Tee's first journal

[Hope67]

Hi Tee,
I hope you're able to enjoy your holiday - I know it's tough, and I'm sending you a hug of support, if that's ok 
Hope 

[Tee]

So my vacation has been better than my normal day to day because I haven't had the stress work and school.  However, it hasn't been the refugee I was hoping for.  . I've been struggling to sleep, and stay present in the moments and adventures with my family. 

On Tuesday I about had a full blown melt down because my kids were having to much fun without me and didn't want to do the slides with me at the water park. I almost started crying in the middle of the water park cause I felt left out. How dumb and manipulative is that. I was going to leave and go back to the room and forget going in the water.  In stead I fought back the tears and rode a slide on my own came back and told them there was no wait and how much fun the one slide was so then we all ride a couple of slides.

TW
It's so hard to fight with crap in my head telling me see your kids don't even want you. When things like that happen.   I know that isn't true they know how much I love them and they live me too. The crap just starts in and it's so hard. 

End TW

We went to the zoo yesterday it was hot, and then today we went tree climbing hot again.  I think it will be memories that they will have for a life time.  Tonight we are going to play videogames which more up my son's lane.

I try so hard to not manipulate the way I was when I was a little.  It so hard because the use of manipulation is what I grew up with.  When I feel my self start down that path it majorly triggers me though. 

Hoping I can sleep tonight and then of the vacation goes well.

[Three Roses]

You are improving your children's childhoods from what you knew, and making lasting memories with them that they'll cherish. This imo is the essence of recovery. Bravo!

[Blueberry]

On Tuesday I about had a full blown melt down because my kids were having to much fun without me and didn't want to do the slides with me at the water park. I almost started crying in the middle of the water park cause I felt left out. How dumb and manipulative is that.

It's certainly not dumb and I'm not even sure that it's manipulative. It sounds to me more like an EF. ime (based on limited time with my godson - I do not parent 24/7!!) it can be really hard to be there for a real child while also taking care of/healing Inner Children. I've had melt downs with my godson as well. I apologise and he knows I'm not quite as well as his parents, he knows there are things he can do with them but not with me, also that they have better stamina (emotionally and physically). He still accepts me and likes to come and visit or spend time with me if I visit his family.

  In stead I fought back the tears and rode a slide on my own came back and told them there was no wait and how much fun the one slide was so then we all ride a couple of slides.

on fighting back the tears in that place and finding a different solution. In that situation I see a much younger Tee who felt left out, but was brave and strong enough to try something on her own and then persuade other people of the advantages. 

[Tee]

Thanks 3R I'm trying I feel like I'm failing miserably as they tend whine about more than they seem to like but I try.

Thanks Blueberry I'm not sure I can take care of anyone anymore. I feel like I should stop trying at times  it hurts too much when I always fail. Today there was two activities and that should have been fun that ended up with frustration and whining not sure it was worth the money or effort?😥😔

[Sceal]

I think that you are strong, fighting to be present and to avoid using the behaviour you grew up with. It's difficult!
I hope you get some rest in-between it all and that you do get you have some guilt-free fun with your children.

[Blueberry]

 

[sanmagic7]

tee, breaking the cycle of what you went thru in order that your children don't end up in the same pot of stew you've found yourself is huge!  it is so difficult, there are going to be major ups and downs, but, quite honestly, i don't see these downs as failures.  we will slip, we will slide, and we will stumble as we do this, but the fact that you keep getting up, doing something different, problem-solving is a testimonial to your courage and effort in making this change - not only for your children, but for yourself.

please, be patient with yourself.  none of us, do recovery perfectly, but we do keep learning along the way.  that's what you're showing, both to yourself and to your family.  you totally deserve some credit for that!   

sorry those other activities weren't exactly as you would have liked them.  i do hope you can relax a bit, enjoy yourself, get some sleep.  i know you've struggled while on this vacation, but i see a fighter in you - warrior spirit!  sending love and a hug filled w/ fun and frolic.

[Tee]

Thanks San

[Deep Blue]

I echo everything San said too Tee

[Tee]

Well we made it home from vacation safe. To find my computer on the fritz so I couldn't do my school work that I have to tomorrow by 11:55 to complete.

I'm not sure what to now just spinning into Oblivion.  I have to work in the morning too.  I guess I'm just going to try to breathe for the night and I'll try to figure out school when I get home from work tomorrow.

[Blueberry]

 

[Three Roses]

  sending virtual hugs to you!

[sanmagic7]

i'm glad you made it thru your vacation.  now it's back to the day-to-day stuff.  bummer about your computer.

one step at a time, sweetie.  sending love and a hug filled w/ perseverance.   

[Not Alone]

I understand how hard it is when on the outside things look great and I feel like I should be happy, having fun, etc., but the inside feels like chaos; fear, anger, sadness. At those times the inside is matching my past, not my current outside. (Probably an EF as others have suggested.)

On Tuesday I about had a full blown melt down because my kids were having to much fun without me and didn't want to do the slides with me at the water park. I almost started crying in the middle of the water park cause I felt left out. How dumb and manipulative is that. I was going to leave and go back to the room and forget going in the water.  In stead I fought back the tears and rode a slide on my own came back and told them there was no wait and how much fun the one slide was so then we all ride a couple of slides.

When I read this, I pictured little Tee standing alone in the middle of the waterpark and felt sad for you.