dollyvee's recovery journal

Armee · January 03, 2022, 04:45:18 AM

Waiting for T to mentally deal with this stuff is probably wise. I wish I had some helpful tip for you. The uncertainty is super super hard. Knowing and not knowing. It makes it hard to have empathy for yourself.

I'm sorry your aunt seems to have added confusion and fear rather than having supported empathized.

We'll be here for you as you journey into folding this information into your efforts to heal.

dollyvee · January 03, 2022, 05:54:35 PM

Thank you rainy & Armee - I wish there was some helpful tip too but also know that I sometimes we have to wade through the soup. Well, mud.

It's so difficult talking to one side of the family about the other and going into the detail of their behaviour when they see them a certain way. They were always "happy go lucky" and other facets of their behaviour are harder to imagine I think? Saw another cousin and they are more reasonable/open about behaviour but they also know my gf in another way. Having to explain what was happening left me feeling open and vulnerable, kind of spaced out. Tho they did seem sympathetic that gf's behaviour was weird.

Going back to see gf and finish helping at house but have decided not to stay and am staying at hotel.

Armee · January 03, 2022, 06:24:07 PM

I'm proud of you for staying in a hotel Dolly. And if at any point it feels damaging to your mental health to even be there helping, you can leave, OK? You don't have to stay. You can simply say you are feeling unwell and go.

It's very very hard to talk to people about these types of things. There are so many gaps and people want to brush things under the rug thinking that is the most helpful thing to do.

I think the fact you are trying to talk to relatives about this shows so much strength and self assurance. If you don't mind me saying, it's helpful for me to see you do it because my instinct is the opposite and to destroy myself for being so _________.

dollyvee · January 05, 2022, 05:07:51 PM

Thank you Armee

I think I know the feeling that you're talking about, the one that just wants to destroy your existence; that anything you say puts you into a "shame place." I only mentioned it to my aunt, I haven't mentioned SA to anyone else except t. I don't know if the family is talking behind my back about this, maybe, probably. I'm guessing when the topic touched on false memory (my cousin brought it up tho not sure if it was in relation to her - but I think I will ask her and see), it made me space out, like I wasn't being believed or just felt exposed and vulnerable.

I'm falling into automatic I think, the programming that these are things I'm supposed to do/to be helpful. Like this was the narrative, but it doesn't feel like the narrative anymore. That I don't want to take on all the garbage anymore. I went back to help clean out my gm's stuff yesterday but just didn't feel like being there. I don't think I was grounded. Maybe the idea of myself as just being helpful is not fitting anymore. Gf was happy that I was there I think, but I wasn't happy. I brought up the necklace and just said you know you can wear the ring around it and you don't have to wear that expensive gold piece (that you took out of the jewellery that was meant for me and have repeated to the cleaner because she told me how expensive it is). There was no reaction from him about this, just that he wears it everyday.

My brother also called my gf the other day. Apparently, my sf has now told him that he won't be receiving any inheritance like he did with me. So, after a couple years of avoiding my gf, he is calling now that he might be cut off. My gf immediately called the lawyer, the one I was paying 475/hour for. When he told me that, I said who's paying for it, I'm not paying for it. My gf said he'll pay for it despite having a go at me for not paying him 20 and saying he why should he pay he's only doing it for me. My brother has come around and shown his true colours now that my sf is threatening him and my gf will bend over backwards for him.

Supposed to go and spread my gm's ashes today with my gf but I don't think I'm going to do it. I have two days left here and I just want to do chill, nice things for me. I don't know what to think right now - there's part as my family suggested that he's depressed because of the death, alone and isolated because of covid and becoming paranoid. The other part is seeing quick temper and manipulative behaviour.

rainydiary · January 06, 2022, 02:49:29 AM

Dolly, you are encountering a lot and I admire how you are managing.

Quote from: dollyvee on January 05, 2022, 05:07:51 PM
I'm falling into automatic I think, the programming that these are things I'm supposed to do/to be helpful. Like this was the narrative, but it doesn't feel like the narrative anymore. That I don't want to take on all the garbage anymore.

This really resonated with me and I have been thinking a lot about the narrative of my life. I hope you find a way to work in your own wording and experience into the narrative you are creating.

Larry · January 07, 2022, 02:17:22 PM

HI Dolly, sending some positive vibes your way, sounds like you have so much to deal with right now,

dollyvee · January 07, 2022, 07:30:25 PM

Thanks rainy - I realized today that I feel like I'm doing all these things with understanding, trying to be self aware, to grow, to be a better person and it feels like my family dynamic is so far from even recognizing some of those things.

Thank you Larry

I was jet lagged and forget to say this yesterday but I appreciate you stopping by

I've got back home today and feel like I've just run into a brick wall and seen how things actually are. I went home with the intention of helping clean up, be understanding, do some of the things that might be helpful to my gf and feel like none of that was reciprocated, no mutual understanding.

It's just been really difficult. I sat down and had a conversation with him that I didn't expect or want anything if he were to pass away. I'm positive he's said that I would be the beneficiary of the will and during the conversation he said that his nephew would be executor, that he's already told him, and the estate would go between us. I didn't want or expect anything, and am shocked that he didn't have the same conversation with me as with his nephew. He also said again that "he's not trying to hide anything" from me which I found infuriating because I don't feel like I'm being told the whole truth. The feelings I had that there was something amiss all along does seem to be coming out.

I asked him if he read my gm's medical records. He said maybe a while ago and then no and when I mentioned the psychologist and psychiatrist he said no he didn't remember that. Maybe he doesn't want to talk about it but I'm getting off vibes.

dollyvee · January 08, 2022, 08:56:05 AM

Woke up in the night with the thought that everything I've done now with my life or did, has been through this my family/gm mother had it really hard narrative and I have to succeed for them/her (and that there would be love for me at the end of it?) but the real narrative is my family didn't care/relate to the things I was going through/had to go through; as long as it fit within their idea of life that was fine.

It doesn't matter to my gf that I wanted to help, wanted him to feel good, was ready to pay for a part time home care nurse etc...that they were/are ripping me off essentially. That the value of a gold chain matters more than my gm saying it was for me and how I might feel about if he took it, or even the thought of asking.

I guess this is really difficult to see but I'm also thankful for running into that brick wall and making it clear to me.
_________

I also wrote to my cousin about what she said about memories and false memories of something happening and she said she thinks something might have happened to her but her "memory isn't that good." I told her that I was there for her and false memory is a very "debated" topic, as well as showing her some of the experts (Dan P. Brown). My cousin is a very nice, strong person. She's in a long term relationship and just living her life. I fully understand if it's not something she wants to explore. It just hit home at how difficult what everyone on this forum is going through and how much courage it takes to do what everyone here is doing. And how many more people there are out there who still struggle even without knowing what it is that's going on.

Hope67 · January 08, 2022, 11:52:53 AM

Dear Dollyvee,
I wanted to send you a hug

That is heavy realisations to have considered last night, and you mentioned a 'hard narrative' and a 'real narrative' and I sensed some painful emotions there. I wanted to just say that I see your courage in what you write, and I want to say more, but can't think of the right words to express what I'd like to say.

Hope

dollyvee · January 09, 2022, 09:01:09 AM

Thank you Hope I can see that it is very strong language...I don't think it's been so apparent before. There was always the feeling that I had to help out, that some part of me saw all that she/they had given me and wanted to give back. After seeing the psychologist's reports I can see that maybe I'd been conditioned to feel that way from a young age, to make her feel better and that it was my responsibility.

The lawyers have already come back to me after my gf's call. The positive thing is that what my sf was trying to do is quite damning and illustrates his snakey behaviour, so they've sent a cease and desist. I feel inclined to walk away from it all and let them fight it out, that I don't want to be a part of this anymore or have any dealing with them. I don't trust my brother to not change his mind if my sf were to take him back once he receives the letter from the lawyer.

It's interesting as well that I feel so strongly about being taken advantage of at work, that I need to be paid correctly etc. It's something that really bothers me and can see the connection to behaviour in my family.

Just trying to stay present with this stuff right now. I feel like I want to accomplish more being back at home. My neighbour still sucks but also feeling like I don't have to take that on right now. That I can only engage with the negativity if I let it get to me.

dollyvee · January 11, 2022, 10:03:37 AM

Thinking about conversation with my gf and asking him if he read the reports and what happened to my gm and what happened to me. Maybe he read them and that's why he was different with me. But why wouldn't he mention it? I guess it's a lot to talk about but even just saying I'm sorry that happened? Even if my sa "vibes" are off, again, it's a lack of support.

Read through some articles yesterday about memory, sa etc and one mentioned that there's a chance of feeling less protected around people, being vulnerable to people. It's funny that this is how I always feel around people, that I'm open to their energy. Maybe it's heightened sensitivity, and I always thought it was due to my m and sf, but maybe it's something else. It's interesting how I immediately shut down watching the Sex & Goop doc as well. There's more to say about growing up and and things.

Anyways, I was at the little tree yesterday and felt an overwhelm of sadness come up, that all this stuff has been bubbling under the surface for the past few weeks and I've been keeping a lid on it. I guess one positive is with these emotions I usually turn them back on myself and think there is something wrong with me, that it's me. I don't feel that as much this time...maybe this is the new narrative I'm trying to create the one where I don't take it all on. But how to feel this stuff and not do that?

dollyvee · January 11, 2022, 12:48:09 PM

Random and mildly upsetting is that my gf sent a photo of his nephew's house and Christmas lights (which he'd already showed me). He's also asked if I got home ok via text. I think on the outside, most people would see a lonely, old man looking for conversation. However, in light of the recent trip back and events, behaviour etc it feels a lot different to me.

Armee · January 11, 2022, 02:30:24 PM

Trust how you feel about the communication. Gaslighting makes us feel like we are crazy. You feel that way for a reason and based on a pattern.

rainydiary · January 11, 2022, 03:13:09 PM

Dolly, I appreciate what you are sharing here as it is giving me some ways to consider my experience. I am sad for the hurt and confusion you feel and I hope it yields something useful.

dollyvee · January 11, 2022, 09:49:51 PM

Thanks Armee I think you hit the nail on the head - it's gaslighting

Thank you rainy - I'm glad you're relating to this. It's pretty great that there are others out there. I remember going through this stuff before and feeling like I was alone with it. I know how hard it is to do that.

I remember mentioning to t a while ago that I feel like my gf is undermining me about my achievements, that it somehow bothers him that I'm doing well on my own. I saw it again when we were driving together in the car like he was trying to get at me, or be superior somehow. At least that's how I perceived it. I can see his recent behaviour as a lack of consideration as well, and whatever the motive or whatever happened, that's the bottom line I think and it's not good for me.