How do I say this??

[Elphanigh]

  Sitting with you in all of that. I promise the progress you have made is not being erased, recovery is just nasty in the way it isn't linear. We go around in circles sometimes. I want you to know I am here and am sending you all the love and warmth I can

[sanmagic7]

dang, i know this one, sistah.  crapola all over the place.  wish i could do more than send cyber hugs and love.  do you think a stint on the porch may help?  i'd love to just sit with you, if you like.  chat or no, up to you.  i'm already there, hot chocolate in hand.  i'll share.

[Blueberry]

Today I feel like all the progress I've made has been erased. I want a divorce, I'm convinced my kids hate me, I feel on the verge of a gigantic blow up. I'm so so triggered. I spent my whole adult life (or so it seems today) denying my own feelings in order to help others deal with their own. I want to hide, I want to get in a car and drive far far away from everyone and disappear.

It's great you reached out to us when you're feeling so bad. The progress you have made may be hiding away atm but it's not lost. Like the sun behind clouds on an overcast day - it'll be visible/tangible again.

Sounds like a huge EF to me. I know the feeling of being on the verge of a gigantic blow up. Doesn't feel good.
Idk, is it possible for you to lie low for a while and hope the worst of it blows over? Giving myself some time like that does help a bit, until I can get more professional help.

[Deep Blue]

I agree with blueberry sweetie.  It sounds like a pretty bad EF.  I know that feeling of always taking care of others.  Remember taking care of others is great.... BUT you need to take care of yourself first. 

[Three Roses]

Thanks everyone. I know I'm in an EF and was trying to lay low and take care of myself when H came home and totally unloaded his feelings of frustration on me. It's his own crapola and he knew I had a bad headache for days. I know he's triggered too, and dealing with severe back pain, but damn it, why can't he take care of himself instead of dumping on me. And his self care is even worse than mine, he hadn't eaten all day and went and did errands with just coffee in his belly. I went in the spare bedroom and shut the door until I was calm. He has the emotional sensitivity of a rhino in heat.

The feelings that my children hate me are unrelated, and are due to the EF and my low self esteem.

[Blueberry]

     Sorry for thinking you didn't know you were in an EF.

  "emotional sensitivity of a rhino in heat"      for language creativity at a time like this!

[Deep Blue]

I'm sorry your husband was so insensitive during your time of need.  When 2 people are triggered at the same time it can really magnify the situation.

When my husband and I have been like that I try to distance myself a bit.  I do some self care and usually excuse myself to go to bed early.  I usually say I'm not feeling well (which is the truth).  I notice that eventually the world slows down again and I feel my feet under me when I focus on the self care.  Much love to you sweetie  if it feel ok

[sanmagic7]

so glad you're talking about this, 3roses, glad you're getting it out.  take care of yourself as best you can, ok?   i'm still wiped out, but wanted to send my support.    and love always.

[Three Roses]

Thank you, all. Your words of support and virtual hugs make a difference.

Woke just after 3am from a very very bad dream with a pounding headache so bad that I had to get up to sit on the couch; I couldn't lie flat. It's 8.30am now and the head still hurts but it's manageable. (By the way, is anyone else's time stamp for posts inaccurate or am I just the lucky one?)

H is keeping his distance. After thirty six years together, we know each other pretty well. His memory is truly horrible for reasons I won't go into, and always has been, so I am feeling more forgiving toward him than I did at three this morning.

I texted a couple of friends yesterday and they were also helpful. It's nice to have someone to vent to; maybe I should do it more often. I've got in the habit of keeping my feelings close to my chest, because I am tired of being made to feel wrong. I think I will work on giving voice to them more often.

[Deep Blue]

We are happy to listen whenever you need to vent.  Yes my time stamp has always been wrong on this site.

When I have that bad a headache I put a hot water bottle on my head

[Elphanigh]

 

Sorry about your headache, but I am glad you are feeling a little more forgiving than you were at 3am. It is great that you can vent some of this stuff, this is a perfect place for it. We all need to get this stuff out from time to time, or it just festers longer.

I hope you continue to feel better, and keep giving a voice to these things.

Love you always 

[Hope67]

Dear Three Roses - Sending you a very gentle hug, and hoping that your headache will stop soon, so you can have some rest.   
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

if this has been a pos. experience for you, venting here, then  i hope you'll do more of it.  you so deserve to be listened to w/o judgment. 

my time stamp got wonky about a week ago.

love and hugs, dearie.

[Three Roses]

The past couple of days have been great, started to come out of my shell and was feeling hopeful, positive. Have had drama in my little town that involved me peripherally and have gone back into said shell. Im feeling quiet again and language is not coming easily.

[woodsgnome]

Three Roses said: "I'm feeling quiet again and language is not coming."

So many times words aren't adequate even if they do come. Then the silence takes over and can speak its own eloquence in language needing no explanation.

But I'll use some words for what I'm hearing -- that your heart is worth listening to and will support you with peace and hope. And beyond that ... we're all still here with you.