Out of the Storm

first, thank you, tee, for your continued support.  so very appreciated.  hope your vacation goes really well.   :hug:

just a note - new path here.  i realized i was beginning to repeat and repeat what went on in my past, and i'm now ready to accept what it was, how it was, what it did to me, how i responded, how i was, what i did, what i believed, what i denied, and i'm done.  it's time to let that go, i've worn it out, i've got new planets to discover, now universes to explore, and present-day symptoms to work on.  i don't want to stay what i was in many respects, but will also give myself credit for all i am, all i have accomplished, and for leading a wonderfully diverse and interesting life, that i'm not finished with yet.  here's to moving beyond the past into the present, enjoying who i am now, what i have now, my struggles and joys, and praying for the strength to keep finding new ways to rid myself of what was so that i can just be.  wow, that sounds incredible to me.  we'll see!  i have only been able to do this w/ your help, and i look forward to more of that as well.  yay, us!

 :cheer: :hug: good luck San all the best to you! :grouphug:

love you, tee, and thanks!   :hug:

Love it! Love you ❤️

thanks, db.  love you right back!   :hug:

i was feeling a bit discombobulated after my decision - my brain was still swirling w/ the confusion and descent i was feeling - so i decided to smudge myself, and that helped.  i found a lovely little smudging prayer that i've been using (into the smoke i release all energies that do not serve me, all negativity that surrounds me, and all fears that do not serve me. so it is.)  i do feel clearer after doing this, energy-wise, altho i feel a bit stoned, too, but that seems relaxing, and my muscles can use that anyway.  all in all, i do believe it's been helping me clear the remains of the past i've been harboring.

it feels good to be going in a different direction w/ all this.  there is some relief.  i can feel the weight of the saying that i am not defined by my past, but i am a product of it.  to me, that keeps the door open to grow and change.  i know that often change is spoken of as something to fear, but in this case, i am welcoming it.  i know i sound all positive now - this has happened before - but i'm gonna ride this wave till i'm beached, then i'll pick up my board and swim out to catch the next wave.  the ocean is relentless that way - there's always a next wave.  just like w/ recovery, right?

Stay positive San! :grouphug:

Hi San,  Beautiful insights and vision after going through so much, working through so much. A big resounding yes, in finding new vision for changing old beliefs.

And yes, recovery is like riding waves--the calm peaceful ones and the resounding crashers. That imagery is right on and your perseverance and self care are inspirational. Thank you for sharing your journey here, as always, your wisdom and self-awareness help me identify and own my own.

Peace to you. MB

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 15, 2019, 03:59:36 PM
i've got new planets to discover, now universes to explore, and present-day symptoms to work on.  i don't want to stay what i was in many respects, but will also give myself credit for all i am, all i have accomplished, and for leading a wonderfully diverse and interesting life, that i'm not finished with yet.  here's to moving beyond the past into the present, enjoying who i am now, what i have now, my struggles and joys, and praying for the strength to keep finding new ways to rid myself of what was so that i can just be.  wow, that sounds incredible to me.  we'll see!  i have only been able to do this w/ your help, and i look forward to more of that as well.  yay, us!

This is such a great start to your new Journal - so many great insights and future plans, and I would like to wish you the best with this journey forwards.   :hug:

Hope  :)

hey, tee, thanks for the encouragement.  today is a down day, overtired, so not quite as up as i was.  still, that's part of this whole trip.

moonbeam, thank you for your generous thoughts toward me.  so very sweet of you to say all that.  it buoys me up (if i want to keep that water analogy going!).  but it does help give me energy to keep moving forward w/ all this.

thanks, hope, as always, for your support.  you have been an integral part of my recovery for a long time.

today i'm just plain tired, very low energy.  but i want to write about something i realized from another journal, about inner parts.  i've heard many people speak of their inner child, or children of different ages, and never was able to quite connect to that (never really had an ICr, either), but i think that's the alexithymia/autism getting in the way.  still, something pinged for me when i was reading that journal, connecting it to something someone else told me.

i've told myself stories for nearly my whole life to make reality easier to bear, and i believed them at the time.  the first one i remember, i was very young, maybe 3 or 4. i had a favorite doll i went to sleep with every nite - that was her special purpose in my life.  she was mostly made of a rubbery plastic, and the coolness was soothing to me.  one night i went to sleep and she wasn't there.

already, by this time, i'd learned not to ask questions, so i never asked where she was.  i must have been devastated, but to keep that at bay, i told myself that the king of the fairies had come and taken her away, and that's where she was.  for some reason that story allowed me to be ok w/ having her gone.  many, many years later when i was visiting w/ my mother, i finally asked her about it.  she told me that she'd gotten rid of that doll because it had become so gross and worn out.  it pains me to remember this conversation, probably because i still couldn't let her know how horrible it had been for me and to ask her why she never told me, asked me, discussed it with me.

so, i think the storyteller part was born that night, and she kept me safe and sane my entire life.  since i did believe these stories, i told them as if they were true, even if i had no proof.  i'm working on that now, being able to stay in reality no matter what, altho sometimes i still find myself saying the reality to my d, but keeping the story inside my head as something to believe in.

i guess my storyteller is still needed for me, because if i think of the reality of some of these things, i still couldn't bear them to be true.  there's just enough gray area that the story makes sense to me and could be true, and that's what i hang onto.  i don't know if i'll ever not need her, but she's still here, still working her magic for me, and still keeping me safe and sane.  yeah, i still need her.

don't know if i have any other parts like that, cuz i haven't really gone into that aspect very specifically, but i'm grateful to be able to put this into perspective for myself and be ok w/ it.  it's something i don't want to change.  maybe it means i'm living a lie, but i guess that's just what i'm going to do for now.  the other option is too much.  don't really have feelings about it.

I think having a story teller sounds nice San.  I wish I had a way spinning some of the things in my past. It's ok to be alright with the parts that you have. :hug:

thanks for that validation, tee.  i appreciate it.  it's taking a while to reconcile to myself this part of me, but i'll get easier with it as i keep allowing it to just be, without criticism or harsh self-judgment.  your support helps.   :hug:

The thought of a young, innocent, sensitive, lonely little girl waking to find her best friend gone just pierces my heart. Honestly, it brings tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry for this loss of yours, little San.  :hug:

3r, you brought tears to my eyes with what you wrote.  i'm not always fully consciously aware of these kinds of feelings for myself, but to see them from someone else, well, it was quite the emotional experience.  one more time, how do i get the kindness and gentleness and understanding from strangers that i never got before?  this place is a marvelously magical mystery to me.  thank you, my dear.  you mean a lot to me.

i think these underlying experiences must be connected to the tears i cry daily without necessarily having a specific reason for them.  you gave me a specific here that i was never quite in touch with.  there are so many of these now, i don't know that i'll ever stop crying, but i don't resent my tears.  i never cried for what happened when it did - better late than never.  now i think of my tears as holding poison, and they're allowing the poison to leave me at last, so i'm grateful for them.  cleansing.

thank you, again.

today i turned down an invite to go to a bookstore w/ my d and our neighbor.  it's the smile and be social thing, and i just don't have the energy.  she's a lovely woman, and i'm glad for my d that she is having this friend with whom she can actually do things, is close by - she's been longing for someone in the vicinity - all her friends are long distance now -but i'm just too rough to be comfortable for more than a few minutes in lovely peoples' company.  i've been in bars too long, and have spent much of my life w/ others who have also had bar experience.  this woman definitely doesn't.

my d has encouraged me to get involved w/ other seniors, but honestly, i can't see it.  there are so few people with whom i feel comfy.  i'd rather be home now in familiar surroundings.  i don't know.  it's weird.  my d doesn't feel comfy around some of my brand of humor, either, so there are times when i have to watch myself even at home.  some of it is a mom-daughter thing, and i get that.  some of it is just that my experiences were more worldly, i guess would be the term, and that includes the kinds of people who have been in my life as friends. 

so, i'll do some mundane chores today, and i'm ok with it.  it does bring up a bit of loneliness that i work hard to avoid.  don't want to think of myself as lonely. 

Ha ha!
Senior activities?!?!? San! Your spirit isn't the same as your actual age.  Maybe you can do an activity that matches the age you feel inside?

I think staying home is a good idea when you know it's going to be too much and it's not something you will necessarily enjoy.

Love ya!

There's a little business near here where you can create, with guidance, different projects like glazed ceramic plates and such - I wish all of Us could go do a group thing!  :thumbup:

db, you made me laugh!  thanks for that!

3r, i wish we could, too.  that would be so cool and just right.  so many of the spirits here meld together, and i think that's part of the reason the porch has been such a success.   

you two have lifted my spirits this morning - thank you for that.  it's just what i needed.  i was starting to feel so down about not fitting in, and you two came riding up on white horses, reminding me where i do fit.  you're both with me today, and i'm riding alongside you.  yahoo!!!

Hope your day is going better. :hug:

Quote from: Three Roses on July 17, 2019, 11:33:09 PM
The thought of a young, innocent, sensitive, lonely little girl waking to find her best friend gone just pierces my heart. .. I'm so sorry for this loss of yours, little San.  :hug:

:yeahthat:

And to you too Adult San that you still couldn't tell your m how much it had hurt. I so understand that. If you learn at 3 or 4 years old or earlier not to ask questions, then you can't suddenly start as an adult. It takes time and a lot of courage, ime anyway.

:applause: :applause: :applause: for your strength of story-teller to help yourself, even as such a young child! Story-telling is active. You were doing something about your pain rather than succumbing and falling into depression, at least it sounds that way to me. That occurs to me because I did more of the latter.

:hug: :hug:

Hi san, I wanted to pop in and say that I hope you're having a much better day today! Also, I really enjoy smudging and find it very peaceful, it's cool that someone else on here does it too.

:grouphug:

hey, tee, thanks for the well wishes.  i'm doing better today.

blueberry, i truly appreciate your compassion on this.  it's one of my earliest memories of feeling confused (a feeling i've carried with me most of my life), and having to rely on myself to take care of me.  so, i developed a helper, i guess.  she's been with me since.  she'll stay with me always, i think,.  i also think asking questions (i ask a lot of them now) depends on the other person as well.  those who i've somehow feared, i backed away from asking too much or too deep. 

sunflower, thanks for the hugs.  today i am doing better.  and nice to meet a fellow smudger - i've just taken it up again, but it really does help relax me. 

this morning i did more therapy stuff, especially re: my ex and these feelings of hate i have toward him, the intrusive thoughts that bother me and keep me awake and tense.   also working on my root chakra stuff - survival.  what i discovered was a whole bunch of fear of him that i've been carrying.  some of this i knew about in a foggy way, some i could actually experience when i saw his eyes go black w/ rage (those were times i asked questions that were too close to his issues) and i knew i'd better stop - rage is so very very scary!  some of it has been for my d's and his attitude toward them.

at any rate, as i was targeting these hateful feelings, the fear came up.  it surprised me - he isn't anywhere near me - cuz i didn't realize i was so afraid of him even now.  then it occurred to me that we hate what we fear.  i see it all the time in our world with all the 'ism's' going on, but i never connected it to myself.  it made perfect sense to me, tho.  i kept processing while focusing on his name, the hate, the fear until they diminished.  don't know if they're totally gone, but it felt like a bit of peace for at least a little while.

part of this was also connected to my chakra work.  i was looking for the dry retching someone said is connected to a blocked chakra.  in this case, i believe it was connected to my root chakra, all about survival and belonging on earth.  someone else wrote recently about mattering, which struck a chord with me cuz part of this was the realization that i didn't matter.  i'd learned to tolerate, accept, be patient with, and 'make do'.  i believe that's getting cleared up now.

so, two things stuck out for me while doing this - no dry retching this time, and no tears.  that's definitely a first.  whether it's a defense mech. or i really didn't need to cry about it, i'm not sure.  however, while unblocking my chakra, i experienced a muddy, almost tar-like, (metaphorically, it was something i could visualize) substance that oozed from the location of that chakra.  i kept directing it with my hands out my window into the universe.  that must've last about 10 min.  no wonder it had been blocked!  it was full of crapola!!!

i do feel more grounded right now, which is a good feeling, altho rather different for me.  i'll have to see how this settles during the day and over the next few days.  so far, so good.  it's kinda strange, tho, at the same time.  don't quite know how to feel about it.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 15, 2019, 03:59:36 PM
i've got new planets to discover, now universes to explore, and present-day symptoms to work on.  i don't want to stay what i was in many respects, but will also give myself credit for all i am, all i have accomplished, and for leading a wonderfully diverse and interesting life, that i'm not finished with yet.  here's to moving beyond the past into the present, enjoying who i am now, what i have now, my struggles and joys, and praying for the strength to keep finding new ways to rid myself of what was so that i can just be.  wow, that sounds incredible to me. 

:cheer: I wanted to do a flip for joy for you when I read this. I restrained myself, because if I tried, my next post would be from the hospital!

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 16, 2019, 10:14:19 PM
so, i think the storyteller part was born that night, and she kept me safe and sane my entire life.  since i did believe these stories, i told them as if they were true, even if i had no proof.

What a beautiful, creative way to survive.  :hug: I also feel sad about your doll.

notalone, you're wonderful.  i'm glad you didn't end up in the hospital, but thank you for sharing the happiness you feel with me.  you brought a smile to my heart.   and thank you, also, for your emotions for me and my beloved diane doll.  she was so beautiful. 

i feel absolutely obsessed w/ this man, and i don't know quite what else to do.  maybe i just need to keep doing more.  i re-processed some of this hate stuff again, terrible, powerful thoughts came up before my nap triggered by the fact that i'd put 'product' in my hair today.   after i woke up is when i concentrated again on him and hate.  again, it seemed like it diminished.  then i wrote about it to a friend, and my feeling turned to fury!  i was furious w/ the outcome of that trigger, what he'd done yet again to me and my oldest d - he allowed it to happen between us (it's what led to me having to go nc w/ her).

again, writing about this, my chest is tight w/ fury.  maybe these thoughts aren't coming from pain, maybe they are and i'm not aware of the pain, because i can't really feel it, but this rage is real.  he not only cost me the relationship between he and i - we'd been friends since high school, had hung out together then and later, then a marriage of 20 yrs. that's a lot of time, over 50 yrs. of being entwined in each others' lives - but also was integral in finally setting up (in his own way, how he'd done it with me all those years, he now was doing it w/ her) the last blast between she and i.  maybe this has had an element of repressed anger that i wasn't aware of, even tho i've done anger work w/ him in the past.

dang, i can't get rid of this man from my head!!!  my life continues a vein of misery even when i've moved on, cuz for some reason i can't move on from this!!!  i am furious at what he did to both of us - FURIOUS!!!.  i hate him!!!

ack!  will this never end?  my chest is so tight right now.  that's usually a sign of fear in me, but i don't know, connected to this, what i might be afraid of again.  o, i feel like i'm running in circles w/ this, saying the same thing over and over, can't get out of this loop.  i do know that as i was processing, working on this both times today, i did a lot of yawning.  does anyone know what yawning means emotionally/therapeutically?  i've heard it means something, but can't remember what.

ok, settling down.  it was good to get this out.  hopefully this can diminish again and i can be a little stress-free for the rest of the day.  that would be nice.  i'm so frickin' tired of this, i want to scream.  maybe i'll scream into my pillow later.

just did a little research on yawning.  apparently, it can be a means to releasing neg. energy.  that makes sense that while i was processing about my ex, my yawning was nearly constant.  so, glad to know that.  maybe i can yawn my way out of all this.  wouldn't that be nice!

 :hug: peaceful hug San. I've been stuck in loops like that. I hope :yahoo:  yawn your way out of your loop. Good luck. :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 20, 2019, 09:48:39 PM
just did a little research on yawning.  apparently, it can be a means to releasing neg. energy.  that makes sense that while i was processing about my ex, my yawning was nearly constant.  so, glad to know that.  maybe i can yawn my way out of all this.  wouldn't that be nice!

Oh yeah, yawning your way out would be nice!

I'm interested to read what you researched! I'm a big yawner when I'm processing. Something being released, yes, but I didn't realise so specifically that it's neg. energy. Makes a lot of sense though. Here's to yawns :raises glass of water:

hey, tee, thanks for the support and well wishes.  i appreciate them and you.

blueberry, thanks for the well wishes.  i can't remember exactly what i looked up, something about yawning and neg. energy on the internet.  i found there is actual yawning therapy, but that's not what i was interested in, and i found something that had to do w/ energy release.  so, it made sense to me, and when i was processing more about him yesterday, there wasn't as much yawning going on.  the intrusive thoughts have also diminished the past 2 days.  yay!  very glad of that.

so, i think i was able to remove the blockage to my root chakra, and now i'll move on to the next one.  that has to do with sexuality and emotions, and evolves from 6 mos. to 2 yrs.  well, i know my father was very strict w/ me, and i'm sure my emotions were extremely repressed - hence the difficulty w/ the alexithymia most all my life - and the upshot is feeling deprived, especially of touch,  nurturance, and sex.  that totally goes along w/ experiences of my life.  because it is excessive rather than balanced, it's also resulted in dependence issues (altho i've always thought of myself as extremely independent, and i've looked and played the part - however, if i allow myself to admit to this, i can see it, much as i don't want to), and being overly emotional.

so, that's my next goal.  clean that one up, work on balancing it as much as possible.  i don't expect a lifetime of this to be erased, even in a few tries, but i'd like to get it closer to being balanced.  that would be wonderful.  these thoughts/beliefs of being dependent on others has caused me to kind of work at keeping some type of personal resource, especially men, around that i could possible fall back on if i get in trouble.  mostly that has been a pattern for me, flirting, manipulating, squirming my way into their lives, staying too long in unhealthy relationships, always with the hope that they would rescue me if i needed it.

ugh, i hate admitting that, hate writing it down.  oooh, there's some shame coming to the surface about that.  it's a tough one, it feels really mucky and murky to me - a swamp of gunk i've been traversing for so very many years.  from the time i was 16, i think.  it was to combat the idea that my father would put me away from him if i got into 'trouble', send me away, so i didn't have his protection, couldn't rely on him to help me out if i needed him.  in fact, i remember talking to the mr. about protecting me, about being my protector.  well, he didn't and wasn't in the end.  now i rely on my d, and i stay in touch w/ my hub in mex. just in case something happens to her. 

ok, gotta stop. 

 :hug: A hug of shame-remover and put-shame-back-where-it-belongs (your F maybe?).

Quotethese thoughts/beliefs of being dependent on others has caused me to kind of work at keeping some type of personal resource, especially men, around that i could possible fall back on if i get in trouble.  mostly that has been a pattern for me, flirting, manipulating, squirming my way into their lives, staying too long in unhealthy relationships, always with the hope that they would rescue me if i needed it.

I could have written this. It was a real shock when this realization appeared to me in my own life. Up until then, my self-perception was independence and a fiery inner strength. I do possess those, but was dismayed to realize I'd sacrificed my inner Self on the altar of Relationship.

Huge insights. Standing with you as you deal with these "mucky and murky" issues. Wish I could wave a magic wand and make the shame go away.  :hug:

blueberry, thanks for the perfect hug.  right on the money!

a sacrificed inner self on the altar of relationship - what an eloquent way to put that, 3r.  dang, this crapola is tough.  glad you made it thru, tho. 

thanks for the support, notalone.  i wish you could wave that wand, too! 

:grouphug: and much love to you all.

feeling pretty rough.  went thru more 'therapy' today - i'm calling it therapy cuz, even tho i'm w/o a t, i'm still doing the same kind of work.  finding more things out, like 'pseudo-independence' (such as you mentioned, 3r), touch deprivation (babies who aren't touched enough in the right way fail to thrive), constant fear of rejection already at such a young age - i can only imagine what must have happened.  being repressed emotionally, probably physically (playpens were big in those days, and my mom was a clean freak . . .)

anyway, too beat to think much, have to have some time to process all that i've been learning this morning.  mainly, attachment issues, something i've never looked at before for myself.  didn't realize it applied, but now i can't see how it wouldn't.  talk to the child - but that will have to wait.  i can feel tears welling up behind my eyes at the thought of doing that, so i know it's necessary.  not today, tho.  not today.

 :hug: big steps San  :hug:

I hope you have a good night!

thank you, tee - i did have a good nite, and a long, hard nap today.  exhausted.

i have a plan now for tackling some of this.  i know of a t who specializes in attachment issues, and she is a proponent of 'talk to the child'.  i know this can work as i experienced it w/ a friend who also had some counseling background.  we were going thru one of my most distressful memories w/ my parents who did not know how to deal w/ an emot. outburst i had when i was 13 or 14.  i was working on this, regressed to that age (i was already in my 60's) crying, but managed to ask her to tell me what my mom should have said to me, and to put an arm around me.  she did that, it was heartfelt cuz she recognized my regression, and the results were remarkable.

this was an issue i'd worked on w/ others along the way, including an emdr t (who i found cold and insensitive, so i didn't really get results), and having her talk to me (the child, as if i were back to being that child) the way i'd needed my mom to do at the time worked wonders.  that issue, while i still remember it, no longer packs the punch it used to.  it's just a memory now.  so, when i'm feeling better, i'm going to sit down and be each of my parents in turn, and begin when i was the cut up newborn, all bloody and bruised, and say to her/me what i'd needed each of them to say and do at the time.  but not today.  i'm excited for this, tho.  i think it's a big part of what i've been missing.

That sounds like a great idea.

I wonder if something like that might work for me? I might try talking to my T about something like that.  We are currently to the point that I'm struggling with the voices in my head mostly from my mom's early hatred towards me whenever I was in her way out not perfect.  Which means I'm struggling with my self concept.

Sorry didn't mean write so much on your feed. Hugs good luck! :hug:

Sounds like this can be big healing steps. Take your time. I wish I could stand with you as you lovingly parent different parts/ages. In my heart I am with you and for you.

Wow, San, you've got a great plan and I'm excited to hear the outcome!  :yes:

hey, tee, it might be something to talk to your t about.  it has helped for me, and i'm fully believing it's going to help again.  best to you with this.  by the by, i didn't think you took up too much space.  i'm just glad you were able to find something in what i wrote that might be useful to you.  that's what we're here for, right?   :hug:

notalone, just the words you write, the wishes you sent means that you will be standing with me.  when i finally take the first step with this, i will imagine you right next to me.  thank you so much for that support.   :hug:

thanks, 3r, for that support and validation.  i'm excited, too.  i'll let you know how it works out.   :hug:

yesterday, as i was contemplating this next step, i realized that i felt rather scooped out inside, that i'm ridding my 'self' of a lot of muck in which i've been stuck, and for a second was at a loss as to how to fill it.  today, i don't really feel that way so much.  i think that it has simply left room for the healthier parts of me to spread out, feel their fullness, so to speak.  i think someone else spoke of that recently, not knowing what to fill themselves w/ once the neg. stuff is gone.

i just recalled someone who was dealing w/ narc abuse saying that as her recovery grew, so did the light within, a lightness of being.  maybe that's what i'm experiencing, or something to that effect.  it would be great, i think.  not sure cuz i've been so weighed down for so long, i don't really know how something different than that might feel in the long run.  so far, it feels good.  i'll take it and i want to work on getting more of that.

i believe i'm going to go along w/ this 're-parenting' thing (altho i didn't think of it that way) along the timeline of these chakras.  the first one is all about birth to 6 mos.  well, i was physically injured pre-birth, but i know what my parents told me about it.  actually, my mom just told me the facts as she'd heard them cuz she was knocked out in the delivery room, so she never even saw me until later.  my dad just repeatedly told me over the years that i was the ugliest baby he'd ever seen.

so, i'm going to do them separately, holding that newborn in my arms visually, and tell her what she needed to hear, hold her like she'd needed to be held.  wow, no wonder every time i'd see images/commercials/movies whatever about parents and children i'd start bawling my eyes out.  old wounds die hard, even tho these were all pre-verbal.  they made a huge impact nonetheless.  i believe it will be healing.  i'm both dreading and looking forward to doing this.  i didn't even do this with my own babies.

Hugs baby cuddles are the best love your baby self. :hug:

I feel honored that you would picture me with you as you hold and nurture the parts/ages. Your words to others on this site are so encouraging and loving. Without a doubt, you have the love within you to embrace all within. I am looking forward to hearing about this part of your journey.  :hug:

tee, thanks for that encouragement.  i'm not a baby person, so this stuff is not my forte.  i know i'll have to go outside my comfort zone on this, but i have gotten so much caring and compassion from everyone here that i will bring that all in and then let it flow out to the baby i'll have in my arms.   :hug:

notalone, when i had to leave mexico, it was one of the most difficult things i've ever done.  i was so scared, so sad, so devastated to be leaving my hub and the country i ran to for safety 16 yrs. before . . . and the one thing that helped me as we crossed that border was visualizing all the beautiful people here, watching me, walking along with the car.  i could see them all in a group, walking and watching me anxiously, and i drew strength from them.  they got me back to the states w/ my sanity intact.

i am honored that you want to be one of that group for me, for i'll need all of you again.  this will be another major transition in my life, and i so appreciate all the strength you all will give me.  thank you for being part of my support group.   :hug:

i won't be doing this till next week - we are getting our neighbor's car for a month, and have lots of plans for this weekend.  with all of you surrounding me, especially as i comfort that poor baby me, i'll get through it with flying colors.  i know you all will help give me the words and feelings that i need to impart to her.  already tears are springing to my eyes just thinking about how loved and comforted she will feel from my mom, and how beautiful she will feel from my dad as i take on those roles.  wow - i'm being filled w/ energy as i speak.  i'm looking forward to it.

 :hug:

San - I made a box for you and sat it on the Healing Porch - in it you'll find all baby necessities, everything you can imagine you'll need for this baby. There's a hand made quilt there, too! And one for you as well. The porch swing's springs have been oiled so they won't creak and the rocking chair has been polished. If the Porch isn't the right setting for this exercise, please feel free to "take" all these things to the setting of your choice.

Warmth and light to you, and an embrace filled with motherly inspirations. 💗

tee, thanks for the hug.  i'm feeling surrounded w/ care and love.

3r, you are so thoughtful and sweet, it fills my heart to bursting.  i thought about doing this on the porch, and i believe you're right - it will be the perfect place to do this.  you will all be there w/ encouragement, words when i falter, suggestions when i get confused.  it's right and good that i get help w/ this.  i was in terrible post-partum dep.  w/ my own 2 girls, never had a chance to do this for them.  at least i can do it for me, help myself.  brings up a lot of sadness, tho.

still, the quilts are so beautiful, i can't believe it!  for the baby, it will have numbers, letters, and animals and birds on it, each in their own little square.  for my mother, it will be autumn colors - she liked browns, oranges - and for my father it will be primary colors - he was a colorful, charismatic man.  thank you so much for everything.

so, i don't know for sure when i'll get started on this - possible later today, possibly wait till mon.  but i feel quite a bit more prepared for writing about this, getting these responses, knowing that i'm not alone when i do this.  i think it will be remarkable and help quite a bit in shifting a lot of dysfunctional perspectives and behaviors that have plagued me since i was born.  baby steps couldn't be more appropriate w/ this. 

When my babies were just born I was given a frame box that came with a dough to put thier foot print in.  They were so small I did both a hand and a foot.  Then below there was room for a picture. I have both still hanging in my house to remember how small and sweet they were.  That's my baby gift for baby San don't forget to count the fingers and toes and tell her how perfect she is. :hug:

o, tee, thank you for that suggestion!  it's wonderful!  i so appreciate it.  you brought tears to my eyes thinking about telling her how perfect she was.  i don't remember anything like that from my M, and my F only told me how ugly i was cuz of the wound and probably black and blue eye and swelling.  but, you're right, i was perfect anyway - just physically hurt, which needed gentle care and comfort remembering that rather than mocking, even if he was trying to be playful.  i'm definitely going to include 'perfect' from both of them, each in their turn.  thank you again, sweetie.  i love it, love you.   :hug:

 :hug: I love babies. Holding them always calm me down. All babies are precious. I can't wait to see you on the porch.  I hope you'll let me hold and love on baby San too. :hug:

My gift to baby San is a baby book, because each moment and detail of her beginnings is precious and important. Taking care of a baby can be tiring. If you need a break, I will be very happy to take a turn holding and walking (it seems they always want to be walked!) baby Sans.

o my heart and soul - i am just drinking all this love and caring for baby me in, and it's filling me up in such an unexpected way.  i never thought i'd get these responses.  tee and notalone, thank you from the bottom of my heart.  yes, of course, i'll let you hold her - this is blowing me away!  in the very best of ways,

tee, your loving this baby me is so wonderful, i can't describe this feeling!  i've never wanted to hold babies - my own babies were like chores to me.  honestly, they were my responsibility, and i felt a ferocious love toward them, but i didn't really like them - the responsibility was too much!  i knew i wasn't really fit to be a mother, as in i didn't have the wherewithal to do so joyfully.  even while pregnant, i did what i could, but the babies inside me were passengers along the road of my own life, and i didn't have much other feelings toward them. 

my alexithymia and borderline autism and the p/p depression, i believe, worked against those feelings of happiness and joy that 'normal' mothers have.  the day i found out i was pregnant the first time, when i told my hub (our marriage was already on the rocks), i also told him that it was the worst day of my life, and i was calling the next day to get an abortion.  i knew my marriage wasn't going to last, and that i couldn't be a mother on my own.  he begged me not to, but bailed when i was 7 1/2 mos. pregnant.  i had to go live w/ a girlfriend in another state, have the baby w/ her as my coach.

second baby, different hub, but he was no partner, either, and the responsibility fell totally on me.  he admitted that he'd checked out and left me to do the parenting on my own.  speaking of what i want to say, how i want to feel toward baby me, and the support and suggestions i'm getting is like walking into a foreign country.  i barely understand this language!   i've never liked babies, altho i love them fiercely, did what needed to be done to keep them safe, etc., but i don't have a clue as to what you all are telling me.

notalone, a baby book - what a lovely idea!  i never saw one for me.  i will include pictures and thoughts for those first 6 mos. of my life they way they should have been recorded and believed.  and, yes, you're welcome to hold her, too.  that would be wonderful!  thank you so much.

i'm aghast at this.  i never expected this, but it's filling my heart in a way i've never known.  i have to leave this now - it's almost too much, but i wouldn't trade it for the world.  love and hugs all over the place.  you all are putting something into me that's never been there before.  who says words can't cause healing?     :grouphug:

 :hug:

 :grouphug:

I'm happy to hold Baby san too, if you need a break, san, and notalone is not around. Have a lot of experience in doing healing work holding Baby Blueberry and Little Blueberries as well as holding other people's Babies and Littles, also with being held and played with and comforted.

Also happy to sing some lullabies to Baby san. Even real life babies react well to my lullabies.  :hug:

Awww this so lovely you guys. I'm only just seeing this all cuz I've been so busy.

Can I hold baby San for a bit? When my son was a baby I would run my finger under his chin and it always made him smile.

I will rock baby San and read to her too.  We loved goodnight moon so much.   :hug: to you San and baby San

tee and notalone, thanks for the hugs.  i'm using all these hugs to get myself ready.  if things are right for it, i'll do it today.

blueberry, thank you so much - of course you can hold her.  and i think singing to her would be wonderful.  i can picture you doing this, and it feels very special.

db, thank you, too, and, absolutely you can hold her, too.  i can see you run your finger under her chin - i think she'd like that, and would smile for you as well.

you are all being so wonderful about this.  i will surround myself w/ you, knowing i'm not alone as i take on my parents' presences and give my baby me what she needed when she was born from each of my parents.  this is going to be glorious, and i so appreciate all the help everyone here is giving me, all the support, all the caring and acceptance.  this is a healing space, indeed.  i'll keep you updated as soon as i'm able.   :grouphug:

 :hug:

thanks for the hug of support, tee.  so appreciated, especially since i'm getting more nervous about doing this.  it feels like this is going to change a great part of my life perspective, perceptions, personal worldview - huge!!!

i've been thinking of this as a re-birthing, but that's not quite feeling right.  i actually did a re-birthing exercise one weekend, and i've heard a lot about re-birthing in a new age kind of way.  this doesn't feel like that at all.

instead, i believe i'm taking my power as an adult and rewriting the script that was given me for those first 6 mos. of my life.  that sounds and feels more accurate, but i'm scared gritless!  we'll see if later i'll be able to do this.  it feels important to me that i do both my parents, have each one speak to me the way i needed them to speak to me, look into my eyes as their precious, beautiful child, in order to let me know that no matter what i looked like when i was born, i was still wanted, still accepted, just the way i was.

man alive, this feels way bigger now than when i first began thinking about it. 

Did you see behealthy's post earlier today?  It made me think of you. And kind of what's going on with me right now too. The reparenting growing up again.  You can do it I wish I could hold baby San maybe that would calm my screaming littles. :hug:

tee. baby san is right there for you to hold.  feel free.  i just still need to become my parents and talk to her, but she's always there, and she'd love to be held by you.   :hug:

i am raw now, my face soaked w/ tears.  it was as if as soon as i told tee that baby san was there for her, that was the moment of her birth, and i became my parents, back and forth in turn, rocking her, passing her back and forth for my M and F to hold her and tell her everything she'd not heard before, especially that she was beautiful even if her face was a mess, and that they'd always be there for her when she cried.

my mother stood up to my father, told him that she didn't care what anyone said about spoiling her if she cried and was picked up, she was going to do it anyway, and she didn't want to hear anything like that from him cuz she'd ignore him.  she was basically defying him right from the start, letting him know that this baby needed gentle care always, and comfort when she cried.  my mother took over nurturing this baby me, and it was right and good.  there was too much talk about 'spoiling' babies back in those days, and she was having none of it.

and when they were both able to say what was needed to be heard by this baby me, i held her out to all of you, wrapped in that beautiful quilt, out there on the porch.  you were singing softly and sweetly, and each of you touched her, held her, so gently and lovingly, so preciously, and you passed her from one to the other, touching her cheek, smiling at her, and i counted thru the months so she aged to 6 mos. and you were all there, and she began holding onto your fingers and smiling and gurgling at you all. 

then you handed her back to me, and i now have a gigantic hole in my gut.  i don't know what that means right now, but newborn baby me has been cherished by both her parents and all of you.  thank you for being w/ me during this experience.  you gave me the strength and the gifts to know what to do and say.  there may be more, i'm not sure, but this was a swell start.  love to everyone.  this baby has been blessed.

 :hug: thank you for letting me hold her. I'm so proud of you. :applause: I wish I could give you a real hug. Trying to find away to calm my IC. Holding baby San helped thank you she is precious. Can't wait to hear as she starts to grow. :hug:

Thank you for your care for me today it means so much. :hug:

Wow San. My heart is swelling with the love you have shared and allowed to be shared. The beauty and grace in your post is deeply moving. She is the most beautiful baby San and she is safe, protected, adored and honored. May she continue to grow and thrive in this new light, this new truth, for this is the truth. She is loved, as are you.

:hug: MB

Wiping away my tears. I am so proud of you. Thank you for the profound privilege of allowing me to be a part of this and the joy of holding baby San. She is beautiful, precious and loved; and so are you.

thank you everyone for your kind words and well wishes.   :grouphug:

i'm too upset today about a financial matter - dang, i'm so sick of being poor and dealing w/ this crapola! - to write much.  my d will help me, but till it gets fixed, i'm pretty much a mess.

all the baby stuff, tho, is great.  this is outside that.

 :hug: San

Quote from: notalone on July 29, 2019, 11:09:20 PM
Thank you for the profound privilege of allowing me to be a part of this and the joy of holding baby San. She is beautiful, precious and loved; and so are you.

:yeahthat:  And also thank you for writing so much about how it all evolved. I can almost picture us all there for you and baby san. Maybe we're on a safe, cosy part of the Healing Porch.

It sounds as if you did a whole lot of healing within a really short time. Both parents acting the way little san needed - wowser bowser!

thanks for the hug, tee.  always lovin' that.

you know, blueberry, it just seemed to flow.  the healing porch was just the perfect place to be surrounded by everyone for me.  i do believe a lot of healing took place.  in my mind, i think i knew that, because it was a birth, both my parents had to be present and doing what i needed as a baby or i'd feel lopsided, unbalanced somehow.   i was able to feel everyone standing around me - it was great - just like i was able to picture everyone walking along when i left mex.   i couldn't have done it w/o everyone here.  once again, this may be a virtual community, but i've found tangible results through it. 

feeling better today.  more stable w/in myself.  i'm looking forward to working on the next stage, but want to give my brain a bit of a break, just let it re-group.  there is a lot of stuff in the next stage - 6-18 mos. - that i can't remember personally, so i can only conjecture.  the big clue i have is that my mom told me that when my sister was born (i was 22 mos. old), she asked my dad to go easier on her.  i can only imagine what that truly means, but i know from growing up he was very strict, and i was living in fear of him rejecting me from an early age.  so, what could he have possible said to a baby less than 2 yrs. old?  the mind reels w/ possibilities.

but, not yet.  gotta take a break.  my parents will come through, tho, i'm sure of that.  in the past, i've already envisioned them, spoke to them (they've been dead many many years), did some healing that way w/ them, but this will be much more personal and intense.  gotta gear up for it.  warrior spirit to the fore!

Just read your last few journal entries and I'm moved to tears. Rock on, you beautiful earth mother!

thanks, 3r.  the quilt you contributed was so soft and comforting to the baby, and it was what she was wrapped in when passed around to all of you.  thank you - it was perfect. 

Hello darling.
I am sorry that I am in no state of mind to be able to read back through your journal and keep up with what's been going on in your life.
But I wanted you to know I am thinking of you, and that I apprechiate so much the support you have continously given me. Even when I've been away for so long.
You are a wonderful spirit, so beautiful. Thank you for being you.
:hug:

San,

Sounds like a good idea to give yourself a bit of a rest before going on to the next stage. My mind immediately jumped to babies/toddlers and what they are doing and needing at that stage. Well, won't say more until you are ready to go there.

Agreed. Wow! that is some amazing, deep work you are doing San.  You are brave and powerful.  Thank you for sharing your healing journey here.   :hug:

hey, sceal, i'm glad you're taking care of yourself.  just showing up is a lot, means a lot to me, and i thank you for your support and kindness.

notalone, i will definitely call upon your knowledge of babies/toddlers when i'm ready.  i've got some chakra work and brainspotting to do first, but i'm waiting till at least next week to tackle those.  thank you for your offer of help.  much appreciated.

thanks, mb, for that validation.  i was able to feel my power when i decided to re-script.  it was quite the amazing feeling!

today i'm taking the day off.  i feel like i've pushed myself to the edge, and i don't want to go over it.  so, a laid-back day today.  i'm looking forward to taking the next step w/ all this, but it'll have to wait.  maybe some tennis and knitting today, do something completely different but relaxing.  plus, the rain gave me a break from walking, so it was a sign to me, and i was glad of it.  it sounds pretty, tho. 

 :hug: yes rest you deserve it

thank you, tee.  your support is always welcome.

have been resting, which is why i haven't been here lately.  too much thinking about issues, mine and others, can take its toll.  i'm hoping to get started on my next phase of re-scripting tomorrow.

this will entail the second chakra, which involves dependence, independence, sexuality, emotions the right to feel and to want.  it's the age between 6 mos. and 2 yrs. (my life changed drastically at 22 mos. when my sister was born).  mine is excessive, which includes sex/pleasure addiction, excessively strong emotions, oversensitive, poor boundaries, and emot. dependency, among others.  i have seen all these in myself; i've been very much a 'me' person.

i can only suspect the cause of this, the trauma behind these traits. it's suggesting that emot. abuse (i'll include emotional neglect in there), coldness, rejection, denial of my feeling states, emot. manipulation, too much playpen or restraint (i totally believe this - my M was a clean freak), and a trait i find very interesting - inherited issues, meaning that i absorbed the issues of my parents that had not been resolved.  both of them were from alc. families, so i know there was a lot that was never processed about that.

those will be what i'll be targeting during the week.  i've already been working on balancing this energy.  i can already see a decline in my craving to read what others here have written about my responses, get that acknowledgment and validation - those 2 have gone hand in hand for me.   again, since this is before my memory, it will be guesswork, but i think i've gotten a lot of clues from my research to put these pieces together.  i think a lot of my fierce need for independence has come directly from this - i believe i was both emotionally and physically restrained (i remember the wooden playpen handed down by my M to use for my girls.  i never did). 

for today, more rest.  it was a busy weekend that included other processing w/ my d.  always difficult to take a step back and look at how i might be perpetuating something unhealthy or uncomfortable in a relationship.  as sunflower says, baby steps.  ugh! 
6

Hurray for rest! It's on the top of the list for me today!
:boogie:

Sanmagic,

Glad you are getting rest today.

Some thoughts came to me as I read your post. I don't want this to interfere with your rest. Also, as always, if it doesn't fit for you, disregard. From the time my children could crawl, through when they were toddling and onward, I spent a great deal of time following them and keeping them safe. It is such an age of exploration. Everything gets looked at, touched, put into the mouth; and then on to the next item. At those ages, the child makes brief journeys away from mom or dad, but will look back to make sure they are still nearby. The thought popped into my head of you preparing a room where everything from the floor to about three feet up was safe. A room with safe things on the floor to explore. (tupperware is great, safe fun for babies) You have a strong sense of what you need. Keep following your heart and your instincts. You are doing brave, hard, creative work in your healing journey.

 :hug: let me know if little San needs a finger to hold as she toddles around.  Here for you in whatever you need my friend.

hey, 3r - hope you got the rest you wanted/needed.  i did, too!   :cheer:   :hug:

notalone, thanks for that suggestions :hug:.  i do remember providing a child-proof home for my own babies, so it was good to have that reiterated for me.  thanks for the vote of support and the validation for what i'm doing - i appreciate it.  :hug:

tee, i'm sure little san would love to grab hold of your finger as she's toddling around.  i don't think she got enough of that.  thank you.   :hug:

did the energy work and brainspotting this morning.  it was huge, and i yawned several times at the end, so i also smudged to get rid of the neg. energy hanging around, and wafted it out the window.  i targeted being able to know, have, and hold my boundaries, feeling unrestricted both physically and emotionally, and knowing that i have enough.  boundary issues have been so big in my life, as in i've had very few boundaries, didn't even know what they were or should be! 

restrictions - i absolutely bridle when someone tells me i 'can't' do something.  now i suspect this is where this comes from, as i believe i was severely restricted as a child.  my tendency to be over-emotional most likely has its source here, and makes sense when i think of not being able to express emotions appropriately.  instead of being able to say i'm angry about something, i will tend to revert to name-calling (not to someone's face - i don't think that's respectful, but while driving or out of earshot.  it's bothered my d, and we've had conversations about that)

because this chakra has been excessive, it makes sense that i've been over the top with things like this.  also traveling, moving, wanting more, always wanting to be included, not wanting to miss out on anything, feeling hurt if i'm not invited along.  so, one of the phrases i targeted to cement within me is 'i have enough'.  that feels strange to believe right now, but it is in there where it hasn't been before.  i believe it's a good thing.

boundaries - well that's a big one for a lot of us.  having boundaries stepped on, ignored, denied - whoa, i just flashed on umpteen million docs that i've seen who have done that to me.   not even knowing that boundaries are important, that i don't have to kowtow to another's wishes all the time, that my sense of being, of who i am and what's important for me is important, period.  self-nurturing was in there, too, or lack of it.  i think it's part of the boundary system.  nurturing myself, speaking up for myself, knowing myself, and doing what's important to continually move toward my true self all fits here.

this is also the second chakra which, along with the first, has to do w/ low back pain and intestinal issues.  have suffered from that an awful lot for many years.  i'm hoping this clearing and cleansing will help with that.  i may have to work on these two areas more specifically before i go on to the next chakra. 

there are so many basic values of self contained here.  i think i'll be wise to revisit this before i do the actual re-scripting.  i want to release as much as possible what has been standing in my way of being me.  addressing the traumas that go along with this phase of my life will help - at least that's what i believe.  right now i'm feeling a bit drugged, woozy.  there was a lot to get rid of this morning, and to reprocess.  we'll see how  the day goes. 

wow - self-nurture as a priority, boundaries as a right, and unrestricted physical and emotional movement.  i've been a 'me, first' gal for a long, long time.  now, perhaps, i can place that in it's rightful arena, and balance it somewhat, be able to think of others as well.  i haven't done that a lot.  ok, time to rest again, let this all sink in and process.  it feels extraordinary.

Big hug San :hug:

thanks, tee.  it feels good right now!

Great stuff! Will be waiting to hear further developments!

thanks, 3r, for the encouragement.  more will be forthcoming as i can manage it. 

hope you got some rest.   :hug:

next phase was this morning.  there's some core issues here i wasn't aware of, and this will go more slowly than i thought.  this is 6 mos. - 2 yrs., a time when i believe i was severely restricted both physically and emotionally.  what i discovered this morning as i was brainspotting, focusing on installing 'i am enough' was i hole in my gut (chakra 2), lots of negativity there (i've suffered with IBS for many years - lots of irregularities there) and the idea that this was already where i had the unrealistic expectations foisted upon me to be perfect.

i believe most of this came from my F, with my M invisible - i could not feel her presence.  i yawned a lot while doing the processing, another sign of neg. energy, and i cupped my hands over my gut - it seemed they kept filling up w/ toxicity, negativity, and just gunk.  i had to repeatedly empty them toward the open window, let all that go to the universe.  i'm convinced this is where my 'being perfect' originated.  my hands also became full of neg. energy, and i washed them afterward, let it go down the drain.

the idea that i am enough, altho i've given lip service to it for many, many years, and have repeated those words to others, is foreign territory.  as i sit here writing this i feel a bit woozy (altho i did smudge myself afterward to release neg., fears, and expectations that didn't belong to me) with the idea that such a hardened expectation, and so unattainable, was built into the fabric of my being from such a young age.  the fabric of my being conjures up the picture of woven cloth that is now unraveling.  yeah, i kind of feel a bit unraveled right now.  very strange.

i'll have to sit with this for a bit, let it settle in.  to not be perfect and be ok with that on a fundamental level is almost incomprehensible to me right now.  there's a loss i feel, but it doesn't feel like i need to grieve it.  rather, it feels like something to rejoice about.  could this really be true?  that i am enough?  strange concept.

the other part of this this morning was the idea that i have enough.  that soon got overshadowed, however, so i'll probably have to revisit that.  writing it here will be a reminder that it needs to be addressed later, possibly this week.

so, this was unexpected.  i thought i needed to go in one direction, and i ended up somewhere else completely.  my gut still feels rather empty, but in a good, comfortable way, like a lot of bloat is gone.  it feels like i'm getting some guidance from somewhere - i did think of my 'magic' stone, tho, and i am trusting the magic.  i do believe this is taking me to where i need to go.  i just want to stay out of my own way and let it flow.  flow is a good word for this - lol!

 :hug: I am so proud of you San and you are so enough!  I'm so glad that you are starting to believe that for yourself. :hug:

I'm here sitting with you, and will play with little San and love on her to build her self worth up because she and you deserve it. :grouphug:

tee, that is so sweet!  your belief in me gives me strength to keep on with this.  it's harder than i thought it would be.  thank you so much for all your support.  love and hugs, sweetie.

You are more than enough.  :hug:

thanks, notalone.  it's amazing to me to find what i believe to be the root of this perfectionism stuff of mine.  to be able to look back on that part of my life, even tho i don't remember it, but i can see it happening in my mind's eye.  my F wasn't a kid person, so i can totally see him wanting a tiny child to be perfect and not interrupt the adults in their work of being adults.  that just triggered the thought of not putting anyone else out w/ my needs/wants.  whoo-boy, more connections.  it's even more than putting others first - it's not getting in their way, not slowing their flow, tolerating, accepting that they must come first.  they matter more, are more important. 

so, now this just blammed out into the open when i didn't expect it.  more to target.  little by little - but all these little pieces are important.  hence the terms that every step counts, no matter how small.  they've all added something to our perspective of ourselves.  unraveling them, re-wiring our neural connections, yeah, piece by piece.  it'll happen.   thanks, notalone.  you helped me move forward that much more.   :hug:

I am so proud of you. You are doing amazing brave work in a creative way.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on August 07, 2019, 10:34:53 PM
so, now this just blammed out into the open when i didn't expect it.  more to target.  little by little - but all these little pieces are important.  hence the terms that every step counts, no matter how small.  they've all added something to our perspective of ourselves.  unraveling them, re-wiring our neural connections, yeah, piece by piece.  it'll happen.

San you are amazing, doing amazing, inspirational work. Yeah, piece by piece. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.  :hug:

QuoteSan you are amazing, doing amazing, inspirational work. Yeah, piece by piece. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.  :hug:

Don't have enough energy to say more than :yeahthat:

notalone, thank you for expressing that personal pride for me.  i wanted my entire life to hear that from my dad, never happened.  now there are strangers who can shower me with that.  it's something very special.  there is so much little girl left wanting inside of me, it's incredible to think of it.  that will definitely be something i'm going to include while i'm re-scripting for toddler me.  thanks for that, for that idea, too.  i wouldn't have thought of it, i don't think, except that you wrote those words and they hit me like this today. 

moonbeam, thank you for those kind and caring words/thoughts.  i guess i do have some wisdom - i've lived long enough to accrue a bit - but i never would have attached that to what i've been sharing lately.  this just feels personal, like i'm fighting my way out of a cocoon that's been tightly wrapped around me forever.  i know that people talk about swaddling babies, but the thought of that seems to go against my spirit.  it seems so restrictive to me, and i've been restricted long enough.

i know the swaddling thing is supposed to make a baby feel safe and secure.  emotional swaddling just feels repressive.

3r, thank you.  you said more than enough, and, as always, your support is appreciated.  i know you're going thru a lot lately, so i know what this might have cost you.  riches beyond my dreams.

i swear, i have never had finer people in my life.  this place is magic.

i began the re-scripting process this morning.  it was for 6 mos. to 2 yrs.  i chose to do it on the portch, in the cabin where it was safe for toddler me to crawl around and eventually walk around, that space was safe and there were lots of chairs and the couch to crawl up on, plenty of space to explore.  and when my M was with me, she told me that i was no bother, that she was glad i was in her life, that she didn't care if i was sad or mad or happy and that she never wanted me to be in pain.  and we laughed together, and she told me the house was clean enough, that she'd rather be spending time with me.

and my F took me to the beach, told me i was his little girl, that i was beautiful, that he was so glad i was there and that he'd never leave me no matter what, no matter how i felt, he'd always protect me and i never had to be afraid he'd leave me.  and we played in the sand together, and had fun, and he sat me down at the edge, and i got scared when a wave hit me, and he picked me up and put me in his lap, told me he had me, i was ok and safe, and eventually i was able to sit by the water again and a little wave came and i wasn't scared.

and my sister was born when i was 22 mos. old, and my mom shared her with me, asked me if i would help her, that this was someone else we would all love, and that sometimes the baby would need extra time, but she'd make sure she still had time for me and she held us together in her arms, crooned over us, her 2 little girls, how beautiful we were.  and she was happy and smiling.  and my F also held us together and told us how beautiful we both were and that he loved us.

then she disappeared and my F told me how proud he was of me, how beautiful i was, how glad i was in his life, and what a beautiful family he had.  and my M was also happy to be with me and told me again i wasn't a bother, and she spoke in a very sweet voice to me, very different.  and then i brought toddler me out to the porch and gave her to all of you just to hold her, walk w/ her, give her a finger to toddle along w/, let her be with kind, loving people who were glad she was there.

then i did a little finishing emdr thing, and i'm finished for today, but i don't feel totally finished, so i may do this again tomorrow.  i don't feel fully integrated yet, and i'm not sure why.  i'll be reading stuff over today to see how i can bridge that gap, but this felt like a good start.  and if toddler me could speak, she'd say - i'm a happy child.

i know there's more there, just don't know quite how to get to it.  if anyone has a thought about it, please, iit would be greatly appreciated.  i'm drawing a blank right now.  but, i think it was a good start.

I felt warmth in my heart toward you as I read your post. Both E and I are so happy that we got to spend time with Toddler. (E wants to reassure you that she is big enough to keep little things away from toddlers.) I feel extremely privileged to be a part of this tender, extremely significant process.

Hugs :hug: San that was amazing it was so much fun watching you toddle around, and hold your her finger while she walked around. 

So just because I'm going through school again and it's fresh on my mind. Have you heard of Erickson? And his theory of psychosocial development?  Well anyway. The first stage in infancy is trust versus mistrust.  In toddlers it's autonomy versus shame and doubt.  So I don't know if this help you with what you may still need to work on, in my mind this a huge area.

Is it safe to explore the world and become a person? Or do we second guess ourselves and have look over shoulders?  As a toddler we look over or shoulders for reassurance that its ok and things are safe.  Are we going to get in trouble or yelled at for touching this?  I've seen so many littles testing the waters to see if they will get in trouble or if it's ok. I hope that makes sense.

I'm going to leave you with this quote that I saw yesterday on a piece of art and it's my hope for my daughter and think it would be great for little San too.  " Have only one rule: Be your wild, courageous, brilliant self every single day. No matter what.  May you never fail to express all the wild and wounderous things you are.".  :hug:

tee, how wonderful of you!  everything made perfect sense!  i do know erikson, but i forgot the different levels of psychosocial development.  this fits in perfectly, and may be the piece i'm missing.  i don't think i took the exploring piece far enough, didn't have enough encouragement from my folks, so it would fit in here just right.  i'll have another go tomorrow morning and include this.  never thought of the shame part, or the doubtfulness, either, but i think both of those are huge for me.

i can't tell you how much i appreciate this from you.  and, i absolutely LOVE the quote.  i think i lived my life like that, but i think it was more a rebellion thing rather than an autonomous dynamic.  so, i believe there's a missing piece there as well.  i think it needs to have been inserted by them into my perspective of me in order that it became part of my being, rather than a reaction dynamic to their lack of emotion about me.  thank you so much - this is so helpful.

if there are any more insights, please, feel free.  i liked doing this on the porch, in the area where i did set up a cabin, and we have the beach right there.  i also thought it was a good place for anyone from here who wanted to be part of this to gather, even for a little bit, to interact w/ little me.  it's a place i can picture all of you.  i wanted tactile and social stimulation of all kinds, plus the sounds and smells of nature.  wild and wondrous, indeed!   :hug:

 :hug: my thoughts and love are with you San. :grouphug:

Only one thing occurred to me, and that is your toddler self is exceptionally well behaved. If toddler San fell and hurt herself or had a melt down, as is normal for toddlers, it would give your M and F a chance to prove themselves trustworthy - does that fit with your beliefs how this should transpire? But, it's just a thought and maybe not something you want to do at this point....  :Idunno:

thanks, tee.  very appreciated.  i'm absorbing all the good stuff i can.  :hug:

3r, that's brilliant!  not only trustworthy, as in they have my back, but also that they aren't making it my fault in any way, not making me feel guilty for not watching where i was going, no name-calling, and no shaming.  that all fits in perfectly.  thank you so much for that observation.   :hug:

 :hug:  :thumbup:

i'm struggling this morning.  i've had some great suggestions, but i'm at a dead stop. 

first, i can't imagine being a normal kid w/ meltdowns  and being 'bad'.  now, i know that babies/toddlers can't be bad, so i must've picked up that idea somewhere along the way.  still, i was such a good little girl that i can't imagine being anything but that, even tho it would be natural.  i must've been so repressed and restricted that it feels like i came out already being 'good' in every way possible - i'd never refuse to eat my peas, never get into something i wasn't supposed to, yet i'm sure i must have. 

the other thing i'm struggling with is the idea of them enjoying me at that age.  from what i know of me as a kid, i was smart and precocious, a natural leader, but since i never felt enjoyment w/ my own 2 babies, i don't know how to even express that.  i like things, i can enjoy seeing and doing and experiencing things, i can even enjoy people.  but babies, no.  i stay away from them if at all possible, and i don't understand these sentiments people here have expressed as to wanting to hold baby me and the like.  that's been deadened somewhere, and i don't know how to or if i can find it.

therefore, i don't know what it would look or feel like if i were doing the re-scripting from my parents' perspective.  right now i just feel muddled, at a standstill, and don't know how to move forward with this.  i'm also disappointed cuz i was planning to do this part today, but i can't see it right now. 

dang, i hate this crap.  i want to cry.

My kids at this age loved playing peek-a-boo! The would hide behind the couch and pop Thier little head out and say peeaboo and the just giggle at themselves over and over for, cause we would act scared or go where did they go when they hid. And so there you when they would pop out. 

The would do the same with putting a blanket over those head sitting in the middle of the floor but they couldn't see you you could see them.

Then when we were done play we would scoop them up in our arms and tickle that bellies and hug and kiss all over them and they would kids laugh.

You don't have to picture yourself being bad.  But you could picture yourself falling as your learning to walk and the reaction of your parents comforting you.  Little kids this age typically through did out of frustration when they can't communicate. My son never really through did cause at a very young age he was able to sign and speak so he communicated what he wanted. Don't beat yourself up on this journey.  You are doing great.  Go pick some flowers with your little self or play peekaboo.  :hug:

Do you feel like you need to do the ages in order? Maybe this is a stage to come back to at another time.

Hi san,

I've been wanting to do a lot of inner child work, too. I'm trying to start small and give myself the happy experiences and things that I deserve but never got. I think this week I might try going to a bookstore and looking at children's books. If little san ever wants a friend, little sunflower is here. Her favorite color is pink, she loves art, and likes trying to catch fireflies on summer evenings even though she thinks bugs are icky.

Maybe meltdowns don't always have to be what you imagine they are. Not all of them are bursts of anger or loud sobbing, sometimes they're quietly crying and just wanting to be held or rocked for a little bit. You don't have to start with the big things first, just being acknowledged for feeling sad is something that a lot of us didn't get and something we needed.  :hug:

You're working really hard atm san. I'm super-impressed because I've only ever done this amount of intensive IC work over a number of days inpatient or on a healing retreat. Maybe you just need a little break for a while? This re-parenting work is super strenuous ime.  :hug: :hug:

I am a little out of the loop on the kind of work you are doing right now. I hope you forgive me that I am only sporadically able to be of support right now.

But I wanted to just say that it is okay if babies aren't something that brings you joy. For some people, alot of people, babies are annoying or just something they would rather not interact with. And that is perfectly okay. Perhaps that is just how it is for you, it isn't your "thing". (If you can call babies that). And that is perfectly okay. It could mean something, but also... It might just be one of those things that just is.

And on a side note.. I would much rather sit next to you today, to the whole of you today, and chat of little things or bigger things.

tee, peek-a-boo is so cute.  thanks for that, and all your love and support.

notalone, good question, and i gave it some thought.  from all i know and have learned, one stage needs to be in place, one level must be resolved before someone can safely and wholly move to the next.  with that in mind, i do think it's important that i go at this from the ground up, so to speak!   :) i've done lots of work hodge-podge already, so this feels like taking these steps in order is the next phase.

sunflower, thanks for the offer of a playmate for little me.  i've thought on that, but i really don't feel comfortable with it right now.  don't know exactly why, but it was awfully sweet of you to think of it.  i lived with a cousin who's my age, and i know we played together, altho she often bit me - dang, abuse started so early!   so, maybe as i'm continuing with this, i'll imagine little sunflower playing w/ me and i won't have teeth marks!   thank you - i was able to write thru it, it sparked a situation i'd been told about but didn't remember, and i'll be able to enjoy the idea of having someone safe to play w/ at such a tender age.

hey, blueberry, thank you for that reminder.  i am stopping for this week, won't continue until next week.  all these suggestions have been so helpful, and i'm glad for the time to digest them all. 

sceal, your vote of permission not to enjoy babies was beautifully timed!  and, i would love to just sit with you today, chat away, whatever hits our fancy.  that sounds lovely.  thank you so much for that.

beautiful people, all of you.  you don't even know how much you're helping me w/ this.  i didn't realize quite what a difficult task i was taking on.  my own stuff got in the way, which made it impossible at the time to get those feelings up that i needed from my mom.  she wasn't nurtured, either, so it fits that i'm having a hard time transferring nurturing feelings to her. 

i love the idea that i didn't have to be a 'bad' child, but even curiosity (i was watching a little girl in a store today) could be something to focus on.  also the idea of not wanting to eat a certain food, falling and feeling pain/crying, or not wanting to go to sleep when they thought i should.  child-rearing was so very different in those days.   lots of angst about 'spoiling' a child.  well, i know i wasn't spoiled, but i think i needed to be, at least a bit more.  so, that's what i'm going to work on, but not till next week.

thank you to all of you.  love you!   :grouphug:

 :hug: Hugs San I'm glad you are here and happy to be here with you. Sending love and hugs. :hug:

tee, you're darling.  thank you for all of that good stuff.

feeling very down today.  i wanted to get on w/ my re-scripting, but can't.  two things happened last nite that sent me into a spiral of emotion. 

i was watching a show, the lead character decided to call her sister - they didn't get along, but stuff happening around her made her want to get in contact.  and i was thrown into sobs, thinking of my own sister and feeling the loss of her, which i'd never cried about before.  she and i were so close for quite a few years, best friends, drinking buddies, did everything together, went out 5-6x/week, babysat each others' kids, lived 9 blocks from each other, were on the phone together 3-4x/day - we knew everything about everything concerning us.

then the falling out came, she moved across the country w/o telling me, w/o resolution, she refused to answer my letter, had nothing to do w/ me, and has made it clear that i was the reason she moved, that i was a liar, and she wanted to have nothing to do w/ me (i heard this thru my brother - even when he was afraid i was dying, he told me he'd reached out to her (about 2 yrs. ago) to let her know, wanted to rally around me as family, she wouldn't even acknowledge what he'd written to her - and suddenly last nite, i missed her, felt the loss of her.  i'd never done that before, and she and i haven;t spoken for about 30 yrs. 

it's a very deep pain, but has been out of my reach until last nite.  i feel so very down right now.  i don't know if this grieving is over yet, don't know if i have more tears, but i'm guessing i probably do.  wow - i feel horrible.

the other thing that happened was that my d' cat came up to me like she does every nite after my d goes to bed to get petted.  she lays on my chest, and was purring away like usual.  and i felt such a strong warm wave of love for that cat, something i'd only felt once before while in mex. and that, too, was for our cat.  it's something i'd never felt for my children.  and it scared me.

the only other anything i'd ever felt like i'd relied on was my first dog, duke.  he was with me during my entire first marriage, thru all the crapola that went on, and he was there with me.  when i was 7 1/2 mos. pregnant, and my hub #1 told me he didn't want to be married anymore, i had to move out of state to go live w/ a girlfriend.  and i brought duke w/ me.  after about a month, she told me that the landlord said i couldn't have the dog there anymore, and i had to send him back.  that was the straw that broke my back.

about a week later was the night i nearly ended it for myself, but my baby kicked me, and saved my life.  i couldn't do anything that might harm her.  so, the idea of loving this cat scares me cuz she's getting old and the pain i will feel when she goes will be unbelievable to me.  i'd been lately questioning the idea of how we humans get 'feel good' endorphins from our pets, which i've never consciously felt, really.  it was just something at a subconscious level for me, so i'd never felt that kind of thing.  same w/ my babies.  didn't feel it.

and i think this is why such a feeling scared me.  this range of emotions that is becoming more real to me, piece by piece, is overwhelming at times.  not having much experience w/ them at all has become frightening to me when they raise their heads.  it feels pathetic and rather pitiful.  i wanted to do more re-scripting this morning, but that's not going to happen.  i just need to get thru the day.  i'm going for a walk.

Oh San. I hear your pain. And none of it is pathetic. You're strong for feeling this stuff, and so brave for posting it here.  :hug:

I hope the walk helped, and more re-scripting can happen when the time is right for you.

thank you so much, snowdrop.  your compassion and encouragement went straight to my heart.   :hug:

 :hug: feelings are so overwhelming especially when they have been boxed up for so long. I agree with snowdrop you are so brave for walking through and feeling them now.  I think each step you take will help with next, and live and care you are showing yourself will help you become an even more magnificent person than you already are.  Thank you for being here and sharing you journey with us. :hug:

The loss of family is so very painful. Feeling your pain with you.  :hug:

it's the middle of the nite, i woke up in a panic from a nightmare.  i realized last nite how scared i was to feel love cuz losing my dog was the last straw and i couldn't take that and love means life and death to me.  that's what i went to bed thinking, and i got so scared thinking that and i felt like if i went on w/ this i would lose my mind.  i don't think i have the tools or ability or proper guidance to do this anymore.  i cfna't feel this love that i'd need to feel to continue with me.  i'm ranting right now, but i do not want to go insane and that's what's scaring me so much right now, that if i try to go farther, i will lose my mind, i feel like i'm on the verge right now.  it's all too much, i can't do this.  i have to calm down.  i hate this so much.

Sitting there with you sending gentle hugs. You're safe. You're safe. You're safe.  :hug:

 :hug: A safe hug for you SanMagic, and also sitting with you, we're alongside you. 
Hope  :)

thank you snowdrop and hope - you don't know how much i needed you.  thank you.  *sobbing*  i am so scared for my sanity.  i'm a fool to think i could do this on my owni don't have enough in my mind to do this.  i feel like i've gone as far as i can go.  i can't make the connections i need to go further w/ this.  i feel stuck.  what a frickin' meltdown.  i've never felt this way before.  it's so late in the game for me to feel like this.  thanks for telling me i'm safe, cuz i don't feel it right now.  it helps to hear it tho.  i can't stop crying.

San, you're safe and we're here. It might not feel like it at the moment, but crying will help. You're allowed to cry. <wraps you in a blanket and brings you tea>. I've been in that place, and it's horrid and scary, but it will pass and you'll get through it. You will. You're strong. You're enough. You're safe.

Sending you much love and hugs.  :hug:

o god, thank you snowdrop.  still crying.  i appreciate the blanket and being wrapped in it.  feels good.  i don't know why this happened.  yes, i do.  love is equated with life and death for me, i don't want to feel that and have such a choice hanging over me.  can't cope with it.  feeling love, even for the cat, terrified me!  it's the feeling that's overwhelming.  i hate it - too scary.

Feelings can be messy and scary and overwhelming. My take on it (which you're free to ignore) is that you did a lot of amazing work a few days ago, and that shifted things, a bit like clearing away a layer of fog. Sometimes when this happens, things that were buried below the fog can begin to surface, and that can feel shocking, scary and overwhelming. That's what it can be like for me, anyway. But being able to feel again, however painful, is part of the healing. I know it probably doesn't feel like it right now, but it is. You will get through this. You're strong.

I've brought you another cup of tea, and you can borrow my furry hot water bottle as well if that helps. You're not alone. You're safe.  :hug: :hug: :hug:

thank you my dear snowdrop (those were our first flowers in the spring - i love them!)   :hug:

it's been what you said, plus a whole lot more.  the idea of not being able to feel what love feels like, which includes not feeling what it feels like to be loved (there have been less than a handful of instances for both together), and my history of the connection between love, alive, and dead, a story i've shared here in the past, and the sudden feeling the other nite for my d's cat triggered all of this.

plus, we've had the added stress of our house agent spitting out the idea that if the owner of our house decides it's too much to keep patching, they might move us out and raze this place has been mucking with my head for several days.  it's more than just a move - i've moved nearly a million times in my life w/ no problem - but at my age now, and we don't have a car, and our location and neighbors here, well, it's been too much to really contemplate, and i've been trying to push that back for both our sakes, but it's actually huge, tremendously huge.

i'm just writing now, trying to calm down a bit.  one more move feels like it will kill me, and where we live now is surrounded by forest and blackberries and flowers and the idea of moving back to an urban place is incomprehensible to me right now.   i know the whole idea of having emotions makes me more human, but i honestly don't know how people have lived with them all their lives.  my alexithymia has served me well, but this healing stuff is affecting my brain, opening it up, making the connections, and wham! 

thank you, snowdrop, for sticking w/ me tonite.  this has helped. 

i've also been reading where others have been looking at some of us who have been doing inner child work and been encouraged to begin their own, and then this happens.  i've been so fired up w/ my re-scripting process, and now i don't know that i can go any further.  i made it to 6 mos. old, got part way to 2 yrs., and i'm stumped.  don't have what i need inside my brain to do this - at least that's what it feels like right now.  but, my brain hasn't been wired correctly (also i'm on the edge of autism) so i may not be able to go further, and i don't want anyone else to getdiscouraged from doing the work for themselves = they don't have the same crapola going against them.

i believe in what i've been doing, but i wish i had a t to help me with it.  i'm feeling so out there, so alone, so awash on a sea of helplessness w/ this.  thanks for telling me i'm safe.  i appreciated it, even tho it was a surprise to see it.  i didn't know i needed to hear that, didn't know i felt unsafe.  i feel ashamed, and i'm not sure what for, like i'm letting people down, which i know logically can't be, but it feels like it.  i suppose it's that belief that i can do anything, am perfect cuz anything less isn't allowed. 

o, it's too much.  i'm getting some tea and honey cuz i'm cold.  i feel forlorn and destitute.  once again, this place has been a lifeline for me. 

Quote from: sanmagic7 on August 20, 2019, 10:50:25 AM
(those were our first flowers in the spring - i love them!)

Snowdrops are probably my favourite flower. I always have them in the garden because they know when Winter is coming to an end, even if I don't yet.

You have such a lot going on at the moment, and your reaction is completely understandable. I wonder if it's worth just pausing a while on the re-scripting, as it's deep work and your mind has a lot to process. It's baby steps, and for me, that sometimes involves staying still and waiting for things to settle.

:hug:

thanks, snowdrop.  actually i was taking a break from the re-scripting, had put it off for a week, then another day when all this came down.  i won't be doing anymore very soon.  crap, don't really know if i can get any farther, to tell the truth.  but, i won't be tackling it for a while, now, that's for sure.  this stuff all hit me at once - the house, last day selling my d's books at the farmers market, the crying/feeling the loss of my ghosted sister, the feeling of love for the cat, this horrible nightmare i couldn't shake off - that all happened in 4 days!  blam!!!!!!    :aaauuugh:    :fallingbricks:

the tea helped, thank you.   :hug:  i'm settling a bit.  i've been up for nearly 5 hrs. now, since 1 a.m.  just beginning to get tired, hoping that if i close my eyes the nightmare has been diminished.  not sure, scared to find out yet.  maybe i'll eat something.  i don't know what to do.  i hate feeling afraid.

I'm glad you're feeling a bit more settled. Wishing you dreams of peace and safety. Here if you need me.  :hug:

Oh my sweet San I agree with snowdrop I think you have done so much that some things have shift do inside to show me feelings.  Which is scary.  This your journey though there's no shame in it no need to feel you've let anyone down.  I think you are amazing and that's a word I don't use lightly cause it's a trigger words for me.  However one that I truly believe describes you.  One of the things my T keeps telling me cause I've been down really down of late and I can't name the feelings I just don't see the way out and am overwhelmed. Is focus on what I can and can't not control. Give myself grace is ok to not be perfect no one is perfect ( that gives me a stomachache just writing it cause for me nothing less was excepted).   But truth San you have inspired others to work on the inner child. The way that you have done so gives me hope that one day I might be able to venture down that path and not split into a thousand pieces which I'm terrified of. 

You have to take care of you and right now. Big you has so much going on I wish we all lived like in 100 years in the future where we could instantly transport to be with friends so when our hugs and comfort could be more than just words on a page though I know for some that's part of the comfort, I guess my imagination is just not that good.

San you are safe you are strong you are so brave one breathe at time and one baby step you will make it through I'll be here by your side. Sending the biggest love filled hug with compassion and understanding to take away any fear and shame that remains so you can rest. :hug:

Gentle, healing :hug: for you filled with peace.

just woke up, feeling drained and flat, but not so panicky.  thank you snowdrop for getting me thru the nite - you were a godsend.  thanks, tee, for all your very sweet thoughts and wishes.  transportation to be w/ friends for real time hugs would be a great future wish!  and, thank you, 3r, for your hugs.  always there, so appreciated.

i'm going to the porch for i don't know how long.  this was as bad as its been in a seemingly long while.  gonna hang out in the cabin for some solitude, listen to the waves lapping against the shore, and spend some time sitting on the porch surrounded by whoever might be there, just for the gentle company. 

thank you all again   :grouphug: and much love

I'm so glad you're feeling a bit better.  :hug:

 :hug: glad your feeling better rest.

Sanmagic, I'm sorry you have been going through such a difficult time and I know that is an understatement.  :hug:

snowdrop, tee, and notalone, thank you so much for all your support. 

i feel like i've been dragged behind a mack truck for a few miles, so i'm still on the porch, relaxing.  not so mucked up as the other nite, tho, just feeling like the dregs.  will be resting until my spirit gets re-infused.  thanks, everyone, for helping me thru this.  love you all.   :grouphug:

Wishing you lots of peace and rest.  :hug:

 :hug: I'll be there with you today.  Maybe we can play a game or go for walk. Hugs my friend. Wishing you peace calm for day. :hug:

Glad you are staying on the porch, relaxing, being kind to yourself. I would like to bring you a tall cold glass of iced tea, iced coffee, lemonade, water, . . . whatever your preference.

The porch is a very nice place to be at. Can I join you with a cup of hot chocolate?

hey, snowdrop, thanks for those wishes.  i did rest a lot yesterday, am feeling a bit better today.

glad for the company, tee.  thanks.

notalone, that's so kind.  lemonade would be my choice if it's hot out.  thank you.

and sceal, you may certainly join me. i actually had a cup of hot chocolate last nite, so you were right on the money!  thanks!

i'm beginning to feel better, but no walking for me yet.  when this stress thing hits, my legs stop working correctly, feel very weak and wobbly.  they're like an indicator of how i'm doing.  when i can go for a walk again, i know i'm nearly back on track.  not yet, tho.

last nite, my d told me a story that included her father, my ex #2.  he said he would be there for her at a time she needed to be  taken care of, then when the time came, he actually came to mex. to take me to a notary to get some documents signed.  that appt. w/ the notary could've been changed, but from what i've read, researched, and know, narcs don't like to take care of people who are down or sick - they can't get their narc supply, so don't want to bother w/ them.  i know this happened to me many times during my marriage.

anyway, she's asked me not to talk about him to her, and i respect that.  she said she doesn't want to hear what a bad person he is (she continues a relationship w/ him), so when she told this story (he had her sister stay w/ her, which sounds kind of nice, but that's my narc d, and she had back spasms, and so my d didn't really get taken care of in the real sense, i got so angry, but clammed up, didn't say a word.  however, the vibes coming off me were so strong, i could feel them myself.

she just went 'whoa - i guess i won't be telling you anything anymore', and i still didn't say anything, but i was steaming and screaming inside.  i've been repeating the serenity prayer over and over since then, trying to keep these horrible thoughts about him, once again, from taking me over.  my chest is tight w/ fighting this.  i just don't know if i should apologize to her, explain w/o being specific, or do nothing, just let it be?  any ideas?  this is one of the few touchy situations between her and me, and i don't know exactly how to handle it.  thoughts, opinions, suggestions are welcome.

otherwise, just taking it easy.  you have all been so kind and helpful.  i'm forever grateful.  i'll get there.  back to the porch.

I'm so sorry you're struggling with so much right now. But hugs to you, for healing and comfort and strength.  :hug:

The first thing that struck me was - if she doesn't want you to talk to her about him, why does she get to talk to you about him? Why don't you both have the same rule?

But then I thought, maybe it's good for her to try to help you see things from a different perspective. Maybe it deepens the connection the two of you have. So I guess the other thing (I've used this and it helped) is just kind of an honest admission of where we are and how we can see what our limitations are. Something like, 'I see how upsetting this is, and I want you to know I'm working on it. I see the points you've made and they're quite valid - you're important to me and I want to work on this for you, for us.'

I'm rooting for you, San. Take care of yourself!  :hug:

3r, i understand, on one level, what you're saying.  i have asked her not to talk about him before, and it was agreed upon, because i'm so triggered by the mention of him.  so, yeah, that's already been in place.  i've been very respectful of her wishes, altho it's been really difficult sometimes.  she has a blind spot there, and i think it's a protective device for her.

it just hurts me so much when i hear more examples of how he's done this to all of us in this family.  i hadn't known or remembered this incident before, so it kind of blindsided me.  the points she makes, tho, i see as her continuing to cover up and make excuses for him and the other men in her life who have treated her badly (she's also extremely wounded, i've told her i think she's also got c-ptsd, but she won't explore that w/ her t, or ask me about it.  she's quite damaged by her childhood), so i don't really, truly see them as valid.  i'd like to, but she's very quick to excuse behavior by others that have gone against her.

i do think talking to her would be a good idea, tho, but i'm just not sure what exactly to say.  so, that part i agree w/ you.  also some of the other things you mentioned, i just can't validate her perspective that it was 'ok' for him to have done that.  he's already told her he checked out while she and her sister were growing up, but as far as i know he didn't apologize.  i think, to her, tho, that his admission was satisfactory, but to me it's not enough.  he can admit what he did, but not that he was wrong, or that what he did was wrong, just that he did it.  i know this from experience.

her childhood was chaotic to say the least, and w/ all her sister's problems, she got left in the cold, emotionally neglected and abandoned.  she's picked men in her life who have done the same thing to her, over and over, and she's made excuses for them every time, too.  it breaks my heart to see her struggling w/ this, thinking this stuff is no big deal and should be brushed under the rug.  i understand that it's what she probably needs to do to keep her sanity, so i don't push on it.  still, it's difficult to watch and hear about.

3r, i know you're on my side, i really do, and it's very grounding, and i appreciate it and you more than you can know.  thank you for those hugs - sorely needed - and for your wisdom and care.  always.   :hug:   

grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change . . .

 :hug: I agree with 3R but your feels are valid too. 

I think I would go back to your D and simply say that you love her and were upset by the fact she was in pain and not being taken care of the way you would have wanted for her.  That you are trying to see things in a different perspective and will continue to work on this but that you want the best for her. And that you are sorry if you up set her.

Hugs San :hug:

Understandable that your "mama bear" came out. Yes, maybe something like Tee said, "I love you. When you are hurt I feel protective of you." I would steer away from trying to help her to see things about her dad. It seems that she isn't ready for that yet, and it would only put up a wall between you. Being a mom is hard.  :hug:

thank you tee, and notalone.  very good suggestions.

we did talk, and some of what all of you suggested was incorporated.  we both cried.  she just wants to have a dad, and is afraid of what terrible things he might have done, but doesn't want to hear anything bad about him cuz she couldn't handle it.  told her i respect that, that i'm working on this not happening, and she said she knows.  she did say that every time his name comes up, this total blackness that's beyond pain and hurt emanates from me.  i told her i know, that i've never felt this way about anyone before, and i don't like it, am working to get rid of it.  lots of apologies from me.

i told her that she's probably the most damaged one from that household cuz she said there have been so many lies about each of us toward another, or things not remembered correctly, that she doesn't trust any of us.  i don't blame her.  this family has been broken, and her t told her that the best thing for her to do is to take each person individually, which she's done.  she told me that she wants me to trust that she will not let anyone be in her life who might hurt her.  i told her i would.

so, i'm going to keep repeating that serenity prayer in hopes that it will help offset the blackness.  i've done so much re: my feelings toward him, i don't know what else to do.  maybe something simple like this will be the best.  like you said, notalone, she's definitely not ready, doesn't want to stay in the past, is dealing w/ family members as they are toward her in the present.  if it works for her, i've got to be ok w/ that and make it work for me.  dang, i hate this crapola!!!  thanks, everyone.   :grouphug:

 :hug:

thanks, tee.   :hug:

i am going ape-crap crazy!  this has brought it all up again, the hateful emotions, the intrusive thoughts that won't let me alone no matter how many times i shout 'STOP!!!', the horrible memories.  i feel like these past few months of work have just flown down the drain and i'm back where i don't want to be, am struggling again to stay sane.  i feel so depressed, and i haven't felt that in a long, long time.

breathe, in out in out.  i thought this battle was won and done, and now i feel so awful again.  why won't this * stop?????????   :fallingbricks:   :aaauuugh:

I get it triggers are triggers and I think the work you have done in other areas have left your emotions closer to the surface and raw.  Hugs my friend I'm struggling bad too. Burst into tears twice today and I don't cry,. That's how low and frustrated/triggered I am at the moment.  If I don't get good news tomorrow I'm not sure where to go next. :Idunno:

Sending a giant hug of understand and comfort to my new friend struggling with you. :hug:

 :hug:

sorry you're struggling right now, too, tee.  want to sit on the porch w/ me for another day?  we can just be.   :hug:

thanks for the hug, notalone.  always appreciated.   :hug:

i got an answer from a tv show this evening that has helped settle me and my thoughts down.  it was basically to think about her, my d, and not about him.  bottom line, love trumps hate.  just gotta get my mother love moving, and hopefully it will continue to move thoughts about him right out of my head.  she's much more worth thinking about.  so, feeling better tonite, thank you god.

 :hug: I'd love to San thank you! :hug:

San, I'm happy you got some of what you needed and are able to relax some! Sending oodles of love and support to you!  :hug:

lovin' the 'oodles', 3r.

was able to walk this morning, finally feeling more like me.  yay!

thanks to all of you for pulling me thru.   :grouphug:

That's excellent news, I'm delighted.  :hug:

Glad your feeling more like yourself. I completely understand that. I also went for a walk this morning, saw the clouds, heard the birds, sang songs.  :hug:

Glad to hear you managed to go for a walk, I hope it was out in nature? I know how much you love that ( I do too) :hug:

snowdrop, thanks a ton.

notalone, very cool.  i'm learning that you like to sing songs.  thanks.

sceal, absolutely in nature (i know you favor nature as well).  i'm surrounded by it here - rainforest and ocean.  doesn't get much better!  thank you.

did a lot of physical work today, so i'm tired now.  my d's been gone all morning.  i noticed once again how differently i work, use my time, when i'm alone.  i noticed this when my hub was gone for a couple days.  it was like i slept better, kept completely different hours, had energy for different things when i could have my own schedule and didn't have to rely on another person and take into consideration what they wanted and at what times. 

i also feel more relaxed, less pressure, even tho they don't really put pressure on me to be a certain way, do things, etc.  with him, i had to get up when his alarm went off, couldn't sleep longer cuz we didn't have space, etc.  with her, she likes having me as a sounding board for all her writing projects, and i want to be there for her.  it's just kind of strange to me, that dynamic.

when i rented a room, even tho i had no one to answer to, per se, i did have to go by house rules, which were pretty strict cuz of the other people living there.  i guess i feel the stress of living w/ another person, just because they're there.  i wonder how much of this is self-inflicted?  i really enjoy my time alone.  less pressure, no expectations at all, kind of thing. 

oh well.  don't know how important that all is, just writing it cuz it came to mind.  being mindful, maybe. 

I am thinking of going in nature before I go to work today. And I'm so happy you got some enjoyment out of it as well.

I understand the pressure that you're describing so much! It's not that they are nesccarilly putting the pressure on you, but the pressure is there none the less. And although it can be nice to not be alone all the time, it is golden to be allowed to be at home alone. Be safe, do things your way in your order, when you want to. Or not at all.

 :hug:

sceal, you totally get it.  and, yes, nature is very grounding for me, which is why i like going for my walks at first light.  it's such a great way to start my day.  i've noticed that the mushrooms are beginning to burst upward - a very fun fall sign here.   

thanks for the hug, tee.  always welcome.

feeling pretty good this morning.  of course, with that good comes the wanting to get back into the work i've been doing.  we'll see how i feel tomorrow.  this is a good week to do some, i think, cuz a grand slam in tennis will be happening for the next 2 weeks, and that's a great way for me to chill, is watching those players, hearing the soothing sound of the ball striking the court over and over.  definitely one of my happy places.

if anyone thinks it's still too soon for me to get back into it, please let me know.  i'm not very good (as we've been seeing) at knowing in real time if i've rested enough, am stable enough to get to the next level of work.  i still have some unfinished from last time, where i'm dealing w/ the age of 6 mos. to 2 yrs.  several of you suggested i rewrite the script for when i may have acted out, or been less than perfect during that age frame, how my parents should have reacted.  i think that was definitely a piece i was missing from when i last did this.  i feel more confident now, too, that i can get that feeling of mother love going toward my little me, which feels good to know.

i think i'm gonna give it a go, tho, maybe tomorrow or tues.  i'm kind of excited about it - it would be really nice to lay this chapter to rest.  and, i'm going to look up erikson's levels, make sure all that's included.  o boy!  here we go again!

Nature in the morning is wonderful! Also late at night while it is still light. There's a different kind of light both during morning and evening. But also the air itself feels cleaner or more therapeutic in a way.
I managed a quick slippery walk up a trail before heading to work. It makes all the difference!

As for continuing the work. It can be so hard to judge when you've had enough rest and when youve rested too much. I think doing a reminder thing of what you've already worked through could be a good way for you to figure out where your level of rest is. Revision kind of thing.

i agree with you, sceal, about the air and atmosphere at those 2 particular times of day.  they are special in how they feel.  i'm glad you got a walk in before work.

thanks for the thought on moving forward w/ the work.  i will do what you suggested - it sounds good and solid.   :hug:

Good luck San,
I'm sorry I'm not more engorging at the moment. Just make sure you give yourself grace and remember little at that age often react more out of tiredness than naughtiness. You don't have to see your little self as a terror toddler.  I wish I could offer more words of wisdom and compassion.  But I'm kind of stuck at the bottom of a pit that's caving in. Sending as much love and support as I can muster. :hug:

I think if you revisit the work you've been doing over the next couple of days or so, you might get more of a sense of how settled it feels. That way, when you go to the next level, you'll be able to build on a more stable foundation.  :hug:

thank you, tee, for the insights. 

thank you, snowdrop for the suggestions.

ok, so i went the next step.  it was suggested to me that i go by 6-mo. increments in order to be able to include everything.  i did some research on development at 6 mos., and they had a pic of a baby, and i burst out sobbing.  definitely something there, even if i can't remember it.  i began picturing a baby in my mind, just beginning to crawl and sit up.  they had great suggestions on this site, all the way from cognitive to physical progress, interactions, learning, etc.   i also looked at erikson's psychosocial development for this age, which is still trust/shame. 

just writing that brought a wave of something over me.  i think i'm shame-based and didn't know it, but it's hitting me where chakra #1 is.  so, klots of movement right now.  did my own version of brainspotting while picturing baby me, did some yawning, and afterwards, more tears.  i possibly did 2 mos. worth right now, and will stop.  i was able to picture my parents laughing with joy while watching me crawl around, sit and look, and playing w/ blocks.  i imagined me grabbing something that wan't a baby thing, and both of them smiled at me, gently took it out of my hand, put it up where i couldn't reach it.

there was no shame, no guilt, no yelling, and no restriction of me.  i think the ability to be free during this visualization was overwhelmingly positive for me.  the idea that i could be messy (i also pictured me in a high chair, slapping at some food, making a mess - again, my parents kind of chuckled, altho my mom was a little frustrated, but nothing harsh).  i think that's all i can do today.  feel drained at the moment, but a little 'cleaner' inside.  i think there's a lot of muck in there from this time in my life. 

trust/mistrust - that was proved to me on a conscious level when i was 13 or so, that i could not trust my parents to be there for me.  i never consciously thought about that dynamic, tho, only that i needed to rely on myself for my emotional needs, which i did.  they stopped - that's how i took care of them.  just stopped, except for feeling sad.  but, they had stopped long before 13, it was just a different type of realization.

so, i need to let this part process thru now.  am going to rest on the porch.  i knew this age range for me would be loaded, but i didn't realize how much crapola would actually need to be redone.  this is amazing me, tho.  it feels so right, and like corrections are taking place. 

Wow, this sounds really significant and powerful. I could feel the effect of it as I was reading, and it's beautiful. You're doing such amazing, deep work. Lots of love and hugs.  :hug:

 :hug: that's great San you rock.  Big supportive hug :hug:

Quoteit feels so right, and like corrections are taking place.

Awesome, its great you're making such progress. Keep it up! :)

snowdrop, tee, and jazzy, thank you so much for all your support.  it really helps me push on.  you are all so appreciated.

still processing.  my brain is active.  yesterday, after going after what happened for about 2 months of my life (which, of course, i can only guess at, but it's feeling right on), i was tired, but after my nap, i felt good, strong, walked in the forest, had a good evening.  last nite, however, a huge wave of sorrow for myself washed over me, and the tears came, the sobs came, my body was wracked with expulsion and realization.  the thought of how my spirit  had been repressed and restricted, trying to mold me into a perfect little girl - which worked for a long while - overcame me.  i cried for that little girl - she was so precious, so curious, so full of spit and vinegar, wide-eyed wondering about the new world she'd been thrust into, yet stymied again and again.

i'm a walking miracle.  the battle, the struggle, to be me has been neverending, but it has taken its toll, and that's manifested itself in a lot of physical pain, and suddenly i'm mad.  i can picture me trying to get away from restricting hands, cowering inside from harsh voices telling me 'no', stopping me from exploring by getting me out of the way, setting me in a playpen so the chores could be done, the house cleaned, the coffee drunk and the cigarettes smoked.  perfunctory feeding and clothes being changed in a house bereft of brightness - we never had art or music or memorabilia  around our home.  it was drab, and i was not.

i can feel it even now that struggle to have fun, to laugh, to play, to socialize w/o being bit by my same-age cousin.  our 2 families lived together and we've both heard the stories all our lives.  i don't know how that was dealt w/, but i do know that it happened over and over.  i know my spirit is all about fun, so this ended up restrictive as well.  ugh!  but, what's done is done.

then, this morning, the whispers toward x-hub #1 shadowed my mind.  'i don't forgive you'.  several times.  i've been angry about what's happened, but never to this point of feeling and thought.  he nearly killed me, and i've tolerated that behavior, allowed it to be with me for over 40 yrs.  it's all coming up again now, and it's dreadful.  he's admitted that he was wrong, he apologized, but i can see that it was another misogynist play in my life, and i'm ready to weep once more for the sorrow and shame of it.  so, i'm dealing w/ that as well right now.  one more strike at my spirit, a huge blow (he left me when i was 7 1/2 mos. pregnant, among other things) and i cracked big time under it.

it's such a heavy weight to carry, to have carried, and i don't want to be ok w/ what he did anymore.  his name was the same as my F's, and he died this year on my F's birthday.  the connection was tremendous.  and now i'm dealing w/ the 2 *'s in my life who continually went after me verbally, mentally, and emotionally (thank you, god, that physical abuse was not part of it), chipping away at what made me me.  i remember my ex once telling me, after we'd been broken up for a bit, how different i seemed now that i was on my own.  well, yeah - i could get my feet under me, get my spirit back on track w/o it being pummeled all day every day.

so, now that i'm writing, i see how these 2 men basically did the same thing to me, in some ways, while i was looking at the world in wide-eyed wonder and love, and how they confused me as to what was going on w/ me, how i got lost in their shuffle.  the tears are here at the edge of my eyes now.  so very sad.   and people wonder 'why dredge this stuff up?  it only hurts, brings you pain!' but i know that it's been smoldering and festering inside me and without bringing it up it will continue to kill me from the inside out.  the not knowing, the denial, the distraction, the confusion, the busybusybusy to try to outrun it just doesn't work anymore.  i need to keep living, and the only way i'll accomplish that, resurrect my spirit to it's glorious fullness is to face this crapola head on. 

i once heard that if you bury a living thing, it will always rise up and bite you.  this stuff has to die in order that i'm not being bit anymore.  and i'm the only one who can kill it.  my warrior woman has just come to the fore - i'm fearless right now.

Fearless and strong! That sounds like a lot of releasing, and pattern spotting. I have so much admiration for the work that you're doing.  :hug:

Quotemy warrior woman has just come to the fore - i'm fearless right now.

"Towanda!" 💪

Dear San,

Cry, rage, laugh, play. You are precious.

thank you everyone.  i don't have the energy to write much, still processing, but i appreciate all your words and  encouragement.  love and hugs.   :grouphug:

 :hug:

thanks, tee, as always, for your supportive hug. 

snowdrop, 3r, and notalone. thank you all for your vote of strength.  last nite, i felt the full impact of that strength, making those strides, and it ended up in a place of 'is this worth it?'.  i've felt so crappy, worn out, stressed, energy-drained the past few days, and last nite it all really got to me.  i know that what i'm doing is important for me, at least i know that on one level.  i know it's helping kill pieces of the beast that have continued to haunt me and hurt me, have caused me to struggle in what seems like a never-ending battle to reclaim my own self.  but, dang, that was processing 2 months of my life as a baby, and it took me down pretty far.

happily, today i'm feeling better. got a good nite's sleep, and am back on track.  looking forward to go after a few more months next week, even tho i know what's coming.  i think what i'm realizing is just how much this stuff has whacked out my brain and mind, how i've been dealing w/ such a vital essence of me all my life, mostly because of parental ignorance.  these were not people who hated me, but were doing, in their own unenlightened perspectives, what they thought was best for their baby and their own lives.

it just brings to mind how ignorance can be so damaging.  they had their own hells to navigate growing up, and in those days there was no awareness about abuse, depression, impact on children of that which had been handed down thru the generations.  this is the first time i've been able to see their lives and what everything meant to them when it came to raising their own children.  it's rather profound.

not that i'm ignoring accountability, but i'm understanding on  a deeper level what life meant to them, how it was for them.  they both lived thru the great depression, neither were able to finish high school, and asking for help was more or less forbidden.  my dad grew up in the streets, and all my grandparents were alcoholics.  that was the legacy handed down to me.  i didn't have a chance, but neither did they. 

well, this is rather self-contemplative in a way i've never done, that i can remember.  not consciously or concisely.  it's good to be able to admit this, but it's so very sad what tradition and ignorance can do to a young life, an unformed brain and mind.  plus the repercussions of that influence on the entire evolving life.  the battles, the struggles, the confusion, the terribly neg. choices in partners and friends - it runs the entire gamut of a life lived.  and it ruins it in so many ways.

you all are helping me get thru this, and i appreciate it so much.  what's the point?  is it worth it?  the less i have to continue struggling, battling, feeling confused about what's going on around me, why i see things differently than others, feeling the stress, overwhelming at times, of moving one foot in front of the other to get thru a day, understanding the triggers and where they've come from and why, having the anxiety of life lessen, restoring emotions that have never been there before - it's a new world in so many senses of that idea, and it's helping me be the me i was meant to be.  i can't put a price on that.

killing this beast, putting it to rest, at least to a more manageable size and shape, gaining the capability to actually be able to leave some of this stuff behind is the best gift i can give myself.  i may be old, but i'm not out. 

I think you're doing fantastic work, San.  :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on August 31, 2019, 05:29:24 PM
killing this beast, putting it to rest, at least to a more manageable size and shape, gaining the capability to actually be able to leave some of this stuff behind is the best gift i can give myself.  i may be old, but i'm not out.

And through it all you also give us the gift of encouragement. You are an inspiring example of perseverance, trusting yourself and trying new things, and vulnerability. I have been blessed by your words directly to me and by what you have shared of your own journey.

You can do it San, I'm here with you.   :hug:

You are doing such great work, SanMagic, and I wanted to send you a supportive hug, and tell you that you inspire me, and this hug is heartfelt  :hug:
Hope  :)

snowdrop, thank you for that.  it means a lot.

notalone, you brought a calming presence to my heart with your words.  how very sweet of you to say that.  thank you.


tee, i so appreciate you being with me.  i can feel it, and i love that.

hope, i felt that hug in my heart.  thank you.

so very tired today - i slept most of the day, just couldn't get myself up.  this is more grueling than i imagined, but i'm looking forward to doing more, cuz i do believe it's helping in the long run.  i'm very lucky that i can take these days/hours that i need for rest and recuperation.  today told me, tho, that i'm not ready to move on w/ this work yet.  still need to rest.

yesterday, i also dreamt of my ncD.  it was exactly the same as it had been, i could hear her voice, saw her eyes, the look on her face, watched her behaviors completely ignore anything i'd said or that she'd agreed to, and i woke up right after i said to her 'i don't know what else to do with you.'  when i told my d, she said, 'yep, that's about right'.  it was so real, one of the most real dreams i've ever had.  it also told me that my brain is still processing the re-scripting i did last week, so i'm gonna keep waiting.  i'll know when it's time to go at it again.

it also gives me the message that there is so much stuff in my babyhood, even tho i'm not aware of it at all, that i've stored away, and that's why this has drained me the way it has.  whew!  i'm in awe of my brain and my mind, tho.  the whole idea that i am being able to rewrite some of this stuff and my brain is allowing itself to become rewired.  i did notice, tho, that i still break into tears when i witness kindness and loving gestures, so i believe that i'm going to have to incorporate that in my personal work along the way.  i'll have to think about how and where it will fit.

thank you all for the encouragement and support.  you're the best!  i hope you know that.   :grouphug:

 :hug: take your time San it's not a race.  You amaze me.  Here with you :hug:

You're a fighter, that's for sure! You've dealt with so much and yet you keep swinging! You're a trouper!  Big healing :hug: filled with energy and refreshment.

hey, tee, thank you for the reminder.  i am taking my time - this morning i'm feeling too tired to go for my usual walk, so i'm deciding to skip it instead of pushing myself. 

3r, thanks for the support and encouragement.  energy and refreshment hit the spot right now, cuz i'm not feeling too much of either.

too worn out to walk this morning.  i guess i'm still feeling the effects.  yesterday i had a ton of energy, did a lot of stuff, and i'm also in the process of eating differently - i need to lose some weight to get my blood pressure and sugar levels down - so that might be affecting me right now as well.  i'm taking it easy for today, gonna hang out on the porch.  rocking chair, waves lapping, the energy of anyone else there and maybe a book - it all sounds like what i'm needing right now.  i'm bringing fresh-picked blackberries for everyone.  see you there!

 :hug: :hug: for you san. Too tired to write anything else.

 :hug:

thanks for the hugs blueberry and tee.  always appreciated.  they warm my heart.

kind of a down day today.  i think my body is undergoing change and it's upsetting the rest of my system.  it's stress, after all, my nemesis, and happens no matter what kind of change i make.  even tho i'm doing something pos. for myself, my body reacts stressfully. 

i've been spending a lot of time editing, and still have more to do before my book is ready to be formatted.  i'm hoping that i'll have some offerings to sell when we hit the farmers market next summer.  it would be fun to actually sell a book or two of mine.  right now, they're simply sitting in my computer.  i loved writing them, never thought i'd do anything with them.  now it's a possibility.

i also believe i'm still feeling the effects of the work i did last week, so i don't think i'll do another chunk until next week.  i need to stabilize, physically and emotionally before i go again.  changing eating patterns, even tho i wrote a program about that, has been challenging lately.  it all went away when i was sick all those years, so finding my way back is a struggle.  but, i do want this to happen, want to stay as healthy and viable as possible as i hit my stride at this stage of my life. 

so much has changed.  i don't want to be a burden to my d.  it's good motivation, in a way. 

yesterday was what i call a 'waste' day.  for the most of the day, i did nothing constructive - at one point, i sat in front of the computer and played a game over and over and over . . .  it was several hours later that i came out of that trance (that's kinda what it felt like).  the best thing about it, for me, was that when i realized what i was - or was not- doing, i gave myself permission to waste the day, to just get thru it until the next day.  that really helped my mind, i think.  it kept a lot of ICr stuff at bay, and, now that i think of it, was quite empowering.  i do have the power to make that kind of decision and not feel guilty about it.  it felt good.

so, i slept well, and this morning i feel a lot more settled and solid.  i'm ready to keep working on my book, getting it ready for formatting, which my d will do for me.  i'm getting excited about that, plus the others i have 'sitting on the shelf' so to speak.  i might actually have a chance to sell them at the farmers market next year.  how cool would that be!!!  i was ready to walk this morning, which is always a good sign, but it's raining, so i'll wait till it stops.   all in all, i'm looking forward to going after another chunk next week.  i think i'll be ready.

i did notice the other day when i was doing some brainspotting, attempting to calm myself - i was feeling very stressed - that i felt a gag reflex about that.  someone said that's an indication of an energy blockage, so it looks like i still have some work to do there.  it just keeps coming, which is a bit disconcerting.  but, it wasn't as large as normally has been in the past, so hopefully that's also a good sign.  one step, then another . . .

If it helps, a gag reflex can be blocked energy releasing. If it's not as large as before, I'd take that as a good sign.  :hug:

I wish there was a :hatsoff: smiley - you deserve one! You are indomitable, my friend.  :cheer: :waveline:

I'm glad you took a day to just chill you deserve that you are working so hard. :yes:
The books sound great good luck! :hug:

thanks for the insight, snowdrop.  i'm hoping that things are moving for the better, the neg. stuff is finally getting released and getting out of the way.  :hug:

3r, i don't know what to say.  you touched me so profoundly, in a good way, but it brought up the thought (i hate it when this happens) that i've had to be indomitable or i'd have been dead a long time ago.  isn't that a shame that something so positive from someone can bring up something so sad and heartbreaking?   :stars: i didn't want to admit that here, just accept it, but i think that the more honest i get w/ what is going on w/ me, the easier it will eventually be to clear the crapola out.  it pains and shames me, for some reason, to have that thought, that cynicism, cloud the wonderful sentiment you gave me.  it was like a lovely gift that had a rotted ribbon tied around it.

dang, where did that come from?  am i being over dramatic?  these freakin' triggers are everywhere, and i hate how they color over something so special and from someone's heart.  so hard to enjoy the pos. when this happens.  maybe i'm more ready for this gunk to come to my consciousness now, and this is how i can process it and begin to get rid of it.  i don't know.  it seemed important to write it out, tho.   :yes:    and, i'm not taking anything away from what you said, 3r, that was a remarkable sentiment toward me and what i'm doing.  i guess i can't receive these things  w/o the ugly strings attached yet.  some day . . . :hug:

thank you, tee, for the support and the validation.  you have become such an integral part of all of us.   :grouphug:

i realized something today.  my sanity has meant my life, which is why there were times when i was not in physical danger, but felt like, no, knew, i was dying, and it was because i was being driven insane.  put into a double bind situation - do this and the opposite of it at the same time.  that kind of thing can cause schizophrenia because the only way some people know how to deal with that is to retreat into a reality of their own making, a reality that they can live within.

i was able to connect this with the stories i'd tell about situations and circumstances that i had to believe - creating my own reality - in order to continue to function with a semblance of sanity in this world.  this was an overwhelming realization, and i have to stop here, go do something easy, like watch tennis for a bit.  the implications could overcome me if i'm not careful.  how close was i really?

 :hug: I think we all have times like that.   :hug:

thanks, tee.  but, what a horrible thought.  this c-ptsd stuff is so potent if it can bring us to the brink of sanity!   a new concept for me, which is why i think i reacted so strongly when i realized it.  thanks for the hugs and the acceptance - they are really appreciated.    :hug:

feeling better today, a bit more grounded.  i want to be more positive, stop rolling in the past, especially around my d.  i've ruined my entire family for her now - she has no interest in them at all.  that made me so upset last nite (upset is the word i use when i can't identify specific feelings, but know something is roiling around inside.)  i got a bunch of family movies from my bro, and she doesn't want to watch them with me cuz she doesn't separate the negl from them to seeing them when i'm having a good time w/ them.  she's very black and white that way.

i thought it would be a way to see my when i was young, to see her grandparents, who died before she knew them, just bring some continuity in for her.  she flatly refuses.  i guess i've been able to compartmentalize a lot of these things cuz, maybe, i've had to.  she has heard so much neg. from me about my childhood, she knows my sis and bro and doesn't like either of them, and i guess this is where the family connection ends for her.  so, i guess maybe i've said too much neg. about stuff.

i think it's because, and this has been forever, i've wanted my girls to 'see' me, 'know' me, that i was more than just the 'bad guy' while they were growing up.  maybe that's my own issue - that i've felt one-dimensional, unacknowledged for a lot of things i've been thru and accomplished anyway.  i don't know.  maybe it's my ego speaking, maybe it's my childhood need that's gone unfulfilled and i'm trying to fill it now.  but, we all know that never works.  so, it's a new day and i'll just keep moving on, leave that crapola behind, and just be sad.  being sad is something i know. 

Quote... i've felt one-dimensional, unacknowledged for a lot of things i've been thru and accomplished anyway.

This is me, too! The result of feeling this way, for me, has been a lot of defensiveness and finger pointing at others.

Big hugs to you! Kudos to you for doing the hard work. Giving yourself the permission to feel what you feel is hard and brave. Supportive hugs to you.  :hug:

 :hug:

Quote from: Three Roses on September 08, 2019, 09:23:43 PM

Big hugs to you! Kudos to you for doing the hard work. Giving yourself the permission to feel what you feel is hard and brave. Supportive hugs to you.  :hug:

:yeahthat:
Big hug San :hug:

hey, 3r, isn't it amazing how we feel unseen?  it's not like i'm a shy violet or anything, but i've always felt like the real me, the valid parts of me, the constructive parts, are overlooked.  i remember walking in a 'take back the night' demonstration many years ago.  a friend of mine saw me, immediately said how surprised she was to see me there.  i just said, well, i'm a woman, of course i support this.  i've been active, an activist, plain-spoken, accomplishing things that i would always think is incredible in someone else, but somehow it's gotten lost when it came to me.

ooooh, i may be that i've surrounded myself with people, like narcs, who didn't want to see it, let alone acknowledge it.  so, of course my d wouldn't recognize it.  i remember she wrote once that the women she most admired were 3 of her friends, for having careers and families (she didn't at the time).  i was so hurt!  i felt invisible, or that what i've done meant absolutely nothing to her.  when i brought it up to her, she kind of dismissed it, brushed it away.  i don't know if it got resolved, but i still feel the sting.

thank you for the hug, notalone.  very appreciated.  they are so warming.

thank you, tee, for the validation and support.  as my hub would say, it makes my heart squiggle and squirm like a puppy dog!

i've been having to take a break - again!  i nearly fell the other day, twisted both my knee and ankle, and they're taking their sweet time in getting untwisted.  so, i can't walk like i want, and i decided that i didn't want to do any emotional work while my physical part isn't up to par.  i have been working on my book, tho, so that's coming along, and i'm jazzed about that, altho it really wrecks my brain!  can't work on that too long at a time. 

so, just in a resting phase for now.  hopefully next week i'll be able to chomp out another chunk of emotional garbage.  i know i have to install some kindness from my parents from when i was a baby yet.  i've seen my mother with babies, she loved babies, but i think it was mostly what they did for her that made them so attractive.  plus, they didn't need disciplining - she was not at all good at holding boundaries w/ my d #1.  she died when d #2 was 2, so not much interaction there.  i'm winging this so much.  your ideas and examples and thoughts have really helped.

 :hug: I hope you heal quickly. 

thank you, tee.  it's a slow process - these old bones and all that.  but, luckily, it wasn't too bad to begin with, so it's feeling ok.  i have a long walk to take tomorrow, so i'm still letting it rest today.

dang, these things come up to bite me in the butt when i'm not looking, and then they stay w/ me till i talk them to death!  i'm finishing my book, and my d bought me a bouquet of roses to celebrate that.  very sweet of her, but i was surprised by the gesture, mainly because i've got 2 other books written that she knows about, and she's really not shown very much interest in either one.  plus, this book has neg. memories attached to it re: my ex (he has a degree in journalism, so when i was finishing this, like, 25 yrs. ago, i asked if he'd edit it for me.  he said yes, but time kept going by, nothing happened, every time i asked him, he said he'd not had time, ad nauseum).

finally one day i asked one more time, he told me no he wasn't gonna do it cuz he didn't want hie name on something that was going to be a failure.  that was a real slap in the face, and i haven't touched it again until this year.  it's only cuz i worked w/ that mom and daughter that i got inspired to finish it, possibly even sell it.  tears here.  these frickin' memories come up and bite me in the butt and get in the way of enjoying something wonderful. 

so the whole situation feels awkward and hurtful to me.  being looked at as the 'bad guy' in our family, being lied about so that even this d thought i was horrible for a time, it all comes crashing back.  crying for real now.  i just talked about 'being seen' as a whole person, how much i've felt like that's been missing from my life, and this was an example that was smashed in my face.  i hate these memories, hate that this keeps happening.  i can't even do something wonderful for myself and it gets tainted.    just gotta go cry now.

Sitting with you if that helps.  :hug:

always, snowdrop.  thanks.   :hug:

ended up in urgent care this morning w/ my d, looks like an infected duct or something, but she's got to go for a mammo and antibiotics.  i'm already tired, and we haven't made it to the hospital yet.  10:00 and already a long day.

i'm heading for the porch.

 :hug: San I hope you get some peace from the porch.   :hug:I hope your D feels better.

thanks, tee.  didn't get to spend too much time there - got super tense by the afternoon, had to take a xanax cuz i just could not relax.  my d has to go to the hospital in town today for tests, which is an ordeal.  my mama bear just wants to protect her from having to worry about this crapola and know that she's ok.  i'm bringing needlework projects along for the waiting - i haven't done needlework in years!  something to pass the time, and it doesn't require too much concentration. 

getting the supplies together took me back to the time in my life when i was active all the time, making this and that, sewing, bowling leagues, socializing, knitting sweaters - i made nearly my entire wardrobe, which is weird to think about now.  i do miss my sewing machine, tho.  too much mexican grit mucked up the insides - couldn't get away from that stuff.  so, i'll keep myself busy while i'm waiting, already said a prayer that everything goes ok, even tho i don't think it's anything serious.  still, i hate that she has to go thru this, has to worry about what's happening inside her body.  luckily, everyone she's talked to w/ some experience in the med. field has told her that they think it's an infection, nothing more.  still, it came on overnight, so that's weird, and there's a lump the size of an egg in there.  argh!

i'm just as big a bundle of nerves as she is, and i don't want to be.  can't help it.  gotta look calm and cool for her for the support and all.  we're getting to use our neighbor's car cuz the hospital is on the other end of town, and she's too nervous for the bus ride.  i don't blame her.  so, one more frickin' thing to get thru.  wish us luck, please! 

 :hug: good luck San you'll be in my thoughts.  I hope all goes well. And you're able to stay calm. :hug:

Good luck from me to. I'm thinking of you  :hug:

Good luck to both of you. Thinking of you. :hug:

Best wishes to you and your daughter sanmagic, hope it all goes well.

Hope your daughter is okay. A trying day for both of you.

tee, anjulie, snowdrop, s&b, and notalone - thank you for your well wishes.  very much appreciated.

we have to go back for one more procedure this morning.  i'm already tired.  she's ok, just has to get an infection drained. 

knowing you all have been with me has helped.  love and hugs all around.   :grouphug:

I hope today goes well, and that it gets rid of the infection. I will bring you virtual cups of teas throughout the day, and sit with you in support.  :hug:

 :hug: glad that it's getting taken care of.  Hope today goes well and is the last time she has to be seen for this.  Sending love. :hug:

snowdrop and tee, thank you, as always.

everything's finally finished, and we're both drained, but she's all good - just antibiotics now.  thanks for all your kind thoughts and well wishes and the love and tea and company!

HI SanMagic,
I am a bit late to wish you and your daughter well here, but I wanted to send you both a hug, if that's ok.   :hug: :hug:  Glad to hear she's doing ok, and hope the antibiotics help too.
Hope  :)

thank you, dear hope.  hugs are always welcome.  hopefully, she's on the mend now and we can put that past us. 

i found out something interesting the other day from a show i was watching.  anger plus disgust equals hate.  i already knew that anger plus shame equals rage - i discovered this a few years ago, it explains my ex's rage.  i believe he is so very mad at his mother, but was ashamed of being angry (she was always the sweet woman who put up with an abusive husband kind of thing) so he never even admitted it, and altho he's been in therapy forever, he's lied his way thru, and never got into mommy issues.  it would also explain the misogyny.

but this hate thing had a real impact on me when i heard it.  again, it made sense to me.  my ex disgusts me, something i've never felt about anyone.  not that i don't think other people are disgusting for one reason or another, but that was always distant, and i never internalized it.  so, coupled w/ my anger toward him, it now makes sense to me how i could feel this terrible hatred toward him, something that's been completely foreign to me all my life.  click - another piece of the puzzle falls into place.

i'm still drained today, but i wanted to write that out here.  it feels good to get it out of me.  the hatred isn't as volatile as it once was, something i'm glad about, but it's more in the background now.  i was glad to hear some kind of explanation that made sense to me, tho.  whew!

i'm setting my sights again on next week, see if i can tackle another chunk of my childhood.  this weekend i'm taking it easy. 

I didn't know that about hate. That's really interesting.

I hope you get a good rest after the past few days.  :hug:

 :hug: that is interesting San.  I hope you get some good rest this weekend.  You deserve that.  Sending you love. :hug:

really quite out of it today.  thank you snowdrop and tee - love you right back.

i think i'm making inroads on this crapola, and then i go thru this 3 days of medical stuff for my d, and i was so tense today, it was a xanax day.  i felt absolutely useless.  i don't always know how or why this happens, why it still happens.  i guess my system is so worn out from years and years of getting thru stuff, that it can't take very much anymore.

plus, i keep getting these realizations, and i think they have something to do with it.  maybe.  just makes me feel wimpy.  there's still so much i want to do - i pulled up my book twice today, didn't have the energy to do anything at all on it.  so, that's all pushed back, didn't make any headway on my knitting (i'm making a big throw for my bed for the winter cuz my quilts are tearing apart now), and i just feel blah.  it'll be nice to get back on my feet again.  plus, my d's leaving on wed. will be gone for a week.  maybe time by myself will help.  altho i'm still kinda nervous about being by myself.  some days it feels like i can't win for losing.

I'm not surprised you've been feeling out of it. Repatterning childhood stuff can be exhausting, and you've had all the medical stuff on top of that. Tee's right, you deserve a good rest.

The other thing that occurs to me is healing crisis, as in a sense, you're detoxing your emotions and mental patterns. It might not be, but thought I'd mention it in case it helps.

Either way, I'm sure it's temporary, and you'll feel better once you've rested.

:hug:

hey snowdrop,

healing crisis is a term i've not heard of before.  and i certainly haven't taken anything like that into consideration.  it makes sense, tho.  almost like i've been doing major surgery on my mind, which would indeed demand a longer period of rest than normal.  thank you so much for that.

the doc stuff, 3 days in a row, yeah, that took more of a toll than i expected.  it whirlwinded me into old fears, specifically of not being able to rest in the afternoon after only getting 5 hrs. of sleep at night.  i appreciate what you said - i think it has helped me get back on track a little.  i was feeling pretty wimpy, like i should be over this much easier.

i think that's part of my own belittling of my own issues and falterings.  the 'shoulds' that come along w/ that - i should be over this by now, i should be able to handle this better, i should . . . fill in the blanks.  wow - just flashed back to being sensitive as a kid, crying cuz i displeased my dad, and him telling me that he can't talk to me without me turning on the waterworks.  yep, still have some processing, re-scripting to do there.  it's still amazing to me how much that old stuff, seemingly so simple to others, can impact me now, yet, after all these years.  that sentence probably happened over 60 yrs. ago!  he's long dead, and i've done so much since then.  unfortunately, it still lingers.  gack!

so, resting.  luckily it's raining this morning, which took the option of going for a walk out of my hands.  and, resting some more. 

 :hug: don't get down on yourself San it takes time you've been working really hard and then life threw you a curve a ball with your D health.  You got this. Rest. sending love :hug:

thanks for that reminder, tee,  very much appreciated.  plus, i remembered something else i've been dealing with - my leg!  my knee is better, but now my ankle is hurting more than at first.  so, yeah, lots of stuff in a very little time.  which is what i need to heal.  time.

another realization came to mind today, thought i'd write it down.  i often come here before going to sleep to get some love.  it's something i've been doing for quite a while, but never brought it to my consciousness in quite the same way as today.  when i first thought about it, it seemed embarrassing, childish, so i didn't want to admit it.  then i realized that it's probably a very needy child part of me that's looking for that.  ok, that makes sense to me.

it also made me think that 'i love you' is something i have to be sure to build into my re-scripting, when i'm finally able to go after that again.  don't really remember hearing that from my folks, don't remember getting hugs or much touch, except being spanked.  so, kindness, patience, love words, holding, hugs, smiles, joy at me being me - this list is growing.  i'm close to tears just thinking about it. 

it may be part of why i usually send love when posting to someone else - i'm giving them what i didn't get, and i believe with all my heart we've often not had enough of that.  i know it can be difficult for some people to accept it, and i have no problem w/ that.  i want to respect where they're at.  still, my heart is full of love, and i want to share it.  here is where i also get a lot back.  and i so appreciate that.

i remember having a conversation w/ my ex when we were going out, about saying the words 'i love you,'  he didn't think they were important, i told him that i believed they were, that to hear them was very important.  i said something to the effect that hearing them now when i'm alive actually does something pos. for me.  after i'm dead, going to my grave and saying how much you loved me does me no good at all!  later, after our girls were born, he told me that he thought it was great that we all said 'i love you' to each other so often. 

i think that's why that willie nelson song 'you were always on my mind' angered me so greatly.  after the fact is way too late, buddy.  ok, back to resting.  just had to get this out of me.

Hi dear sister or mine  :hug: I wish I had more words today but wanted to let you know I am reading even when I can't often respond.

Your insights into that younger self needing love sounds so spot on. It is beautiful that you can give her some of that here and start to include it in your respcripting. Sometimes just a dose of love goes a long way for each of us  :hug:

Sending lots of love and peace your way
Elpha

 :hug: continue to rest and love one yourself.  Sending more love :hug:

sanmagic, just wanted to say something about "the L word" because what you've written chimes with me, and I wanted to feed that back, before I have to go to work in a couple of hours.

I also never was told "I love you". Never heard the words about human to human relationships. Discipline was very big in our house. So, I never heard those words, though I longed to. I agree that many of us didn't hear it enough, or for me not at all.

I think in our culture the three words are very loaded. How many films, soap operas etc use those 3 words as a dramatic device. Meaning that the word 'love' gets built up into all different meanings and obligations.

But really why should it not be a simple thing. Love I guess is a natural state and I feel it here too. So I want to send some love to you, and to all members here. Because soon my daily routine will kick in again and I will be back to work and worry  :aaauuugh:

So, its nice to hear and nice to say, sending love.  :)

A loving  :hug: filled with love and more love to you, my gentle friend.

as i read these responses, it occurred to me that i am more able to feel the love that you all are sending.  i've read the words here before, but couldn't feel it - my own whatever.  now, tho, the past couple days, it has penetrated my heart, and it feels o so great!  that's the power i believe works thru this forum and everyone here.  you all have been life-changing for me.  i hope you can let that soak in as a self-love antidote for when you're feeling unloved, invalid, worthless, and without purpose. 

el you are certainly a heart sister of mine.  i remember when you first joined the forum, how different things were then.  but the love was always there, somehow, a loving connection.  thank you for being in my life.

tee, i am loving myself, resting, taking care of me, and today i'm finally feeling more myself.  you are so full of love, and i can feel it from you.  thank you for being here and sharing that love w/ so many.  you are so valuable.

s&b, i totally agree with you.  the word 'love' seems to have collected so many expectations, hidden meanings, even fear (and, as you said, some kind of drama around it) when it's, to my mind, the greatest thing humankind can ever achieve.  all of us who are love starved know this intrinsically, i think.  to find such a loving place as this forum, so much of it from people who have been wounded because of a lack of love in their lives, is mind-boggling. 

thank you for this insight - isn't love really both the simplest and most powerful entity we have in our arsenal to combat the horrors that we've known? 

and dear 3r, you are one of the most loving people i've never met.  with me from the very beginning, i love you dearly.  thank you for your kindness and friendship that have never faltered.

to all of you, like tee said, we do all need to love on ourselves - i truly believe love trumps evil and all its manifestations.  we all deserve love, and the love people here show toward each other is one of the miracles of this place.  i have never felt warmer and fuzzier than i do in this very moment!  thank you all, love you all - you're the best!  i will never forget this.   :grouphug:

 :grouphug: :hug: I'm glad that you are resting and getting loved.

San, I'm so pleased that you can feel the love that we're all sending your way. You are so much loved.

I wonder if your ability to feel this stems from all the hard work you've been putting in with rescripting? It sounds like progress, and as though something has shifted.

:hug:

thank you, tee, as always.  love your hugs and love.  hope you're doing better.

hey, snowdrop, i think that part of the reason i can feel these lovely, loving feelings being sent to me is from being inundated with them since i joined the forum.  nothing but caring and kindness.  i think it's been re-wiring my brain, kind of continual exposure therapy of the best kind.  i don't doubt that the re-scripting, along with the gallons of tears i've allowed myself to cry, and getting out of all my relationships that were toxic has all lent a hand in this phenomenon.

i've had trouble feeling any emotions for most of my life.  i've felt disturbances at times, but couldn't put a name to them, and later found out that's alexithymia.  so, this whole thing of being able to not only feel something but to be able to name it, know what it is, is quite new to me.  feeling love, well i can literally count on one hand the number of times in my life i've been able to actually feel it from someone.  on the other hand, i couldn't really feel love toward anyone either.  still can't, altho i know it's there, but the actual feeling of it hasn't been.  just a few times i've been able to feel it toward one of our cats.  never felt it toward my babies, which really saddens me.

but, there it is.  i'm just glad i'm beginning to feel what it feels like now, at this point in my life.  better late than never, i guess.  i'm glad i've had that experience, tho - it really does feel amazing!  i do believe there's progress being made.  and, it's good.  thank you so much for being you.

getting ready for my d to leave tomorrow for a conference - she'll be gone a week.  it'll be good for both of us.  she calls me every day, which is nice.  i'll be ok w/o her - i've got the cat to keep me company, and everyone here!   :grouphug:

 :yes: yep we will be here for you.  Hope you have a good week.  Full of rest and nice weather that you can enjoy at your leisure. :hug:

thanks, tee.  right now it's raining, and i want to walk my d to the bus stop.  i hope it lets up by the time she has to go.

i'm nervous about being alone.  part of it is the age thing - i'm afraid of falling or choking or something and no one here to help me.  part of it is just being able to consciously feel fear.  i never was frightened in the past when i was on my own.  or at least i didn't know i was.  this fear thing is so weird to me.  i don't like it at all.

Hi sanmagic, maybe it might help to try to think of the fear as a novel experience, another aspect of being open to emotions? I don't not. But, like the other emotions, it is temporary and will pass. I hope once your daughter has gone you will quickly get used to being on your own again.  :hug:

a novel experience - that's a novel idea!  thanks, s&b.  it's just such a horrid emotion to me, i don't know how some people have lived w/ it all their lives!  i don't know that i would've survived that, which is maybe why i haven't had it.  i know it makes me more human, so i'm glad of that.  i just hate the way it feels.  ugh!  it's stressful, and stress is anathema to me and my well-being.  i'm sick because of stress, so adding more doesn't ever feel like a positive thing.  trying to embrace fear?  i'm doing the best i can with that, but ugh!  it's so scary!

I hear you, fear is nasty.

Random suggestion! Have you tried shaking? I worked on fear a few days ago, and I found shaking helped to get rid of it. It feels a bit like shaking apples off a tree.

Sending you courage and trust. :hug:

Hi San,  I'm sorry to hear you have been feeling down and having physical ailments to deal with on top of that. I hope your ankle feels better soon. I like the idea of utilizing the concept of "the healing crisis" for emotional healing as well. It totally makes sense, especially since there may actually be physiological changes happening in our brains as we heal!

I appreciate your shares regarding love.  I often marvel at how difficult it is for me to receive love. I've always thought I felt love for others easily, but how can I truly love if I don't think I deserve love or my love for others is dipped in fear?  Aah, it's all such a complex journey. And feeling fear...  fear is a strange animal. It too is physiological--adrenaline, cortisol, the brain reacting--amygdala taking over, the pre-frontal cortex shutting down, our heart rates changing and diverting blood flow. It really is a powerful experience. One I have been wearing to some extent my entire existence. I read a quote somewhere that "security and fear cannot co-exist." (or something like that) So I ask myself what does security look like? I don't have an answer yet. It's a process right?

I hear you about being alone too. I do think it's helpful when my boys are gone to let someone know I'm on my own. Like a little safety net in a way. I do find i somewhat revel in my alone time (once I adjust) it is so infrequent. I have a feeling you will find magic in the moments, unexpected gifts in the quiet places in the heart while your D is away.

Thinking of you with so much appreciation and sending love.
MB

hey, mb.  thank you so much.  i'm feeling better now.  i think it's the anticipation that produces the fear - i'm not sure.  it's only been in the past couple years that i've been able to not only consciously acknowledge fear, but to actually feel it as well.  i've lived most all my life without it, so it's still kinda new. 

i kind of had an opposite thing going, where i expected to be loved and marveled at, yet at the same time brushed it away.  it was like 'of course i'm wonderful and can accomplish everything - no big deal'  i always felt like i loved myself, never allowed self-criticism, always excused my shortcomings.  again, only in the past few years have i been able to humble down enough to feel human, average, and allow the true feelings (at least some of them - i don't have all of them yet) to be felt within myself, allow the good from others to penetrate as something remarkable. 

yes, it is a process.  security, to me, is knowing that i can deal with whatever comes along, either by myself or with help of some kind.  that's how i've felt most all my life, since about 14 or so.  it was like i had to flip a switch, so i did.  it's only lately that insecurity has bothered me.  part of that has been from being ill for so many years, i had to make adjustments.

at any rate, i'm ok now, but i appreciate your suggestions (the neighbors do know my d is gone).  i know i will love this alone time.  my schedule will be totally different, what and when i do things will be all my own.  i'm a lot on my d's schedule normally cuz i feel it's my job to help her get herself and her business stuff together, and she also has her own issues that can get in the way.  we make a pretty good team, tho. 

thanks again, mb. 

feeling good today.  my d's gone, so i did a round of processing - from 8 mos. to about a year.  the time when i was moving around, beginning to walk.  i heard my dad tell me he's proud of me for the first time - i've been looking for that all my life!  and my mom told me she'd never leave me, would basically always have my back.  another major need that was missing. 

i was able to say the words out loud this time during 3 rounds of brainspotting.  hearing them out loud got me crying, so i know i hit the nail on the head.  i can feel my mind spinning right now, and i'm a little tired.  i went thru 3 different scenarios - one where i was crawling toward something that wasn't a baby thing, my dad swooped me up, told me 'hold on, kiddo', and also told me how i was his precious little girl and he didn't want me to get hurt.  i'm sure that never happened in real life, but it has now happened in my mind, and it's what i needed to hear even now.

i also had a scenario where i was in a high chair, eating, threw some food on the floor that i didn't like.  my mom said 'o, no, i just cleaned the floor', but then quickly added 'it's ok.  let's try something different', and put off cleaning up till i was finished eating.  again, something i doubt would have ever happened.

then i was in the living room beginning to walk (i have no idea how old i was, so i set it at about a year), and both my folks were there, gushing over me, smiling and happy with my accomplishment, and that's when my dad told me how proud of me he was.  well, needless to say, the tears were all over the place during this, but good tears, cleansing tears.  washing away the old truth and clearing the way for a new truth to take hold.

so i'll see what the day has in store for me, will rest if i need to - i'm on my own schedule, and that feels good.  will cook myself some good food, work on my book - i feel like i have lots of energy.  i wonder if my d brings in drag-down energy to our house.  that thought never crossed my mind before.  but, she does.  i'm all about fun and whimsy, she's very logical, precise, and controlled in many ways.  she does love to laugh, tho, and we have laugh-o-meters ringing off the boards when we watch comedies.  but the rest . . .  she's so wounded and can't admit it. 

so, yes, i'm enjoying my time alone.  it is magical, like moonbeam mentioned.  i saw raccoons this morning knocking apples out of a tree and scurrying away with them!  magic! 

That's beautiful, San. I have so much admiration for you with the work that you're doing. Sending you love, hugs and all things magical. :hug:

thanks, snowdrop.  magic it is!

had a few dreams yesterday and last nite, so i know my brain is processing, but i walked this morning, feel strong.  will be able to work on stuff today - i have good energy.

yay!

 :cheer:

thanks for the cheer, snowdrop.

was able to do a lot of stuff today, feeling strong.  i also felt like a well-played tetris game was going on in my brain, pieces falling into place nicely and neatly.  it was a good feeling.

now, it's about time for a nap.  but i feel contented and relaxed, which really feels nice.

 :cheer: that's so awesome San I'm so excited for you.  I hope you have a great time and continue make so much great progress.  :hug:

Quotebut i feel contented and relaxed, which really feels nice.

Sounds nice... glad to hear it! :)

Wow san! Sounds like some breakthroughs!  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:  :hug:

thank you tee, jazzy, and blueberry.  love the support!

got my flu shot the other day, am really feeling the effects of it now.  ugh!  feeling like crapola yesterday and again today.  gonna lay low till this passes.

 :hug: :hug: Hope the bad feeling passes soon.

Feel better soon sanmagic :)

 :hug: to you SanMagic
Hope  :)

thank you blueberry, jazzy, and hope.  i hope i feel better soon, too.

i heard this yesterday while watching the emmys - it took  many years of vomiting up all the filth i'd been taught about myself and half believed before i could walk on this earth as if i had a right to be here. - a quote from activist james baldwin.  altho his quote was about racism and other issues, we all struggle here w/ the filth we've been taught about ourselves, and the difficulty we have in believing we have a right to walk this earth.

i believe that' what we're doing here on the forum and in our lives is a similar struggle - not only getting rid of the poison, but healing from the corrosiveness of it.  it really feels like there are 2 parts to this process.  maybe more, cuz we first have to be able to see that we were poisoned in the first place!  sometimes that's the hardest part.

i'm still sick from that dang flu shot.  i got the high dose one for people over 65, and found it it's 4x as strong.  no wonder i'm suffering.  i've often gotten sick after these things, but they were all the regular kind.  thank heaven there's netflix. 

I hope you feel better soon, San. :hug:

Sorry to hear you're rough, sanmagic, and I hope you feel better soon. Also a big fan of Netflix here, it's great for when I'm feeling not so good!

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 23, 2019, 01:13:06 PM
i believe that' what we're doing here on the forum and in our lives is a similar struggle - not only getting rid of the poison, but healing from the corrosiveness of it.  it really feels like there are 2 parts to this process.  maybe more, cuz we first have to be able to see that we were poisoned in the first place!  sometimes that's the hardest part. 

Well said San. I really appreciate you. 

Sorry to hear you are unwell. Rest up and take care of you.  :hug:

Very good point sanmagic. I hope you recover quickly!

Quotethank heaven there's netflix.

This made me smile. Thank you for that. :)

 :hug: feel better San☕️ here's some tea.   :hug:

hey, tee, jazzy, mb, and s&b - thanks so much for the well wishes.  i am feeling better today.  yay! 

my d's coming home today - the time flew by. 

i watched the pilot of a new show last nite 'prodigal son'.  i'll watch again.  it was mentioned that the main character has c-ptsd!  couldn't believe it!  it's showing what he's going thru being an investigator and how his symptoms get in the way, what happens to him, how he deals with it.  quite intense, but my o my, they're nailing it!  i was in shock when c-ptsd was actually said out loud.

so, i'm doing mundane chores today and just kind of reveling in feeling better.  i think i'll wait till next week for another round of re-scripting, but i'm feeling pleased w/ the progress.  even with only the first year of my life done, i can already feel the difference.  some strange dreams still, but one about having to go to my mom for help was soothing - the way we both acted in the dream was different than it had been in real life, so it feels like some of what i've worked on is producing pos. results.  i was most surprised at my own ability in the dream to feel comfortable and confident w/ her, like it was very natural.  i liked it.

thank you all for your support and healing vibes - i have no doubt you're all a pos. part of my recovery, not just from this but from all the rest of it as well.  you all rock!

let us know if the show seems to be good even after a few episodes?

I hope you had a nice time with your d coming back home, and that she's had a good time away.

thank you sweet sceal - i'll let you know.  i'm not sure if it's going to get too gruesome or not. 

my d and i are having a wonderful time being together again.  she's so glad to be home!

i just finished my book, now for the final run-through, which will hopefully happen later this week.  then, my d is going to format it for me, and i can see about putting it on the market, or what exactly i'm going to do with it.  it's kind of an exciting adventure!

so, brain-fried at the moment.  but in a good way,.

San, that is soooo exciting! Congrats.   :cheer: :applause:

I'm glad your D is home safe and sound too and all is well. 

 :cheer: :hug: so glad for you San those are some big steps. Can't wait to hear more about your book.  And the show I thought about watching it just not sure yet.  :hug:

Congratulations on finishing your book! That's extraordinary! It's so hard to write books I find. :hug:

Congratulations!  :woohoo:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 25, 2019, 10:02:41 PM
i just finished my book, now for the final run-through, which will hopefully happen later this week.  then, my d is going to format it for me, and i can see about putting it on the market, or what exactly i'm going to do with it.  it's kind of an exciting adventure!

Very exciting. Congratulations.  :cheer:

moonbeam, tee, sceal, and notalone, thank you for being excited for me.  more later.

right now, i just finished a re-scripting session.  it was sparked by a comment from a forum friend about the lies my dad told me.  what was significant to me was that he also always told me to be honest.  yet, when i broke my arm falling off my cousin's scooter, he told me to lie about it at school the next day, to say that i ran into a door.  he also had me duck down in the car the day we went to their house for something so they wouldn't see the sling on my arm.

i think i've mentioned that this is double-bind stuff, where you're expected to do, say, believe 2 contrasting things at the same time.  it's a schizophrenic making dynamic.  be honest and lie.  it traps you, traps your mind.  i quickly flashed to that first t, my ex, and my d who trapped me in a triangle of this.  my workplace also did the same thing.  it's a miracle i have some semblance of sanity - but that's why i ran to mex.  i was losing the little i still had left.

so, i ended up doing some re-scripting this morning - the urge overwhelmed me to get this up and out.  i think i got to 18 mos., but it's not quite finished yet.  i still have to get an apology from my father for starting the double-bind thing in the first place (so, i would more easily fall into that same trap later in life), and from my mother for allowing it to happen.

what i did do, tho, was have him take my hand, walk me around, tell me not to touch something because it could break, then say 'wait, i'll put it up out of the way so you don't get hurt'.  i had my mother stand up to him, too, telling him not to expect me to be perfect, that i was fine the way i was.  it's important in this re-scripting that she stand up to him before the damage is done.  she didn't do that till it was too late.

when i included those 3 people in my life, i also threw in my last workplace, where they were doing the same thing.  i was able to say that they were all wrong for doing that.  i both yawned and cried a lot during this.  i'm drained right now, but feeling more peaceful inside. 

there's more to do during this time period, but that's for another day.  this was good for today, and i've got to rest a bit before i tackle the rest of it.  this felt quite general, so i'm guessing i need more details next time.  but, it's a start.

 :hug:

You're working really hard, san, and really moving forwards  :cheer:  :hug: :hug:

 :cheer: :hug: your doing such great work.  I'm so proud of you. :hug:

notalone, blueberry, and tee - you don't know how much i've needed you today.  this sent me reeling.  thank you so much for your support.  it means the world.

 :applause:  :yourock:

thank you, snowdrop.  this chunk took a lot out of me today, maybe cuz i mixed it w/ people of later years.  it all seemed connected, but it was a span of more than 40 yrs. i was dealing w/ that double-bind stuff.  it was difficult to realize just how much it affected me.  it's hard to put into words just how i'm feeling about it - shame came to mind first off.  i feel like i'm ashamed for them, their cruelty and meanness.  even tho my folks set it up originally, they truly didn't know better.  but the others - they were all involved w/ therapy and therapeutic practices, yet they still did that to me.  it's so hard to understand. 

i was at the brink several times because of what they did as intelligent, knowing adults, and i'm feeling nearly at the brink again, but i'm thinking this must be an ef right now, which shows me what a frickin' profound impact it had on my brain and mind.  it's difficult to comprehend the enormity of this, what it did to me.  not only to the brink of sanity, but to the brink of leaving physically as well.  several times.  i'm paying a huge price right now, working on staying present and being ok. but honestly, i haven't felt this disoriented in a long time.  haven't felt like an ef since nearly 2 yrs. ago. 

i'm hoping to be able to shower tomorrow, and to walk.  it may be a xanax day, tho.  my brain is reeling, as if i'm in shock.  i'm pretty strong, but this is pretty deep crapola to deal with.  and i know it's not finished, this piece.  i don't know whether to finish it tomorrow, maybe that'll clear it up, or wait till i come away from where i am right now instead.  it just feels so undone, so open and raw.  at the same time, it feels like it needs to be closed up, stitched up so this part can heal.  doesn't feel like this can heal without that. any suggestions?  perspectives? opinions? 

getting tired, think i'll watch a bit of tv and hopefully fall asleep.  doesn't feel like a good sleeping nite.  my brain is too unhinged. 

I can understand that this has affected you a lot. You're doing brilliantly though, sweetie, you honestly are.

I wonder if you need to see what feels right in the morning as to what you do next.

I hope you sleep well. Remember that you're safe. It's morning here, so I'll be around if you need me. <brings relaxing tea and wraps you in a blanket>  :hug:

Let's sit in the porch together! (everyone's invited -) I'll bring you some tea, fluff up some quilts - if it's nippy outside I'll zap the quilts in the dryer first to warm them - after we discuss your feelings we'll do some deep breathing and then work on our chakras some more.

If we feel really angry we can do some exercises there, too. I'll role play with you and you can say everything you've ever wanted to say to them!

Then it's off to watch some tennis. Maybe a walk on the beach, or in the forest.  :grouphug:

hey, snowdrop, it was comforting to know you'd be around, it really was.  thank you for that.  i ended up sleeping ok, but dreamed i'd gone to england, was working on projects w/ people there.  strange dream in that every other time i've been stressed, i've dreamt of traveling, but up until last nite it was  always to mexico.  this was my first non-mexican trip (i've never been to the u.k.).  it wasn't a bad dream, but it seemed like escape, which makes sense to me.

just as an honest thing, i bristled when i read the word 'subtle'.  i can understand subtle as something that's not overt, such as physical or sexual abuse, but i honestly never thought of what they did as subtle.  maybe some of it was, but mostly it was covert, insidious, and relentless.  yes, that description just made my gut roil.  don't want to go any further - i'm getting too upset.  but, thank you for your care and concern for me last nite.  it was so appreciated.

3r, the thought of sitting on the porch w/ you brings tears to my eyes.  i am feeling quite fragile today - warm quilts sound lovely, but i'll trade the tea for hot chocolate (tea doesn't set well in my tum).  never thought of anger - haven't gotten there yet, i don't think.  talking would be wonderful, tho.  a fire in the fireplace in the cabin in the forest, little waves lapping against the shore, yes.  that's where i'd like to be.  it really is nippy outside.  thank you so much for your offer.

i'm too war-torn right now to try any more therapy.  honestly, all of you who do this stuff while you have work and families, well, you are  . . . .  i just don't know how you do it.  my hat's off to you.  i can barely move from one room to the next, let alone having a deadline to meet or responsibilities such as children or partners to contend with.  that's so much strength! 

so, i'm heading for the shower, wash some of this crapola down the drain.  thank you all for being here with me.  talk about feeling weak!  you're all holding me up right now, and i love you all for it.   :grouphug:

I'm glad you slept OK.

Apologies. I had no idea my use of that word would affect you in that way. Thank you for telling me. I will edit my post to remove that word.

I hope you have a restful time on the porch. A :hug: if that helps.

snowdrop, you are a sweetheart, and don't ever let anyone tell you differently, not even, well, anyone!  thank you - that was very kind.  the hug always helps!  thanks for that, too.

Sorry to hear this has upset you so Sanmagic. It sounds like you are making progress with it though, so that is a good positive to focus on. I hope you were able to get some sleep, and are feeling a bit better today. I believe you can get through this. Stay strong! Take care! :)

Sanmagic: Want you to know I care about you.  :hug:

 :hug: I'm sorry I didn't see these till now I was off tech yesterday.  I hope today has been a little better and you were able to sleep with some peace last night.  Sending a huge calming hug filled with love and comfort :hug:

Hi San, rest is a necessary part of recovery. You've been working so hard, processing so much. It's time for a little R & R. You deserve loving care and kindness and extra helpings of hot chocolate.  Thinking of you.  :hug:

jazzy. thank you for the encouragement.  i am strong, but after so many years of doing this stuff, sometimes i really wonder if it's worth it.  your emphasis on focusing on the positive of what i'm doing helped a lot.  thanks.   :hug:

notaline, i read that sentence and felt my heart warmed by it.  it was beautiful and the timing was perfect.  thank you.   :hug:

tee, a hug filled with love and comfort was just right.  i did sleep well, and that always helps.  am also feeling better today.  :hug:

mb, rest it is.  i completely agree w/ you about rest being an active thing rather than 'lazy' or whatnot.  and, i must've felt you, cuz i bought hot chocolate at the store yesterday!  thanks for thinking of me.  so appreciated.   :hug:

once again, this magical place got me thru a rough time (that and a little xanax!  lol!), but i'm feeling much better today.  i've had a busy morning, but now am going down for a nap.  and this afternoon, i'll just do what i feel like, not what any kind of 'should' might creep in.  thank you all!   :grouphug:

i don't know how many of you, and everyone on this forum, realize just how precious you all are.  anyone who is fighting this by looking within themselves rather than taking it out on others over and over is absolutely the kind of person i'm grateful to have in my life.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on October 01, 2019, 06:43:01 PM
  i've had a busy morning, but now am going down for a nap.  and this afternoon, i'll just do what i feel like, not what any kind of 'should' might creep in.  thank you all!   :grouphug:

San, glad you are doing better. Your plan sounds like healthy self-care and kindness.  :applause:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on October 01, 2019, 06:43:01 PM
i don't know how many of you, and everyone on this forum, realize just how precious you all are.  anyone who is fighting this by looking within themselves rather than taking it out on others over and over is absolutely the kind of person i'm grateful to have in my life.

I agree!

Quote from: sanmagic7 on October 01, 2019, 06:43:01 PM
i don't know how many of you, and everyone on this forum, realize just how precious you all are.  anyone who is fighting this by looking within themselves rather than taking it out on others over and over is absolutely the kind of person i'm grateful to have in my life.

Right back at you, san!  :grouphug:

 :hug: I'm glad you are feeling better. I appreciate you too!  Glad the hug was helpful. :hug:

notalone, thanks for the validation.  i've been called lazy in the past when i've taken time for myself.  i love that people here believe in it as an active, wellness thing.

blueberry, thank you so much for that.  i am able to remember these things at times, and it is comforting to hear them in my head once again.

tee, thank you.  feeling even better today.  whew! 

still not going to do personal work, but will continue working on my book today.  what a gorgeous morning!  there were pinky peachy clouds, and they caused the ocean to look like a heathery lavender color.  it was a brisk walk - i could see my breath - but it felt so very good to be able to get out early once again and feel the freshness of the day.

wishing you all pleasure and peace.

San, big heart hug to you. Thank you for sharing the beautiful image of your morning and your amazing, inspirational journey.

And as always, thank you for the kind words to us all and wishes of pleasure and peace. To you as well, dear one.  :hug:

thank you, mb - i love that big heart hug!  you are dear to me as well.   :hug:

it always makes me smile when you write about your walks. So glad you're enjoying them. I didn't know you lived nearby the sea!

hey, sceal, if i had a past life, i do believe i would have been part of a woodland tribe.  growing up there was a woods near our house where we played in nearly every day possible during the summer.  now, i have this tremendous rainforest for my backyard, and just beyond it is the ocean.  i can walk to the beach in 10 min. and can hear it on its more turbulent days thru my bedroom window.  it's quite the best of both worlds.  glad it makes you smile!  i feel the same way when i know you've been for a hike in nature - something that we share that's really positive and spirit renewing.   :hug:

got up this morning about 5 and felt overwhelmingly tired.  still do.  i was able to roll over and snooze some more, which is unusual for me, but it felt good to just stay in bed.  i realized that i have this pressure on myself to accomplish things - i'm editing my book, going for walks, posting here, knitting a cover for my bed - which doesn't seem like a lot, perhaps, but i can feel the push from inside to keep going, as if i have a deadline or time limit, and something bad will happen if i don't keep up.

i don't know exactly what this is all about, but it was a good realization.  i think it's part of the pressure i'm always feeling and why i very rarely feel relaxed.  i've been knitting for many, many years while i'd watch tv at nite, and have always like doing it that way, but i finally saw this pressure on myself to keep going, keep pushing, and i feel bad (guilty?) if i don't get 2 squares done each nite.  pressure and its resulting tension, and lately i'm feeling pain in my finger joints and beginning to question whether i'm getting arthritis.  but maybe it's just the tension while knitting, which should be a relaxing task.

don't know about this, just wanted to write it down.  opinions are always welcome, since i have a hard time being in touch w/ what's going on brain-wise. 

san, I read this and think  :blink: :blink: because you're so understanding with what you write to me about not pressurising myself and allowing myself downtime! Idk what else to say but sending  :hug: :hug:

Sometimes it can be really challenging just to allow ourselves to relax. Its good you're realizing this and listening to your body though. Arthritis usually has swelling with it, so that's something to watch out for. Take care sanmagic! :)

 :hug: I think sometimes we have an inner drive to do things like we have always done. And sometimes things change and evolve and we need to sit back without guilt or harsh judgment on ourselves to see if we need a to take a breath or change.  You have done so much work lately.  Maybe you just need sometime to breathe. Sending a big hug :hug:

thank you all for your responses.

bb, i guess i can't always see for myself what i'm able to see for others.  kind of a 'doctor, heal thyself' thing.  even as a t, i can't do therapy on myself, as far as being able to see a whole picture, what something means to me, a surety of guiding myself as to where to go next, what direction to follow, etc.  i'm not perfect, especially at being able to recognize what's going on w/ me and why when i'm in the middle of it.  i sometimes have that expectation of myself, too, which is also pressuring. 

quite honestly, your response was a bit triggering as far as that kind of expectation.  it rattled me.  i wasn't allowed to be average, was always held to a 'more than that' bar, and i did my best to live up to it.  but i can't do it all, not even in this area, which is why i write here to try to figure things out or get help with that.  sorry if i confused you, and i hope that clarifies it somewhat.   i'm feeling very sad right now cuz i'm really just another bird on the wire, and it's been difficult to accept that.

jazzy, it is difficult to relax, even take time off, but most of these things i'm doing seem like what others would do to relax, yet they had this pressure thing attached.  since i don't have much experience w/ an ICr, i was wondering if that feeling of pressure was, indeed, ICr stuff.  i don't even know if i recognize what an ICr is all about.  is that leftover messages from when we were kids?  i've  rarely, until i got on the forum for a couple years, even felt anything like guilt, shame, stuff like that.  i don't remember ever having feelings or thoughts of self-loathing - all that stuff was not allowed for me, or i would never have survived, i don't think.  i made excuses for myself like i did for others, let myself off the hook, and that felt natural and easy. 

anyway, that's where i got messed up with this - most of these things i'm doing, in between naps, games, and tv, 'should' be like hobbies, to take care of me, make me feel better, enjoy something less cerebral, so i got confused by all this pressure i'm feeling.  like, tomorrow is my birthday, and my d wants to take me to this restaurant in town i'd like to try, and i'm feeling pressure about that!  it's like i have to shower, dress differently, do makeup and hair - all things i want to do - but i feel pressure to perform.  it's not like i haven't gone out w/o all that stuff, but i also want to show my d that i'm enjoying the specialness of what she;'s doing for me.  it's just confusing to me, and i've spent so much of my life confused, and i hate it.  and now i want to cry again.

tee, do you think that inner drive is natural, tho?  i know i have an age thing going on - i'll be 72 tomorrow - so sometimes i do feel like i've got a second chance after being so sick for so long and i want to make the most of the time i have while i'm feeling better, and cuz i'm on the slide downwards age-wise.  maybe there are too many factors playing into this, and it'll help to sort thru them.  my d has told me to do things cuz i want to, not cuz i'm thinking i don't have much time left.  i think that's a good idea, but this pressure thing gets in the way, and it's so big and solid i don't really know how to move it.

so, here i am again.   :stars:  ???   :Idunno:   

Hi San, I understand the pressure you feel to do all the things, whether it's 20 things in a day or 2. And if I don't accomplish them, I feel like I've failed and that feeling something bad will happen, phew, it's a tough one and it's always right there at the edge of it--linked to the need to keep moving, keep doing, like if I can just stay ahead of it, I will have somehow maintained control. It's hard to be relaxed when we don't ever really feel like we can let our guard down--I think it's a kind of hyper-vigilance. Not sure if that is related to what you are feeling, but it came to me when reading your words.

I'm a knitter too, though I haven't picked it up in the last few years. I always found knitting to be a comfort and comfort feels like a kind of self-care to me. I wonder if you might shift the goals you set, to allow room for a little more ease, a little more space in the task. For example, maybe the goal becomes one square a night and the other square time is you lovingly massaging your hands with some nicely scented oil that you enjoy. Both activities of self care and both equally important. The end result is progress on the project and deep care for you. And hopefully pain-free knitting! Historically, St John's Wart oil has been known to ease joint pain. You could mix that with a carrier oil (like almond or something) and an essential oil scent you find comforting.

I'm also thinking about the concept of the journey vs the destination, though I don't have a quote or eloquent thought to match. I just find that when I focus solely on the destination or end result, I often miss some important moments, lessons or experiences on the way.

I'm really glad you shared. I always learn so much from you and appreciate you dearly.  :hug:

Hi again. Crossing posts. I hit send and then saw your update. I feel your pain San, and I'm standing with you. I wanted to tell a story--When my younger son was still an infant, I went to see a speaker talking about, well lots of things, but one thing they spent a long time on was creating a feeling of peace within. This was during a time I was in complete denial of my past still and considered myself "normal" and at least super functional. We sat and she talked about allowing the sensation of peace to enter our consciousness, like it was a thing we all had within us and knew how to do. I had no clue what peace was supposed to feel like. I had literally never experienced it. (I think I understand the concept now, but still not there yet). Needless to say, I left the group feeling like there was something wrong with me, that I couldn't experience or even grasp the concept of peace. There was something wrong, complex trauma and now I know this and it makes sense to me.

San, there are days now I literally can't get out of bed, not one thing gets done, I cancel everything. I used to show up anyway when I felt like that and I always felt like I was going to break. I agree with others that you have been digging into some incredibly deep work and you perhaps are needing some time to grow into the new awarenesses you are tapping into, this amazing new stretch of healing you have opened the door to. Your light gets brighter not dimmer, as you walk through this, even when its not pretty. San, you have a beautiful light within you.

Happy birthday tomorrow! Since its your birthday, I think you get to choose the way you celebrate guilt-free and if that means sweat pants and take-out, with extra ice cream and binge watching Netflix, so be it. You and your d can hit that restaurant when you are feeling up to it. Really make a night of it! Fancy clothes and all. It doesn't have to be tomorrow.

:hug:

mb, i can't express how comforting all your words were as i read them.  i want to let them sink in and just be within me.  so much of what you said has been my experience, too - it was like i was writing it.  thank you so.

i also had a conversation w/ my d yesterday about her sister, with whom we are both nc. she's d1.  it came from their father - i heard my d talking to him, knew it was him, which always upsets me just in itself.  he called to pass along info from d1 to her - 4 points, actually.  one was pretty standard, about her being very ill and d2 not being there for her (d1 has been ill w/ strange and not so strange conditions since she was about 14), and the guilt trips have accompanied them, even when we were most definitely there for her, running our butts off to accommodate and take care of her.  it was never enough, never the right thing to do no matter what we did.

but, that's old news.  one of the new ones was that she accused their father of being a catalyst in this estrangement between them because he didn't intervene.  my face immediately became tight, and my d noticed it.  i just said, 'yeah, i know that one', but it was in reference to the fact that all my life w/ her, he never stepped in, never took my side, never said a word to her about how she'd been treating me.  so, it was a big trigger for me personally, as well as the fact that she'd accused him of the same thing w/ her and her sister.

she knows - that also ran thru my mind.  he's already told us all that he checked out of any and all of our family dynamics, especially the neg. stuff, but doing just enough pos. that he kept everyone fooled.  but, she knows, she told him, and she told him to pass it along to d2.  our fam is so fractured, so messed up, it will never be put back together in any semblance of okayness.  still, the entire conversation ended up triggering me on several different levels.  last nite, watching tv till the wee hours, tears ran down my face for how horribly wrong it's all gone, and for d1, who has suffered so much, even if a lot of it is of her own doing.

i just kept saying over and over 'i'm sorry'.  and, here come the tears again.  no wonder i have a hard time feeling any joy for this birthday.  it also triggered me for the fact that so many birthdays have had neg. connotations around them because of the unwholesome dynamics and antics of d1 over the years.  too many of them got spoiled, to the point that one year i decided to change my birthday to july 29, some random date, cuz i felt like my real birthday was cursed.  so, yeah, on retrospect, maybe that's part of why i'm feeling so down about this one.  i mentioned it to my d last nite, she kind of brushed it away, like i was making too big a deal of it, so i became quiet.  maybe i'm selfish, but the timing couldn't be more spot on.  and, he delivered this message yesterday, knowing about the whole birthday thing.  i've gotten really paranoid, i think.  conspiracy crapola.  i hate this.

I'm sorry, San. A hug if that helps. :hug:

more than you know, snowdrop.  thank you.

 :hug: hugs San understanding hugs yesterday just stunk for dealing with eldest children I guess.  Don't let it ruin your birthday. You deserve to be celebrated and enjoyed.   :hug: send a shoulder to cry on if you need that, hug full of understanding that we can't change the past or the children who break our hearts. :hug:

i'll take that shoulder to cry on, tee, and welcome it.  and, please allow me to offer one back to you.  kids can really suck!  thank you so.   :hug: :hug:

Sorry you are being put through this, especially on your birthday, and especially this is a recurring thing around birthday time. I guess you can't change the way they act, but you can take some time to make it special for you on your birthday. Whatever it is you would like, or would make you feel happy or relaxed.

I had an idea when I read some of the things you wrote, hopefully it will help. You said that you hadn't dealt with ICr much, the shame and guilt etc by just letting yourself off the hook. In my experience, things like that don't just go away when we try to block them out. Maybe your ICr has taken the form of this pressure you feel about yourself, because that's the way it has been allowed to be expressed. Maybe I am totally wrong, but I thought I should share that thought with you in hope it may lead to some relief.

So, despite everything going on, have a happy birthday! ... and if that's not possible, maybe just have a moment for yourself on your birthday.  :phoot: :cake: :fireworks:

Take care sanmagic! :)

San, you are not paranoid. There is no coincidence in the timing of d1's message through your ex. It was manipulative and unkind of both of them and sounds like the latest of a long line of mistreatment and abusive highjacking, particularly of your birthday. A day that is about celebrating you. All the parts about that conversation and the pushing in at a totally inappropriate time, in a totally inappropriate way, says to me things have not changed for them. Yeah, I'd be super triggered too.

It sounds like you are mourning San. Another layer has peeled away and you are feeling the pain and loss of that relationship and all that you went through with d1 with deeper understanding. All the hard work you have been doing has made room for greater healing and part of that is the pain of letting go. I also wonder if d2's reaction to your thoughts regarding d1 and your birthday and the whole conversation with her f  triggered some of her own feelings about their relationship. She may be feeling feelings around it too, that she isn't quite ready to share. I don't think this means you can't be open and honest about your feelings. It's hard to navigate when our children are adults. I find I don't share much with my 20yo because I still want to protect him. From what? I'm not really sure.

You are right. We can't go back and some relationships may never find repair. What we can do is be compassionate, kind and patient with ourselves, take each new day as an opportunity to grow--whatever that may look like (being a hot mess or killing the 100yd dash) and create a life that we need and deserve with loving people in it, walking beside us. In this way, as an example, we can invite healing for those around us--whether they choose to heal or not is up to them. It is a  beautiful thing that you and d2 have such a sweet relationship, that you can forge ahead together. I'm glad she is there with you.

San, you are doing amazing work. Allowing your feelings, the tears to flow, well, it feels awful in the moment, but is such a sign of growth and strength. You are so brave and strong. I hope you can allow the tears to come with compassion for you, and let the feelings out, making room for even greater healing.  I'm holding you in my heart. Hang in. we're here for you with all of the compassion and love you deserve. :hug:

You are going through so much pain. My heart goes out to you.  :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on October 06, 2019, 06:08:03 PM
bb, i guess i can't always see for myself what i'm able to see for others.  kind of a 'doctor, heal thyself' thing.  even as a t, i can't do therapy on myself, as far as being able to see a whole picture, what something means to me, a surety of guiding myself as to where to go next, what direction to follow, etc.  i'm not perfect, especially at being able to recognize what's going on w/ me and why when i'm in the middle of it.  i sometimes have that expectation of myself, too, which is also pressuring. 

quite honestly, your response was a bit triggering as far as that kind of expectation.  it rattled me.  i wasn't allowed to be average, was always held to a 'more than that' bar, and i did my best to live up to it.  but i can't do it all, not even in this area, which is why i write here to try to figure things out or get help with that.  sorry if i confused you, and i hope that clarifies it somewhat.   i'm feeling very sad right now cuz i'm really just another bird on the wire, and it's been difficult to accept that.

dear san, I'm so sorry for triggering you and making it seem like I was expecting you to be better at self-diagnosis than everybody else on here. I don't know what else to say except my Deep Apologies and I'll try to think a bit more before I write next time.   :hug:

Quote from: MoonBeam on October 06, 2019, 11:00:51 PM
San, you are not paranoid. There is no coincidence in the timing of d1's message through your ex. It was manipulative and unkind of both of them and sounds like the latest of a long line of mistreatment and abusive highjacking, particularly of your birthday. A day that is about celebrating you. All the parts about that conversation and the pushing in at a totally inappropriate time, in a totally inappropriate way, says to me things have not changed for them. Yeah, I'd be super triggered too.

It sounds like you are mourning San. Another layer has peeled away and you are feeling the pain and loss of that relationship and all that you went through with d1 with deeper understanding. All the hard work you have been doing has made room for greater healing and part of that is the pain of letting go. 

You are right. We can't go back and some relationships may never find repair. What we can do is be compassionate, kind and patient with ourselves, take each new day as an opportunity to grow-

San, you are doing amazing work. Allowing your feelings, the tears to flow, well, it feels awful in the moment, but is such a sign of growth and strength. You are so brave and strong. I hope you can allow the tears to come with compassion for you, and let the feelings out, making room for even greater healing. 

:yeahthat: So glad other mbrs have better words than I do a lot of the time. Sending  :hug: :hug:

Darling San!
I don't know what words I could say that would make you feel better. The hurt you are feeling is understandable. You are entitled to your feelings. To your grief and sadness over this.
Being robbed from having a good birthday is no fun. Year after year after year. And being robbed from a healthy and positive contact with your D1. I cannot imagine what pain that must be like, even if she is a narcessist.. it must hurt so much.

We're here for you. Sending you hugs, and loads of caring.

thank you, everyone, for your kindness and caring through this.  i ended up having a great birthday, mostly because of all of you, and because my d had all her friends who know me send me email bday wishes!  we went to the casino cuz we each had $5 vouchers, but they turned out to have expired, but i got one back cuz it was my bday, and i won $.50!!!  then we went to the store and found this little bday cake on sale, and finally had lunch at a lovely restaurant overlooking the ocean.  she even got to see her first ever surfer catch a wave and ride it!  plus, the food was excellent (new place, so we were taking a chance) and our neighbor lent us her car, which made this all possible. 

i'd saged myself in the morning and scrubbed as much neg. off me as i could, especially my chakras, and i think that also helped get rid of some of the bad.  but mostly, i kept being surprised here and during the day, so it didn't leave much room for the crapola.  it turned out to be a great bday, one i'll always remember - but in a good way!

jazzy, i think you may have hit on something.  it's true that i've floated thru most of my life cuz i wasn't wired right for emotions and their expression - i couldn't recognize how i felt, just that i was 'upset' or 'good'.  so, the idea of this pressure being somehow connected to an ICr is a possibility.  i don't know if i'll ever truly know, but i think that's a good idea.

notalone, as i mentioned above, i have a hard time recognizing these feelings, so pain really didn't register with me, but i thank you for recognizing it on my behalf.  all i felt was some anger (i'm getting better with that one) and some despair that i couldn't believe he'd do that.  of course he would, tho.  ugh - my chest is tightening just thinking about that.  he's always done stuff like that, and i look like the idiot when i confront it cuz others often see it as only a coincidence.  but, i guess it would be painful.

ok, the word 'hurt' just floated thru my mind.  it hurts that he would choose that particular day to relay these messages, knowing that d2 would tell me about them, and how upsetting all this stuff about my daughters is.  also a little twitch of hate jumped up.  so, this is triggering again.  but, i guess that's how i survived everything all my life, was by not being able to have these feelings.  i don't know how i would've lived otherwise.

blueberry, thank you.  i know that we can't always know triggers for others.  i get that.  you didn't know.  i know i've done the same for others here.  but, i appreciate the apology.  i didn't mean to cause you any undue upset - i just think it's good for me to be honest, because i've been so out of touch w/ that kind of thing for so long.  so, no worries.

mb, thank you so much for your compassion and caring .  and for the validation!  that felt really good.  my hub called me early yesterday morning, sand happy birthday, and listened while i told him about this incident.  he appropriately cursed out my ex, which felt really good, and i was able to cry and he let me - well, he's been thru all this with the two of them for many, many years, and knows what it's done to me. 

at the suggestion that i may be in mourning (again!), i wore black and blue yesterday.  i loved the outfit, but i did think of mourning as i was getting dressed, and later of the black and blue as symbolic of the bruising i've endured because of him, and that i just can't friggin' get away from it!  that is so frustrating!  he comes at me thru my d.  so, when i've said to myself, 'it's in the past, i'm safe', it really doesn't ring true.  i'm not safe.  and i can't run far enough away to ever feel safe as long as he's alive.  what a horrible thought.

sweet sceal, thank you.  and, you're right - i know you're all here for me, and i can't begin to express how much that meant to me this year.  the words you said were just right. 

all in all, with a lot of help from my dear friends, i made it thru this birthday w/ flying colors.  i appreciate you all, and what you've done for me, being here for me, has been of immeasurable help.  you're the best!  love and hugs all around.   :grouphug:

So very happy to hear. That despite everything, you still had a wonderful birthday! Really sweet of your D to get her friends send birthday wishes! And really fun that you won some money even if your voucher had expired!  :grouphug:

That's really awesome. So glad you had a great bday!  :cheer:

I'm so glad that you ended up having a great birthday. I love that you won $.50!

sceal, notalone, and jazzy - thank you so much!

unfortunately, it's all taken its toll, and i'm down for the count today.  going to the porch, to the cabin with a roaring fire, my rocker, a blanket of rest and relaxation, hot chocolate and a fun book.  take care, all of you lovely people!   :grouphug:  see you when i feel better.

I'm so glad your birthday went so well. Your relaxation plans sound fab. :zzz:

Have a great and relaxing time on the porch!  :hug: :hug:

Dear SanMagic,
Glad your Birthday went ok and that you enjoyed it.  Your daughter was so thoughtful too - lovely to have greetings from her friends who know you as well.
Hope you are enjoying relaxing on the porch, the fun book sounds great and the chocolate too.   :hug:
Hope  :)

thanks, hope.  a lot.

these past 10 days have been triggering and re-triggering - about 3 or 4 major triggers around my ex and d1.  2 nightmares in 24 hrs. today.  i've been so stressed out by this, it's all i've been able to do to get my feet under me.  i've been doing a lot of sleeping, watching tv, reading (it is a fun book, hope) and i'm hoping to get back on track this week.  dang, they just don't stop coming!  from the source, from the dreams (up at 2:30 this morning, couldn't get back to sleep till 10), from a friend of my d who's having similar problems w/ her d, who is 14, and wanted to talk to me about it since i went thru something similar with d1.  d2 and i talked about it, decided it's not a good thing for me to do.  she's been triggered by it as well, so we're just kinda hangin' on by our teeth today. 

i read where kizzie was wondering out loud if, at her age, it's worth it to find a t.  honestly (altho i didn't have the energy to respond to her), i wish i had one, and i'm several years older than her.  it would seem like a relief to me to have someone face to face to help me thru this crapola, give me some guidance, some stability i could lean on - o, that sounds heavenly!  my d is great for a lot of things, but i can't talk to her about my ex/her father, so all that has to get worked w/ on my own.  maybe it's cuz these triggers keep coming and i can't get away from one more attack or being ignored or being affected thru my d and her issues with her sis and him that continue to be put in her face thru him.

trigger torture by proxy.

 :hug: :hug: and large nightmare/trigger-reducing  :grouphug:

that was beautiful, blueberry.  thank you.  i appreciate it. :hug:

Sorry you're having such a rough time Sanmagic. Hang in there, things will get better! Take care! :)

San, wanted to send a big, gentle  :hug:. It's really hard when it just keeps coming. It brings up all sorts of other aspects on top of the initial triggers for me when that happens. My T and I have been talking about dual awareness. I'm still learning, but the gist is that the trigger is happening and the usual ways our minds and body's cope/coped with the trigger happen, but then there is another piece that comes in--a knowing that we are being triggered. A sense that we can get through it, that perhaps some of it isn't even ours to take on and (eventually for me hopefully) a sense that we will be ok even when we are in it.

Hang in San. I feel for all the crappola being put on you. Holding you in my heart.

MB

thanks for the well wishes, jazzy.  much appreciated. :hug:

mb, i understand what you're saying, and i agree.  part of the problem i'm having is that the behavior of his comes at me anew, thru my d.  it's not just another trigger, but another slash at me.  the triggers are what i see on tv shows and the like.  these are fresh wounds that keep coming.  it just gets wearing.  maybe i don't know how to explain it properly.  i don't know anymore.  i know i can get thru the outlying triggers - those are reminders of past wounds - but this is one more nasty behavior after another still hurting me in the present.   i appreciate being held in your heart - it's safe and cozy there.  thank you.   :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on October 16, 2019, 05:04:00 AM
part of the problem i'm having is that the behavior of his comes at me anew, thru my d.  it's not just another trigger, but another slash at me. 

I so get that, san! That's what B1, B2 and SIL2 did to me at Horrendous FOO Event no. 2. Another slash. Perfectly explained/worded.

Sending loads of compassion and an OOTS-sized hug that really holds you safe from all this crapola.  :grouphug:

thank you, blueberry, for getting it.  there's no defense against this stuff.  sorry you experience it, too.  it puts all our other survival, recovery, and healing work in jeopardy once again.  and over and over.  takes away the totality of feeling safe cuz it blindsides us.  then we have to battle our way back up one more time, licking a new wound on the way.  ugh! 

for me, the neg. thinking comes back.  all that i worked toward putting that to rest so my mind can be more useful is seemingly flushed away, and the defenses against it have to be built up one more time.  it's just extra work that has to be done to get back to where i once was.  wearing and exhausting, and takes away energy from things i'd rather be doing.

and the beat goes on.

Sending you love, hugs, and feelings of safety and security. :hug:

thanks, snowdrop.  reading your comforting words helped my heart slow a bit.   :hug:

Big warm hug!

I'm so sorry San. I totally understand. You are so brave and strong to have fought off so much for so long. You deserve respect! and compassion and care from anyone and everyone in your life. I wish I had some wise words to share.

I do have some armor though and I am so happy to loan it to you and share it's secret so if you want you can have some too. It's imbued with powerful magic. When someone is slashing at me, and it is like that, violent and hurtful, my magic armor glows and all of the negative energy and hurt that is coming at me from the sender is encapsulated in a transmuting violet flame. The flame is like an energy wave in itself and it goes flying right back where it came from because I push it right back. It can't get to me through my armor and in the act of sending it back, my intention is that they have to deal with all of the negative energy, nastiness and pain they are throwing at me. No negativity is coming from me. I don't have to engage. I just send it back. You can send it way around D2, so she's not in the middle on your end, and she can have some armor too if she would like.

I don't know if that's helpful San, but it's yours if you would like it. Sent with love and compassion.  :hug: MB.

always welcome your hugs, sceal.  thank you.

mb, brilliant.  i was struck speechless last nite when i read what you wrote, and the gift you were giving me.  honest.  i pictured it on my walk this morning, and it affixed itself just under my skin (i figured i'd feel prickles in the future, but this crapola won't get to the heart of me anymore, nor any of my other organs, for that matter) while i was watching the waves thrashing on the ocean.  they pounded it into me - even that was magical.  then i also visualized a doo-hickey attached to my chest (kind of like iron man) as the focal point of the neg. energy push.  also near my heart so it won't be shredded anymore.

i lovelovelove the idea that they will then have to deal w/ their own neg. energy, and i don't have to stir up any of my own.  i am just now sending an armor-covered bridge to my d2 as she sleeps as a protective conduit for me - anything that comes thru her will get collected there and go straight to my transmutation device.  what a creative, magnificent gift you've given me.  thank you more than i can say.  my heart is being cleansed as we speak.  i can now share a clean heart w/ you.

finally feeling better this morning.  my walk was beautiful - the leaves are beginning to turn colors, and we've had storms, so the ocean is turbulent, huge waves crashing, white caps far out to sea.  yesterday in the storm, these enormous trees behind our house were swaying.  it's almost other-worldly to see that.  mesmerizing.  fantastical.

my heart is still being cleansed.  funny how much grit we retain.  it feels like draining pus from an abcess.  i picture it going thru a tube out the window - the universe will take care of it. in that i have faith.  thank you all for the support and hugs to get me thru these past 2 weeks.   :grouphug:

San, I'm so happy you are feeling your strength and magic so powerfully.  :hug:   I absolutely love the heart medallion you created in your armor. You are amazing and I am grateful to know you. 

Thank you so much for sharing your walk with us this morning and your journey. I so appreciated imagining myself there walking with you, with the ocean, the beautiful colors and energy of Fall storms. An inspiring, healing way to start the day for sure.   :hug:

thanks, mb, and a big  :hug: to you.

i finished my book today -  :cheer:.  we took a walk to the ocean - i wanted to cleanse some crapola off me from my ex, who told me that he wouldn't edit this book cuz he didn't want his name connected to something that was going to fail.  i used my armor, too.  left it all in the ocean, which smelled soooo good - we've been having storms, and there was so much foam being washed around, gigantic waves yards and yards out from the beach, and great, huge pieces of kelp lying around that looked like rubber hoses w/ bulbs on the ends and leaves growing out of those.  pretty weird but wonderful! 

my d and i are going to lunch to celebrate tomorrow.  it'll be great!  love you all!

 :cheer: on finishing your book!

 :applause: :applause: :applause:

thanks blueberry and 3r - i'm pretty dang proud of myself, i have to admit!   :hug: :hug:

 :applause: :hug: :grouphug:

thanks, notalone.  feels like family, somehow, happy for me.  i like it a lot.

 :cheer: congrats on the book San  :hug:enjoy your time with your D.

Dear sanmagic, I just wanted to say thank you for sharing about your walks and the beach and the waves and wind and trees. Isn't nature wonderful? I have not been around and I haven't been keeping up but I can gather you have been having a hard time and I'm glad you are finding good things too.  :grouphug:

Such a huge thing to do! Finish an entire book! That is hard work. Your ex is wrong. Your book can not fail, because you have finished writing it. That by default means it is a success.  Money isn't the only measure of success.

thank you for that, my sweet sceal.  that was so very satisfying to hear that.  love you  :hug:

i just finished a round of re-scripting, had to look up where i'd left off and what had still been missing.  too much stress between now and then to get back to it, but finally, today, i was ready.

thinking of myself at 18 mos.  i did more of my F holding my hand, walking around the house w/ me, telling me what i couldn't touch, but not lying about it.  he would say either that it wasn't something for little kids to play with or that it was something he wanted to keep, so he'd put it someplace else for now.  also substituted a toy for me to have.  i heard my M also telling him not to lie to me.

the tears came when it was bedtime.  he offered to read me a story before bed.  that was so heartwarming to me.  or he'd give me a kiss and hug, and myi M would do the same and put me to bed.  she was also 6 mos. pregnant at this time, and they told me about a new baby coming, it was in her belly, and i could touch her belly.  there was never any kind of intimacy like that before, but i can feel it w/ them now.  my F also took me outside, walked down the steps w/ me holding my hand, then swung me up in the air the last few steps.  he had a look of happiness and enjoyment on his face. 

at the end, i could see them surrounding me, telling me they'd always have my back, my M saying she'd protect me, my F saying he wouldn't send me away, he'd be there for the rough patches.  it was a lovely scene, and i cried thru it as i saw and felt it.  i felt protected, could feel warm and comfortable with them, was absorbing it.  one yawn right in there, so i knew i released some ugly stuff from inside.  it feels complete now for that age, and next i'll be ready to move on.

dang, i can't believe how much i needed this.  didn't have a clue.  i do know that as i keep working on this stuff (as i told my d last nite) the bouts of anxiety have diminished, which i'm so glad about.  i haven't seen my hands shaking in many months.  i'll see how this goes over the week, maybe i can get to 2 next week.  i'm excited about it.  now i need to do a smudging, release all the negativity that may have been generated.  and, on w/ my day.

Once again you are working so hard, san! Wow. So glad for you that you've made this physical progress of no longer having shakey hands.  :) :hug:

thanks, blueberry.  i really appreciate your support.

after processing a bit, it hit me full force about this book.  it's been a long-time dream of mine to have a book published, and that dream is finally coming thru, even at this late date.  wow!  i'm over the moon, cried a gallon of tears w/ finally being able to feel what it means to me.  my hub has also agreed to translate it into spanish for me, which would be so very cool.  by getting paid in royalties, i know that he'll do his utmost to also promote it to spanish speakers. 

i can't believe this is actually happening!  i'm so frickin' jazzed! 

*chuckle* thanks so much, blueberry!  it really does feel like that inside me!

 :cheer: :applause: :hug: That's awesome San I'm so happy for you. That you were able to rescript, and finish your book.  You're a rock star. Big hug  :hug:

thank you, tee - my face broke out into a big grin!   ;D

feeling my brain processing the stuff from yesterday.  weird dreams, especially of someone i had to be in close contact with not liking me.  that's pretty unusual for me in reality, so it was uncomfortable while i was dreaming it, feeling her dislike.  and, i feel kind of groggy today, like not a lot of energy, which i think is part of the processing.  my poor brain is working hard. 

You truly are a rock star! You have the spirit of a Warrior who fights for what's good and true, for the underdog, and for the voiceless. My hat's off to you!💝

Hope I get a chance to read your book someday.  :thumbup:

thank you so much, 3r, for your more than kind words.  honestly, that's quite an accolade coming from you, because you're someone i respect and admire for your kindness and generosity.

got a killer headache tonite, but managed a couple of walks today, so i'm glad of that.  otherwise, just watched tv, played some cards w/ my d and the neighbor this evening, so i'm pretty tuckered right now.  this is tough to go thru, but i do believe it's helping, so i'll keep at it.  hopefully, i can get to 2 yrs. old next week.  slowly but surely! 

Hi SanMagic,
I hope your headache will leave you soon, and I hope that a soothing balm of nice things will come your way.  I don't know whether I already said this, but Many congratulations on your book - that is such an accomplishment, and it doesn't surprise me, as you are an accomplished and wonderful woman, and I am happy that you have achieved such a great thing as writing your own book.   :cheer:
Sending you a hug, and hope today is ok.  :hug:
Hope  :)

thank you, hope.  your well wishes and kind words go right to my heart - i so appreciate you and what you say and share.  :hug:

i'm in the throes of therapy hangover yet.  this stuff does take a toll, even tho i don't feel like it the first day.  laying low today again.

 :hug: :hug:  :grouphug:

"therapy hangover" - I get that too. In my case it often doesn't get going till a day or two after the therapy session either. So I'm sending compassion and a hug with self-compassion and allowing self to lie low while this stuff sorts itself in your subconscious. It does take a toll, you're so right there.

thanks so much, blueberry, for that compassion.  it's comforting. :hug:

full-blown sick now, so i'll be laying low till i feel better.  snuggling up and resting.

Hope you feel better soon.
Congratulations on your book!!!   :cheer:

Hope you are feeling better soon! Sending you warm thoughts!

Also get well soon and huge congratulations for writing a book!! Wow! :applause:

notalone, sceal, and s&b, thanks so much for the get well wishes, and the congratulations on the book.  the cover got finished today, and my d has gone thru the first ch., so it's definitely on its way.  it's pretty freakin' exciting, but i can't let myself get too jazzed or i'll just go under again  :disappear: thanks for your continuing support.

slowly, slowly, i'm coming back to life.  not quite all the way - still tiring out pretty quickly, but it's better than last week.  this just takes time and rest.  also had a few extra triggers and a couple mini ef's, so that put an extra day away.  will eventually get there.  just really low on energy still.

love and hugs to you all.  :grouphug:

I'm (virtually) giving you a gigantic cozy quilt to help you heal, a bowl of delicious soup, and a piping hot mug of your favorite beverage! 🍜🍵🛏️

absolutely perfect, 3r.  thank you so much! :hug:

can't get my feet under me today.  too many triggers, ef's, memories all coming at me at once.  i wrote all about it under 'frustrations/setbacks' cuz i needed to get it out of me.  it's too much today.

San, sending a supportive, caring  :hug:

Sending strength and support your way! Take care San! :)

moonbeam and jazzy, i really appreciate your support.

still down for the count, got the name of an emdr therapist in town who i'll be calling tomorrow.  wish me luck - when my d gave me the card, i burst into tears in relief.  fingers crossed and prayers flying - i want this so badly.

Keeping my fingers crossed for you san that this one finally works for you! :hug: :hug:

dear san,
i hope you get an appointment with that edmr therapist really quickly. wishing you the best.  :hug: you're a wonderful woman, with so much strength and beauty.

 :hug: friendly hug filled with compassion and understanding. :hug:

bb, sceal, tee - thank you.  i hope so.  tues. i call her.

i got a little girl feeling tonite, the first i remember.  i just wanted someone to come for me, i think i was about 6.  i got it while watching 'anastasia', when she found her family.  i wanted that feeling of belonging.  i felt so lost, it was nearly overpowering for a minute.  so very lost.  i think i've felt this way for a very long time, but didn't know it.  no wonder i've had sadness in my eyes to the extent that strangers would comment on it.  i can barely bear this anymore.

So very sorry to hear how you're struggling, my friend. I'm with you in thoughts.  :hug:

i know, 3r, and thanks.

i haven't been thru such a rough patch in a while, it seems.  just can't get thru it.  this lost and forlorn feeling, i wonder if it's cause i'm hoping against hope that this t will not only want to work w/ me, but will also actually help me.  tears welling up as i type that.  the struggle seems to be getting harder the more work i do, maybe cuz feelings are now coming up that i've never felt before.  i don't ever remember feeling lost and forlorn in my entire life, and now i'm 72 and it's hitting me.  it just doesn't make sense.

i'm unraveling all my support mechanisms seem to be disappearing and i can't reach out and grab them cuz they're going too fast.  the thread is getting thinner.  luckily it's made of steel, but i haven't felt my sanity in jeopardy in a very long time. 

Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 03, 2019, 04:23:28 PM
the struggle seems to be getting harder the more work i do, maybe cuz feelings are now coming up that i've never felt before.

This makes sense to me. There are things I struggle with that I never used to or there are tools that used to work and no longer do. That sounds a bit different from how exactly it's getting harder for you, but the fact that it's getting harder may be similar.

Anyway  :hug: :hug:  :grouphug: and I hope ems comes by to help you.

I'm so sorry you're going through a rough patch. Do you still have the armour that MoonBeam let you have? Would wearing it give you strength?

Sending you hugs of safety and support. :hug:

 :hug: hugs San it's ok to take a breath.  Take some time for you. Big hug. :hug: Full of empathy.

San, sorry it's so incredibly hard right now. Sending you care.  :hug:

thank you, all.  i did get mb's armor on, but it's not helping right now.  i have no energy.  thanks for the suggestion, tho.  and thank you all for the care and support.  i haven't felt depressed in years, and i'm hating it.  also very nervous to talk to the t on tues., see if it's even going to work out, if she wants to work w/ me, etc.  so very nervous.  and, yes, my d will go w/ me if i want her to.  she even rigged up an imaginary triangle that embraces me in the armor when i go to bed.  it was very sweet.

Dearest San, I understand how you are feeling. I only have a moment on-line here, but really wanted to send a supportive  :hug: and tell you in my heart I feel you are on the edge of a breakthrough, a new layer of rebirthing in alignment with all of the hard work you have done. For me the pain comes from opening to a new layer of awareness and in that healing. It feels raw and so scary and it hurts so much. My words feel trivial and I so hope they honor where you are at and in no way diminish what you are going through. My intention is for you to see you as I see you--brave and strong, loving and kind, worthy of well-being in light and love as you walk through the fire. For me, sometimes it feels like falling off the cliff, the terror of letting go and not having something to grab onto, not knowing where I'm going to land. 

I'm imagining you held in this, held by all of our love for you here, the love the earth has for you, the universe pouring out love and wanting us to be whole and so alive. I'm hoping with all my heart your appt goes well tomorrow, that you feel supported and a hand is held out to walk through this next chapter with you. 

:hug:
MB

my dear mb, your words were a breath of fresh air.  thank you so much for each one.  i do believe that there has been a fear of not having something to grab onto, precisely, a man.  maybe, as you say, i have turned a corner, because the shroud that has enfolded me these past few days has lifted.  where i felt like a small 6-yr. old the other day, i think i was looking for my father to grab onto.  somehow, right this moment, i do feel more grown up.

whew!  couldn't have made it here w/o all of you wanting and wishing the best for me.  once again. you are the best.  love and hugs to you all. :grouphug:  as a precaution, i'm still in resting mode, especially cuz i'm calling that t tomorrow.  wish me luck!

Keep on  :zzz: :zzz: :zzz: and good luck tomorrow!

thanks, bb.  i appreciate the support.  i'm so very nervous, it's already a xanax day.  ugh!

this journal got to be 25 pp. so i started a new one.