ch. 6 - beyond the past

[Tee]

  let me know if little San needs a finger to hold as she toddles around.  Here for you in whatever you need my friend.

[sanmagic7]

hey, 3r - hope you got the rest you wanted/needed.  i did, too!      

notalone, thanks for that suggestions .  i do remember providing a child-proof home for my own babies, so it was good to have that reiterated for me.  thanks for the vote of support and the validation for what i'm doing - i appreciate it. 

tee, i'm sure little san would love to grab hold of your finger as she's toddling around.  i don't think she got enough of that.  thank you.   

did the energy work and brainspotting this morning.  it was huge, and i yawned several times at the end, so i also smudged to get rid of the neg. energy hanging around, and wafted it out the window.  i targeted being able to know, have, and hold my boundaries, feeling unrestricted both physically and emotionally, and knowing that i have enough.  boundary issues have been so big in my life, as in i've had very few boundaries, didn't even know what they were or should be! 

restrictions - i absolutely bridle when someone tells me i 'can't' do something.  now i suspect this is where this comes from, as i believe i was severely restricted as a child.  my tendency to be over-emotional most likely has its source here, and makes sense when i think of not being able to express emotions appropriately.  instead of being able to say i'm angry about something, i will tend to revert to name-calling (not to someone's face - i don't think that's respectful, but while driving or out of earshot.  it's bothered my d, and we've had conversations about that)

because this chakra has been excessive, it makes sense that i've been over the top with things like this.  also traveling, moving, wanting more, always wanting to be included, not wanting to miss out on anything, feeling hurt if i'm not invited along.  so, one of the phrases i targeted to cement within me is 'i have enough'.  that feels strange to believe right now, but it is in there where it hasn't been before.  i believe it's a good thing.

boundaries - well that's a big one for a lot of us.  having boundaries stepped on, ignored, denied - whoa, i just flashed on umpteen million docs that i've seen who have done that to me.   not even knowing that boundaries are important, that i don't have to kowtow to another's wishes all the time, that my sense of being, of who i am and what's important for me is important, period.  self-nurturing was in there, too, or lack of it.  i think it's part of the boundary system.  nurturing myself, speaking up for myself, knowing myself, and doing what's important to continually move toward my true self all fits here.

this is also the second chakra which, along with the first, has to do w/ low back pain and intestinal issues.  have suffered from that an awful lot for many years.  i'm hoping this clearing and cleansing will help with that.  i may have to work on these two areas more specifically before i go on to the next chakra. 

there are so many basic values of self contained here.  i think i'll be wise to revisit this before i do the actual re-scripting.  i want to release as much as possible what has been standing in my way of being me.  addressing the traumas that go along with this phase of my life will help - at least that's what i believe.  right now i'm feeling a bit drugged, woozy.  there was a lot to get rid of this morning, and to reprocess.  we'll see how  the day goes. 

wow - self-nurture as a priority, boundaries as a right, and unrestricted physical and emotional movement.  i've been a 'me, first' gal for a long, long time.  now, perhaps, i can place that in it's rightful arena, and balance it somewhat, be able to think of others as well.  i haven't done that a lot.  ok, time to rest again, let this all sink in and process.  it feels extraordinary.

[Tee]

Big hug San

[sanmagic7]

thanks, tee.  it feels good right now!

[Three Roses]

Great stuff! Will be waiting to hear further developments!

[sanmagic7]

thanks, 3r, for the encouragement.  more will be forthcoming as i can manage it. 

hope you got some rest.   

[sanmagic7]

next phase was this morning.  there's some core issues here i wasn't aware of, and this will go more slowly than i thought.  this is 6 mos. - 2 yrs., a time when i believe i was severely restricted both physically and emotionally.  what i discovered this morning as i was brainspotting, focusing on installing 'i am enough' was i hole in my gut (chakra 2), lots of negativity there (i've suffered with IBS for many years - lots of irregularities there) and the idea that this was already where i had the unrealistic expectations foisted upon me to be perfect.

i believe most of this came from my F, with my M invisible - i could not feel her presence.  i yawned a lot while doing the processing, another sign of neg. energy, and i cupped my hands over my gut - it seemed they kept filling up w/ toxicity, negativity, and just gunk.  i had to repeatedly empty them toward the open window, let all that go to the universe.  i'm convinced this is where my 'being perfect' originated.  my hands also became full of neg. energy, and i washed them afterward, let it go down the drain.

the idea that i am enough, altho i've given lip service to it for many, many years, and have repeated those words to others, is foreign territory.  as i sit here writing this i feel a bit woozy (altho i did smudge myself afterward to release neg., fears, and expectations that didn't belong to me) with the idea that such a hardened expectation, and so unattainable, was built into the fabric of my being from such a young age.  the fabric of my being conjures up the picture of woven cloth that is now unraveling.  yeah, i kind of feel a bit unraveled right now.  very strange.

i'll have to sit with this for a bit, let it settle in.  to not be perfect and be ok with that on a fundamental level is almost incomprehensible to me right now.  there's a loss i feel, but it doesn't feel like i need to grieve it.  rather, it feels like something to rejoice about.  could this really be true?  that i am enough?  strange concept.

the other part of this this morning was the idea that i have enough.  that soon got overshadowed, however, so i'll probably have to revisit that.  writing it here will be a reminder that it needs to be addressed later, possibly this week.

so, this was unexpected.  i thought i needed to go in one direction, and i ended up somewhere else completely.  my gut still feels rather empty, but in a good, comfortable way, like a lot of bloat is gone.  it feels like i'm getting some guidance from somewhere - i did think of my 'magic' stone, tho, and i am trusting the magic.  i do believe this is taking me to where i need to go.  i just want to stay out of my own way and let it flow.  flow is a good word for this - lol!

[Tee]

  I am so proud of you San and you are so enough!  I'm so glad that you are starting to believe that for yourself.

I'm here sitting with you, and will play with little San and love on her to build her self worth up because she and you deserve it.

[sanmagic7]

tee, that is so sweet!  your belief in me gives me strength to keep on with this.  it's harder than i thought it would be.  thank you so much for all your support.  love and hugs, sweetie.

[Not Alone]

You are more than enough. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, notalone.  it's amazing to me to find what i believe to be the root of this perfectionism stuff of mine.  to be able to look back on that part of my life, even tho i don't remember it, but i can see it happening in my mind's eye.  my F wasn't a kid person, so i can totally see him wanting a tiny child to be perfect and not interrupt the adults in their work of being adults.  that just triggered the thought of not putting anyone else out w/ my needs/wants.  whoo-boy, more connections.  it's even more than putting others first - it's not getting in their way, not slowing their flow, tolerating, accepting that they must come first.  they matter more, are more important. 

so, now this just blammed out into the open when i didn't expect it.  more to target.  little by little - but all these little pieces are important.  hence the terms that every step counts, no matter how small.  they've all added something to our perspective of ourselves.  unraveling them, re-wiring our neural connections, yeah, piece by piece.  it'll happen.   thanks, notalone.  you helped me move forward that much more.   

[Not Alone]

I am so proud of you. You are doing amazing brave work in a creative way.

[MoonBeam]

so, now this just blammed out into the open when i didn't expect it.  more to target.  little by little - but all these little pieces are important.  hence the terms that every step counts, no matter how small.  they've all added something to our perspective of ourselves.  unraveling them, re-wiring our neural connections, yeah, piece by piece.  it'll happen.

San you are amazing, doing amazing, inspirational work. Yeah, piece by piece. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. 

[Three Roses]

San you are amazing, doing amazing, inspirational work. Yeah, piece by piece. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. 

Don't have enough energy to say more than

[sanmagic7]

notalone, thank you for expressing that personal pride for me.  i wanted my entire life to hear that from my dad, never happened.  now there are strangers who can shower me with that.  it's something very special.  there is so much little girl left wanting inside of me, it's incredible to think of it.  that will definitely be something i'm going to include while i'm re-scripting for toddler me.  thanks for that, for that idea, too.  i wouldn't have thought of it, i don't think, except that you wrote those words and they hit me like this today. 

moonbeam, thank you for those kind and caring words/thoughts.  i guess i do have some wisdom - i've lived long enough to accrue a bit - but i never would have attached that to what i've been sharing lately.  this just feels personal, like i'm fighting my way out of a cocoon that's been tightly wrapped around me forever.  i know that people talk about swaddling babies, but the thought of that seems to go against my spirit.  it seems so restrictive to me, and i've been restricted long enough.

i know the swaddling thing is supposed to make a baby feel safe and secure.  emotional swaddling just feels repressive.

3r, thank you.  you said more than enough, and, as always, your support is appreciated.  i know you're going thru a lot lately, so i know what this might have cost you.  riches beyond my dreams.

i swear, i have never had finer people in my life.  this place is magic.