Hoping for the best

[Three Roses]

I do feel some good aspects that are powerful today, which is certainly something good.

💪👍

[Blueberry]

But unfortunately on the way back, I again found myself stuck temporarily in a place with someone behaving incredibly horrifically, to the point I could not think, and though I tried to protect myself and be calm, it deeply disturbed and upset me, and also utterly grossed me out beyond belief. Just horrific. Utterly crazy behavior that just wouldnt be acceptable to anybody.

Got out as soon as I could, tried to get home quick by using those rental bikes they have in many towns now, except that of the first 6 I tried to use, all were bust and wouldnt unlock. When I finally got one sorted, I realised it was covered in some horrible sticky gunk all over the saddle and handle bars.

Oh no, that's horrible! First totally unacceptable behaviour you want to get away from, and then escape method blocked so to speak.

Good on you for doing more self-care when you got home and for noting some good and healthy aspects to the day. I don't always find that easy myself. It's good to do it over and over again, helps e.g. with resilience. Sounds like you're doing good in the cptsd circumstances.

[WideSargassoSea]

Hey thanks guys.

Just wanted to post that not having a bad day today so far. Some complicated feelings stirred up definitely, but after a support group I asked someone if they fancied a coffee without worrying too much if they said no, something that for me, usually, would have been impossible. Similarly. I felt a bit less self concious/worried when having the coffee, and was more able to be myself and less trying to be what I thought they may want me to be.

Also during the group, I heard some very useful and encouraging things from others talking about their current experiences. I also talked more straightforwardly about how I felt,

Later, I had to discuss something difficult with an NHS practise that had been harsh and unfair to me, and -for a change- found the person I was talking to to be much more genuine and straight than in the past. I also managed to be calm and focused enough to stand up for myself and express some of what I wanted.

Obviously I feel there's  a way for me to go, but this is nice, and encouraging, and needed, after a difficult time!

[Three Roses]

[Wattlebird]

All those small changes are really quite big well done

[WideSargassoSea]

Upset today, had so much stress in past 24 hours. Problem neighbor again playing up, deliberately making noise after 1am which woke me up, saw he'd destroyed polite sign had put up in hall requesting communal areas be used resepectfully. Presumably he took it personally against him, which it wasnt ironically, and decided to be chilidish and aggressive.

I didnt sleep until after 5am and was shaking with stress due to what happened, which I wont go into. Now, back from hairdressers, who utterly ruined my hair, despite me being clear what I wanted. He barely spoke English which maybe was to do with it, but he also seemed to have an attitude problem. I had to get other hairdresser in the same shop to explain to him what I had requested and even he seemed to get fed up with the guy's attitude. By then my hair was so short there wasnt much repair work that could be done, so now, along with my self esteem generally, I have a weird stupid looking haircut that makes me feel even more insecure about how I look.  Why do I keep coming across such people? Why cant I encounter reasonable/kind people more? I honestly just don't get it.

Plus the other day the dentist tried to throw me off their list because I had missed 2 appointments over 5 YEARS(!) Im not even sure they can legally do that here, but after spending hours searching, nobody seemed to have a clue or be able to give any simple answers...

I cant stand this place-its just getting worse and meaner and harder and crazier. What once was a quiet, reasonable neighbourhood is now a crazy, noisy, almost unsafe place, now they shut down the police station, and are building ANOTHER four blocks of high rise flats without putting any more money into resources to cope with all the new people who will move into them. I WISH I could afford to move out of this town and escape the insanity but I feel stuck here, and even the simple things just seem impossible at the moment with crazy obstacles at every turn.

[Three Roses]

I'm so sorry you're going thru all this, WSS. I have no words of wisdom - but want to let you know that you've been heard. 

[Wattlebird]

Sometimes it's just one thing after another after another, I'm sorry you are in the middle of this.
 

[Blueberry]

Sometimes it's just one thing after another after another, I'm sorry you are in the middle of this.
 

[WideSargassoSea]

Thanks folks. It helped seeing those posts.



Todays entry

Strange one. Just been feeling tearful missing aspects of my mum who am NC with. Lately thats been so painful to me. So upsetting. But I just dont think I can face her when theres still so many unknowns over sexual abuse at her hands when I was a kid.

I also know there was definitely inappropriate boundary breaking. I just dont know how far that goes, or why it was done. Maliciously or just out of extremely bad parenting, I have no idea.

I just wish I knew more. I wish I had time to know the truth, so I can process it, then make whatever choice I need to for myself about things. I do know there was a lot of emotional neglect and abuse, and by todays standards, physical violence too.

Some memories of all these things have returned, some are still vague.

And yet, I find myself yearning for (healthy) contact with her in a way. Or maybe I just fear moving on. Or just fear when she passes and I have to face there cant be a rapprochement. Part of me knows there cant already, but emotionally, that's killing me I guess.

As someone with anxiety concerns, I find that hard.

All that said, I had a good day. The problem neighbour I have has apparently now been officially warned by his landlord, thanks to my actions, and given a deadline to change.

The support group I went to, that I felt very nervous about, turned out pretty well. I managed to strike up a conversation with a girl there I keep feeling this magnetic pull to. Confuses me, but I just feel so drawn to her, and we had a bit of a chat and a laugh. Gotta admit, it brightened my day.

I've never followed my instincts like that before, and its quite confusing and really knew to me.

Also had a small bit of good news regarding some other thing.

So I dont know. Maybe it is a good day whilst grieving old emotional issues. I welcome any thoughts of comments by the way.

[Not Alone]

You have a lot going on, a lot to process. I wanted to let you know that I read your post and you have been heard.

[Blueberry]

Strange one. Just been feeling tearful missing aspects of my mum who am NC with. Lately thats been so painful to me. So upsetting.

And yet, I find myself yearning for (healthy) contact with her in a way. Or maybe I just fear moving on. Or just fear when she passes and I have to face there cant be a rapprochement. Part of me knows there cant already, but emotionally, that's killing me I guess.

Standing with you on this one. I'm missing my parents with whom I'm VVVLC with too, have been for a number of days, missing them that is. It's hard. Gentle, supportive  if you'd like.

All that said, I had a good day. The problem neighbour I have has apparently now been officially warned by his landlord, thanks to my actions, and given a deadline to change.

The support group I went to, that I felt very nervous about, turned out pretty well. I managed to strike up a conversation with a girl there I keep feeling this magnetic pull to. Confuses me, but I just feel so drawn to her, and we had a bit of a chat and a laugh. Gotta admit, it brightened my day.

I've never followed my instincts like that before, and its quite confusing and really knew to me.

Also had a small bit of good news regarding some other thing.

Sounds like you're moving forwards and discovering new things about yourself  Also good on you for having got your problem neighbour warned.

[Hope67]

Hi WideSargassoSea - I am also standing with you    I relate to what you're saying.  Sending you a gentle hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[WideSargassoSea]

Difficult time lately. Making some changes but its really rough. Horrible relentless nightmares each night. Very depressed when wake up.

[Blueberry]

  on the changes, especially since it's rough-going. Standing with you through the nightmares and depression