Tee's first journal

[Sceal]

 

[sunflower38]

Three Roses is right! You deserve that support from yourself, and you have all of the support from us!

[Deep Blue]

 

[Tee]

I've been cycling through possibilities of how life is going to go as school starts back up at the end of the month.  Since I didn't get a different job.  I'm already working 40 hours and not seeing my kids much.  Well they will be going back to school too.  So I will get even less sleep.
  I'll have class and then go directly to work they will be in bed by the time I get home.
I won't see them.  I won't have time to do home work, and my one day off will be my clinical day which I'll work 8 hour doing psychosocial OTA stuff.  This semester on its own out side of work and not seeing my kids is potentially going to be very triggering.  So with less sleep, no time to do school work or think, or breathe I'm not sure how I'm going to get through.
I needed a three day a week job.

[Deep Blue]

Tee,
That sounds daunting for sure.  I don't know if this will help, but when my plate is really full I try to make lists and cross stuff out on them one by one.

I know your kids help ground you as well.  Maybe you can talk with them and check in with them on the phone before your class? Just thoughts 

[Tee]

  I'm talked to a hiring manager at the hospital today and she said had she seen my info she would have hired me.

For some reason HR never gave her my info and she ended up after the rounds of interviewing went with a much less qualified external candidate.

I don't know what to do anymore I'm beside myself with frustration with work.

TW

I'm also really struggling with trying to figure out how to stop having EF and move forward with my life.  I actually had fractured personalities for most of my life.  Things got so bad that at seven when my best friend and only reprieve from home was killed in a house fire and I was beaten for crying at school I left.  I couldn't do it any more I tried to make her happy, I had tried to stay out of her way, I had tried everything and nothing mattered I didn't matter.  I realize now I was the scapegoat so it just didn't matter.  But I left I hid inside myself from 7 till 15.  When my fractured " perfect Pollyanna" side got in so bad of a situation that truly I'm lucky to still be alive. When I came back that situation got much worse because I didn't let him do whatever I fawned at first but when that didn't work I fought which again shouldn't still be alive.  I would flip back to Pollyanna when I was home though.  When that * was over I left again for the most part and only came out here and there for fun I would say I was like a computer virus scanning program running in the back ground able to take over if I wanted to and more aware during high emotion though all emotions were very muted compared to normal people.

Then I had kids and especially my daughter became very triggering to me and I could stay away. When she was about two I started counseling.  Well technically Pollyanna did for the stuff that happened at 15. About a year in a half in I introduced myself.  And about a year later screwed up reintegrated Pollyanna.  I want ready to be all alone.

End TW

And now as I read books about cptsd and people's posts about Thier inner child or children or teens I just feel lost broken and scared. Because I already put together my fracture... I'm not sure I can find the broken littles inside to fix so that I don't have to be so royally screwed up as an adult.

Wow an actual tear maybe I should delete.  I don't know I might later for know post. And I'm off

[Not Alone]

I'm not sure I can find the broken littles inside to fix so that I don't have to be so royally screwed up as an adult.

I have found that parts become known in time, when they are ready to be seen and heard. 

[Tee]

  Thanks notalone sent you a private message too

[Snowdrop]

Tee, I don't know what to say, but I'm sitting with you, and sending you a heartfelt  if that feels OK.

[sanmagic7]

o sweet tee, that may have been a healing tear.  i'm glad you left your post up - thanks for sharing.

i agree that as you continue your healing work, those fragmented parts will come together as they were meant to be.  they had a good reason to split apart - they were protecting you, helping you stay alive and sane.  i give you a lot of credit for being able to see them as they are.  sending love and a hug filled w/ compassion for all the littles that took on the world so that you might stay in it and be with us today, my friend.     

[Three Roses]

Hey you 

I'm not sure I can find the broken littles inside to fix so that I don't have to be so royally screwed up as an adult.

I believe in you, and in your Littles. You're important here. 

[MoonBeam]

Hi Tee. I'm very much in the same place. Just realizing now what it means to look at inner-child work, the fractures, what it all means. I don't have a plan forward for healing and I have no idea what I'm doing, But I'm not alone in this journey and I'm learning more all the time. 
I've tried to keep them locked up, thinking I could just go forward without them, but I think I've realized that without these pieces I can't really heal. I may not know where they all are yet, but they are still there. Just because they broke apart, does not mean they disintegrated.  And now the work begins to integrate. And as others have said, they will make themselves known when it is time. When we are ready to integrate them they will allow us to heal those "creative parts of self that kept us safe."

I'm sorry to hear about work. That is very disappointing. Clearly not getting the job was not about you or your qualifications, that's a positive. I wish I had some wisdom to offer regarding management.

Hang in dear Tee. You are worth the struggle. 

[Tee]

I have already been diagnosed with fractured personalities.  Which is under the same heading as multiple personality disorders it's just slightly different because instead of each being it's own person it was like I had to sides like jeckal and Hyde.  I had Pollyanna and Tee. But I integrated and ended up making Pollyanna leave before I was ready. My T says I didn't need her anymore because I was ready to be seen and find hiding. . 

The thing that I'm not sure on is that if I start focusing on the inner child work to try and heal those really wounds that made me split to begin with I'm not so sure that I won't split again.  That's what I'm afraid of.  I've already integrated the fracture I'm afraid of finding more broken pieces, or by looking at the junk in the past creating more broken pieces?

[MoonBeam]

Oh Tee, That makes perfect sense and I totally understand.  My biggest fear has been, that if I gave them any space or attention at all they would totally take over, that I wouldn't be in control at all, so I've held on really tight. I've experienced what its like in the past to loose control like that, though I never had any diagnosis, so I'm not sure if its totally the same. I can relate to the fear though and not feeling in control, not remembering stuff.
Truth is for me, she came out anyway recently and it really scared me. My T addressed her directly in session and honestly it calmed her down. I got the feeling she just really needed to be heard and in such a safe place. It wasn't like I wasn't there, it was just more her running the show than me. I don't know, I think it's opened a door to a kind of healing I may not have been able to access before. I do know I haven't had to focus on it or work at it, it's just kind of been happening, honestly somewhat despite myself.
Maybe if the reintroductions are held really well with your T and done at a really safe, slow pace, if they can be, when your inner parts are ready for healing, they could come in gently and get the help and love they need to trust you to take care of all of you. I don't know.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I wish I had something more I could offer. I'm thinking of you, holding you in my heart. 

[Tee]

Thanks MoonBeam