More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework

[Blueberry]

From reading your responses I got some clarity on what the problem was: M didn't so much expect me to know how to do things (she assumed more that I was too incompetent, dumb, incapable... to manage much) but what she did expect was for me to magically know in advance how what I did or said would make somebody else react (and then I was at fault for the person's reaction - according to M) or that I would magically know in advance how to react in a situation that didn't work out the way it was meant to.

While writing that I was remembering how M tore strips off me (verbally) for buying 2 small packets of something in a store because there was no big packet. We always bought the big packet of something we needed regularly and the store wasn't close by. I must have been about 8 yo. and I simply didn't know what to do. M stayed in the car (no parking spot probably) and I went into the store. She stormed back into the store and returned the second package and got her money back. I know I've mentioned this incident on here before. It made such an impression on me that the next time I was faced with choosing S, M, L packet of some different item when I must have been 13, that I chose L. That was wrong too because I was meant to have known that in that case we needed S. It's as if M was expecting me to see things in the future and/or see into her mind and follow her exact train of thought. Package sizes are different from a dish breaking but the underlying theme is being able to predict something without the necessary knowledge, or something. It's still not quite clear to me emotionally, but the puzzle pieces will fit together soon I think. I'm certainly getting closer to it.

I relate to other aspects of your posts, 3R and Owl but I'm too tired to respond to them now. Just thanks for what you did write, it was really helpful for me. You too notalone.  One each

[Jazzy]

Wow Blueberry, that is completely unfair how your M treated you. Of course you can't read minds or predict the future. Your M should have done a much better job at communicating. Holding you responsible for someone else's re/actions seems wrong to me too. I'm angry at your M just reading this! (but not so much as to be unhealthy )

It sounds like this is important to you, and you're "getting closer to it", which is great. I hope you work through it and continue to improve.

[sanmagic7]

those puzzle pieces sound like they are fitting together really well, blueberry.  i once learned a list of manipulations, and expecting us to know in advance, or telling us we're responsible for other people's actions, reactions, emotions, etc. was one of them.  it was a way for the other person not to take responsibility or be accountable for their own mistakes, actions, emotions, etc,  it's absolutely not right that a parent do that to a child, ever.  i'm mad at your M for doing that to you, and also very sorry and sad for you that you had to go thru it.  it causes so much suffering, confusion, and negative thoughts about ourselves - lots of 'shoulds' in there.

i admire all the progress you're making, my dear, and i think your insight is spot on.  keep up the good work   love and hugs to you

[owl25]

I'm glad our replies gave you further clarity, always a good thing 

[Blueberry]

I've been doing quite well for a few days in one way: cooking myself a proper meal once a day. For the reasons I laid out above this is huge.

In other ways I'm not doing well. Beyond cooking and eating a proper meal, I just keep eating and eating anything I can find beyond that. I know at least one reason for that which I haven't written about nor have I done any therapy exercises on it - I'm still running away. Well, I will try and write about it now. About a week ago I was caught in a situation where I didn't manage to protect myself and my boundaries adequately and nor was I able to stand up for my Little Furries and their boundaries. They're still alive, no blood involved, but it did get a bit too close. In retrospect this reminded me of the times M didn't stand up for me in my childhood and how that traumatised me. Then I was able to see that in this case it was different.

I am taking responsibility for the incident. During it I DID try to stand up for myself and my Little Furries. I didn't just sit there and allow anything and everything to happen and wring my hands afterwards and say "I didn't dare say anything in case that worsened the situation" the way M used to. The incident was with the friends of a neighbour (shared garden) and the friends' dog. I have since told the neighbour that that dog has to stay out of my part of the garden next time he comes to visit and if the dog can't obey that (which the dog can't) then he has to be on leash the whole time. The neighbour said  in support of his friends and to try and make me out to be totally ignorant of Little Furries and dogs (neither is true) and  to detract from the topic at hand but I didn't allow myself to be pulled off into a discussion of side topics. I just repeated that the dog has to be kept out of my part of the garden. I will say it again unequivocally if I meet the friends with the dog in the garden again. That is certainly not the way M ever reacted. She sometimes "wished" after the fact that she'd acted differently (if it was an external to FOO thing), but never told me she would actually act differently the next time. And she didn't comfort me in the situation whereas I went directly to Little Furries and talked to them in soothing tones.

Now I'm blank and I'm also realising I haven't had anything to drink since I took my morning medication. Part of the problem today was caused by my needing and wanting to ask a client to pay for some equipment I need for teaching somebody in his company. Normally I'd pay for the equipment myself but for various reasons I'm allowing the client to pay such a super-reduced price, that I'm not willing to fork out for the equipment. 

[Three Roses]

I will say it again unequivocally if I meet the friends with the dog in the garden again. That is certainly not the way M ever reacted.

You are breaking the patterns of the past. Good job!! 

[owl25]

Well done on speaking up about the dog and sticking to your guns. That's not easy to do 

[Not Alone]

but I didn't allow myself to be pulled off into a discussion of side topics. I just repeated that the dog has to be kept out of my part of the garden. I will say it again unequivocally if I meet the friends with the dog in the garden again.

Well done.

Sad that your mom did not stand up for you. 

[Blueberry]

26 May 2020: "In other ways I'm not doing well. Beyond cooking and eating a proper meal, I just keep eating and eating anything I can find beyond that. I know at least one reason for that which I haven't written about nor have I done any therapy exercises on it - I'm still running away. "

I wrote that just 2 days ago. In therapy this morning my T had a totally different take on it, in fact one fairly similar to what I hear directed at me on this forum: Try concentrating more on what I do achieve and not seeing myself as a failure when I don't do my therapy exercises immediately. It's fine if I wait a week to do them. The important thing is to keep moving forwards and that is definitely and utterly what I am doing. That's all I can write on that atm but it's important!

[Blueberry]

Was it really that bad?? It's a common question or refrain on here. I finally asked my T today, though it took me until the final 5 minutes to do so. He said for him as therapist it's not about comparing clients with each other to see whose past was most horrendous but looking at the individual case. And looking at my case he can say that the way my M treated me was way below average in parenting. And that B1's treatment of me was also terrible. Not all elder brother's treat their younger sibling that way. In fact, when I think about it now, B1 didn't normally treat B2 the way he treated me, but FOO always had some reason for that. But no, in fact, my T said it is not normal human behaviour to attack any and every weakness you see in another human being. He didn't say but as I write this I imagine it's not normal human behaviour to attack any weakness you see in your own child or even in someone else's child. Not normal to attack a child at all. But that's what M did and B1 too. And enF? Massively bad in taking responsibility for protecting me from the aggressors in the family. Emotional abuse by omission.

[Jazzy]

Not normal to attack a child at all. But that's what M did and B1 too...

Sorry you were attacked Blueberry; this makes me sad. Often times we have a hard time believing it, but it is really bad.

[Snowdrop]

The important thing is to keep moving forwards and that is definitely and utterly what I am doing.

Yes! You are! I think it's often easier to recognise this for other people than it is for ourselves. That's what it's like for me, anyway.

my T said it is not normal human behaviour to attack any and every weakness you see in another human being. He didn't say but as I write this I imagine it's not normal human behaviour to attack any weakness you see in your own child or even in someone else's child. Not normal to attack a child at all. But that's what M did and B1 too. And enF? Massively bad in taking responsibility for protecting me from the aggressors in the family. Emotional abuse by omission.

Thank you for writing this. It's something that I needed to hear for my own experiences. I'm sorry you were treated so badly.

[Blueberry]

Not normal to attack a child at all. But that's what M did and B1 too...

Sorry you were attacked Blueberry; this makes me sad. Often times we have a hard time believing it, but it is really bad.

Just to be clear: I was attacked by M mostly emotionally, psychologically and verbally for showing weakness, not so much physically. B1 physical too. But still the emotional et al. were attacks. I'm sure I'm not the only person on here who endured that kind of thing. Now my mind is blank. Thank you for posting Jazzy and you too Snowdrop.

[Blueberry]

Yesterday when talking to a friend I was trying out loud to find the word for something, came up with the wrong prefix, and so my friend gave me the correct word. I didn't feel bad about it but remembered the kind of remark M would make: "Trying to teach the local language and you can't even speak it yourself" and said that as a quote from her. My friend cringed and I remarked on that being one reason for next to no contact. M did say to me when I was a newly qualified translator: "Call yourself a translator and you can't understand a plain English sentence!" It was her sentence I hadn't understood correctly and was undoubtedly not as plain and as easily understood as she'd made out. I think we were even having an argument about some FOO stuff, so undoubtedly it wasn't very plain at all. I remember that I was able to respond unemotionally at the time. 

I don't feel hurt anymore, well at least atm, it's more I'm gaining emotional detachment and seeing how unpleasant, rude, accusing and downright hurtful M can be. 

I've been having trouble with invoicing recently and at least I have now got as far as talking to one adult student about charging a little more retroactively for the beginning of lockdown time as the lessons involved much more prep time. The student is totally agreeable. I'd been putting off talking about it. My T suggested last time that I put my ICs into Inner Safe Place before discussing with students and then I suggested sending my FOO off behind black, bullet-proof glass, because it's FOO's opinion of me and attitude towards me making it so difficult. This student is totally agreeable to it, I just need to work it out exactly. I emailed the parent of one of my school students but I think they must be on holiday this week, but at least I've set it in motion.

I emailed B1 and SIL1 with Happy Birthday for my nephew. I got a response right away, with an attachment, and thought "How nice, it'll be a photo of my nephew!". No such luck. A photo of B1 with his limbs all bandaged up after a sporting accident. Why would I care? B1 is so clueless. He along with most adults in FOO doesn't care at all about the amount of emotional pain FOO including himself dishes out to me, as was evident last time I met up with all of them, but now he thinks I might care about his accident or want to see a photo of him?? No, sorry. Zero interest. It wasn't a particularly bad accident either but apparently took the focus off nephew's birthday. My nephew is still a child! So this is where I see: Narcs? - it's all about them. I also noticed that B1 is aging visibly and he looks more like M than before  Not what I'd wanted to see either. I don't think I'm really triggered though, these are all more cognitive things and confirmation that FOO really is that bad and that horrible, in the main.

Another realisation: my uncle with whom I have a little email contact is not as bad, as narc-like as my parents, brothers and SIL2. Not that I'm comfortable moving onto phone contact with him, but thinking back over the years and also reading what he writes now - he's not so entitled. He was also able to describe how he and his family are dealing with lockdown etc without making snide remarks and going into denial and trying to get me to agree with denial, unlike F who is his brother. He didn't refer to my parents at all in his last email I also know that my uncle and I are on the same side politically about some things going on in his country which affect me, whereas my parents are on the other side despite that making my life difficult in future. My uncle doesn't see the way I do because of my case, however the reasons my parents gave last time I was in their company  But also a kind of eye-opener. And my uncle isn't that way.

[Blueberry]

Felt totally exhausted yesterday and today. Maybe that stuff I wrote about is having more effect than I thought. It's a public holiday here but I was teaching this morning anyway and I hardly made it out of bed. There are lots and lots of things I ought to be doing but I just feel so tired.