards. It's like I do what I must to get through things, and collapse afterwards. When I read your last post, it made me wonder whether this might be a factor for you. Just a thought.

Snowdrop, yes, that is true for me too. The other morning, I didn't wake up until fairly late, and figured the interviews and accepting the job took a lot out of me.

(I made covers for the patio chair cushions in bright colors. I love my happy, peaceful patio.)

Quote from: Kizzie on July 12, 2021, 04:21:22 PM
I can hear how much of a struggle this all is and I am so sorry. I wish I could do more but sending along some  :hug: :hug: :hug: Would love to be there with you on the patio just listening or sitting in silence.

Kizzie, Your hugs mean a lot. I wish that you could hang out on the patio with me too.  :grouphug:

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For now, I am waiting to receive a phone call from the main office of new job, to go in and fill out paperwork. The person who hired me said that people had been on vacation, so it could be awhile. If I don't hear by the end of the week, I'll contact supervisor and just let her know that I haven't received a call yet. Once I've signed papers, I'll give my current employer two weeks notice. It is possible that I could go in to the new job for a couple of days in the week before I'm done with current job and start new job full time. I don't know. Lots of unknowns and things that I have no control over. That is hard.

This morning I drew two boxes in my journal. One was labeled, "new job paperwork," and the other was labeled, "start new job." The boxes are sitting on a shelf. I'm trying to keep the boxes on the shelf until it is time to take them down. That is, until I get a phone call and an appointment to come in and fill out paperwork, there is nothing I can do. I'm trying to keep it on the shelf until I can do something. I have to keep reminding myself that those boxes are on the shelf. Leave those there until it is time. Sometimes I'm successful and sometimes the anxiety gets pretty high.

I am so incredibly grateful to have people here and other people in my life who are so supportive. It makes a HUGE difference to not feel alone.  :grouphug: :grouphug:

Wow; your boxes on the shelf strategy is wonderful! 👍

Quote from: notalone on July 12, 2021, 11:48:21 PM
the interviews and accepting the job took a lot out of me.

(I made covers for the patio chair cushions in bright colors. I love my happy, peaceful patio.)

Dear Notalone,
I am late to congratulate you on your job, but want to send these colourful fireworks to you  :fireworks:  I can completely understand that the interviews and accepting the job would take it out of you.  I am amazed that you've been able to make covers for your patio chair - that is such a skill to be able to do that - I admire that ability very much.  I am glad you're able to relax on your patio, and find peace there.  A happy, peaceful place - enjoying the lovely bright colours, it sounds really lovely. 

Anyway, I'd also like to send you a supportive hug  :hug:  plus a waveline to your littles, if you're ok with that  :waveline:  (I think one of my littles is with me in choosing that one).
Hope  :)

Quote from: notalone on July 08, 2021, 10:46:34 PM
I had another job interview today. Two hours later I received a call and was offered the job. I accepted.

:party: :fireworks: :excited: :boogie: :yahoo:

Way to go, notalone!

Your priorities in your job: insurance to cover therapist and least stressful - those would be mine as well  :hug: :hug:

I love the "boxes on a shelf" concept! But then, my planner/journal/second brain is a bullet journal, where you tick things off with boxes. I like lists and feeling like I can see if I did something, and that certainly sounds like what I do in my Bujo. :)

Yay NotAlone! After seeing Blueberry's post I want to party!  :cheer:

I was just thinking of you, Notalone, and thought I'd send you a hug. :grouphug:

 :grouphug:

sorry it's been so long, but i see a celebration is in store and i want in!  i finally have enough energy (at least today) to let you know i'm so very glad for you and your new job.  i hope everything goes as smoothly as possible and you feel good there, validated and supported.

meanwhile, bring on the cake!   :cake: :party: :yourock:

keep up all the great work you're doing.  hopefully, i'll be able to be back here more often.  sending love and a hug filled with good wishes for your future! :hug:

notalone,

sending you support and good wishes for the onboarding. It's a major transition and lots of things to navigate which can be exhausting. :zzz:  I hope you are staying afloat.

Thank you, everyone, for your support, encouraging words and celebration.

I have been thinking of all of you. I'm looking forward to catching up with everyone, but for the last couple of weeks all I've been able to do is work and deal with present life situations.

I've been at my new job for 2+ weeks. Working full time is a big change for me and is exhausting. It seems that the job will be a good fit for me and relatively non-stressful. The staff are nice. I like the person with whom I work the most closely, and I really like my supervisor. The cPTSD comes into play (of course). Not knowing things (because I'm learning a new job) is very triggering to me. There have been times where after I got home, I was curled on my bed saying/feeling "I can't, I can't." I'm guessing that I was in a triggered state. There also have been times when I felt left out. It wasn't that anyone was being insensitive or rude; they were just dealing with work that didn't include me. My feelings hook into being a rejected child.

Yesterday the director of my program, the person with whom I work the most closely, was showing me something and then said that she was going to stop mircromanaging (in that situation). I told her that one of the things that I appreciated about her was that she didn't micromanage. She said that she didn't do that with people she trusted. That felt good because I feel so much like I don't know what I'm doing. The feelings of not knowing what I'm doing, and the panic that goes with that, are huge. That has always been the case, but in a new job all of that is exemplified. I keep trying to tell myself that it is new and I'm learning. It is okay not to know everything. It is okay to ask questions and to need something explained or shown to me more than once.  Sometimes the panic still comes. 

Notalone, I am grateful for your update.  Best wishes as you continue to navigate working full time. 

I've been thinking of you, Notalone, and hoping you're okay.

It's a huge change. I'm not surprised it's exhausting. I think it would be for anyone, and as you say, there's cptsd on top of that. Asking questions is good. It shows you're willing to learn.

I'm glad the staff are nice, and there are people there you like.

:grouphug:

 :hug:

I've been at my full time job for 4 weeks. Still some of the same issues for me: tiredness, feeling like I don't know what I'm doing (this is lessening some), feeling left out (those feelings are pretty big). Pretty overwhelmed with work and family.

I feel like my therapy is on hold as I focus on navigating these life-changes. I'm still seeing therapist, but feel like I can't dive into my trauma because I need to be able to function and go to work the next day.

Notalone, I am thinking of you.  I experience similar feelings when working - it is overwhelming and exhausting a lot more than not especially when we need to "reserve" energy for the day.  I hope that you continue to find balance and what works for you.

Hi Notalone,

You've had a lot on your plate, regarding starting your new job, and coping with the changes involved in that, and balancing everything, and I just wanted to say that I am impressed that you've managed to do that, and I hope that things will become easier as you get settled even more into your new routines.  Hopefully there will be more space for your therapy in time as well, and it's good that you've still got your therapist alongside.

Sending you a supportive hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

hey, notalone,

i get it about putting therapy to the side in order to have the necessary energy for other things.  the amount of change that goes along with a new job can be overwhelming on its own.  i'm glad you are still talking with your T - i've found that just being able to chat with mine during those times helps keep me a bit more stabilized.  when you're ready, you can get back to the harder work on yourself.  best of everything as you navigate these waters.  love and hugs

QuoteI feel like my therapy is on hold as I focus on navigating these life-changes. I'm still seeing therapist, but feel like I can't dive into my trauma because I need to be able to function and go to work the next day.

I can relate to this a lot. :grouphug:

For the most part I haven't been on OOTS for the last 2-3 months. That wasn't intentional, but the overwhelming stress of working full time and a new job, along with other family/life events has been consuming. I was glad to read a little bit today in some of my friends' posts. I have a lot of catching up to do, but need to be careful not to get overwhelmed. I missed my OOTS friends.

Hi Notalone, I am grateful for your update and am glad you are back. 

notalone, Very happy to see you here again. Energy needs rationing in times of new "anything."

Hi Not Alone. It would be such a difficult adjustment to start working fulltime..exhausting stressful and overwhelming. I'm glad you stopped in to say hi.

notalone, glad yiou're back.  missed you, too.

i'm glad you stepped away for a bit in order to ration your energy.  a new full-time job can be overwhelming in itself.  keep taking care of you.  love and hugs :hug:

Thanks everyone.

I've missed you, NotAlone. You've been in my thoughts. :grouphug:

It's nice to see you back Not Alone :heythere:  :hug:

Thank you, Snowdrop and Blueberry.

I've been pretty down lately. Don't want to go into all the details now. Anyway, I am sitting in the patio, listening to the rain and the cat is curled up on my lap. (She did protest with a meow when I sneezed.  ;D ) It doesn't make it all better, but it does bring some comfort.

I adore your cat's indignation at your sneeze.

I'm sorry you are feeling down.

Hug? Or flowers? If you want them...






🌼🌼🌼

:hug:

 :bighug:

Dear Notalone,
I have missed you, and I'm glad to see you back in the forum again.  I know you've been and are sad at the moment, and I am glad that your cat is bringing you some comfort.  I would also like to send you a hug of friendship and care  :hug:  if you want to have one.

Hope  :)

Thanks, Armee. I accept the hugs and flowers. Hugging you back.  :hug:
:hug: for you, San.
Hope, thank you. I have miss you too. I always appreciate your caring hugs.  :hug:



There's so much going on, but when I start to write, it feels like too much to put in writing. Maybe I'll just write bullet points.

*Therapist owned his responsibility in something that was hurtful to me. Repair in relationship is happening.
*New detail (memory) in area of abuse.
*Emptiness in marriage is really loud and painful today.

Notalone, your post especially resonates right now.  I appreciate the list you made and that you put some thoughts out there.  I will be thinking of you as navigate these things.

 :hug:

I'm sorry you were hurt by something with your therapist. It happens but it can be very painful.

Sending you some support to get through the loud tough days of a disconnected lonely marriage. That must be really really sad feeling. Also sending support for the new memory detail.

Thank you, Rainydiary. I'm grateful for your support.

Armee, I appreciate your support. Yes, it is painful when hurt by therapist. He is being really honest about what happened in him and is taking responsibility for his part. That is so new and unknown to me that I hardly know what to do with that. I'm used to everything being put on me.


I had signed up to bring a treat to work this month. I forgot what day and I didn't put it on my calendar. I am somewhat in the "falling place" about it. I guess that means the "I'm a failure/incompetent road." I couldn't find the information online. I ignored the "I SHOULD know" and texted a co-worker and asked her. Such a minor thing, but it becomes so big and such a struggle to keep my head above the water and not go under. (While typing this, my co-worker responded and told me the day. Zero condemnation from her.)

Minor things feel so big to us because minor things were big deals in our families. We expect to be hated and punished and hurt for minor mistakes. I hope your coworkers continue to be positive toward you as they have been.

Quote from: Armee on October 17, 2021, 08:27:55 PM
Minor things feel so big to us because minor things were big deals in our families.

Yes, that is for sure. Sometimes something minor had major consequences.  :'(

 :hug:

What Armee writes makes so much sense, though I don't think I would have come up with that in so many words myself, so it's good you did, Armee ;)

notalone, I also want to say  :cheer: on contacting a colleague despite all that ICr / FOO stuff in your mind/feelings and I'm so glad that your colleague didn't condemn you in any way. Your forgetting was a minor thing, but I so understand the fear that it isn't and the fear of going under. I haven't really been following your Journal since you started work, but at least in this instance it sounds as if your new place isn't totally toxic and I am very happy for you!  :hug:

Not Alone wanted to talk to the people who wrote here and other places. I can't do it. maybe she will later.


this is . . . I can't tell you my name because it tells what they made me do. I will tell you my age. my age is 6-10. i guess i am 6 and 7 and 8 and 9 and 10. I don't know how we got home from session. i guess not alone drived. i ate icecream for dinner. later NA made me toast with peanut butter and a glass of milk.

i didn't want to leave my therapist. his face and his voice are kind. its funny because he did something that really hurt me. he was sorry. i could tell he was really sorry. there's more i could say, but that's talking about him and i don't think that would be fair. maybe because he was really honest with me and took sponisbility and didn't blame me at all that i trust him, maybe more than before. that's confusing.

he (my therapist) makes me really confused. he says im not bad. i don't even know how he can look at me.

today i was crying. he asked what i was feeling then he said it was okay if i didn't know. i could just feel what i was feeling. I just want to be with him. its hard not to be with him. i am trying to remember the look of compassion on his face.

i think i keep writing because i don't want to be alone. being alone is bad. hurts.

FROM: The Girl Who Is 6-10 (Not really my name, but I already explained why I can't tell my name)

Hi, Girl who is 6-10 but has another name. And hi Not Alone. I hear what you are saying and wish such hurtful things never happened. You didn't deserve it. You are not bad. You are not bad. Bad people hurt other people. We did not hurt anyone but we feel like we are bad. We should not be ashamed. I'm sorry you are hurt and feel bad. Confusion makes sense right now. You feel like a bad person and then someone hurt you and then they were compassionate and you want more of the compassion. It is very confusing. I feel the same way a lot. It's ok. We are here with you and you are not alone. We've got you.

 :hug:

Armee, 6-10 year old read your post last night. It was too difficult for her to reply, but your words, "We are here with you and you are not alone," mean a lot. San, thank you for the hug. It was felt.

I want to read more of others' posts and write more, but between work and other commitments, it has be an over 12-hour day. I am really tired.

Not Alone, I hope you have been able to find some rest and easeful ways to be. 

Thanks, Rainydiary.  The rest of the week had less commitments.

For the first 2 1/2 months of working full time, I could only deal with the STRESS of a new job and also other major life activities. Now that things have settled, I am back to dealing directly with trauma in therapy. It will take some time to know how to balance dealing with trauma, taking care of my Littles, work, family, household tasks, church, etc. I'm trying not to listen to the messages in my head of "you should. . ." or "other people. . ." Kindness. How do I navigate this new season with kindness to myself?

It's such an important question...how do i navigate this with kindness to myself? That's really a big shift to ask that instead of the other questions we usually ask ourselves....why can't I just? What's wrong with me? Etc. I think just shifting to asking that question is possibly even more important than knowing the answer. So:  :applause: :cheer:

It seems smart to have taken a break from processing trauma as you transitioned and I hope that slowly you can balance all those things so you can keep healing. You deserve that.

Armee, I'm grateful for your understanding and caring words.

Quote from: Armee on October 23, 2021, 04:11:37 PM
I think just shifting to asking that question is possibly even more important than knowing the answer.

That is a really good point and helps me to focus more on kindness than on how. The "why can't I just? What's wrong with me?" only lead me to the chasm; those questions don't lead me down a safe, healthy path.

Even as I wrote the above, I started feeling guilty and condemnation for spending so much time on OOTS. So, to self: It was good for you to take the time this morning and be on OOTS. Relationships are more important to you than laundry or a clean floor. Also, it is good for you to have support.

I very much needed to hear your response in my recovery journal, so if nothing else, you helped a fellow human being feel better this morning  :bighug:

Quote from: owl25 on October 23, 2021, 09:32:30 PM
I very much needed to hear your response in my recovery journal, so if nothing else, you helped a fellow human being feel better this morning  :bighug:

Thank you, Owl.  :bighug: back to you.

Quote from: Not Alone on October 17, 2021, 02:54:01 AM
*Emptiness in marriage is really loud and painful today.

Continuing to feel the loneliness of my marriage. Maybe it is even more intense now because the Little who has been talking in therapy, was very, very alone in horrible situations.

I started writing about something that happened with H tonight, but deleted it all. Bottom line: I cannot endure living with someone who is so incredibly avoidant. Our relationship is empty and shallow. It makes me want to scream.

Being with someone who is not there is worse than being alone. Especially when you are going through something you need support for. I'm sorry you are alone at home. Screaming seems appropriate. I'm sorry what your little went through and is reliving now. That's really hard.

Thanks, Armee. It does feel awful living with a husband who is physically there but not emotionally or conversationally there. If I was alone, I could be myself.

The 6-10 year old is having a lot of new flashbacks. Going through the usual brain gymnastics of "It's not true. It can't me true." These pictures (memories) show up in my brain as I'm doing life. It's like doing normal life things, but a horror movie is played at random times. No one else is seeing the horror movie, only me.

I'm so sorry. All I can offer is that you treat yourself with care as these awful awful flashbacks come up. I hope they tell you what they need to tell you and then go away soon.

 :grouphug:

Thank you, Armee & Owl. Your support means a lot.

This afternoon I got to the point of "I can't." I locked my door and laid on my bed. I dozed off and on for awhile. It helped take the edge off. Right now I'm at the point where overwhelmed hits me like a wind passing by. Then I'm somewhat okay. If the overwhelmed gets too big I'm going to take some meds to keep it at bay. I'm going to read for awhile. If that doesn't help, I'll T.V. binge, although I do so much of that; I'm getting tired of it.

HI Not alone,  I hope tomorrow is a great day for you,  you deserve it.

Carrying trauma takes up so much energy. Keep it contained and at bay takes a lot, and when it comes to the surface it takes a lot as well. I hope you were able to give yourself permission to rest and managed to get some.  :hug:

Whatever you need to do as long as you are safe, you have permission to do. I hope work takes your mind away from the part that holds flashbacks tomorrow.

Hi Notalone,

I just tried to write something that I thought made some sense, but it didn't - the words got jumbled.  So I'll just send you a hug, if that's ok  :hug:  I found your description of the 'wind of overwhelm' (or similar words) to be very powerful.  I hope you are able to negotiate your way through that safely.
Hope  :)

Larry, Owl, Armee, Hope, thank you so much. Your care and kindness are a comfort to me.

Work was fine today. Adult me was very present. Tomorrow, work and then I see therapist. 

 :cheer:

Quote from: Not Alone on October 24, 2021, 07:06:35 PM
The 6-10 year old is having a lot of new flashbacks. Going through the usual brain gymnastics of "It's not true. It can't me true." These pictures (memories) show up in my brain as I'm doing life. It's like doing normal life things, but a horror movie is played at random times. No one else is seeing the horror movie, only me.

Told T some of the flashbacks. I remember what I told him, but I mostly remember sitting on the floor and I couldn't look at him. Too much shame. I remember his voice was gentle. When he said it was five minutes left, I couldn't talk or move. For a long time it was quiet. Then he said something. Somehow I managed to move and get home. Right now it is hard for me to move too. I wish there was something that made me feel better.
from 6-10 year old

It's good you were able to tell T some of them. I know a little bit how you feel. Just try to hang onto that feeling of gentleness and care as much as you can. I know it is hard because it makes us crave more of it but can't get it soon enough. But try to keep that feeling and use it as insulation against the feelings from the flashbacks.

 :hug:

Quote from: Armee on October 30, 2021, 03:35:11 AM
Just try to hang onto that feeling of gentleness and care as much as you can. I know it is hard because it makes us crave more of it but can't get it soon enough. But try to keep that feeling and use it as insulation against the feelings from the flashbacks.

Trying to do that.  :hug:

San,  :hug:

i agree with armee, hoping you can hang onto as much care and gentleness for yourself as possible.  6-10 yrs old is such a powerful time in a person's life.  it's the beginning of becoming one's own person with one's own thoughts and perspective.  dear little one, i'm sorry you're carrying all that shame on your shoulders.  i hope you will soon know that shame belongs to the others in your life who didn't care for you the way you needed.  sending you some love and a gentle hug filled with whatever makes you smile. :hug:

Thank you, San. I can always feel your care.  :grouphug:


This weekend I invited my H to a church event. We go to different churches. I have not been including him on much of anything in my life. He is so emotionally empty. I have stopped making effort in our marriage. He accepted my invitation and attended.

I realized that, unlike the past, I did not feel a responsibility to "take care" of him; i.e. make sure he felt comfortable, etc. I introduced him to people, but I was busy helping with the event. Also, unlike the past, I didn't take something he did, that I thought was poor social behavior, as a reflection on me. (Well, maybe a little. . .) But later I didn't point out his behavior with hope for him to change. In 25+ years, it hasn't mattered what I said regarding his manners or social behavior.

At the event, I was doing the dishes and one of the men put his arm on my back and reached around me to rinse something off. I don't think that his action meant anything at all. In fact, the next day in the church service, he was standing with his wife and they were praying for a woman and he had his arm on her. Anyway, I really felt his arm. It made me realize how touch deprived I am. My H kisses me good-bye. There is very little touch. Very little. I am starving for touch. Glad I have friends to hug.

Despite distancing myself from my H and his relational avoidance, my anger at him is really big. I find myself being disdainful and bitter. I don't like that in myself.

i don't like those feelings in myself, either, notalone, yet, for some people, they are there nonetheless.  don't know for sure if they'll ever go away.

i totally relate to feeling touch deprived, made a lot of not so smart decisions in my life in order to get what i craved.  it's a terrible feeling.  i'm just glad you've got good friends to hug.  i'm sad for you that your relationship is not what you wish it to be.  that just sucks.  sending love and wish i could give you a real hug. :hug:

Thanks, San. I can emotionally feel your hug.  :hug:

Feeling a little bit vulnerable right now. With working full time, my Littles do not have the time and care that I used to be able to give to them. That is hard. Today I worked and in an hour I leave for a meeting.

Last night in therapy, 6-10 year old shared another flashback with T. It's all so hard. Grateful for someone who listens, believes, and cares.

I am glad you have your T who is there to listen, care, and believe. 6 - 10 year old is not alone.  :bighug:

Thank you, Owl.

I'm having a "be myself" morning (and hopefully afternoon). No one is home. I'm still in my pajamas. I'm spending some time online, doing laundry, getting some cleaning done, drinking coffee. Interesting that even if H and S were home, if I was still in my PJs, I don't think either would say anything. I just don't feel the freedom to be myself when they are here, especially H.

Not Alone, I hope your alone time was/is restorative.  I feel the same - there is something different about being alone versus with others in how I feel. 

i agree with rainy.  alone time is special.  love and hugs :hug:

I definitely relate to that feeling of getting to feel like yourself while alone, even if you'd be doing the same alone.

thinking of you, notalone.  hope you're okay after your 'me' day.  love and hugs :hug:

I have an appointment tomorrow morning. Can't find the paper that I need for the appointment. Looked through 3 bags of garbage. Had to cancel. Now I can't get another appointment for another week. Plus I'll miss even more work because it's a later appointment. Feel beyond frustrated. Sliding down the tunnel. And it's late. And I have to get up and go to work tomorrow. And I can't. I can't.

 :hug:

However dark it feels now in your tunnel remember that the tunnel ends eventually and you get released back into the light. Perhaps it is ok to call in sick tomorrow? I'm not sure if you have sick leave. But it sounds like a day off would be good for you. Somedays people just can't and they need to just not.

But if you do need to go to work tomorrow I often find once I get started it feels ok to be there, so I'll wish the same for you.

You've been going through a lot lately. Be gentle with yourself if you are able to.

Hi Not Alone,
I'm sorry that you've had that experience today, it sounds really stressful.   :hug: (if that's helpful to you at some point today) - I also feel like this emoticon  :pissed: is relevant too for the frustration of not being able to find that paperwork.  I also wondered if the people whose appointment you were attending absolutely had to have paperwork - but I guess they do, otherwise you'd not have to search so hard to find it, and you'd not have to re-schedule the appointment.  Not a nice situation. 
Hope  :)

Thanks Armee & Hope. I have to leave for work soon, so won't be long in my response. I will carry your support with me. I'm not sliding down the tunnel anymore, just feeling down. Besides the distress of having to wait for a needed appointment, loosing things is highly triggering for me.  :'(

I'm here. I wish I could comfort the triggered parts. Losing things is distressing to anyone and adding in triggers and a missed appointment on top of that...the tunnel must have felt dark indeed.

 :grouphug:

Thanks Armee & Snowdrop.

I talked to someone at work about the situation (not the crazy feelings). She helped me with how to have the appointment today and work around the missing paperwork. Something that should have taken 10 minutes took over an hour, but the appointment is done. Long day.

Not Alone, I hope you find something that helps you feel nourished after your long day.

Thank you Rainy Diary. I've been sitting on my bed, on the computer for a couple of hours. Almost the entire time our kitten (now a cat, I guess, since she is one year old), has been on my lap. That is very nurturing and renewing. Good to connect a bit on OOTS too. It's a lot harder now that I'm working full time.

Not Alone, it's great you managed to find somebody at work you felt comfortable talking to who then helped you with the situation. Good job!  :cheer:

I'm so glad your cat is nurturing you and that you found support here on OOTS too.  :hug: :hug:

so glad you got help with your situation, notalone, and that everything ended up being taken care of for you, including the appt.  well done!

by the by, losing things and having that mess up something which was important to me is very stressful to me as well.  i could totally relate to what you went thru.

working full time now is quite a big change.  please, be easy with yourself, ok?  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you, Blueberry and San.  :grouphug:

Another Little came to session today. (By that I mean it wasn't the 6-10 year old who has been coming recently.) Therapist gave a suggestion on how to comfort her. I am doing that now. Even though sharing the method of comfort would not reveal much of anything, it doesn't feel safe to say. Somehow it feels like the bad people (who in all likelihood are long dead) or some other bad person, would use the information to harm her. I need to stop writing now.

Hi. Feeling safe is tough.

I'm glad you have a way of comforting her, Not Alone. She is precious. :grouphug:

Thank you Armee & Snowdrop.

I'm home after a 13 hour day.  :blink: Last night was tough. After I posted here, I started to watch a penguin documentary. I figured it was safe. I feel asleep. Then I was listening to something on YouTube. I fell asleep again. I just couldn't stay awake. I gave up and went to bed. I woke up throughout the night, but then fell back asleep. I probably got around 10 hours of sleep.

This morning I had to do some preparations that I had planned on doing last night. Everything seemed difficult and little bumps in the morning felt like huge hills. I managed to get to work on time. The rest of the day was okay, although I had two things after work, so it was a long day.

I need hugs.

I can give lots of hugs.


:grouphug:

:hug:

:bighug:

That's a long day. Treat yourself kindly today and tomorrow.

((((((((((((((((Not Alone))))))))))))))))))

 :grouphug: :grouphug:
A 13 hour day is very long. I hope you can be gentle with yourself.
:grouphug:

not a problem.  hugs it is.   :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

:bighug: :bighug:

i echo the others - gentle and kind and caring to you, please.  also sending love and an extra hug for good measure :hug:

 :grouphug:

I felt every one of those hugs and it put a smile on my face. Thank you everyone.  :grouphug:

I just wrote things and pressed some button and it all disappeared.  :doh:  I might be in a triggered state (EF), or at least partly. It feels like there are different situations swimming around in my head.  :sharkbait: I want to feel safe. I'm not safe. I guess I am safe, but I don't feel safe. I think that some of the Littles are nearby too. I just need to curl up on the floor with a blanket. Lock the door so H doesn't come in.

 :hug:

Take your time and be alone if that is what you need. It does sound like you are in a flashback. Take care of you and Littles.

Thank you, Armee. I did lay on the floor for awhile then on the bed and listened to music.

Still not doing well. Feel deep sadness. And guilt. Not up to all I need to do today including a meeting. I do have therapy later. Glad for that, but it feels discouraging too. One hour a week isn't enough.

It isn't enough at all, 1 hr a week. I more often have 1.5-2 hrs and that isn't enough either. Its sad. What happens to people and when the harm is done by those close to us there's no help. It comes down to what we can afford and tolerate when we finally realize how bad we need help.

I'll be with you in spirit today when you need someone to understand how badly you hurt, how guilty and ashamed you feel, how nothing you've done makes you deserve to feel those things and I'll be sitting here shaking in anger at what people did to you.

Thank you for being with me, Armee. It means a lot.

I care about you, Not Alone. :grouphug:

I care about you too, Snowdrop.  :grouphug:


My H and I had a meeting with our financial advisor. I was nervous about it because at our last meeting my H and I saw and interpreted things very differently. My H used that meeting to further open the door to his retirement, which has forced me into a position of having to get a full time job so that I have insurance. That whole issue has been so stressful to me, I even have physical consequences from it.

The meeting went okay. Internally, I felt some of the pain from those many awful months of the weight of his retirement looming over me. Also, the advisor sees us as this nice couple. In reality, we are barely married. In my heart, I am almost emotionally divorced from H. To be talking like everything is okay is crazy-making to me.

Interesting, toward the end of the meeting, the advisor said that he hadn't heard from me on what my hopes and dreams for the future are. I just said that I was getting by one day at a time. That he even noticed and thought of me caught me off guard.

I was hoping that once this meeting was over, the stress and grief that I'm feeling would lessen. Not so. I leave in an hour to see therapist. Glad for that, but afraid that I won't experience any relief.

Not Alone, thank you for sharing this update.  I am glad the advisor gave you space to share.  I can also relate to the feeling of being surprised to be asked.  I hope that you find some ease and comfort.

Quote from: rainydiary on November 23, 2021, 11:30:49 PM
I am glad the advisor gave you space to share.  I can also relate to the feeling of being surprised to be asked.  I hope that you find some ease and comfort.

Being surprised that he asked is probably a reflection on how much I'm not asked in my marriage. More than not asked, H doesn't discuss things with me. There's very little back and forth.
I do feel some relief from seeing T. Thanks, Rainydiary.

Quote from: Armee on November 23, 2021, 03:24:48 PM
It isn't enough at all, 1 hr a week.

I didn't mention "once a week," during my session; and still, at the end of my session my T said he thought it would be beneficial if we could find times in the schedule when I could see him twice a week. I don't know how much that can happen. He has limited availability and I am much more limited now that I'm working full time. Hopefully, there will be weeks when I can see him twice. It really encouraged me when he said that. I guess I felt seen and also heard. I think that several of the Littles felt seen and that their needs and memories are important.

Quote from: Not AloneIt really encouraged me when he said that. I guess I felt seen and also heard. I think that several of the Littles felt seen and that their needs and memories are important.

I really felt this strongly. I'm not sure how to describe how or why. Just it went straight to my heart physically. I hope you can make that happen some. You deserve that extra support.

Quote from: Not Alone on November 24, 2021, 02:48:05 AM
I didn't mention "once a week," during my session; and still, at the end of my session my T said he thought it would be beneficial if we could find times in the schedule when I could see him twice a week.

You didn't mention it verbally but maybe in other ways that your T clued in on. Yay for you :cheer: I hope it works out twice a week at least sometimes.

I agree with you and Armee that once a week is definitely not enough. That's mostly what I have had too but in times when everything became too much I went in-patient. I know that's not an option if you're working and not an option for many other reasons such as lack of availability in many countries, but it does show that once a week was plainly not enough for me.

hey, notalone,

i'm also in the 2x/week group, have been for 2 yrs.  it's helped tremendously, even if i'm not actually processing something, it's helped me stay stable.  would phone sessions be helpful for the added session?  my T and i have been working over the phone since the pandemic began, and i've still gotten a lot out of it.

i'm very sorry your marriage isn't all you want or all it could be.  it's stressful to live like that, stressful to keep up the facade.  i wish it could be better.  i'm also glad for you that the investment mgr. took time out for you.  at times, i've also been surprised when someone has done that for me. 

one foot, then the other foot.  you're continuing to make progress.  love and hugs :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 24, 2021, 03:21:43 PMi'm very sorry your marriage isn't all you want or all it could be.  it's stressful to live like that, stressful to keep up the facade.  i wish it could be better.  i'm also glad for you that the investment mgr. took time out for you.

I agree with San. I'd find it so frustrating.

It sounds as though your T has recognised your needs without you having to vocalise them. I'm glad you felt seen and heard.
:grouphug:

Quote from: Armee on November 24, 2021, 06:01:53 AM
Just it went straight to my heart physically. I hope you can make that happen some. You deserve that extra support.

That touches my heart, Armee.  :hug:

Thanks, Blueberry. It feels good to have my needs seen.

San,

Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 24, 2021, 03:21:43 PM
i'm very sorry your marriage isn't all you want or all it could be.  it's stressful to live like that, stressful to keep up the facade.  i wish it could be better.

I feel your compassion, San. Keeping up the facade is highly stressful.

I don't think a phone session would work. It would only make one hour difference (i.e. my commute time). When I had to do teletherapy during lockdown, it was hugely distressing to me. Phone might be better, but I think it would still be really hard for me and especially the Littles.

Thank you, Snowdrop.  :grouphug:

Hi Notalone,
:hug: 
Hope  :)

Thank you for the hug, Hope.  :hug:


I hurt my back last week. My H hasn't said anything; hasn't asked how it is or offered to help with things. That is not a surprise. He avoids emotional and physical pain. Today I emailed co-workers and told them that I hurt my back and that there were some tasks that I wouldn't be able to do this week. Everyone has helped with those tasks and several people asked how I was and offered sympathy. I realize that I was feeling a little bit of guilt for telling them about my back. In the past my H has called tears a manipulation. I might have internalized his messages/accusations that sharing pain (emotional or physical) is not okay.

%$#*&@#$ to you H! Sharing pain and getting support is part of being in community.

I've had two nightmares this week about something that terrifies me. I don't have abuse memories about that thing. I am a little afraid of going to sleep and having another nightmare. I'm also afraid of knowing where that fear stems from.



I had an interaction with a new Little last week. I want to tell T what I saw. I'm afraid he won't believe me. I'm afraid he will believe me.

I just want to wrap you up in a safe supportive hug.  :hug:

You do deserve to be helped, supported, and cared about. I am sad you do not have anything close to that from your husband.  You deserve better. I am glad you can feel that anger for a long string of curse words.

I hope you can sleep. I hope the nightmares do not return and your brain finds a less disruptive way of letting you know. If they do come back maybe it helps to picture us there with you, wrapping you up in a blanket, fixing you tea, and reminding you that here and now you are safe.

Quote from: Not Alone on November 30, 2021, 03:51:38 AM
I want to tell T what I saw. I'm afraid he won't believe me. I'm afraid he will believe me.

I get this. I really do. Telling him will feel better than not, even if it increases the distress at first. Get it out of you.

Back pain is horrid. I hope you feel better soon, Not Alone. Your H's (lack of) reaction makes me feel :blowup: on your behalf.

Well done for emailing your co-workers. You're right, sharing pain and getting support is part of being in community. I'm glad they were so supportive.

Care and compassion to you and the new Little.
:grouphug:

Not Alone, I hope that your back pain eases soon.  I think it is amazing you reached out to colleagues and that they responded with support - I agree that it is part of being in community.  I find it so hard to get to that place of trust with others and I'm glad that had a positive outcome.  I feel deeply in heart your H's lack of responsiveness to your needs.  I can also relate to not wanting to sleep because of dreams/nightmares.  I hope you find some ease soon. 

Armee and Snowdrop, I read your responses before I left for work. I didn't have time to respond, but your empathy was a comfort to me.

Rainydiary, Thank you for your care and understanding. I thought of you in the work situation. I felt sad that your coworkers were the opposite of helpful and caring.  :hug:

Update on my back: It is improving quite a bit. I'm being very careful. I've seen the chiropractor twice and have another appointment Monday. (Not surprising, still no words about it from my AVOIDANT husband.)

I told T the new memory. He believed me. It is hard for me to believe that he does believe me. He said that sometimes that takes time. I really felt his compassion. I felt like he was very present with me, it that makes sense.

Hi Not Alone,
I'm sorry to hear you've been having back pain, and I really hope that you get some helpful treatment from your chiropractor. 

I'm glad that your T believed you and that you felt his compassion.  Feeling him being present with you, it does make sense. 

Sending you a gentle hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

It makes perfect sense and I feel so comforted the days that I feel my T is very very present.

I'm glad your back is feeling better and that you are at a point when you can share these memories with T so you can be believed. You deserve to have someone help you with them.

:bighug:

Well done for telling T the new memory. I'm glad he was present with you, heard you and believed you.

Good news about your back being on the mend as well. :grouphug:

Thank you, Hope, Armee, Bach, & Snowdrop.     :bighug:


My T wasn't able to meet in person today. He asked about doing a telehealth session. I didn't have much time to process this because I didn't see the message until I left work. When we did do telehealth during the quarantine, it was extremely distressing to me. I asked him if we could do a phone session. That is what we did. I feel good that I took care of myself by still having the session and by not doing triggering telehealth.

My eating/binging has been out of control. I'm feeling so much fear and feeling so needy. I'm grasping for comfort.

I tried reading others' posts. I just can't focus right now.

Yesterday when I went to an appointment, I was triggered by something in the room. I didn't have direct memories; I quickly pushed everything away. I think I've been pretty impacted by the trigger. Now I fear more new memories.

I won't see T for two weeks. That feels scary. I feel like  :sadno: that I need him so much. Looser.

Not Alone, I appreciate you sharing about your experiences.  I am sorry to hear about the trigger and the emotions coming up from it.  I resonated when you talked about grasping for comfort as I see that in myself right now especially with eating.  I also resonated with the emotion coming up at not being able to see or meet with a person that offers connection as your T does.  I hope that your nervous system settles a bit and that you feel continue to feel good for taking care of your needs and building relationships with people that nourish you. 

Not a loser.  :grouphug:

I know you wouldn't call me a loser for barely being able to make it two days when I'm triggered without contact with T.

I'm sorry he's gone. You need his empathy and understanding right now.

I'm sorry about the trigger. Take care ok?

Thank you RainyDiary. I appreciate your understanding.

Armee, you're right, I would never call you or anyone else "loser." I do need his (T's) empathy now, but that is always the case.


I've had a pretty good day. Right now I'm feeling shaken. I don't know why. Overwhelmed.

I know that feeling of being shaken and overwhelmed. I hope it passes soon. If it helps, I will fetch you a hot drink and put a soft blanket round your shoulders.
:grouphug:

Thank you, Snowdrop. I will do that for myself later today and thing of you doing that for me. As I write that I have tears in my eyes as I feel your care.  :hug:

I'm feeling better this morning. Some of what I felt last night might have been caused by sitting near my H. I'm not sure. He is not home right now so I feel a measure of peace, although he will be home soon. If anyone were to look into our house they would see a place of peace and would not understand why I have distress. It stems from his avoidance. As a child, I had to act like everything is okay. I feel that same pressure, even though I don't always act okay and my H hasn't directly said to act okay. The few times he's stated his feelings, he has expressed that he wants this (c-PTSD/dealing with my trauma) to be over. I feel that pressure.

"The Avoidant Partner can and will prevent the development of a real life-giving marriage. They nurture the appearance but deny the love reality of marriage. To the undiscerning their home is so very peaceful. In the spirit the home is the tomb/womb of the avoidant. It is a hiding place, a retreat, and the peace is not life-giving to the inhabitants. To the visitor all is well. From the outside all is well. Ill health and death linger in the halls where love has not been allowed to settle. "

https://www.christian-marriage-counselling.com/avoidant-personality-and-marriage.html

I had to act like everything was ok as a child too.

Healing from trauma takes as long as it takes, and it's certainly not a linear, straightforward process. You are healing at the pace that's right for you.
:grouphug:

I wish your husband was the kind who brought comfort. You deserve to have a partner who is there emotionally.  :grouphug:

Snowdrop, Having to pretend everything was okay added to the trauma and to the crazy feelings. My H has expressed looking for the finish line for my trauma journey. It isn't linear and I believe that for me it will be a life-long journey.

Armee, thank you. It is painful to have a H who is mostly unavailable emotionally. I spent decades trying to create intimacy in our relationship. Now I know that H is incapable of deep relationship. As painful as that is, it is less painful than having the door slammed (metaphorically) in my face over and over. Now I am trying to know how to navigate the relationship. I am blessed to have others in my life who bring me comfort, including you and others on OOTS as well as others in my life. (To be honest and fair, there have been some times when my H showed me genuine care.)



Today was a pretty good day. I enjoyed church, got my shopping done, visited with my daughter and watched Christmas movies. I feel fairly prepared for the work week and not too anxious.

Not Alone, I'm glad your day was nourishing.  I hope this week goes as smoothly as possible for you. 

Thank you, Rainy Diary.

A house not far from me has a fairly extensive, drive-through Christmas display. I drove my Littles through it tonight. They delighted in the decorations.

I love this and am glad you did it for all parts of yourself.

That's wonderful. :grouphug:

Hearing how you and your littles delighted in the Christmas decorations has warmed my heart today - and my Littles are excited about it.  It's wonderful. 
Hope  :)

 :grouphug: Rainy Diary, Snowdrop, & Hope. I wish I could take you with me to see the Christmas lights.


Tomorrow I volunteered at work to take over a task for 30 minutes. It is not a big deal, but I have some anxiety about it. Trying to keep the "shoulds" away also. ("I should be able to handle it. You shouldn't be anxious about this." etc.)

Thursday is the staff holiday party for work. I think it will be pretty low key. It is at someone's house and most people are coming on their own, not bringing a spouse. I've never felt comfortable in those situations although I think that I fake it pretty well.

I normally have a therapy session tonight, but T is out of town. I think that parts of me are feeling a little abandoned.

 :hug:

Hi 🙂

I feel uncomfortable at those types of events too. And awkward. I hope you find a few nice people to connect with.

I hate it when my T is gone and get really scared he is going to die and I won't know if he is ok or not. I even feel desperately clingy the first couple days after a session even if he isn't gone and even though I barely connect with him while I am there. Mines also gone next week, and was gone last week.

Silly trauma reactions. 🤪

Good luck with your work task tomorrow. Makes sense to me to be anxious, though I also believe you'll do a good job and it'll be ok.

Regarding work task, at work today, one of my co-workers said, "good-luck," in a "you're going to need it" tone. She later apologized and said she shouldn't have said it. It did make me feel like if things went badly, it wasn't all on me. The situation could be challenging. (I told her that.) It did increase my anxiety a little bit. (I didn't tell her that.) The situation went well, at least from what I could tell. Also, no moments of panic or big self-doubt on my part, so glad about that.

Quote from: Armee on December 15, 2021, 05:01:26 AM
I hate it when my T is gone and get really scared he is going to die and I won't know if he is ok or not.

:yeahthat:  Me too.

Work party went okay. I didn't feel like I belonged, but I didn't feel left out either. Felt mostly okay being there. I wonder if others there had some discomfort being in a social situation with those with whom they work.

Daughter has tested positive for covid. She's been sick. I'm worried, but not frantic.

Not Alone, I'm glad you made it to the other side of the party.  I can't know for sure but I would imagine other folks feel discomfort in socializing with work people.  I hope that your daughter feels better soon.

I'll be keeping your daughter in my thoughts and hoping her case stays mild. Sometimes it helps to have something to feel anxious about that feels more normal.

Thank you Rainy Diary and Armee.

I think I'm in a triggered state. Very down. Couldn't even fake a smile at work. Today, I had strong feelings of being left out at work, similar to what I experienced the first month or two of the job. Those feelings only have thin, loose ties to present reality.

Also am worried about my daughter.

H is now retired and will be home all the time.

I have somewhere to go tonight. I really just want to curl up in a ball.

I hope your event passes as quickly as it can and that you find some ease. 

I hope you got some time and space to curl up in a ball last night, after your event, and under a nice soft warm blankie.

Take care of yourself, Not Alone. It's OK to turn down some events if you feel overwhelmed by them. Don't forget how much your brain is trying to process right now with all these bad memories coming up. You are doing an amazing job going to work everyday and keeping the pain underwrap long enough to do that.  :grouphug:

Ugh I wish you had your own private apartment to escape to.

 :yeahthat: I second Armee.

Much support to you Not Alone  :bighug:

Rainy Diary, Armee & Blueberry. Thank you for hearing and supporting me.

My event last night was a concert at church. It was good for my heart. Afterward, I did have some time with a blanket and a book.

I love Christmas movies. Right now I am watching A Christmas Carol, George C. Scott version. Lots of things on my "to do" list, but I'm trying to nurture myself too.

Hi Not Alone,
:hug: and I'm glad that you enjoyed the concert at the church.  Something good for your heart is wonderful.  I also love Christmas movies.  I hope to watch one soon as well. 

Hope  :)

Thank you, Hope.

I told my H today that I wanted separate bedrooms. I feel upset about the conversation that we had. When I look back at what was said, I realize that my H didn't take responsibility for our lack of emotional intimacy, he pretty much put it on me. He also didn't step up and say, "Our relationship is broken. What can we do to begin to bring repair?" I didn't expect that so I'm not very disappointed. In a way, I guess it confirms the way I view our relationship, that is he has avoidant attachment. I also am partly wondering if he's right, is the brokenness my fault?

He said he needed time to pray/think about it. I told him that he has a history of "thinking" for days, weeks, even months. I asked how long he wanted. He said a month. I said there was no need to take a month. He said one week then.

I have some fear that H is going to tell me he wants a divorce. I guess that is unlikely, but it is still a fear.

 :hug:

That's a teally big step, Not Alone. I'm sorry the relationship is the way it is. It isn't your fault. He is emotionally non responsive and that is painful to experience when you are going through so much. You did good pushing for a shorter "thinking" period. His request to "think about it" for a month feels controlling, given he has no capacity to change.

Yes, I agree, that was a big step. Courageous too. And Good on you for then saying that a month was too long.  :cheer:  :hug:

Thank you, Armee & Blueberry. This is really hard and your support means a lot.

I don't think that his statement of needing a month was overtly controlling. From what I understand about Avoidant Personality, the belief/thought is, if you wait long enough, it (problem) will just magically go away. That's not a conscious thought, but a lifestyle of dealing (or not dealing) with issues.

H and I had a little more conversation this morning. I can see that he is hurt and probably angry. From the things he says, he's not looking at the possibility of him changing. He puts it all on me. "I'm not the kind of person who shows his feelings----------as much as you need."

I'm having to remind myself of what I've learned about avoidant. He is unwilling to look at himself or work on changing himself. How do I live in this situation in a way that is honoring and life-giving to me? Stay strong, Not Alone. You are not crazy or ALL to blame for the brokenness within the marriage.

This hurts.  :'(

Not Alone, I am glad you are taking steps that will help you feel supported in yourself.  I imagine it is very painful and I am sorry for the pain you are feeling. 

Quote from: Not Alone on December 20, 2021, 02:18:17 PM
How do I live in this situation in a way that is honoring and life-giving to me? Stay strong, Not Alone. You are not crazy or ALL to blame for the brokenness within the marriage.

:yeahthat:  :thumbup:
I hope you can feel lots of good vibes and support from here  :grouphug:

Thank you, Rainy Diary and Blueberry. I do feel the support here and it means so much.

 :hug:

Sending you much love and support. :grouphug:

I got my covid booster earlier today. Now I'm not feeling well. Triggering. I need to figure out how to comfort the Littles.

Hi Notalone,
Hope you feel better soon.  Sending a comforting hug, to any of your parts who want one  :hug: 
Hope  :)

Hi Not Alone,

I hope you feel better soon and that there are people around who can give you a little care and warmth. If not I'm sending a bunch virtually. You deserve to be taken care of.  :hug:

Sending comfort and support to you notalone. Hoping supporting Adult you might help you help your younger parts too.  :hug:

hey, notalone, hope your symptoms leave quickly.  just been thru it, but it's over now.  there is a light at the end of this tunnel.

best to you with the whole avoidance thing surrounding your H.  i've had several of those in my life, it's no fun.  and, of course, the age-old excuse - i'm not that way.  anyone can use that about anything, actually.  it just depends on if one is satisfied with staying that way, what price it will cost, what will be gained or lost for staying in that particular space.  i hope it works out for both of you.  love and hugs :hug:

Hope, Armee, Blueberry, & San; thank you for your care. I am feeling better today.

Yesterday besides not feeling well, I had a dentist appointment. It went fairly well. I told the hygienist that blood in my mouth was hard for me so please rinse frequently. Feel good that I was able to care for myself without blurting out my life history.  :Idunno: I also said no to x-rays because I feel like I'm choking. When she explained why they were needed, I stuck with my "no." Last time I went to the dentist, I had two very strong physical and visual flashbacks. My experience last time made me anxious for this appointment, but it went okay.

My H and I have talked a lot more. Lots for me to process in all that. He is keeping our room (the bigger room) and I will take the small room. When I first talked to him I requested that I keep the larger room since I spent a lot of time in there. He only sleeps in there. He didn't want to give up the attached bathroom. (He wanted to walk through the bedroom to use that bathroom----No.) He also said he liked to look out the window.  :fallingbricks: I told him I would be willing to take the smaller room.

I feel angry because I do spend so much time in the room. It has been my mostly safe place since I started the journey of dealing with my trauma 3 1/2 years ago. Ironically, during some very dark times, I would stare out the window and see the squirrels scampering on the branch or watch the clouds. It was like hanging onto sanity and remembering that the One who created those things was still with me. H doesn't know any of that.

I am willing to pay the "cost" of a smaller room for the sake of my own space and privacy. I ordered a new quilt for my bed.  :applause:

 :grouphug:

A new quilt sounds lovely for your new bed. I wish you got to keep your sanctuary but I hope perhaps the new bedroom will feel more like yours. If not you could revisit the arrangement later with H.

Good job asking for what you need both with regard to a new room and at the dentist. I'm sorry those visits triggered visual and physical flashbacks before.

i love the idea of a new quilt for your bed, notalone.  it makes a very personal statement about your new space, your new sleep sanctuary.  i'm sorry about the troubles between you and your H, tho.  i know how much i love to look out my window, watch nature happen.  it's a very spiritual experience for me as well.  i wish i had better words.  keep taking care of you, ok?  love and hugs :hug:

Armee & San, the upcoming transition to the other bedroom is more distressful to me than I foresaw. Your care helps.

I'm off work for a few weeks. I had a list of things to get done. I think I'm partially in a freeze state because of the stress of my marriage. I am binging on T.V. and getting a few things done. Right now I can't even bring myself to look at my list.

Moving into a different bedroom is a big deal. It is a statement of the brokenness of our marriage. Our/my bedroom has been a place of relative security and I am loosing that. Changes are hard for me, especially the Littles. Even though this was my choice, I still have feelings of abandonment. (There is emotional abandonment.) I guess I need to be aware of what I'm feeling and be caring and accepting of myself.

Not Alone, I appreciate how you are taking steps toward what will be supportive in the long run even if right now it is so difficult.  It's hard also to be working and keeping the household running and having so many hats to wear.  I hope that you find some ease and tackle what is most important to you. 

Thank you, Rainy Diary.  :hug:

Lots and lots of care and reassurance to those Littles. You are not wrong to feel abandoned, not at all. Nor to feel sad about losing your sanctuary, or scared by the transition and change. Take your time.  :grouphug:

Dear Notalone,
It's such a big thing that you're making those changes, and I really feel for your littles and every part of you, having to negotiate your way through those things.  It annoys part of me that you are taking the smaller room, when I know you preferred and liked your current bedroom.  I wish there was a way that you didn't have to do that.  But I feel sure that you'll make the room comfortable and cosy, and most importantly that you feel safe there.

Sending you a hug,  :hug:
Hope  :)

Armee, thank your for your care for my Littles and me. The reminder that it isn't wrong to feel abandoned, sad or scared is helpful. Also to take my time. I'm telling myself that as I feel panic at times, but it helps to hear it from someone else.

Hope, I am really feeling your care.  :hug: I am telling my Littles that I will do my best to help them feel safe in the new room. I'm also allowing myself to spend a little money on small things that will help to make it pretty and cozy (and trying not to feel guilty about that).

I spent most of the day with a close friend, who is visiting from out of town. On the way home I felt a lot of anxiety. I kept trying to take deep breathes and to reassure myself that I was safe. I'm not sure what the anxiety was all about. I'm home now and will probably just watch tv and try to bring calm to myself. The cat is on my lap and she is great comfort!

I hate those moments of panic without explanation. I hope it passes soon.  :hug:

I miss having a kitty. Mine passed a year ago.

Quote from: Not Alone on December 29, 2021, 11:03:26 PM
Moving into a different bedroom is a big deal. It is a statement of the brokenness of our marriage. Our/my bedroom has been a place of relative security and I am loosing that.

It is a big deal! Not being married or ever even being in a partnership, I didn't even realise it as a statement of the brokenness of your and h's marriage, although that makes sense too. But for you to lose your bedroom as a place of relative security is a big deal for you and for your littles. May I do a bit of  :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: towards your h for not allowing you the bigger space unconditionally? When I first read your post, I immediately thought of it being like how I would be pulling the rug out from under my own feet if moved along with all that would entail like reduced working, losing the garden, having to permanently re-home furbabies etc. So I imagine losing your bedroom is a bit like that for you and your littles. A big deal. Even if you won't go under and even although you will in time find a new relative security in the smaller room, but you'll probably have to actually work on that e.g. by getting the new quilt and probably other ways too.

:applause: on finding a way forwards with the smaller room, even if not ideal, but still seems the best that you can get out of h for the moment. I wish h would take you and your concerns more seriously and be kinder towards you.

Sending comfort and support  :grouphug:

Today moved most of my clothes and the dresser (w/ H's help) into the bedroom. I will sleep there tonight. I am filled with grief.

notalone, i wish i could do more than just write words of comfort and caring for you during this time.  i feel for you in a big way.  sending love and a hug filled with  warmth as you battle thru your grief.   :hug:

I'm here, feeling your grief with you. Grieving is appropriate. It's a sad moment. I wish you a lot of comfort and sanctuarybin your new room.