Out of the Storm

Taking bit of a leap here. But I think its time. Im struggling at the moment, but I feel a journal may benefit in some ways.

 :thumbup:  Hope it's helpful  :yes:

Any leap or step is progress and beneficial, even if it might not turn out the way you want it to - you can at least say you've done something!
Feel free to express whatever is on your mind.

Regards,
Ellis.

Thanks for the encouragement.

Righty-first entry (2nd?)

Went to a kind of support group yesterday for the first time in almost a year. Was pretty intense as only four other people showed due to bad weather. Made it hard for me as I prefer to stay in the background until Im comfortable, but couldnt with only four other people. Also weird when someone turned all the lights off! It was one of the many kinds of 12 step groups, and I know they all have their own foibles, but that was a very weird one....

Im glad I went as I really suffer horrifically from social anxieties, and I had a healthier approach going into things yesterday than before. I wasnt trying to 'be' popular or 'likeable', or do things because I'd been told I should. I just tried to do what felt comfortable for me at the time.

I feel pretty weird today though as I always over question myself after such events. Too much self criticism and not enough self congratulation on achievements.

Also, finding out a few weird things about some acquaintances I have who Im seeing next week. Pretty anxious about the meet up, but these realisations mean Im seeing them as more human and Im doing a bit less of comparing my 'lack of success in business and life and so on blah blah blah' to theirs. On the other hand, Im not sure how much they are joking about their issues and how serious they are being. Always hard to know when its on social media and not face to face....

Rough night last night. Felt bad. Some self soothing helped a little but not much.

The moment I got up today I was faced with things I didnt want to see. I have to be vague here to avoid specifics. But a leaflet through my door from a new political group whom I think is absolutely obscene.

And some people I kind of think of as mates, on social media, all seemed to be having a great time without me, and seemed to have maybe been meeting without letting me know. Maybe Im mistaken there but I dont know.

Then had a rough time physically, for personal reasons I again wont go into. I found this upsetting because its to do with something that, for most people, is a simple physical function and routine-yet for me it is very stressful and difficult psychologically. I wish I could talk about it but some things are too personal.

So its nearly dark outside already and I just feel so outside of normal social activity, which is hard for me. I really hope things get a bit easier next year. I have hopes and plans but im starting to worry they wont work or that im just kidding myself with them.

I'm sorry you're going through such difficulties and pain, WideSargassoSea. May I ask, do you welcome comments etc in your journal or would you prefer we don't write here? Thought I'd ask bcuz it was not clear to me. Here's a :hug: if you want one.

Oh I hadnt thought of that. Good point. Yes, I welcome all comments here.

Thanks for the heads up, and the hug. Appreciated.

:wave:

Rough day again today. Feel almost like coming down with something. Maybe thats partly what it is....? So exhausted after a thirty minute walk today.

Not usually that exhausted... and had a bad stomach pain last night-even though I had made an effort to eat 'healthy'!

Irony. As a wise man once said, it can be pretty ironic...  ;)

As I type I feel a little better.

Made a soothing nice drink with lemon, honey and so on. Going to try not to worry about things right now and put it down to part of the process.

Glad to have this online journal and the folks at this site.

wss, sorry to hear about your rough night last night. it sounds like you are ‘on it,’ despite the bad feeling.  Not all days feel bright. I remember reading somewhere about how seeds need darkness to germinate, I imagine this when I feel sadness and anger, acknowledging the growing happening in the darkness. When I wrote ‘on it’ it means when one is living out the changes they want, there are growing pains that need compassion. Gotta love that self care! Honey and lemon drink — yummmm

Sometimes my emotional flashbacks are totally physical, like the other day I felt like I had just fallen down the stairs or something and there was no other explanation for my discomfort. I did some EF work and the discomfort decreased so that was a really good indication to me that it really was an EF.

milk-thats a nice thought about needing darkness to grow. I'll make use of that. And Three Roses, sorry to hear you felt so rough. I had also wondered if my physical symptoms were due to EF and the like. Still not sure. I dont normally get phsyical effects that badly though...and theres a lot of flu about. Guess we'll see...

So... had an urge to write a list of the bad things done to me by my mother-not in detail, but generally-yesterday. I had heard it can be useful as sometimes when I feel bad and blame myself I literally forget everything bad done to me. Sounds weird I know, but it happens.

It kind of felt like the right time to do it. But after I had done it, only then did it occur to me there'd probably be a lot of emotional upheaval as a result of all this coming up.

And boy am I struggling with it now... Though, to keep things in perspective, I have felt worse. Im just very, very angry at times, and also yearning for some nearby countryside to walk in and have some solitude. Always wanted to be able to have a ten minute walk and find myself in countryside where I could walk alone as I live in a busy city. I really wish I could amble along and just let it out and cry if I felt the urge and not have to worry about other people seeing me. And unfortunately I dont drive. Though I hope to change that maybe next year...

Anyway, I woke early and struggled for more sleep, then when I got it, woke extremely late (hate when I get those extremes). like 2.30 in the afternoon. Did consider trying to spend the whole day in bed, but its the sort of thing my parents always slammed me for even considering, so even though Im now middle aged, I still have never been able to quite let myself do it. Had lots of nightmares about that female parent last night. Horrible ones.

Writing that list has awakened a lot of very painful ghosts.

So I have a (for me) huge social thing tomorrow, and some of the dynamics of it really trigger my deep pain over my FOO. I wish it wasnt so, but theres quite a bit of history regarding this social event, and although Ive tried not to, Ive again found myself getting my hopes up, knowing I'll walk away feeling hurt, ignored, and overlooked.

And I had a dream about this and about my pain over my sister and my past. I was sobbing heavily when I woke up. Deep pain. And now wary that the wound will get disturbed again tomorrow by the social event and the aforementioned echoes and similarities.

As a result I intend to leave before everyone else, though thats a double edged sword. I fear later hearing how everyone carried on the event at someones house (though theres no plans too far as I know). But if I dont leave early then I'll get mostly ignored when I do go. At least this way I can choose to just say bye and go. I dont know. Worried im running away. But what can I do?

Really hurting and know its best to take care of myself in a difficult situation that risks hurting me even more. Wish things were different though. I wish I had some real friends I felt I could safely be myself with who were straight with me.

 :grouphug: :bighug: :bighug: I try to do what's best for me in difficult situations. I don't even always know what the best thing is and even if I do know, I don't always manage to do what's best. It's a learning process.

With healing also comes more ability to ascertain who is a real friend and who is not. I'm going through that a bit atm. It's taken me a long time, others do it faster. Hope you belong to the faster group! It seems like the more healthy relationships you have with people, the easier it is to form additional healthy relationships and let go of the unhealthy ones.

I'm so sorry that letter stirred things up for you, WSS. But it's likely that things will need to be stirred up a bit, as I think in order to heal you've got to look at the underlying stuff that's hurting you. Unless you get at that deeper layer you would only be chasing symptoms, imo.

Maybe another letter would help. Write one to your inner child/children, or write out a new list of rules for yourself, and not the ones your family left you with. Actually that assignment was given to me by my first therapist and it's one I keep going back to....

Every dysfunctional family has a set of unspoken rules. Don't show your feelings, be invisible, don't ever upset anyone, etc. The therapist said I was to take a sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle. On one side of the paper I was to list all the unspoken, dysfunctional rules. On the other side I was to rewrite those rules in a way that was healthy and appropriate for how I wanted to be.

Thirty years later and I still think of that list! My rules are a better fit for me.

I hope you find this helpful.  :hug:

Hi WideSargassoSea - I would like to wish you the best for facing that social occasion - I also have difficulty with those - and sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok.  :hug:
Hope  :)

Some good ideas there, I think I'll give them a try.

Hard today. So on edge and shaky due to social thing in a while. And also because I have a delayed reaction to things so I know I'll probably struggle for the next couple of days when things hit me.

Only good thing is at least after I can get back to focusing on things that work for me and help me/my plans for the future. Thats partly what I find so difficult about these things. The fear shakes me so that everything else gets forgotten and its hard work to hold onto what I've learned works for me. Fingers crossed folks. Probably have to set off in about an hour..

Really finding it hard to let go of past times as a kid. Sometimes I fear I'll never feel as happy or enjoy moments as special as those again. Yet those moments were followed by the worst and scariest and most painful in my life.

That seems how my early years were. Special times, then awful ones. It causes me doubts about my choices now, such as going NC with FOO.

I suspect its probably that the special times were simply due to me being a kid, and that almost any kind of warmth of brief moment of kindness was so rare to me that it felt amazing.

But it does make me fear Im being to harsh on my FOO sometimes and lead to self doubt. I just find it hard to get over it all at the moment though.

Well. Just realised I didnt think I was able to post here while I was away on holiday for some reason. There were times I could have used access to the forum. Just didnt think was possible!

Back after the trip, been kind of overwhelming due to more meddling attempts from FOO have had NC with.

I knew thered be something. Some card or note left despite previous requests not to and to stay away from my house.

Couldnt believe what I found. The dirty &(£&&(" had written a cheque for quite a lot of money (not loads, but still), with no note. And I know EXACTLY why they did it. It was a trick to try to confirm I still live at the address. Because if I cash it, it confirms its me with the bank details. And theyve tried previous tricks like that in the past few months. I just binned the other things though, and was concerned they'd try something else.

This made me furious though.

1. It doesnt show any care, or acknowledgement of their current and previous toxic selfish behaviour as its not to help or be kind to me-its just to give them the information they want.

2. It shows they havent changed in the slightest as they always painted me as money grabbing, even though the opposite was always true. But they did this assuming that I'd definitely be unable to resist the money.

Actually, I tore up the cheque.

3. It shows they are exactly as they were before, in all the ways that made me go NC with them. They didnt think to consider WHY I went NC; Instead, they did what they always did-got together and schemed and plotted to get what they want, without the decency or courage to actually act in a human way and contact me openly and honestly for a two way calm talk. And believe me, I gave them countless options for that in the past.

So I am very angry, disgusted, and worried they'll try to turn up and harass me in my own home.

Im also frankly sick to be back in this town, and back with this rubbish, after being away.

It wasnt all great abroad, but I did some things im incredibly proud of, surprised myself, had moments when I took great care of myself, and did some things that were some of the most fun EVER.

Sadly, the events I write about in this entry are now in my mind, so it feels like returning only to pick up the sack of rocks right away again, with no acclimatization time. 

:stars:

Dont know if this makes much sense to others....

Anyway, could use any hugs if theres some available.

Wow that is rough.  Sorry you are going through this.  I know I don't usually comment on your journal but it doesn't mean I don't read it.
:hug: :hug: :hug:

Thanks Deep Blue. Nice to know others find something interesting in the journal and its being read.

Had quite a big EF yesterday. Very exhausting. Gave myself love, time and understanding, but I was surprised by just how tired I was after.

Im glad its the new year, and all the Christmas malarkey and so on is done.

I do feel in a bit of a rough place at the moment-but I dont feel too worried as theres good reasons why, and I have hope for the future.

Heck, I had a huge swelling with my tooth just the other day I was dealing with, and was still unpacking from a holiday, and dealing with returning from a journey, etc

Im having moments of big worry and doubt still, thats true, and I still feel a big lack of energy. Though I think overall Im gradually settling and able to focus more on me and my wants and needs.

Still some rough nights sleep... though those too are lessening, I think.

 :hug: here's that hug for you!

And  :applause: for "Actually, I tore up the cheque."  ;D :thumbup:

Thanks Three Roses! Yeah I'm proud of myself for not accepting the money too. Guess I need to remember that feeling for the future.

Quote from: WideSargassoSea on January 01, 2019, 02:01:02 PM
Still some rough nights sleep... though those too are lessening, I think.

Hi WideSargassoSea,

Glad to hear your rough nights are lessening. 

Hope  :)

Thanks Hope. Ironically woken in the night by leg cramp yesterday, really painful for a bit! Guess is a reminder to make sure I drink plenty of water (especially before exercising in the day...!

Felt old deep pain yesterday. God I loved my parents so much when I was a kid, before I had any idea how badly they were treating me.
Its still sometimes so emotionally confusing. Theres moments I recall when I felt so safe, and such joy in life. Periods of calm between the storms that followed and the horrible treatment from them to me.

Why is it that sometimes those happy short moments cause me so much doubt and worries that Im being too harsh on them and too dramatic about my past? I know those moments were actually the 'aberration'. It was the bad times that were the norm. The majority. The very early years of coldness and fear-the later years of harassment and neglect and so on.

The occasional moments of calm peppered in where, for reasons beyond me,  they 'happened' to be having good days, or the weather was especially good, or one of them had won some money through gambling, or maybe they werent arguing so much that day, or who knows-one was having an afffair that they liked? Anything with my parents could have been the case, with all these examples being possible from the painful things I later learned.

But point is-I guess it could have been anything unhealthy that accounted for those brief moments of them appearing to be kinder or happier or more stable. God how I wish it was just simply due to their love for me. I ACHE for that. I yearn for more of those days.

I worry sometimes that I'll never feel as open or calm as those times again.

I have learned enough of others experiences to know such things are possible to achieve though, through the journey us lot here are on.

I think Im opening up in healthy ways, perhaps closing some unhealthy ones that enabled people to take advantage of me. I think Im gradually getting to know myself for the first time, gradually finding how to give myself love and kindness that I never had.

Theres so much grief though, for those brief, seemingly happy/calm/safe/caring moments from the past that I dont want to loosen my grip on. For the kid in me that had such a horrible time. I wish I could go back and protect that kid and stop the terrible ways he was treated by so many people.

I'd be a more confident person today if I'd had that.

Back from a horrible time at the dentist. Thinking of trying elsewhere for a 2nd opinion as this one has been contradictory, dismissive and downright patronising.

Me; 'So what are my options if the tooth is removed?'

Them; 'That's a conversation for a later day'.

Yeah thanks, 'cos I'm twelve and need to be shutdown in a passive aggressive manner like that.... Simply considering my options before consenting to something as irreversible as having a tooth removed! I suspect because Im NHS and not private (but at a private practise forced to take some NHS patients), that they just want the cheap option quickly rather than considering saving the tooth or longer more costly procedures that take up their time-time they could be using for treating private customers who pay full price....

Totally sucks. And I think I'm coming down with the bad cold that's been going round.

Hi WideSargassoSea,
Sorry to hear you had that experience with the dentist, that doesn't sound very supportive of them.  Hope you can get a 2nd opinion, if you do decide to go for that option, and that they are better.
Hope  :)

Finally caught the bad cold thing thats been going round.... hard to make myself switch off and accept the limitations it means for now. Always found it hard to simply stop... hope this thing passes soon...!

Feel really low today, uncared for. Thought of posting in exceptionally bad day. Hurting.

I'm so sorry you're feeling low today. I really understand, I do. You are worthy of care, even if you don't feel it today. I'm glad you're here with us.  :hug:

HI WideSargassoSea,
Sorry to hear you have been feeling low.  I'm also glad you're here with us.  I thought of you the other day, as there was a question on a quiz show I was watching, and it mentioned the Sargasso Sea, and so I found out something about that Sea, and it was amazing that fish will go for miles and miles to go there and have their young.  Amazing.  I don't know the reason you chose your name, but it made me smile and I thought of you. 
I hope you feel better from the cold you've had - I often feel much lower in mood when I am physically unwell.  There is such a lot of colds about at the moment - I guess it's that time of year.
Take care,
Hope  :)

Thanks for the thoughts folks. They helped in a small way

Entry for yesterday.

Felt utterly spun out. Had met someone who, in some ways, might be a potential friend. But in other ways, warning bells are ringing for me. Whether thats due to me or them or both, I dont know. I just know that the questions and fears and wants in my mind that were sparked of by this was literally utterly debilitating, and I had to spend a good portion of the day pretty much sleeping due to the mental exhaustion.,

The thing is, I am beginning to see a pattern in myself. I think I am drawn to people I partly hate/fear. I can certainly see precedent for such patterns with the upbringing I had in my FOO.

And similarly, Im always afraid I'll miss an opportunity so worry too much about not taking action. For example, part of me worries that if I dont suggest a coffee or drink or something with this new person, that I'll not get a right moment to try again in future. And my fears of that also relate to FOO. Not to mention fears of being alone/abandonment, also die to FOO.

The place I went to, where I met this person, I went to because of other reasons. Because there is wisdom there. Because there is hopefully some guidance and stability. And before going, I had an aim, which was to try to be myself more, to not worry what others thought of me, and to give things time. All things I struggled with.

Suddenly Im faced with someone who seems utterly different to me in every possible way, who I suspect has extremely opposite views on everything, may not be very tolerant, and so on. But theyre FRIENDLY to me. And maybe the attention is what has thrown me. Its obviously appealing. But, of course, how can I casually drop in that I think we'd hate each other if we knew each other??

So my inability to be myself kicks in, and the internal stress arises, as a result.

What I hoped for instead, was to give myself time to feel safe enough at this place to GRADUALLY start to let others get to know me, and gradually express myself and feelings more as time went on. Which I think is healthier and more balanced.

But this has thrown me, triggered old patterns im trying to avoid. But as is so often the case, Im somewhat riven with self doubt and second guessing what I have written here. I THINK these written thoughts are the healthy thing-but some of me worries they arent.

I guess going at a pace that works for me and allows me to feel comfortable enough in an unfamiliar place, is probably a good move... Its just hard when I see others immediately strike up friendships and on (not all of them, but some of them).

By the way, Im not blaming the person I mentioned in any way.

Felt bit better after speaking to someone about the person. Many fears about the person not liking me, taking offense, causing problems. Im worried of my past treatment from my FOO.

Its difficult to put those things aside.

Your posts make perfect sense to me and I believe the way you've approached this situation is completely healthy.  :yes:

Whether or not your fears are valid, they're still yours, and should be listened to. Our development of awareness of danger signals has been eroded by the people in our lives who've caused us harm. It's nice to see when others re-awaken these feelings in the interest of self-protection. So I say, good job!  :cheer:

had a slip yesterday with one of my old vices, now, today, feel bad about this and rough. Feel very sad and pained about my past and am not feeling that optimistic about being able to reach the stage of having any kind of 'normal' life.

I so wish I wasnt this way and could just feel normal and safe and relaxed in life.

Hi widesargassosea
Sending a hug if that's ok  :hug:
your in an awfully familiar situation/ pain, makes you feel so wretched, I hope you can soon forgive yourself and move on
Best wishes  :hug:

Thanks Wattlebird. All thoughts and wishes and safe hugs are always welcome.

Been a bit of a rollercoaster lately emotionally speaking. Hopefully will be more smoother waters soon.

Very powerful dreams last night. One of speaking my true feelings to my dad. Difficult. Feel angry and a bit afraid today.

Hi WideSargassoSea,
Sending you a safe hug  :hug: and I hope that you are ok.  I know you had some powerful dreams last night, and just wanted to send you some support.
Hope  :)

Im in an unexpected situation. Im beginning to think therapy isnt really for me. Not saying 'never', but part of my problem is I relentlessly analyse and question myself and my thoughts and my reasons. Over the last year, I've JUST begun to do it less, and have though I've also been through a lot of pain, I also feel I've found a little peace, a little more self belief, a little more hope, and a quieter mind.

That has coincided with not having therapy for most of last year. Prior to that I had four plus years of it. Im feeling like all there is in therapy is insight-but never more insight than I already have on myself.  I've never found a therapist with much warmth of encouragement or guidance. If I thought THAT existed out there, I'd be interested.

And thats after trying an analyst, a counsellor, a psychotherapist, a counselling psychologist, and humanistic and classic approaches.

Maybe its where I live-theres a heavy bias in style and so on. But since an early age I had nothing BUT self analysis and doubt and if anything I need guidance, encouragement, warmth, ideas and so on. Not coldness, unreadable vagueness.

Im surprised to be writing this, and of course, have many self doubts and fears that this is 'wrong'. But all I know is that, after trying another person last week, I feel worse than I have for a while. 

Im due to see her again monday, which Im absolutely dreading. I cant put my finger on it, shes just very professorial, old fashioned, seems kind of authoritarian, and due to being 'old school', does the thing of insisting that I still have to pay her for sessions even if its due to a holiday booked months in advance.

Its also a bit money related. I realised I can afford a car if I dont continue with her-and I've always wanted to move to a more rural area, which I literally cant do unless I drive-so I feel some of my future hopes are tied up in this too. Hopes that I never used to have while in therapy, ironically!

Im in two minds over this, but feel experience is edging me towards this realisation

Very mixed emotions yesterday. Felt like a child with joy at one time, and at another, like the child who was so badly mistreated they had no self belief.

Im hoping this is part of getting in touch with my feelings again, but worry its a sign of things getting worse. I like to think its the former rather than the latter, but wish there was someone who could give me their opinion on it. As already mentioned, no therapists of any kind have yet done so.

Getting in touch with feelings and examining our pasts is painful. The beliefs we have about ourselves are a result of living in a toxic environment. But recovery and healing are at least partially about taking our beliefs and rewriting them, so we can be the people we now want to be. WE get to say who we are. WE get to say what we want our lives to look like. It's OUR right to speak up and be heard.

I wish healing could happen without looking into the cause of our hurts. I'm in the same boat right now. It really hurts to feel all the feelings I was told I couldn't. The feelings that I was told didn't exist. You've had your pain minimized and it's your right to look into it and say what happened, you will be heard.

Thanks for the comments. Great to hear views on things.

I don't have anything specific to address what you have written. Just wanted you to know that I read your journal and you are heard.

Thanks Notalone. Much appreciated today as having a tough moment. Hopefully will pass soon. Nice to know others reading the entries.

:wave: to everyone.

Another gig tonight, by myself. Another day of utter anxiety and fear.

I do want to go see this band, as I always do... But can we do it without the other people...?   ;)

Tbh its also difficult because its in my hometown and theres a small chance might see people havent seen since school. And im embarrassed about going on my own.

Its also difficult as I've had a lot of emotional realisations about my dad lately, so I feel incredibly raw. Feel like people can see right through any exterior I put up of normality like a scrap of paper.

Im trying hard to remind myself of my tools and self care, but obviously its difficult on a difficult day.

I welcome all safe hugs/fingers crossed/thoughts of good luck today.

 :hug: 🤞

Tired today. Up earlier to try to get some shots of the waves breaking onto land due to high winds and tide. Bit of a letdown unfortunately, though learned more re techniques and preparing to get the pictures.

Decided not to go ahead with the therapist had tried few weeks back, simply because of lack of availability. Wasnt sure felt right with her, but couldnt really even try more to see as her only time free clashed with the only social support group I have.

Feel torn about it, but I think it feels like the best choice I had available to me at the time.

Hi WideSargassoSea,
I am impressed that you got up early to try to get the shots of the Sea - and it's good that you learned some more techniques that way - I wish I could have seen your photos - as I think nature photos are wonderful. 

You listened to your gut instinct perhaps regarding the therapist - and the time clashes etc.  Choices can be really hard - I also find that.  I hope you don't mind my commenting - and I wanted to send you a supportive and safe hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

Hi hope. Thanks. I'd love to put some pictures up somewhere but theres the catch 22 of trying to remain anonymous unfortunately. My town has a pretty identifiable few landmarks which kind of ruin that. Is there somewhere we can put photos on here though? Maybe I've a few that are more general.  Nature is such a beautiful thing isnt it? My hope is to live in an area where theres more contact with it. I find it soothing.

Im struggling a bit today with making the choice over the therapist ironically. Like you mentioned, I struggle to make choices, and then second guess myself after... dont know if its a coincidence thing? (though Im not assuming others are like that-just referring to myself there.)

Having a lot of fears lately about the path im on. Just a few days of feeling kind of lost, worried I'll never get better enough to have a reasonable life.

I did reach a bit of a milestone in sorting through my photos so that I may submit more for competition yesterday. Irony is, thanks to Google being so useless now in its search results, I cant find any competitions! Obviously there's loads out there so its driving me a bit crazy. Tried some other engines too but so many results are just fake and trying to sell things. I miss decent search engines!

Had a disturbing dream last night. Worried it reflects a deeper truth about today. Was stuck in some strange hotel, which was a bit of a gilded cage. But alone. Then started meeting other people, but somehow in the dream, I knew they werent real. I went to go to the roof and sunbathe a bit, and since I knew it was empty there, took my bluetooth speaker along to play some music. Great, I thought, this will be nice, great views and so on. The moment I went to leave the room, it started chucking it down with heavy rain and extreme weather. I felt stuck and frustrated.

When I woke, I worried this reflected how I feel now. That it was a sign things were very wrong. Gradually realised the hotel reminded me of the first time I left FOO home when younger and lived abroad for a time. Now, I wonder if the dream reflects my inner journey at that time, of beginning to emotionally leave home, and maybe Im having parallels now, now that its been a little over a year of no contact with FOO. Back then, the journey ended, with awful events that resulted in me being further badly affected (thanks to FOO when I returned back to Britain).

Maybe Im at a similar point to the journey I had back then BEFORE things got interrupted. Maybe im experiencing some similar difficulties and fears, and my mind is reflecting back to then. I dont think I've reflected on that time since it happened. On the other hand, I feel really lonely. I kind of did back then too.  I just still feel too scared still to make the jump other people make when it comes to socialising. Thats been my biggest handicap and biggest damage due to my FOO when younger.

Im scared of it, scared of looking stupid, scared of rejection, scared people will assume bad things of me. I would give anything for things to be different and for it to not be so hard. I guess its not as bad as it used to be, but the need has gotten so much bigger at the same time, and it hurts.

Utterly exhausted today. Went to a support group which was very hard due to how I was feeling. Also been struggling lately since some of the medication I have been having is simply not working at all. Saw doctor today who gave me a different brand of the same thing to see if that works. Will obviously know later when try them.

Having told therapist I'd tried that I couldnt see them on the only day they offered, due to other commitments, I emailed them to ask that they let me know if any other free days come up. Well, they utterly ignored this, and instead only referred to getting receipt of the last payment I made to them.

One of my concerns with her was that she was very cold and distant, and that in the long time I had waited to try her, she'd always been that way. She seemed to warm up briefly when money was at stake-now theres no more coming her way from me, it seems shes gone back to cold. Hmmm. Maybe I made a good choice.

I would not react well to a therapist who was cold and distant. Seems to me the exact opposite of what a good therapist is. I think maybe you're well rid of her.

I think youre right ThreeRoses....


Tuesday entry

Feel weird today. Last night had bunch of confusing feelings, I think due to the group I went to earlier. Lots of long drawn out dreams also. Sometimes my sleep feels like work in itself  :stars:

Tried to enter pic into competition but looks like will need to do adjustments to number of pixels first and minor stuff. Had hoped to try some open shutter shots down the beach but the weather is too rubbish despite what the forecast claimed. Hmmm.

Not sure what to do now with the day now.....

Hi WideSargassoSea,
I hope you get a better night's sleep - and I hope that you can get the adjustments to your photo done for that competition.  You asked me earlier if I know whether people can post photos here - and I don't know - I think I did see some photos of art work that people had posted - but I'm not sure which parts of the forum they were in.  So you could if you wanted to - but in terms of anonymity - that's something to consider. 
Hope  :)

Hope-Thanks for that, Had bit of a search but couldnt yet find it, Will keep looking.

I feel so helpless lately. Neighbours diy noise banging away on a sunday. Crime levels in my town rocketing up and a shop robbed with an imitation firearm the other day so Im feeling less and less safe to go for a walk when its later and the streets emptier.

Felt violated again the other day. More unwanted calls and messages left from FOO have gone no contact with.They're using ridiculous excuses to justify the harrassment. Yet however transparent it is it still seems to always get to me in some way, and again, I felt incapacitated the day after due to the stress it caused. I wondered how long after christmas it would be (the last time it happened) before it started again.

Getting close to posting in the 'having an exceptionally bad day' section. Wanted to call samaritans earlier (im not suicidal, but I am feeling desperate and lost), but the noise from the diy was too great. I HATE where my life is at at the moment. I get that its not due to my choice, but I dont want this, and I deserve better. Im trying as hard as I can yet it feels like for every step of progress I make personally, the world around me happens to get one step crazier, with the result that I feel like Im running to get nowhere.

Just wanted to send you a safe cyber hug on a tough day.

Notalone - thanks, was appreciated.

Feel old pain very strongly today. Wish could share it with someone. Make some sense of my contradicting yearnings. Realise though that right now may not be the best time to try that-and thats really difficult for me. When is it a good time to discuss such deep painful things? When you feel a huge need to? When you feel strong enough to cope with doing so? Finding a balance of those two?

For me, I usually only feel able to face doing it when things are too much. But maybe thats not whats best for me. I dont know. Feel conflicted.

Hi WideSargassoSea,
I don't know if there's ever a 'right time' for such things - I know that for me, I can feel very strong emotions sometimes, and wonder what the trigger was or is, and feel unable to find it.  Contradictory yearnings can be particularly tough to work out.  I just wanted to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok.  :hug:
Hope  :)

Thanks Hope. It was interesting to read how it affects you. I know that for me, another factor is that I struggle with sitting with the emotions themselves; something Im getting better at, but again, it can be confusing to know when to speak, when to rest, and when to try to be fully present with it. I guess its probably something we all share to various degrees.

Grieving over past pain heavily today. Been building inside for a while. Heard the R.E.M song 'Sweetness Follows' and it tore me up.

Grieving over my early years' fear and hurt under my mother.  A hurt so deep that part of me almost wants to be back there, even though it meant the pain and so on, just to be in the same house. Contradictory stuff.

My family hurt me as a kid. And, as a kid, I was scared. They made me think it was my fault or others' faults, not theirs. So I not only got hurt by them, I thought they were actually the place to go to shelter when in a storm (that they themselves had caused).

So my pain now, caused by them, leaves me yearning to return back to them. How messed up is that? Guess thats why I gotta keep building on my own self care and self love; to learn that I can be my own carer, and unlearn those patterns.

But boy, those patterns run deep some days. And the pain runs deep today.

Feel angry today. So few people understand how abusive mothers can be the heart of problems, and our society instead puts them on a pedestal and assumes only bad fathers can cause problems.

Also feeling nobody is listening or interested

It's true! Our society has a phobia or something about seeing mothers as anything but nurturing. When we try to discuss our feelings about our mothers and the abuse they inflicted, we get a lot of excuses, and explanations, and justifications... but when we talk about the harm that our fathers have inflicted the reaction is much different.

I've felt more minimization from others while trying to discuss my mom's role in the abuse I underwent. It seems she gets a "pass" or something.

I'm so sorry you were hurt by your female parent. My heart goes out to you. ♥️ :hug:

Hi WSS, I'm so sorry you feel like no-one is listening or interested.  If you mean here I wanted to suggest that it may be because you post in your journal for the most part.  Some members think of this particular forum as a place for members to capture their feelings and thoughts and choose not to respond and 'break the flow' or intrude. You may want to try posting elsewhere and see if that draws more responses.

I hear you about mothers by the way.  I used to stand in the card aisle trying not to cry every time because all the cards were designed for a Hallmark version of mothers. It has helped me so much to talk about this here and find out I am not alone in this.

Quote from: WideSargassoSea on February 21, 2019, 04:11:25 PM
Grieving over my early years' fear and hurt under my mother.  A hurt so deep that part of me almost wants to be back there, even though it meant the pain and so on, just to be in the same house. Contradictory stuff.

My family hurt me as a kid. And, as a kid, I was scared. They made me think it was my fault or others' faults, not theirs. So I not only got hurt by them, I thought they were actually the place to go to shelter when in a storm (that they themselves had caused).

So my pain now, caused by them, leaves me yearning to return back to them.

Hello WideSargassoSea,

This all sounds very familiar. It took me decades to realise my family was not the place to go to when I was hurting. For so long I too thought it was somehow my fault - for being too sensitive - or for not having acquired the skills to protect and defend myself, to set limits etc. It has really taken me a long, long time to realise that FOO didn't want me to acquire those sorts of skills. Very messed up, but it's FOO that is messed up, not me. Probably in your case too.  :hug:

My M was also the one who took a more active part in making my childhood a misery, so you're not alone there by any means. Even if it may look that way to the general population, on here we know otherwise.

I agree with Kizzie about posting on other parts of the forum from time to time, especially till other members get to know you a bit. I'm sorry you've been feeling as if nobody cares.  :applause:on reaching out to say so!

Hi WideSargassoSea,
I also hear what you're saying about Mother's - it's very tough that society seems to put them on pedestals, and that the reality of the relationships isn't acknowledged very often - but you are definitely not alone - there are people here who care and understand, and I hope you'll feel supported by that.  Sending you a hug, if that's ok.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Thanks for the replies-they lifted me a bit to know I wasnt alone in my feelings. I do welcome any comments, thoughts or views at any time in this journal. I know Im relatively new, and am trying to use other parts of the forum to get better known. Unfortunately some of the places I posted in happen to not have been visited very much, so it might be my comments weren't seen.

Anyway, thanks again for the views and well wishes. Especially heartening to know others see the inequality of help when it comes to abusive mothers. I had started to feel bad just for thinking such thoughts as nobody else seemed to share them.

As for today, I have made an appointment to see the doctor to see if I can get a prescription for short term medication such as diazepam, as I need a break from the stress Im suffering lately. Thankfully I found one appointment, as there isnt another for a week after that. I wasnt going to do this, but the final straw came when, after a further night of insomnia, and loud noise from my neighbour at 3am,  he then also began heavy building work at 8am. Im now frazzled and fed up. Hence the doctor appointment. Just feel theres too many problems to face right now.

Quote from: WideSargassoSea on February 26, 2019, 01:00:23 PM
Just feel theres too many problems to face right now.

It often feels that way. :hug:   :thumbup: on reaching out to a doc

 :cheer:

Good luck with the doc
I will wonder around the sight to see if I have any comments on your other posts and see if I have any insights, or just try and support u if I can, I'm glad you are here, ever one in the sight helps others just by contributing so thank you so much.
I've been pretty quiet lately, just been overwhelmed with life but now I'm feeling better I want to be more supportive of everyone here, they have helped me enormously  :hug:

Hey thanks everyone! Wattlebird, thats very kind of you, thank you. Make sure you take care of yourself. I've spread myself too thin in the past even though I had the best intentions.

Todays entry

Feel kind of mixed. Yesterday was very hard due, yet again, to some of the horrible people in this town. I had gone out to take more shots, and did so in a freer way more than ever, around strangers with less worry of embarrassment, just snapping away. Bit disappointed by the flat weather conditions for the shots, but hey.

But unfortunately on the way back, I again found myself stuck temporarily in a place with someone behaving incredibly horrifically, to the point I could not think, and though I tried to protect myself and be calm, it deeply disturbed and upset me, and also utterly grossed me out beyond belief. Just horrific. Utterly crazy behavior that just wouldnt be acceptable to anybody.

Got out as soon as I could, tried to get home quick by using those rental bikes they have in many towns now, except that of the first 6 I tried to use, all were bust and wouldnt unlock. When I finally got one sorted, I realised it was covered in some horrible sticky gunk all over the saddle and handle bars.

Anyway. Did the right things/best I could when I got back in terms of healthy self care, and after being really upset for a time, began to process the worst of it.

Feel some good things about myself today, though Im trying to take a break from the problems and upset.

I do feel some good aspects that are powerful today, which is certainly something good.

QuoteI do feel some good aspects that are powerful today, which is certainly something good.

💪👍

Quote from: WideSargassoSea on February 28, 2019, 03:34:04 PM
But unfortunately on the way back, I again found myself stuck temporarily in a place with someone behaving incredibly horrifically, to the point I could not think, and though I tried to protect myself and be calm, it deeply disturbed and upset me, and also utterly grossed me out beyond belief. Just horrific. Utterly crazy behavior that just wouldnt be acceptable to anybody.

Got out as soon as I could, tried to get home quick by using those rental bikes they have in many towns now, except that of the first 6 I tried to use, all were bust and wouldnt unlock. When I finally got one sorted, I realised it was covered in some horrible sticky gunk all over the saddle and handle bars.

Oh no, that's horrible! First totally unacceptable behaviour you want to get away from, and then escape method blocked so to speak.

Good on you for doing more self-care when you got home and for noting some good and healthy aspects to the day. I don't always find that easy myself. It's good to do it over and over again, helps e.g. with resilience. Sounds like you're doing good in the cptsd circumstances.

Hey thanks guys.

Just wanted to post that not having a bad day today so far. Some complicated feelings stirred up definitely, but after a support group I asked someone if they fancied a coffee without worrying too much if they said no, something that for me, usually, would have been impossible. Similarly. I felt a bit less self concious/worried when having the coffee, and was more able to be myself and less trying to be what I thought they may want me to be.

Also during the group, I heard some very useful and encouraging things from others talking about their current experiences. I also talked more straightforwardly about how I felt,

Later, I had to discuss something difficult with an NHS practise that had been harsh and unfair to me, and -for a change- found the person I was talking to to be much more genuine and straight than in the past. I also managed to be calm and focused enough to stand up for myself and express some of what I wanted.

Obviously I feel there's  a way for me to go, but this is nice, and encouraging, and needed, after a difficult time!

:cheer: :thumbup:

All those small changes are really quite big well done

Upset today, had so much stress in past 24 hours. Problem neighbor again playing up, deliberately making noise after 1am which woke me up, saw he'd destroyed polite sign had put up in hall requesting communal areas be used resepectfully. Presumably he took it personally against him, which it wasnt ironically, and decided to be chilidish and aggressive.

I didnt sleep until after 5am and was shaking with stress due to what happened, which I wont go into. Now, back from hairdressers, who utterly ruined my hair, despite me being clear what I wanted. He barely spoke English which maybe was to do with it, but he also seemed to have an attitude problem. I had to get other hairdresser in the same shop to explain to him what I had requested and even he seemed to get fed up with the guy's attitude. By then my hair was so short there wasnt much repair work that could be done, so now, along with my self esteem generally, I have a weird stupid looking haircut that makes me feel even more insecure about how I look.  Why do I keep coming across such people? Why cant I encounter reasonable/kind people more? I honestly just don't get it.

Plus the other day the dentist tried to throw me off their list because I had missed 2 appointments over 5 YEARS(!) Im not even sure they can legally do that here, but after spending hours searching, nobody seemed to have a clue or be able to give any simple answers...

I cant stand this place-its just getting worse and meaner and harder and crazier. What once was a quiet, reasonable neighbourhood is now a crazy, noisy, almost unsafe place, now they shut down the police station, and are building ANOTHER four blocks of high rise flats without putting any more money into resources to cope with all the new people who will move into them. I WISH I could afford to move out of this town and escape the insanity but I feel stuck here, and even the simple things just seem impossible at the moment with crazy obstacles at every turn.

I'm so sorry you're going thru all this, WSS. I have no words of wisdom - but want to let you know that you've been heard.  :hug:

Sometimes it's just one thing after another after another, I'm sorry you are in the middle of this.
  :hug:

Quote from: Wattlebird on March 13, 2019, 10:06:53 AM
Sometimes it's just one thing after another after another, I'm sorry you are in the middle of this.
  :hug:

:yeahthat:

:grouphug:

Thanks folks. It helped seeing those posts.



Todays entry

Strange one. Just been feeling tearful missing aspects of my mum who am NC with. Lately thats been so painful to me. So upsetting. But I just dont think I can face her when theres still so many unknowns over sexual abuse at her hands when I was a kid.

I also know there was definitely inappropriate boundary breaking. I just dont know how far that goes, or why it was done. Maliciously or just out of extremely bad parenting, I have no idea.

I just wish I knew more. I wish I had time to know the truth, so I can process it, then make whatever choice I need to for myself about things. I do know there was a lot of emotional neglect and abuse, and by todays standards, physical violence too.

Some memories of all these things have returned, some are still vague.

And yet, I find myself yearning for (healthy) contact with her in a way. Or maybe I just fear moving on. Or just fear when she passes and I have to face there cant be a rapprochement. Part of me knows there cant already, but emotionally, that's killing me I guess.

As someone with anxiety concerns, I find that hard.

All that said, I had a good day. The problem neighbour I have has apparently now been officially warned by his landlord, thanks to my actions, and given a deadline to change.

The support group I went to, that I felt very nervous about, turned out pretty well. I managed to strike up a conversation with a girl there I keep feeling this magnetic pull to. Confuses me, but I just feel so drawn to her, and we had a bit of a chat and a laugh. Gotta admit, it brightened my day.

I've never followed my instincts like that before, and its quite confusing and really knew to me.

Also had a small bit of good news regarding some other thing.

So I dont know. Maybe it is a good day whilst grieving old emotional issues. I welcome any thoughts of comments by the way.

You have a lot going on, a lot to process. I wanted to let you know that I read your post and you have been heard.

Quote from: WideSargassoSea on March 18, 2019, 06:11:46 PM
Strange one. Just been feeling tearful missing aspects of my mum who am NC with. Lately thats been so painful to me. So upsetting.

And yet, I find myself yearning for (healthy) contact with her in a way. Or maybe I just fear moving on. Or just fear when she passes and I have to face there cant be a rapprochement. Part of me knows there cant already, but emotionally, that's killing me I guess.

Standing with you on this one. I'm missing my parents with whom I'm VVVLC with too, have been for a number of days, missing them that is. It's hard. Gentle, supportive  :hug: if you'd like.

Quote from: WideSargassoSea on March 18, 2019, 06:11:46 PM
All that said, I had a good day. The problem neighbour I have has apparently now been officially warned by his landlord, thanks to my actions, and given a deadline to change.

The support group I went to, that I felt very nervous about, turned out pretty well. I managed to strike up a conversation with a girl there I keep feeling this magnetic pull to. Confuses me, but I just feel so drawn to her, and we had a bit of a chat and a laugh. Gotta admit, it brightened my day.

I've never followed my instincts like that before, and its quite confusing and really knew to me.

Also had a small bit of good news regarding some other thing.

:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: Sounds like you're moving forwards and discovering new things about yourself  :sunny: Also good on you for having got your problem neighbour warned.

Hi WideSargassoSea - I am also standing with you  :grouphug:  I relate to what you're saying.  Sending you a gentle hug, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)

Difficult time lately. Making some changes but its really rough. Horrible relentless nightmares each night. Very depressed when wake up.

 :cheer: on the changes, especially since it's rough-going. Standing with you through the nightmares and depression :hug:

Hi WideSargassoSea - I hope you are ok, as I know you're having a difficult time, and sending you another hug, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)

 :hug: :grouphug:

Hey thanks for that.

I was really worried because I had to face a blood test and dread those things. Not good at them.

Thankfully, after a bad mistake by them last week, this week it went fine,. No results just yet, but hopefully that will be ok. Just so glad its over for now though. I've been worrying so much about it.

doing a little test of my own to see what happens. will see with time.

very tired today. bit of a breakthrough yesterday. important progress. just very tired from the lat few weeks that it took to reach that time.

Understandable that you are tired.  :cheer: for your breakthrough and progress. Hope you are able to get some renewing rest.

Quote from: notalone on April 19, 2019, 06:37:19 PM
Understandable that you are tired.  :cheer: for your breakthrough and progress. Hope you are able to get some renewing rest.

:yeahthat:

The time shortly before and after breakthroughs exhausts me no end! Also you've been making changes which is often tiring. 
  :hug: :hug:

Hi WideSargassoSea,
It's great to hear you've made some progress, and understandable that you're feeling tired.  Hope you are enjoying some rest and recuperation. 
Hope  :)

Thanks for the thoughts everyone. And I very much appreciated the posts from my 'having a difficult day'post. i'll get to that later as Im just upset at the moment.

I didnt feel too bad for a time after things happened, but I think its hit me in a delayed way. Yesterday I couldnt do a thing. Could barely move from where I sat until very late at night.

Today I know I feel very angry and upset, which is affecting my views on the world. Its making me feel very pessimistic and frustrated. Im also finding myself with a lot of self doubts, second guessing myself over my choices in the past, and that beaten voice that keeps popping up and asking myself 'what if my parents are right? what if theyre right and Im the problem or im wrong...'

I hate that. Find it so hard.  I really hope all this begins to pass and I can heal more again.

Well its been a heck of a time. I saw a psychoanalyst yesterday but felt very uncomfortable and frustrated. She seemed bored and uninterested, unsympathetic and cold. And at the end I have to hand over £50. One pound for every minute. All I could think was-'when I visit the Samaritans center to speak with one, I feel listened to, empathized with, and feel better-and its not fifty pounds'.

And the same goes for a kind of support group I go to.

Im actually kind of dreading seeing her again next week. Im certainly not ready to open up to her about the deepest things, because I dont yet feel comfortable with her. I feel if I was able to wait a few weeks and get some of the things over with that are coming up that are very stressful (like the police interview to report the stalking), that I might feel a bit differently.

But being a psychoanalyst, she doesnt allow any rescheduling, or weeks off even if notified in advance.

I dont know. I want to give it more of a go  for a few weeks maybe-but not now, at this time. But shes always busy and if I say I'll try seeing her again in a month, she may literally be unavailable for a year (her words). I feel extremely frustrated by this situation, her manner and terms, and dont like it one bit. But Im also afraid to 'miss out' on potential help. Im always overly afraid of the notion of 'missing out'....

Regardless of any therapist's level of skill, it's impossible for one person to be able to help every single patient. If you are put off by her demeanor, her ability to reach and help you will not be what they could be. It's important for us to learn to listen to our inner voices telling us which people are the "right" matches for us. Best of luck to you in this.

 :yeahthat:

You need to click with a therapist, almost. Obviously you don't become friends but there needs to be a feeling of "I trust this person / I feel heard and understood". My therapist says that has to go both ways in fact. He won't take a client on if it doesn't "click" for him too. That's being honest and upright.

I wouldn't stay long with somebody I dreaded, especially not if I was paying 50 pounds per session. The wrong therapist for a patient can do more harm than good. Been in that situation  before, wasted money in that kind of situation too. I echo 3Roses with "Best of luck to you!" and patience if you have to wait and search a while for the optimum therapist for you.

ThreeRoses, Bluberry - yeah I kind of agree. After much thought, I mailed her to say I wouldnt be continuing. I felt better, though I do have a bit of a 'hangover' feeling of 'where now'. Guess constant second guessing and a need to feel Im always forging ahead are sort of endemic to me! But I think I made the right choice.

I had a thought that put the money in perspective to today. Realised that for 50 quid a week, I could use a recording studio for two hours weekly-as someone into recording and writing songs, thats a shocking thought to me. Its made me realise that for that amount of money, therapy really does need to feel right or be helping. I could get a lot of pleasure and fun from two hours a week in a recording studio!

Im glad you found someone youre comfortable with and is helpful. I guess its about finding a balance between difficult work and trust?

I think it was good that you trusted your gut feeling and cancelled your appointment.  :applause:

entry for tuesday

yesterday was not good. realised i'd confused dates and a legal issue (due to a utility bill I'd gotten behind on) was due not in a month, but in a week. spent the entire day and most of the evening rushing around in a numb haze to sort things out best i could. it spilled into today too. in fact i've only just now gotten it sorted. a lot of hassle though.

cant say how much im dreading tomorrow. i shake when i think of it.

its the day of going to the police to give a detailed report of the recent stalking by a parent.

im dreading how much background they may ask me, history, relationship, past abuses etc.

the thought of having to go through some of that especially with strangers is horrific to me. i suspect i'll be numb for a couple of days then get hit hard and be in pieces for a week.

then there's a medical thing to look into the week after.

Although it's only the type that I can offer you online, you have my support. I'll be thinking of you.  :hug:

I'll be thinking of you too! Are gentle supportive safe  :hug:  :hug: OK?

Thinking of you. When you are up to it, please give us an update.

Thank you. And yes to you Blueberry, theyre *definitely* okay, and *much* welcomed right now. Any support or well wishers are definitely welcome right now.

Im currently waiting for a phone call from the police to tell me theyre ready for me to come down to the station to go through what happened. Im afraid they'll cancel though as they said they dont have many officers. From what they said before I thought it was guaranteed they'd see me today, which upsets me deeply as I desperately want this over with. Didnt sleep until about half 5 in the morning.

Im very shaky at the moment. Sitting by the phone for another four hours. Fingers crossed.

I'd be very shaky too. Sending you good vibes from here at the forum.  :grouphug:  :hug: :hug:

Hi WideSargassoSea - I hope you are ok - just thinking of you - this situation sounds very stressful, and I wanted to express my support  :hug:
Hope  :)

An hour after the slot given me, I got a call saying they wouldnt see me today. They said I could book any other time and to call when I liked.

So I called today at 1pm ish, said could do anytime. They said come to the station at half two, you'll definitely be seen quick.

I got there, nobody wanted my reference number, or the Operation codename I'd been advised to use. The guy at the desk I was explaining to said he just wanted to check something and didnt come back for a half hour. When he did, I said I'd appreciate it if he would tell me he was going to be so long next time. He told me not to be rude. Im proud to say I stood my ground and stated it was not rude to simply calmly state a reasonable request.

He was useless. He was just a clerk and not really affilliated with the police, had no idea what to do or anything. But it did become clear that I'd been given rubbish advice by the policewoman who spoke to me on the phone and had told me to come in today at half two. Now its clear I have to go to a different station altogether. So much for the much publicised 'crackdown' on stalking my local police force is having.

I then went to collect the painkiller medication from my pharmacy, which, yet again, they hadnt ordered enough of for patients, so were out of stock. Tried four others. Same story. Each told me different things. 'It takes five weeks to order'.' Its only available at store x'. 'Its no longer being produced'. Went to a fifth pharmacy and they told me all that was rubbish, and they had it available. Went to put it in my bag and my coat got caught in the zip and nearly tore it, took 10 minutes to get it out.

Visited the local Samaritans branch as Im just overwhelmed. Spoke to someone and was uncomfortable but just felt a need to unburden all this. Was close to tears and was about to cry, something very hard for me to do, when there was a knock at the door. I felt shocked and expected the person I was speaking to to ignore it. Instead she shouted for them to come in. She asked the first person if shew wanted a drink then left. I know Im in a fragile very upset state, but I just didnt think this was how it was done there, and it really upset me. Especially since I'd nearly shown some vulnerable things.

I made my excuses and left quickly. I was-I am-numb, shocked by everything lately, and just cant cope with this. Im not suicidal, but I just cannot take this anymore. Im trying my heart out to do everything youre meant to do-seek out help, report abuses, take care of yourself, etc-but it just feels like its not possible and like nobody (separate from this forum) gives a flip.   :fallingbricks:  :stars:

I didnt really want to post such a long thing like this-I WISH I had happier things to report and fear I sound so negative. I HAD to sound off here though, if only to get it out in the open somehow.

I dont know what my next step is. Im so angry at the policewoman who gave me the wrong information. I dont have the energy to call them again and arrange yet another appointment they'll cancel. But I DESPERATELY want this over with and the crime fully logged so that if it happens again, they'll have immediate reason to take firm action.

Separate to this, I want to say thanks again to everyone who's sent me well wishes, virtual hugs, said they were thinking of me. I worry I come across weird when I reply, but I just know that they do give me a boost and help me.

Glad you shared here. What an incredibly frustrating day!

Gaslighting letter from my FOO NC sister arrived today. Making vague claims about my NC parents mental health going downhill suddenly. And my other NC sister's too. All coincidentally 'apparently' at once....  Hinting I'd "better go and see them all before its too late". The usual emotional blackmail and plays on my fears of death. Strange, because when my parent was stalking me the other day, they seemed in great health then....

All the usual hallmarks of them all getting together to plot and plan conniving ways to manipulate me into doing what they want. As they always did. As I saw them do countless times to manipulate other people. All the usual signs of inabilities to just tell simple truths, Or to show straight emotions, or to simply be kind. Or to respect my wishes of just going away.

Yet of course it does play on my fears, and those fears are now somewhat triggered. Im trying to remind myself that those are just that - my fears. But I worry that, in the middle of the night, I'll wake, racked with guilt and upset.

Thanks, sis.

Your parents and siblings don't have the right to tell you what's best for you. You can remain NC if that is what brings you healing. If they wanted to have a good relationship with you they could have behaved differently when they had the chance. So what's best for you. Standing with you in this!

Thats exaclty what I thought too three roses-that they had plenty of chances in the past to have a good relationship. I feel a bit better about the letter after giving myself some time to switch off from it.

Tuesday entry
Unfortunately today, Im again waiting (third attempt now) the whole day to see the police to take my deposition about the stalking incident. Very stressful. Third entire day handed over to just waiting-and we all know how its gonna turn out too....

Turns out ALL the police information I was given was wrong and a waste of time, and they could have just called me and done it over the phone instead of telling me I would have to go to 2 different stations and waste three days.

Did the report over the phone. Cops said they'd go to parent house and warn them off doing anything similar and that they face arrest if they do it again. Now I feel loads of guilt, fear and self doubt over taking such action. Crazy isnt it? I feel fear and guilt for simply enforcing my rights as a human that were being repeatedly ignored and that caused me huge distress.

Counter intuitively, I fear some abstract form of emotional rejection and being cut off by the FOO, even though I chose to go NC. I feel like im about to be 'punished' for my action. I guess its the child within me that was always raised with the messages that Im "not good enough" on my own, "not strong enough", "couldn't be happy" unless they were involved, "wouldnt cope" without them etc, etc.

Feel such pain today because of it. And because its come to this. Feels almost like a funeral in some way. I know I had to take the step I did, but its so upsetting.

Although I'm sorry to hear about the miscommunication between you and the police, I'm glad it's done now. Understandable that you're having some emotional backlash. I'm just waking up or I'd write a bit more. Take care of yourself, it will get better.  :hug:

 :snort: :stars: Very frustrating situation with the police, although glad that part is finished. Your feelings of fear, guilt, and that you are about to be punished do not seem crazy to me. Family dynamics are so complex and your feelings make sense to me. You said that you felt like a funeral. That is huge. Giving you a hug  :hug: as you experience great pain.

Feel very shaky inside, like a well of hurt. Kind of scared to deal with it/try to accept it. Guess dont have to do all at once, should take breaks, do things to take my mind off from that sometimes. But part of me kind of wants to deal with it all at once-or feels like unless I do, that I'm somehow lying to myself and not acknowledging the full hurt and pain.

I guess my inner child is in deep pain right now. I hope in writing this I am doing right by it, showing I am not ignoring it but trying to approach things in manageable sustainable ways to work with it and process such difficult feelings

QuoteI guess my inner child is in deep pain right now. I hope in writing this I am doing right by it, showing I am not ignoring it but trying to approach things in manageable sustainable ways to work with it and process such difficult feelings

I hope she is getting what is the most healing for her!  :hug:

Quote from: Three Roses on May 20, 2019, 04:28:06 PM

QuoteI guess my inner child is in deep pain right now. I hope in writing this I am doing right by it, showing I am not ignoring it but trying to approach things in manageable sustainable ways to work with it and process such difficult feelings

I hope she is getting what is the most healing for her!  :hug:

:yeahthat:   :grouphug:

Im trying to give it whats needed (It's a 'he' by the way), but it's difficult with all the things im dealing with at the moment. Have a difficult choice to make about something for this thursday... either a last minute rush to get everything ready in time for Thursday to do something very unpleasant (but it would at least be over by Friday), or to postpone it until 5 weeks from now (far too long to wait!)

Im having real trouble deciding, especially after all the other upsets recently.

I have found it helpful to put Inner Children with an imaginary Babysitter or Friend (depending on age) when my adult state is on overwhelm. My 'babysitters' have all been animals, doesn't have to be people.

Sending lots of good thoughts and energy from the forum for you to be able to make that choice.  :hug:

Interesting idea Blueberry. I like it. I decided to go for the choice tomorrow. Trying not to think about it for now, but fingers crossed. It's kind of in a couple of stages, one being tomorrow, and the other will probably take a few days. One step at a time though I guess.

I love that idea, Blueberry!  :yes:  Hmmm...what animal will I choose for my ICs babysitter? What do the other forum members think of as the "best" for the job?  (BB - I can ask this question elsewhere if it's an interruption to your journal.  :hug:)

Wishing you all the best for tomorrow, WideSargassoSea!  :hug:

3R, it's not my Journal, it's WideSargassoSea's. My ICs chose their own Babysitter Animals. 

Wouldnt you know it, I get up much earlier than ususal to go do this unpleasant thing...and am told there's an error and will have to wait 5 weeks, I spoke to the head person to complain, and they then made literally four further errors which would have been costly had I not caught them and pointed them out! Total chaos there. sigh. Really wanted to get it over with today, I really desperately did.

Very tired now.

Re the animal thing, I'd be interested to know what people would choose for their babysitting animal too-I'll start with a Seal please! Stinky fish breath, but worth it for the cuddle factor.....

Hi WideSargassoSea - I hope you are able to get some rest - if that would help, as you mentioned feeling very tired - I am sorry to hear about those errors, they sound quite disorganised.  Sending you a hug, if that's ok,  :hug:
Hope  :)

Oh no, WideSargassoSea, that's terrible that they were so disorganised and made so many errors!  :hug: :hug:

I wrote some on babysitter animals here: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=11957.0

I'll check out the link soon. Been struggling the last 24 hours. Hopefully today I can rest a bit.

Thinking of you 🌷

Standing with you, WSS.

Hope you get some emotional, mental and physical rest.  :hug:

Hi WideSargassoSea,
I hope you are able to get some rest.   :grouphug:
Hope  :)

Reading the posts of support have helped me calm my fears a bit. Im just finding that I feel a lot of confused emotions over my no contact abusive mother at the moment after having to report her to the police for the stalking behavior. A minute ago I really felt I could not cope without contact with her, and missed her terribly. I have such a hard time accepting I wont be able to get the healthy relationship with her I have wanted my entire life. I know its the case intellectually speaking, but emotionally , I can tell I just cant accept it and it breaks my heart.

I really understand that WideSargassoSea. As time passes, it has been getting easier for me to accept that I have - as my T puts it - a family in name only. Also to accept that my family is either unwilling to change or incapable of changing the way they interact with me so that no healthy relationship is possible. I don't think that the passage of time per se is helping me accept it, I think it's more to do with the changes due to therapy.

However it is very sad and can break hearts.  :bighug:

We were made to connect deeply with our mothers. To not have that connection or to have it terribly broken is very unnatural. Very understandable that you are experiencing distress and heartache.  :hug: My heart goes out to you.

Hope I can find a decent therapist to work with someday too. I want to broaden my life so that I have more colours in my life. At the moment im having such issues with anxiety, and with my mind drifting into issues about the past. Finding it difficult to enjoy the present, or to relax, or to just be. So instead im 'doing', ticking lots of things off of a list, but its leaving me very tired, and feeling like my life is currently just a list of unpleaseant hurried tasks. I hope this will pass and evolve as time goes on.... I tried to speak to the Samaritans yesterday as Ive found this helped give me additional perspective in the past, but they were again too busy for the second day running. Sadly, it seems this is a tough time for a lot of people. Blueberry, Im glad to hear therapy is helping. Its nice to hear its possible to cope and move forward with these difficult things.

Hi WideSargassoSea,
I would like to wish you the best and hope you are doing ok. 
Hope  :)