More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework

[Blueberry]

Fur babies! 🐹🐹🐹❤️❤️❤️

Yes! I'm not sure if that is meant to depict a guinea pig or a hamster. I have 3 guineas anyway   I go up and down a lot about whether I dare to post that - this is the Internet after all. But truly the chance of any FOO mbrs dropping by and then recognising me is really, really small. There was a previous mbr on here who claimed her FOO did just that which rattled me and had me worried for a long time. But now I think it probably wasn't even true, but just a way to get attention and spread unease on the forum.

I'm not so sure about my therapy homework but I am taking concrete steps atm. Today I suddenly realised that there is a lot going on - no wonder I feel a bit de-stabilised and am having trouble 'getting on with things'. I'm too tired to write anymore, so self-care - turn off the computer, go and get something to drink and then give the guineas some attention. They helped me this morning - I was very tempted to go back to bed but talked to them instead and then started tidying up in my apartment 

[Blueberry]

NTS: It would have been good to do a few rounds of EFT yesterday on "I accept myself even though somebody else accused me of having inflationary prices". Instead I ate badly yesterday, I also craved chocolate and caffeine, though I didn't give in. Finally I went into the garden in the early evening. That got rid of the cravings but it didn't deal with the problem as such. Today I was awake at 6:30am but didn't get out of bed till just before noon. Some time during the afternoon I realised I'd been in a bit of an EF.

[Blueberry]

I'm not sure whether I even did any EFT on loving myself despite being accused of having inflationary prices. However, today I wrote to the person in question explaining what my work entails and also that I would much have preferred the person to tell me in advance rather than dropping by on my doorstep with the student right before the lesson and making that remark. So, I'll see what comes of it. Now I feel really tired though. I just came back down into my office after 'lunch' at 4pm, aiming to get on with other business stuff, but I noticed I'm so tired.

I have accomplished a lot including some daring things in the past couple of days. I spoke to my doc at noon and said I was feeling and doing well and had been for a couple of days. I also mentioned a couple of things that are bothering me atm, but generally: NTS I'm doing well today. So with that in mind, if I'm feeling tired, then there's a reason, so give myself a break and stop work for the next hours. 

I have read other posts in the past few days but I don't think I've responded. I do think of other mbrs on here so sending you all  but it's novel for me to be saying, I'll get on with my own things especially since I'm tired and NOT respond to any posts for now.   

[Not Alone]

Glad you are taking care of yourself. Here is a hug back. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you notalone! you're right I'm taking care of myself and I don't need to feel ashamed of that. Correction: can learn to accept that as my right. (Though it still feels scary and I have butterflies in my stomach.)

[Blueberry]

I started re-reading a book called "He's Just Not That Into You" last night. I was intending to look one last time and then put it on the junk pile. But instead I saw the behaviour of friends I have since cut out of my life and I saw the behaviour of FOO members. Instead of 'not being into me', in the case of FOO they didn't / don't care (enough) about me. They don't care enough about me now.

I see now excuses I made for FOO (believing theirs) where friends and my doc carefully pointed out a different way of looking at the situation. e.g. after Second Horrendous FOO Event when I left this FOO holiday to escape back home, my parents told me to phone them when I got home to tell them I'd made the 1500km trip (by air and train). I didn't do so. But a friend asked shocked: Why don't they phone you?? I replied that they weren't actually at home but on the other part of the FOO holiday so didn't easily have a phone available. Friend: They're not out of touch with civilisation...

Greg (co-author of the above book) when a guy puts it on you to phone: "He's just not that into you." My translation for FOO situation:"They just don't care enough." Greg: "Why would you waste your time with a guy like that?" My translation for FOO situation: "Why waste time, energy, thoughts on a family like that??" (Lump in throat, it's hard. But it's true).

A friend I wrote Recovery Letters to here: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=10215.0 and who is no longer in my life - there were a lot of things askew in that friendship, but one thing that irked me which Greg mentions in the book - not wanting to meet friends and family. There come a time in friendships where I am curious to meet their friends or possibly family (whether FOO or FOC - of course if their FOO is like most of our FOOs, then not). But I'd like to know more about them, see them in a different setting, share time with them and their other friends. If you don't live in the same town, it doesn't happen automatically. Well, I met some of her friends but when I mentioned a particular friend of mine would like to meet her (they had spoken on the phone once after my First Horrendous FOO Event), no-longer-friend came up with excuses for why not e.g. we hadn't seen each other for a long time. Translation: I want you for myself, I want your full undivided attention. That's not actually Greg's 'reason' in the field of romance, but him giving that as a red flag in a supposedly serious relationship, helped me see it here. No-Longer-Friend cared way more about her own agenda than me in the context of friendship but at the same time she expected me to give more than she gave me, way more.

[sanmagic7]

hey, blueberry,

taking care of yourself is a right.  that was so good to hear, as i'm struggling right now with knowing what i have the right to do or not.  it's something i've just discovered in session, so it was good to read that.  helps cement it for me.

my d has her own business, sets her own prices as well, and has struggled w/ worrying about how much to charge.  i've had the same w/ my own work.  sometimes it's difficult to determine what the market will hold and what pays honor to your own hard work.  but, saying something like that in front of a student?  nope!  not cool!

and, i've made excuses for the behavior of people most all my life, but have stopped now.  they've all had the same chances i have to work on being a better version of themselves, no matter what might have happened in their past.  they chose not to.

keep taking care of you.  love and hugs!

[Blueberry]

taking care of yourself is a right.  that was so good to hear, as i'm struggling right now with knowing what i have the right to do or not.   

Yes! It's our right!!! Thank you for writing that because it helps cement for me too!

I know price-setting is difficult. At one point I put my prices up too high and backed down again a few months later, but my present prices aren't too high for the work I do. Apparently if nobody ever tells you your prices are too high, then they're too low. It was also partly the way this person went about it, assuming (out loud) that I and others who work in this area join together to put the prices up. Um, no. Some charge way more in fact. There are people who charge less, sometimes because they do a couple of hours 'for fun' in their spare time. It's like accusing an early childhood educator (not my profession, just an example) of charging more than a 16 y.o. babysitter. Not cool. Here too I have the right to take care of myself by charging an adequate price and by objecting to the assumptions made about me and my price-setting

 

[Blueberry]

It's raining today. The countryside, gardens and farms all need rain, but I tend to go back to bed when it rains. Just to add to the rain, I have way too much on my Could do list for the day and even though it is Could and not Must having too much on it tends to shunt me back to bed. Especially when I have too much of things that are difficult or strangely enough used to be difficult: writing bills, cleaning, changing the vaccuum cleaner bag, showering and washing hair. So far done none of that, though I did at least buy new vaccuum cleaner bags. Changing the vaccuum cleaner bag used to be really difficult, really really exhausting as in wipe me out for the day. It's no longer quite that bad but I haven't done it yet today. Another thing on my Coulds was do some EFT and breathe-out-and-process therapy exercise. Haven't done that either but now it occurs to me that I could do either of these exercises on my exhaustion with changing vac. cleaner bags. Or just call it a day and do the easiest constructive thing: put some music on and either wash some more dishes or tidy anywhere.

[Blueberry]

I didn't even do the easiest constructive thing. Went to bed (it was evening) and did crossword puzzles instead and then read through a few books and put them on the discard pile.

I have the beginnings of a sore throat and sore ears. It won't be COVID though, it just means I ought to be processing / doing my therapy exercises.

Today I have at least changed the vacuum cleaner bag and done some vaccuuming. And I have of course chatted with my Little Furries, which is a Good Thing.

I made some real progress on Sunday but I feel too idk what - exhausted? embarrassed? - to write it down.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I wish I could send you a soothing tonic or something to help your sore throat and sore ears. 
to you.
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope!  I fell asleep for the afternoon and they went away.

I have therapy on Thursday. So I suppose that might galvanise me into doing some processing, at the latest during therapy. This early evening I decided I might as well go into the garden and do some weeding since I'm doing next to nothing of what's on any of my lists. When I am asleep, FOO weaves in and out of my dreams, so I suppose there's some processing going on there. Maybe I just need a kind of break again? At least I did do a little tiny clear out today. 6 books gone to the Neighbourhood Book Shelf makes a little dent in the chaos here.

[Deep Blue]

Hey blueberry,
I just wanted to offer you some comfort and support 

[sanmagic7]

hey, blueberry, i think even the smallest progress counts.  you talked to your furries, you did some chores, you worked in the garden.    for that.  and you also took some time to rest, relax w/ your puzzles.  i thin that counts as well as a self-care thing!   i know we have those ugly messages telling us that if we're not being 'productive' or doing something 'constructive' we're lazy or not worth much, but i've learned thru the years that taking time for non-brain work is really important to re-juice our mental system, especially if our brains are processing other issues.  i find nothing negative, at least from my viewpoint, in what you've described.

with you all the way, blueberry.  love and hugs, my dear

[Blueberry]

Thank you Deep Blue for your support  and to you san for your words They help to give me different perspective. 

Today I had the impression I could be in two different places at once i.e. could stay at home warm and go outside in the pouring rain and take Little Furry to the vet's. It was the vaguest impression that this would be possible, so I did leave the house more or less on time. I've had that kind of crazy feeling before, but way worse. Still it's a little shake-up feeling that way again.