Tee's first journal

[Three Roses]

 

[Deep Blue]

Is that the Kelly Clarkson/ Reba song?

I find it hard to cry too and to express emotions.  You are not alone in this.
  we are here

[sanmagic7]

hey, tee,

sounds like you're struggling with issues around your nm - those can be some of the toughest to face.  maybe your t wants more from you than you're able to give right now, and you're getting overwhelmed by the thought.  perhaps you can talk to her about that, if it fits.  just a thought.

hope you are able to get thru this messy part quickly.  i've been thru this kind of stuff a million times (or so it feels).  eventually you'll be able to break thru.  please, give yourself time and trust the process.   you've got loads of support here, too.  sending love and hugs full of 'we're with you' thoughts. 

[Tee]

Thanks San yeah my T doesn't really push my mind just never stops if that makes any sense.  My T has told me several times in my journey I should slow down and take time and my mind say bunk that.  She has also said I've ten years worth of work in two and come such a long way! Whatever that means.  I wish my brain would let my pause or slow down or box the crap back up for a while in exhausted.   

However I don't think it works that way so I keep plowing ahead. One positive my T thinks we've finally gotten through all the layers of it so now it just sorting it out and dealing with I guess. I mean I haven't told her all of the stuff my NM has done but that's where we are at.

[sanmagic7]

i get it.  i've done the same myself - or, at least, my mind has.  i've been thru that exhausted phase several times as well.  i found it hard to slow down cuz i wanted to keep going, put this beast to rest, and i'm an action person so the thought of letting something be, or saying 'well, i'm ok the way i am' was a foreign concept.  i think that comes from childhood - i was always pushed to do more and do better - 'average' wasn't allowed.  it's a tough way to live.

i've gotten a little better in later years, but i still push myself.  still, progress is progress, right?  glad you've gotten thru all the gunk - i think that's huge!  from one who has a hard time realizing this, may i say it's ok to take your time?  we'll get there.  love and hugs, sweetie.

[Tee]

Starting to spiral a bit.

So tomorrow at 1 I have what I believe to be an interview for this be position I really want. 

The problem is my head is telling me all the reasons I'm not going to get it.  Then on top of that.  There are like two people in my current department that have been no calls no shows and aren't going to come back.  Long and short of that is the department I'm currently in is a mess which means even I do well in the interview and they want me for the new position I think the old position can refuse to let me go for up to 30 days.  which I think is not fair but would be my luck and then the new position could pass on me and  get someone they could have now.  . But this would be my luck. 

I don't know ever sense I started I've heard rumors of how the kitchen sabotages people trying to transfer out so I'm just worried that I'm not going to be able to get out even though I really want this me job.

Well keep your fingers crossed for me I'll try to stay positive. And I'll let you know how it goes.

[Not Alone]

Sounds like the only thing you have control of right now is doing the best you can in your interview. Rooting for you. Let us know how it goes.

[Deep Blue]

When I'm second guessing myself, I find it helpful to make a list of things I CAN control.

Best of luck on your interview 🤞🤞🤞

[Sceal]

Try to remember to breathe.
I hope it goes all well for you, and that it'll be solved!

[Tee]

Well this meeting went well.  She is going to pass my name along to the recruiter that is in charge of interviewing for the position that I want before the interview with the manager.  So I guess that's good  . She said she would push me to the front of the line. And talk to him today.  Trying not to get too excited though.

[Deep Blue]

That's great news! So glad you had a good meeting 

[MoonBeam]

Most excellent news Tee. Just take it step by step and keep showing up, just like you have.

[Not Alone]

 

[Tee]

Thanks everyone!
One thing went well today while everything else is falling apart.  My school apparently has had some sort of glitch and I got a bad grade because she said I didn't do part of an assignment.  I know I did though I know I did. I emailed her I don't know that she'll change it though cause my computer also screwed up during my test today and missed to questions on because of the way I scrolled up because I was starting to freak out so I clicked the page instead of the scroll bar which changed my answer.

Plus had to talk to my NM today which set off a nice spiral. I don't want to be here any more I'm tired of hurting.

I'm losing tonight I just want to be done with everything. going to try to sleep and see if tomorrow is better

[Sceal]

I'm inviting you to come and sit beside me today, to just look out at the view of the lake and the distant mountains. Listening to the birds and the odd car driving past. Sipping some coffee or tea.  Just, generally, away from everything and everyone.

A long, long time ago my Lady T taught me to start creating a safe space, a mental safe space. One that is mine, and belongs to me. For some it's an invisibility cloak, for some a cabin up in the mountains or forest. For some it's a force-field around oneself where no one can penetrate. The point of it is to escape there when things get too hard to deal with. Sort of like a daydream, but more powerful.
It takes time to practice this, time to find the right place for you. But I promise you, it is worth looking for it. Then you have one place that no one can hurt you or take away from you. Because it exists within you.
I had forgotten about this for a long time, but recently remembered that this is a thing.