Hoping for the best

[WideSargassoSea]

Notalone - thanks, was appreciated.

[WideSargassoSea]

Feel old pain very strongly today. Wish could share it with someone. Make some sense of my contradicting yearnings. Realise though that right now may not be the best time to try that-and thats really difficult for me. When is it a good time to discuss such deep painful things? When you feel a huge need to? When you feel strong enough to cope with doing so? Finding a balance of those two?

For me, I usually only feel able to face doing it when things are too much. But maybe thats not whats best for me. I dont know. Feel conflicted.

[Hope67]

Hi WideSargassoSea,
I don't know if there's ever a 'right time' for such things - I know that for me, I can feel very strong emotions sometimes, and wonder what the trigger was or is, and feel unable to find it.  Contradictory yearnings can be particularly tough to work out.  I just wanted to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok. 
Hope 

[WideSargassoSea]

Thanks Hope. It was interesting to read how it affects you. I know that for me, another factor is that I struggle with sitting with the emotions themselves; something Im getting better at, but again, it can be confusing to know when to speak, when to rest, and when to try to be fully present with it. I guess its probably something we all share to various degrees.

[WideSargassoSea]

Grieving over past pain heavily today. Been building inside for a while. Heard the R.E.M song 'Sweetness Follows' and it tore me up.

Grieving over my early years' fear and hurt under my mother.  A hurt so deep that part of me almost wants to be back there, even though it meant the pain and so on, just to be in the same house. Contradictory stuff.

My family hurt me as a kid. And, as a kid, I was scared. They made me think it was my fault or others' faults, not theirs. So I not only got hurt by them, I thought they were actually the place to go to shelter when in a storm (that they themselves had caused).

So my pain now, caused by them, leaves me yearning to return back to them. How messed up is that? Guess thats why I gotta keep building on my own self care and self love; to learn that I can be my own carer, and unlearn those patterns.

But boy, those patterns run deep some days. And the pain runs deep today.

[WideSargassoSea]

Feel angry today. So few people understand how abusive mothers can be the heart of problems, and our society instead puts them on a pedestal and assumes only bad fathers can cause problems.

Also feeling nobody is listening or interested

[Three Roses]

It's true! Our society has a phobia or something about seeing mothers as anything but nurturing. When we try to discuss our feelings about our mothers and the abuse they inflicted, we get a lot of excuses, and explanations, and justifications... but when we talk about the harm that our fathers have inflicted the reaction is much different.

I've felt more minimization from others while trying to discuss my mom's role in the abuse I underwent. It seems she gets a "pass" or something.

I'm so sorry you were hurt by your female parent. My heart goes out to you. ♥️

[Kizzie]

Hi WSS, I'm so sorry you feel like no-one is listening or interested.  If you mean here I wanted to suggest that it may be because you post in your journal for the most part.  Some members think of this particular forum as a place for members to capture their feelings and thoughts and choose not to respond and 'break the flow' or intrude. You may want to try posting elsewhere and see if that draws more responses.

I hear you about mothers by the way.  I used to stand in the card aisle trying not to cry every time because all the cards were designed for a Hallmark version of mothers. It has helped me so much to talk about this here and find out I am not alone in this.

[Blueberry]

Grieving over my early years' fear and hurt under my mother.  A hurt so deep that part of me almost wants to be back there, even though it meant the pain and so on, just to be in the same house. Contradictory stuff.

My family hurt me as a kid. And, as a kid, I was scared. They made me think it was my fault or others' faults, not theirs. So I not only got hurt by them, I thought they were actually the place to go to shelter when in a storm (that they themselves had caused).

So my pain now, caused by them, leaves me yearning to return back to them.

Hello WideSargassoSea,

This all sounds very familiar. It took me decades to realise my family was not the place to go to when I was hurting. For so long I too thought it was somehow my fault - for being too sensitive - or for not having acquired the skills to protect and defend myself, to set limits etc. It has really taken me a long, long time to realise that FOO didn't want me to acquire those sorts of skills. Very messed up, but it's FOO that is messed up, not me. Probably in your case too. 

My M was also the one who took a more active part in making my childhood a misery, so you're not alone there by any means. Even if it may look that way to the general population, on here we know otherwise.

I agree with Kizzie about posting on other parts of the forum from time to time, especially till other members get to know you a bit. I'm sorry you've been feeling as if nobody cares.  :applause:on reaching out to say so!

[Hope67]

Hi WideSargassoSea,
I also hear what you're saying about Mother's - it's very tough that society seems to put them on pedestals, and that the reality of the relationships isn't acknowledged very often - but you are definitely not alone - there are people here who care and understand, and I hope you'll feel supported by that.  Sending you a hug, if that's ok.   
Hope 

[WideSargassoSea]

Thanks for the replies-they lifted me a bit to know I wasnt alone in my feelings. I do welcome any comments, thoughts or views at any time in this journal. I know Im relatively new, and am trying to use other parts of the forum to get better known. Unfortunately some of the places I posted in happen to not have been visited very much, so it might be my comments weren't seen.

Anyway, thanks again for the views and well wishes. Especially heartening to know others see the inequality of help when it comes to abusive mothers. I had started to feel bad just for thinking such thoughts as nobody else seemed to share them.

As for today, I have made an appointment to see the doctor to see if I can get a prescription for short term medication such as diazepam, as I need a break from the stress Im suffering lately. Thankfully I found one appointment, as there isnt another for a week after that. I wasnt going to do this, but the final straw came when, after a further night of insomnia, and loud noise from my neighbour at 3am,  he then also began heavy building work at 8am. Im now frazzled and fed up. Hence the doctor appointment. Just feel theres too many problems to face right now.

[Blueberry]

Just feel theres too many problems to face right now.

It often feels that way.     on reaching out to a doc

[Three Roses]

 

[Wattlebird]

Good luck with the doc
I will wonder around the sight to see if I have any comments on your other posts and see if I have any insights, or just try and support u if I can, I'm glad you are here, ever one in the sight helps others just by contributing so thank you so much.
I've been pretty quiet lately, just been overwhelmed with life but now I'm feeling better I want to be more supportive of everyone here, they have helped me enormously 

[WideSargassoSea]

Hey thanks everyone! Wattlebird, thats very kind of you, thank you. Make sure you take care of yourself. I've spread myself too thin in the past even though I had the best intentions.

Todays entry

Feel kind of mixed. Yesterday was very hard due, yet again, to some of the horrible people in this town. I had gone out to take more shots, and did so in a freer way more than ever, around strangers with less worry of embarrassment, just snapping away. Bit disappointed by the flat weather conditions for the shots, but hey.

But unfortunately on the way back, I again found myself stuck temporarily in a place with someone behaving incredibly horrifically, to the point I could not think, and though I tried to protect myself and be calm, it deeply disturbed and upset me, and also utterly grossed me out beyond belief. Just horrific. Utterly crazy behavior that just wouldnt be acceptable to anybody.

Got out as soon as I could, tried to get home quick by using those rental bikes they have in many towns now, except that of the first 6 I tried to use, all were bust and wouldnt unlock. When I finally got one sorted, I realised it was covered in some horrible sticky gunk all over the saddle and handle bars.

Anyway. Did the right things/best I could when I got back in terms of healthy self care, and after being really upset for a time, began to process the worst of it.

Feel some good things about myself today, though Im trying to take a break from the problems and upset.

I do feel some good aspects that are powerful today, which is certainly something good.